Hard to Forgive

When someone we love shatters our trust with abuse, it is very hard to forgive. If the abuse occurred repeatedly during childhood, years of psychological and physical damage lie buried beneath multiple layers of self-protective armor. Our spirits cry out to God for justice, and at the same time, our emotions demand acceptance and love from the very person who has hurt us. How do we begin to forgive?

For years, I have been struggling to forgive my parents for abusing me. As I sat praying over photos of my father and mother recently, God suddenly revealed a surprising truth: I was the one who needed to ask for forgiveness.

What?

Yes, God was gently pointing out that I was the one in need of forgiveness. Harboring thoughts of anger and hostility toward the two people who gave me life is a sin. In an instant, the pride that has propped me up for fifty years suddenly came crashing down. God showed me that I was no better than my father, my mother, or anyone else who sins. We are all sinners in one way or another.

I realized that my need to hold onto my spiritual and emotional pain had prevented me from moving forward in the process of forgiving. I had clung to the injustice of childhood sexual abuse and waved it like a bright orange banner to ward off others who might hurt me. I had white-knuckled my flagpole of outrage so that others would join me in the fight against the indignity of childhood abuse.

Righteous anger that arises out of an injustice compels us to cry out for God's vengeance. But once he has the matter in hand, we need to pass our battle flag over to God and allow him to discipline people who need correcting. In that moment of truth, God was asking me to let go.

Even as I write this, the irrational three-year-old inside of me is kicking and screaming, "Don't let the grown-ups ever look good. They're bad. You have to tell what they did."

Today, I can set that child within me at ease. The truth has set us both free.

It is finally dawning on me that I am not alone in this battle anymore. Because I was relentless in crying out, other victims from within the family found the courage to speak out, too. My life-long war to reveal the humiliation of childhood sexual abuse is over. I have fought bravely, and I have helped many others along the way.

At last, the grown-up side of me can admit that I have been bitterly angry most of my life. I have hated my parents for living like cardboard cut-outs, pretending to cherish their children. Other family members have enraged me by refusing to see and accept the obvious. I have been angry at so many people who blinded themselves to the truth; it is hard to comprehend how I ever managed to function.

Colossians 3:13 reads, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." This verse tells us that we must forgive others, because Christ first forgave us.

After reading this passage, God's message became clear to me. I needed to first lay aside my puffed-up image of myself and humbly ask for forgiveness. After I did that, then I could see how it was possible to forgive my parents.

If I see myself as better than my parents, then I can never see them as God does. He looks at a man and a woman whom he created in His image. In spite of their sins, he still loves them. He still wants them to join him in Heaven someday. Every day, he is wooing them to himself, hoping that they will repent and ask for forgiveness. And in the same way, he is wooing me.

God is using our legal system to mete out an appropriate punishment for my father. My mother will feel the sting of shame when everyone discovers that her husband has gone to jail. Their way of life will finally be exposed for what it truly has been. It saddens me to think about how unbearable this will be for them as the lifestyle they have always enjoyed slips from their fingers.

The county prosecutor called me to ask what I thought would be an appropriate sentence for my father. As I considered the various choices, I wondered how I might feel if I were in Dad's shoes. Would I be willing to stand in as a substitute for my father, just as Jesus did for me? The thought of spending more than a minute in jail terrified me. In that instant, I realized that I had never loved my father as Christ does.

Colossions 3:14 reads, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." We cannot forgive someone until we look at them through the eyes of God's perfect love. Forgiveness is impossible unless we see ourselves as equally deserving of the punishment that we believe is in order for someone who has hurt us.

And when we have repented, we must be able to see ourselves as equally deserving of God's love...the same love that is waiting for our abusers when they turn away from their evil actions to a new life in Christ.

I am still asking God daily to help me forgive and love my parents as he does. It remains difficult, but is getting easier. I know that God's love is big enough to help me carry out this seemingly impossible task.

Are you finding it difficult to forgive someone who has abused you? When you are safe, find someone who will listen to you and believe that you have been hurt. Then ask God to forgive you for the anger you have harbored toward your abuser. When you put your own forgiveness into proper perspective, God will reveal that his love is big enough to help you forgive.