Why Do I Feel So Guilty?

As survivors of incest or any other type of sexual abuse, we often feel guilty. There are generally four reasons for this:

1) We experienced pleasure during the abuse.
Most people who molest children do not terrorize their victims. On the contrary, they typically groom them for weeks or months to prepare them to be sexualized. They may give gifts or simply lavish them with affection. Children who are starved for attention often fall prey to the advances of pedophiles, because neglected little ones are so desperate for love.

After the abuse has occurred, most survivors feel extreme guilt, particularly if they felt a mixture of pain and pleasure. If they happened to experience pleasure during the act, the guilt becomes far worse than for children who may not have experienced orgasm.

One writer compared a child's sexual response to bleeding in response to injury. There is nothing anyone can do to stop either one from happening; yet many victims feel that they should have been able to prevent their bodies from experiencing the pleasure associated with sexual stimulation.

Whether our childhood sexual abuse was painful, pleasurable or both; we were not responsbile for it. Our perpetrators were completely to blame for their perverse acts. They are the ones who should be feeling guilty; not us.

2) We didn't tell anyone.
When children are molested by family members--particularly their fathers--they often do not tell anyone about what has happened. They don't want to hurt their family member's feelings or risk creating a family feud.

Unfortunately, when children keep childhood sexual abuse to themselves, their initial guilt eventually turns into shame. Their embarrassment over the event(s) keeps them in silence, often for the rest of their lives.

3) We feel responsible in some way.
We often carry around guilt, because we believe that we caused the sexual abuse. Perhaps we believe that we looked too enticing or allowed ourselves to be alone with someone who hurt us. We may also think that we allowed another victim after us to get hurt by our abuser as a result of our inability to speak up.

Many victims dissociate themselves from the event. In other words, they go someplace else mentally while their bodies and souls are experiencing devastation. In cases where this has occurred frequently, the survivor may have few, if any, memories of the abuse. If we couldn't remember the abuse (which is what happened in my case), then we couldn't prevent others from getting hurt by the same person. Not until we finally remember, can we speak out.

I really like the following quote by Patti Feuereisen, the author of Invisible Girls:

"If you are the victim of incest, please understand that your father didn't start molesting you because of anything you said or did. He did it because he is a sick person with a totally warped idea of right and wrong. He tried to pull you into his demented reality. He undoubtedly planned how to get into a sexual situation with you. It was not your fault. You had no choice. This goes for other types of sexual abuse, too."

4) We are angry.
Many of us ask why God didn't prevent the abuse. We feel rage when we think about our perpetrator. Our anger toward both him and God may make us feel guilty, because we know that it is wrong to remain so enraged.

Deuteronomy 16:9 (NIV) tells us, For the eys of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him...

God was there at the time of the abuse, and he sees the truth: our perpetrators are the only ones who are guilty of wrong-doing. At the same time, God's heart breaks for the shame that we feel.

Today's Challenge
If you believe that you are guilty in some way for causing your sexual abuse, please find a professional counselor who can help you talk about your feelings. No survivor deserves to live with this kind of guilt.