We've identified the first three roadblocks to forgiveness as anger, fear, and mistrust. Today, we will address the fourth obstacle to forgiving: low self-esteem.
Do you suffer from low self-esteem?
Take a look at the following list of behaviors that are characteristic of people with low self-esteem. Do you recognize any of them in yourself?
*social withdrawal
*anxiety
*lack of confidence
*depression
*eating disorders
*inability to accept compliments
*inability to accurately see our own attributes
*accentuating the negative
*imagining that others think little of us
*self-neglect
*worrying about treating others unfairly
*reluctance to take on challenges
*inability to set goals
*hesitant to trust our own opinion
How did we get such low self-esteem?
If these problems sound familiar to you, you are not alone. Most survivors of childhood sexual abuse have extremely low self-esteem. We were brainwashed through abuse and criticism into believing that we were dirty, worthless, or bad.
Low self-esteem feels awful.
All people ought to feel a sense of shame and remorse when they misbehave. The Holy Spirit convicts them of their errors, and their guilt brings them back into alignment with God. When God forgives them, their shame and remorse should subside.
For survivors of abuse, the conscience is in over-drive. We feel shame, guilt, and self-reproach all the time. These feelings are not related to something wrong that we have done.
Abuse causes PTSD, a precursor to low self-esteem.
Many of us suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which causes us to have a sense that we are damaged. PTSD is characterized by many symptoms, including: depression, anxiety, heightened startle responses, hypervigilance, and low self-esteem.
Severe PTSD can cause such low self-esteem that we cannot receive love.
Being kind to survivors of severe abuse can have the opposite of the intended effect. Love can drive them away.
We adopted eight-year-old twin girls from Ethiopia. Because they had experienced multiple traumas and abuse at an early age, they were incapable of accepting love. The more we tried to love them, the harder they tried to get away. Suicide attempts became their only hope, because our love felt to them as if we were holding their heads underwater. Letting go and placing them in a group home became the best way to express our love to them.
Positive affirmations will never erase low self-esteem.
For years, educators believed that positive affirmations would cause a person's low self-esteem to rise. School administrators supported programs to increase self-esteem, which they believed would stop kids from bullying and committing crimes.
Interestingly, recent research shows that using generalized positive affirmations (I am a good person, I am smart, I am pretty, etc) can actually worsen low self-esteem. The words ring hollow to us, and our brains step up the negative statements to counteract the positive ones.
Research has also proven that those who suffer from low self-esteem rarely become bullies or hurt others. We hurt ourselves.
God loves us.
Low self-esteem really stems from a lack of self-love. Our experiences with childhood abuse robbed us of the ability to see ourselves as loveable. Even though we can't see any reason to love ourselves, God can.
Take a look at www.biblegateway.com or in your Bible's concordance for the word love. There are more passages related to God's love for us than any other word. Here are just a few examples:
For great is your love toward me. (Psalm 86:13)
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever. (Psalm 100:5)
The earth is filled with your love. (Psalm 119:64)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
If we suffer from low self-esteem, we may find ourselves running from God's love, just as our adopted twins ran from us. If we can stop fleeing, we can experience the fullness of God's love and the love of our fellow human beings.
High self-esteem makes it easier for us to forgive.
According to research conducted in 2006 (Eaton, Struthers & Santelli), people with high self-esteem can forgive more easily than people with low self-esteem. Although generalized positive affirmations cannot boost our self-esteem so that we can forgive, there are some other simple techniques that can help us. Tomorrow, we will learn how some simple lifestyle changes can allow us to develop an alternative opinion of ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and make a list of the people or situations that make you feel ashamed or guilty. Are these feelings warranted because you did something wrong; or are they just a way of life for you?
Showing posts with label criticism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label criticism. Show all posts
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Use Feedback to Your Advantage
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #19
As we progress in our quest toward our dreams, we'll receive all kinds of feedback. It will come in the form of advice, data, help, suggestions, and criticism. We must be willing to respond to it. Jack provides some advice on how to use feedback to our advantage.
(1) Understand that there are two kinds of feedback.
We like positive feedback, because it generally makes us feel good when we receive praise, promotions, raises, awards, and pleasure. We tend to dislike negative feedback, because a lack of money, criticism, complaints, unhappiness, and conflict bring us pain.
We must change how we respond to negative feedback, because it provides us with improvement opportunities. To reach our goals more quickly, we need to embrace both positive and negative feedback.
(2) Stop responding to feedback in ways that don't work.
Some responses to feedback don't work to our advantage. They include:
a) Caving in and quitting;
b) Getting mad at the source of feedback; or
c) Ignoring the feedback.
If we break down, cry, and give up on our way to our goal because we can't stand the negative feedback, we've only hurt ourselves. Listening to it and adjusting our behavior would be a better way to respond.
Getting mad at the person who is trying to provide us with constructive criticism only serves to push away something that could help us. It builds walls between us and the person who wants to help.
Ignoring negative feedback is really foolish. Pretending it isn't there could cause us to veer so far off course that we never reach our goals.
(3) Ask for feedback.
The most valuable question we can ask is, "How am I limiting myself?" We may be pleasantly surprised to find that others see clearly the corrections we need to make to reach our goals. But we must be willing to ask. We have to make it safe for the other person, too. No fair shooting the messenger after we've asked for feedback.
(4) Learn to ask the two most valuable questions of all.
If we learn nothing else from Jack Canfield's book, The Success Principles, I believe this is the most important exercise. The two questions are:
a) On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the quality of our meeting? me as a manager? me as a parent? me as a teacher? this class? this meal? my housekeeping skills? our sex life? this book? this deal?
b) What would it take to make it a 10?
Asking only the first question only lets us know that the person we are working with is dissatisfied. Knowing in detail what it will take to make them satisfied with our performance is key to our success. We must make it a habit to end very project, meeting, class, consultation, installation, and encounter with both of these questions.
(5) Make these two questions a weekly ritual.
We can check in with our accountability partner, spouse, or business associate with these two questions at least once a week. If we ask them to rate the quality of our pathway to success, our relationship, or our work, then we can take action to ensure that things improve the following week.
(6) Be willing to ask.
Most people are reluctant to ask for feedback, because they are afraid of what they are going to hear. The truth is what it is. It can't hurt us, unless we hide from it.
And the worst part is, if we avoid seeking out the truth from others, everyone but us is going to know about it. They will tell their coworkers, friends, business associates, parents, and spouses the truth about us.
If we are the kind of person who gets defensive whenever someone offers us feedback, we deprive ourselves of the very thing that could make us better. Instead of getting defensive, we must start appreciating all feedback. When someone provides it to us, we need to say, "Thank you for caring enough to share that with me."
When we have the feedback we asked for, we must do something to change our own behavior. Asking for feedback and failing to utilize it is a waste of time.
(7) Remember that not all feedback is accurate.
Some people will criticize us and give us inaccurate feedback, because it is filtered through their own psychological distortions. We don't have to act on this type of inaccurate feedback, but we should listen to it.
In other words, if our drunken spouse tells us we're a loser, we should consider the source of such information unreliable. Nevertheless, we should use the fact that our spouse is drunk as another form of feedback about our life.
(8) Look for patterns in the feedback you receive.
If one person tells us that we're a horse, we may write them off as a nut. If three people tell us that we're a horse, we may think there's a conspiracy afoot. If ten people tell us that we're a horse, we'd better buy a saddle!
We need to pay attention to feedback that gets repeated by more than one person. It generally highlights where we should focus our energies to change things.
(9) Follow these steps when all feedback tells you that you've failed.
a) Acknowledge that you did your best with the awareness, knowledge, and skills that you had at that time.
b) Acknowledge that you survived the failure and can cope with the consequences.
c) Keep a journal called Insights and Lessons. Write down everything you learned from your failure. And then write down ways to do it better the next time.
d) Thank everyone for their feedback. Give up explaining, justifying, or blaming others for your actions. This is a waste of everyone's time.
e) Clean up any messes that you have created. Apologize or express regret to everyone that you have hurt. Never try to hide your failures. Remember, everyone else is already keenly aware of them.
f) Review your successes regularly. You have succeeded far more often than you've failed.
g) Regroup. Spend time with positive and loving friends, family, and coworkers until you are ready to move on.
h) Refocus your vision. Incorporate what you've learned from feedback and get on with it. Stay in the game, no matter what.
Proverbs 27:17 tells us, As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. God knows the importance of spending time with other supportive people who can sharpen our skills along the pathway of life. We can accelerate our progress toward our goals more quickly if we follow Jack's advice to ask for and act on both positive and negative feedback.
Today's Challenge
Select one area of your life and ask someone reliable to give you honest feedback about your performance. Remember to thank them, and don't shoot the messenger afterward. Follow up by asking them what it will take for you to improve. Then, take action to correct your behavior.
I welcome feedback from my readers. Please let me know how I am doing in explaining these success principles to you. If there is something I could do better, I would love to know exactly how I could improve.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
As we progress in our quest toward our dreams, we'll receive all kinds of feedback. It will come in the form of advice, data, help, suggestions, and criticism. We must be willing to respond to it. Jack provides some advice on how to use feedback to our advantage.
(1) Understand that there are two kinds of feedback.
We like positive feedback, because it generally makes us feel good when we receive praise, promotions, raises, awards, and pleasure. We tend to dislike negative feedback, because a lack of money, criticism, complaints, unhappiness, and conflict bring us pain.
We must change how we respond to negative feedback, because it provides us with improvement opportunities. To reach our goals more quickly, we need to embrace both positive and negative feedback.
(2) Stop responding to feedback in ways that don't work.
Some responses to feedback don't work to our advantage. They include:
a) Caving in and quitting;
b) Getting mad at the source of feedback; or
c) Ignoring the feedback.
If we break down, cry, and give up on our way to our goal because we can't stand the negative feedback, we've only hurt ourselves. Listening to it and adjusting our behavior would be a better way to respond.
Getting mad at the person who is trying to provide us with constructive criticism only serves to push away something that could help us. It builds walls between us and the person who wants to help.
Ignoring negative feedback is really foolish. Pretending it isn't there could cause us to veer so far off course that we never reach our goals.
(3) Ask for feedback.
The most valuable question we can ask is, "How am I limiting myself?" We may be pleasantly surprised to find that others see clearly the corrections we need to make to reach our goals. But we must be willing to ask. We have to make it safe for the other person, too. No fair shooting the messenger after we've asked for feedback.
(4) Learn to ask the two most valuable questions of all.
If we learn nothing else from Jack Canfield's book, The Success Principles, I believe this is the most important exercise. The two questions are:
a) On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the quality of our meeting? me as a manager? me as a parent? me as a teacher? this class? this meal? my housekeeping skills? our sex life? this book? this deal?
b) What would it take to make it a 10?
Asking only the first question only lets us know that the person we are working with is dissatisfied. Knowing in detail what it will take to make them satisfied with our performance is key to our success. We must make it a habit to end very project, meeting, class, consultation, installation, and encounter with both of these questions.
(5) Make these two questions a weekly ritual.
We can check in with our accountability partner, spouse, or business associate with these two questions at least once a week. If we ask them to rate the quality of our pathway to success, our relationship, or our work, then we can take action to ensure that things improve the following week.
(6) Be willing to ask.
Most people are reluctant to ask for feedback, because they are afraid of what they are going to hear. The truth is what it is. It can't hurt us, unless we hide from it.
And the worst part is, if we avoid seeking out the truth from others, everyone but us is going to know about it. They will tell their coworkers, friends, business associates, parents, and spouses the truth about us.
If we are the kind of person who gets defensive whenever someone offers us feedback, we deprive ourselves of the very thing that could make us better. Instead of getting defensive, we must start appreciating all feedback. When someone provides it to us, we need to say, "Thank you for caring enough to share that with me."
When we have the feedback we asked for, we must do something to change our own behavior. Asking for feedback and failing to utilize it is a waste of time.
(7) Remember that not all feedback is accurate.
Some people will criticize us and give us inaccurate feedback, because it is filtered through their own psychological distortions. We don't have to act on this type of inaccurate feedback, but we should listen to it.
In other words, if our drunken spouse tells us we're a loser, we should consider the source of such information unreliable. Nevertheless, we should use the fact that our spouse is drunk as another form of feedback about our life.
(8) Look for patterns in the feedback you receive.
If one person tells us that we're a horse, we may write them off as a nut. If three people tell us that we're a horse, we may think there's a conspiracy afoot. If ten people tell us that we're a horse, we'd better buy a saddle!
We need to pay attention to feedback that gets repeated by more than one person. It generally highlights where we should focus our energies to change things.
(9) Follow these steps when all feedback tells you that you've failed.
a) Acknowledge that you did your best with the awareness, knowledge, and skills that you had at that time.
b) Acknowledge that you survived the failure and can cope with the consequences.
c) Keep a journal called Insights and Lessons. Write down everything you learned from your failure. And then write down ways to do it better the next time.
d) Thank everyone for their feedback. Give up explaining, justifying, or blaming others for your actions. This is a waste of everyone's time.
e) Clean up any messes that you have created. Apologize or express regret to everyone that you have hurt. Never try to hide your failures. Remember, everyone else is already keenly aware of them.
f) Review your successes regularly. You have succeeded far more often than you've failed.
g) Regroup. Spend time with positive and loving friends, family, and coworkers until you are ready to move on.
h) Refocus your vision. Incorporate what you've learned from feedback and get on with it. Stay in the game, no matter what.
Proverbs 27:17 tells us, As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. God knows the importance of spending time with other supportive people who can sharpen our skills along the pathway of life. We can accelerate our progress toward our goals more quickly if we follow Jack's advice to ask for and act on both positive and negative feedback.
Today's Challenge
Select one area of your life and ask someone reliable to give you honest feedback about your performance. Remember to thank them, and don't shoot the messenger afterward. Follow up by asking them what it will take for you to improve. Then, take action to correct your behavior.
I welcome feedback from my readers. Please let me know how I am doing in explaining these success principles to you. If there is something I could do better, I would love to know exactly how I could improve.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
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