Jack Canfield's Success Principle #54
When I was growing up, men shook hands after making an agreement. Their word was their bond. Over time, contracts replaced hand shaking, because no one seemed to be able to keep their word.
You can imagine my surprise when we moved to the country last year and discovered that people still keep agreements based only on handshakes. I have made handshake deals with contractors to repair my house, with farmers to buy their beef cattle, and with a man buying a piece of property from us.
I believe that individuals living in small communities tend to keep their promises more readily than those living in large cities. It's easy to disappear into a crowd and never keep a commitment if someone can't find us. Living in a small town makes it awfully difficult to hide from someone we've made a promise to. Our reputations are more readily tarnished in a small community where everyone knows everybody else.
Why don't people keep their agreements?
People frequently make agreements, knowing that they'll break them before agreeing to them. I once overheard a bride saying to her father on the way down the aisle, "If it doesn't work out, I'll divorce him." Within six months, the couple had gone their separate ways.
Why do people break their commitments? They don't want to feel uncomfortable questioning the terms of an agreement. They don't want to be the focus of negative attention. They prefer to avoid confrontation of any kind. Survivors of abuse often break commitments, because they fear retribution for not going along with whatever others tell them to do.
Calculate the costs of breaking agreements.
When we don't keep our agreements, we pay both external and internal costs. Externally, we lose trust, respect, and credibility with others. This includes our family, our friends, our co-workers, and our customers. After a few incidents of breaking our promises, people stop trusting us. We lose authority with them. In time, our relationships deterioriate.
Internally, the costs of breaking promises are even higher. Each time we make an agreement with someone, our brain hears it and registers it as a commitment. When we don't follow through, we begin to distrust ourselves. We lose self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect. We lose faith in our ability to produce a result.
Follow Jack's tips for making and keeping agreements.
I believe the following suggestions may prove helpful to us in limiting the number of commitments we make and keeping the ones we agree to.
1) Make only agreements that you intend to keep.
We must be very careful about entering into agreements without taking time to think and pray about them. If we check in with our gut feelings, God will give us a sense about whether or not an agreement is right for us.
I meet many women who are in marriages with the wrong men, because they didn't stop to take the time and think about the obvious red flags in these men's actions. They marry abusers, knowing that the men are exhibiting symptoms of violent behavior. Women who were abused as children suffer from such low self-esteem that they place themselves in abusive marriages to unwittingly perpetuate further abuse.
Keeping a commitment with an abuser can make a woman's life miserable and is inadvisable. And breaking a vow to a violent man can be difficult, not to mention life-threatening.
As survivors of abuse, we must move slowly whenever we are asked to agree to something. Our fear of rejection frequently causes us to say yes to things that are not in our best interest. When our hearts tell us to say no, we need to be true to ourselves and decline such commitments.
2) Write down all the agreements you make.
In a calendar, journal, notebook, or computer program, we can record all of our agreements. By doing so, we remind ourselves to stick with them. In addition, we prevent ourselves from over-committing our time and setting ourselves up for failure.
3) Communicate any broken agreement at the first opportunity.
If a snowstorm prevents us from getting the car out of the drive, or our child is sick, or our computer crashes; we must notify others as soon as possible that we can't keep our commitments. By doing this, we demonstrate our respect for others' time. We can then reschedule and limit any potential damage.
4) Learn to say no more often.
We need to take plenty of time to think over our commitments before we make them. Jack writes the word no in yellow highlighter on all of his calendar pages to remind himself of what he may be giving up by saying yes to something new. I love this practice, because we often forget what the costs will be if we can't keep our promises.
Up the ante.
Jack claims that if we really want to make sure that we keep a commitment, we can set up a consequence that is far greater than the payoff. Martin Rutte, a Jew, promised to write a $1,000 check to the Ku Klux Klan if he failed to learn to dive by a certain date. Having to write that check to an organization he despised would have been far more painful than overcoming his fear of diving. In spite of the challenges, Martin learned to dive.
Follow Biblical principles to keep commitments.
I prefer to follow God's principles for keeping our promises. Jesus spoke to a crowd about keeping oaths in Matthew 5:33-37 (NIV), and I prefer it to Jack's advice for upping the ante: Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
Today's Challenge
Write out a list of all the commitments you have made. Put a checkmark in front of the ones you are keeping with ease. Highlight the ones that you need to re-negotiate. Take care of those today. Then write no with a highlighter on every day of your calendar to remind yourself to think twice about saying yes to new commitments you may not be able to keep.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Practice Uncommon Appreciation
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #53
Mother Teresa once said, There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread. Today's lesson focuses on the power of expressing gratitude to others.
Understand the power of appreciation...and the lack of it.
Most employees, when asked, will tell their supervisors that the most important way to motivate them is to express appreciation. Unfortunately, most supervisors list appreciation low on their list of priorities. Many people in positions of leadership focus more on productivity than on employee satisfaction.
Nearly fifty percent of people leave their jobs because they feel unappreciated. I don't have the statistics to prove it, but I'd be willing to say that many spouses leave marriages for the same reason.
If we want to be successful at work and in our relationships, we must learn to master the art of appreciation. It doesn't cost us much, other than a few moments of our time.
There are three kinds of appreciation.
The brain takes in information in three different ways: auditory, visual, and kinesthetic. People receive gratitude via these pathways, with one of them being foremost for each individual.
Auditory people like to hear our appreciation. If we take the time to stop and speak to them, they are thrilled.
Visual people prefer to receive something that they can look at for a long time. They enjoy love letters, cards, flowers, plaques, certificates, gifts, and pictures.
Kinesthetic people need to feel our appreciation. They enjoy a hug, a handshake, a pat on the back, a massage, or time spent doing something active with them.
If we want to become a pro at expressing appreciation, we should learn which type people like. We can ask them to describe the most memorable expression of gratitude they have ever received. Their answer will help us to determine whether they are primarily auditory, visual, or kinesthetic receivers.
Master the perfect combination.
If we aren't sure which form of apprection a person likes best, we can combine all three. A pat on the back, a sincere compliment, plus a gift or card can help us to make our point.
As a teacher, I observed pretty quickly that students responded better to compliments than they did to criticism. My first year of trying to deal with inner-city children was a disaster. The teachers around me had no respect for these little people whose mothers were prostitutes and whose fathers were inmates. I had no one to model appreciation toward students.
The following year, I was blessed with a position in the same building as our county's Teacher of the Year. His kindergarten classroom was a quiet hum of activity. I observed students playing with live bunnies, listening to auditory books, and building with blocks. There were no fights breaking out over the sandbox or squabbles over the baby dolls. What was he doing differently?
As I observed this amazing man at work, I suddenly realized that he had a great deal of respect for the kids...the same inner-city mix I had encountered the year before. He was down on the floor, crawling on his hands and knees with them. With smiles and pats on the back, he expressed gratitude for their outstanding behavior with tokens that they could later trade for small rewards.
The Teacher of the Year understood Jack Canfield's principle of expressing uncommon appreciation. I immediately adopted this same practice with my students, and I was amazed by the turn-around. When I built up the kids with appreciation, they became incredibly eager to please me more. They actually enjoyed behaving well, because it earned them my respect, love, and appreciation.
Give thanks to others and to God.
Successful people practice thanking others, as well as thanking God for the blessings he gives. Paul wrote in I Thessalonians 5:16-18, Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. We are called to thank God and to appreciate others, even when things are not going perfectly for us. By remaining in a grateful mindset, we attract others to us. We also attract more of God's blessings.
Today's Challenge
Put an index card into your purse or pocket today. Every time you express appreciation to someone, put a checkmark on the card. Don't go to sleep tonight until you have expressed gratitude to at least 10 people. Repeat this daily until it becomes a habit.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Mother Teresa once said, There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread. Today's lesson focuses on the power of expressing gratitude to others.
Understand the power of appreciation...and the lack of it.
Most employees, when asked, will tell their supervisors that the most important way to motivate them is to express appreciation. Unfortunately, most supervisors list appreciation low on their list of priorities. Many people in positions of leadership focus more on productivity than on employee satisfaction.
Nearly fifty percent of people leave their jobs because they feel unappreciated. I don't have the statistics to prove it, but I'd be willing to say that many spouses leave marriages for the same reason.
If we want to be successful at work and in our relationships, we must learn to master the art of appreciation. It doesn't cost us much, other than a few moments of our time.
There are three kinds of appreciation.
The brain takes in information in three different ways: auditory, visual, and kinesthetic. People receive gratitude via these pathways, with one of them being foremost for each individual.
Auditory people like to hear our appreciation. If we take the time to stop and speak to them, they are thrilled.
Visual people prefer to receive something that they can look at for a long time. They enjoy love letters, cards, flowers, plaques, certificates, gifts, and pictures.
Kinesthetic people need to feel our appreciation. They enjoy a hug, a handshake, a pat on the back, a massage, or time spent doing something active with them.
If we want to become a pro at expressing appreciation, we should learn which type people like. We can ask them to describe the most memorable expression of gratitude they have ever received. Their answer will help us to determine whether they are primarily auditory, visual, or kinesthetic receivers.
Master the perfect combination.
If we aren't sure which form of apprection a person likes best, we can combine all three. A pat on the back, a sincere compliment, plus a gift or card can help us to make our point.
As a teacher, I observed pretty quickly that students responded better to compliments than they did to criticism. My first year of trying to deal with inner-city children was a disaster. The teachers around me had no respect for these little people whose mothers were prostitutes and whose fathers were inmates. I had no one to model appreciation toward students.
The following year, I was blessed with a position in the same building as our county's Teacher of the Year. His kindergarten classroom was a quiet hum of activity. I observed students playing with live bunnies, listening to auditory books, and building with blocks. There were no fights breaking out over the sandbox or squabbles over the baby dolls. What was he doing differently?
As I observed this amazing man at work, I suddenly realized that he had a great deal of respect for the kids...the same inner-city mix I had encountered the year before. He was down on the floor, crawling on his hands and knees with them. With smiles and pats on the back, he expressed gratitude for their outstanding behavior with tokens that they could later trade for small rewards.
The Teacher of the Year understood Jack Canfield's principle of expressing uncommon appreciation. I immediately adopted this same practice with my students, and I was amazed by the turn-around. When I built up the kids with appreciation, they became incredibly eager to please me more. They actually enjoyed behaving well, because it earned them my respect, love, and appreciation.
Give thanks to others and to God.
Successful people practice thanking others, as well as thanking God for the blessings he gives. Paul wrote in I Thessalonians 5:16-18, Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. We are called to thank God and to appreciate others, even when things are not going perfectly for us. By remaining in a grateful mindset, we attract others to us. We also attract more of God's blessings.
Today's Challenge
Put an index card into your purse or pocket today. Every time you express appreciation to someone, put a checkmark on the card. Don't go to sleep tonight until you have expressed gratitude to at least 10 people. Repeat this daily until it becomes a habit.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
When in Doubt, Check it Out
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #52
Most of us waste valuable time and resources wondering what other people are thinking. Instead of asking others for clarification, we assume things, usually against ourselves. Successful people don't waste time assuming anything. They are quick to ask questions, because they're not afraid of rejection.
We imagine the worst when we don't know the truth.
There are so many situations where we can imagine the worst, because we simply don't know what's going on. For instance, if we have a biopsy performed, our minds tend to race to the worst-case scenario until the doctor provides us with the results. As soon as we hear the truth, our fears are released.
If we walk into work to discover our friend hurrying away from us, we tend to assume that they're angry with us. By taking the time to ask them what's going on, we might discover that they're ill and were rushing to the restroom. It's usually wise to check in when we're not sure about the facts.
Ask, "Do you mean...?"
Jack teaches something he calls the Do You Mean technique. He explains that most people don't immediately tell us the reasons behind their answers to our questions. Men, in particular, tend to keep their responses very brief. This causes a great deal of miscommunication between the sexes.
For instance, if I'm too tired to cook, I may ask Joe to take me out to eat. If he merely says no, I might instantly assume that he's mad at me, doesn't care about me, and so on. On the other hand, if I use Jack's Do You Mean technique, I can find out why Joe said no. Here are some sample questions:
Do you mean that you would rather be doing something else?
Do you mean that you want me to cook dinner, even though I'm tired?
Do you mean that you have to work late?
By asking these types of questions, I may discover that Joe has to work late and won't be home for dinner at all. Using this technique clears up a lot of misunderstandings.
Checking it out contributes to your success.
As a teacher, I quickly learned the importance of being clear about communication. I worked with a team of eight kindergarten teachers, who all shared in the work of instructing over 200 students. We met weekly for several hours to brainstorm, plan, and divide responsibilities. At the end of our meetings, the chairwoman double-checked with each member to clarify with us what she was expecting us to do in the upcoming week. This process helped all of us to feel confident about our roles, and we had very few misunderstandings.
By contrast, I later served at a different school system where no one worked as part of a grade-level team. Every teacher kept to herself, teaching what she had been for twenty or thirty years. When there was a building-wide staff meeting, the principal shot requests at us. She rarely checked with us to make sure that we understood our duties. As a result, there were frequent misunderstandings, and staff morale was very low.
Psalm 119:30 (NIV) says, I have chosen the way of truth. I think this is an excellent verse to post on the fridge or at our desks. Asking for clarification provides us with the facts in a hurry. And once we know the truth about a situation, we can take action to make corrections before things really go awry.
Clarifying is not micro-managing.
I would like to add that some people resent having us double-check with them. They don't like feeling that they are being micro-managed. There's a difference between saying, "Okay, I'll look forward to receiving your report on Wednesday;" and calling the person hourly to ask if the report is done. Asking for clarification does not mean we are controlling someone's every move.
For those of us who have suffered from PTSD or abuse, the urge to control others is strong. Letting go of that urge to control frees others to use their creativity and allows us to relax. We can clarify with others, but we must not micro-manage them.
Today's Challenge
Look for opportunities today to ask for clarification. Practice the Do You Mean technique to clear up any misunderstandings. Send me your comments to let me know how this works for you.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Most of us waste valuable time and resources wondering what other people are thinking. Instead of asking others for clarification, we assume things, usually against ourselves. Successful people don't waste time assuming anything. They are quick to ask questions, because they're not afraid of rejection.
We imagine the worst when we don't know the truth.
There are so many situations where we can imagine the worst, because we simply don't know what's going on. For instance, if we have a biopsy performed, our minds tend to race to the worst-case scenario until the doctor provides us with the results. As soon as we hear the truth, our fears are released.
If we walk into work to discover our friend hurrying away from us, we tend to assume that they're angry with us. By taking the time to ask them what's going on, we might discover that they're ill and were rushing to the restroom. It's usually wise to check in when we're not sure about the facts.
Ask, "Do you mean...?"
Jack teaches something he calls the Do You Mean technique. He explains that most people don't immediately tell us the reasons behind their answers to our questions. Men, in particular, tend to keep their responses very brief. This causes a great deal of miscommunication between the sexes.
For instance, if I'm too tired to cook, I may ask Joe to take me out to eat. If he merely says no, I might instantly assume that he's mad at me, doesn't care about me, and so on. On the other hand, if I use Jack's Do You Mean technique, I can find out why Joe said no. Here are some sample questions:
Do you mean that you would rather be doing something else?
Do you mean that you want me to cook dinner, even though I'm tired?
Do you mean that you have to work late?
By asking these types of questions, I may discover that Joe has to work late and won't be home for dinner at all. Using this technique clears up a lot of misunderstandings.
Checking it out contributes to your success.
As a teacher, I quickly learned the importance of being clear about communication. I worked with a team of eight kindergarten teachers, who all shared in the work of instructing over 200 students. We met weekly for several hours to brainstorm, plan, and divide responsibilities. At the end of our meetings, the chairwoman double-checked with each member to clarify with us what she was expecting us to do in the upcoming week. This process helped all of us to feel confident about our roles, and we had very few misunderstandings.
By contrast, I later served at a different school system where no one worked as part of a grade-level team. Every teacher kept to herself, teaching what she had been for twenty or thirty years. When there was a building-wide staff meeting, the principal shot requests at us. She rarely checked with us to make sure that we understood our duties. As a result, there were frequent misunderstandings, and staff morale was very low.
Psalm 119:30 (NIV) says, I have chosen the way of truth. I think this is an excellent verse to post on the fridge or at our desks. Asking for clarification provides us with the facts in a hurry. And once we know the truth about a situation, we can take action to make corrections before things really go awry.
Clarifying is not micro-managing.
I would like to add that some people resent having us double-check with them. They don't like feeling that they are being micro-managed. There's a difference between saying, "Okay, I'll look forward to receiving your report on Wednesday;" and calling the person hourly to ask if the report is done. Asking for clarification does not mean we are controlling someone's every move.
For those of us who have suffered from PTSD or abuse, the urge to control others is strong. Letting go of that urge to control frees others to use their creativity and allows us to relax. We can clarify with others, but we must not micro-manage them.
Today's Challenge
Look for opportunities today to ask for clarification. Practice the Do You Mean technique to clear up any misunderstandings. Send me your comments to let me know how this works for you.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Speak with Impeccability
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #51
Successful people learn to master their words. They say things that will build self-esteem, self-confidence, and dreams. Through positive words, successful people help others to reach their goals by affirming, encouraging, appreciating, loving, and accepting them.
Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Does this describe the way you talk?
Our words create changes in the energy that we give and receive.
Jack points out that if we express love and acceptance to others, they will experience love for us. If, on the other hand, we express judgment or contempt for others, we will get the same in return. Expressions of gratitude result in appreciation returned to us.
Everything that we say produces an effect in the world. Did you know that every sound ever uttered travels through space and continues on for light years across the universe? This fact, when I remember it, causes me to zip my lips. How many useless words have I uttered? How many times have I wasted my breath in saying something pointless or unkind?
It's important to consider whether our words are going to advance our goals of becoming the best version of ourselves. Does our speech uplift the people listening? Do our words inspire, motivate, or create forward momentum? We must also ask whether our words will create safety and trust, or whether they will instill fear in others.
Stop lying and gossiping.
Lying is the product of low self-esteem; it is the belief that we and our abilities are somehow not enough to get us what we want. It is also based on the false belief that we can't handle the consequences of people knowing the truth about us. As we learned yesterday, it is imperative that we say what is true at all times.
When we gossip about someone, it shows the rest of the world that we are the kind of person who regularly talks about others behind their backs. It makes people wonder if we will turn that verbal poison on them. It erodes trust.
Caesar Milan is an author and star of the TV show, The Dog Whisperer. He understands the minds of dogs better than most people do. Recently, he made the point that if a dog doesn't trust a human, he will have no respect for the man. As a result, the dog may bite his owner, tear up his home, and soil his carpets. Without respect, there can be no relationship between man and dog.
Much of what Caesar Milan has to say about dogs, I believe, can be applied to human relationships, as well. As an abuse survivor, I can say that it used to be very difficult for me to trust others. After experiencing so much hurt, it was easier to rely only on myself. The problem with this over-reliance on self was that it often made it difficult for me to respect others. I tended to be very critical of people, which didn't do much for my relationships with them.
This lack of trust creates a multitude of problems for abuse survivors, but we can learn to overcome them. We can begin by finding someone reliable whom we can trust. Through safe encounters with trustworthy people, we can learn what it means to respect someone, to admire them, and to eventually love them.
When I met Joe, there was something about his demeanor that gave me my first glimpse into trustworthiness. He had served in the Air Force with military intelligence. He knew things that were so confidential, to speak of them could bring about devastation for our nation.
In all the years that we have been married, Joe has never shared any of that top-secret information with me. I realized by his example that anyone can learn to keep quiet about confidential matters. And when a person keeps confidences, we begin to trust him. Joe was the first man I ever trusted. Out of that trust has grown tremendous respect, which has evolved into a beautiful love relationship between the two of us.
But everyone is gossiping!
Gossip is all around us. I can be as guilty as the next person if I'm not careful about what I say. We hear it at work, in our neighborhoods, at home, and even in church. We can check our own words, but what about those around us who won't quit gossiping? We can follow these practical tips to stop others from gossiping and to prevent ourselves from falling back into it:
1) Change the subject. Remember that gossip lowers us back to a place of mistrust, where most gossipers remain stuck.
2) Say something positive about the gossiper to re-direct his perspective.
3) Walk away from the conversation.
4) Keep your mouth shut.
5) Clearly state that you no longer want to participate in gossiping.
Today's Challenge
Pay close attention to the words that come out of your mouth today. How do you feel after speaking? Do your words make you feel happy, joyful, calm, or at peace? Or have they left you feeling pretty miserable? Check both your verbal and written words for impeccability and change any that are not uplifting to others and energizing to yourself.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Successful people learn to master their words. They say things that will build self-esteem, self-confidence, and dreams. Through positive words, successful people help others to reach their goals by affirming, encouraging, appreciating, loving, and accepting them.
Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Does this describe the way you talk?
Our words create changes in the energy that we give and receive.
Jack points out that if we express love and acceptance to others, they will experience love for us. If, on the other hand, we express judgment or contempt for others, we will get the same in return. Expressions of gratitude result in appreciation returned to us.
Everything that we say produces an effect in the world. Did you know that every sound ever uttered travels through space and continues on for light years across the universe? This fact, when I remember it, causes me to zip my lips. How many useless words have I uttered? How many times have I wasted my breath in saying something pointless or unkind?
It's important to consider whether our words are going to advance our goals of becoming the best version of ourselves. Does our speech uplift the people listening? Do our words inspire, motivate, or create forward momentum? We must also ask whether our words will create safety and trust, or whether they will instill fear in others.
Stop lying and gossiping.
Lying is the product of low self-esteem; it is the belief that we and our abilities are somehow not enough to get us what we want. It is also based on the false belief that we can't handle the consequences of people knowing the truth about us. As we learned yesterday, it is imperative that we say what is true at all times.
When we gossip about someone, it shows the rest of the world that we are the kind of person who regularly talks about others behind their backs. It makes people wonder if we will turn that verbal poison on them. It erodes trust.
Caesar Milan is an author and star of the TV show, The Dog Whisperer. He understands the minds of dogs better than most people do. Recently, he made the point that if a dog doesn't trust a human, he will have no respect for the man. As a result, the dog may bite his owner, tear up his home, and soil his carpets. Without respect, there can be no relationship between man and dog.
Much of what Caesar Milan has to say about dogs, I believe, can be applied to human relationships, as well. As an abuse survivor, I can say that it used to be very difficult for me to trust others. After experiencing so much hurt, it was easier to rely only on myself. The problem with this over-reliance on self was that it often made it difficult for me to respect others. I tended to be very critical of people, which didn't do much for my relationships with them.
This lack of trust creates a multitude of problems for abuse survivors, but we can learn to overcome them. We can begin by finding someone reliable whom we can trust. Through safe encounters with trustworthy people, we can learn what it means to respect someone, to admire them, and to eventually love them.
When I met Joe, there was something about his demeanor that gave me my first glimpse into trustworthiness. He had served in the Air Force with military intelligence. He knew things that were so confidential, to speak of them could bring about devastation for our nation.
In all the years that we have been married, Joe has never shared any of that top-secret information with me. I realized by his example that anyone can learn to keep quiet about confidential matters. And when a person keeps confidences, we begin to trust him. Joe was the first man I ever trusted. Out of that trust has grown tremendous respect, which has evolved into a beautiful love relationship between the two of us.
But everyone is gossiping!
Gossip is all around us. I can be as guilty as the next person if I'm not careful about what I say. We hear it at work, in our neighborhoods, at home, and even in church. We can check our own words, but what about those around us who won't quit gossiping? We can follow these practical tips to stop others from gossiping and to prevent ourselves from falling back into it:
1) Change the subject. Remember that gossip lowers us back to a place of mistrust, where most gossipers remain stuck.
2) Say something positive about the gossiper to re-direct his perspective.
3) Walk away from the conversation.
4) Keep your mouth shut.
5) Clearly state that you no longer want to participate in gossiping.
Today's Challenge
Pay close attention to the words that come out of your mouth today. How do you feel after speaking? Do your words make you feel happy, joyful, calm, or at peace? Or have they left you feeling pretty miserable? Check both your verbal and written words for impeccability and change any that are not uplifting to others and energizing to yourself.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Friday, January 7, 2011
Tell the Truth Faster
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #50
Most people avoid telling the truth for three reasons. They're afraid that it might make someone: 1) uncomfortable, 2) hurt, or 3) angry. If we don't tell the truth, we can't really live in reality, nor can others. Telling the truth frees everyone to deal with things the way they really are; not the way we wish they were.
What happens when you tell the truth?
When we withhold secrets about ourselves, it takes up a lot of our energy. On the other hand, when we release the truth about something or someone, our focus shifts away from what we were hiding to what God wants us to spend our lives doing.
For people who have been victims of incest, hiding the truth takes up an enormous amount of energy. It took me fifty years to speak the truth out loud. Prior to that time, I suffered from nightmares that robbed me of sleep and kept me in a fog through the day. I had a list of physical ailments as long as my arm.
After I told the truth about what had happened to me, I suddenly found that I had greater energy and clarity of mind. I began to complete tasks that had previously overwhelmed me. For the first time ever, I experienced joy.
What do you need to share?
Jack says that he believes the three things people most need to share are: 1) resentments that have built up; 2) the unmet needs that underlie those resentments; and 3) appreciations. I'd like to address the first two.
Survivors of incest harbor a lot of resentment against their parents, who failed to protect them from sexual abuse. When the very people we expected to keep us safe turned out to be the ones who hurt us the most; we can get into the unhealthy habit of dwelling daily on the pain of our past.
We can shift into a more positive state of mind by writing down our resentments on paper and telling God about how desperately neglected we felt as children. Even if our earthly parents have let us down, our heavenly Father never will.
I once went to a remote cabin and gathered hundreds of twigs from the forest floor. Carrying them to a fire ring, I sat with a hatchet and whacked each twig in half. With every blow of the blade, I told a truth about one of the many ways my mother had failed to meet my needs. When I was finished, I piled the twigs in the fire ring and set them ablaze. As the smoke rose heavenward, I told God that I was giving him all of my past pain. I felt an incredible release afterward, and my life's focus began to shift in a more positive direction.
When is the best time to tell the truth?
Generally, if we're asking ourselves when we should tell the truth, the answer is now. We'll probably be uncomfortable, and it may create lots of reactions. But telling the truth immediately is the right thing to do in most cases.
If we say, "But I don't want to hurt their feelings," we're telling a lie. What's really happening is that we don't want to hurt our own feelings. We're avoiding how we will feel when they get upset. This is the coward's way out. Hiding the truth always backfires. The longer we withhold it, the worse things get for everyone involved.
Once again, Dr. Seuss' quote comes to mind: Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. This saying has given me the courage to tell the truth faster in many instances. The way I look at it, if someone blows their stack when I tell them the truth, they really don't matter in the big scheme of things.
One of the hardest conversations I ever had was with my mother. When I told her that my dad had molested me as a child, she refused to believe me. Instead, she rushed to my father's defense and fiercely clung to his denial. In that moment, I realized that my mother was one of those people who didn't matter. It was a sad revelation, but a freeing one.
As Jack pointed out, refusing to speak or hear the truth does not allow people to dwell in reality. Instead, they remain trapped in a world of their own invention. Are you living a real life or an imaginary one?
Proverbs 16:13 reads, Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth. Imagine trying to rule a kingdom surrounded by nothing but yes-men. How would a leader ever discern what was best for his subjects if his right-hand men were all afraid to tell him the truth?
How can we discern what's best for us if we're afraid to hear the truth about ourselves? How can we find the energy we need to cope with life if we're using it all up to hold back the truth?
Today's Challenge
On a sheet of paper, write down all of the resentments you feel toward people who have failed to meet your needs. In prayer, share your list with God and ask him to help you to speak the truth in love where it is appropriate. Make a commitment from this day forward to tell the truth faster. By doing so, you will free yourself and others to live in reality, not in an imaginary world that doesn't exist.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Most people avoid telling the truth for three reasons. They're afraid that it might make someone: 1) uncomfortable, 2) hurt, or 3) angry. If we don't tell the truth, we can't really live in reality, nor can others. Telling the truth frees everyone to deal with things the way they really are; not the way we wish they were.
What happens when you tell the truth?
When we withhold secrets about ourselves, it takes up a lot of our energy. On the other hand, when we release the truth about something or someone, our focus shifts away from what we were hiding to what God wants us to spend our lives doing.
For people who have been victims of incest, hiding the truth takes up an enormous amount of energy. It took me fifty years to speak the truth out loud. Prior to that time, I suffered from nightmares that robbed me of sleep and kept me in a fog through the day. I had a list of physical ailments as long as my arm.
After I told the truth about what had happened to me, I suddenly found that I had greater energy and clarity of mind. I began to complete tasks that had previously overwhelmed me. For the first time ever, I experienced joy.
What do you need to share?
Jack says that he believes the three things people most need to share are: 1) resentments that have built up; 2) the unmet needs that underlie those resentments; and 3) appreciations. I'd like to address the first two.
Survivors of incest harbor a lot of resentment against their parents, who failed to protect them from sexual abuse. When the very people we expected to keep us safe turned out to be the ones who hurt us the most; we can get into the unhealthy habit of dwelling daily on the pain of our past.
We can shift into a more positive state of mind by writing down our resentments on paper and telling God about how desperately neglected we felt as children. Even if our earthly parents have let us down, our heavenly Father never will.
I once went to a remote cabin and gathered hundreds of twigs from the forest floor. Carrying them to a fire ring, I sat with a hatchet and whacked each twig in half. With every blow of the blade, I told a truth about one of the many ways my mother had failed to meet my needs. When I was finished, I piled the twigs in the fire ring and set them ablaze. As the smoke rose heavenward, I told God that I was giving him all of my past pain. I felt an incredible release afterward, and my life's focus began to shift in a more positive direction.
When is the best time to tell the truth?
Generally, if we're asking ourselves when we should tell the truth, the answer is now. We'll probably be uncomfortable, and it may create lots of reactions. But telling the truth immediately is the right thing to do in most cases.
If we say, "But I don't want to hurt their feelings," we're telling a lie. What's really happening is that we don't want to hurt our own feelings. We're avoiding how we will feel when they get upset. This is the coward's way out. Hiding the truth always backfires. The longer we withhold it, the worse things get for everyone involved.
Once again, Dr. Seuss' quote comes to mind: Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. This saying has given me the courage to tell the truth faster in many instances. The way I look at it, if someone blows their stack when I tell them the truth, they really don't matter in the big scheme of things.
One of the hardest conversations I ever had was with my mother. When I told her that my dad had molested me as a child, she refused to believe me. Instead, she rushed to my father's defense and fiercely clung to his denial. In that moment, I realized that my mother was one of those people who didn't matter. It was a sad revelation, but a freeing one.
As Jack pointed out, refusing to speak or hear the truth does not allow people to dwell in reality. Instead, they remain trapped in a world of their own invention. Are you living a real life or an imaginary one?
Proverbs 16:13 reads, Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth. Imagine trying to rule a kingdom surrounded by nothing but yes-men. How would a leader ever discern what was best for his subjects if his right-hand men were all afraid to tell him the truth?
How can we discern what's best for us if we're afraid to hear the truth about ourselves? How can we find the energy we need to cope with life if we're using it all up to hold back the truth?
Today's Challenge
On a sheet of paper, write down all of the resentments you feel toward people who have failed to meet your needs. In prayer, share your list with God and ask him to help you to speak the truth in love where it is appropriate. Make a commitment from this day forward to tell the truth faster. By doing so, you will free yourself and others to live in reality, not in an imaginary world that doesn't exist.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Have a Heart Talk
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #49
When feelings between business associates, friends, or family members don't get expressed appropriately, tension builds. If we're trying to work together to reach our goals, we cannot succeed if there's emotional static confusing our conversations.
Use Heart Talks to foster communication.
Cliff Durfee created something called the Heart Talk process, which Jack recommends. It is a very structured communication system that is used to release unexpressed emotions. The Heart Talk fosters rapport, understanding, and intimacy between people.
When can heart talks be useful?
Heart Talks are useful before meetings, when an emotionally charged event occurs, when there is conflict between people or groups; and on a regular basis at home, in the office, and in the classroom.
How is a Heart Talk conducted?
Begin a Heart Talk with 2 to 10 people. Explain that by following the guidelines, a safe, nonjudgmental space will be created to support everyone. Assemble the members in a circle and introduce the basic rules:
1) Only the person holding the heart (or other object) talks.
2) No one judges or criticizes what anyone else has said.
3) Pass the object to the left after your turn.
4) Talk about how you feel.
5) Keep the information you hear confidential.
6) Don't leave the room until everyone agrees that the talk is complete.
Post these guidelines where everyone can see them. If someone gets off track, point to the guideline they've broken.
Go around the group at least once so that everyone gets a turn. Keep starting over with the first person and going around until nobody has anything else to say. In that case, say 'pass' when the object reaches you.
What benefits can be expected from a Heart Talk?
A Heart Talk enhances people's listening skills, provides a constructive outlet for feelings, improves conflict resolution skills, enables people to let go of old resentments, develops mutual respect and understanding, and creates a sense of unity among the members.
More thoughts about the Heart Talk process.
I wish that I had known about the Heart Talk process before the holidays. It might have prevented the disastrous outcome we experienced when someone in the family verbally abused others and then stomped out in anger. The rest of us would have all been able to express our feelings honestly and completely if we had known about this process. As it is, we are left with unresolved emotions that are difficult to bring up.
Proverbs 29:22 (NIV) reads, An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins. I'm certain that the Heart Talk process probably works with most people. But I'm not so sure that abusers can be trusted within such a group. They generally have an agenda, and they typically remain angry, no matter what others do to try to help them. Beware of setting yourself up for further abuse if you attempt to do this one on one with an abusive person.
Today's Challenge
Choose to have a Heart Talk with an individual or small group of people today. Post the guidelines and facilitate the activity. Send me your comments about the outcome.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
When feelings between business associates, friends, or family members don't get expressed appropriately, tension builds. If we're trying to work together to reach our goals, we cannot succeed if there's emotional static confusing our conversations.
Use Heart Talks to foster communication.
Cliff Durfee created something called the Heart Talk process, which Jack recommends. It is a very structured communication system that is used to release unexpressed emotions. The Heart Talk fosters rapport, understanding, and intimacy between people.
When can heart talks be useful?
Heart Talks are useful before meetings, when an emotionally charged event occurs, when there is conflict between people or groups; and on a regular basis at home, in the office, and in the classroom.
How is a Heart Talk conducted?
Begin a Heart Talk with 2 to 10 people. Explain that by following the guidelines, a safe, nonjudgmental space will be created to support everyone. Assemble the members in a circle and introduce the basic rules:
1) Only the person holding the heart (or other object) talks.
2) No one judges or criticizes what anyone else has said.
3) Pass the object to the left after your turn.
4) Talk about how you feel.
5) Keep the information you hear confidential.
6) Don't leave the room until everyone agrees that the talk is complete.
Post these guidelines where everyone can see them. If someone gets off track, point to the guideline they've broken.
Go around the group at least once so that everyone gets a turn. Keep starting over with the first person and going around until nobody has anything else to say. In that case, say 'pass' when the object reaches you.
What benefits can be expected from a Heart Talk?
A Heart Talk enhances people's listening skills, provides a constructive outlet for feelings, improves conflict resolution skills, enables people to let go of old resentments, develops mutual respect and understanding, and creates a sense of unity among the members.
More thoughts about the Heart Talk process.
I wish that I had known about the Heart Talk process before the holidays. It might have prevented the disastrous outcome we experienced when someone in the family verbally abused others and then stomped out in anger. The rest of us would have all been able to express our feelings honestly and completely if we had known about this process. As it is, we are left with unresolved emotions that are difficult to bring up.
Proverbs 29:22 (NIV) reads, An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins. I'm certain that the Heart Talk process probably works with most people. But I'm not so sure that abusers can be trusted within such a group. They generally have an agenda, and they typically remain angry, no matter what others do to try to help them. Beware of setting yourself up for further abuse if you attempt to do this one on one with an abusive person.
Today's Challenge
Choose to have a Heart Talk with an individual or small group of people today. Post the guidelines and facilitate the activity. Send me your comments about the outcome.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Be Hear Now
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #48
Active listening--not just hearing--is the art of paying thoughtful attention to what a person is trying to communicate. It requires us to maintain eye contact, watch the speaker's body language, ask for clarification, and discern any unspoken messages.
Argue less and listen more.
Many people become defensive when we tell them that we are dissatisfied with some aspect of their behavior. Argumentative people who don't listen to constructive criticism generally fail to succeed in many endeavors.
If we want to be successful, we must learn to argue less and listen more. If we respond to feedback and adjust our actions, we can create more satisfying relationships, earn more respect from others, and reach our goals more quickly.
Be interested, rather than interesting.
For many abuse survivors, trying to carry on a conversation can be a challenge. We've been muted for so long, we don't know where to begin. We feel awkward with people we don't know well, and it's hard to trust ourselves to say something intelligent.
This tip should actually be easier for us than for many other people. Instead of trying to amuse, impress, or inform others; we can simply listen to what they have to say. When we become interested in others, we develop curiosity about what they feel, how they think, and how they see the world. We can discover their hopes, dreams, and fears. By doing this, others respond by seeking us!
In the movie, Being There, Peter Sellers was a mentally-challenged gardener whose wealthy employer died suddenly. Without anyone to look after his needs, Chancey Gardener went out into the world without a clue about how to manage his life. He was a man of so few words that everyone thought he was brilliant. He even managed to get himself elected President of the United States! Sometimes, the best way to impress others is to keep our mouths shut.
The wisdom behind active listening can also be found in Proverbs 18:13. He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame. We can't possibly answer anyone intelligently if we haven't taken the time to listen carefully to the message. We end up looking foolish or embarrassing ourselves when we fail to listen first.
Learn and apply these four powerful questions.
The next time you want to establish rapport with a business associate or a friend, try asking the following questions. Keep your mouth shut and listen to their responses. Jack swears you'll be amazed with the results, which he claims are magical.
1) If we were meeting three years from today, what has to have happened during that time for you to feel happy about your progress?
2) What are the biggest dangers you'll have to face and deal with in order to achieve that progress?
3) What are the biggest opportunities facing you that you would need to focus on and capture to achieve those things?
4) What strengths will you need to reinforce and maximize; and what skills and resources will you need to develop which you don't currently have in order to capture those opportunities?
Today's Challenge
Write down these four questions on an index card and carry it with you. Practice asking someone each question over lunch or dinner today. If the person doesn't want to answer the questions or can't come up with any responses, they are probably not the kind of individual with whom you should be doing business or forming close relationships. Either they may be unaware of their life purpose, or they don't trust others. In either case, reconsider how much of your time you should spend trying to help such closed-off people to achieve their goals.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Active listening--not just hearing--is the art of paying thoughtful attention to what a person is trying to communicate. It requires us to maintain eye contact, watch the speaker's body language, ask for clarification, and discern any unspoken messages.
Argue less and listen more.
Many people become defensive when we tell them that we are dissatisfied with some aspect of their behavior. Argumentative people who don't listen to constructive criticism generally fail to succeed in many endeavors.
If we want to be successful, we must learn to argue less and listen more. If we respond to feedback and adjust our actions, we can create more satisfying relationships, earn more respect from others, and reach our goals more quickly.
Be interested, rather than interesting.
For many abuse survivors, trying to carry on a conversation can be a challenge. We've been muted for so long, we don't know where to begin. We feel awkward with people we don't know well, and it's hard to trust ourselves to say something intelligent.
This tip should actually be easier for us than for many other people. Instead of trying to amuse, impress, or inform others; we can simply listen to what they have to say. When we become interested in others, we develop curiosity about what they feel, how they think, and how they see the world. We can discover their hopes, dreams, and fears. By doing this, others respond by seeking us!
In the movie, Being There, Peter Sellers was a mentally-challenged gardener whose wealthy employer died suddenly. Without anyone to look after his needs, Chancey Gardener went out into the world without a clue about how to manage his life. He was a man of so few words that everyone thought he was brilliant. He even managed to get himself elected President of the United States! Sometimes, the best way to impress others is to keep our mouths shut.
The wisdom behind active listening can also be found in Proverbs 18:13. He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame. We can't possibly answer anyone intelligently if we haven't taken the time to listen carefully to the message. We end up looking foolish or embarrassing ourselves when we fail to listen first.
Learn and apply these four powerful questions.
The next time you want to establish rapport with a business associate or a friend, try asking the following questions. Keep your mouth shut and listen to their responses. Jack swears you'll be amazed with the results, which he claims are magical.
1) If we were meeting three years from today, what has to have happened during that time for you to feel happy about your progress?
2) What are the biggest dangers you'll have to face and deal with in order to achieve that progress?
3) What are the biggest opportunities facing you that you would need to focus on and capture to achieve those things?
4) What strengths will you need to reinforce and maximize; and what skills and resources will you need to develop which you don't currently have in order to capture those opportunities?
Today's Challenge
Write down these four questions on an index card and carry it with you. Practice asking someone each question over lunch or dinner today. If the person doesn't want to answer the questions or can't come up with any responses, they are probably not the kind of individual with whom you should be doing business or forming close relationships. Either they may be unaware of their life purpose, or they don't trust others. In either case, reconsider how much of your time you should spend trying to help such closed-off people to achieve their goals.
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
