Letting Go of Vengeful Thinking

Yesterday, we learned that childhood sexual abuse creates anger within us. When that anger remains unexpressed, it can often evolve into fantasies of revenge. At times, it bubbles over as passive-aggressive behavior. Today, we learn how to let go of our vengeful thoughts so that we can move forward in our journey toward forgiveness. Revenge is the sixth roadblock in my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.

Vengeful thoughts keep us in a state of ill health and inner turmoil.
Vengeful thinking stems from repressed anger. If you think back to last week's lesson on anger, you'll recall that it's not healthy to hang onto anger. It causes increases in our blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol levels, and cholesterol readings.

In addition to the physical harm we cause ourselves by remaining bitter, we also create one of the biggest roadblocks to forgiveness. When we think about revenge, we stay hyper-focused on our angry thoughts. Not only does this block us from forgiving, but it also prevents us from living with the type of internal peace that we must have to feel emotionally healthy.

Letting go of bitterness opens the door to healing.
If we think of forgiveness as something that we can only give away, we are missing half of the concept. We forgive, because it is a gift we can give ourselves. When we let go of our bitterness and thoughts of revenge, we free ourselves to begin a new life of inner calm.

Without thoughts of revenge, we can grow spiritually, find emotional renewal, express the truth, and regain our self-respect. This sounds wonderful, but perhaps you're wondering how to find this elusive place in your mind. The process may take a long time, but I found that the following three steps were helpful to me.

1) Acknowledge that you're angry.
Joe and I took a vacation a few years ago to a remote cabin in northern Michigan. The place was devoid of televisions, computers, phones, radios, and people. We thought it was going to be great, but there was one problem: I packed anger in my bags without even realizing it. And it was coming out in passive-aggression toward my innocent husband. I realized that when we remove all of the busy-ness of our lives, we find the junk that we've been carrying around all of our lives.

2) Get it out and get on with your life.
During this getaway, I was biting poor Joe's head off. He looked so miserable, I decided that I'd better figure out what was bothering me. I wandered out of the cabin on a drizzly day and sat by the sodden fire pit. I asked God to reveal to me why I felt so enraged.

It didn't take long for the answer to come: my mother had neglected my needs all of my life, and whenever we took family vacations, I felt even greater isolation. Our little getaway was triggering memories of my mother's drinking and oblivion to my needs to play and explore our vacation spots.

A therapist had once told me to find objects that I could label with my unmet needs and anger. I decided to pick up small twigs that had fallen from the pine trees. After I had gathered a hefty pile of twigs, I found a hatchet. As instructed earlier in counseling, I named each twig and then gave it a whack. "This is for never reading me a bedtime story." Whack. "This is for calling me worse than yesterday's trash." Whack. And so it continued, until I had named every reason for being angry with my mother. It took quite a while, but when I was done, I felt drained.

3) Let go and let God.
I sat there, staring at my pile of twigs. I hated the way my anger made me feel, and I didn't want to haul it around during my entire vacation. It was time to let it go.

A light mist continued falling, and the odds of lighting a fire were slim to none. But I knew that I had to fully destroy this anger before it destroyed me. With a large box of matches, I worked and worked to set that bunch of anger on fire. When it caught at last, I sat back and watched the blue smoke curling heavenward. "Take it God," I said. "I don't want to live with it anymore."

As I watched the smoke rising, I felt incredible release. I felt God's presence in a way that I never had before. Suddenly, I understood the pain he felt over my abuse, as well as the sorrow he felt over my refusal to give it to him. I felt comforted and completely at peace.

Romans 8:6 (NIV) tells us, The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Holding onto revenge will lead us to an early death, and perhaps even spiritual death. Letting go and giving our anger to God allows his Spirit to fill us with life-giving peace.

Letting go is just the beginning of forgiving.
Please note that this process did not yet involve my forgiving my mother. I am still working on that, and I'm sure it is going to take time. I merely let go of the anger, the vengeful thoughts, and the bitterness that had been consuming me most of my life.

When we let go of vengeful thinking and the anger that causes it, we find a new inner peace. Nothing changes for the person who has hurt us, because this process is something we do for ourselves. Down the road, there may be time for healing in our perpetrator's heart when he is ready for it. For now, we simply love ourselves enough to give our anger and vengeful thoughts to God.

Today's Challenge
Find some destructible objects that you can name with the vengeful thoughts and anger you feel toward someone who has hurt you. These might be twigs, balloons, clay pigeons, old china plates, and so on. You can name your revenge verbally or write your angry thoughts on your destructible objects. Find a way to destroy them that brings you physical release, such as stomping hard on balloons or hurling plates into a garbage can. Just make sure that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else in the process. When you are finished destroying all of your anger, tell God that it's his mess now. Spend a few minutes savoring the peace that follows. Write in your journal how you feel. This post is an excerpt from the book, The Road to Forgiveness: Removing the Roadblocks. To purchase your e-book version, please visit the author's Smashwords page.

Concealed Anger Leads to Revenge

We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. So far, we've identified ways to overcome anger, fear, trust, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt. This lesson focuses on why revenge prevents us from forgiving.

Is it normal to think about revenge?
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma, we often find ourselves thinking about revenge. We consider ourselves to be normal, decent people. So why do we lie awake at night, hatching up plots to get even with the person who hurt us do deeply?

Robert Bulwer-Lytton wrote, "Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge." This quote perfectly summarizes the source of our thoughts about revenge: unexpressed anger.

I wrote the biography of Charlie Osburn, a Christian evangelist, whose two children were molested by his next-door neighbor. For a long time, Charlie told me that he paced the floors at night, trying to figure out how to kill the man who had stolen his children's innocence.

As an abused spouse in my first marriage, I could never express my anger. As a result, I daydreamed about my husband crashing into a tree, driving over a cliff, or drowning. I once dreamed that I had murdered him, and my greatest concern was how I was going to keep the cops from finding the body that I had buried under the hardwood floor of our front entry.

When someone wounds us as deeply as sexual predators do, we all think of revenge. The longer the abuse continues, the more bizarre our daydreams and nightmares become. We know this is unhealthy and immoral, but we can't seem to stop the thoughts.

Vengeful thoughts may spill over as passive-aggressive acts.
If we are dreaming at night about seeking revenge, we may find ourselves acting out in unexpected ways during the day. Many sexual abuse survivors become passive-aggressive. In other words, people who seem to be meek (passive) lash out in surprising, but subtle ways. Often, their target is not their abuser.

One of my sons provided a classic example of passive aggression as he was growing up. He was angry with his father for criticizing him so harshly, but he did not feel safe in expressing himself. As a result, this usually sweet-mannered boy scribbled on brand-new carpeting with a permanent marker and chiseled the sides of his furniture with the sharp edges of toys.

When unexpressed anger carries over into adulthood, suvivors become passive-aggressive people who surprise us with their actions. Sadly, we are reading about more and more incidents of teens shooting others at their schools, of employees 'going postal,' and of drivers exhibiting road rage.

What does God want us to do with our vengeful thoughts?
The Bible tells us, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. (Romans 12:17-19 NIV)

We learned in a previous lesson that it is much better to allow our justice system to carry out any punishment that our perpetrators deserve. When we step back and allow room for God's wrath, we may discover that his punishment provides us with far more satisfaction than our own clumsy attempts at justice.

Tomorrow, we'll learn some simple techniques for working beyond our vengeful thoughts. For now, just recognize that these thoughts exist in the minds of most survivors, and understand that both revenge and passive-aggressive behavior begin with unexpressed anger.

Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and write down the names of people that you consider your enemies. Beside each name, write out why you are angry. Then, write down any vengeful action that you have thought about taking. Circle any action that you have actually carried out.

Overcoming Guilt is Prerequisite to Forgiveness

We learned yesterday that the guilt experienced by sexual abuse survivors stems from the shame we feel about our victimization. Today, we figure out how to give the guilt back to our perpetrators, overcome our embarrassment, and move forward in forgiving the person who hurt us.

There's a difference between guilt and shame.
Guilt is defined as the fact of being responsible for an offense or wrongdoing. Shame, on the other hand, is defined as a painful emotion that is caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.

If we assign full responsibility to our perpetrators for the guilt, then we can see that the shame we feel stems from our embarrassment, our feelings of unworthiness, and the disgrace caused by the sexual abuse.

Telling people about our sexual abuse makes everyone uncomfortable.
I can tell you from personal experience that talking about sexual abuse does cause tremendous discomfort...for ourselves and for others. However, I believe that shedding light on our shame is a lot like the treatment that doctors use on babies with jaundice (yellowing of the skin). If left in the dark, our shame leaves us with permanent emotional damage, just as a jaundiced baby is at risk of permanent brain damage without sunlight.

When Joe and I told our friends about what had happened to me and others within our family, many of our acquaintances responded with uncomfortable silence. But others, who had experienced similar problems, came alongside us to share their stories of survival.

Yes, some people will see us as broken, weird, or overly open about our pain. I can't tell you how to predict which way people will respond. But I can say that talking about childhood sexual abuse gets easier with each telling.

And the more we tell our story, the more we empower ourselves to move on with our lives. Remember, every time we hide our shame, we give away our power to our perpetrator. He is the one who should be carrying this burden of guilt. So, give it back to him, and the shame will resolve over time.

We fear that reporting family members who abused us will cause rifts.
Many sexual abuse victims do not report their perpetrators to the police, because they do not want to create inner-family turmoil. If you think about it, the family is already in turmoil if an adult is using children for his own sexual gratification. So why not report it?

Reporting creates many positive outcomes. First, it sheds light on the truth about the situation: our perpetrators are guilty of committing crimes, and we need to allow our criminal justice system to deal with the people who wronged us.

It is our job to learn how to feel like a whole person again, and we can't do that if we're carrying a big burden of guilt on our backs. We must give it back to the person who should be hauling it around.

Proverbs 18:5 (NIV) reminds us, It is not good to be partial to the wicked or to deprive the innocent of justice. By remaining silent, we are essentially providing a not-guilty verdict to our perpetrator. We take away the court system's ability to punish him, and we risk depriving other innocent victims of the justice that they deserve.

When I began telling my family members what had happened between my father and me, you can believe that there was plenty of turmoil. My siblings rushed to my parents' aid, offering swift opportunities for repentance and forgiveness. This, of course, blew up in their faces, as I predicted it would.

In time, my siblings came to understand my father's true nature and my mother's desperate attempts to conceal the truth. Today, my siblings stand behind me and every other family victim, determined to see justice carried out.

In the future, my relatives hope that my father will express his regrets for his actions, repent (completely turn around his life), provide restitution to his victims, and do whatever it takes to restore broken relationships. Time will tell whether or not my father is interested in making such monumental changes.

Child molesters are rarely the type of contrite people who buckle under pressure. Few of them ever admit to sexually abusing anyone. If they do, it generally doesn't happen until several victims step forward. When my father began to see that more than one victim was telling the truth, he confessed.

By speaking out, we empower the courts to bring about justice, and we empower other victims to find their voices. A woman told me recently that someone in her family reported their father's sexual abuse. By the time the criminal justice system was finished with their investigation of the case, 70 other victims had come forward.

We are frequently not alone as sole victims when it comes to childhood sexual abuse. We can empower ourselves and others by reporting the crime and letting go of the guilt that doesn't belong to us.

In summary, give back the guilt to your perpetrator. Then find someone trustworthy to talk to about your childhood sexual abuse. Doing so will ease your shame and remove the guilt--the fourth roadblock to your journey toward forgiveness. Tomorrow, we will continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.

Today's Challenge
Look up the definitions of the words guilt and shame in a dictionary. Try to sort out the difference between the two in relationship to the abuse you have experienced. Can you now see that you were not guilty?

In your journal, write down how you feel about the abuse you experienced. If you were too embarrassed to speak up, put that onto paper. If you were afraid that telling the truth would cause divisions in your family, write it down. Then, write down everything positive that could happen if you told the truth to someone that you trust. Write down the names of three people that you can tell. If you feel completely alone in this, write down my name and send me your anonymous comments.

Why Do I Feel So Guilty?

As survivors of incest or any other type of sexual abuse, we often feel guilty. There are generally four reasons for this:

1) We experienced pleasure during the abuse.
Most people who molest children do not terrorize their victims. On the contrary, they typically groom them for weeks or months to prepare them to be sexualized. They may give gifts or simply lavish them with affection. Children who are starved for attention often fall prey to the advances of pedophiles, because neglected little ones are so desperate for love.

After the abuse has occurred, most survivors feel extreme guilt, particularly if they felt a mixture of pain and pleasure. If they happened to experience pleasure during the act, the guilt becomes far worse than for children who may not have experienced orgasm.

One writer compared a child's sexual response to bleeding in response to injury. There is nothing anyone can do to stop either one from happening; yet many victims feel that they should have been able to prevent their bodies from experiencing the pleasure associated with sexual stimulation.

Whether our childhood sexual abuse was painful, pleasurable or both; we were not responsbile for it. Our perpetrators were completely to blame for their perverse acts. They are the ones who should be feeling guilty; not us.

2) We didn't tell anyone.
When children are molested by family members--particularly their fathers--they often do not tell anyone about what has happened. They don't want to hurt their family member's feelings or risk creating a family feud.

Unfortunately, when children keep childhood sexual abuse to themselves, their initial guilt eventually turns into shame. Their embarrassment over the event(s) keeps them in silence, often for the rest of their lives.

3) We feel responsible in some way.
We often carry around guilt, because we believe that we caused the sexual abuse. Perhaps we believe that we looked too enticing or allowed ourselves to be alone with someone who hurt us. We may also think that we allowed another victim after us to get hurt by our abuser as a result of our inability to speak up.

Many victims dissociate themselves from the event. In other words, they go someplace else mentally while their bodies and souls are experiencing devastation. In cases where this has occurred frequently, the survivor may have few, if any, memories of the abuse. If we couldn't remember the abuse (which is what happened in my case), then we couldn't prevent others from getting hurt by the same person. Not until we finally remember, can we speak out.

I really like the following quote by Patti Feuereisen, the author of Invisible Girls:

"If you are the victim of incest, please understand that your father didn't start molesting you because of anything you said or did. He did it because he is a sick person with a totally warped idea of right and wrong. He tried to pull you into his demented reality. He undoubtedly planned how to get into a sexual situation with you. It was not your fault. You had no choice. This goes for other types of sexual abuse, too."

4) We are angry.
Many of us ask why God didn't prevent the abuse. We feel rage when we think about our perpetrator. Our anger toward both him and God may make us feel guilty, because we know that it is wrong to remain so enraged.

Deuteronomy 16:9 (NIV) tells us, For the eys of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him...

God was there at the time of the abuse, and he sees the truth: our perpetrators are the only ones who are guilty of wrong-doing. At the same time, God's heart breaks for the shame that we feel.

Today's Challenge
If you believe that you are guilty in some way for causing your sexual abuse, please find a professional counselor who can help you talk about your feelings. No survivor deserves to live with this kind of guilt.

Develop Higher Self-Esteem

Yesterday, we learned that low self-esteem is frequently caused by childhood abuse, criticism, or brainwashing. If we were told that we're stupid, ugly, or bad often enough, we develop a false perception of ourselves. Today, we discover some simple steps to boost our self-esteem so that we can more easily forgive.

Consider the true origins of low self-esteem.
Most researchers of low self-esteem go back to classic psychology, claiming that a lack of nurturing at early stages hinders our sense of self. If we understand that our parents, teachers, siblings, and childhood friends failed to provide what we needed to become confident people, we must fill in the gaps now.

If there's a voice in your head telling you that you're fat, take time to listen. Is it your own voice speaking the truth, or is it your mother's or your friend's criticism that you're hearing? If the voice is telling you lies, tell it to be quiet, and start telling yourself more positive things with love.

Take care of your appearance.
When we allow our appearance to slip, we give a foothold to lower self-esteem. So take time today to get a haircut, buy a new outfit, put on make-up, or have a complete make-over. When we look sharp, we feel sharp.

Learn to accept compliments.
Most of us with low self-esteem dwell on the criticisms that we receive, instead of basking in the light of compliments. Instead of discounting the next compliment you receive, smile at the giver and thank them. Then take delight in knowing that you did something well.

Stop being a perfectionist.
There is a myth that people with low self-esteem believe: if our efforts are not 100% perfect, they're a complete failure. Harsh criticism in childhood or marriage can lead to this unhealthy way of looking at our lives.

We can give ourselves a break from perfectionism by looking at our undertakings and giving ourselves a less than perfect score. Honestly assess today a project you have finished, a meal you have prepared, or a conversation you have had with someone. Would you rate it 50%, 75% or 80% successful? Nothing we do is ever 100%, because Jesus is the only human who was ever perfect.

The Hopi Indians actually wove a mistake into their blankets on purpose. Doing so reminded them that there is only One who is perfect and kept them humble about their own enterprises.

Find a bigger purpose.
When we take the focus off of ourselves and the myth that we must be perfect, we can find something to do that serves others. When we embrace a challenge, and experience success at it, our self-esteem soars.

I began leading a quilting ministry at our church two years ago. No one, including me, knew how to make quilts; but we were willing to work at learning. About 20 people got together and were able to finish nearly two dozen quilts in one day! All of the quilts were given to the local hospital to comfort terminally ill patients.

Since that time, participants in this ministry report that they enjoy much higher self-esteem than they did when we first started. With each new challenge, they experience greater success. As a result, they feel good about themselves and are willing to take on ever more challenging projects.

Start writing positive affirmations about your successes.
Yesterday, we learned that generalized positive affirmations can actually make our self-esteem worse. These statements (I am pretty, I am smart, I am good) don't work, because our brain tells us that they're lies.

Positive affirmations can work if we write them after we have achieved success. For example, if the quilters in my group wrote before they learned any skills, "I am a skillful quilter," the voices in their heads would have been saying, "No, you're not!" Their brains could not accept the statement, because it was not true.

However, after the quilters did acquire some skills, they could write, "I can cut fabric strips accurately," and the voices in their heads would agree. Reading positive affirmations about what we already do with ease causes our self-esteem to rise.

Quit magnifying things that go wrong.
When we make a mistake, we must be careful that we don't globalize it to a larger area of our lives. For example, if one of the quilters sewed a piece of fabric wrong side up, a globalized thought would be, "I ruined this quilt, therefore, I'm a worthless volunteer."

A healthier perspective on this type of mistake would lead to a statement such as, "I sewed one piece of fabric the wrong way. I can rip out the seam and fix it. My volunteer efforts are appreciated."

Develop an alternative opinion of yourself.
It's pretty clear to me that the best way to increase self-esteem is to find ways to create personally meaningful experiences. For each person, this may be something unique. One may find success in volunteering, gardening, painting, or many other undertakings.

Out of our successes, we can take greater pride in ourselves. Each time we do something of which we are proud, we can enjoy increased self-confidence. And this greater confidence gives us the courage to try ever greater challenges. As this cycle continues, our self-esteem grows.

God's Word provides the secret to higher self-esteem.
The next time someone asks you to do something, and you feel ill-equipped to perform the task, remember this line from the Bible: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

When you feel your confidence slipping, turn to God's Word. There are many encouraging verses like this one which indicate that we can overcome low self-esteem by rising up to meet new challenges. By acting on faith (not really knowing the outcome), we allow God to equip us and bring about successes that foster greater confidence.

Today's Challenge
Look in the mirror and make an honest assessment of your appearace. Do you need a haircut? Could you stand to lose some weight? Are your clothes outdated? Choose one thing that you can change today, and take that first step toward improving your appearance so that your self-esteem has a chance to grow.

Causes and Characteristics of Low Self-Esteem

We've identified the first three roadblocks to forgiveness as anger, fear, and mistrust. Today, we will address the fourth obstacle to forgiving: low self-esteem.

Do you suffer from low self-esteem?
Take a look at the following list of behaviors that are characteristic of people with low self-esteem. Do you recognize any of them in yourself?

*social withdrawal
*anxiety
*lack of confidence
*depression
*eating disorders
*inability to accept compliments
*inability to accurately see our own attributes
*accentuating the negative
*imagining that others think little of us
*self-neglect
*worrying about treating others unfairly
*reluctance to take on challenges
*inability to set goals
*hesitant to trust our own opinion

How did we get such low self-esteem?
If these problems sound familiar to you, you are not alone. Most survivors of childhood sexual abuse have extremely low self-esteem. We were brainwashed through abuse and criticism into believing that we were dirty, worthless, or bad.

Low self-esteem feels awful.
All people ought to feel a sense of shame and remorse when they misbehave. The Holy Spirit convicts them of their errors, and their guilt brings them back into alignment with God. When God forgives them, their shame and remorse should subside.

For survivors of abuse, the conscience is in over-drive. We feel shame, guilt, and self-reproach all the time. These feelings are not related to something wrong that we have done.

Abuse causes PTSD, a precursor to low self-esteem.
Many of us suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which causes us to have a sense that we are damaged. PTSD is characterized by many symptoms, including: depression, anxiety, heightened startle responses, hypervigilance, and low self-esteem.

Severe PTSD can cause such low self-esteem that we cannot receive love.
Being kind to survivors of severe abuse can have the opposite of the intended effect. Love can drive them away.

We adopted eight-year-old twin girls from Ethiopia. Because they had experienced multiple traumas and abuse at an early age, they were incapable of accepting love. The more we tried to love them, the harder they tried to get away. Suicide attempts became their only hope, because our love felt to them as if we were holding their heads underwater. Letting go and placing them in a group home became the best way to express our love to them.

Positive affirmations will never erase low self-esteem.
For years, educators believed that positive affirmations would cause a person's low self-esteem to rise. School administrators supported programs to increase self-esteem, which they believed would stop kids from bullying and committing crimes.

Interestingly, recent research shows that using generalized positive affirmations (I am a good person, I am smart, I am pretty, etc) can actually worsen low self-esteem. The words ring hollow to us, and our brains step up the negative statements to counteract the positive ones.

Research has also proven that those who suffer from low self-esteem rarely become bullies or hurt others. We hurt ourselves.

God loves us.
Low self-esteem really stems from a lack of self-love. Our experiences with childhood abuse robbed us of the ability to see ourselves as loveable. Even though we can't see any reason to love ourselves, God can.

Take a look at www.biblegateway.com or in your Bible's concordance for the word love. There are more passages related to God's love for us than any other word. Here are just a few examples:

For great is your love toward me. (Psalm 86:13)
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever. (Psalm 100:5)
The earth is filled with your love. (Psalm 119:64)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

If we suffer from low self-esteem, we may find ourselves running from God's love, just as our adopted twins ran from us. If we can stop fleeing, we can experience the fullness of God's love and the love of our fellow human beings.

High self-esteem makes it easier for us to forgive.
According to research conducted in 2006 (Eaton, Struthers & Santelli), people with high self-esteem can forgive more easily than people with low self-esteem. Although generalized positive affirmations cannot boost our self-esteem so that we can forgive, there are some other simple techniques that can help us. Tomorrow, we will learn how some simple lifestyle changes can allow us to develop an alternative opinion of ourselves.

Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and make a list of the people or situations that make you feel ashamed or guilty. Are these feelings warranted because you did something wrong; or are they just a way of life for you?

Repair Trust

We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Yesterday, we learned that when trust is broken by childhood sexual abuse or early trauma, we may suffer from an inability to grow both psychologically and socially. Today, we learn how to repair trust so that it will not get in the way of forgiving others.

Has mistrust become a lifestyle for you?
Many of us who have survived abuse or trauma prefer not to trust anyone or anything, because it has become a lifestyle that is simply too hard to change. We don't deal with this issue well, because it requires a lot of courage to trust again. Instead, we engage in alternative habits to cover up our mistrust, including:

hyperactivity,
living a life filled with distractions,
drinking,
using illegal drugs,
overworking,
controlling others,
isolating ourselves,
distancing ourselves from others,
using anger to keep people at bay,
engaging in pornographic activities,
experimenting with illicit sexual activities,
overeating, or
gambling.

We can break these habits and learn to trust by following the three steps below.

First, trust God.
I believe that no amount of psychotherapy alone will ever help a person to fully trust again once they have been deeply hurt. Read that again. I did not say that psychotherapy is useless. I said that psychotherapy by itself is not the answer.

We must look to God to heal us as we work through this issue of mistrust. Unless we can learn to trust God, we will never truly trust our fellow humans.

There are countless Bible verses that address our need to trust in God. You can go to www.biblegateway.com and type in the word trust to find encouragement. Here are just a few reasons why you can trust God:

He takes care of us when our parents neglect or abuse us.
The helpless put their trust in you. You defend the orphans.
(Psalm 10:14)

God protects us from harm.
I trust in the Lord for protection. (Psalm 11:1)

Trusting God makes us feel like singing.
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. (Psalm 28:7)

God loves us, even while wicked people are hurting us.
Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord. (Psalm 32:10)

God never lies or deceives us as people sometimes do.
For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything he does. (Psalm 33:4)

God provides us with food and everything else we need that is good for us.
Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:10)

Psychologists tell us that it's a lot easier for us to exercise our free will than it is to experience our feelings. So even if you don't feel as if you can ever trust God, by willing yourself to trust his promises above, you can expect to see results.

Second, create distance from the people who continually hurt you.
If we are enmeshed in relationships with people who continually abuse us, there is no way that we can learn to trust. The trauma of abuse keeps re-programming our brains to mistrust, to fear, and to feel angry. Therefore, it is necessary to go to a safe place before we can trust again.

Even after we remove ourselves from an abusive situation, we may need a considerable amount of time before we can trust. I have been free from my first husband's abuse for thirteen years, and I am still working on trusting others.

Third, walk with a trustworthy friend.
After my divorce, I didn't trust anyone but myself. I made up my mind that I could handle whatever life threw at me. I decided that I didn't need God, a husband, or any other man.

For nearly a year, I didn't attend church. During that time, I made some of the worst decisions of my life. Without God, I eventually blundered into a really unhealthy relationship that proved to be the catalyst that set me back on track.

I was dating a guy, and we were seriously considering marriage. After spending a day together, we were saying good-bye in my driveway. He said that there were only two women in his life that he had ever truly loved. I waited, expecting him to name his mother and me. Instead, he named his first two wives.

In that instant, I knew that I was in deep trouble, because I had turned my back on God. I told the man not to bother coming to my house ever again, and I went inside. Beside my bed, I fell to my knees and admitted to Jesus that my life was a mess. I asked him to forgive me and to lead me.

When I finally trusted Christ, I felt like a little kid who had finally run into the arms of the one grown-up in the world who was safe. I felt that I could sob with relief on the Lord’s shoulder, because I did not have to try so hard anymore to shield myself from others or to take care of myself when others failed.

That was a turning point for me. Trusting God opened the doors to marvelous changes. He led me to a church, where I was embraced as an adult Bible study leader and handbell choir member. Through that faith family, I learned that if I wanted to have a man in my life, I needed to let God choose him. Within a year, I met Joe.

I didn't think I could ever trust anyone, especially not a man. But Joe Denton was different: he was like Jesus with skin on. Over time, I realized that no matter what I did, he would never stop loving me. I could make mistakes, and he wouldn't raise his voice, hit me, or leave me. Joe helped me to fully trust another human being for the first time in my life...at the age of forty.

Begin a new journey today by willing yourself to trust God first, setting yourself apart from abusive or toxic people, and finding a trustworthy friend to walk alongside you. Learning to trust is a key step on the journey to forgiving others.

Today's Challenge
Open your journal to the list of people whom you don't trust. If they are abusive or toxic, remove yourself from daily contact with them. Find some Bible verses online that encourage you to trust God. Write them in your journal. Then start praying for someone trustworthy to come alongside you.