We continue this week with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Today, we learn about God's mercy and how we can apply it in our journey to forgive our enemies.
Mercy is a form of God's goodness.
God's mercy is his way of expressing his goodness to people who are in misery or distress. We can think of God's overall goodness as the broad stroke of a brush; and mercy as more specific details directed to special places in the great painting of life.
Webster's defines mercy as: 1) compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or one subject to one's power; 2) a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion, or 3)compassionate treatment of those in distress.
The first definition, in my opinion, is more suitable when discussing God's grace. We will discuss that tomorrow. For now, we focus on mercy as God's way of expressing compassion to his people.
God shows compassion through divine acts of mercy.
Two blind men sought out Jesus, saying, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" (Matthew 9:27 NIV) Jesus felt compassion for them and restored their sight.
When my daughter was two years old, I was diagnosed with stage four cancer. I cried out to God for mercy, begging him to give me more time to raise my child. He was merciful and healed me of the cancer that should have taken my life in a short time.
God comforts us when we are in distress.
God has comforted his people since the beginning of time, and he still does so today. I once moved to a strange city with a brand-new baby. God sent a minister to visit me one day when I was feeling hopeless and lonely. When I have been confined to the hospital, God has sent volunteers to pray with me and read the Bible to me. When I was injured by a drunk driver last year, he sent church members to cook meals, clean my house, and visit with me.
When children experience sexual abuse or we suffer from an unexpected trauma, God provides us with comfort. In my case, God has erased many of the details from memory to protect me from the pain of knowing that my father was not my protector, but my molester. The Lord has sent many women with beautiful spirits into my life to provide the love and nurturing that my own mother never could. Perhaps if you look back over your own life, you can see instances when God was there to comfort you.
We can offer mercy to others because God is merciful to us.
I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of God's mercy. So, it's relatively easy for me to extend it to others. I lead a quilting ministry through our church, and we use this as our key Bible passage in all communications that accompany the quilts, which we give to terminally ill patients at local hospitals:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV)
God calls us to be merciful, even toward our enemies.
God expects all of us to extend mercy to others..,even our enemies. In Matthew 5:7 (NIV), Jesus said, "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." You may be wondering how on earth we are supposed to extend mercy to our perpetrators.
The way I look at it, the criminal justice system has done its work to punish my father for molesting my daughter. He is now in jail and will remain there for a number of years. It is not my responsibility to punish him, but to extend God's mercy to him.
At the very least, I can pray for my father's safety, asking God to have compassion on him as he struggles to adjust to living in the confines of a small space with other dangerous criminals. I wouldn't want to spend my twilight years sleeping on a thin, hard mattress or eating institutional food with armed guards hovering nearby. It breaks my heart to think of anyone living under such conditions, and most especially my own father.
Over time, the prison psychologist may invite members of the family to attend counseling sessions with my father. I would cooperate with the prison staff, provided they felt that my father was truly ready to begin working on restitution within the family.
Until then, I can send cards to encourage my father, magazine articles about God's love for him, and other long-distance messages aimed at helping him surrender his life to Christ. I would do this, not as a means of re-establishing a relationship with my father, but to extend God's mercy to him.
A word of caution
It's important to realize that there is an appropriate time and place for expressing mercy to abusers. If it is given without their first achieving a sense of genuine remorse, we could be setting ourselves up for further abuse. Please be mindful of your physical, emotional, and spiritual safety before offering mercy to violent, controlling, or abusive people. Get a qualified therapist to help you if you decide to move forward in this regard.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, list all of the ways that God has shown you mercy. Then, write down how you extend that mercy to others. List some ways that you can extend mercy to your enemy without endangering yourself.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Love One Another
As we continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, we are learning about God's moral attributes that he shares with us. These include: goodness, love, mercy, grace, patience, holiness, peace, justice, protection, and hate for sin. Yesterday, we learned about God's goodness. Today, we look into God's love.
God's love means that God gives eternally of himself to others.
We need to understand that God's love is always given for the benefit of others. It is part of his nature, and his love brings about blessings for others.
God's love existed before the world was created, it is here now, and it will continue into eternity. Jesus prayed to God, "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." (John 17:24 NIV)
God is himself love defined.
When we think of love, we usually come up with visions of roses, Valentine's Day cards, weddings, and other symbols of romantic feelings between men and women. This is a special type of love known in Greek as eros, which God designed for erotic attraction between the sexes.
There are two other types of love that we can find in Greek translations of the Bible. Agape is the highest and purest kind of love. It is divine love and is used to express the essential nature of God. Phileo is distinguished as brotherly love. This is seen in the naming of the city of Philadelphia, which means "the city of brotherly love."
Webster's Dictionary defines love as: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another, as (1) the fatherly concern of God for humankind (agape); (2) brotherly concern for others (phileo); and (3) a person's adoration of God (also phileo).
We can find a very simple definition of what it means to love in I John 4:7 (NIV): Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit love one another.
We know from references in Scripture that God the Father and God the Son love one another. Even though there are no specific verses indicating that they also love the Spirit, it is implied.
When Jesus was baptized in the Jordan, God's voice came from heaven to say, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." (Matthew 3:17 NIV) Jesus said to his disciples, "But the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me." (John 14:31 NIV)
This pure love between the Father, Son, and Spirit makes heaven a joyful place, because each person seeks to bring happiness to the other two. When we learn to love one another as the persons of the Trinity do, we find joy and happiness, too.
God always loves us, in spite of our sinful nature.
Unlike our romantic (eros) love that may come and go for others as we seek our mates, God's love is eternal and unconditional. In other words, he loves us forever, no matter how nicely or badly we behave.
The apostle Paul wrote, But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8 NIV) Paul also wrote, For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)
God commands us to love him and others, because it brings him joy.
We are commanded to love God first and foremost above all other people or things. In Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV) Jesus tells us, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
When we love our neighbors, it actually brings joy to God's heart. Isaiah told God's people, "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zeph. 3:17 NIV)
By imitating God's love, we can love other believers.
When we are filled with God's love, it enables us to love other believers. The apostle John wrote, "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (I John 4:11 NIV)
When we love others, the rest of the world recognizes us for this God-like attribute. Jesus explained this when he said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:3435 NIV)
God gives us his love to enable us to love our enemies.
If we want to forgive someone who has hurt us as deeply as abusers do, we must learn to tap into God's love. Without it, we will find it impossible to forgive.
Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." (Matthew 5:43-44 NIV)
Remember, loving our enemies as God loves us means that we feel loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. It can be extremely difficult for us, if not impossible, to feel any concern for a child molester. How can we pray for the good of someone who has stolen our innocence, our sense of trust in mankind, and our very souls?
The answer is that we can't love or forgive if we limit ourselves to the love we have as human beings...to phileo love. But when we tap into God's agape love, we can do the impossible. Yes, we can even find a way to love our enemies.
Learning to love takes time.
Loving an enemy is not an easy task, nor does it happen overnight. It is very difficult at this time for my family or me to feel loyal and benevolent concern for our mother's good. After she abused us all for fifty years and then refused to help anyone other than my father through the recent hearing for his criminal conduct, no one in the family feels called to reach out to her.
Sometimes, stepping back from our enemy doesn't feel like the most loving thing to do. But we have learned by experience that trying to help our mother usually comes back to sting us with further verbal abuse. At this point, we believe it is safest for us to pray for her from a distance, with the hope that she will eventually experience God's love as we do and learn how to express it to others.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down the differences between the love you feel for God, for your spouse, and for your neighbors. Think about your enemy and write down how much love you feel for him. Ask God to fill you with his pure love so that you can eventually find the brotherly love you need to forgive.
God's love means that God gives eternally of himself to others.
We need to understand that God's love is always given for the benefit of others. It is part of his nature, and his love brings about blessings for others.
God's love existed before the world was created, it is here now, and it will continue into eternity. Jesus prayed to God, "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." (John 17:24 NIV)
God is himself love defined.
When we think of love, we usually come up with visions of roses, Valentine's Day cards, weddings, and other symbols of romantic feelings between men and women. This is a special type of love known in Greek as eros, which God designed for erotic attraction between the sexes.
There are two other types of love that we can find in Greek translations of the Bible. Agape is the highest and purest kind of love. It is divine love and is used to express the essential nature of God. Phileo is distinguished as brotherly love. This is seen in the naming of the city of Philadelphia, which means "the city of brotherly love."
Webster's Dictionary defines love as: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another, as (1) the fatherly concern of God for humankind (agape); (2) brotherly concern for others (phileo); and (3) a person's adoration of God (also phileo).
We can find a very simple definition of what it means to love in I John 4:7 (NIV): Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit love one another.
We know from references in Scripture that God the Father and God the Son love one another. Even though there are no specific verses indicating that they also love the Spirit, it is implied.
When Jesus was baptized in the Jordan, God's voice came from heaven to say, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." (Matthew 3:17 NIV) Jesus said to his disciples, "But the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me." (John 14:31 NIV)
This pure love between the Father, Son, and Spirit makes heaven a joyful place, because each person seeks to bring happiness to the other two. When we learn to love one another as the persons of the Trinity do, we find joy and happiness, too.
God always loves us, in spite of our sinful nature.
Unlike our romantic (eros) love that may come and go for others as we seek our mates, God's love is eternal and unconditional. In other words, he loves us forever, no matter how nicely or badly we behave.
The apostle Paul wrote, But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8 NIV) Paul also wrote, For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)
God commands us to love him and others, because it brings him joy.
We are commanded to love God first and foremost above all other people or things. In Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV) Jesus tells us, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
When we love our neighbors, it actually brings joy to God's heart. Isaiah told God's people, "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zeph. 3:17 NIV)
By imitating God's love, we can love other believers.
When we are filled with God's love, it enables us to love other believers. The apostle John wrote, "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (I John 4:11 NIV)
When we love others, the rest of the world recognizes us for this God-like attribute. Jesus explained this when he said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:3435 NIV)
God gives us his love to enable us to love our enemies.
If we want to forgive someone who has hurt us as deeply as abusers do, we must learn to tap into God's love. Without it, we will find it impossible to forgive.
Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." (Matthew 5:43-44 NIV)
Remember, loving our enemies as God loves us means that we feel loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. It can be extremely difficult for us, if not impossible, to feel any concern for a child molester. How can we pray for the good of someone who has stolen our innocence, our sense of trust in mankind, and our very souls?
The answer is that we can't love or forgive if we limit ourselves to the love we have as human beings...to phileo love. But when we tap into God's agape love, we can do the impossible. Yes, we can even find a way to love our enemies.
Learning to love takes time.
Loving an enemy is not an easy task, nor does it happen overnight. It is very difficult at this time for my family or me to feel loyal and benevolent concern for our mother's good. After she abused us all for fifty years and then refused to help anyone other than my father through the recent hearing for his criminal conduct, no one in the family feels called to reach out to her.
Sometimes, stepping back from our enemy doesn't feel like the most loving thing to do. But we have learned by experience that trying to help our mother usually comes back to sting us with further verbal abuse. At this point, we believe it is safest for us to pray for her from a distance, with the hope that she will eventually experience God's love as we do and learn how to express it to others.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down the differences between the love you feel for God, for your spouse, and for your neighbors. Think about your enemy and write down how much love you feel for him. Ask God to fill you with his pure love so that you can eventually find the brotherly love you need to forgive.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Practice Random Acts of Righteousness
Yesterday, we learned that righteousness means that we follow a moral code or law to keep ourselves from sin. God is himself the perfect standard for righteousness, and everything he does is right. If we want to forgive others, we must begin with an understanding of what righteous acts look like. Today, we continue with our study of righteousness in our quest to forgive people who have deeply hurt us.
If God is righteousness, we must first understand God's attributes.
God exhibits ten moral attributes that we should seek for ourselves if we want to become righteous. These moral attributes include:
1) goodness,
2) love,
3) mercy,
4) grace,
5) patience,
6) holiness,
7) peace,
8) justice,
9) protection, and
10) intense hate for all sin.
These are really big concepts, so we're going to tackle one per day.
How does the Bible define goodness?
Goodness means that God is the final standard, and all that he does is good. Good is something that God approves. When we do things that are good, we find delight in them, because God delights in them, too.
God is himself goodness defined.
We can find many passages in the Bible which indicate that God is good. For example, Jesus said, "No one is good--except God alone." (Luke 18:19 NIV) The psalmist wrote, Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. (Psalm 106:1 NIV) And King David wrote, Taste and see that the LORD is good..."(Psalm 34:8 NIV)
Everything that God does is worthy of his approval.
Whatever God does is so good, it is worthy of his complete approval. For example, when God created the world, he stood back and sighed with satisfaction. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day. (Gen. 1:31 NIV)
We must be careful to make the distinction here that God's works are not worthy of our approval, but only of God's. Therefore, he is the final standard of goodness.
God has given us the ability to reflect upon his goodness so that we can evaluate things in the way that he wants us to. We can learn to approve what God approves and take delight in whatever delights him.
God is the source of all good in the world.
If anything is truly good, it comes from God. James wrote, Every good an perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17 NIV)
Sometimes, we can be deceived into believing that something evil is good. As children who suffered from sexual abuse, we may have been told that our perpetrator's sick need for sexual gratification at our expense was something good. We may have been told that we were good while we were being molested.
It is important to remember that whatever is truly good comes from God. If we are engaging in behaviors that are immoral or wrong, they cannot be labeled good. The only way to learn how to distinguish what is truly good and what is evil is to study God's Word.
I wrote in earlier posts that I had found Healing Touch to be something good for pain relief and spiritual enlightenment. But as I read more of God's Word, I discovered that the people teaching Healing Touch were doing something evil and labeling it good. Their practices began in witchcraft and other religions that are in direct opposition to the Christian faith. The only way I came to this understanding was through a thorough understanding of God's righteousness that I found in the Bible.
The apostle Paul said, "Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by contant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." (Hebrews 5:13-14 NIV) Through a study of God's goodness, we can grow into mature Christians who can stand up to people who tempt us to do evil things and call them good.
God only does good things for his children.
Unlike our earthly fathers, God only does good things for us. We can find assurance in Romans 8:28 (NIV) that God wants to do good for us: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.
This does not mean that the minute we become Christians, all bad things will cease in our lives. There will still be times when we encounter evil, but we will better understand that even when bad things happen, God will do something to bring good from it.
To clarify this for you, God did not desire for me to be sexually abused. However, he has shown me how he plans to use my experience for good. My pain has led me to help others who share similar experiences. All over the world, people are finding comfort in the words that I share with them.
As another example, my study of Healing Touch brought me a lot of spiritual pain. I felt tremendous embarrassment over the fact that I had been duped into believing that something evil was good. However, as soon as I figured out my error, God put the wheels in motion to turn that bad experience into something good.
My minister thanked me for sharing the truth about healing touch with him; he had been looking for answers about alternative medicine for an upcoming sermon series. A fellow believer thanked me for the information, because it gave her the ammunition she needed to say no to someone who wanted her to get involved in Reiki, another type of healing which is not based in Christianity.
We should imitate God's goodness.
Whenever we can, we should do good. The apostle Paul wrote, "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Gal. 6:10 NIV) If it is unclear to us how to be good, we must learn that God is the one we should imitate.
God's #1 goal is for us to become more like Christ each day.
I wrote in previous blogs about developing goals for ourselves. I am learning that it is okay to have goals, provided that they help us to become more like Christ each day. When I discovered that Healing Touch was not pleasing to God, I ended all involvement in the program.
If you've been working on goals, look back over them and ask yourself, "Will this goal help me to become more like Christ each day?" If the answer is no, revise the goal or eliminate it.
You can also ask, "Does this goal reflect God's goodness, and will it develop in me the characteristic of goodness?" Sometimes, it is difficult to see the difference between a goal that makes us feel good and a goal that makes us good.
Getting even with our perpetrator through vengeful actions may make us feel good, but they will never make us good. Using alcohol, drugs, overwork, shopping, or other addictions may make us feel good temporarily, but they will never make us good in the way that God wants us to be.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how you see God's goodness in your life. Is there anything that you are doing that feels good, but is really evil? If you are trapped in a habit that is not good, find an accountability partner or counselor to help you find your way out of it. Imitating God's goodness must come before we can learn how to forgive.
If God is righteousness, we must first understand God's attributes.
God exhibits ten moral attributes that we should seek for ourselves if we want to become righteous. These moral attributes include:
1) goodness,
2) love,
3) mercy,
4) grace,
5) patience,
6) holiness,
7) peace,
8) justice,
9) protection, and
10) intense hate for all sin.
These are really big concepts, so we're going to tackle one per day.
How does the Bible define goodness?
Goodness means that God is the final standard, and all that he does is good. Good is something that God approves. When we do things that are good, we find delight in them, because God delights in them, too.
God is himself goodness defined.
We can find many passages in the Bible which indicate that God is good. For example, Jesus said, "No one is good--except God alone." (Luke 18:19 NIV) The psalmist wrote, Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. (Psalm 106:1 NIV) And King David wrote, Taste and see that the LORD is good..."(Psalm 34:8 NIV)
Everything that God does is worthy of his approval.
Whatever God does is so good, it is worthy of his complete approval. For example, when God created the world, he stood back and sighed with satisfaction. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day. (Gen. 1:31 NIV)
We must be careful to make the distinction here that God's works are not worthy of our approval, but only of God's. Therefore, he is the final standard of goodness.
God has given us the ability to reflect upon his goodness so that we can evaluate things in the way that he wants us to. We can learn to approve what God approves and take delight in whatever delights him.
God is the source of all good in the world.
If anything is truly good, it comes from God. James wrote, Every good an perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17 NIV)
Sometimes, we can be deceived into believing that something evil is good. As children who suffered from sexual abuse, we may have been told that our perpetrator's sick need for sexual gratification at our expense was something good. We may have been told that we were good while we were being molested.
It is important to remember that whatever is truly good comes from God. If we are engaging in behaviors that are immoral or wrong, they cannot be labeled good. The only way to learn how to distinguish what is truly good and what is evil is to study God's Word.
I wrote in earlier posts that I had found Healing Touch to be something good for pain relief and spiritual enlightenment. But as I read more of God's Word, I discovered that the people teaching Healing Touch were doing something evil and labeling it good. Their practices began in witchcraft and other religions that are in direct opposition to the Christian faith. The only way I came to this understanding was through a thorough understanding of God's righteousness that I found in the Bible.
The apostle Paul said, "Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by contant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." (Hebrews 5:13-14 NIV) Through a study of God's goodness, we can grow into mature Christians who can stand up to people who tempt us to do evil things and call them good.
God only does good things for his children.
Unlike our earthly fathers, God only does good things for us. We can find assurance in Romans 8:28 (NIV) that God wants to do good for us: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.
This does not mean that the minute we become Christians, all bad things will cease in our lives. There will still be times when we encounter evil, but we will better understand that even when bad things happen, God will do something to bring good from it.
To clarify this for you, God did not desire for me to be sexually abused. However, he has shown me how he plans to use my experience for good. My pain has led me to help others who share similar experiences. All over the world, people are finding comfort in the words that I share with them.
As another example, my study of Healing Touch brought me a lot of spiritual pain. I felt tremendous embarrassment over the fact that I had been duped into believing that something evil was good. However, as soon as I figured out my error, God put the wheels in motion to turn that bad experience into something good.
My minister thanked me for sharing the truth about healing touch with him; he had been looking for answers about alternative medicine for an upcoming sermon series. A fellow believer thanked me for the information, because it gave her the ammunition she needed to say no to someone who wanted her to get involved in Reiki, another type of healing which is not based in Christianity.
We should imitate God's goodness.
Whenever we can, we should do good. The apostle Paul wrote, "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Gal. 6:10 NIV) If it is unclear to us how to be good, we must learn that God is the one we should imitate.
God's #1 goal is for us to become more like Christ each day.
I wrote in previous blogs about developing goals for ourselves. I am learning that it is okay to have goals, provided that they help us to become more like Christ each day. When I discovered that Healing Touch was not pleasing to God, I ended all involvement in the program.
If you've been working on goals, look back over them and ask yourself, "Will this goal help me to become more like Christ each day?" If the answer is no, revise the goal or eliminate it.
You can also ask, "Does this goal reflect God's goodness, and will it develop in me the characteristic of goodness?" Sometimes, it is difficult to see the difference between a goal that makes us feel good and a goal that makes us good.
Getting even with our perpetrator through vengeful actions may make us feel good, but they will never make us good. Using alcohol, drugs, overwork, shopping, or other addictions may make us feel good temporarily, but they will never make us good in the way that God wants us to be.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how you see God's goodness in your life. Is there anything that you are doing that feels good, but is really evil? If you are trapped in a habit that is not good, find an accountability partner or counselor to help you find your way out of it. Imitating God's goodness must come before we can learn how to forgive.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Recognize Righteousness
Today, we move into the second part of our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. During Part One, we learned that anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression stand as roadblocks to forigiving.
In Part Two, I will present a ten-step process for achieving the ability to forgive. Today and tomorrow, we will learn how to recognize what it means to be righteous. Because if we are going to forgive, we must learn to recognize how God sees our perpetrators and how he sees us as survivors of criminal acts who need to forgive.
Webster's Dictionary defines the word righteous.
Webster defines righteous as
1: acting in accord with divine or moral law; free from guilt or sin; and
2: morally right or justifiable; arising from an outraged sense of justice or morality.
In other words, to be righteous means that we behave within the confines of a set of laws. We strive to remain free from guilt or sin. And we feel righteous anger when someone breaks those laws.
In order to understand what it means for us to be righteous, we must look at righteousness as an attribute of God's character. If we look to the Bible, we will discover that God is righteousness defined, he always acts in accordance with what is right, and he commands us to do what is right.
How does the Bible define righteous behavior?
The Bible tells us that God himself is the final standard of what is right. God says of himself, "I, the LORD speak the truth, I declare what is right." (Isaiah 45:19 NIV) No one, other than God, is perfectly righteous and completely free from sin.
God always acts in accordance with what is right. Moses said of God, He is the Rock, his works are perfect, all all his ways are just.A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. (Deut. 32:4 NIV)
God commands us to do what is right, and he promises blessings for those who obey him: The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. (Psalm 19:8 NIV) Therefore, whatever human behavior conforms to God's moral character is righteous.
Righteousness and punishment go hand in hand.
In order for God to remain righteous, he must punish sin. Without punishment, God could not be right, and there would be no ultimate justice in the world. When he punishes sin, God is proving to all that he is the ultimate, righteous judge over all things.
I have a new puppy. In order for me to teach her how to be righteous, I must offer rewards for good behavior, as well as punishments for bad behavior. If I praised her for both heeling on a leash and for peeing on my rug, she would never understand the difference between right and wrong. And if all I did was shout at her for every move she made, she would become very confused. We are very much like puppies, needing clear messages from God about the difference between righteousness and sin.
What if we don't believe in God or his righteousness?
We are creatures made by God. We have no right to say that God is unrighteous or unjust. The apostle Paul wrote,
But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purpose and some for common use? (Romans 9:20-21 NIV)
What if we don't believe that God has the right to punish sinners?
If we ever find ourselves in a position of questioning God's authority regarding justice, we can look to Job. When Job questioned God's authority to punish man, he got answers such as these from God:
Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place? (Job 38:12 NIV) Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? (Job 38:35 NIV)
In reply, Job said to God, "I am unworthy--how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth." (Job 40:4 NIV) Like Job, we must recognize that God sets the gold standard for righteousness, and we must accept whatever punishment he deems appropriate for those who sin.
Jesus turns God's wrath into favor for us.
People could call God unrighteous if he did not punish sin. Because a God who does not punish sin is not a righteous God. Therefore, when God sent Jesus to die in our place for our sins, he showed that he could store up past, present and future sins and give them to Jesus on the cross. As a result of Christ's death, believers enjoy God's favor, not his wrath.
Romans 3:21-26 (NIV) clarifies the concept of God's righteousness for us:
But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify: This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished--he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
Every single person has sinned, and no one deserves God's favor. However, God offers us a free gift of eternal life if we believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus as his Son. For people who believe in Jesus, who repent of their sins, and who surrender control of all things to him; there is hope.If we have faith in Christ, Jesus can stand in our place to take our punishment for us. God sent Jesus to prove that he has the right to judge, to punish, and to forgive.
Where do you stand?
If we believe that God's Word is true and that he is the ultimate judge of all things, then we can move forward in our quest to forgive. On the other hand, if we question God's existence, his righteousness, the truth of his Word, or his right to judge; we may find it impossible to forgive.
Without God, we may hold onto those roadblocks to forgiveness, such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred. We may see ourselves in the roles as judge, jury, and executioner, rather than merely in the role of forgiver.
Tomorrow, we will look more closely at what the Bible has to say about righteous acts. For now, we simply need to accept that God is righteous, and he is the only one who has the right to give punishment, withhold it, or send a substitute for it.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down what you believe about God's righteousness and his role in judging sinners. Do you see God as:
1) a deity of nothing but love who never punishes anyone,
2) a deity of nothing but wrath who has it in for us,
3) a deity who is a combination of love and justice, or
4) a distant deity who doesn't care what happens to us?
In Part Two, I will present a ten-step process for achieving the ability to forgive. Today and tomorrow, we will learn how to recognize what it means to be righteous. Because if we are going to forgive, we must learn to recognize how God sees our perpetrators and how he sees us as survivors of criminal acts who need to forgive.
Webster's Dictionary defines the word righteous.
Webster defines righteous as
1: acting in accord with divine or moral law; free from guilt or sin; and
2: morally right or justifiable; arising from an outraged sense of justice or morality.
In other words, to be righteous means that we behave within the confines of a set of laws. We strive to remain free from guilt or sin. And we feel righteous anger when someone breaks those laws.
In order to understand what it means for us to be righteous, we must look at righteousness as an attribute of God's character. If we look to the Bible, we will discover that God is righteousness defined, he always acts in accordance with what is right, and he commands us to do what is right.
How does the Bible define righteous behavior?
The Bible tells us that God himself is the final standard of what is right. God says of himself, "I, the LORD speak the truth, I declare what is right." (Isaiah 45:19 NIV) No one, other than God, is perfectly righteous and completely free from sin.
God always acts in accordance with what is right. Moses said of God, He is the Rock, his works are perfect, all all his ways are just.A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. (Deut. 32:4 NIV)
God commands us to do what is right, and he promises blessings for those who obey him: The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. (Psalm 19:8 NIV) Therefore, whatever human behavior conforms to God's moral character is righteous.
Righteousness and punishment go hand in hand.
In order for God to remain righteous, he must punish sin. Without punishment, God could not be right, and there would be no ultimate justice in the world. When he punishes sin, God is proving to all that he is the ultimate, righteous judge over all things.
I have a new puppy. In order for me to teach her how to be righteous, I must offer rewards for good behavior, as well as punishments for bad behavior. If I praised her for both heeling on a leash and for peeing on my rug, she would never understand the difference between right and wrong. And if all I did was shout at her for every move she made, she would become very confused. We are very much like puppies, needing clear messages from God about the difference between righteousness and sin.
What if we don't believe in God or his righteousness?
We are creatures made by God. We have no right to say that God is unrighteous or unjust. The apostle Paul wrote,
But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purpose and some for common use? (Romans 9:20-21 NIV)
What if we don't believe that God has the right to punish sinners?
If we ever find ourselves in a position of questioning God's authority regarding justice, we can look to Job. When Job questioned God's authority to punish man, he got answers such as these from God:
Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place? (Job 38:12 NIV) Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? (Job 38:35 NIV)
In reply, Job said to God, "I am unworthy--how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth." (Job 40:4 NIV) Like Job, we must recognize that God sets the gold standard for righteousness, and we must accept whatever punishment he deems appropriate for those who sin.
Jesus turns God's wrath into favor for us.
People could call God unrighteous if he did not punish sin. Because a God who does not punish sin is not a righteous God. Therefore, when God sent Jesus to die in our place for our sins, he showed that he could store up past, present and future sins and give them to Jesus on the cross. As a result of Christ's death, believers enjoy God's favor, not his wrath.
Romans 3:21-26 (NIV) clarifies the concept of God's righteousness for us:
But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify: This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished--he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
Every single person has sinned, and no one deserves God's favor. However, God offers us a free gift of eternal life if we believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus as his Son. For people who believe in Jesus, who repent of their sins, and who surrender control of all things to him; there is hope.If we have faith in Christ, Jesus can stand in our place to take our punishment for us. God sent Jesus to prove that he has the right to judge, to punish, and to forgive.
Where do you stand?
If we believe that God's Word is true and that he is the ultimate judge of all things, then we can move forward in our quest to forgive. On the other hand, if we question God's existence, his righteousness, the truth of his Word, or his right to judge; we may find it impossible to forgive.
Without God, we may hold onto those roadblocks to forgiveness, such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred. We may see ourselves in the roles as judge, jury, and executioner, rather than merely in the role of forgiver.
Tomorrow, we will look more closely at what the Bible has to say about righteous acts. For now, we simply need to accept that God is righteous, and he is the only one who has the right to give punishment, withhold it, or send a substitute for it.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down what you believe about God's righteousness and his role in judging sinners. Do you see God as:
1) a deity of nothing but love who never punishes anyone,
2) a deity of nothing but wrath who has it in for us,
3) a deity who is a combination of love and justice, or
4) a distant deity who doesn't care what happens to us?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Use Forgiveness to Overcome Depression
Yesterday, we learned that unforgiveness can lead to depression. When we harbor negative thoughts toward our perpetrators or ourselves, we create a 'leak' in our brain's serotonin supply--the feel-good chemical that helps us to feel happy. Today, we learn about what forgiveness is and what it is not.
Forgiveness is...
Many victims of abuse withhold forgiveness, because they fear that letting go of their anger will cause the abuse to return. If we want to get better, we must realize that trying to forgive allows us:
-to let go of our old hurts,
-to make the decision to move forward,
-to release the negative emotions directed at our perpetrator, and
-to take back our personal power.
Forgiveness is not...
When victims realize that fogiveness does not require the following, they begin to loosen their grip on their bitterness. Forgiveness is not:
-condoning what happened,
-inviting our perpetrator back into our life,
-being friendly with our perpetrator,
-forgetting what happened, or
-ignoring the hurt and hoping it goes away.
We can do the impossible with God's help.
I understand that telling a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to just let go of the hurt may seem simplistic. Making the decision to move forward may feel impossible or overwhelming. Reclaiming any level of personal power may seem laughable.
Remember Ephesians 4:13 (NIV) when you feel that you will be stuck with depression for the rest of your life: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. We may not have the power to change how we feel about our perpetrator. But God can use his power to work incredible changes within us.
Begin with prayer.
At this point, we must begin with prayer. Your prayer might go something like this:
God, help me to let go of my need to control this situation with my abuser. I feel angry and guilty all at the same time. I don't know how to forgive him, but I'm asking you to help me take the first step. I want to move forward with my life and reclaim the personal power that he took from me. I trust you to help me through this. Amen.
Looking ahead.
Beginning Monday, we will work through ten steps for arriving at complete forgiveness. For now, all you have to do is be willing to try this process of forgiving.
Today's Challenge
Review the nine roadblocks to forgiveness that we have identified over the past few weeks: anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. If you're stuck behind one of them, ask a counselor or trusted friend to help you move forward.
Forgiveness is...
Many victims of abuse withhold forgiveness, because they fear that letting go of their anger will cause the abuse to return. If we want to get better, we must realize that trying to forgive allows us:
-to let go of our old hurts,
-to make the decision to move forward,
-to release the negative emotions directed at our perpetrator, and
-to take back our personal power.
Forgiveness is not...
When victims realize that fogiveness does not require the following, they begin to loosen their grip on their bitterness. Forgiveness is not:
-condoning what happened,
-inviting our perpetrator back into our life,
-being friendly with our perpetrator,
-forgetting what happened, or
-ignoring the hurt and hoping it goes away.
We can do the impossible with God's help.
I understand that telling a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to just let go of the hurt may seem simplistic. Making the decision to move forward may feel impossible or overwhelming. Reclaiming any level of personal power may seem laughable.
Remember Ephesians 4:13 (NIV) when you feel that you will be stuck with depression for the rest of your life: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. We may not have the power to change how we feel about our perpetrator. But God can use his power to work incredible changes within us.
Begin with prayer.
At this point, we must begin with prayer. Your prayer might go something like this:
God, help me to let go of my need to control this situation with my abuser. I feel angry and guilty all at the same time. I don't know how to forgive him, but I'm asking you to help me take the first step. I want to move forward with my life and reclaim the personal power that he took from me. I trust you to help me through this. Amen.
Looking ahead.
Beginning Monday, we will work through ten steps for arriving at complete forgiveness. For now, all you have to do is be willing to try this process of forgiving.
Today's Challenge
Review the nine roadblocks to forgiveness that we have identified over the past few weeks: anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. If you're stuck behind one of them, ask a counselor or trusted friend to help you move forward.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Unforgiveness Can Cause Depression
Today, we learn about the ninth, and final, obstacle to forgiveness: depression. This concept is part of my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.
What is depression?
From a clinical perspective, depression often occurs when the brain cannot hold onto serotonin, the feel-good chemical that our bodies naturally produce. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are drugs that were designed to block this 'leaking' of serotonin from our brains.
From an internal perspective, depression is a turning away from the outside world and closing down to everything other than self. I've suffered from depression, and I know how it feels to be so emotionally isolated that nothing seems worth doing anymore. There have been times when I didn't want to eat, sleep, play, or even breathe anymore. I saw myself as a worthless creature, taking up space on a planet where I had become obsolete.
Depression and anxiety surface when we suppress anger.
People who have been emotionally abused usually suffer from depression and anxiety long after they end unhealthy relationships. Many researchers believe that depression and anxiety surface as a result of suppressed anger toward our abusers.
Dr. Paul Meier wrote, "A majority of anxiety disorders involve fear of becoming aware of our unconscious repressed anger toward our abusers or toward ourselves."
Dr. Robert Puff says that depression results from offering quick or false forgiveness to our perpetrators. The result is worse than no forgiveness, because what surfaces is anger. And when we become angry, we feel guilty. To erase our anger and guilt, we engage in unhealthy behaviors aimed at making it all go away, such as: overworking, overeating, drinking, taking drugs, or engaging in other addictive activities.
Why is depression so difficult to overcome?
In many cases of abuse, we can see that depression is merely a cover-up for suppressed anger and guilt. When we are depressed, we dwell on negative thoughts about ourselves or our perpetrators. In turn, those negative thoughts cause further depression. It becomes a downward spiral which we often feel is uncontrollable.
Dr. Meier asserts that unforgiveness drains our brains of the serotonin that we need to feel happy. He claims that many of his patients have quickly overcome their depression through the use of short-term anti-depressant treatment combined with psychotherapy directed at learning to forgive.
I believe that there must be some truth in this assertion, because the depression that has consumed me for most of my life has been slowly dissipating over the past year. I am not taking anti-depressants, nor am I involved in regular psychotherapy sessions. However, I have been studying about and praying about forgiveness on a daily basis. The closer I come to forgiving, the happier I feel.
I would like to say that not all depression is caused by problems with forgiveness. However, I believe that unforgiveness can certainly play a role in preventing us from getting well.
Tomorrow we will learn how to use forgiveness to combat depression. For now, please bear in mind the words of God's prophet, Jeremiah, regarding our role and God's role in forgiveness. Jeremiah said, But you, LORD Almighty, who judge righteously and test the heart and mind, let me see your vengeance on them, for to you I have committed my cause. (Jeremiah 11:20 NIV)
Today's Challenge
Go to http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm. Take the quiz to determine whether or not you are suffering from depression. Tomorrow, we will learn how forgiving can help us to overcome the symptoms of depression.
What is depression?
From a clinical perspective, depression often occurs when the brain cannot hold onto serotonin, the feel-good chemical that our bodies naturally produce. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are drugs that were designed to block this 'leaking' of serotonin from our brains.
From an internal perspective, depression is a turning away from the outside world and closing down to everything other than self. I've suffered from depression, and I know how it feels to be so emotionally isolated that nothing seems worth doing anymore. There have been times when I didn't want to eat, sleep, play, or even breathe anymore. I saw myself as a worthless creature, taking up space on a planet where I had become obsolete.
Depression and anxiety surface when we suppress anger.
People who have been emotionally abused usually suffer from depression and anxiety long after they end unhealthy relationships. Many researchers believe that depression and anxiety surface as a result of suppressed anger toward our abusers.
Dr. Paul Meier wrote, "A majority of anxiety disorders involve fear of becoming aware of our unconscious repressed anger toward our abusers or toward ourselves."
Dr. Robert Puff says that depression results from offering quick or false forgiveness to our perpetrators. The result is worse than no forgiveness, because what surfaces is anger. And when we become angry, we feel guilty. To erase our anger and guilt, we engage in unhealthy behaviors aimed at making it all go away, such as: overworking, overeating, drinking, taking drugs, or engaging in other addictive activities.
Why is depression so difficult to overcome?
In many cases of abuse, we can see that depression is merely a cover-up for suppressed anger and guilt. When we are depressed, we dwell on negative thoughts about ourselves or our perpetrators. In turn, those negative thoughts cause further depression. It becomes a downward spiral which we often feel is uncontrollable.
Dr. Meier asserts that unforgiveness drains our brains of the serotonin that we need to feel happy. He claims that many of his patients have quickly overcome their depression through the use of short-term anti-depressant treatment combined with psychotherapy directed at learning to forgive.
I believe that there must be some truth in this assertion, because the depression that has consumed me for most of my life has been slowly dissipating over the past year. I am not taking anti-depressants, nor am I involved in regular psychotherapy sessions. However, I have been studying about and praying about forgiveness on a daily basis. The closer I come to forgiving, the happier I feel.
I would like to say that not all depression is caused by problems with forgiveness. However, I believe that unforgiveness can certainly play a role in preventing us from getting well.
Tomorrow we will learn how to use forgiveness to combat depression. For now, please bear in mind the words of God's prophet, Jeremiah, regarding our role and God's role in forgiveness. Jeremiah said, But you, LORD Almighty, who judge righteously and test the heart and mind, let me see your vengeance on them, for to you I have committed my cause. (Jeremiah 11:20 NIV)
Today's Challenge
Go to http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm. Take the quiz to determine whether or not you are suffering from depression. Tomorrow, we will learn how forgiving can help us to overcome the symptoms of depression.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner
Today, we are scheduled to learn about how hatred prevents us from forgiving as we continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Recent events in my life have really helped me to put into practice an important concept: we can hate the sin that someone carries out to hurt us, but we must still love the sinner.
Matthew 5:43-44 (NIV) reads, "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." This is a very difficult thing to do, and we may not be able to love our enemies as much as God does. But, we must try.
Our family had an opportunity to learn more about this concept yesterday, because we went to court for my father's sentencing in the case of his molesting my daughter. As a family, ten of us felt very united when we went into the courtroom. We had spent the day before together, talking about the upcoming court appearance and praying for God to use it for everyone's good.
Confrontation is never easy.
On the way to the courthouse, my stomach began churning. When we pulled into the parking lot, I felt as if I might vomit. My hands became clammy, and my knees began to shake. As we were walking in, my sister described these same feelings. I felt better, knowing that I was not alone with my fears. Confrontation of this magnitude is never easy, but we knew that the time had come for justice to do its work.
The Enemy wants us to give up.
My father and mother sat down alone on the opposite side of the courtroom. No one in the family spoke to my parents, and there was so much tension in the room, you could have cut it with a knife. Our daughter burst into tears, and we all rallied around her to pray for her strength. Within minutes, the spiritual turmoil abated.
God provides models for us.
As we waited, several other cases were heard. A young woman in an orange prisoner's uniform was brought in by the sheriff's deputy. Her head had been shaved. As she was charged with stealing someone's debit card, she hung her head and listened to the judge's explanation of her sentence. At the end of her hearing, she said that she was really sorry for what she had done. It had hurt her victim, she had lost her children, and she had made a mess of her life with some really bad decisions involving drugs. Through her example, we all saw what appeared to be genuine regret.
A second woman was brought in, also wearing the orange uniform, with purplish hair that streamed past her waist. She had been in trouble many times before. During the short time that she was held in jail, pills had been discovered hidden on her person. Her husband appeared, who also had a history of criminal conduct. She claimed to be innocent, and her husband signed an affadavit to promise repayment of her bond money. By this example, we had a pretty good idea that this woman was not yet capable of accepting responsibility for her actions or changing her behavior.
In spite of the differences in these women's attitudes regarding their crimes, I prayed for them both. I learned later that the rest of the family had been praying for them, too. While we waited, I wondered if my father would exhibit the contrition displayed by the woman with the shaven head or the defensiveness of the one with the long purplish hair.
How do we know if an apology is sincere?
It came time for my father to speak. He turned to all of us. He said he was sorry for what he had done to our daughter. Then he apologized to the family as a whole. He followed his apology with the statement, "I don't know what made me do it." Then he shrugged and gave us all an incredibly stupid look, as if he were clueless and completely free of all responsibility for his actions. In that instant, I knew that his apology meant little. Later, the entire family agreed that 'the shrug' negated every word that our father had spoken.
The enemy will lie to preserve himself.
As the hearing progressed, the defense attorney tried to make the family look guilty by reading a portion of a letter that one of us had written. He told the judge that neither my father nor my mother had spoken any of the statments contained in the letter, in spite of the fact that a court employee had overheard these words a month earlier. This tactic served to drive the family further from believing the sincerity of our father's apology.
Speaking the truth in love is difficult.
We all had the opportunity to tell the judge how my father's actions had hurt our family. Only my ex-husband and my son chose to speak. My ex spoke eloquently about the losses that our daughter experienced as a result of my father's molesting her. At times, tears interfered with his ability to continue. I could see that both the judge and the bailiff felt the pain that we had all endured over the years.
Our courageous son talked about the court's duty to uphold the tenets of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As a former Marine, he pointed out that my father, a veteran of the Coast Guard, had failed to uphold the same promise our son had made to the military to carry out the laws of our constitution.
Our son also revealed to the court that I had gone to my parents prior to my divorce 13 years ago to tell them that I suspected my daughter had been molested. At that time, my father said absolutely nothing about what he had done and allowed my ex-husband to take the blame for my father's molestation of my daughter. The look on the judge's face as these facts were revealed foretold what was ahead for my father.
There are consequences for our actions.
The judge was wonderful, explaining in great detail how he weighed the evidence to determine the sentence. In my father's favor, the judge considered his age, his claims regarding his remorse, and his recent psychotherapy.
In our daughter's favor, the judge considered the breech of trust created by her grandfather's behavior, her age at the time of the crime, and the fact that my father bypassed opportunities in the past to admit his guilt. Allowing another man to take the blame for his actions caused the judge to reconsider the validity of my father's apology.
My father's sentence turned out to be: 3 years in prison, 5 years of probation afterward, and 25 years as a registered sex offender. In addtion, he was ordered to pay for 5 years of psychotherapy for our daughter. At the conclusion of the hearing, the prosecutor recommended filing a civil suit to acquire additional funding to cover up to 20 years of psychotherapy for our daughter.
We hate the sin, but our hearts break for the sinner.
When the judge ordered my father into the custody of the county jailer, Dad stood to allow the deputy to handcuff him. My niece burst into tears, and the deputy led my father away. I felt such a profound sense of loss, I could not even cry. I felt stunned, trying to understand how it was possible that this man, whom everyone believed to be a warm, loveable teddy bear, was capable of committing such heinous crimes without a hint of genuine remorse.
We hate the sin, and we pray for the ability to love the sinner.
Throughout the hearing, my mother sat alone on the opposite side of the courtroom. No one was willing to talk to her or comfort her. While my father molested children all of his life, my mother had verbally and emotionally abused most of us. We were more terrified of her reaction in court than anything else, and we had prayed for God's protection during the proceedings.
Over the past year, my mother has stuck up for my father, lied for him, villified us, and ignored our needs for understanding and comfort. In her typical fashion when confronted with a crisis, she stuck out her chin and sat ram-rod straight in the courtroom. When the sentence was pronounced, she wiped away a few tears, but otherwise remained stiff-necked. Not one person felt God calling them to go to her to offer comfort.
Oddly, when we left the courtroom, I glanced in the direction where my mother had been sitting. I didn't see her there and was relieved that I would not have to confront her. It was only later that I learned she had never moved from her seat until after we all left. I believe that God made her invisible to me in that moment to protect me.
I hate my father's sin, as well as my mother's. It is actually easier for me to pray for my father than it is for my mother. My father was always easy to love; my mother was not. I recognize this and pray that God will give me the ability to love my mother and merely hate her sins.
Justice brings limited relief.
We all went to lunch together after the hearing to talk about the day's events. Everyone agreed that my ex-husband and our son had tipped the scales in our daughter's favor when it came time for sentencing.
We felt that the judge had been fair and particularly kind, especially when he spoke directly to our daughter. He had reassured her that she bore no guilt for my father's crimes, and that reporting the incidents had taken great courage. He commended our family for the love and support that we all share for our daughter.
But in the end, justice brings only limited relief. We all came away with a burden of grief that felt so heavy, we could barely function. I felt as if we had attended a funeral. Joe said he felt as if he hadn't slept for days. Our daughter told us that she was incredibly sad, because she hated to see her grandpa going off to jail. She hated the sin, but she still loved the sinner.
Thank you for your prayers.
I would like to thank all of you for your prayers yesterday. In spite of the turmoil, I felt strangely peaceful through it all.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down the name of your enemy who has hurt you. Write down what action he took to cause you pain. Under his name, write sinner. Under his action, write the word sin. If you are feeling hatred for this person, begin today to understand that Jesus calls us to hate the sin, not the sinner.
Matthew 5:43-44 (NIV) reads, "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." This is a very difficult thing to do, and we may not be able to love our enemies as much as God does. But, we must try.
Our family had an opportunity to learn more about this concept yesterday, because we went to court for my father's sentencing in the case of his molesting my daughter. As a family, ten of us felt very united when we went into the courtroom. We had spent the day before together, talking about the upcoming court appearance and praying for God to use it for everyone's good.
Confrontation is never easy.
On the way to the courthouse, my stomach began churning. When we pulled into the parking lot, I felt as if I might vomit. My hands became clammy, and my knees began to shake. As we were walking in, my sister described these same feelings. I felt better, knowing that I was not alone with my fears. Confrontation of this magnitude is never easy, but we knew that the time had come for justice to do its work.
The Enemy wants us to give up.
My father and mother sat down alone on the opposite side of the courtroom. No one in the family spoke to my parents, and there was so much tension in the room, you could have cut it with a knife. Our daughter burst into tears, and we all rallied around her to pray for her strength. Within minutes, the spiritual turmoil abated.
God provides models for us.
As we waited, several other cases were heard. A young woman in an orange prisoner's uniform was brought in by the sheriff's deputy. Her head had been shaved. As she was charged with stealing someone's debit card, she hung her head and listened to the judge's explanation of her sentence. At the end of her hearing, she said that she was really sorry for what she had done. It had hurt her victim, she had lost her children, and she had made a mess of her life with some really bad decisions involving drugs. Through her example, we all saw what appeared to be genuine regret.
A second woman was brought in, also wearing the orange uniform, with purplish hair that streamed past her waist. She had been in trouble many times before. During the short time that she was held in jail, pills had been discovered hidden on her person. Her husband appeared, who also had a history of criminal conduct. She claimed to be innocent, and her husband signed an affadavit to promise repayment of her bond money. By this example, we had a pretty good idea that this woman was not yet capable of accepting responsibility for her actions or changing her behavior.
In spite of the differences in these women's attitudes regarding their crimes, I prayed for them both. I learned later that the rest of the family had been praying for them, too. While we waited, I wondered if my father would exhibit the contrition displayed by the woman with the shaven head or the defensiveness of the one with the long purplish hair.
How do we know if an apology is sincere?
It came time for my father to speak. He turned to all of us. He said he was sorry for what he had done to our daughter. Then he apologized to the family as a whole. He followed his apology with the statement, "I don't know what made me do it." Then he shrugged and gave us all an incredibly stupid look, as if he were clueless and completely free of all responsibility for his actions. In that instant, I knew that his apology meant little. Later, the entire family agreed that 'the shrug' negated every word that our father had spoken.
The enemy will lie to preserve himself.
As the hearing progressed, the defense attorney tried to make the family look guilty by reading a portion of a letter that one of us had written. He told the judge that neither my father nor my mother had spoken any of the statments contained in the letter, in spite of the fact that a court employee had overheard these words a month earlier. This tactic served to drive the family further from believing the sincerity of our father's apology.
Speaking the truth in love is difficult.
We all had the opportunity to tell the judge how my father's actions had hurt our family. Only my ex-husband and my son chose to speak. My ex spoke eloquently about the losses that our daughter experienced as a result of my father's molesting her. At times, tears interfered with his ability to continue. I could see that both the judge and the bailiff felt the pain that we had all endured over the years.
Our courageous son talked about the court's duty to uphold the tenets of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As a former Marine, he pointed out that my father, a veteran of the Coast Guard, had failed to uphold the same promise our son had made to the military to carry out the laws of our constitution.
Our son also revealed to the court that I had gone to my parents prior to my divorce 13 years ago to tell them that I suspected my daughter had been molested. At that time, my father said absolutely nothing about what he had done and allowed my ex-husband to take the blame for my father's molestation of my daughter. The look on the judge's face as these facts were revealed foretold what was ahead for my father.
There are consequences for our actions.
The judge was wonderful, explaining in great detail how he weighed the evidence to determine the sentence. In my father's favor, the judge considered his age, his claims regarding his remorse, and his recent psychotherapy.
In our daughter's favor, the judge considered the breech of trust created by her grandfather's behavior, her age at the time of the crime, and the fact that my father bypassed opportunities in the past to admit his guilt. Allowing another man to take the blame for his actions caused the judge to reconsider the validity of my father's apology.
My father's sentence turned out to be: 3 years in prison, 5 years of probation afterward, and 25 years as a registered sex offender. In addtion, he was ordered to pay for 5 years of psychotherapy for our daughter. At the conclusion of the hearing, the prosecutor recommended filing a civil suit to acquire additional funding to cover up to 20 years of psychotherapy for our daughter.
We hate the sin, but our hearts break for the sinner.
When the judge ordered my father into the custody of the county jailer, Dad stood to allow the deputy to handcuff him. My niece burst into tears, and the deputy led my father away. I felt such a profound sense of loss, I could not even cry. I felt stunned, trying to understand how it was possible that this man, whom everyone believed to be a warm, loveable teddy bear, was capable of committing such heinous crimes without a hint of genuine remorse.
We hate the sin, and we pray for the ability to love the sinner.
Throughout the hearing, my mother sat alone on the opposite side of the courtroom. No one was willing to talk to her or comfort her. While my father molested children all of his life, my mother had verbally and emotionally abused most of us. We were more terrified of her reaction in court than anything else, and we had prayed for God's protection during the proceedings.
Over the past year, my mother has stuck up for my father, lied for him, villified us, and ignored our needs for understanding and comfort. In her typical fashion when confronted with a crisis, she stuck out her chin and sat ram-rod straight in the courtroom. When the sentence was pronounced, she wiped away a few tears, but otherwise remained stiff-necked. Not one person felt God calling them to go to her to offer comfort.
Oddly, when we left the courtroom, I glanced in the direction where my mother had been sitting. I didn't see her there and was relieved that I would not have to confront her. It was only later that I learned she had never moved from her seat until after we all left. I believe that God made her invisible to me in that moment to protect me.
I hate my father's sin, as well as my mother's. It is actually easier for me to pray for my father than it is for my mother. My father was always easy to love; my mother was not. I recognize this and pray that God will give me the ability to love my mother and merely hate her sins.
Justice brings limited relief.
We all went to lunch together after the hearing to talk about the day's events. Everyone agreed that my ex-husband and our son had tipped the scales in our daughter's favor when it came time for sentencing.
We felt that the judge had been fair and particularly kind, especially when he spoke directly to our daughter. He had reassured her that she bore no guilt for my father's crimes, and that reporting the incidents had taken great courage. He commended our family for the love and support that we all share for our daughter.
But in the end, justice brings only limited relief. We all came away with a burden of grief that felt so heavy, we could barely function. I felt as if we had attended a funeral. Joe said he felt as if he hadn't slept for days. Our daughter told us that she was incredibly sad, because she hated to see her grandpa going off to jail. She hated the sin, but she still loved the sinner.
Thank you for your prayers.
I would like to thank all of you for your prayers yesterday. In spite of the turmoil, I felt strangely peaceful through it all.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down the name of your enemy who has hurt you. Write down what action he took to cause you pain. Under his name, write sinner. Under his action, write the word sin. If you are feeling hatred for this person, begin today to understand that Jesus calls us to hate the sin, not the sinner.
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