We continue this week with my series, Thriving in God's Garden, with a look at joy. As a fruit of the Spirit of God, it can make our lives more beautiful, and it spills over onto others when we share it. However, I meet more people whose lives are devoid of joy than the ones who are bubbling over. Many ask me how to find it, and I would like to share my thoughts.
What is joy?
The dictionary defines joy as:
1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation;
2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated;
3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety; and
4. a state of happiness or felicity.
These four definitions can help us understand that there are differences between the source of our joy, the emotion of joy that we experience, ways of expressing our joy, and a state of mental and spiritual contentment that comes when the first three are appropriately experienced.
Eeyore Christians
I get really tired of hearing other believers say with a deep sigh and furrowed brow, "I'm joyful." Their lives are a mess, often because their most important relationships are in crisis. They have become confused about feeling joy and receiving joy. They think that all they need to do is accept joy from God, and they will feel it in their broken relationships. This is a myth.
Our source of joy begins with God.
We will never find true joy in this lifetime if we don't have an intimate relationship with God. With that in place, we are capable of actually feeling joyful in our relationships with others. The only problem we run into is when we try to force ourselves into or to remain in relationships with people who are not helping us to maintain the joy that God gives us.
We can think of joy as water. God holds the water pitcher. We hold out our cups to him, and when they overflow, we can pour off some of our water into others' cups.If our cup is empty, we cannot refresh ourselves, nor can we pour one for others. All we can do is tip the cup and pour out nothing.
When we're dry to the bone due to a lack of joy that begins with God, our lives become a constant struggle. We cannot work on relationships, because we are so spiritually thirsty. Joy is as critical to survival as water, air, and food.
We can express and receive joy if we know where to pour it.
When we meet people who are bubbling over with joy, it is because they have been filled with God's Spirit. It is also because they have learned where to pour it.
Like our water pitcher image, their cups are brimming over, and the pitcher just keeps refilling them. God is that source of joy, and he promises to fill us with his Spirit. Psalm 23:5 (NIV) reminds us, You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
This is an ideal image that we can strive for in our own lives. Imagine feeling giddy with joy, even while eating dinner with the person who hurts you the most. These verses sustain us when we are struggling, reminding us that God does not abandon us. His water pitcher is always full, and he keeps pouring until our cup overflows.
But notice that this verse doesn't say that we should make sure that we're sitting in the presense of our enemies at every meal. I can't think of a better way to destroy my joy than to force myself to spend all of my waking hours with people who would love to destroy me.
God calls us to do many things, and one that most people don't think about is that we are supposed to fiercely guard the Spirit that lives within us. St. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (NIV):
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common"? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of the living God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore, come out from them and be separate," says the Lord. "Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters," says the Lord Almighty.
My life was once so joyless, I wanted to die. It wasn't until I realized that forcing myself to remain in relationship with unbelievers was draining all joy out of me. When I separated myself from them, I felt joy for the first time in decades.
Relationships with unbelievers can rob us of our joy.
Imagine if we each had a plastic cup for receiving a drink of water, but we cut the bottom out of it. That seems like a really dumb thing to do if we're thirsty, doesn't it?
But countless Christians are holding out their God-receiving cups with the bottoms cut out of them. God's pitcher keeps pouring in joy, but their life choices continue to destroy their ability to hold onto it.
Marriage seems to be a place where Christians haven't figured this out. They think that a relationship devoid of intimacy with an unbeliever is where they must remain, because they made a vow to God.
Please don't get me wrong here. I believe it is important to do what God tells us and to keep our promises. I hate divorce as much as the next person. But I don't believe that Christians who are married to unbelievers are supposed to martyr themselves over a marriage that is dead. These people are so devoid of joy, it breaks my heart.
They fail to see the harm that their spouse and their marriage is causing them. They don't understand that a neglectful or abusive spouse is an unfaithful spouse, whom Jesus tells us we may leave in Matthew 19:9 (NIV): I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS, and marries another woman commits adultery.
Guilt-ridden, misinformed Christians read that line which tells them they will become adulterers if they divorce and remarry. What they miss is the phrase that comes in between: except for marital unfaithfulness. Emotional neglect or physical abuse are both forms of marital unfaithfulness. No Christian is expected to stay in a marriage with a spouse who is unfaithful. Period. They may choose to stay, but expecting to experience joy in the process is just not logical.
Many survivors of childhood abuse wind up in marriages with partners who emotionally neglect them or physically abuse them. The wounds of marital emotional neglect run much deeper than the scars of physical abuse. I know. I've been there. I would rather be beaten daily than neglected. Emotional neglect leaves us so drained of all joy that we can barely put one foot ahead of the next.
What is really sad is that these victims of marital neglect beat themselves up daily. They blame themselves for the marriage conflict, feel consumed by guilt for feeling angry about the situation which they believe God wants them to remain in, and struggle with perfectionism and control issues as they attempt to change their mates.
I lived like this for years in my first marriage, and I can honestly say that I was a shriveled-up sponge on a desert floor. There was no joy in anything, because my cup was empty, and my lifestyle just continued to drain away whatever joy God had to give.
Patch up your bottomless cup to find joy.
It is my opinion that the only way to restore our bottomless cup is to step back from a relationship that continues to eat away at our vessel. God has the ability to patch up any mistakes we've made along the way. And without that other person continually destroying our cup, God can refill it. When he does, look out!
For the first time, we understand what true joy really feels like. A cup filled to the brim and overflowing is evident in a person's life. He walks with a bounce in his step, whistles while he works, greets everyone with a broad smile, and laughs without reserve.
So, if we look like Eeyore and tell others that we're full of God's joy, we'd better prepare ourselves for a surprise. Somewhere along the way, a person with some guts will tell us that we're full of something else.
It wasn't until I quit lying to myself and to the world about being joyful that I was able to step out of that cup-destroying relationship and let God fill me up. Then, from a distance, I could see the truth about the realities of my broken marriage. God restored my cup, filled me with joy, and showed me the stupidity of dining regularly with my enemies. Today, I know what it feels likes to receive God's joy, to experience it with a husband and friends who love me deeply, and to share it with others. I pray that for you, too, dear reader.
Today's Challenge
God is our source of joy, but our relationships determine how easily we keep our cups full. If you're in a draining relationship, step back and figure out why you're allowing someone to cut the bottom out of your soul. Look at yourself and think about changing you, not the other person.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Love Your Neighbor As Yourself
This week, we have learned that God loves us so much that he gave up his only son to die for us. Therefore, we have good reason to love him in return for his graciousness to us. We are called to share that love with all people and to pray for those who have hurt us. Today, I would like to look at what it means to love our neighbors in my series, Thriving in God's Garden.
The Golden Rule
When a teacher of the law asked Jesus which commandment was the most important, this was his response. "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-31 NIV)
Love your neighbor as yourself has come to be known as The Golden Rule. There is no greater law that governs how people are supposed to treat one another. So what, exactly, does it mean to love our neighbors as ourselves?
Do you love yourself?
Many people who have suffered the trauma of childhood sexual abuse or domestic violence have very low opinions of themselves. They find it difficult to love themselves, because they either feel degraded and ashamed of themselves, or they have been brainwashed into believing that they are worthless. In order to love others, we must first learn to love ourselves.
This means that we actually accept the love that God has to offer. And when we reach out and take it from him, we love him back by changing the way we live. We give up habits that would make God feel unwelcome in our homes. And we turn away from any lifestyle that would harm our bodies. After all, God's Spirit lives inside of us when we become Christians, so we really need to keep ourselves pure.
Love people who aren't easy to love.
So, if we're behaving ourselves so that we can feel good about our lives, we can learn to share God's love with others. Most of us have no difficulty loving our children or our pets. Some have a little trouble loving spouses. Many of us struggle when it comes to loving certain neighbors, because they aren't exactly easy to love.
We used to have a neighbor who drank together with her adult children every night. While we were trying to sleep, the neighbors were shouting obscenities at one another and breaking beer bottles in their backyard. After many sleepless nights, Joe went to ask them to quiet down. That lasted about ten minutes.
The next night, we decided it was best to call the police. After a cop arrived to tell the neighbors to take their party inside, we could hear them bickering about who caused the problem and speculating that we were the people who had turned them in.
It was difficult to be pleasant to this woman, because she was drunk and surly at night and then withdrawn during the day. Nevertheless, we tried our best to be good neighbors to her. When I picked vegetables from the garden, I shared them with her. I baked cookies for her children and gave her books I had finished reading. I can't say that we ever became friends, but I tried my best to love my neighbor.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who needs to feel God's love? Perhaps there's a co-worker, a neighbor, a child down the block, or an elderly person who needs to feel a connection to God through you. Take time today to speak with that person, offer them a small gift, or do a chore for them. By loving someone else, you will find that you love yourself a little bit more in the process.
The Golden Rule
When a teacher of the law asked Jesus which commandment was the most important, this was his response. "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-31 NIV)
Love your neighbor as yourself has come to be known as The Golden Rule. There is no greater law that governs how people are supposed to treat one another. So what, exactly, does it mean to love our neighbors as ourselves?
Do you love yourself?
Many people who have suffered the trauma of childhood sexual abuse or domestic violence have very low opinions of themselves. They find it difficult to love themselves, because they either feel degraded and ashamed of themselves, or they have been brainwashed into believing that they are worthless. In order to love others, we must first learn to love ourselves.
This means that we actually accept the love that God has to offer. And when we reach out and take it from him, we love him back by changing the way we live. We give up habits that would make God feel unwelcome in our homes. And we turn away from any lifestyle that would harm our bodies. After all, God's Spirit lives inside of us when we become Christians, so we really need to keep ourselves pure.
Love people who aren't easy to love.
So, if we're behaving ourselves so that we can feel good about our lives, we can learn to share God's love with others. Most of us have no difficulty loving our children or our pets. Some have a little trouble loving spouses. Many of us struggle when it comes to loving certain neighbors, because they aren't exactly easy to love.
We used to have a neighbor who drank together with her adult children every night. While we were trying to sleep, the neighbors were shouting obscenities at one another and breaking beer bottles in their backyard. After many sleepless nights, Joe went to ask them to quiet down. That lasted about ten minutes.
The next night, we decided it was best to call the police. After a cop arrived to tell the neighbors to take their party inside, we could hear them bickering about who caused the problem and speculating that we were the people who had turned them in.
It was difficult to be pleasant to this woman, because she was drunk and surly at night and then withdrawn during the day. Nevertheless, we tried our best to be good neighbors to her. When I picked vegetables from the garden, I shared them with her. I baked cookies for her children and gave her books I had finished reading. I can't say that we ever became friends, but I tried my best to love my neighbor.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who needs to feel God's love? Perhaps there's a co-worker, a neighbor, a child down the block, or an elderly person who needs to feel a connection to God through you. Take time today to speak with that person, offer them a small gift, or do a chore for them. By loving someone else, you will find that you love yourself a little bit more in the process.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Love Your Enemies
We continue today with our series, Thriving in God's Garden, a study based on the fruit of the Spirit as described in Galatians 5:22. This week, we are learning about our love relationship with God and with others. Today, I would like to discuss how we can love our enemies.
What does the Bible say about love for our enemies?
Luke 6:27-28 (NIV) reads: But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Jesus spoke these words to his disciples to make three points:
1) We should never treat others spitefully, even when they abuse us;
2) We should love everyone; and
3) We should go the extra mile to express love to our enemies.
How can we protect ourselves from further abuse?
When I used to read this passage, my warning signals began going off. I knew that if I expressed love in practical ways to the abusive people in my life, they would come after me like a pack of wolves on an injured sheep.
We often mistakenly interpret this message to mean that we must put ourselves into a relationship with people who abuse us. This is not what Jesus meant. We can love them from a distance, and Jesus gave us examples of how we might do that.
Show your enemies your love in appropriate ways.
For women who have been victims of domestic violence or adults who suffered childhood sexual abuse, expressing love to their abusers can be difficult. But it is not impossible.
First, let me say that there are ways to express love to abusers that I would not recommend. If your expression of love results in your abuser verbally abusing you, emotionally destroying you at every opportunity, physically harming you, or taking advantage of you sexually for their own gratification; you should immediately remove yourself and any children from such a situation. Every individual's emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual safety must be considered first.
Many abusers do not have the skills to live within a relationship without hurting or using others. Therefore, we must be careful to protect ourselves when we express love to them. If we are kind to them, and in return we receive more abuse, it may be time to step back and wait. In some cases, our abusers may never respond appropriately, but at least we can say we have tried.
When we are in a safe place and free from further abuse, we can find ways to express love to that person who hurt us. From a human perspective, this can feel impossible. But if we pray and ask Jesus to help us love, we may be surprised by what happens.
At first, loving our enemies begins with a lessening of the hatred and anger we feel toward them. Over time, we let go of our need to control the situation or to seek revenge. Eventually, with God's help, we can get to the point where we actually wish only good for our abusers.
When we get to that point of recovery, we can find ways to do good for our abusers and to bless them. Here are some practical ways we can bless our abusers without getting hurt again. We can:
-Stop bringing up the past and recounting all of the horrific things our abusers did. We can talk about our pain with a counselor or with God, and then let it go.
-Pray that God will bless our abusers with the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
-Send our abusers simple cards of encouragement with loving Scripture verses included.
-If our abusers are incarcerated, we can send them gift packages that are provided by the prison system. These include food items, books, and games.
Don't use love to control outcomes with your enemies.
We learned in our previous series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, that we are the last person our abuser needs to point out how he should change. If his heart is ever open, he may accept correction from someone else. This is not a job that we should take on.
Remember, the only person we can ever change is ourselves. So when we send cards or gifts, our underlying purpose must be only to express love, not to force an outcome that we desire.
When we express love to people who hate us, curse us, and do all kinds of evil things to hurt us; there is no longer much room in our hearts for returning the evil. It's hard to hate someone while expressing kindness to them. This is why Jesus encourages us to love everyone. It's a great antidote for getting stuck in a place of bitterness and revenge.
Today's Challenge
Take some time to think about how you might safely express love to someone who has hurt you. Make a list of ideas and share it with a counselor or trusted friend. Ask them to help you sort out which ideas would be most helpful to your enemy without jeopardizing your safety. Take action to express love in one way to your enemy when the timing is right.
What does the Bible say about love for our enemies?
Luke 6:27-28 (NIV) reads: But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Jesus spoke these words to his disciples to make three points:
1) We should never treat others spitefully, even when they abuse us;
2) We should love everyone; and
3) We should go the extra mile to express love to our enemies.
How can we protect ourselves from further abuse?
When I used to read this passage, my warning signals began going off. I knew that if I expressed love in practical ways to the abusive people in my life, they would come after me like a pack of wolves on an injured sheep.
We often mistakenly interpret this message to mean that we must put ourselves into a relationship with people who abuse us. This is not what Jesus meant. We can love them from a distance, and Jesus gave us examples of how we might do that.
Show your enemies your love in appropriate ways.
For women who have been victims of domestic violence or adults who suffered childhood sexual abuse, expressing love to their abusers can be difficult. But it is not impossible.
First, let me say that there are ways to express love to abusers that I would not recommend. If your expression of love results in your abuser verbally abusing you, emotionally destroying you at every opportunity, physically harming you, or taking advantage of you sexually for their own gratification; you should immediately remove yourself and any children from such a situation. Every individual's emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual safety must be considered first.
Many abusers do not have the skills to live within a relationship without hurting or using others. Therefore, we must be careful to protect ourselves when we express love to them. If we are kind to them, and in return we receive more abuse, it may be time to step back and wait. In some cases, our abusers may never respond appropriately, but at least we can say we have tried.
When we are in a safe place and free from further abuse, we can find ways to express love to that person who hurt us. From a human perspective, this can feel impossible. But if we pray and ask Jesus to help us love, we may be surprised by what happens.
At first, loving our enemies begins with a lessening of the hatred and anger we feel toward them. Over time, we let go of our need to control the situation or to seek revenge. Eventually, with God's help, we can get to the point where we actually wish only good for our abusers.
When we get to that point of recovery, we can find ways to do good for our abusers and to bless them. Here are some practical ways we can bless our abusers without getting hurt again. We can:
-Stop bringing up the past and recounting all of the horrific things our abusers did. We can talk about our pain with a counselor or with God, and then let it go.
-Pray that God will bless our abusers with the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
-Send our abusers simple cards of encouragement with loving Scripture verses included.
-If our abusers are incarcerated, we can send them gift packages that are provided by the prison system. These include food items, books, and games.
Don't use love to control outcomes with your enemies.
We learned in our previous series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, that we are the last person our abuser needs to point out how he should change. If his heart is ever open, he may accept correction from someone else. This is not a job that we should take on.
Remember, the only person we can ever change is ourselves. So when we send cards or gifts, our underlying purpose must be only to express love, not to force an outcome that we desire.
When we express love to people who hate us, curse us, and do all kinds of evil things to hurt us; there is no longer much room in our hearts for returning the evil. It's hard to hate someone while expressing kindness to them. This is why Jesus encourages us to love everyone. It's a great antidote for getting stuck in a place of bitterness and revenge.
Today's Challenge
Take some time to think about how you might safely express love to someone who has hurt you. Make a list of ideas and share it with a counselor or trusted friend. Ask them to help you sort out which ideas would be most helpful to your enemy without jeopardizing your safety. Take action to express love in one way to your enemy when the timing is right.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Do You Love God?
In our current series, Thriving in God's Garden, we are focusing on the topic of love this week. Yesterday, we took time to think about the depth of God's love for us. Today, I would like to reflect upon what we are doing with that love.
Love is a two-step process.
When God sends love our way, it's the beginning of a process. Until we accept his love and return it to him, the process is incomplete. Think of someone serving a tennis ball to us, which we just stand and watch without even attempting to hit it back. We aren't in the game until we return the love that God volleys our way.
If God's love is so wonderful, why are so many of us standing with our arms dangling at our sides, watching it pass us by?
True Love versus Love Myths
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we frequently confuse our need for God's love with our need for reassurance and safety. We have been lied to about what love is through the perverse actions of people who were supposed to love and nurture us.
If the abuse doesn't leave us confused about love, we are further bombarded with fairy tales about handsome princes when we're little. As we grow up, chick flicks send us the mythical message that we'll be happy if we find the perfect husband.
Without a clear understanding of God's love, we may blunder into unhealthy relationships and marriages. When we don't find the mythical love that we thought was ours for the taking, we blunder back out of those relationships through divorce. And if we don't take the time to understand God's true love along the way, we may blunder through numerous marriages and divorces.
So, if mythical love is all wrong, how do we find our way to the true love that only God can offer us?
Godly men set great examples.
A healthy earthly father exhibits the fruit of the Spirit, as we learned yesterday. He is loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. If he is walking with God, he reflects God's character. Does this describe your father?
If you did not grow up with this type of father, I hope that God sent other men throughout your childhood to model these character traits for you. God sent me a neighbor, a cousin, a teacher, and a bus driver who were all excellent examples of the way a father should love his children.
So many single mothers worry that their boys need a good male role model around. But I believe it's just as important for girls to have a godly man in their lives, because it helps them to learn how to accept God's love throughout their lives. It also teaches them what to look for in a mate.
How much do you love God?
Today, I would like you to think about how much you love God. This can be a really difficult concept for people who have been abused by their fathers or other men in their families. Sexual predators made it really tough for us to love or respect God, our heavenly Father.
For years, I struggled with this concept of returning God's love. I knew that he loved me, but I could never seem to connect with him in a way that felt as if we were in a relationship.
And then I began watching movies which Joe brought home: Matthew and The Gospel of John , both produced by a company known as The Visual Bible. They are word-for-word portrayals of the Bible's descriptions of Jesus' life here on earth. They show clearly how much Jesus loves us.
In Matthew 22:37 (NIV), Jesus told his disciples, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'" As I watched Jesus loving his disciples, and the disciples crying over him during the crucifixion, I recognized for the first time what it would feel like to be in a love relationship with God. It moved me to tears.
Today, if you visit my house, you may find one of these movies playing in the background as I sew, clean, or cook. The Gospel messages serve as constant reminders that God offers the only true love there is. And they help me remember that it's safe and reassuring if I return that love to him.
How do we love God?
We can return God's love by praying to him, singing to him, standing in his presence, entering into a place of silence with him, listening to his voice, and appreciating his Word. In response to his love, we may shout, dance, clap, or laugh. His love may inspire us to write poetry, compose music, paint pictures, or create beautiful things that reflect that love.
We don't have to wait until we're in church to show God how much we love him. Imagine how awful we'd feel if we could only express love to others for one hour each week. We can love God all day long every day.
Today's Challenge
You may love your spouse, your kids, your cat, or even your possessions. But how much do you love God? Take time today to think about this, and if you're struggling with this concept, read the Gospel of John or watch The Visual Bible movies. Afterward, write in your journal about how God's Word changed the way you express love to God.
Love is a two-step process.
When God sends love our way, it's the beginning of a process. Until we accept his love and return it to him, the process is incomplete. Think of someone serving a tennis ball to us, which we just stand and watch without even attempting to hit it back. We aren't in the game until we return the love that God volleys our way.
If God's love is so wonderful, why are so many of us standing with our arms dangling at our sides, watching it pass us by?
True Love versus Love Myths
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we frequently confuse our need for God's love with our need for reassurance and safety. We have been lied to about what love is through the perverse actions of people who were supposed to love and nurture us.
If the abuse doesn't leave us confused about love, we are further bombarded with fairy tales about handsome princes when we're little. As we grow up, chick flicks send us the mythical message that we'll be happy if we find the perfect husband.
Without a clear understanding of God's love, we may blunder into unhealthy relationships and marriages. When we don't find the mythical love that we thought was ours for the taking, we blunder back out of those relationships through divorce. And if we don't take the time to understand God's true love along the way, we may blunder through numerous marriages and divorces.
So, if mythical love is all wrong, how do we find our way to the true love that only God can offer us?
Godly men set great examples.
A healthy earthly father exhibits the fruit of the Spirit, as we learned yesterday. He is loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. If he is walking with God, he reflects God's character. Does this describe your father?
If you did not grow up with this type of father, I hope that God sent other men throughout your childhood to model these character traits for you. God sent me a neighbor, a cousin, a teacher, and a bus driver who were all excellent examples of the way a father should love his children.
So many single mothers worry that their boys need a good male role model around. But I believe it's just as important for girls to have a godly man in their lives, because it helps them to learn how to accept God's love throughout their lives. It also teaches them what to look for in a mate.
How much do you love God?
Today, I would like you to think about how much you love God. This can be a really difficult concept for people who have been abused by their fathers or other men in their families. Sexual predators made it really tough for us to love or respect God, our heavenly Father.
For years, I struggled with this concept of returning God's love. I knew that he loved me, but I could never seem to connect with him in a way that felt as if we were in a relationship.
And then I began watching movies which Joe brought home: Matthew and The Gospel of John , both produced by a company known as The Visual Bible. They are word-for-word portrayals of the Bible's descriptions of Jesus' life here on earth. They show clearly how much Jesus loves us.
In Matthew 22:37 (NIV), Jesus told his disciples, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'" As I watched Jesus loving his disciples, and the disciples crying over him during the crucifixion, I recognized for the first time what it would feel like to be in a love relationship with God. It moved me to tears.
Today, if you visit my house, you may find one of these movies playing in the background as I sew, clean, or cook. The Gospel messages serve as constant reminders that God offers the only true love there is. And they help me remember that it's safe and reassuring if I return that love to him.
How do we love God?
We can return God's love by praying to him, singing to him, standing in his presence, entering into a place of silence with him, listening to his voice, and appreciating his Word. In response to his love, we may shout, dance, clap, or laugh. His love may inspire us to write poetry, compose music, paint pictures, or create beautiful things that reflect that love.
We don't have to wait until we're in church to show God how much we love him. Imagine how awful we'd feel if we could only express love to others for one hour each week. We can love God all day long every day.
Today's Challenge
You may love your spouse, your kids, your cat, or even your possessions. But how much do you love God? Take time today to think about this, and if you're struggling with this concept, read the Gospel of John or watch The Visual Bible movies. Afterward, write in your journal about how God's Word changed the way you express love to God.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
God Loves Us
This week, I would like to talk about love in my series for survivors of abuse and trauma, Thriving in God's Garden. My focus is not on the type of romantic love that we think about on Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day, but on the type that God feels for us. In Greek, this love is known as agape.
John 3:16 (NIV) tells us about this love: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Today, I would like you to think about how much God loves us.
I have a son who served in Iraq in the Marine Corps. The entire time that he was overseas, I begged God to protect him from bombs that fell from the sky and those that were strapped to suicide bombers. My prayers were entirely selfish, because all I wanted was for my son to return. I wasn't thinking about the love he felt for helpless people in a war-torn country.
God sent his son, Jesus, into the world to serve, too. But he didn't think about selfishly bringing him back home as quickly as possible. Instead, he allowed people to mock him, spit on him, beat him, and kill him.
Why didn't God stop this from happening? If he had prevented Jesus' crucifixion, all of us would still be subject to the punishment that we rightly deserve for our wrongs. By letting his son die, God showed how much he loves us. Because Christ's death on the cross--and his resurrection--saves us from the punishment that we deserve and allows us to live forever in a loving relationship with God.
My prayers for my son's safety during war were short-sighted and selfish. God's plan to save us through Jesus was very long-sighted and incredibly loving. Do you know what this love feels like? How have you experienced it?
Today's Challenge
Meditate on the words of John 3:16. How does it make you feel when you allow yourself to experience the magnitude of God's love for you?
John 3:16 (NIV) tells us about this love: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Today, I would like you to think about how much God loves us.
I have a son who served in Iraq in the Marine Corps. The entire time that he was overseas, I begged God to protect him from bombs that fell from the sky and those that were strapped to suicide bombers. My prayers were entirely selfish, because all I wanted was for my son to return. I wasn't thinking about the love he felt for helpless people in a war-torn country.
God sent his son, Jesus, into the world to serve, too. But he didn't think about selfishly bringing him back home as quickly as possible. Instead, he allowed people to mock him, spit on him, beat him, and kill him.
Why didn't God stop this from happening? If he had prevented Jesus' crucifixion, all of us would still be subject to the punishment that we rightly deserve for our wrongs. By letting his son die, God showed how much he loves us. Because Christ's death on the cross--and his resurrection--saves us from the punishment that we deserve and allows us to live forever in a loving relationship with God.
My prayers for my son's safety during war were short-sighted and selfish. God's plan to save us through Jesus was very long-sighted and incredibly loving. Do you know what this love feels like? How have you experienced it?
Today's Challenge
Meditate on the words of John 3:16. How does it make you feel when you allow yourself to experience the magnitude of God's love for you?
Monday, March 28, 2011
The Fruit of the Spirit
Today, we begin a new series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study is based on the fruit of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22 (NIV):
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
In my previous series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, we discovered that abuse or trauma can leave us feeling angry, fearful, mistrusting, guilty, vengeful, prideful, hateful, or depressed. It destroys our self-esteem. If we take away these things from our spirits, we must replace them with something better.
What better place to begin than learning how to grow the fruit of the Spirit in our own souls? Removing old, useless feelings and replacing them with positive thoughts and actions helps us to grow spiritually, emotionally, and socially. And I believe that when we are balanced in these three ways, our physical health improves, too.
Today's Challenge
Write Galatians 5:22 on something that you will be sure to see every day. I would like you to commit it to memory so that when you feel yourself slipping back into old patterns, you can use this verse to re-focus. Be creative with where you write it. When I decided to memorize it, I wrote it on a saw horse that I was using while building a garden project. Within a week, I had it memorized.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
In my previous series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, we discovered that abuse or trauma can leave us feeling angry, fearful, mistrusting, guilty, vengeful, prideful, hateful, or depressed. It destroys our self-esteem. If we take away these things from our spirits, we must replace them with something better.
What better place to begin than learning how to grow the fruit of the Spirit in our own souls? Removing old, useless feelings and replacing them with positive thoughts and actions helps us to grow spiritually, emotionally, and socially. And I believe that when we are balanced in these three ways, our physical health improves, too.
Today's Challenge
Write Galatians 5:22 on something that you will be sure to see every day. I would like you to commit it to memory so that when you feel yourself slipping back into old patterns, you can use this verse to re-focus. Be creative with where you write it. When I decided to memorize it, I wrote it on a saw horse that I was using while building a garden project. Within a week, I had it memorized.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Release Your Enemy to God
For the past two months, we have journeyed together through my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Today is the final post on this topic. Next week, we will begin a new series based on the fruit of the Spirit, titled Thriving in God's Garden.
Forgiveness is a long journey.
For a number of years, I have been working through this process of forgiving the people who have hurt me the most. I would like to thank my friends and readers who have offered their thoughts about this topic. You have all been extremely helpful. The following paragraphs contain my conclusions about how a survivor of abuse or trauma can remove the roadblocks to forgiveness and begin to thrive.
We are deeply wounded by abuse or trauma.
First, we must acknowledge that childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, and trauma all leave us with scars. When our perpetrators are finished with us, we may feel:
angry,
fearful,
mistrusting,
incompetent,
guilty,
vengeful,
prideful,
hateful, or
depressed.
Before we can forgive, we must face the truth about our past. If it was hurtful, we need to admit that to ourselves. Then, we need to ask God to comfort us.
Misunderstandings about forgiveness stand as roadblocks for us.
Second, we must realize that many misunderstandings about forgiveness stand in our way to achieving inner peace. These roadblocks to forgiveness include the following:
Roadblock #1: We must learn to get along with evil people.
Often, victims of childhood sexual abuse are told by their abusers that sexual activity between children and adults is good. Harming a child for self-gratification is never good. Actions such as these are always evil, but evil people may try to convince us that they are good.
When we fail to recognize the differences between good and evil, we get stranded on the side of the forgiveness road. The Bible tells us that good and evil cannot coexist. Therefore, we must separate ourselves from the people who continue to abuse us so that we can clearly understand the differences between good and evil.
By studying the Bible, talking with mature Christians, and praying for God to make us more like him, we can clear up this misunderstanding that we must learn to live with evil people. We can finally see that whatever opposes God's law or his character is evil. And whatever imitates him is good.
By learning to see God from a more balanced perspective, we can move forward on the road to forgiving by letting go of the people who are evil. In doing this, we learn without a doubt that our God is balanced, offering blessings to those who obey him and punishment for those who oppose him.
Roadblock #2: I am superior to my enemy.
As victims of serious crimes, we often see ourselves as superior to our perpetrators. This attitude always stands in our way of inner peace. As long as we think the entire problem lies with our enemy, we will remain stalled in our quest to forgive.
We must learn to see ourselves as God does, just as faulty on the inside as our enemies. If we are ever going to forgive them, we have to learn what the entire forgiveness process entails. The steps to forgiving mean that we:
-recognize that God's character defines all that is good,
-recognize that whatever opposes God's character is evil,
-admit that we have faults, just as our enemy does,
-humbly ask God to forgive our sins,
-accept God's grace and let go of all guilt,
-turn our life completely around so that we can imitate God better,
-ask others whom we have hurt for their forgiveness, and
-offer restitution to anyone we have hurt.
Roadblock #3: I have to restore the relationship with my enemy.
The biggest roadblock to forgiveness looms before us when we confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. To reconcile means that we put our differences aside and resume a relationship with someone who has hurt us.
Many people assume that if we forgive someone, we have to invite them back into our lives. This is not true. It is perfectly okay for us to remove ourselves permanently from the influence of someone who has hurt us or continues to hurt us. Even if the person who hurt us is a member of our own family, we do not have to invite them back into our lives.
Roadblock #4: I have to teach my enemy how to apologize.
So many victims believe that it is their duty to teach their enemies how to admit their sin, receive God's grace, and change their lives. As victims, we are the last people who should be doing this. We will only be seen as preachy hypocrites in our enemy's eyes. It is far better to pray for them from a distance, asking God to send others to change them. We can never force our enemies into changing so that we can forgive them.
Roadblock #5: I have to tell him, "I forgive you."
Many victims assume that they have to walk up to the criminal who has hurt them and say the words, "I forgive you," even if that person has never accepted responsibilty for his actions, apologized, changed his life, or offered restitution. This assumption hurts both victim and perpetrator.
When a victim tells her perpetrator, "I forgive you," without any forgiveness effort on his part, she sets herself up for further abuse. Many abusers see this pardon as a green light to resume the behaviors that must not have been all that bad. Otherwise, in their minds, the forgiveness would not have been forthcoming.
This type of pseudo-forgiveness hurts the perpetrator, too. It robs him of the opportunity to learn how to humble himself before God and the people he has hurt. It steals away the time he needs to figure out how to accept and give forgiveness.
The best way to handle an unrepentant enemy who has never truly accepted responsiblity for his actions or sincerely apologized for them is to say these words to God alone: "I release my enemy into your hands. I am willing to forgive him when he is ready. Please help him."
The words we may choose to say to our enemies from a distance, either by phone or letter, are these: "You have hurt me. I am willing to forgive you after you have learned what it takes to be forgiven. Until then, we cannot be in a relationship." Enough said. Hang up or sign the letter.
We can only change ourselves.
Third, when we release our enemies, we let go of our need to control the outcome. Instead of spending the rest of our lives focused on how our perpetrator needs to change, we can focus on changing ourselves. In the meantime, we get out of the way so that God can work on our enemy's heart.
We change ourselves by learning as much as we can about God's character, and then we imitate him to the best of our ability. We learn, as I have taught in this series, what it takes to humble ourselves before God and others to offer sincere apologies when we hurt people. We follow up our apologies with offers of restitution, and we try our best to learn a lesson so that we don't repeat the same mistakes.
By focusing on our own need for forgiveness, we let go of our preoccupation with our enemy's need for forgiveness. This frees us to go back and clean up the messes that were caused by the original abuse, such as our anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, vengefulness, pride, hatred, and depression.
We should show others how to forgive.
Fourth, we should share these newfound lessons about forgiveness with others. Now that you understand the truth about the forgiveness journey and how you can remove the roadblocks, I hope you'll begin to thrive! When you feel confident, I hope you'll teach the process to others by modeling appropriate forgiveness throughout your life.
I am at peace.
Somewhere along the way, God helped me to let go of the bitterness and anger that I felt toward the people who have deeply hurt me. When I began to pray that he would help me let go of them, my grip on the list of their faults began to loosen.
Today, I am at peace, because I realize that it is not my job to point out my enemies' faults to them. I am the last person they need to hear from regarding how badly they have failed at the forgiveness process. Some therapists advocate confronting abusers to tell them exactly how much they have hurt us. I disagree. God knows what they've done. We can tell him about our hurts and leave our enemies in his capable hands.
I continue to pray that my enemies will learn about the forgiveness process, because it brings such peace. I have released the people who have hurt me into God's hands, and I look forward to the outcomes he is able to bring about in their lives. Perhaps they will come to me someday to show me that they are sincerely sorry. If that happens, we will all rejoice together.
In the meantime, this search for a way to forgive my enemies has led me to the realization that I needed to be humbled. I am not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Holding onto the pain of my past was hurting me far more than it was helping my enemies to see the error of their ways.
Share your insights about forgiveness with me.
Thank you for taking this road trip with me. I value your feedback, so please post your comments here or send them to me at cheryldenton@rocketmail.com.
Join me next week as we begin my new series, Thriving In God's Garden.
Forgiveness is a long journey.
For a number of years, I have been working through this process of forgiving the people who have hurt me the most. I would like to thank my friends and readers who have offered their thoughts about this topic. You have all been extremely helpful. The following paragraphs contain my conclusions about how a survivor of abuse or trauma can remove the roadblocks to forgiveness and begin to thrive.
We are deeply wounded by abuse or trauma.
First, we must acknowledge that childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, and trauma all leave us with scars. When our perpetrators are finished with us, we may feel:
angry,
fearful,
mistrusting,
incompetent,
guilty,
vengeful,
prideful,
hateful, or
depressed.
Before we can forgive, we must face the truth about our past. If it was hurtful, we need to admit that to ourselves. Then, we need to ask God to comfort us.
Misunderstandings about forgiveness stand as roadblocks for us.
Second, we must realize that many misunderstandings about forgiveness stand in our way to achieving inner peace. These roadblocks to forgiveness include the following:
Roadblock #1: We must learn to get along with evil people.
Often, victims of childhood sexual abuse are told by their abusers that sexual activity between children and adults is good. Harming a child for self-gratification is never good. Actions such as these are always evil, but evil people may try to convince us that they are good.
When we fail to recognize the differences between good and evil, we get stranded on the side of the forgiveness road. The Bible tells us that good and evil cannot coexist. Therefore, we must separate ourselves from the people who continue to abuse us so that we can clearly understand the differences between good and evil.
By studying the Bible, talking with mature Christians, and praying for God to make us more like him, we can clear up this misunderstanding that we must learn to live with evil people. We can finally see that whatever opposes God's law or his character is evil. And whatever imitates him is good.
By learning to see God from a more balanced perspective, we can move forward on the road to forgiving by letting go of the people who are evil. In doing this, we learn without a doubt that our God is balanced, offering blessings to those who obey him and punishment for those who oppose him.
Roadblock #2: I am superior to my enemy.
As victims of serious crimes, we often see ourselves as superior to our perpetrators. This attitude always stands in our way of inner peace. As long as we think the entire problem lies with our enemy, we will remain stalled in our quest to forgive.
We must learn to see ourselves as God does, just as faulty on the inside as our enemies. If we are ever going to forgive them, we have to learn what the entire forgiveness process entails. The steps to forgiving mean that we:
-recognize that God's character defines all that is good,
-recognize that whatever opposes God's character is evil,
-admit that we have faults, just as our enemy does,
-humbly ask God to forgive our sins,
-accept God's grace and let go of all guilt,
-turn our life completely around so that we can imitate God better,
-ask others whom we have hurt for their forgiveness, and
-offer restitution to anyone we have hurt.
Roadblock #3: I have to restore the relationship with my enemy.
The biggest roadblock to forgiveness looms before us when we confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. To reconcile means that we put our differences aside and resume a relationship with someone who has hurt us.
Many people assume that if we forgive someone, we have to invite them back into our lives. This is not true. It is perfectly okay for us to remove ourselves permanently from the influence of someone who has hurt us or continues to hurt us. Even if the person who hurt us is a member of our own family, we do not have to invite them back into our lives.
Roadblock #4: I have to teach my enemy how to apologize.
So many victims believe that it is their duty to teach their enemies how to admit their sin, receive God's grace, and change their lives. As victims, we are the last people who should be doing this. We will only be seen as preachy hypocrites in our enemy's eyes. It is far better to pray for them from a distance, asking God to send others to change them. We can never force our enemies into changing so that we can forgive them.
Roadblock #5: I have to tell him, "I forgive you."
Many victims assume that they have to walk up to the criminal who has hurt them and say the words, "I forgive you," even if that person has never accepted responsibilty for his actions, apologized, changed his life, or offered restitution. This assumption hurts both victim and perpetrator.
When a victim tells her perpetrator, "I forgive you," without any forgiveness effort on his part, she sets herself up for further abuse. Many abusers see this pardon as a green light to resume the behaviors that must not have been all that bad. Otherwise, in their minds, the forgiveness would not have been forthcoming.
This type of pseudo-forgiveness hurts the perpetrator, too. It robs him of the opportunity to learn how to humble himself before God and the people he has hurt. It steals away the time he needs to figure out how to accept and give forgiveness.
The best way to handle an unrepentant enemy who has never truly accepted responsiblity for his actions or sincerely apologized for them is to say these words to God alone: "I release my enemy into your hands. I am willing to forgive him when he is ready. Please help him."
The words we may choose to say to our enemies from a distance, either by phone or letter, are these: "You have hurt me. I am willing to forgive you after you have learned what it takes to be forgiven. Until then, we cannot be in a relationship." Enough said. Hang up or sign the letter.
We can only change ourselves.
Third, when we release our enemies, we let go of our need to control the outcome. Instead of spending the rest of our lives focused on how our perpetrator needs to change, we can focus on changing ourselves. In the meantime, we get out of the way so that God can work on our enemy's heart.
We change ourselves by learning as much as we can about God's character, and then we imitate him to the best of our ability. We learn, as I have taught in this series, what it takes to humble ourselves before God and others to offer sincere apologies when we hurt people. We follow up our apologies with offers of restitution, and we try our best to learn a lesson so that we don't repeat the same mistakes.
By focusing on our own need for forgiveness, we let go of our preoccupation with our enemy's need for forgiveness. This frees us to go back and clean up the messes that were caused by the original abuse, such as our anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, vengefulness, pride, hatred, and depression.
We should show others how to forgive.
Fourth, we should share these newfound lessons about forgiveness with others. Now that you understand the truth about the forgiveness journey and how you can remove the roadblocks, I hope you'll begin to thrive! When you feel confident, I hope you'll teach the process to others by modeling appropriate forgiveness throughout your life.
I am at peace.
Somewhere along the way, God helped me to let go of the bitterness and anger that I felt toward the people who have deeply hurt me. When I began to pray that he would help me let go of them, my grip on the list of their faults began to loosen.
Today, I am at peace, because I realize that it is not my job to point out my enemies' faults to them. I am the last person they need to hear from regarding how badly they have failed at the forgiveness process. Some therapists advocate confronting abusers to tell them exactly how much they have hurt us. I disagree. God knows what they've done. We can tell him about our hurts and leave our enemies in his capable hands.
I continue to pray that my enemies will learn about the forgiveness process, because it brings such peace. I have released the people who have hurt me into God's hands, and I look forward to the outcomes he is able to bring about in their lives. Perhaps they will come to me someday to show me that they are sincerely sorry. If that happens, we will all rejoice together.
In the meantime, this search for a way to forgive my enemies has led me to the realization that I needed to be humbled. I am not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Holding onto the pain of my past was hurting me far more than it was helping my enemies to see the error of their ways.
Share your insights about forgiveness with me.
Thank you for taking this road trip with me. I value your feedback, so please post your comments here or send them to me at cheryldenton@rocketmail.com.
Join me next week as we begin my new series, Thriving In God's Garden.
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