We are learning this week about how to become more gentle with others as part of my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, I would like us to think about what people lose if they are prone to fits of anger and violent behavior.
Violence gets you nowhere.
Proverbs 11:16 (MSG) makes an excellent point about the advantages of gentleness and the futility of violence. It reads, A woman of gentle grace gets respect, but men of rough violence grab for loot.
This verse shows us that if a woman is kindhearted, she will earn the respect of those around her. In contrast, a man who is violent will never receive respect, even if he is wealthy.
I have known a number of very wealthy men who were also violent. They liked to believe that they had their wives' respect and that all other men wished to be like them. The sad truth is that their wives complained bitterly about them behind their backs, and other men thought they were losers.
As survivors of abuse, we must learn how to discern between men who are violent and those who are gentlemen. Often, wealthy men can create illusions that trap unsuspecting women into believing that they are charming. I learned the hard way that wealth can be a great deceiver. Just because a guy has lots of cash to flash around doesn't mean he's a great catch.
Become a woman of gentle grace.
So what, exactly, is gentle grace? In my mind, a woman with this quality is quiet. She doesn't talk loudly or tell crude jokes. She avoids gossip and only speaks about people positively, both to their faces and behind their backs.
If a gentle woman encounters a violent man, she doesn't cower and allow him to mistreat her. On the other hand, she doesn't get into shouting matches with him, either. She is the type who would calmly tell him that he is not permitted to mistreat her, and then she would walk away. If he continued to hurt her, she would remove herself completely out of harm's way. Out on her own, she would not bad-mouth the violent man. She would simply move on with her life of peace.
I would like to become more gentle, but I've got a long way to go. It's so easy to remember the hurts I've suffered and to speak negatively about those who have hurt me. I pray that God will give me more opportunities to speak positively, in spite of all that I've endured.
Today's Challenge
Are you a woman of gentle grace? If not, how can you become gentler and quieter? Ask God to help you change your reactions to violent people so that you maintain your peace, in spite of their behavior.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Bullies Never Win
Our discussion this week is centered on the concept of gentleness and is a continuation of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, I'd like to concentrate on bullying, since it has become so prevalent in recent years.
We've all met at least one bully.
When I was about four years old, there were two bullies in my neighborhood. One was a teenage boy who approached me one afternoon while I was sitting on my front steps. In his hand, he was carrying the old washing machine hose that my dad had thrown in the trash the night before.
Without provocation, the boy walked up to me and began beating me with that rubber hose. I tried to protect myself by curling up in a ball, but he simply kept hitting me over and over. At the time, I remember wondering why anyone would do something so cruel. Eventually, he stopped, tossed the hose back into the trash can, and walked away.
The second bully I grew up with was a girl who was two years older than I was. Relentlessly, she picked on me during our one-mile walk to and from school. She waited in the bushes until I passed by, and then jumped out to tackle me to the ground. Other days, she tripped me, pinched me, slapped me, or stole my lunch from me.
One afternoon, the bully tried to wrench my lunch box from my hand. That was her first mistake, because that box belonged to my brother. He'd warned me that morning not to lose it or mess it up. For years, I had allowed this girl to pick on me, but I was determined not to let her spoil my brother's favorite lunch box.
With all the strength I could muster, I windmilled her over the head with that metal lunchbox. To my surprise, her knees buckled, and I walked the rest of the way home in peace.
The following day, the bully's sister told me that the family had spent the evening in the emergency room. Apparently, my brother's lunch box had given the bully a concussion. I felt badly for her, but at the same time, my actions brought me some relief: she never picked on me again.
I'm not advocating violence here, but I do wish to make the point that if we allow bullies to pick on us, they will not stop. It is imperative that we find a way to dissuade bullies, either by traveling through life in groups or by involving someone more powerful than the bully to put an end to his actions. This may include supportive friends, neighbors, or even the police.
Scratch a bully, find a victim.
We can all relate to the feelings of helplessness that bullying creates. But do we ever take the time to understand a bully?
A counselor once told me, "Sratch a bully, find a victim." What she meant by that phrase was that if you scratch through the mean surface, most bullies were once themselves victims of bullying or abuse. They don't know how to appropriately express their anger, so they take it out on weaker people.
Understanding the bully does not mean that we condone his actions. But perhaps knowing why he behaves as he does will help us to pray for him to change.
God is never a bully.
We are learning how to be gentle, and one way of doing that is to study God's character. He never bullies anyone.
The story of Job's suffering from significant losses and illness gives us a glimpse into God's character, as well as Job's. In spite of all the challenges that God allowed Job to endure, Job never blamed God for his afflictions.
Job said, "It's true that God is all-powerful, but he doesn't bully innocent people. For the wicked, though, it's a different story— he doesn't give them the time of day, but champions the rights of their victims. He never takes his eyes off the righteous; he honors them lavishly, promotes them endlessly. When things go badly, when affliction and suffering descend, God tells them where they've gone wrong, shows them how their pride has caused their trouble. He forces them to heed his warning, tells them they must repent of their bad life. If they obey and serve him, they'll have a good, long life on easy street. But if they disobey, they'll be cut down in their prime and never know the first thing about life. Angry people without God pile grievance upon grievance, always blaming others for their troubles. Living it up in sexual excesses, virility wasted, they die young. But those who learn from their suffering, God delivers from their suffering.
(Job 36:5 MSG)
Gentle people have learned from their mistakes.
The passage above shows us that we may, at times, come to the conclusion that our troubles were a result of someone else's evil actions or of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. In such instances, we can rely on God to help us understand, as Job did.
At other times, we may suffer as a result of our own sin or pride. During these instances, we must admit that we've gotten ourselves into a jam through our own errors. Then, we must humble ourselves, admit our mistakes, and learn from them. In the process, gentleness grows.
The bully does not take advantage of this learning curve. He remains angry with God, and he takes it out on everyone around him. He continues doing things his own way, without regard for whom he is hurting. His life rarely improves, because he refuses to look inward.
As survivors of abuse, we must make sure that we are continually looking inward. With a spirit of humility and reliance on God's grace, we can admit our faults so that we can grow ever more gentle. And when we encounter bullies, we can pray for them. Developing such wonderful understanding leads us even closer to the gentle spirit we desire.
Today's Challenge
Were you bullied as a child? Write down how you felt at the time and how you responded. What would you do differently today?
We've all met at least one bully.
When I was about four years old, there were two bullies in my neighborhood. One was a teenage boy who approached me one afternoon while I was sitting on my front steps. In his hand, he was carrying the old washing machine hose that my dad had thrown in the trash the night before.
Without provocation, the boy walked up to me and began beating me with that rubber hose. I tried to protect myself by curling up in a ball, but he simply kept hitting me over and over. At the time, I remember wondering why anyone would do something so cruel. Eventually, he stopped, tossed the hose back into the trash can, and walked away.
The second bully I grew up with was a girl who was two years older than I was. Relentlessly, she picked on me during our one-mile walk to and from school. She waited in the bushes until I passed by, and then jumped out to tackle me to the ground. Other days, she tripped me, pinched me, slapped me, or stole my lunch from me.
One afternoon, the bully tried to wrench my lunch box from my hand. That was her first mistake, because that box belonged to my brother. He'd warned me that morning not to lose it or mess it up. For years, I had allowed this girl to pick on me, but I was determined not to let her spoil my brother's favorite lunch box.
With all the strength I could muster, I windmilled her over the head with that metal lunchbox. To my surprise, her knees buckled, and I walked the rest of the way home in peace.
The following day, the bully's sister told me that the family had spent the evening in the emergency room. Apparently, my brother's lunch box had given the bully a concussion. I felt badly for her, but at the same time, my actions brought me some relief: she never picked on me again.
I'm not advocating violence here, but I do wish to make the point that if we allow bullies to pick on us, they will not stop. It is imperative that we find a way to dissuade bullies, either by traveling through life in groups or by involving someone more powerful than the bully to put an end to his actions. This may include supportive friends, neighbors, or even the police.
Scratch a bully, find a victim.
We can all relate to the feelings of helplessness that bullying creates. But do we ever take the time to understand a bully?
A counselor once told me, "Sratch a bully, find a victim." What she meant by that phrase was that if you scratch through the mean surface, most bullies were once themselves victims of bullying or abuse. They don't know how to appropriately express their anger, so they take it out on weaker people.
Understanding the bully does not mean that we condone his actions. But perhaps knowing why he behaves as he does will help us to pray for him to change.
God is never a bully.
We are learning how to be gentle, and one way of doing that is to study God's character. He never bullies anyone.
The story of Job's suffering from significant losses and illness gives us a glimpse into God's character, as well as Job's. In spite of all the challenges that God allowed Job to endure, Job never blamed God for his afflictions.
Job said, "It's true that God is all-powerful, but he doesn't bully innocent people. For the wicked, though, it's a different story— he doesn't give them the time of day, but champions the rights of their victims. He never takes his eyes off the righteous; he honors them lavishly, promotes them endlessly. When things go badly, when affliction and suffering descend, God tells them where they've gone wrong, shows them how their pride has caused their trouble. He forces them to heed his warning, tells them they must repent of their bad life. If they obey and serve him, they'll have a good, long life on easy street. But if they disobey, they'll be cut down in their prime and never know the first thing about life. Angry people without God pile grievance upon grievance, always blaming others for their troubles. Living it up in sexual excesses, virility wasted, they die young. But those who learn from their suffering, God delivers from their suffering.
(Job 36:5 MSG)
Gentle people have learned from their mistakes.
The passage above shows us that we may, at times, come to the conclusion that our troubles were a result of someone else's evil actions or of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. In such instances, we can rely on God to help us understand, as Job did.
At other times, we may suffer as a result of our own sin or pride. During these instances, we must admit that we've gotten ourselves into a jam through our own errors. Then, we must humble ourselves, admit our mistakes, and learn from them. In the process, gentleness grows.
The bully does not take advantage of this learning curve. He remains angry with God, and he takes it out on everyone around him. He continues doing things his own way, without regard for whom he is hurting. His life rarely improves, because he refuses to look inward.
As survivors of abuse, we must make sure that we are continually looking inward. With a spirit of humility and reliance on God's grace, we can admit our faults so that we can grow ever more gentle. And when we encounter bullies, we can pray for them. Developing such wonderful understanding leads us even closer to the gentle spirit we desire.
Today's Challenge
Were you bullied as a child? Write down how you felt at the time and how you responded. What would you do differently today?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Beauty of a Gentle Spirit
This week, we are learning about gentleness in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, we look at the importance of inner beauty and the deceitfulness of outer beauty.
True beauty starts on the inside.
The apostle, Peter, wrote about women's beauty in a letter to the early Christian church. Some denominations believe that these are specific rules against certain outward appearances, but I think Peter had a bigger message in mind.
He wrote, Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (I Peter 3:3-4 NIV)
This passage does not mean that we should quit braiding our hair, put on frumpy clothes, or sell all of our bling. Peter simply used these examples to make the point that we can't rely on our outer beauty if we are ugly on the inside.
Develop a gentle spirit.
As survivors of abuse, we frequently feel that we are ugly. Our shame causes us to feel inferior to others, whom we may admire for their outer beauty.
We may try to compensate for the way we feel about ourselves by going overboard with extreme hairstyles, excessive makeup, or tons of jewelry. We cannot rely on these outer adornments to express our beauty. No amount of make-up, jewelry, or clothing will make us beautiful if we are filled with bitterness, revenge, or hatred.
God created us in his own image, and he loves us in spite of our flaws. When we learn to accept God's love, our inner beauty begins to grow. A quiet spirit brings us inner peace, which radiates gentle beauty from the inside.
Please don't misunderstand here what is being said about outer appearances. Peter did not mean to imply that we should neglect our personal grooming. Clean skin, healthy teeth, a stylish haircut, and modest clothing and accessories all go a long way toward helping us feel as if we have our act together.
Don't be a rotten melon.
Have you ever gone to the grocery to purchase a beautiful green watermelon, taken it home for a family picnic, and discovered that it had turned to mush on the inside? Like a rotten melon, the bigger point of Peter's message is that outer beauty is worthless without inner goodness. God desires for us to work much harder on our inner beauty than on outward appearances.
Today's Challenge
Take time today for a check-up of both your inner and outer beauty. How much time are you spending on the development of inner beauty, which comes from a gentle and quiet spirit? Are you taking care of your appearance with good grooming? Or are you trying to compensate for low self-worth by over-dressing? Make a commitment today to develop a gentle and quiet spirit through Bible study and fellowship with other mature Christians so that you can glow from the inside out.
True beauty starts on the inside.
The apostle, Peter, wrote about women's beauty in a letter to the early Christian church. Some denominations believe that these are specific rules against certain outward appearances, but I think Peter had a bigger message in mind.
He wrote, Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (I Peter 3:3-4 NIV)
This passage does not mean that we should quit braiding our hair, put on frumpy clothes, or sell all of our bling. Peter simply used these examples to make the point that we can't rely on our outer beauty if we are ugly on the inside.
Develop a gentle spirit.
As survivors of abuse, we frequently feel that we are ugly. Our shame causes us to feel inferior to others, whom we may admire for their outer beauty.
We may try to compensate for the way we feel about ourselves by going overboard with extreme hairstyles, excessive makeup, or tons of jewelry. We cannot rely on these outer adornments to express our beauty. No amount of make-up, jewelry, or clothing will make us beautiful if we are filled with bitterness, revenge, or hatred.
God created us in his own image, and he loves us in spite of our flaws. When we learn to accept God's love, our inner beauty begins to grow. A quiet spirit brings us inner peace, which radiates gentle beauty from the inside.
Please don't misunderstand here what is being said about outer appearances. Peter did not mean to imply that we should neglect our personal grooming. Clean skin, healthy teeth, a stylish haircut, and modest clothing and accessories all go a long way toward helping us feel as if we have our act together.
Don't be a rotten melon.
Have you ever gone to the grocery to purchase a beautiful green watermelon, taken it home for a family picnic, and discovered that it had turned to mush on the inside? Like a rotten melon, the bigger point of Peter's message is that outer beauty is worthless without inner goodness. God desires for us to work much harder on our inner beauty than on outward appearances.
Today's Challenge
Take time today for a check-up of both your inner and outer beauty. How much time are you spending on the development of inner beauty, which comes from a gentle and quiet spirit? Are you taking care of your appearance with good grooming? Or are you trying to compensate for low self-worth by over-dressing? Make a commitment today to develop a gentle and quiet spirit through Bible study and fellowship with other mature Christians so that you can glow from the inside out.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Be Gentle With Your Words
This week, we are learning how to become more gentle people, and today I would like to address the issue of how our speech affects others. This is a continuation of my series, Thriving in God's Garden.
Don't devour your neighbor.
The apostle Paul wrote the book of Galatians as a letter which was addressed to a group of early Christians. They were bickering over whether following the law or finding freedom in the Gospel was the way to heaven.
Paul wrote to them, "Love your neighbor as yourself. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Gal. 5:15 NIV)
The image of biting and devouring other people seems pretty gruesome, but that is exactly what we are doing when we talk to one another with sarcasm. The dictionary defines sarcasm as a sharply mocking or contemptuously ironic remark intended to wound another. In Greek, the word sarkasmos means to bite the lips in rage.
Sarcasm is a cover-up for bitterness.
I know a family who uses sarcasm constantly. They tease one another mercilessly and make very unkind remarks among themselves about the faults of the weaker members. Whenever I am with them, I feel terrible for the people who are the brunt of the unkind jokes. It is easy to see that the sarcastic remarks stem from bitterness over old hurts that should have been resolved years ago.
When I raise objections about these types of conversations with this family, they grin and say it's all just fun and games. While it may be fun for the one tearing someone else apart, I doubt that it's very pleasant for the weaker ones suffering the flesh-tearing verbal assaults.
Sarcasm has no place in our lives if we want to learn to be more gentle people. Unkind words that poke fun at others may make people laugh on late-night TV, but they're not appropriate within the family context. Someone must always be the butt of the joke, and I don't believe they can escape feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, or humiliation as a result.
When my children were young, I intervened whenever sarcastic cracks were made between them. Sarcasm is a form of verbal abuse, and I find it completely unacceptable. I refuse to tolerate it.
Sarcasm is not how we express love.
As survivors of either childhood or marital abuse, many of us know how it feels to be put down with sarcasm. It hurts, and the wounds left behind are difficult to heal. We may grow up believing that this is how families express love to one another, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Whenever I meet someone who is very sarcastic, it doesn't take long to peel back the layers of hurt and find a person who was deeply wounded in childhood. They are often angry and have never learned how to express their rage. Sarcasm allows them to throw out barbs under the guise of humor, but anyone with some sensitivity can see beyond the jokes to the underlying pain.
Be gentle with your words.
There are many ways to laugh together without being sarcastic or poking fun at individuals or entire people groups. Comedy comes in many forms, and some jokes are funny without being bitter.
We can laugh over lots of things besides stupid jokes, too. The antics of our pets and children can make us laugh out loud. Overflowing joy can bring a smile to our faces if we experience something wonderful, such as an exhilarating parasail ride, a run down a powdery ski slope, or a dash through the sprinkler out on the front lawn.
We all need to find ways to use words to build up and encourage one another. We must walk away from conversations where others are bitterly pouring out sarcasm. Perhaps this means turning off the TV or walking out of a comedy show where actors are putting down people, including those in the audience. If we're feeling really courageous, we can stick up for someone who's the brunt of a mean joke. We'll feel better, and I'm sure others will, too.
Today's Challenge
Are you the brunt of a sarcastic abuser's jokes? Or are you the one dishing out the pain with unkind sarcasm? Make a commitment today to become a gentler person by giving up all forms of sarcasm. Refuse to accept it or dole it out.
Don't devour your neighbor.
The apostle Paul wrote the book of Galatians as a letter which was addressed to a group of early Christians. They were bickering over whether following the law or finding freedom in the Gospel was the way to heaven.
Paul wrote to them, "Love your neighbor as yourself. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Gal. 5:15 NIV)
The image of biting and devouring other people seems pretty gruesome, but that is exactly what we are doing when we talk to one another with sarcasm. The dictionary defines sarcasm as a sharply mocking or contemptuously ironic remark intended to wound another. In Greek, the word sarkasmos means to bite the lips in rage.
Sarcasm is a cover-up for bitterness.
I know a family who uses sarcasm constantly. They tease one another mercilessly and make very unkind remarks among themselves about the faults of the weaker members. Whenever I am with them, I feel terrible for the people who are the brunt of the unkind jokes. It is easy to see that the sarcastic remarks stem from bitterness over old hurts that should have been resolved years ago.
When I raise objections about these types of conversations with this family, they grin and say it's all just fun and games. While it may be fun for the one tearing someone else apart, I doubt that it's very pleasant for the weaker ones suffering the flesh-tearing verbal assaults.
Sarcasm has no place in our lives if we want to learn to be more gentle people. Unkind words that poke fun at others may make people laugh on late-night TV, but they're not appropriate within the family context. Someone must always be the butt of the joke, and I don't believe they can escape feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, or humiliation as a result.
When my children were young, I intervened whenever sarcastic cracks were made between them. Sarcasm is a form of verbal abuse, and I find it completely unacceptable. I refuse to tolerate it.
Sarcasm is not how we express love.
As survivors of either childhood or marital abuse, many of us know how it feels to be put down with sarcasm. It hurts, and the wounds left behind are difficult to heal. We may grow up believing that this is how families express love to one another, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Whenever I meet someone who is very sarcastic, it doesn't take long to peel back the layers of hurt and find a person who was deeply wounded in childhood. They are often angry and have never learned how to express their rage. Sarcasm allows them to throw out barbs under the guise of humor, but anyone with some sensitivity can see beyond the jokes to the underlying pain.
Be gentle with your words.
There are many ways to laugh together without being sarcastic or poking fun at individuals or entire people groups. Comedy comes in many forms, and some jokes are funny without being bitter.
We can laugh over lots of things besides stupid jokes, too. The antics of our pets and children can make us laugh out loud. Overflowing joy can bring a smile to our faces if we experience something wonderful, such as an exhilarating parasail ride, a run down a powdery ski slope, or a dash through the sprinkler out on the front lawn.
We all need to find ways to use words to build up and encourage one another. We must walk away from conversations where others are bitterly pouring out sarcasm. Perhaps this means turning off the TV or walking out of a comedy show where actors are putting down people, including those in the audience. If we're feeling really courageous, we can stick up for someone who's the brunt of a mean joke. We'll feel better, and I'm sure others will, too.
Today's Challenge
Are you the brunt of a sarcastic abuser's jokes? Or are you the one dishing out the pain with unkind sarcasm? Make a commitment today to become a gentler person by giving up all forms of sarcasm. Refuse to accept it or dole it out.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Teach Faithfulness
We conclude this week’s thoughts about faithfulness with some insights about teaching others how to become more faithful. This is a continuation of my series, Thriving in God’s Garden, which is based on Galatians 5:22. Next week, we will learn about how to be more gentle.
Become a woman of excellence.
Proverbs 31:10-31 has been my greatest source of guidance over the years. As a woman, this passage leads me in the ways that God wants me to go. It describes how I should aspire to live as a Christian wife. I think it can be applied to any woman, young or old, married or single.
Proverbs 31:26 (NIV) reads, She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Notice that God puts wisdom ahead of faithful instruction in this passage. Older, more mature women are called upon to teach younger ones how to live quiet lives that are pleasing to God. Our cumulative life experiences usually make us better equipped to teach others, primarily through the wisdom we have learned from making mistakes along the way.
I have been on a pathway of learning for many years, and there is still much that I don’t know. But when I do understand something through a combination of experiences and studying the Bible, I try to share my wisdom with others. This blog is one example of my faithfulness in teaching God’s wisdom to others.
What do you know?
Each one of us has been equipped with special talents and gifts. Those abilities should be used whenever possible to encourage others. What have you learned as a result of the challenges life has thrown your way?
Most survivors of abuse don’t feel that they are very worthy. They believe that they have little to offer, because their abusers stripped them of all self-confidence. But the fact is that most people who have survived childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, or other traumas are usually much stronger in the long run than the average person. We can be far more resilient, hopeful, determined, and resourceful than most others can if we recover well. The very fact that we survived abuse speaks volumes about our emotional strength.
Galatians 5:22 (NIV) tells us that we should be exhibiting behaviors that are more and more Christ-like as we mature. These characteristics (the fruit of the Spirit) include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Which ones do you feel are your strongest traits? How can you teach what you know to someone else?
Find a place to share your wisdom with others.
The best way to put this lesson into practice is to find a place to serve where we can faithfully teach others what we know. I lead a small group of women in making quilts for terminally ill patients at the hospitals in our community. My friend enjoys teaching young wives how to cook. No matter who we are, or how much we have suffered, God has given us something unique to share with the world. Where can you serve?
Today’s Challenge
Read Proverbs 31:10-31. You can find it at www.biblegateway.com if you don’t have a Bible. Consider the many talents described in this beautiful passage of Scripture. Which gift can you share with someone else? Choose one of your spiritual gifts today and begin faithfully teaching it to others through your actions or through direct instruction.
Become a woman of excellence.
Proverbs 31:10-31 has been my greatest source of guidance over the years. As a woman, this passage leads me in the ways that God wants me to go. It describes how I should aspire to live as a Christian wife. I think it can be applied to any woman, young or old, married or single.
Proverbs 31:26 (NIV) reads, She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Notice that God puts wisdom ahead of faithful instruction in this passage. Older, more mature women are called upon to teach younger ones how to live quiet lives that are pleasing to God. Our cumulative life experiences usually make us better equipped to teach others, primarily through the wisdom we have learned from making mistakes along the way.
I have been on a pathway of learning for many years, and there is still much that I don’t know. But when I do understand something through a combination of experiences and studying the Bible, I try to share my wisdom with others. This blog is one example of my faithfulness in teaching God’s wisdom to others.
What do you know?
Each one of us has been equipped with special talents and gifts. Those abilities should be used whenever possible to encourage others. What have you learned as a result of the challenges life has thrown your way?
Most survivors of abuse don’t feel that they are very worthy. They believe that they have little to offer, because their abusers stripped them of all self-confidence. But the fact is that most people who have survived childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, or other traumas are usually much stronger in the long run than the average person. We can be far more resilient, hopeful, determined, and resourceful than most others can if we recover well. The very fact that we survived abuse speaks volumes about our emotional strength.
Galatians 5:22 (NIV) tells us that we should be exhibiting behaviors that are more and more Christ-like as we mature. These characteristics (the fruit of the Spirit) include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Which ones do you feel are your strongest traits? How can you teach what you know to someone else?
Find a place to share your wisdom with others.
The best way to put this lesson into practice is to find a place to serve where we can faithfully teach others what we know. I lead a small group of women in making quilts for terminally ill patients at the hospitals in our community. My friend enjoys teaching young wives how to cook. No matter who we are, or how much we have suffered, God has given us something unique to share with the world. Where can you serve?
Today’s Challenge
Read Proverbs 31:10-31. You can find it at www.biblegateway.com if you don’t have a Bible. Consider the many talents described in this beautiful passage of Scripture. Which gift can you share with someone else? Choose one of your spiritual gifts today and begin faithfully teaching it to others through your actions or through direct instruction.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Faithfulness Builds Security
We are in week seven of my nine-week series, Thriving in God’s Garden. It is based on Galatians 5:22, the 'fruit' of the Spirit. This week, we are learning about faithfulness, and today I would like to get you thinking about building security through faithfulness.
Kings are great diplomats.
Proverbs 20:28 (NIV) tells us, Love and faithfulness keep a king safe; through love his throne is made secure. Kings who are wise build strong alliances with their subjects, as well as neighboring countries, by treating others with benevolence and kindness. As a result, the people become endeared to a great leader and remain his loyal supporters.
Our faithfulness toward others builds loyalty.
When we faithfully treat our friends and family with love and kindness, just as the wise king did in the passage above, we become endeared to them. As a result, when we are sick or in trouble, we can count on our friends to help us. If we have friends who stand by us through life’s ups and downs, we are probably the type of people who have worked hard to earn that loyalty. We understand faithfulness.
As survivors, it is often difficult to remain faithful.
Many of us struggle with remaining faithful to our relationships, because abuse or trauma can make us fearful and controlling. This is a particularly common outcome in people who were sexually abused in early childhood. Having no control over our bodies when we were young keeps us perpetually on our toes to make sure that no one hurts us again.
The trouble with this type of hyper-vigilant behavior is that it pushes away the very people we most want as our loyal supporters. If they are honest with us, we may hear from them that we are very bossy, perfectionistic, demanding, or controlling. We may marry or make friends with people who tend to be very passive, because most other people can’t stand our need to be in charge.
Because we don’t know how to back off and let others be themselves, we often find it easier to leave a relationship than to remain faithful to it. While we yearn for security, we often unwittingly destroy it by running from our commitments.
The only person we can control is ourselves.
Abuse victims generally take one of three directions:
1) they become abusers;
2) they rescue others; or
3) they remain victims.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably working your way out of the third category, because you realize that being victimized for the rest of time is not a worthwhile endeavor. And my guess is that you’re probably not an abuser, or you wouldn’t be interested in what I have to say about surviving abuse.
That leaves most of us in that category of rescuing, which places us in a position of constantly searching for ways to improve everyone around us…even when they don’t ask for our help. This gets us into a great deal of trouble, because we focus too much on others’ faults and nowhere near enough on our own.
I had the privilege many years ago of attending Al-Anon for Adult Children of Alcoholics. There, I learned the slogan, detach with love. This concept made little sense to me at first, because I felt that it meant my abusers were no longer responsible for their actions if I quit trying to control them. But, eventually I figured out that to detach with love means that I must mind my own business and let others mind theirs. I must let go and let God help my abusers work out their own issues.
Quit rescuing and start living your own life.
When we quit trying to save the rest of the world from their problems, we discover that we have far more time and energy to devote to our own issues. Our relationships with friends and family members improve, because we are no longer annoying everyone we encounter with our unsolicited advice.
I know that detaching with love is a difficult task, because it has always been my greatest battle. When I control, I drive away the people I love the most. And when that happens, I feel really depressed. There are times when I have considered walking away from my life to live in solitude, because it feels as if it would simply be easier.
I would like to encourage you to work toward growing in the area of faithfulness. Instead of giving up on a spouse or a friend, find a way to detach with love. Get your own career off the ground and take your focus off your mate’s. Quit hovering over your children and free them to be themselves.
This detachment/faithfulness combination may feel as strange to you as breathing underwater, but I can tell you that it works to build the loyalty of friends and family members. I have found much greater peace by concerning myself with my own life and letting others live their own than I have ever found in trying to rescue or fix others’ problems.
Today’s Challenge
Are you a rescuer? Do you find yourself constantly nagging someone else to change or improve? Give up those behaviors and start looking inward for ways to build the fruit of the Spirit. Remain faithful to those you love and set them free to become whoever God created them to be. In doing so, you will create security within a network of supportive relationships.
Kings are great diplomats.
Proverbs 20:28 (NIV) tells us, Love and faithfulness keep a king safe; through love his throne is made secure. Kings who are wise build strong alliances with their subjects, as well as neighboring countries, by treating others with benevolence and kindness. As a result, the people become endeared to a great leader and remain his loyal supporters.
Our faithfulness toward others builds loyalty.
When we faithfully treat our friends and family with love and kindness, just as the wise king did in the passage above, we become endeared to them. As a result, when we are sick or in trouble, we can count on our friends to help us. If we have friends who stand by us through life’s ups and downs, we are probably the type of people who have worked hard to earn that loyalty. We understand faithfulness.
As survivors, it is often difficult to remain faithful.
Many of us struggle with remaining faithful to our relationships, because abuse or trauma can make us fearful and controlling. This is a particularly common outcome in people who were sexually abused in early childhood. Having no control over our bodies when we were young keeps us perpetually on our toes to make sure that no one hurts us again.
The trouble with this type of hyper-vigilant behavior is that it pushes away the very people we most want as our loyal supporters. If they are honest with us, we may hear from them that we are very bossy, perfectionistic, demanding, or controlling. We may marry or make friends with people who tend to be very passive, because most other people can’t stand our need to be in charge.
Because we don’t know how to back off and let others be themselves, we often find it easier to leave a relationship than to remain faithful to it. While we yearn for security, we often unwittingly destroy it by running from our commitments.
The only person we can control is ourselves.
Abuse victims generally take one of three directions:
1) they become abusers;
2) they rescue others; or
3) they remain victims.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably working your way out of the third category, because you realize that being victimized for the rest of time is not a worthwhile endeavor. And my guess is that you’re probably not an abuser, or you wouldn’t be interested in what I have to say about surviving abuse.
That leaves most of us in that category of rescuing, which places us in a position of constantly searching for ways to improve everyone around us…even when they don’t ask for our help. This gets us into a great deal of trouble, because we focus too much on others’ faults and nowhere near enough on our own.
I had the privilege many years ago of attending Al-Anon for Adult Children of Alcoholics. There, I learned the slogan, detach with love. This concept made little sense to me at first, because I felt that it meant my abusers were no longer responsible for their actions if I quit trying to control them. But, eventually I figured out that to detach with love means that I must mind my own business and let others mind theirs. I must let go and let God help my abusers work out their own issues.
Quit rescuing and start living your own life.
When we quit trying to save the rest of the world from their problems, we discover that we have far more time and energy to devote to our own issues. Our relationships with friends and family members improve, because we are no longer annoying everyone we encounter with our unsolicited advice.
I know that detaching with love is a difficult task, because it has always been my greatest battle. When I control, I drive away the people I love the most. And when that happens, I feel really depressed. There are times when I have considered walking away from my life to live in solitude, because it feels as if it would simply be easier.
I would like to encourage you to work toward growing in the area of faithfulness. Instead of giving up on a spouse or a friend, find a way to detach with love. Get your own career off the ground and take your focus off your mate’s. Quit hovering over your children and free them to be themselves.
This detachment/faithfulness combination may feel as strange to you as breathing underwater, but I can tell you that it works to build the loyalty of friends and family members. I have found much greater peace by concerning myself with my own life and letting others live their own than I have ever found in trying to rescue or fix others’ problems.
Today’s Challenge
Are you a rescuer? Do you find yourself constantly nagging someone else to change or improve? Give up those behaviors and start looking inward for ways to build the fruit of the Spirit. Remain faithful to those you love and set them free to become whoever God created them to be. In doing so, you will create security within a network of supportive relationships.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Rewards of Faithfulness
We continue with our series, Thriving in God's Garden, which is based on Galatians 5:22. Today, I would like to touch upon the rewards which we receive when we are faithful.
Well done!
God has designed each of us with a specific purpose and placed us here on earth to fulfill his plans for us. When we carry out his plans in a responsible way, God rewards us with greater responsiblities.
Matthew 25:21 (NIV) reads, "...Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"
This passage comes from a story about three servants. The first was faithful in earning a great deal of interest on his master's money. The second servant earned slightly less, and the third one buried his master's money because he was fearful. The money earned no interest, and the servant's fearful behavior earned him an upbraiding.
Fearfulness thwarts faithfulness.
As survivors of abuse and trauma, we frequently miss out on the blessings that God wants to give us. Often, fearfulness holds us back from faithfully using the unique gifts that God has given us.
For many years, a fear of writing the truth about childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence paralyzed me as an author. Creating this blog was a terrifying undertaking. I felt certain that something dreadful would happen to me within minutes of posting my first article.
Faithfulness in small things brings great rewards.
To my surprise, readers began sending me encouraging comments. Many of them urged me to keep writing, because they found my posts so helpful. The feedback showed me that if I remained silent, many people would miss out on the wisdom I had gained over the years. Today, I find writing about abuse and trauma very easy, and I don't self-censor as I used to do.
I took a step of faith and began with my blog. After nearly a year of faithfully writing, God has rewarded me with an even greater task. Soon, my first novel about a woman suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder will be available online, as well as in bookstores. Among the Ashes is the result of many years of self-discovery, both as a survivor and an author.
Take a baby step.
Everyone must start out in their careers or areas of volunteer work with baby steps. Whether we aspire to become a respected leader in our community, an accomplished author, or President of the United States; we all start out the same way. Small tasks, carried out faithfully, will earn us the privilege of sharing in God's bigger tasks.
Today's Challenge
Why are you here? Are you fulfilling God's purpose for your life? If you know what that purpose is and you're not using it, how can you activate your talents? If fear is holding you back, start with something small. Volunteer at a church, school, community group, or medical center. Take on something easy and faithfully carry out your tasks. In time, God will reward you with greater responsibilities that will help you fulfill your purpose.
Well done!
God has designed each of us with a specific purpose and placed us here on earth to fulfill his plans for us. When we carry out his plans in a responsible way, God rewards us with greater responsiblities.
Matthew 25:21 (NIV) reads, "...Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"
This passage comes from a story about three servants. The first was faithful in earning a great deal of interest on his master's money. The second servant earned slightly less, and the third one buried his master's money because he was fearful. The money earned no interest, and the servant's fearful behavior earned him an upbraiding.
Fearfulness thwarts faithfulness.
As survivors of abuse and trauma, we frequently miss out on the blessings that God wants to give us. Often, fearfulness holds us back from faithfully using the unique gifts that God has given us.
For many years, a fear of writing the truth about childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence paralyzed me as an author. Creating this blog was a terrifying undertaking. I felt certain that something dreadful would happen to me within minutes of posting my first article.
Faithfulness in small things brings great rewards.
To my surprise, readers began sending me encouraging comments. Many of them urged me to keep writing, because they found my posts so helpful. The feedback showed me that if I remained silent, many people would miss out on the wisdom I had gained over the years. Today, I find writing about abuse and trauma very easy, and I don't self-censor as I used to do.
I took a step of faith and began with my blog. After nearly a year of faithfully writing, God has rewarded me with an even greater task. Soon, my first novel about a woman suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder will be available online, as well as in bookstores. Among the Ashes is the result of many years of self-discovery, both as a survivor and an author.
Take a baby step.
Everyone must start out in their careers or areas of volunteer work with baby steps. Whether we aspire to become a respected leader in our community, an accomplished author, or President of the United States; we all start out the same way. Small tasks, carried out faithfully, will earn us the privilege of sharing in God's bigger tasks.
Today's Challenge
Why are you here? Are you fulfilling God's purpose for your life? If you know what that purpose is and you're not using it, how can you activate your talents? If fear is holding you back, start with something small. Volunteer at a church, school, community group, or medical center. Take on something easy and faithfully carry out your tasks. In time, God will reward you with greater responsibilities that will help you fulfill your purpose.
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