Decorate to Express Your Personality

As survivors of abuse and trauma, we are learning how to become more confident during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, we take a look at how we express ourselves with our decorating style.

Does your interior decor express the true you?
Cleanliness and organization are pretty basic, so let's delve deeper into how we express ourselves through the design of our homes and work places. Do both your home and your work space give people an idea of who you are? Or are you expressing your spouse's personality more than your own? Do you even know enough about yourself to say that you prefer certain styles over others?

When we moved to our lake house a couple of years ago, I decided that I was not going to allow Joe's tastes in interior design to overshadow mine. He loves heavy, claw-footed antiques, dark fabrics, and leather. This style feels oppressive to me, and I had been living with it for nearly ten years.

There's an enormous rose bush with hot pink blooms growing outside our front door, so I decided that I would extend that theme into the house. No, I didn't paint all of the walls pink, but I do believe that my house says a lot about who I am.

I have always loved the English cottage style, so I chose lace curtains, cotton fabrics with roses on them, and subtle shades of gold, green, wine, and pink in every room. The only room that does not include pink is Joe's study, where his heavy, clawfoot desk remains with his dark cherry book shelves.

My house is both my home and my work space. By making it a place where I feel that I can express myself freely through the decorating style, I have become more confident when people come to visit.

Today's Challenge
Do you feel at home in your house or work place? Of have you allowed someone else's tastes to dictate how it will look? Did a designer convince you to decorate in a way that makes you feel out of sorts? Do whatever it takes to make your house and your work environment put you at ease. Feeling confident in your own surroundings puts you on the path of success every time you walk through the door.

Who Does Your Home Say You Are?

As survivors of abuse and trauma, we are learning how to become more bold during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Yesterday, we considered how we express our personalities through our clothing. Today, I'd like to address personality expression in our homes and work places.

What does our environment tell others about us?
If our houses haven't been cleaned in years, and we have papers and boxes stacked up to the ceiling and in every corner, people get a definite impression about us. They may come to the conclusion that we're hoarders, or think that we're lazy, or perhaps understand that depression may make it difficult for us to get our homes in order.

I just finished talking with a cleaning woman about working for me. Whenever a professional like this comes into my house, I wonder what she thinks about me as a homemaker. How do I stack up against all of the other home owners that she serves? Can she see beyond the clutter and dust that I do care about how my home appears?

If someone walked into your house unexpectedly right now, would you feel embarrassed or confident? If your supervisor walked into your work zone without warning, would you be frantically trying to tidy up, or would you greet him confidently?

If the way we care for our homes or work spaces shames us, we must take measures to change things. In every area of our lives, our confidence can take a hit, without our even realizing it. Creating simplicity and tidy systems of organization at home and at work can really boost our self-esteem.

God's house reveals his personality.
Bible verses and people who have had near-death experiences tell us a lot about God's home for us in heaven. The streets are paved with gold, and there is a mansion there with many rooms. Heaven's residents are at peace, and beautiful music can be heard everywhere.

Psalm 26:8 (MSG) reads, God, I love living with you; your house glows with your glory. As a believer in Christ, I know that God's home here on earth is within our hearts. But when I look around my house, I frequently wonder how Jesus would feel if he stopped by for lunch. I am fairly confident that he feels at ease within my heart most of the time, but does my environment give him reason to say that he loves living with me?

Today's Challenge
Look at your home and your work space through another's eyes. What do these places say about you? Is it time to hire someone to help you de-clutter and keep things clean? If you can't afford help, ask a friend to work together with you every week or so for an hour or two until you get your environment to express the true you.

Express Your True Personality

We are learning how to improve our self-esteem through my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I would like to address the importance of expressing our true personalities.

Who do you say you are?
I believe that there are two ways for us to express our true personalities without ever opening our mouths. The first way lies in the way we dress, and the second in the way we structure our environments at home and at work. Today, we'll take a look at clothing styles, and tomorrow, we'll think about what our homes and offices tells others about us.

Who do your clothes say you are?
Our clothing reflects to the world who we believe we are. If we skip the shower and schlep into some holey sweat pants and a dirty t-shirt, we're letting the world know that we're either too tired or too depressed to care about much of anything.

If, as 50-year-olds, we go out into the world wearing mini skirts, 6-inch heels, and low-cut tops, we may be sending the message that we're trying too hard to recapture our youth or we're desperately hoping for a date.

At the opposite extreme, if we don ankle-length denim skirts, long sleeve blouses buttoned up to the throat, along with white Keds sneakers, we're letting the world know that we are highly conservative and extremely modest.

Why do we choose to dress the way we do? Whether we're the couch potato, the siren, or the ultra-conservative doesn't matter, as long as our clothing expresses who we truly are.

Many of us dress as we do, because we believe it's what our culture expects of us. We want to fit in, and we may end up looking like our neighbors or co-workers. The problem is, we may lose our true identities by becoming overly generic.

Dare to be different.
What if we move to a highly conservative town where everyone happens to wear khaki pants and polo shirts? Do we have to conform, or can we be ourselves? If we want to feel confident, I believe we must express who we truly are by choosing to wear whatever we want, as long as it doesn't draw inappropriate attention and isn't an excuse for updating our 1980s wardrobe.

I've mentioned before that where I live, most people see dressing up as putting on a pair of jeans and a clean t-shirt. I can't stand to go out into the world dressed like that, so I dare to be different.

I attended a seminar last weekend, wearing white capri pants and a pretty top. I had accessorized with a long beaded necklace and dangling black earrings. In a room full of people wearing jeans and t-shirts, I stood out from the crowd. Even though I knew nothing more than the rest of the attendees, people kept flocking around me all day to ask me for advice.

Why? I don't think it was because of the clothes, although I believe an attractively dressed woman does draw some attention. No, I think it has a lot more to do with the air of confidence that I exude when I feel good about how I look in those clothes.

People are attracted to others who look confident. It makes them think we're successsful, and they want what we have. And when everyone in the room is hovering around us because we seem like the most courageous person in the room, our confidence really gets a shot in the arm.

The Bible says that the world will follow confident people.
The apostles, Peter and John, were confident in a crowd, not because of their clothing, but because of their complete belief in the message they had to share about Jesus.

Acts 4:13 (MSG) tells us, They [the crowd] couldn't take their eyes off them—Peter and John standing there so confident, so sure of themselves! Their fascination deepened when they realized these two were laymen with no training in Scripture or formal education.

Even though Peter and John were not formally trained in theology, people were fascinated by what they had to say, simply because they exuded so much confidence! People were willing to listen to them and follow them around, just because they were so sure of themselves.

So, if we need to switch out our clothing to find our groove, let's do it! Dressing in a manner that truly expresses who we are gives us the confidence to stand out in a crowd.

Today's Challenge
Take some time today to look in a mirror and consider your clothing. Are you dressing to fit in with those around you? Or are you bold enough to dress in a way that expresses who you truly are? If you're looking generic, go shopping and try on different styles of clothing. Figure out which outfit expresses the true you and take it home. Take note when you wear your new clothing whether or not it boosts your confidence.

What Makes You Light Up?

We are learning how to be more courageous through my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I would like to consider the one thing in our lives that makes us light up on the inside like nothing else does. When we discover it, our confidence soars.

Pay attention to your soul's passion.
For each of us, there is one thing that really lights up our soul when we do it. In my case, that one thing is writing. When I sit down at the computer, words flow effortlessly. I lose track of time when working on novels, and I spend all of my free time daydreaming about my next plot twist or point of growth in a character.

That one thing that lights up our soul is the reason why we were sent to earth. It is our life's purpose. When we focus on fulfilling our purpose in this world, our confidence soars. Why? Because God has wired us to do this one thing better than anyone else can.

Many things bring us pleasure, but only one pursuit lights our fire.
We often get confused about what our purpose is, because many things bring us pleasure. In my case, I love playing the piano, dancing with a strong lead, and singing. Jumping over a six-foot brick wall on the back of a horse gives me a charge, and so does snuggling up on the sofa with my poodle.

But none of these things fulfill me as much as writing does. These activities fill my heart with joy, but I don't feel that the world would be worse off if I didn't pursue them.

I do, however, believe that without my voice, many survivors of abuse and trauma would continue to suffer. Knowing that I am helping a fellow survivor to thrive brings me incredible peace. When I hear from my readers that my words have encouraged them, my heart finds incredible joy.

Three tests for discovering our life's purpose
While many pursuits bring me pleasure, they are not my life's purpose. How do I know? There are three tests in figuring out what our purpose is:

1. It is something that consumes our thoughts during the day, enters into our dreams at night, and wakes us up with brilliant new insights most mornings.

2. It is an activity that we would be willing to engage in for at least eight hours every day for the rest of our lives, without ever getting tired of it. We lose all track of time when fulfilling our purpose.

3. We feel so passionate about our need to engage in this activity that we would be willing to do it without pay or recognition. There is a void in the world that we feel must be fulfilled, and we recognize that if we don't do it, no one else will.

God is the source of our soul's passion.
Jesus tells us in John 15:5 (MSG) I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.

This doesn't mean that we're supposed to literally grow grapes. Jesus used figures of speech to make many important points. His message here reminds us that we will discover our life's passion when we spend time daily reading the Bible and praying for direction. And once the Lord has revealed to us what we're supposed to be doing, he'll provide abundant success for us, as long as we remain firmly connected to him.

Today's Challenge
Have you identified your life's purpose? If not, begin thinking about which activities bring you pleasure. Take note of what you're dreaming about doing, and consider whether or not an activity is so important to you that you would do it all day long without pay. Ask God to direct you to that one thing which will light up your soul.

Give Yourself Credit for Past Successes

Welcome back to my series, Confident in God's Hands. We are learning how to build our self-esteem through practical changes which all of us can implement. Today, we are going to take a look at past successes.

Focus on the success, not the fear.
When I was a kindergarten teacher, I frequently encountered mothers who were very worried about their younger children, not the ones in my class. They would tell me that my current student had been potty trained early, and with little difficulty. But the sibling was months overdue...as far as the mother was concerned...in mastering the use of the potty.

I would always ask these mothers the same question: "Are you potty trained?"

They would inevitably laugh and say, "Of course!"

I would tell them, "You and I are both potty trained. Your kindergarten student is, too. The odds are good that this second child will eventually succeed...in his own time."

Like nervous mothers of pre-schoolers, we fear that we will never succeed at something which is important to us. We compare ourselves to others and become completely neurotic if we haven't done as well as our peers in the same period of time. This is ridiculous, and we must stop if we are going to ever achieve the success that God wants for us.

When does God want us to succeed?
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (MSG) tells us, There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth. God's timing always seems to be completely contrary to ours. We pin ourselves down to a schedule for succeeding and wind up making ourselves feel like failures when we don't reach our goals. This practice keeps us focused on failure, instead of success.

We must focus on our ability to succeed, not on our fears or our deadlines. Both can completely destroy our confidence. By looking back at our past successes and giving ourselves a little latitude with timing, we can think ourselves into future success.

Set goals, but remember past achievements, too.
It's great to set achievable goals and to put end dates on them, as long as we don't beat ourselves up if we're a little overdue. When we get hung up on what seems to be a failure, we must look back at what we've achieved.

After suffering a closed head injury a decade ago, I couldn't walk, talk, or type. Words came out of my mouth that made no sense, and my typing looked like Greek. I set goals for myself to quickly recover the abilities I had lost. God had something else in mind.

My recovery was anything but swift. It took me nine months to re-learn how to walk, talk, and type. I still struggle with residual issues, such as tremors and short-term memory loss. But today, when ongoing difficulties threaten to steal my confidence, I remind myself that I achieved some pretty big goals in the past. Focusing on those accomplishments gives me the courage to tackle whatever comes my way.

My mind is a powerful tool in this process, because I will get whatever I think I can do. If all I think of is failure, that's what I will continue to get. On the other hand, if I envision myself succeeding, I will most likely achieve my goals...when God thinks that the timing is right.

Celebrate both big and small successes.
Some successes may be big for us, such as learning to live at peace with a chronic illness, defeating the emotional pain caused by abuse, or bravely carrying the scars that remain after a traumatic event. Other successes may be little ones, such as dealing patiently with rude people, sitting peacefully in traffic jams, or recovering an important paper that was lost.

Whether our successes have been big or small, we must celebrate them all. If we're convinced that we'll never succeed at anything, we have to remember the little things, such as the fact that we're all potty trained. From that point onward, it becomes easier to remember that we are all successful, but in different ways and in God's time.

Today's Challenge
With pen and paper, sit down and list your lifetime achievements. It's easy to remember the big milestones, such as graduating from school or landing a job. But don't forget the small stuff, such as getting a gold star on a handwriting paper in third grade or befriending a new kid at school. When we add to this list daily and review it frequently, we bolster our confidence and empower ourselves to take on new challenges.

Admit Your Mistakes and Move On

We are learning how to be more courageous through my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I would like to consider how we get mired down by our past. As survivors, many of us get stuck there, because we believe that we can't shake off the mistakes we've made.

Even successful people make mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes, but truly successful people don't give up. Consider some famous people who overcame their past mistakes to achieve incredible success.

In his early years, teachers told Thomas Edison that he was "too stupid to learn anything." He didn't fare much better in his career, either. He was fired from his first two jobs for not being productive enough. Even as an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. Of course, all those unsuccessful attempts finally resulted in the design that worked.

Most people know Oprah as one of the most iconic faces on TV. However, she was fired from her job as a television reporter, because she was told that she was "unfit for tv." But she didn't let her past mistakes dictate who she would become, and today she is one of the richest and most successful women in the world.

Back in 1954, Elvis Presley was a nobody, and Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired Elvis after just one performance. He told him, "You ain't goin' nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck." Elvis didn't let his mistakes stop him, and he went on to become one of the most memorable musicians of the twentieth century.

God loved us first.
The Bible tells us, My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can't know him if you don't love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God.
(1 John 4:8 MSG)

We can see from this passage that God loved us first, and then he sent Jesus to die for our sins. It doesn't say that he waited for us to be perfect, and then he sent Jesus to take us to heaven. So if we're bypassing opportunities because we feel that we don't measure up in God's sight, it's time to rethink how we're operating. With God on our side, we can admit our mistakes and get on with our lives.

Move on.
If we're holding ourselves back because of mistakes we've made in the past, we must admit where we've gone wrong, learn from our errors, and move on. By constantly self-checking and improving our outcomes, we can succeed.

If other people are telling us that we're making mistakes, we must consider whether or not there is any truth in what they're saying. If there is, we will have to work at changing. If they're simply the type of people who constantly drag us down with criticism, we must ignore them or leave them behind.

God knows where we are going in this life and in the next. We can't let our mistakes of the past or other people's opinions of us hold us back. With a little faith in ourselves and belief in God's love for us, we can accomplish just about anything.

Today's Challenge
Decide today to take a chance on something you've always wanted to do, even if you have always believed that your past failures will hold you back. Admit your mistakes, learn from them, and move on!

Learn to Say No

We're learning about gaining confidence in my series, Confident in God's Hands. I've pointed out that we may often get ourselves involved in chaotic relationships, jobs, or other situations which make us feel as if all we're doing is putting out fires. Today, I'd like to provide some simple ways to help you learn how to quit the fire department.

Assertiveness 101
As a Stephen Minister, the first thing I learned was that we must be assertive. Without the skills to say no to some things, we can get ourselves into some really unhealthy situations.

When I was working with care receivers, there was no way I could say yes to all of their demands. They were terribly needy people, and giving all of my time and energy to them would have drained me completely.

I had never been assertive in my life, and that's why I had fallen victim to so many abusers over the years. Stephen Ministry training changed everything for me, because it taught me how to stand up for myself and set boundaries.

Do's and Don'ts When Saying No
Becoming assertive is a lot easier than we believe it to be. We create limits for ourselves, and when someone asks us to do something beyond those limits, we simply say no. When we have to tell someone that we cannot fulfill their request on our time, there are some things we should do and some things we should not.

First of all, we tell them up front that we're declining their request.
For example, I may decide that I don't want to attend a party for someone I barely know. The right way to assertively decline the invitation would sound like this: "Susie, I'm calling to say that I won't be able to make it to your party. Thank you for inviting me. I hope you have a good time." Simple, to the point, and perfectly assertive.

An inappropriate response could swing in one of two directions. We can become overly aggressive and come across as angry, which doesn't do anything for our relationships with others, even if we don't know them well. An aggressive response would go like this: "Susie, I don't know why on earth you thought I would ever consider coming to your party. I don't even know you. I'm not coming, and I don't want you ever calling me again." Way too harsh, with unwarranted anger.

As survivors of abuse, we tend to swing in the opposite direction and come across as completely passive. The phone call would sound like this: "Hi, Susie. How are you?" We'd listen to her telling us all about her life for ten minutes, all the while squirming about how she's going to react when we tell her we aren't coming to her party.

Eventually, we'd say in a wimpy little voice, "I really want to come to your party. I know it's going to be such fun. I'm so sorry, but I really can't be there. You see, I've got to groom the dog, take the kids to a soccer game, bake a cake for my mother-in-lawy's birthday party, and call all of the members of the PTA about the meeting next week. If I just had more time, I'd just love to be there." Too apologetic, too many excuses, and incredibly cowardly.

Our passive phone call opens the door to Susie talking us into coming to her party, even though we're already over-committed. We end up going to it, all the while checking our watch because we're late for picking up the kids from their game, and we're worried about baking a cake and talking to all of the PTA members. We feel miserable about being at the party, and perhaps anger toward Susie causes us to behave grumpily with her guests.

What does God think about assertiveness?
In ancient Israel, a young Jewish woman named Esther was chosen from among thousands of beauties to become the queen. Because she was both insightful and confident, she knew how to make an assertive request from the fearsome king, who often put people to death just for walking into his throne room. She waited for the right moment to talk to him.

An evil man in the king's service had issued a decree that all Jews must be killed, including Esther. The king was unaware that the order would bring Esther's life to an end. Esther 7:3-4 (MSG) provides us with an excellent example of assertiveness:

Queen Esther answered, "If I have found favor in your eyes, O King, and if it please the king, give me my life, and give my people their lives. We've been sold, I and my people, to be destroyed—sold to be massacred, eliminated. If we had just been sold off into slavery, I wouldn't even have brought it up; our troubles wouldn't have been worth bothering the king over."

Esther waits for an opportune time and then states her request up front. She wants the king to spare her life and the lives of her fellow Jews. She explains what has happened and why it is important to her. Then she shuts up and waits for the king's response. Within minutes, the king orders the man who was responsible for the decree to be executed.

Esther went down in history as one of the most confident and courageous women of all time. She chose the right moment to speak, and she did so assertively. No apologies, no long explanations, just the facts combined with some respect. This is a perfect example of assertiveness, and if we can learn to imitate it, we can show others that they must treat us with the same degree of respect that we have for ourselves.

The Three Rules of Assertiveness
God wants us to be as assertive as Esther was. When we make requests of people or decline their demands on our time, it is important to remember three things:

1) We must choose an opportune time to respectfully state our limits clearly and succinctly up front;
2) We must never apologize for setting boundaries around ourselves; and
3) We must not provide excuses or long explanations for our requests.

All of us can become more assertive by following this simple three-step process. It changed my life, and I'm certain it will change yours if you're willing to give it a try.

Today's Challenge
If you're really wimpy about setting boundaries around yourself and your time, find a friend to help you role-play assertive conversations. Act out the overly aggressive response and have some good laughs. Try on the passive conversation and discover how much you have used it in the past. Then, give the assertive approach your best effort, and find out how it feels. With a little practice, you'll soon see how easy it is to get what you need without feeling guilty or angry.