A Makeover Fit for a Queen

We have been learning about how to increase our confidence this week by improving our outward appearance. This is a continuation of my series, Confident in God's Hands.

Put your best face forward.
If we want to feel confident, I believe it's important to take good care of our skin. When I was younger, I had such severe acne that kids at school made up cruel songs about me.

Regular trips to a dermatologist during my teen years helped, but I also think that a good skin care routine did wonders for my face. For nearly 40 years, I have used Mary Kay cosmetics with excellent results.

Get a new look.
Basic skin care gives us a healthy glow, but I'm a firm believer in using a good foundation and some glamour products to highlight our facial features. Lip color, cheek color, and eye makeup can work together to create a much more appealing look.

I went to www.marykay.com and downloaded a picture of myself without makeup and with hair flattened by a rainstorm. Then, I clicked through all of the choices to come up with a makeover. The website gives users opportunities to select styles. There's even a way to make yourself look like Prince William's queen-to-be.

The computer-generated colorations and applications are a little cheesey, but the program helped me to see two important points: 1) I definitely need some makeup so that I don't look so pasty; and 2) I think I could use a little more hair in a slightly darker color.

Be adventurous.
Many women are terrified of makeup, fearing that they will make mistakes in applying it and look like clowns. But a talented make-up artist at a cosmetic counter or a Mary Kay consultant can be quite helpful. Knowing how to cleanse our skin and properly apply makeup can really boost our confidence.

What does the Bible say about cosmetics?
Esther was a beautiful Jewish woman in ancient Israel. She was given an opportunity to audition to become queen. Cosmetics played a role in her preparations, as we can see in Esther 2:12 (MSG): Each girl's turn came to go in to King Xerxes after she had completed the twelve months of prescribed beauty treatments—six months' treatment with oil of myrrh followed by six months with perfumes and various cosmetics.

Esther captivated the king, who chose her as his new queen. We don't know if it was the makeup, something in her genes, or a combination of the two; but her beauty helped her to win the throne. Whether we are trying to captivate a man or simply inspire ourselves, I think makeup definitely boosts confidence.

Today's Challenge
Do your own virtual makeover or go to a cosmetics counter for a free one. Ask for suggestions that are appropriate for your age, and don't be afraid to say that you need directions on how to apply makeup.

Clothing Makes the Man

We are learning some techniques for boosting our confidence during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, we look at how our clothing affects our self-esteem.

Vestis Virum Reddit.

When I was homeschooling my oldest son, he decided that he wanted to learn some Latin. I don't remember much of what we studied, but the phrase, "Vestis Virum Reddit" has always stuck with me. It means, "Clothing Makes the Man." My son was particularly intrigued by this thought, because he was on the verge of manhood and searching for ways to express himself through his clothing.

We talked about what this tidbit of Latin meant, and we decided that our clothing helps us to feel complete. At times, it expresses who we are more powerfully than words can. My son realized that clothing is a great divider of mankind, elevating the well-dressed to positions of leadership and sifting out the less fortunate and poorly dressed to less desirable places in society.

Is our clothing important to God?
I believe that our clothing is important to God. When he gave directions to Moses for the outfits he designed for the priests to wear in the temple, God said, Weave the tunic of fine linen. Make the turban of fine linen. The sash will be the work of an embroiderer. Make tunics, sashes, and hats for Aaron's sons to express glory and beauty. (Exodus 29:5 MSG)

I think that our grooming and attire should reflect God's image that dwells within us. Our outward appearance should express glory and beauty, because God created us to radiate these qualities. When others see us looking our best, they see God in us. And when we pass by a mirror, we see that glory, too. Looking our best builds our self-confidence, because we recognize God's glory within ourselves.

We must be careful, however, or our clothing could become a source of pride that might hurt others. James 2:1 (MSG) warns us, My dear friends, don't let public opinion influence how you live out our glorious, Christ-originated faith. If a man enters your church wearing an expensive suit, and a street person wearing rags comes in right after him, and you say to the man in the suit, "Sit here, sir; this is the best seat in the house!" and either ignore the street person or say, "Better sit here in the back row," haven't you segregated God's children and proved that you are judges who can't be trusted?

"Vestis Virum Reddit" points out the obvious fact that clothing does divide people. And while we ought to strive to look our best, the Bible tells us we should not look down on others who cannot afford nice clothing.

We dress like our peers to fit in.
We do not live on little islands by ourselves. We circulate among other people, and we are wired to try to fit in with them. If we don't dress the part well, we will get negative feedback about our appearance.

For example, there is a distinct difference between the way people dress here in Appalachia and in Chicago. Joe and I went to a sporting goods store recently to buy him some archery equipment. He was wearing a suit, and I was wearing a dress, because we had both come directly from professional meetings.

The clerk blurted out, "Man, you're dressed. You been to a funeral?"

This young man's response to our appearance summed up perfectly the type of culture one can expect here in southeastern Ohio. Most of our neighbors are farmers or work in blue-collar jobs and dress very casually. They see us as foreigners who don't fit in when we over-dress.

If we were in Chicago, Joe and I would not be given a second glance for wearing what we did. There, it is expected that successful business people will dress the part.

If we want to fit in, most of us will figure out that we must dress like others or get rejected. If we feel particularly uncomfortable around our peers because we have been transplanted from another culture, we must either learn to adapt to their way of dressing or go back to our former, familiar place in the world. To feel confident, we need to fit in with our peers.

I have often struggled with this concept of dressing to fit in, because I am not comfortable wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt to go to the store or to worship. Around here, putting on a pair of jeans and a clean shirt is considered dressing up. I don't like feeling as if I am trying to put on airs, but I also don't like feeling as if I'm impoverished.

So, I've tried to find a happy balance between over-dressing and feeling frumpy in old, ratty clothes. I no longer own very many dresses. Usually, I wear casual pants and an attractive shirt when I go out. To help me feel a little more polished, I add pretty earrings and a bracelet or necklace. I want to make others comfortable when they are around me, but I also want to feel comfortable in my own clothing. I think when we find a way to do both, our confidence grows.

Today's Challenge
Take time today to notice others' clothing. Do you fit in with your peers, or does your clothing elevate you above them? Are you the one looking as if you need to improve your wardrobe? Make some adjustments and strike a happy balance between segregating yourself from others by over-dressing and feeling insecure by under-dressing.

Our Hairstyle Reflects our Self-Confidence

We continue with my series, Confident in God's Hands. I am addressing issues that may contribute to low self-esteem, which can deter us from achieving our dreams. Today, I would like to consider how our hairstyles reveal our level of self-confidence.

What message is her haircut sending?
This photo shows Susan Boyle when she competed in Britain's Got Talent. She walked onstage and told the judges that she wanted to be a great singing sensation. The judges sneered at her, and the audience let out a collective snicker.

Susan's frizzy hair sent the message that she was a dowdy middle-aged housewife without much hope of ever making it in the world. After she belted out the first few notes, however, everyone's opinion of her changed dramatically. This woman could sing!

My first thought was that someone had better offer her a make-over. In this world, people expect singers, actors, and leaders to have beautiful hair. To appear in public looking this frazzled is a sure-fire way to become the brunt of many rude jokes and to be passed over when competing.

Past hurts can affect our self-image.
I have since read Susan Boyle's autobiography, and I have developed a deep appreciation for her courage. She was oxygen-deprived at birth and consequently had to overcome many learning disabilities throughout childhood.

Being teased by other children caused her to become extremely unsure of herself. She had such anxiety about performing when this picture was taken that she nearly backed out of the competition. Her appearance reflects how she felt.

When we are ostracized because we don't look or act like others, it can cause us to become depressed or to develop social anxiety. Depression and anxiety further lead to the neglect of our grooming habits. When we develop long-term apathy for our own souls, it gets reflected in the way we look.

For some of us, this becomes a vicious cycle. We don't feel good on the inside, so we look terrible. Looking unkempt causes others to avoid us or criticize us, which leads to feeling even worse. Something must change, or we remain stuck in this cycle indefinitely.

Like social ostracizing, emotional abuse can also leave lasting scars that make us feel ugly. My ex-husband was so mercilessly critical of my hair that it took me years after leaving him to believe that it was minimally good-looking.

It has only been in the past year that I have finally discovered an attractive haircut and color that make me feel confident again. I believe that my interest in improving my appearance coincides directly with the work I have done to forgive my abusers and to help other survivors.

What is God's opinion about our hair?
I believe that God gave us hair to enhance our beauty. When it is well cared for, a woman's hair can be her crowning glory. An attractive haircut and color can attract others to us. Women want to look like us, and men want to be with us.

King Solomon wrote about his lover, Your hair flows and shimmers like a flock of goats in the distance streaming down a hillside in the sunshine. (Song of Solomon 6:4 MSG) Okay, so Solomon's similes weren't all that great, but you get the idea. His woman's hair caused him to admire her and to appreciate the beauty that God created when he made her.

Our hair reflects how we feel about ourselves.
The photo below was taken of Susan Boyle after she won a recording contract for her first album.

What a difference! Yes, Susan had a makeover, but there's more to her look than just a good haircut. Her eyes tell a story about how she feels. The confidence she acquired by succeeding and gaining the acceptance of her peers changed her appearance completely. She broke the cycle of dowdiness by taking a leap of faith to use her talents and make a difference in the world.

Fake it until you make it.
If we feel depressed or anxious about going out into the world, our hair is gong to reflect our issues. Al-Anon advises that we fake it until we make it. In other words, we get up, shower, wash our hair, put on make-up, and dress in current fashions. We do this every day, no matter how badly we feel about ourselves.

Even if our hair isn't perfect, we keep trying until we get it right. Perhaps we begin by asking others for their honest opinion. Or maybe we seek out the advice of a highly respected hair stylist. I did both.

This process of changing our image may not be easy, but it's worth it in the long run. Making ourselves open to others' opinions and accepting feedback is the only way we are going to change.

Susan Boyle's jitters didn't go away with her overnight success. She continues to struggle with anxiety, but she is faking it and getting closer to making it every day. Her new hairstyle (which was created by a professional) is helping her to gain confidence along the way.

Today's Challenge
Have someone take a photo of you today. Is your hair expressing the glory and beauty that God created when he made you, or is there room for improvement? Ask others for their opinion or consult an expert to bring your hair into current fashion so that you can fake it until you develop greater confidence.

Exercise Enhances Confidence

We learned yesterday that a poor body image takes a toll on our confidence. So, we continue today with our discussion about how to increase our self-esteem by taking better care of our bodies. This is a continuation of my series, Confident in God's Hands.

The brain responds positively to exercise.
Whenever we exercise, our brains increase the production of endorphins. These are the feel-good chemicals that lift our mood and make us feel more energetic. If we want to increase our self-confidence, we must exercise.

Aerobics or weight training?
Aerobic exercise increases our heart rate and forces our lungs to work harder. Many people believe it is the only form of exercise we need, but building muscle mass is just as important.

Developing more muscle makes our bodies burn more calories, so it is easier to maintain a healthy weight. A muscular person uses up more fuel just sitting in a chair than a flabby person does. His entire metabolism is running faster, giving him greater energy and confidence throughout the day.

My unique perspective on exercise
I have been challenged by multiple sclerosis (MS) for a number of years. I experience days when I can barely lift my arms or support my weight on wobbly legs. This forces me to sit or lie down for long periods of time, which does not do much for my outlook or confidence. I am dependent on others to lift heavy objects for me. At times, I am dependent on people to lift me! I don't like feeling so physically useless.

When the MS goes back into remission, I am filled with a resurgence of energy. Nothing feels better than to use my muscles again to perform tasks that require strength. When I can lift heavy boxes for myself, I feel an incredible sense of empowerment. It doesn't take rocket science for me to see that there is a direct correlation between physical strength and confidence.

Start slowly.
If you're not used to exercising much, check with your doctor to make sure that you're healthy. Then, start out slowly. If you're used to sitting all day, either at a desk or in front of the TV, take more frequent breaks. Stand up and stretch your arms overhead. March in place, or take a step back and stretch your hamstrings.

Begin walking as much as possible. If you drive to work, park your car farther from the front door of your office. Spend your breaks and lunch hours walking. After dinner, take another walk.

I didn't think that I could walk very far until I got my puppy, Zibby. I began walking with her, and her energy led me farther from home each day. I went from walking about a half a block to three miles daily. If I can do that, I'll bet you can, too.

Step up the pace.
After you're comfortable with walking, step up the pace. Ride a bike around town with your kids, sign up for a dance class, take the stairs instead of the elevator, go swimming at the pool, or play a fast-paced game of ping-pong.

Get your heart rate up so that you're slightly out of breath and sweating. If you really want to maximize your efforts, look up the target heart rate for your body build and push yourself to achieve it at every workout.

Add more muscle.
There are many ways to bulk up muscle mass. The obvious route is a daily trip to a gym, where we pump iron. Some people love this type of discipline, but others feel like screaming after a few days of the same routine.

For those of us who can't stand the gym, there are other options. Routine physical labor can increase our strength. Strenuous activities such as heavy house cleaning, gardening, chopping and carrying firewood, carpentry tasks, and lawn mowing all build strength.

My personal favorite for building muscle mass and confidence is yoga. I used to think this was a ridiculous form of exercise. I wondered how a person could possibly get fit by sitting cross-legged on the floor with their hands in prayer position. Now, I realize that some positions are designed for the quieting of the mind, while others are meant to challenge our muscles.

Aerobic Exercise + Strength Training = Confidence
When we combine aerobic exercise with strength training, the outcome is much greater self-confidence. Why? Not only do we feel better, we look better. We exude far more self-confidence when we're trim and strong than we do than when we're ashamed of the way we look and we need assistance to perform difficult tasks.

Proverbs 31 describes the wife of noble character. It tells us in verse 17, She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. How strong are your arms? Do you feel vigorous as you go about your daily chores? God designed you in his image. What are you doing to preserve his plan for your ideal body?

Today's Challenge
Consider your daily exercise routine. Does it include both aerobic exercise and strength training? How would an improved exercise program enhance your confidence? What can you do today to change your daily routine so that you can include more physical activity?

Body Image Defines Our Confidence

We are learning how to increase our self-confidence in my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I'd like to address the importance of body image in our quest for higher self-esteem.

Check in with your body.
Your body image plays a huge role in determining your level of self-confidence. If you don't feel comfortable in your own skin, how can you possibly feel confident out in the world?

Take time today to really check out how you feel about your body. Stand naked in front of a mirror and assess yourself from head to toe. Most people zero in on the parts that they don't like: hips that are too wide, a belly that is flabby, or breasts that are sagging.

How about praising yourself for the parts that are just right? We can thank God for giving us all of the proper parts, expressing appreciation for limbs that function without pain. We can marvel at the beauty of our skin, which protects us and holds everything in place.

Consider this. Genesis 1:27 tells us, So God created man in his own image. God has created us to be as radiantly beautiful and healthy as he is. So how come we're so unhappy with the way we look?

Why do we hate our bodies?
We have been programmed by the media to hate our bodies for a number of ridiculous reasons. Magazines depict women in skimpy outfits who are stick-thin with enormous breasts. The men in the media have six-pack abs and biceps bigger than their heads. These extremes are not what God had in mind when he made us in his image.

The media teaches us to believe that our bodies should become something impossible. Barbie dolls have such nipped-in waists that no girl could possibly attain such proportions. Women have tried. In the early 1900s, some women actually had surgeons remove their lower ribs to make their waists smaller. A number of these women died during surgery or from intestinal complications afterward.

I believe that we hate our bodies, because we have abused them. We eat poorly, don't exercise, and allow ourselves to become so overweight and out of shape that we look awful in the clothes we wear. Standing naked in front of a mirror is so painful that we avoid looking.

What did God have in mind when he designed our bodies?
The best way to answer this question is to look at the perfect man, Jesus of Nazareth. He was most likely very fit, because he worked as a carpenter and walked everywhere. He probably had some sizeable biceps and admirable ab muscles. But he wasn't taking steroids to bulk up just to impress someone or to look great in a toga. Good body image was a by-product of his healthy, active lifestyle.

We have become obsessed with looking like Hollywood models, but our lifestyle doesn't allow us to attain what we want. We can't sit at desks all day long or in front of the TV all evening and expect to be as radiantly healthy as Jesus was. Our bodies have been designed to move in order to achieve the type of strength that builds confidence in our body image.

Today's Challenge
For today, pay attention to what you think about your own body. How do you feel in your own skin? Look around at others and consider how they might feel in their bodies. Do people exude confidence? Or do they slump in embarrassment over their appearance? Tomorrow, we'll consider some strategies to help us build a better body image.

Stop Slouching

We're learning about how to feel more confident during my series, Confident in God's Hands. So far, we've looked at our fears and anxieties, considering whether or not we might have some serious issues with PTSD following trauma. Now, we're going to get to work, learning some simple tactics to build self-confidence.

Appearance says a lot about us.
Our physical appearance says a lot about how we feel. If we walk with our shoulders hunched forward, our heads down, and our eyes on the ground, it sends a powerful message to everyone we meet. It says we're not confident, we feel inferior, and we've got VICTIM stamped on our foreheads.

The Song of Solomon 5:10 (MSG) describes the attributes of the perfect man, including the following phrase: He stands tall, like a cedar, strong and deep-rooted. God has designed us all to stand tall. Are we feeling and looking as strong and deep-rooted as a mighty tree?

Stand tall.
A car accident nearly a year ago left me with a frozen shoulder. For six months, I've been through grueling physical therapy exercises in an effort to regain the full use of my arm. I've been whining about the huge amount of time this has taken from my schedule, but I realize now that I've benefited in more ways than one.

While I have finally regained the full range of motion in my shoulder, I've gained something far more valuable. I recognize that slouching had taken a toll on my health and on my self-confidence.

Something new and wonderful began happening to me on the days that I attended physical therapy sessions. Afterward, complete strangers were smiling at me and saying hello. At first, I couldn't figure out why this was happening. But over time, I began to see that the friendly greetings were directly related to my improved posture.

Look around.
When I understood that my posture affected how others perceived me, I began to look around at the people I met. What was their posture telling the world? I saw that the majority of people have awful posture, and their appearance reflects the toll it may be taking on their self-confidence.

What is your posture saying? Are you slumped over, because you're depressed, stressed, tired, worried, or burned-out? You can change how others perceive you and how you feel about yourself by simply changing your posture.

Exercises for improved posture.
There are two simple exercises that anyone can do to improve posture. Start out with 6 repetitions of each one and work up to 30.

1) Stand straight, as if someone were holding you by a string attached to the top of your rib cage. Drop your shoulder blades down and pinch them together. Hold for a count of 5 seconds. Repeat 6 to 30 times.

2) Reach forward with your hands and pull back your elbows as far as possible, as if you were rowing a boat. Pinch your shoulder blades together. Hold for a count of 5 seconds. Repeat 6 to 30 times.

These two exercises can get you off to a good start toward improving your posture and boosting your self-confidence. Tomorrow, we'll take a look at other methods for improving our self-image.

Today's Homework
Stand in front of a mirror and assess your posture. Or better yet, have someone take a picture of you from the side. Review what you see. Are you slouching? Take action today to improve your posture so that you will feel and look more confident.

Myths About PTSD

I wrote about PTSD yesterday in my series, Confident in God's Hands. Some comments from readers made me realize that there are a lot of myths about PTSD. I would like to address them today, because if you're suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it will be difficult to develop much confidence.

Myth #1
PTSD is completely disabling.
Many people believe that someone suffering from PTSD is totally disabled. This may be true for people with very recent and severe PTSD, but it is not true for all people suffering from the disorder. Some survivors of trauma are able to hold down jobs, manage families, and look as if they lead normal lives.

I was diagnosed with PTSD about 15 years ago, as a result of nearly 20 years of marital abuse, following childhood sexual abuse and a rape during college. Prior to my diagnosis, I had managed to finish all of the coursework for a doctorate degree, raise three children, and hold a full-time teaching job.

While I may have appeared normal to the rest of the world, I was far from it. I coped by sleeping only three hours a night and working extremely long hours to accomplish what others could do in half the time. PTSD definitely affects our ability to work and to enjoy normal relationships. But it is not necessarily as completely disabling as many people think it is.

Myth #2
PTSD only affects combat veterans.
While it is true that combat veterans frequently return home with PTSD, they are not the only ones who develop this disorder. Women are more likely than men to suffer from PTSD, and children may be diagnosed with it.

We adopted eight-year-old twins from Ethiopia a number of years ago. They both had such severe PTSD from having been abandoned and sexually abused that they could not function within a family setting. They both disrupted their adoption and went on to live in a group home for similarly disturbed children.

Anyone who experiences a traumatic event will respond in the same way as the next person. The human mind is wired to either fight or flee when in danger. Trauma can lead to body chemistry changes that continuously trigger this fight or flight response, even when danger is not present. Whether man, woman, or child, PTSD will occur to anyone if the conditions are right for it.

Myth #3
People with PTSD are weaker than average.
Having PTSD does not mean that we are weaker than the average person. As stated above, it is a natural bodily response to trauma. However, some people are more prone to develop PTSD than others are.

If a trauma survivor has a family history of depression or anxiety, they may be more likely to develop PTSD than the average person. The disorder is more likely to occur if the survivor is a child or if a number of traumatic events occur over and over again in a short span of time.

Our twins developed severe PTSD, because they were sexually abused by a number of people on numerous occasions over a long period of time. They were not born weaker minded than the average person, but constant trauma led to more serious impairments than most victims exhibit.

Myth #4
People with PTSD are just over-reacting.
People with PTSD are not drama queens looking for attention. The disorder occurs when we experience or witness a traumatic event and feel that our life or someone else's life is in jeopardy. Domestic violence can create the same intensity of symptoms that combat veterans develop.

I was once told by a psychiatrist that marital abuse had had the same effect on my brain as if I had been a prisoner of war. Both domestic violence survivors and prisoners of war experience trauma, witness others being traumatized, and believe that death may be imminent.

Learning how severe abuse had affected me helped me to understand that I was not just over-reacting. I had always felt compassion for prisoners of war, who had no control over the brain-washing they received. After learning that emotional abuse has the same effect as brain-washing during war, I became more understanding and gentle with myself.

Myth #5
People with PTSD are crazy.
Survivors of trauma are no more crazy than the average person. They are merely responding as God designed them to when they experienced danger. However, their fight or flight response button is stuck in the ON mode.

My husband is, in my opinion, a very stable person with a healthy mind. However, as a combat veteran, he still struggles at times with flashbacks from a very traumatic experience caused by the Persian Gulf crisis.

When remodelers at the hospital began using a nail gun to install trim, Joe experienced classic symptoms of PTSD. His heart pounded, he broke out in a sweat, and fear gripped him. He remembered the day when his camp was bombed with chemical weapons, and he was overcome by the fear of dying.

Joe's response to the nail gun means that his brain is still wired to fight or flee in some circumstances that remind him of that traumatic day in the desert. But it doesn't mean that he's crazy.

Myth #6
People with PTSD are never the same again.
It is true that PTSD changes how we view the world. We are never the same, but it doesn't mean that we can't learn to overcome it and enjoy ourselves again. We will never forget the trauma, but we don't have to constantly live with the negative effects of it.

Like my husband, most people who have suffered from PTSD will always need to cope with it on some level. Instead of daily flashbacks, we may eventually get to the point where we only have one per year. PTSD never completely goes away, but we can learn to control the severity of the symptoms.

There is a lot of help available for people with PTSD, but they must tap into these resources in order to regain control over the symptoms. Some people say that the trauma changes them for the better, because it makes them more aware of who they are.

God did not design me to be abused and traumatized repeatedly throughout my life. However, he has helped me to adapt when challenges occur so that I can still be an asset in our world. I am using my traumatic experiences to help others learn how to thrive.

Myth #7
I can get over PTSD by myself.
Genesis 28:15 reads, I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. I have found tremendous peace and strength from knowing that God never leaves me. Through prayer and Scripture reading, I have often leaned on him whenever PTSD has become overwhelming.

There is some truth in the statement that time heals all wounds. PTSD, if treated properly, does become less problematic over the years. However, I don't think that prayer or time alone will cure PTSD. God provides for us frequently through other means, such as medications and mental health counseling. We need to take advantage of the help he gives us.

PTSD is not something we should take lightly or attempt to self-treat. Many people who do try to treat the symptoms wind up with issues related to either alcohol or drug abuse. Self-medicating with prescription pain killers is a common path taken by survivors of trauma and abuse.

Today's Challenge
After reading the myths about PTSD, how has your thinking changed? Do you, or someone you know, suffer from PTSD? Help is available, but it is up to the person with PTSD to take the first step.