When in Doubt, Check it Out

Jack Canfield's Success Principle #52

Most of us waste valuable time and resources wondering what other people are thinking. Instead of asking others for clarification, we assume things, usually against ourselves. Successful people don't waste time assuming anything. They are quick to ask questions, because they're not afraid of rejection.

We imagine the worst when we don't know the truth.
There are so many situations where we can imagine the worst, because we simply don't know what's going on. For instance, if we have a biopsy performed, our minds tend to race to the worst-case scenario until the doctor provides us with the results. As soon as we hear the truth, our fears are released.

If we walk into work to discover our friend hurrying away from us, we tend to assume that they're angry with us. By taking the time to ask them what's going on, we might discover that they're ill and were rushing to the restroom. It's usually wise to check in when we're not sure about the facts.

Ask, "Do you mean...?"
Jack teaches something he calls the Do You Mean technique. He explains that most people don't immediately tell us the reasons behind their answers to our questions. Men, in particular, tend to keep their responses very brief. This causes a great deal of miscommunication between the sexes.

For instance, if I'm too tired to cook, I may ask Joe to take me out to eat. If he merely says no, I might instantly assume that he's mad at me, doesn't care about me, and so on. On the other hand, if I use Jack's Do You Mean technique, I can find out why Joe said no. Here are some sample questions:

Do you mean that you would rather be doing something else?
Do you mean that you want me to cook dinner, even though I'm tired?
Do you mean that you have to work late?

By asking these types of questions, I may discover that Joe has to work late and won't be home for dinner at all. Using this technique clears up a lot of misunderstandings.

Checking it out contributes to your success.
As a teacher, I quickly learned the importance of being clear about communication. I worked with a team of eight kindergarten teachers, who all shared in the work of instructing over 200 students. We met weekly for several hours to brainstorm, plan, and divide responsibilities. At the end of our meetings, the chairwoman double-checked with each member to clarify with us what she was expecting us to do in the upcoming week. This process helped all of us to feel confident about our roles, and we had very few misunderstandings.

By contrast, I later served at a different school system where no one worked as part of a grade-level team. Every teacher kept to herself, teaching what she had been for twenty or thirty years. When there was a building-wide staff meeting, the principal shot requests at us. She rarely checked with us to make sure that we understood our duties. As a result, there were frequent misunderstandings, and staff morale was very low.

Psalm 119:30 (NIV) says, I have chosen the way of truth. I think this is an excellent verse to post on the fridge or at our desks. Asking for clarification provides us with the facts in a hurry. And once we know the truth about a situation, we can take action to make corrections before things really go awry.

Clarifying is not micro-managing.
I would like to add that some people resent having us double-check with them. They don't like feeling that they are being micro-managed. There's a difference between saying, "Okay, I'll look forward to receiving your report on Wednesday;" and calling the person hourly to ask if the report is done. Asking for clarification does not mean we are controlling someone's every move.

For those of us who have suffered from PTSD or abuse, the urge to control others is strong. Letting go of that urge to control frees others to use their creativity and allows us to relax. We can clarify with others, but we must not micro-manage them.

Today's Challenge
Look for opportunities today to ask for clarification. Practice the Do You Mean technique to clear up any misunderstandings. Send me your comments to let me know how this works for you.

Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com