So many abused women beat themselves up for not being able to love spouses who do things daily to hurt them. God did not create us so that we could be treated like prickly weeds that our men can trample underfoot. The Lord designed us to be like beautiful roses, capable of giving immeasurable love to our men.
The love between a husband and wife can be compared to plant photosynthesis, which involves three phases: 1) Light Absorption, 2) Carbon Fixation, and 3) Water Splitting.
In the Light Absorption Phase, plants take in sunlight to make energy. As humans, we can absorb God's love to create spiritual energy within ourselves.
During the Carbon Fixation Phase, plants use the energy from the sun's light to form compounds, such as starch, to sustain life. Plant starch helps the plant to grow, but it also sustains any animal that eats it. We can internalize God's love to grow stronger as individuals who are well-equipped to provide life-giving energy to our spouses.
In the Water Splitting Phase, plants split water particles. They use the carbon dioxide that people and animals give off and combine it with the oxygen in water to make more plant starch and oxygen. Animals and humans use the plants' oxygen to support their bodies; then they breathe out the carbon dioxide that plants will need. As you can see, plants and animals co-exist in a relationship that is mutually beneficial.
If women can be compared to plants in this Water Splitting Phase, we receive our marital 'carbon dioxide' through the attentions that our husbands give us. The hours that our spouses spend with us is as necessary to us as water is to plants. We need plenty of his time and undivided attention to take in the life-giving energy of our husband's affections, his romantic advances, and his appreciation for the countless tasks we complete for him every day. We need to know that he will always be there for us to provide more than just material things. We need him to be emotionally involved in our lives to such an extent that neither of us would want to survive without the other.
Often, neglectful or over-working husbands believe that buying their wives shinier baubles or bigger houses or bouquets of flowers will make them happy. This is as silly as thinking that pouring fertilizer on a plant and cutting off its water supply will make it flourish. A neglected wife weighed down with diamonds and expensive clothes will wilt as quickly as an over-fertilized plant will.
If men can be compared to the animals in the symbiotic relationship between the sexes, women must give them the life-sustaining 'oxygen' that they need: our respect. We must praise them for a job well-done and brag about their accomplishments to our friends. We need to refrain from unnecessary criticism and get out of the way when our husbands decide to tackle a project that will boost their confidence. Above all, our man needs to feel like a hero who is capable of protecting us through all kinds of adventures and adversity.
A man who is living as God has called him to do will easily earn our respect through his actions. Wives who adore their husbands are often married to men who work hard at earning respect on their jobs, in their communities, and at home. A husband who is absent, rude, selfish, controlling, or abusive may never gain his wife's respect.
Women in relationships with controlling or neglectful men often mistakenly assume that if they keep the house cleaner, lose more weight, manage the children's activities better, or achieve perfection in every way possible; their spouses will suddenly express romantic love and appreciation. This is as ridiculous as pouring gallons of water onto a plant and expecting it to bear delicious fruit. These over-zealous wives will most likely kill themselves and their dried-up relationships by giving away too much energy.
We may not be able to salvage a nearly dead marriage, just as we may not be able to restore a plant with crackly yellow leaves. Many of us have tried to 'fix' our husbands so that the relationship will work. Sometimes, we must face the facts: if he has neglected us for years in spite of our crying out, it is going to take far more than our nagging or perfectionism to make him change. There may even come a time when we must admit that, like a dead plant, there is no resurrecting a lifeless marriage.
If we are involved with a mate who seriously neglects our needs while demanding everything from us, we can follow three steps to restore our spiritual and emotional strength.
First, we can turn to the only source of true love for renewal. If we have allowed a spouse to drain us of all energy reserves, we must look to God to re-fuel us. Jesus said, "...I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)
We can spend time in the Word and thank God for his loving direction in our lives. We can go to church and worship with fellow believers. We can pray to God with our friends and by ourselves.
Second, we can take a step back and assess what's going on in our relationship with our spouse. Are we doing most of the giving? Is this relationship infusing us with energy or sucking the life out of us? If it's a complete drain, we can take measures to limit the amount of time we spend with our spouse for a while. We can choose to scale back on how much we're giving to the relationship.
Third, we can learn to take better care of ourselves so that our energies are restored. After we have entered into a stronger relationship with God and limited the time we spend with an energy-draining spouse, we can shift our focus in new directions. We can find ways to strengthen our self-esteem by learning new skills, making good women friends through church, and surrounding ourselves with people who are capable of encouraging us. We can find ways to love others through church-sponsored volunteer work.
When we make these changes, we are often surprised by one of two outcomes. Either our neglectful spouse realizes that we are slipping away and works harder at loving us; or, he simply seeks a new source of energy for himself. Sadly, women who stay in neglectful and abusive marriages for years are often shocked to discover how quickly they are replaced.
I stayed for nearly 20 years with my first husband, knocking myself out to make an impossible relationship work. Since he was not in a love relationship with God, he could not transfer life-giving energy into our marriage. It took about 10 years of psychotherapy and Christian counseling to understand that I was fighting a losing battle.
After my divorce, I got involved with a man who started out giving me a lot, but ended up pouring all of his energies into the pursuit of drugs, alcohol, and his first two wives. When I discovered what he was doing, it took me about 10 seconds to ditch him.
My experiences with my failed first marriage and the disastrous relationship with my interim man taught me to turn to God for guidance and love. I spent several years without a mate, serving in my church as a handbell choir member and adult Bible study leader. When I was ready, God sent me a loving husband in Joe, who is drenched in God's love daily and capable of showering me with love, too.
Like plants, we are dependent on the light of God's love for our survival. Marriage can provide us with the perfect place for both personal and relational growth, just as plants and animals live in harmony to support one another. How can we implement these changes to improve our marriages and ourselves?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Hard to Forgive
When someone we love shatters our trust with abuse, it is very hard to forgive. If the abuse occurred repeatedly during childhood, years of psychological and physical damage lie buried beneath multiple layers of self-protective armor. Our spirits cry out to God for justice, and at the same time, our emotions demand acceptance and love from the very person who has hurt us. How do we begin to forgive?
For years, I have been struggling to forgive my parents for abusing me. As I sat praying over photos of my father and mother recently, God suddenly revealed a surprising truth: I was the one who needed to ask for forgiveness.
What?
Yes, God was gently pointing out that I was the one in need of forgiveness. Harboring thoughts of anger and hostility toward the two people who gave me life is a sin. In an instant, the pride that has propped me up for fifty years suddenly came crashing down. God showed me that I was no better than my father, my mother, or anyone else who sins. We are all sinners in one way or another.
I realized that my need to hold onto my spiritual and emotional pain had prevented me from moving forward in the process of forgiving. I had clung to the injustice of childhood sexual abuse and waved it like a bright orange banner to ward off others who might hurt me. I had white-knuckled my flagpole of outrage so that others would join me in the fight against the indignity of childhood abuse.
Righteous anger that arises out of an injustice compels us to cry out for God's vengeance. But once he has the matter in hand, we need to pass our battle flag over to God and allow him to discipline people who need correcting. In that moment of truth, God was asking me to let go.
Even as I write this, the irrational three-year-old inside of me is kicking and screaming, "Don't let the grown-ups ever look good. They're bad. You have to tell what they did."
Today, I can set that child within me at ease. The truth has set us both free.
It is finally dawning on me that I am not alone in this battle anymore. Because I was relentless in crying out, other victims from within the family found the courage to speak out, too. My life-long war to reveal the humiliation of childhood sexual abuse is over. I have fought bravely, and I have helped many others along the way.
At last, the grown-up side of me can admit that I have been bitterly angry most of my life. I have hated my parents for living like cardboard cut-outs, pretending to cherish their children. Other family members have enraged me by refusing to see and accept the obvious. I have been angry at so many people who blinded themselves to the truth; it is hard to comprehend how I ever managed to function.
Colossians 3:13 reads, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." This verse tells us that we must forgive others, because Christ first forgave us.
After reading this passage, God's message became clear to me. I needed to first lay aside my puffed-up image of myself and humbly ask for forgiveness. After I did that, then I could see how it was possible to forgive my parents.
If I see myself as better than my parents, then I can never see them as God does. He looks at a man and a woman whom he created in His image. In spite of their sins, he still loves them. He still wants them to join him in Heaven someday. Every day, he is wooing them to himself, hoping that they will repent and ask for forgiveness. And in the same way, he is wooing me.
God is using our legal system to mete out an appropriate punishment for my father. My mother will feel the sting of shame when everyone discovers that her husband has gone to jail. Their way of life will finally be exposed for what it truly has been. It saddens me to think about how unbearable this will be for them as the lifestyle they have always enjoyed slips from their fingers.
The county prosecutor called me to ask what I thought would be an appropriate sentence for my father. As I considered the various choices, I wondered how I might feel if I were in Dad's shoes. Would I be willing to stand in as a substitute for my father, just as Jesus did for me? The thought of spending more than a minute in jail terrified me. In that instant, I realized that I had never loved my father as Christ does.
Colossions 3:14 reads, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." We cannot forgive someone until we look at them through the eyes of God's perfect love. Forgiveness is impossible unless we see ourselves as equally deserving of the punishment that we believe is in order for someone who has hurt us.
And when we have repented, we must be able to see ourselves as equally deserving of God's love...the same love that is waiting for our abusers when they turn away from their evil actions to a new life in Christ.
I am still asking God daily to help me forgive and love my parents as he does. It remains difficult, but is getting easier. I know that God's love is big enough to help me carry out this seemingly impossible task.
Are you finding it difficult to forgive someone who has abused you? When you are safe, find someone who will listen to you and believe that you have been hurt. Then ask God to forgive you for the anger you have harbored toward your abuser. When you put your own forgiveness into proper perspective, God will reveal that his love is big enough to help you forgive.
For years, I have been struggling to forgive my parents for abusing me. As I sat praying over photos of my father and mother recently, God suddenly revealed a surprising truth: I was the one who needed to ask for forgiveness.
What?
Yes, God was gently pointing out that I was the one in need of forgiveness. Harboring thoughts of anger and hostility toward the two people who gave me life is a sin. In an instant, the pride that has propped me up for fifty years suddenly came crashing down. God showed me that I was no better than my father, my mother, or anyone else who sins. We are all sinners in one way or another.
I realized that my need to hold onto my spiritual and emotional pain had prevented me from moving forward in the process of forgiving. I had clung to the injustice of childhood sexual abuse and waved it like a bright orange banner to ward off others who might hurt me. I had white-knuckled my flagpole of outrage so that others would join me in the fight against the indignity of childhood abuse.
Righteous anger that arises out of an injustice compels us to cry out for God's vengeance. But once he has the matter in hand, we need to pass our battle flag over to God and allow him to discipline people who need correcting. In that moment of truth, God was asking me to let go.
Even as I write this, the irrational three-year-old inside of me is kicking and screaming, "Don't let the grown-ups ever look good. They're bad. You have to tell what they did."
Today, I can set that child within me at ease. The truth has set us both free.
It is finally dawning on me that I am not alone in this battle anymore. Because I was relentless in crying out, other victims from within the family found the courage to speak out, too. My life-long war to reveal the humiliation of childhood sexual abuse is over. I have fought bravely, and I have helped many others along the way.
At last, the grown-up side of me can admit that I have been bitterly angry most of my life. I have hated my parents for living like cardboard cut-outs, pretending to cherish their children. Other family members have enraged me by refusing to see and accept the obvious. I have been angry at so many people who blinded themselves to the truth; it is hard to comprehend how I ever managed to function.
Colossians 3:13 reads, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." This verse tells us that we must forgive others, because Christ first forgave us.
After reading this passage, God's message became clear to me. I needed to first lay aside my puffed-up image of myself and humbly ask for forgiveness. After I did that, then I could see how it was possible to forgive my parents.
If I see myself as better than my parents, then I can never see them as God does. He looks at a man and a woman whom he created in His image. In spite of their sins, he still loves them. He still wants them to join him in Heaven someday. Every day, he is wooing them to himself, hoping that they will repent and ask for forgiveness. And in the same way, he is wooing me.
God is using our legal system to mete out an appropriate punishment for my father. My mother will feel the sting of shame when everyone discovers that her husband has gone to jail. Their way of life will finally be exposed for what it truly has been. It saddens me to think about how unbearable this will be for them as the lifestyle they have always enjoyed slips from their fingers.
The county prosecutor called me to ask what I thought would be an appropriate sentence for my father. As I considered the various choices, I wondered how I might feel if I were in Dad's shoes. Would I be willing to stand in as a substitute for my father, just as Jesus did for me? The thought of spending more than a minute in jail terrified me. In that instant, I realized that I had never loved my father as Christ does.
Colossions 3:14 reads, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." We cannot forgive someone until we look at them through the eyes of God's perfect love. Forgiveness is impossible unless we see ourselves as equally deserving of the punishment that we believe is in order for someone who has hurt us.
And when we have repented, we must be able to see ourselves as equally deserving of God's love...the same love that is waiting for our abusers when they turn away from their evil actions to a new life in Christ.
I am still asking God daily to help me forgive and love my parents as he does. It remains difficult, but is getting easier. I know that God's love is big enough to help me carry out this seemingly impossible task.
Are you finding it difficult to forgive someone who has abused you? When you are safe, find someone who will listen to you and believe that you have been hurt. Then ask God to forgive you for the anger you have harbored toward your abuser. When you put your own forgiveness into proper perspective, God will reveal that his love is big enough to help you forgive.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Are You a Winner or a Whiner?
The last time I checked the calendar, daffodils were blooming, and I was preparing for our daughter's June wedding. Suddenly, it's October, and the leaves are turning crimson. What happened???
Have you ever been through seasons like this? There are times in my life that I absolutely cannot remember. When we find ourselves in challenging relationships, memories can be particularly difficult to retrieve, because extreme stress can blind us to the normal course of events that surround us.
Recently, I've discovered that there are three steps all of us can take to maintain good memories when we wind up in stressful situations.
First, we must come to understand how we got into this trouble to begin with. If we did something stupid or used poor judgment, now is the time to admit it and ask God to help us work things out. If it looks as if something random has blindsided us, we need to ask God to help us understand what we are to do as we wait it out.
For example, I knew when I was walking down the aisle to marry my first husband that I was making a terrible mistake. He had been exhibiting signs of abusive tendencies for a long time, and I ignored them. The ensuing years of trouble were partly my own fault, because I didn't listen to the Holy Spirit's urging me to run from a man who would later hurt me.
On the other hand, sitting at a traffic light after leaving church this summer and getting rear-ended by a drunk was not my fault. My injuries were just one of those unfortunate things in life that happens as a result of someone else's sin.
Second, we need to ask ourselves whether or not it is in our best interest to continue in a troubling lifestyle. Getting out from under an oppressive employer can be difficult, and leaving an abusive marriage may seem downright impossible. Likewise, sitting through a class that is run by a dictator may feel interminable, but we must decide whether staying or leaving will be best for us in the long run. This is a difficult process that can take a long time to figure out.
Jumping from the frying pan into the fire isn't a smart move, either. I tried running away from home when I was five, but I didn't get very far before I realized that I needed to use a bathroom. No one would allow me to use their facilities along my escape trail, and I was forced to return home. We must weigh all of our options before leaving a difficult situation. God may want us to grow through it. A qualified counselor or an accountability partner can help us to clarify our choices.
Third, if we can't extricate ourselves from a bad situation, we must focus on what is good in it. I was constantly stressed as a child by alcoholism and abuse. Eventually, I discovered a place of safety in our church's nursery. Loving care givers provided me with a haven where I could play without being hurt. I developed a love for kaleidoscopes and Jesus as a result of going there. I couldn't run away from my unhappy family, but I found ways to see the goodness of God while I was under my parents' authority.
I Thessalonians 5:16-18 reads, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." This verse has often reminded me to look for the good in all situations. It has also kept me mindful of the need for constant prayer.
Winners look for the positives. If we see ourselves as overcomers who are empowered by God to manage our lives to the best of our abilities, we can often steer ourselves out of bad situations.
Whiners dwell on the negatives. They typically see themselves as victims and spend an inordinate amount of energy trying to discredit the people who take advantage of them. They frequently remain stuck in bad relationships because they use up all of their energy complaining and pointing fingers.
I haven't always been a winner. In fact, I've probably spent a good deal of my life whining. It isn't always easy to be joyful, particularly when our lives feel overwhelming. But if we are faithful to the disciplines of prayer and gratitude, we can feel better, no matter what circumstances may occur. Even if we remain trapped for a while in an unsavory setting, at least we have the joy of knowing that God is there with us.
And when we do break free from the pain and suffering, our joy bubbles over! By developing an attitude of thankfulness and good cheer during the bad times, we find it much easier to remain joyful when our lives improve.
Lately, God has given me a respite from months of pain. Guess what? The sky seems bluer, the autumn leaves flutter in the breeze more beautifully, and the sun sparkles on the lake like it never has before. I can see clearly that God has stayed close through the long, dark nights of pain. And now that it is behind me, he is shining brightly in every corner of my world. Today is etched deeply into my memory, because I have taken time to savor the good things in life, instead of dwelling on the bad.
How about you? Are you a winner or a whiner? Choose today to assess your troubles, make a decision to stay or to remove yourself from a bad situation when the time is right, and then thank God for walking through the fire with you.
Have you ever been through seasons like this? There are times in my life that I absolutely cannot remember. When we find ourselves in challenging relationships, memories can be particularly difficult to retrieve, because extreme stress can blind us to the normal course of events that surround us.
Recently, I've discovered that there are three steps all of us can take to maintain good memories when we wind up in stressful situations.
First, we must come to understand how we got into this trouble to begin with. If we did something stupid or used poor judgment, now is the time to admit it and ask God to help us work things out. If it looks as if something random has blindsided us, we need to ask God to help us understand what we are to do as we wait it out.
For example, I knew when I was walking down the aisle to marry my first husband that I was making a terrible mistake. He had been exhibiting signs of abusive tendencies for a long time, and I ignored them. The ensuing years of trouble were partly my own fault, because I didn't listen to the Holy Spirit's urging me to run from a man who would later hurt me.
On the other hand, sitting at a traffic light after leaving church this summer and getting rear-ended by a drunk was not my fault. My injuries were just one of those unfortunate things in life that happens as a result of someone else's sin.
Second, we need to ask ourselves whether or not it is in our best interest to continue in a troubling lifestyle. Getting out from under an oppressive employer can be difficult, and leaving an abusive marriage may seem downright impossible. Likewise, sitting through a class that is run by a dictator may feel interminable, but we must decide whether staying or leaving will be best for us in the long run. This is a difficult process that can take a long time to figure out.
Jumping from the frying pan into the fire isn't a smart move, either. I tried running away from home when I was five, but I didn't get very far before I realized that I needed to use a bathroom. No one would allow me to use their facilities along my escape trail, and I was forced to return home. We must weigh all of our options before leaving a difficult situation. God may want us to grow through it. A qualified counselor or an accountability partner can help us to clarify our choices.
Third, if we can't extricate ourselves from a bad situation, we must focus on what is good in it. I was constantly stressed as a child by alcoholism and abuse. Eventually, I discovered a place of safety in our church's nursery. Loving care givers provided me with a haven where I could play without being hurt. I developed a love for kaleidoscopes and Jesus as a result of going there. I couldn't run away from my unhappy family, but I found ways to see the goodness of God while I was under my parents' authority.
I Thessalonians 5:16-18 reads, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." This verse has often reminded me to look for the good in all situations. It has also kept me mindful of the need for constant prayer.
Winners look for the positives. If we see ourselves as overcomers who are empowered by God to manage our lives to the best of our abilities, we can often steer ourselves out of bad situations.
Whiners dwell on the negatives. They typically see themselves as victims and spend an inordinate amount of energy trying to discredit the people who take advantage of them. They frequently remain stuck in bad relationships because they use up all of their energy complaining and pointing fingers.
I haven't always been a winner. In fact, I've probably spent a good deal of my life whining. It isn't always easy to be joyful, particularly when our lives feel overwhelming. But if we are faithful to the disciplines of prayer and gratitude, we can feel better, no matter what circumstances may occur. Even if we remain trapped for a while in an unsavory setting, at least we have the joy of knowing that God is there with us.
And when we do break free from the pain and suffering, our joy bubbles over! By developing an attitude of thankfulness and good cheer during the bad times, we find it much easier to remain joyful when our lives improve.
Lately, God has given me a respite from months of pain. Guess what? The sky seems bluer, the autumn leaves flutter in the breeze more beautifully, and the sun sparkles on the lake like it never has before. I can see clearly that God has stayed close through the long, dark nights of pain. And now that it is behind me, he is shining brightly in every corner of my world. Today is etched deeply into my memory, because I have taken time to savor the good things in life, instead of dwelling on the bad.
How about you? Are you a winner or a whiner? Choose today to assess your troubles, make a decision to stay or to remove yourself from a bad situation when the time is right, and then thank God for walking through the fire with you.
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