My series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, offers survivors of abuse and trauma an opportunity to find healing through forgiving others. For the past week, we have been discovering that the best way to learn how to forgive is to look at our own faults and our need for forgiveness. So, today we consider asking someone to forgive us.
How hard can it be to say I'm sorry?
If we have been victims of long-term abuse, it can be almost impossible to admit to another human being that we have made a mistake. In an abusive relationship, such admissions open us up to further abuse.
So, we learn self-preservation by never admitting our wrongs. And we certainly never, ever tell our abuser that we're sorry...unless he's twisting our arm and threatening worse if we don't say those words that we really don't mean.
And after our abusers extract an apology from us, they feel empowered once again. Within days, hours, or minutes, they are back at us with more of the same torture we endured earlier. It's no wonder that we swallow hard and think twice before offering anyone an apology.
We need to learn that it's okay to apologize to some people.
The next step on the road to forgiving others is to ask someone to forgive us. I believe this is the hardest step of all, because it's the riskiest for survivors of abuse.
Let's begin with one important point: the first person to forgive face-to-face should not be the enemy who abused or traumatized us. Like any new learning, that kind of forgiveness begins with baby steps.
So we need to think about someone we have wronged, and we need to consider how we are going to apologize and ask for forgiveness. By beginning with someone safe, we can experience what it feels like to admit our mistake, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. From a normal person, we can expect understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness.
My forgiveness journey began with Joe.
When I married Joe, I don't think I had ever sincerely apologized to anyone in my life. Abuse had ground out any thought of admitting my faults to anyone. So you can imagine my surprise when Joe made mistakes, came to me to admit them, and asked me to forgive him. In the beginning, it was extremely difficult for me to extend forgiveness to him, in spite of the fact that he was apologizing without any pressure from me.
What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just say I forgave Joe? I realized that in an abusive relationship, the minute an abuser offers us an apology, the cycle of abuse begins again. Like Pavlov's dogs, I had been trained to expect abuse if I ever traveled down the road of forgiveness. I couldn't offer it to anyone, and I couldn't ask for it.
Learn to see forgiveness through your enemy's eyes.
We can see by my experience why it may be so difficult for our enemies to ask us for our forgiveness. Perhaps they were abused as children and learned that admitting mistakes brought on more abuse. Maybe no one ever modeled forgiveness for them.
Model forgiveness for your enemy.
Instead of waiting for our enemies to apologize to us, we can make the best move by extending apologies to others. If our perpetrator is within view of us, he may begin to witness forgiveness at work in our lives when we:
1) admit our mistakes to others;
2) apologize;
3) ask for forgiveness; and
4) accept the grace of someone else's forgiveness.
Don't confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.
In most instances, this four-step process will lead to something that everyone confuses with forgiveness: reconciliation. That means we patch up our differences with someone, and we renew the relationship that was upset by whatever we did wrong.
Reconciliation is the number one reason, in my opinion, that survivors of abuse and trauma cannot forgive. They wrongly believe that forgiving means reconciling. If you don't get anything else out of this series, please read the next sentence carefully. Forgiving does not always entail reconciling. We'll learn more about reconciliation on Friday.
Asking for forgiveness helps us to grow.
Over the years, I have learned that forgiving Joe does not result in his abusing me. In fact, it draws us closer together. Because through our mistakes and apologies, we have learned how to conduct ourselves better as marriage partners. Forgiveness has helped us to grow.
Watching how Joe offered forgiveness taught me how to do it, too. It was not easy to learn that I could admit my mistakes, but Joe was patient with me and readily offered grace when I needed it. Without the baby steps of practicing forgiveness with Joe, I could never have reached the point where I am today with others who have hurt me more seriously.
So, if we recognize that we have broken our relationship with God by sinning, we can learn to admit our mistakes to God and to others. When we are living in safe relationships, we may learn new ways to apologize and ask others to forgive us. Tomorrow, we'll learn the importance of offering restitution to those whom we have hurt.
Today's Challenge
Are you a survivor like me who is terrified of extending forgiveness when someone apologizes to you? Are you fearful that admitting your faults and asking for forgiveness will bring about more abuse? If you're in an abusive situation, get to a safe place. Then, start practicing the habits of extending forgiveness and asking for it with people who are capable of doing the same.
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Recognize Sin
For the past few weeks, we have learned about God's character in our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Today, we look at the concept of sin. By recognizing it in ourselves and in our enemies, we become better prepared to forgive those who have hurt us.
What is sin?
Previously, we defined righteousness as God's goodness, love, mercy, grace, patience, holiness, peacefulness, justice, jealousy, and wrath. Defining sin is simple, because it is the opposite of God's righteousness: sin is any failure to conform to God's character or law with any act or attitude.
Many times, we think of sin as those acts that people can see: lying, stealing, cheating, and so on. But God also prohibits attitudes such as jealousy, anger, and selfishness. Galatians 5:19-21 (NIV) describes both obvious and inner sins which can get us into trouble:
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, faction and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
It is easy to recognize sin in those who have hurt us.
I John 3:4 (NIV) tells us that Everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is lawlessness. When someone abuses us or commits an act that leads to trauma, it is pretty easy to see it and label it as sin. Our justice system can prove a person's guilt, based on his actions and its interpretation of the law.
Ask any survivor of childhood sexual abuse if their perpetrator committed a sin when molesting them, and they will unequivocally answer with a resounding,Yes! Ask survivors of 911 whether or not the terrorists who destroyed the World Trade Center were sinning, and most will cry out, Undoubtedly!
It is not so easy to recognize sin in ourselves.
At the beginning of this series, I identified the roadblocks to forgiveness as anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. Many of these characteristics are present in survivors of abuse and trauma.
I would like to assert that if these feelings are left unchecked, they can become a source of sin for survivors. For instance, we may feel a sense of anger toward our perpetrators. This is a natural response and drives us to seek help. However, if we allow ourselves to remain angry for the rest of time, I believe we have an issue with a sinful attitude.
For the past year, God has been using the case of my father molesting his grandchildren to teach me about my own sin. I never realized before how prideful I had been in comparing myself to others. Seeing my father taken away in handcuffs made me think about how guilty I have been of sinning.
I deserve eternal punishment for my sins of pride, anger, hatred, revenge, and unforgiveness. I thank God more than ever now for the gift of grace through Jesus' death on the cross. When we recognize our own sins, we become far more careful about committing more or looking at ourselves as superior to our enemies.
Sin does not change our standing with God if we're born-again Christians.
When a born-again Christian sins, his legal standing before God remains unchanged. Our salvation is not based on how well we behave, but is a gift from God. (Romans 6:23) In other words, even if we sin, we keep our adoption as one of God's children, and we get to spend eternity in heaven with him.
God disciplines us when we sin.
When we sin, God still loves us, but he may become displeased with us. As parents, we understand that we always love our children, but we may not be thrilled when they throw tantrums, break their curfews, or hit their siblings. We discipline them and teach them to improve.
We can count on God to discipline us when we sin, whether we commit evil acts or harbor sinful attitudes. Hebrews 12:10 (NIV) tells us, God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
God disciplines all of his children.
Imagine a family where each of the children got punished for misbehaving, except for one. Think about how unruly and prideful that child might become.
We inevitably expect God to discipline our perpetrators for their sins against us, but how many of us ask God to bypass disciplining us when our attitudes toward our enemies get out of hand? We need to accept his discipline and learn from it so that we can become more like him each day.
Tomorrow, we will continue our discussion about sin with a look at people who are known as Vampire Christians. Are you one of them?
Today's Challenge
Do you have a different understanding of your sin now? Which one of your attitudes toward your enemy needs to be released to God? How do you feel now about God's discpline for you?
What is sin?
Previously, we defined righteousness as God's goodness, love, mercy, grace, patience, holiness, peacefulness, justice, jealousy, and wrath. Defining sin is simple, because it is the opposite of God's righteousness: sin is any failure to conform to God's character or law with any act or attitude.
Many times, we think of sin as those acts that people can see: lying, stealing, cheating, and so on. But God also prohibits attitudes such as jealousy, anger, and selfishness. Galatians 5:19-21 (NIV) describes both obvious and inner sins which can get us into trouble:
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, faction and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
It is easy to recognize sin in those who have hurt us.
I John 3:4 (NIV) tells us that Everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is lawlessness. When someone abuses us or commits an act that leads to trauma, it is pretty easy to see it and label it as sin. Our justice system can prove a person's guilt, based on his actions and its interpretation of the law.
Ask any survivor of childhood sexual abuse if their perpetrator committed a sin when molesting them, and they will unequivocally answer with a resounding,Yes! Ask survivors of 911 whether or not the terrorists who destroyed the World Trade Center were sinning, and most will cry out, Undoubtedly!
It is not so easy to recognize sin in ourselves.
At the beginning of this series, I identified the roadblocks to forgiveness as anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. Many of these characteristics are present in survivors of abuse and trauma.
I would like to assert that if these feelings are left unchecked, they can become a source of sin for survivors. For instance, we may feel a sense of anger toward our perpetrators. This is a natural response and drives us to seek help. However, if we allow ourselves to remain angry for the rest of time, I believe we have an issue with a sinful attitude.
For the past year, God has been using the case of my father molesting his grandchildren to teach me about my own sin. I never realized before how prideful I had been in comparing myself to others. Seeing my father taken away in handcuffs made me think about how guilty I have been of sinning.
I deserve eternal punishment for my sins of pride, anger, hatred, revenge, and unforgiveness. I thank God more than ever now for the gift of grace through Jesus' death on the cross. When we recognize our own sins, we become far more careful about committing more or looking at ourselves as superior to our enemies.
Sin does not change our standing with God if we're born-again Christians.
When a born-again Christian sins, his legal standing before God remains unchanged. Our salvation is not based on how well we behave, but is a gift from God. (Romans 6:23) In other words, even if we sin, we keep our adoption as one of God's children, and we get to spend eternity in heaven with him.
God disciplines us when we sin.
When we sin, God still loves us, but he may become displeased with us. As parents, we understand that we always love our children, but we may not be thrilled when they throw tantrums, break their curfews, or hit their siblings. We discipline them and teach them to improve.
We can count on God to discipline us when we sin, whether we commit evil acts or harbor sinful attitudes. Hebrews 12:10 (NIV) tells us, God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
God disciplines all of his children.
Imagine a family where each of the children got punished for misbehaving, except for one. Think about how unruly and prideful that child might become.
We inevitably expect God to discipline our perpetrators for their sins against us, but how many of us ask God to bypass disciplining us when our attitudes toward our enemies get out of hand? We need to accept his discipline and learn from it so that we can become more like him each day.
Tomorrow, we will continue our discussion about sin with a look at people who are known as Vampire Christians. Are you one of them?
Today's Challenge
Do you have a different understanding of your sin now? Which one of your attitudes toward your enemy needs to be released to God? How do you feel now about God's discpline for you?
Friday, March 11, 2011
God Expects Honor
We continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, with further thoughts about God's character. So far, we have learned about his goodness, love, mercy, grace, patience, holiness, peace, and justice. Today we look at God's expectations for us to honor him.
What is honor?
Honor is special esteem or respect that we give to someone. A soldier may receive honor for his service. We pay honor to people in positions of power, such as the governor or a judge.
God expects us to give him the highest honor.
While we may honor some of the people around us whom we respect, God inists that we honor him above all other people or things. The second commandment reads, "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God...(Exodus 20:4-5 NIV)
The Bible uses the word jealous whenever God speaks about his expectations regarding his honor. In other words, he will not put up with our placing anyone or anything ahead of him. He expects our fullest respect, similar to the way a husband might expect honor from his wife.
What is an idol?
When I was younger, I used to think that following this commandment was pretty easy. After all, I wasn't bowing down to carved idols in my backyard.
As I grew older, though, I began to realize that idols can be present in our lives without our even recognizing them. What do they look like? Idols can be our favorite TV shows, food, alcohol, gambling, electronic games, movie stars, books, cars, sports figures, goals, or even our exercise routines.
Perhaps I can clarify this with an example. Think about someone you know who is really enthusiastic about something...a golfer who hits the links daily to see how close he can come to par, a sports enthusiast who never misses a single baseball game all season, or a businesswoman who spends every waking hour knocking herself out to meet self-imposed goals.
There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these pursuits. Golf, baseball, and goal-setting are all useful activities. The trouble arises when a person ignores time with God in order to pursue them.
A good rule of thumb in determining whether idols are making God jealous is to consider how many hours each day are spent with God and how much time is spent on other interests. God expects us to give him more honor than we give to our television sets, our cars, our homes, our children, our jobs, our hobbies, and so on.
I'm not saying that we should quit our jobs and neglect our children. There is a balance in life regarding all of our responsibilities. But if we are honest with ourselves, my guess is that most of us spend far more time watching TV or pursuing our own interests than we do reading our Bibles. Our life gets out of balance and God gets jealous when we choose to spend our free time on everything except God.
Honor others more highly than yourself.
The point in studying God's expectations for honor is this: if we are imitators of God, we must learn to honor others more highly than ourselves. This comes back to an earlier post regarding pride and humility. We can never extend forgiveness to an enemy if we always regard ourselves with higher esteem than we do others.
The apostle Paul reminded early Christians, "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." (Romans 12:10 NIV) This is easy to do with fellow believers who conduct themselves nicely. But do we really have to honor people who have abused or traumatized us?
The answer to that question in yes. With a spirit of humility, we can look inward and realize that we don't deserve special honor at all. Every one of us has sinned and deserves punishment for something we've done.
Humility is a great equalizer among members of the human race. We are all in the same predicament--deserving of God's punishment for sin. We are no different from our enemies who have deeply wounded us. They deserve our honor as much as the next guy.
How do we honor our enemies who have hurt us?
As I think about my father who molested a number of children in our family, I struggle with this concept of honoring others more highly than ourselves. I want to let my father know that I still honor him as my parent, but I don't know how to do that without confusing him. I'm afraid that if I extend a kindness to him in the form of a letter or visit, he will assume that I'm letting him off the hook for his crimes.
I suppose that the best thing I can do for the moment is to pray for my dad. I am asking God to protect him while he serves his prison sentence. And I pray that God will send good Christian volunteers and prison workers to talk to Dad about God's love for him. This seems like the safest form of honor I can extend to my father now.
Press on in your quest to forgive.
Forgiveness is such a difficult undertaking, but I believe that pursuing it pushes us to grow in many ways. We can't forgive until we fully understand God's character and how we are to imitate him.
This is no small task. But we must keep pressing on, because the rewards of forgiving are worth it. Stick with me through this. In just two weeks, we should all have a better understanding of how to forgive the one who has hurt us the most.
Today's Challenge
Think about how much of your time is spent honoring God. Do you read your Bible daily? Are you praying often? Do you participate in worship services or sing praises to him while you're alone? Do you tell others about his goodness? If not, what can you give up so that you have more time to devote to honoring God?
What is honor?
Honor is special esteem or respect that we give to someone. A soldier may receive honor for his service. We pay honor to people in positions of power, such as the governor or a judge.
God expects us to give him the highest honor.
While we may honor some of the people around us whom we respect, God inists that we honor him above all other people or things. The second commandment reads, "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God...(Exodus 20:4-5 NIV)
The Bible uses the word jealous whenever God speaks about his expectations regarding his honor. In other words, he will not put up with our placing anyone or anything ahead of him. He expects our fullest respect, similar to the way a husband might expect honor from his wife.
What is an idol?
When I was younger, I used to think that following this commandment was pretty easy. After all, I wasn't bowing down to carved idols in my backyard.
As I grew older, though, I began to realize that idols can be present in our lives without our even recognizing them. What do they look like? Idols can be our favorite TV shows, food, alcohol, gambling, electronic games, movie stars, books, cars, sports figures, goals, or even our exercise routines.
Perhaps I can clarify this with an example. Think about someone you know who is really enthusiastic about something...a golfer who hits the links daily to see how close he can come to par, a sports enthusiast who never misses a single baseball game all season, or a businesswoman who spends every waking hour knocking herself out to meet self-imposed goals.
There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these pursuits. Golf, baseball, and goal-setting are all useful activities. The trouble arises when a person ignores time with God in order to pursue them.
A good rule of thumb in determining whether idols are making God jealous is to consider how many hours each day are spent with God and how much time is spent on other interests. God expects us to give him more honor than we give to our television sets, our cars, our homes, our children, our jobs, our hobbies, and so on.
I'm not saying that we should quit our jobs and neglect our children. There is a balance in life regarding all of our responsibilities. But if we are honest with ourselves, my guess is that most of us spend far more time watching TV or pursuing our own interests than we do reading our Bibles. Our life gets out of balance and God gets jealous when we choose to spend our free time on everything except God.
Honor others more highly than yourself.
The point in studying God's expectations for honor is this: if we are imitators of God, we must learn to honor others more highly than ourselves. This comes back to an earlier post regarding pride and humility. We can never extend forgiveness to an enemy if we always regard ourselves with higher esteem than we do others.
The apostle Paul reminded early Christians, "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." (Romans 12:10 NIV) This is easy to do with fellow believers who conduct themselves nicely. But do we really have to honor people who have abused or traumatized us?
The answer to that question in yes. With a spirit of humility, we can look inward and realize that we don't deserve special honor at all. Every one of us has sinned and deserves punishment for something we've done.
Humility is a great equalizer among members of the human race. We are all in the same predicament--deserving of God's punishment for sin. We are no different from our enemies who have deeply wounded us. They deserve our honor as much as the next guy.
How do we honor our enemies who have hurt us?
As I think about my father who molested a number of children in our family, I struggle with this concept of honoring others more highly than ourselves. I want to let my father know that I still honor him as my parent, but I don't know how to do that without confusing him. I'm afraid that if I extend a kindness to him in the form of a letter or visit, he will assume that I'm letting him off the hook for his crimes.
I suppose that the best thing I can do for the moment is to pray for my dad. I am asking God to protect him while he serves his prison sentence. And I pray that God will send good Christian volunteers and prison workers to talk to Dad about God's love for him. This seems like the safest form of honor I can extend to my father now.
Press on in your quest to forgive.
Forgiveness is such a difficult undertaking, but I believe that pursuing it pushes us to grow in many ways. We can't forgive until we fully understand God's character and how we are to imitate him.
This is no small task. But we must keep pressing on, because the rewards of forgiving are worth it. Stick with me through this. In just two weeks, we should all have a better understanding of how to forgive the one who has hurt us the most.
Today's Challenge
Think about how much of your time is spent honoring God. Do you read your Bible daily? Are you praying often? Do you participate in worship services or sing praises to him while you're alone? Do you tell others about his goodness? If not, what can you give up so that you have more time to devote to honoring God?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
God Desires Peace
As we continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, we focus today on the seventh of ten attributes that make up God's character: peace.
God's peace is more than just the absence of conflict.
While Webster's Dictionary defines peace as the absence of war or other hostilities, the concept of God's peace means so much more. God's peace is an absence of all confusion and disorder. The apostle Paul reminded believers in the early church, "For God is not a God of disorder but of peace." (I Cor 14:33 NIV)
In God's mind, peace goes far beyond the absence of war. Peace can be found in the crystals of a snowflake that are so mathematically perfect, mankind can barely fathom its creation. Peace can be seen in the way that a person comes to believing faith in Christ after numerous experiences have softened his heart. Everything that God creates is begun with peace: an orderly plan that changes confusion into understanding and brings order to chaos.
If things are chaotic or in a state of disorder, it is because mankind's sin has created confusion. For instance, God desires marriage to be the union of one man and one woman for a lifetime. We've created chaos with same-sex marriages and divorce. People who abuse their spouses or molest their children are disturbing the peace that God wants for marriage and family.
God never stops working to orchestrate peace.
God is fully in control of maintaining a well-ordered world. He uses his infinite wisdom, knowledge, and power to bring about countless activities that have the potential to create greater peace. God never stops working, as we can see in Psalm 121:4 (NIV): He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
Sometimes, our lives feel as if they are completely out of control. Abuse can leave us feeling so bitter toward our enemy and toward God that we don't know how to regain balance. In spite of our confusion, God is never perplexed about what to do with any given situation. But we must turn to him for answers about how to get our lives back in alignment with his plans for peace.
God wants us to imitate him to bring about his peace.
Christians can use Galatians 5:22 (NIV) as a measuring stick for determining whether or not they are imitating God's character. The verse reads, But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.
As a tree bears edible fruit, Christians are called to bear spiritual fruit--actions which allow the rest of the world to see that they are imitators of Jesus Christ. What are you doing to bring about God's peace in your corner of the world?
Forgiveness requires us to understand God's peace.
When we attempt to forgive people who have abused or traumatized us, it can be very difficult if we don't apply these principles of God's peace to the situation. Remember, God's peace doesn't necessarily mean an absence of conflict.
In fact, Jesus said, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; a man's enemies will be the members of his own household. (Matthew 10:34-36 NIV)
Jesus was pointing out in this passage that there cannot be peace between his children and the devil's children. Conflict occurs all the time between members of the same household, because some follow God's ways, and others follow Satan's ways.
When members of our family filed charges against my father for sexually abusing them, believe me when I say that these actions did not bring about peace. Conflict of the greatest magnitude imaginable ensued.
But the conflict didn't begin with the legal charges; it began with my father's sin of molesting innocent children. There was no outward sign of conflict until the grandchildren pointed out that there was disagreement between God's plan for order and their grandfather's actions.
If we attempt to create peace (an absence of conflict) between people of the Light and people who prefer darkness; we put ourselves into an impossible situation where we will never experience God's peaceful order. Hiding the truth about childhood sexual abuse or refusing to take a stand against it will not bring about peace. Don't confuse God's plans for peace with our plans to avoid conflict.
Today's Challenge
Are you the type of person who avoids conflict at all costs? Doing so may be costing you true peace. God may be allowing conflict in your life to teach you how to re-establish his design for order. If your life is chaotic, look to God's Word for clues about how your plans might be out of sync with his. Burying the truth about childhood sexual abuse under avoidance, overwork, or addictions will not make it go away. Make whatever changes are necessary to re-establish order according to God's ways, not yours.
God's peace is more than just the absence of conflict.
While Webster's Dictionary defines peace as the absence of war or other hostilities, the concept of God's peace means so much more. God's peace is an absence of all confusion and disorder. The apostle Paul reminded believers in the early church, "For God is not a God of disorder but of peace." (I Cor 14:33 NIV)
In God's mind, peace goes far beyond the absence of war. Peace can be found in the crystals of a snowflake that are so mathematically perfect, mankind can barely fathom its creation. Peace can be seen in the way that a person comes to believing faith in Christ after numerous experiences have softened his heart. Everything that God creates is begun with peace: an orderly plan that changes confusion into understanding and brings order to chaos.
If things are chaotic or in a state of disorder, it is because mankind's sin has created confusion. For instance, God desires marriage to be the union of one man and one woman for a lifetime. We've created chaos with same-sex marriages and divorce. People who abuse their spouses or molest their children are disturbing the peace that God wants for marriage and family.
God never stops working to orchestrate peace.
God is fully in control of maintaining a well-ordered world. He uses his infinite wisdom, knowledge, and power to bring about countless activities that have the potential to create greater peace. God never stops working, as we can see in Psalm 121:4 (NIV): He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
Sometimes, our lives feel as if they are completely out of control. Abuse can leave us feeling so bitter toward our enemy and toward God that we don't know how to regain balance. In spite of our confusion, God is never perplexed about what to do with any given situation. But we must turn to him for answers about how to get our lives back in alignment with his plans for peace.
God wants us to imitate him to bring about his peace.
Christians can use Galatians 5:22 (NIV) as a measuring stick for determining whether or not they are imitating God's character. The verse reads, But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.
As a tree bears edible fruit, Christians are called to bear spiritual fruit--actions which allow the rest of the world to see that they are imitators of Jesus Christ. What are you doing to bring about God's peace in your corner of the world?
Forgiveness requires us to understand God's peace.
When we attempt to forgive people who have abused or traumatized us, it can be very difficult if we don't apply these principles of God's peace to the situation. Remember, God's peace doesn't necessarily mean an absence of conflict.
In fact, Jesus said, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; a man's enemies will be the members of his own household. (Matthew 10:34-36 NIV)
Jesus was pointing out in this passage that there cannot be peace between his children and the devil's children. Conflict occurs all the time between members of the same household, because some follow God's ways, and others follow Satan's ways.
When members of our family filed charges against my father for sexually abusing them, believe me when I say that these actions did not bring about peace. Conflict of the greatest magnitude imaginable ensued.
But the conflict didn't begin with the legal charges; it began with my father's sin of molesting innocent children. There was no outward sign of conflict until the grandchildren pointed out that there was disagreement between God's plan for order and their grandfather's actions.
If we attempt to create peace (an absence of conflict) between people of the Light and people who prefer darkness; we put ourselves into an impossible situation where we will never experience God's peaceful order. Hiding the truth about childhood sexual abuse or refusing to take a stand against it will not bring about peace. Don't confuse God's plans for peace with our plans to avoid conflict.
Today's Challenge
Are you the type of person who avoids conflict at all costs? Doing so may be costing you true peace. God may be allowing conflict in your life to teach you how to re-establish his design for order. If your life is chaotic, look to God's Word for clues about how your plans might be out of sync with his. Burying the truth about childhood sexual abuse under avoidance, overwork, or addictions will not make it go away. Make whatever changes are necessary to re-establish order according to God's ways, not yours.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
God is Holy
We continue with our study of God's character. So far, we have covered his attributes of goodness, love, mercy, grace, and patience. Today, we learn what it means to be holy, as God is.
This understanding of God's attributes is prerequisite to learning how to forgive. This is a continuation of my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.
What does it mean to be holy?
Webster defines holy as: 1) belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; 2) worthy of worship; 3) living according to a strict or highly moral religious or spiritual system; and 4) set apart for a religious purpose. To be holy means that someone or something is separated from sin and seeks to bring glory to God.
Everything associated with God is holy.
Exodus 3:3 (NIV) describes how the Israelites were supposed to construct God's tabernacle, which included the Holy of Holies:
Hang the curtain from the clasps and place the ark of the Testimony behind the curtain. The curtain will separate the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place.
God's Most Holy Place was a 15 x 15 x 15 foot cubicle where the Ark of the Covenant contained the Ten Commandments. God himself had previously inscribed these laws in stone. This was one place in Israel that was to be kept most separated from sin and evil. It was fully devoted to God's service.
God himself is holy.
God's holiness means that he is completely separated from sin and devoted to seeking his own honor. God placed angels in his service who contantly call to one another:
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
The whole earth is full of his glory. (Isaiah 6:3 NIV)
God calls us to be holy.
God directed Moses to tell his people: "Be holy, because I, the Lord your God, am holy." (Exodus 19:2 NIV) This meant that the Israelites were supposed to keep themselves separate from anything evil or sinful and to devote themselves to glorifying God.
As New Testament believers, we are called to separate ourselves from the negative influence that comes from close association with unbelievers. As a survivor of abuse, this point came across clearly to me one day as I was struggling to understand why I could never seem to get along with my first husband or my parents. I read 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (NIV), and a light bulb went on for me:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.
As God has said: "I will live with them and walk aong them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore, come out from them and be separate," says the Lord, "Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters."
These words brought such clarity and comfort to me that I was dumbstruck. Of course I couldn't get along with people who had abused me! They were not walking in the light of God's love, and I was trying to.
I imagined Jesus trying to walk hand in hand with Satan. The Lord would never do something so ridiculous, and yet I had been trying to do exactly that my entire life.
This Scripture passage set me free, because it gave me permission to separate myself from people whose lives were steeped in sin. I realized that people from within our own families may not be suitable companions for us.
And when we find ourselves emotionally without family, God steps in with the promise to be our Father. This passage alays brings me comfort, because no matter how my family members may treat me here on earth, God calls me his daughter.
Separated from sin and devoted to God
A few years ago, I spent some time in an Amish community. As I got to know the people, I began to understand why they felt so strongly about isolating themselves from the world. They reject alliances with businesses such as the energy company, a water supplier, and even bankers; because they view these groups as sinful. The Amish do not wish to be subject to the authority of businesses, but only to the authority of God.
While I think the Amish practice of such strict isolation is a bit extreme, it provides us with food for thought. What alliances have we forged which may not be pleasing to God or bringing him glory?
Sin is as contagious as influenza.
This week, Joe and I have been infected with influenza. We have been directed by our doctor to separate ourselves from others until we are free of fever for at least 24 hours. Our friends are wise to stay away from our home until we are well.
Sin is a lot like influenza. If we aren't careful, we can be 'infected' by the sinful influence of others around us. We may drift far from God without even realizing it if we are living with someone who does not live to glorify God.
If we are living with an abuser who does not glorify God or respect us, we are putting ourselves at great spiritual risk. Allowing ourselves to be abused does not honor God, who lives within us. If we are God's temple, we must separate ourselves from people who seek to harm us.
Today's Challenge
Look around yourself today and think about relationships that may be taking you far from God. What can you do to separate yourself from evil? How can you better devote yourself to glorifying God? Write down in your journal what you can do differently to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God.
This understanding of God's attributes is prerequisite to learning how to forgive. This is a continuation of my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.
What does it mean to be holy?
Webster defines holy as: 1) belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; 2) worthy of worship; 3) living according to a strict or highly moral religious or spiritual system; and 4) set apart for a religious purpose. To be holy means that someone or something is separated from sin and seeks to bring glory to God.
Everything associated with God is holy.
Exodus 3:3 (NIV) describes how the Israelites were supposed to construct God's tabernacle, which included the Holy of Holies:
Hang the curtain from the clasps and place the ark of the Testimony behind the curtain. The curtain will separate the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place.
God's Most Holy Place was a 15 x 15 x 15 foot cubicle where the Ark of the Covenant contained the Ten Commandments. God himself had previously inscribed these laws in stone. This was one place in Israel that was to be kept most separated from sin and evil. It was fully devoted to God's service.
God himself is holy.
God's holiness means that he is completely separated from sin and devoted to seeking his own honor. God placed angels in his service who contantly call to one another:
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
The whole earth is full of his glory. (Isaiah 6:3 NIV)
God calls us to be holy.
God directed Moses to tell his people: "Be holy, because I, the Lord your God, am holy." (Exodus 19:2 NIV) This meant that the Israelites were supposed to keep themselves separate from anything evil or sinful and to devote themselves to glorifying God.
As New Testament believers, we are called to separate ourselves from the negative influence that comes from close association with unbelievers. As a survivor of abuse, this point came across clearly to me one day as I was struggling to understand why I could never seem to get along with my first husband or my parents. I read 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (NIV), and a light bulb went on for me:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.
As God has said: "I will live with them and walk aong them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore, come out from them and be separate," says the Lord, "Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters."
These words brought such clarity and comfort to me that I was dumbstruck. Of course I couldn't get along with people who had abused me! They were not walking in the light of God's love, and I was trying to.
I imagined Jesus trying to walk hand in hand with Satan. The Lord would never do something so ridiculous, and yet I had been trying to do exactly that my entire life.
This Scripture passage set me free, because it gave me permission to separate myself from people whose lives were steeped in sin. I realized that people from within our own families may not be suitable companions for us.
And when we find ourselves emotionally without family, God steps in with the promise to be our Father. This passage alays brings me comfort, because no matter how my family members may treat me here on earth, God calls me his daughter.
Separated from sin and devoted to God
A few years ago, I spent some time in an Amish community. As I got to know the people, I began to understand why they felt so strongly about isolating themselves from the world. They reject alliances with businesses such as the energy company, a water supplier, and even bankers; because they view these groups as sinful. The Amish do not wish to be subject to the authority of businesses, but only to the authority of God.
While I think the Amish practice of such strict isolation is a bit extreme, it provides us with food for thought. What alliances have we forged which may not be pleasing to God or bringing him glory?
Sin is as contagious as influenza.
This week, Joe and I have been infected with influenza. We have been directed by our doctor to separate ourselves from others until we are free of fever for at least 24 hours. Our friends are wise to stay away from our home until we are well.
Sin is a lot like influenza. If we aren't careful, we can be 'infected' by the sinful influence of others around us. We may drift far from God without even realizing it if we are living with someone who does not live to glorify God.
If we are living with an abuser who does not glorify God or respect us, we are putting ourselves at great spiritual risk. Allowing ourselves to be abused does not honor God, who lives within us. If we are God's temple, we must separate ourselves from people who seek to harm us.
Today's Challenge
Look around yourself today and think about relationships that may be taking you far from God. What can you do to separate yourself from evil? How can you better devote yourself to glorifying God? Write down in your journal what you can do differently to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God.
Friday, March 4, 2011
God is Full of Grace
We are discussing God's character this week in an attempt to better understand why we must become like him in order to forgive others. Yesterday, we learned about mercy, which is God's goodness expressed toward people in misery or distress. Today, we will look at grace, which is God's expression of goodness toward those who deserve only punishment.
What is grace?
Webster's Dictionary defines grace as: 1) unmerited divine assistance given man for his regeneration or sanctification; 2) a virtue coming from God; and 3) a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace.
This means that God grants unearned favors to people so that they can avoid punishment. God can give us daily grace for the sins we commit, and he can give us eternal grace in place of the punishment that we deserve.
God chooses the recipients of his grace.
God freely gives his unmerited favor to those whom he chooses. He said in Exodus 33:19 (NIV): "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion."
We cannot work to earn grace.
The apostle Paul emphasized that grace is the opposite of human effort. God chooses some people to be recipients of his grace, while others miss out on it: At the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace. (Romans 11:5-6 NIV) In other words, we cannot earn grace through any human effort; God gets to decide who receives his free gift of grace.
Some churches teach incorrectly that we are justified by grace plus some merit of our own. Examples of this merit include confessions, hardships, penalties, or compensation that believers must pay in order to be pardoned by a priest. The Bible tells us clearly that we cannot win God's grace through any efforts such as these.
The beginning of God's grace is faith in Christ.
The Bible clearly teaches that faith in Christ is a requirement for all people who want God's grace. Paul's letter to the Roman church states, This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:22-23 NIV)
Paul's message is clear: everyone needs God's grace, because everyone sins. And the only way to get grace is to have faith in Jesus Christ.
What is faith?
Faith means that we quit relying on ourselves and trust in our heavenly Father to provide for us. It means that we quit demanding guarantees in life and start taking action, even when we aren't sure of the outcome.
For survivors of abuse who are perfectionists, faith becomes a huge challenge. Our earthly parents were not the type of people anyone would trust. If our human fathers molested us, why would we ever put our trust in a God who is called Father?
I understand this fear, because I have struggled with it for most of my life. But we cannot allow our experiences with our earthly fathers to destroy the beautiful relationship that God has in store for us. To do so allows our earthly fathers to maintain power over us.
Sadly, some women who were sexually abused make the decision that they will never trust any man, including God. Some victims choose other women as sexual partners after being victimized by men. I understand the hurt that leads to this type of behavior, but avoiding all men is not the answer, nor is homosexuality. The Bible clearly states in I Corinthians 6:9-10 (NIV):
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
Trusting in God to grant us grace must come before we can forgive.
Clearly, the inability to trust in God stands as a roadblock to forgiving others. Unless we first understand and experience God's grace for ourselves, we cannot fathom how he could possibly give that gift to people who molest children or commit crimes against us.
The continuing of God's grace is through obedience to God's commands.
For most of my life, the concept of grace has stood as a roadblock to forgiveness for me. It wasn't until I met Joe that I began to understand why.
I was raised in a church which taught that grace was free to anyone if they merely believed in Christ. I knew that my father was a child molester, and my mother was an alcoholic abuser. And yet, they claimed weekly to have earned God's unmerited favor through their confession of sins at church. This just did not make sense to me.
When I married Joe, we attended a church that taught the full meaning of grace. It begins with faith, but it continues with obedience to God's commands. A light dawned for me! My parents had only figured out the first step as potential recipients of God's grace. They had never caught on to the fact that their continued disobedience to God's laws could cause them to miss out on his grace.
If we truly have faith in Christ--trust in God and not in ourselves--it produces obedience to God's commands. The Bible clearly tells us, Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:17 NIV)
My siblings and I finally understand why our parents do not enjoy God's grace: Mom and Dad profess belief in Christ, but they are not living in obedience to God's laws. As James pointed out above, this type of faith is dead.
How do we learn to trust again so that we can receive God's grace?
We may ask how it is possible for us to ever trust someone again after being victimized by an abuser. The answer lies in the fact that God graciously gives us the Holy Spirit to empower us. Paul wrote, But by the grace of God I am what I am.(2 Cor 3:6 NIV)
For me, learning to trust again began with leaving my abusive first husband and distancing myself from my parents. It's impossible to trust anyone when every day begins with a fight for survival.
The ability to trust grew when I made the decision to dig deeper into God's Word. I began attending a church that offered Bible studies, and I spent time reading the Bible each day at home. The children and I prayed together more.
Over time, I began to trust others at church--believers in Christ who proved to be loving and supportive. As I made friends with safe people, I eventually met a couple who knew Joe. I had vowed that I would never trust another man, but Joe was different. I had never met a man with such a strong sense of commitment to protecting others from harm. For the first time in my life, I felt safe within a relationship.
When we meet someone like Joe, we get a glimpse of God's character. As we spend time with Godly people, we begin to understand God's grace. When we make mistakes and apologize, Christian friends are quick to forgive. And their love doesn't depend on our pleasing them, as it did with the abusers from our past. We learn through our relationships with other mature believers that God can be trusted and that his grace is freely offered to anyone who professes belief in Christ and obeys God's laws with the help of the Holy Spirit.
Today's Challenge
If you cannot trust in God, begin praying today that he will help you to believe in Jesus and to surrender control of your life to him. He will empower you through the Holy Spirit to have faith. Other believers can help you in your quest to experience all of God's attributes, including grace. Find a church that teaches only the Bible, and God's goodness will lead you onward.
What is grace?
Webster's Dictionary defines grace as: 1) unmerited divine assistance given man for his regeneration or sanctification; 2) a virtue coming from God; and 3) a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace.
This means that God grants unearned favors to people so that they can avoid punishment. God can give us daily grace for the sins we commit, and he can give us eternal grace in place of the punishment that we deserve.
God chooses the recipients of his grace.
God freely gives his unmerited favor to those whom he chooses. He said in Exodus 33:19 (NIV): "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion."
We cannot work to earn grace.
The apostle Paul emphasized that grace is the opposite of human effort. God chooses some people to be recipients of his grace, while others miss out on it: At the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace. (Romans 11:5-6 NIV) In other words, we cannot earn grace through any human effort; God gets to decide who receives his free gift of grace.
Some churches teach incorrectly that we are justified by grace plus some merit of our own. Examples of this merit include confessions, hardships, penalties, or compensation that believers must pay in order to be pardoned by a priest. The Bible tells us clearly that we cannot win God's grace through any efforts such as these.
The beginning of God's grace is faith in Christ.
The Bible clearly teaches that faith in Christ is a requirement for all people who want God's grace. Paul's letter to the Roman church states, This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:22-23 NIV)
Paul's message is clear: everyone needs God's grace, because everyone sins. And the only way to get grace is to have faith in Jesus Christ.
What is faith?
Faith means that we quit relying on ourselves and trust in our heavenly Father to provide for us. It means that we quit demanding guarantees in life and start taking action, even when we aren't sure of the outcome.
For survivors of abuse who are perfectionists, faith becomes a huge challenge. Our earthly parents were not the type of people anyone would trust. If our human fathers molested us, why would we ever put our trust in a God who is called Father?
I understand this fear, because I have struggled with it for most of my life. But we cannot allow our experiences with our earthly fathers to destroy the beautiful relationship that God has in store for us. To do so allows our earthly fathers to maintain power over us.
Sadly, some women who were sexually abused make the decision that they will never trust any man, including God. Some victims choose other women as sexual partners after being victimized by men. I understand the hurt that leads to this type of behavior, but avoiding all men is not the answer, nor is homosexuality. The Bible clearly states in I Corinthians 6:9-10 (NIV):
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
Trusting in God to grant us grace must come before we can forgive.
Clearly, the inability to trust in God stands as a roadblock to forgiving others. Unless we first understand and experience God's grace for ourselves, we cannot fathom how he could possibly give that gift to people who molest children or commit crimes against us.
The continuing of God's grace is through obedience to God's commands.
For most of my life, the concept of grace has stood as a roadblock to forgiveness for me. It wasn't until I met Joe that I began to understand why.
I was raised in a church which taught that grace was free to anyone if they merely believed in Christ. I knew that my father was a child molester, and my mother was an alcoholic abuser. And yet, they claimed weekly to have earned God's unmerited favor through their confession of sins at church. This just did not make sense to me.
When I married Joe, we attended a church that taught the full meaning of grace. It begins with faith, but it continues with obedience to God's commands. A light dawned for me! My parents had only figured out the first step as potential recipients of God's grace. They had never caught on to the fact that their continued disobedience to God's laws could cause them to miss out on his grace.
If we truly have faith in Christ--trust in God and not in ourselves--it produces obedience to God's commands. The Bible clearly tells us, Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:17 NIV)
My siblings and I finally understand why our parents do not enjoy God's grace: Mom and Dad profess belief in Christ, but they are not living in obedience to God's laws. As James pointed out above, this type of faith is dead.
How do we learn to trust again so that we can receive God's grace?
We may ask how it is possible for us to ever trust someone again after being victimized by an abuser. The answer lies in the fact that God graciously gives us the Holy Spirit to empower us. Paul wrote, But by the grace of God I am what I am.(2 Cor 3:6 NIV)
For me, learning to trust again began with leaving my abusive first husband and distancing myself from my parents. It's impossible to trust anyone when every day begins with a fight for survival.
The ability to trust grew when I made the decision to dig deeper into God's Word. I began attending a church that offered Bible studies, and I spent time reading the Bible each day at home. The children and I prayed together more.
Over time, I began to trust others at church--believers in Christ who proved to be loving and supportive. As I made friends with safe people, I eventually met a couple who knew Joe. I had vowed that I would never trust another man, but Joe was different. I had never met a man with such a strong sense of commitment to protecting others from harm. For the first time in my life, I felt safe within a relationship.
When we meet someone like Joe, we get a glimpse of God's character. As we spend time with Godly people, we begin to understand God's grace. When we make mistakes and apologize, Christian friends are quick to forgive. And their love doesn't depend on our pleasing them, as it did with the abusers from our past. We learn through our relationships with other mature believers that God can be trusted and that his grace is freely offered to anyone who professes belief in Christ and obeys God's laws with the help of the Holy Spirit.
Today's Challenge
If you cannot trust in God, begin praying today that he will help you to believe in Jesus and to surrender control of your life to him. He will empower you through the Holy Spirit to have faith. Other believers can help you in your quest to experience all of God's attributes, including grace. Find a church that teaches only the Bible, and God's goodness will lead you onward.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Practice Random Acts of Righteousness
Yesterday, we learned that righteousness means that we follow a moral code or law to keep ourselves from sin. God is himself the perfect standard for righteousness, and everything he does is right. If we want to forgive others, we must begin with an understanding of what righteous acts look like. Today, we continue with our study of righteousness in our quest to forgive people who have deeply hurt us.
If God is righteousness, we must first understand God's attributes.
God exhibits ten moral attributes that we should seek for ourselves if we want to become righteous. These moral attributes include:
1) goodness,
2) love,
3) mercy,
4) grace,
5) patience,
6) holiness,
7) peace,
8) justice,
9) protection, and
10) intense hate for all sin.
These are really big concepts, so we're going to tackle one per day.
How does the Bible define goodness?
Goodness means that God is the final standard, and all that he does is good. Good is something that God approves. When we do things that are good, we find delight in them, because God delights in them, too.
God is himself goodness defined.
We can find many passages in the Bible which indicate that God is good. For example, Jesus said, "No one is good--except God alone." (Luke 18:19 NIV) The psalmist wrote, Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. (Psalm 106:1 NIV) And King David wrote, Taste and see that the LORD is good..."(Psalm 34:8 NIV)
Everything that God does is worthy of his approval.
Whatever God does is so good, it is worthy of his complete approval. For example, when God created the world, he stood back and sighed with satisfaction. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day. (Gen. 1:31 NIV)
We must be careful to make the distinction here that God's works are not worthy of our approval, but only of God's. Therefore, he is the final standard of goodness.
God has given us the ability to reflect upon his goodness so that we can evaluate things in the way that he wants us to. We can learn to approve what God approves and take delight in whatever delights him.
God is the source of all good in the world.
If anything is truly good, it comes from God. James wrote, Every good an perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17 NIV)
Sometimes, we can be deceived into believing that something evil is good. As children who suffered from sexual abuse, we may have been told that our perpetrator's sick need for sexual gratification at our expense was something good. We may have been told that we were good while we were being molested.
It is important to remember that whatever is truly good comes from God. If we are engaging in behaviors that are immoral or wrong, they cannot be labeled good. The only way to learn how to distinguish what is truly good and what is evil is to study God's Word.
I wrote in earlier posts that I had found Healing Touch to be something good for pain relief and spiritual enlightenment. But as I read more of God's Word, I discovered that the people teaching Healing Touch were doing something evil and labeling it good. Their practices began in witchcraft and other religions that are in direct opposition to the Christian faith. The only way I came to this understanding was through a thorough understanding of God's righteousness that I found in the Bible.
The apostle Paul said, "Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by contant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." (Hebrews 5:13-14 NIV) Through a study of God's goodness, we can grow into mature Christians who can stand up to people who tempt us to do evil things and call them good.
God only does good things for his children.
Unlike our earthly fathers, God only does good things for us. We can find assurance in Romans 8:28 (NIV) that God wants to do good for us: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.
This does not mean that the minute we become Christians, all bad things will cease in our lives. There will still be times when we encounter evil, but we will better understand that even when bad things happen, God will do something to bring good from it.
To clarify this for you, God did not desire for me to be sexually abused. However, he has shown me how he plans to use my experience for good. My pain has led me to help others who share similar experiences. All over the world, people are finding comfort in the words that I share with them.
As another example, my study of Healing Touch brought me a lot of spiritual pain. I felt tremendous embarrassment over the fact that I had been duped into believing that something evil was good. However, as soon as I figured out my error, God put the wheels in motion to turn that bad experience into something good.
My minister thanked me for sharing the truth about healing touch with him; he had been looking for answers about alternative medicine for an upcoming sermon series. A fellow believer thanked me for the information, because it gave her the ammunition she needed to say no to someone who wanted her to get involved in Reiki, another type of healing which is not based in Christianity.
We should imitate God's goodness.
Whenever we can, we should do good. The apostle Paul wrote, "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Gal. 6:10 NIV) If it is unclear to us how to be good, we must learn that God is the one we should imitate.
God's #1 goal is for us to become more like Christ each day.
I wrote in previous blogs about developing goals for ourselves. I am learning that it is okay to have goals, provided that they help us to become more like Christ each day. When I discovered that Healing Touch was not pleasing to God, I ended all involvement in the program.
If you've been working on goals, look back over them and ask yourself, "Will this goal help me to become more like Christ each day?" If the answer is no, revise the goal or eliminate it.
You can also ask, "Does this goal reflect God's goodness, and will it develop in me the characteristic of goodness?" Sometimes, it is difficult to see the difference between a goal that makes us feel good and a goal that makes us good.
Getting even with our perpetrator through vengeful actions may make us feel good, but they will never make us good. Using alcohol, drugs, overwork, shopping, or other addictions may make us feel good temporarily, but they will never make us good in the way that God wants us to be.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how you see God's goodness in your life. Is there anything that you are doing that feels good, but is really evil? If you are trapped in a habit that is not good, find an accountability partner or counselor to help you find your way out of it. Imitating God's goodness must come before we can learn how to forgive.
If God is righteousness, we must first understand God's attributes.
God exhibits ten moral attributes that we should seek for ourselves if we want to become righteous. These moral attributes include:
1) goodness,
2) love,
3) mercy,
4) grace,
5) patience,
6) holiness,
7) peace,
8) justice,
9) protection, and
10) intense hate for all sin.
These are really big concepts, so we're going to tackle one per day.
How does the Bible define goodness?
Goodness means that God is the final standard, and all that he does is good. Good is something that God approves. When we do things that are good, we find delight in them, because God delights in them, too.
God is himself goodness defined.
We can find many passages in the Bible which indicate that God is good. For example, Jesus said, "No one is good--except God alone." (Luke 18:19 NIV) The psalmist wrote, Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. (Psalm 106:1 NIV) And King David wrote, Taste and see that the LORD is good..."(Psalm 34:8 NIV)
Everything that God does is worthy of his approval.
Whatever God does is so good, it is worthy of his complete approval. For example, when God created the world, he stood back and sighed with satisfaction. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day. (Gen. 1:31 NIV)
We must be careful to make the distinction here that God's works are not worthy of our approval, but only of God's. Therefore, he is the final standard of goodness.
God has given us the ability to reflect upon his goodness so that we can evaluate things in the way that he wants us to. We can learn to approve what God approves and take delight in whatever delights him.
God is the source of all good in the world.
If anything is truly good, it comes from God. James wrote, Every good an perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17 NIV)
Sometimes, we can be deceived into believing that something evil is good. As children who suffered from sexual abuse, we may have been told that our perpetrator's sick need for sexual gratification at our expense was something good. We may have been told that we were good while we were being molested.
It is important to remember that whatever is truly good comes from God. If we are engaging in behaviors that are immoral or wrong, they cannot be labeled good. The only way to learn how to distinguish what is truly good and what is evil is to study God's Word.
I wrote in earlier posts that I had found Healing Touch to be something good for pain relief and spiritual enlightenment. But as I read more of God's Word, I discovered that the people teaching Healing Touch were doing something evil and labeling it good. Their practices began in witchcraft and other religions that are in direct opposition to the Christian faith. The only way I came to this understanding was through a thorough understanding of God's righteousness that I found in the Bible.
The apostle Paul said, "Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by contant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." (Hebrews 5:13-14 NIV) Through a study of God's goodness, we can grow into mature Christians who can stand up to people who tempt us to do evil things and call them good.
God only does good things for his children.
Unlike our earthly fathers, God only does good things for us. We can find assurance in Romans 8:28 (NIV) that God wants to do good for us: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.
This does not mean that the minute we become Christians, all bad things will cease in our lives. There will still be times when we encounter evil, but we will better understand that even when bad things happen, God will do something to bring good from it.
To clarify this for you, God did not desire for me to be sexually abused. However, he has shown me how he plans to use my experience for good. My pain has led me to help others who share similar experiences. All over the world, people are finding comfort in the words that I share with them.
As another example, my study of Healing Touch brought me a lot of spiritual pain. I felt tremendous embarrassment over the fact that I had been duped into believing that something evil was good. However, as soon as I figured out my error, God put the wheels in motion to turn that bad experience into something good.
My minister thanked me for sharing the truth about healing touch with him; he had been looking for answers about alternative medicine for an upcoming sermon series. A fellow believer thanked me for the information, because it gave her the ammunition she needed to say no to someone who wanted her to get involved in Reiki, another type of healing which is not based in Christianity.
We should imitate God's goodness.
Whenever we can, we should do good. The apostle Paul wrote, "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Gal. 6:10 NIV) If it is unclear to us how to be good, we must learn that God is the one we should imitate.
God's #1 goal is for us to become more like Christ each day.
I wrote in previous blogs about developing goals for ourselves. I am learning that it is okay to have goals, provided that they help us to become more like Christ each day. When I discovered that Healing Touch was not pleasing to God, I ended all involvement in the program.
If you've been working on goals, look back over them and ask yourself, "Will this goal help me to become more like Christ each day?" If the answer is no, revise the goal or eliminate it.
You can also ask, "Does this goal reflect God's goodness, and will it develop in me the characteristic of goodness?" Sometimes, it is difficult to see the difference between a goal that makes us feel good and a goal that makes us good.
Getting even with our perpetrator through vengeful actions may make us feel good, but they will never make us good. Using alcohol, drugs, overwork, shopping, or other addictions may make us feel good temporarily, but they will never make us good in the way that God wants us to be.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how you see God's goodness in your life. Is there anything that you are doing that feels good, but is really evil? If you are trapped in a habit that is not good, find an accountability partner or counselor to help you find your way out of it. Imitating God's goodness must come before we can learn how to forgive.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Recognize Righteousness
Today, we move into the second part of our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. During Part One, we learned that anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression stand as roadblocks to forigiving.
In Part Two, I will present a ten-step process for achieving the ability to forgive. Today and tomorrow, we will learn how to recognize what it means to be righteous. Because if we are going to forgive, we must learn to recognize how God sees our perpetrators and how he sees us as survivors of criminal acts who need to forgive.
Webster's Dictionary defines the word righteous.
Webster defines righteous as
1: acting in accord with divine or moral law; free from guilt or sin; and
2: morally right or justifiable; arising from an outraged sense of justice or morality.
In other words, to be righteous means that we behave within the confines of a set of laws. We strive to remain free from guilt or sin. And we feel righteous anger when someone breaks those laws.
In order to understand what it means for us to be righteous, we must look at righteousness as an attribute of God's character. If we look to the Bible, we will discover that God is righteousness defined, he always acts in accordance with what is right, and he commands us to do what is right.
How does the Bible define righteous behavior?
The Bible tells us that God himself is the final standard of what is right. God says of himself, "I, the LORD speak the truth, I declare what is right." (Isaiah 45:19 NIV) No one, other than God, is perfectly righteous and completely free from sin.
God always acts in accordance with what is right. Moses said of God, He is the Rock, his works are perfect, all all his ways are just.A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. (Deut. 32:4 NIV)
God commands us to do what is right, and he promises blessings for those who obey him: The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. (Psalm 19:8 NIV) Therefore, whatever human behavior conforms to God's moral character is righteous.
Righteousness and punishment go hand in hand.
In order for God to remain righteous, he must punish sin. Without punishment, God could not be right, and there would be no ultimate justice in the world. When he punishes sin, God is proving to all that he is the ultimate, righteous judge over all things.
I have a new puppy. In order for me to teach her how to be righteous, I must offer rewards for good behavior, as well as punishments for bad behavior. If I praised her for both heeling on a leash and for peeing on my rug, she would never understand the difference between right and wrong. And if all I did was shout at her for every move she made, she would become very confused. We are very much like puppies, needing clear messages from God about the difference between righteousness and sin.
What if we don't believe in God or his righteousness?
We are creatures made by God. We have no right to say that God is unrighteous or unjust. The apostle Paul wrote,
But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purpose and some for common use? (Romans 9:20-21 NIV)
What if we don't believe that God has the right to punish sinners?
If we ever find ourselves in a position of questioning God's authority regarding justice, we can look to Job. When Job questioned God's authority to punish man, he got answers such as these from God:
Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place? (Job 38:12 NIV) Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? (Job 38:35 NIV)
In reply, Job said to God, "I am unworthy--how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth." (Job 40:4 NIV) Like Job, we must recognize that God sets the gold standard for righteousness, and we must accept whatever punishment he deems appropriate for those who sin.
Jesus turns God's wrath into favor for us.
People could call God unrighteous if he did not punish sin. Because a God who does not punish sin is not a righteous God. Therefore, when God sent Jesus to die in our place for our sins, he showed that he could store up past, present and future sins and give them to Jesus on the cross. As a result of Christ's death, believers enjoy God's favor, not his wrath.
Romans 3:21-26 (NIV) clarifies the concept of God's righteousness for us:
But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify: This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished--he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
Every single person has sinned, and no one deserves God's favor. However, God offers us a free gift of eternal life if we believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus as his Son. For people who believe in Jesus, who repent of their sins, and who surrender control of all things to him; there is hope.If we have faith in Christ, Jesus can stand in our place to take our punishment for us. God sent Jesus to prove that he has the right to judge, to punish, and to forgive.
Where do you stand?
If we believe that God's Word is true and that he is the ultimate judge of all things, then we can move forward in our quest to forgive. On the other hand, if we question God's existence, his righteousness, the truth of his Word, or his right to judge; we may find it impossible to forgive.
Without God, we may hold onto those roadblocks to forgiveness, such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred. We may see ourselves in the roles as judge, jury, and executioner, rather than merely in the role of forgiver.
Tomorrow, we will look more closely at what the Bible has to say about righteous acts. For now, we simply need to accept that God is righteous, and he is the only one who has the right to give punishment, withhold it, or send a substitute for it.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down what you believe about God's righteousness and his role in judging sinners. Do you see God as:
1) a deity of nothing but love who never punishes anyone,
2) a deity of nothing but wrath who has it in for us,
3) a deity who is a combination of love and justice, or
4) a distant deity who doesn't care what happens to us?
In Part Two, I will present a ten-step process for achieving the ability to forgive. Today and tomorrow, we will learn how to recognize what it means to be righteous. Because if we are going to forgive, we must learn to recognize how God sees our perpetrators and how he sees us as survivors of criminal acts who need to forgive.
Webster's Dictionary defines the word righteous.
Webster defines righteous as
1: acting in accord with divine or moral law; free from guilt or sin; and
2: morally right or justifiable; arising from an outraged sense of justice or morality.
In other words, to be righteous means that we behave within the confines of a set of laws. We strive to remain free from guilt or sin. And we feel righteous anger when someone breaks those laws.
In order to understand what it means for us to be righteous, we must look at righteousness as an attribute of God's character. If we look to the Bible, we will discover that God is righteousness defined, he always acts in accordance with what is right, and he commands us to do what is right.
How does the Bible define righteous behavior?
The Bible tells us that God himself is the final standard of what is right. God says of himself, "I, the LORD speak the truth, I declare what is right." (Isaiah 45:19 NIV) No one, other than God, is perfectly righteous and completely free from sin.
God always acts in accordance with what is right. Moses said of God, He is the Rock, his works are perfect, all all his ways are just.A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. (Deut. 32:4 NIV)
God commands us to do what is right, and he promises blessings for those who obey him: The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. (Psalm 19:8 NIV) Therefore, whatever human behavior conforms to God's moral character is righteous.
Righteousness and punishment go hand in hand.
In order for God to remain righteous, he must punish sin. Without punishment, God could not be right, and there would be no ultimate justice in the world. When he punishes sin, God is proving to all that he is the ultimate, righteous judge over all things.
I have a new puppy. In order for me to teach her how to be righteous, I must offer rewards for good behavior, as well as punishments for bad behavior. If I praised her for both heeling on a leash and for peeing on my rug, she would never understand the difference between right and wrong. And if all I did was shout at her for every move she made, she would become very confused. We are very much like puppies, needing clear messages from God about the difference between righteousness and sin.
What if we don't believe in God or his righteousness?
We are creatures made by God. We have no right to say that God is unrighteous or unjust. The apostle Paul wrote,
But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purpose and some for common use? (Romans 9:20-21 NIV)
What if we don't believe that God has the right to punish sinners?
If we ever find ourselves in a position of questioning God's authority regarding justice, we can look to Job. When Job questioned God's authority to punish man, he got answers such as these from God:
Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place? (Job 38:12 NIV) Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? (Job 38:35 NIV)
In reply, Job said to God, "I am unworthy--how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth." (Job 40:4 NIV) Like Job, we must recognize that God sets the gold standard for righteousness, and we must accept whatever punishment he deems appropriate for those who sin.
Jesus turns God's wrath into favor for us.
People could call God unrighteous if he did not punish sin. Because a God who does not punish sin is not a righteous God. Therefore, when God sent Jesus to die in our place for our sins, he showed that he could store up past, present and future sins and give them to Jesus on the cross. As a result of Christ's death, believers enjoy God's favor, not his wrath.
Romans 3:21-26 (NIV) clarifies the concept of God's righteousness for us:
But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify: This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished--he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
Every single person has sinned, and no one deserves God's favor. However, God offers us a free gift of eternal life if we believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus as his Son. For people who believe in Jesus, who repent of their sins, and who surrender control of all things to him; there is hope.If we have faith in Christ, Jesus can stand in our place to take our punishment for us. God sent Jesus to prove that he has the right to judge, to punish, and to forgive.
Where do you stand?
If we believe that God's Word is true and that he is the ultimate judge of all things, then we can move forward in our quest to forgive. On the other hand, if we question God's existence, his righteousness, the truth of his Word, or his right to judge; we may find it impossible to forgive.
Without God, we may hold onto those roadblocks to forgiveness, such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred. We may see ourselves in the roles as judge, jury, and executioner, rather than merely in the role of forgiver.
Tomorrow, we will look more closely at what the Bible has to say about righteous acts. For now, we simply need to accept that God is righteous, and he is the only one who has the right to give punishment, withhold it, or send a substitute for it.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down what you believe about God's righteousness and his role in judging sinners. Do you see God as:
1) a deity of nothing but love who never punishes anyone,
2) a deity of nothing but wrath who has it in for us,
3) a deity who is a combination of love and justice, or
4) a distant deity who doesn't care what happens to us?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Use Forgiveness to Overcome Depression
Yesterday, we learned that unforgiveness can lead to depression. When we harbor negative thoughts toward our perpetrators or ourselves, we create a 'leak' in our brain's serotonin supply--the feel-good chemical that helps us to feel happy. Today, we learn about what forgiveness is and what it is not.
Forgiveness is...
Many victims of abuse withhold forgiveness, because they fear that letting go of their anger will cause the abuse to return. If we want to get better, we must realize that trying to forgive allows us:
-to let go of our old hurts,
-to make the decision to move forward,
-to release the negative emotions directed at our perpetrator, and
-to take back our personal power.
Forgiveness is not...
When victims realize that fogiveness does not require the following, they begin to loosen their grip on their bitterness. Forgiveness is not:
-condoning what happened,
-inviting our perpetrator back into our life,
-being friendly with our perpetrator,
-forgetting what happened, or
-ignoring the hurt and hoping it goes away.
We can do the impossible with God's help.
I understand that telling a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to just let go of the hurt may seem simplistic. Making the decision to move forward may feel impossible or overwhelming. Reclaiming any level of personal power may seem laughable.
Remember Ephesians 4:13 (NIV) when you feel that you will be stuck with depression for the rest of your life: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. We may not have the power to change how we feel about our perpetrator. But God can use his power to work incredible changes within us.
Begin with prayer.
At this point, we must begin with prayer. Your prayer might go something like this:
God, help me to let go of my need to control this situation with my abuser. I feel angry and guilty all at the same time. I don't know how to forgive him, but I'm asking you to help me take the first step. I want to move forward with my life and reclaim the personal power that he took from me. I trust you to help me through this. Amen.
Looking ahead.
Beginning Monday, we will work through ten steps for arriving at complete forgiveness. For now, all you have to do is be willing to try this process of forgiving.
Today's Challenge
Review the nine roadblocks to forgiveness that we have identified over the past few weeks: anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. If you're stuck behind one of them, ask a counselor or trusted friend to help you move forward.
Forgiveness is...
Many victims of abuse withhold forgiveness, because they fear that letting go of their anger will cause the abuse to return. If we want to get better, we must realize that trying to forgive allows us:
-to let go of our old hurts,
-to make the decision to move forward,
-to release the negative emotions directed at our perpetrator, and
-to take back our personal power.
Forgiveness is not...
When victims realize that fogiveness does not require the following, they begin to loosen their grip on their bitterness. Forgiveness is not:
-condoning what happened,
-inviting our perpetrator back into our life,
-being friendly with our perpetrator,
-forgetting what happened, or
-ignoring the hurt and hoping it goes away.
We can do the impossible with God's help.
I understand that telling a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to just let go of the hurt may seem simplistic. Making the decision to move forward may feel impossible or overwhelming. Reclaiming any level of personal power may seem laughable.
Remember Ephesians 4:13 (NIV) when you feel that you will be stuck with depression for the rest of your life: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. We may not have the power to change how we feel about our perpetrator. But God can use his power to work incredible changes within us.
Begin with prayer.
At this point, we must begin with prayer. Your prayer might go something like this:
God, help me to let go of my need to control this situation with my abuser. I feel angry and guilty all at the same time. I don't know how to forgive him, but I'm asking you to help me take the first step. I want to move forward with my life and reclaim the personal power that he took from me. I trust you to help me through this. Amen.
Looking ahead.
Beginning Monday, we will work through ten steps for arriving at complete forgiveness. For now, all you have to do is be willing to try this process of forgiving.
Today's Challenge
Review the nine roadblocks to forgiveness that we have identified over the past few weeks: anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. If you're stuck behind one of them, ask a counselor or trusted friend to help you move forward.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Unforgiveness Can Cause Depression
Today, we learn about the ninth, and final, obstacle to forgiveness: depression. This concept is part of my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.
What is depression?
From a clinical perspective, depression often occurs when the brain cannot hold onto serotonin, the feel-good chemical that our bodies naturally produce. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are drugs that were designed to block this 'leaking' of serotonin from our brains.
From an internal perspective, depression is a turning away from the outside world and closing down to everything other than self. I've suffered from depression, and I know how it feels to be so emotionally isolated that nothing seems worth doing anymore. There have been times when I didn't want to eat, sleep, play, or even breathe anymore. I saw myself as a worthless creature, taking up space on a planet where I had become obsolete.
Depression and anxiety surface when we suppress anger.
People who have been emotionally abused usually suffer from depression and anxiety long after they end unhealthy relationships. Many researchers believe that depression and anxiety surface as a result of suppressed anger toward our abusers.
Dr. Paul Meier wrote, "A majority of anxiety disorders involve fear of becoming aware of our unconscious repressed anger toward our abusers or toward ourselves."
Dr. Robert Puff says that depression results from offering quick or false forgiveness to our perpetrators. The result is worse than no forgiveness, because what surfaces is anger. And when we become angry, we feel guilty. To erase our anger and guilt, we engage in unhealthy behaviors aimed at making it all go away, such as: overworking, overeating, drinking, taking drugs, or engaging in other addictive activities.
Why is depression so difficult to overcome?
In many cases of abuse, we can see that depression is merely a cover-up for suppressed anger and guilt. When we are depressed, we dwell on negative thoughts about ourselves or our perpetrators. In turn, those negative thoughts cause further depression. It becomes a downward spiral which we often feel is uncontrollable.
Dr. Meier asserts that unforgiveness drains our brains of the serotonin that we need to feel happy. He claims that many of his patients have quickly overcome their depression through the use of short-term anti-depressant treatment combined with psychotherapy directed at learning to forgive.
I believe that there must be some truth in this assertion, because the depression that has consumed me for most of my life has been slowly dissipating over the past year. I am not taking anti-depressants, nor am I involved in regular psychotherapy sessions. However, I have been studying about and praying about forgiveness on a daily basis. The closer I come to forgiving, the happier I feel.
I would like to say that not all depression is caused by problems with forgiveness. However, I believe that unforgiveness can certainly play a role in preventing us from getting well.
Tomorrow we will learn how to use forgiveness to combat depression. For now, please bear in mind the words of God's prophet, Jeremiah, regarding our role and God's role in forgiveness. Jeremiah said, But you, LORD Almighty, who judge righteously and test the heart and mind, let me see your vengeance on them, for to you I have committed my cause. (Jeremiah 11:20 NIV)
Today's Challenge
Go to http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm. Take the quiz to determine whether or not you are suffering from depression. Tomorrow, we will learn how forgiving can help us to overcome the symptoms of depression.
What is depression?
From a clinical perspective, depression often occurs when the brain cannot hold onto serotonin, the feel-good chemical that our bodies naturally produce. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are drugs that were designed to block this 'leaking' of serotonin from our brains.
From an internal perspective, depression is a turning away from the outside world and closing down to everything other than self. I've suffered from depression, and I know how it feels to be so emotionally isolated that nothing seems worth doing anymore. There have been times when I didn't want to eat, sleep, play, or even breathe anymore. I saw myself as a worthless creature, taking up space on a planet where I had become obsolete.
Depression and anxiety surface when we suppress anger.
People who have been emotionally abused usually suffer from depression and anxiety long after they end unhealthy relationships. Many researchers believe that depression and anxiety surface as a result of suppressed anger toward our abusers.
Dr. Paul Meier wrote, "A majority of anxiety disorders involve fear of becoming aware of our unconscious repressed anger toward our abusers or toward ourselves."
Dr. Robert Puff says that depression results from offering quick or false forgiveness to our perpetrators. The result is worse than no forgiveness, because what surfaces is anger. And when we become angry, we feel guilty. To erase our anger and guilt, we engage in unhealthy behaviors aimed at making it all go away, such as: overworking, overeating, drinking, taking drugs, or engaging in other addictive activities.
Why is depression so difficult to overcome?
In many cases of abuse, we can see that depression is merely a cover-up for suppressed anger and guilt. When we are depressed, we dwell on negative thoughts about ourselves or our perpetrators. In turn, those negative thoughts cause further depression. It becomes a downward spiral which we often feel is uncontrollable.
Dr. Meier asserts that unforgiveness drains our brains of the serotonin that we need to feel happy. He claims that many of his patients have quickly overcome their depression through the use of short-term anti-depressant treatment combined with psychotherapy directed at learning to forgive.
I believe that there must be some truth in this assertion, because the depression that has consumed me for most of my life has been slowly dissipating over the past year. I am not taking anti-depressants, nor am I involved in regular psychotherapy sessions. However, I have been studying about and praying about forgiveness on a daily basis. The closer I come to forgiving, the happier I feel.
I would like to say that not all depression is caused by problems with forgiveness. However, I believe that unforgiveness can certainly play a role in preventing us from getting well.
Tomorrow we will learn how to use forgiveness to combat depression. For now, please bear in mind the words of God's prophet, Jeremiah, regarding our role and God's role in forgiveness. Jeremiah said, But you, LORD Almighty, who judge righteously and test the heart and mind, let me see your vengeance on them, for to you I have committed my cause. (Jeremiah 11:20 NIV)
Today's Challenge
Go to http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm. Take the quiz to determine whether or not you are suffering from depression. Tomorrow, we will learn how forgiving can help us to overcome the symptoms of depression.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Letting Go of Pride
We continue today with our discussion about pride, the seventh obstacle in our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.
Last time, we learned that pride prevents us from forgiving others, because we see ourselves as superior to those who have hurt us. When we fail to see our own sin in doing this, we hinder our spiritual growth. God can't help us to grow up if we can't admit that we are sinning, too.
So, how do we overcome this issue of pride? I see pride removal as a 7-step process, as follows.
1) Be honest with yourself.
I found the following list on a posting by Evangelical Village. Read the list and keep track of how many questions you answer with a yes.
-Are your feelings hurt easily?
-Does it irritate you when people don’t agree with you?
-Does it really bother you when someone corrects your mistakes?
-Is it hard for you to admit mistakes?
-Do you think you are usually right and others are usually wrong?
-Do you find it hard to compromise? Is it your way or no way?
-Are you often stressed?
-Do you find yourself giving more criticisms than compliments?
-Are you quick to judge other people on first appearance?
-Are you usually more concerned with your needs and wants than for others?
-If someone has hurt you in the past, do you hold onto bitterness?
-Do you seek praise for things such as beauty, talents, and abilities?
-Do you feel offended when not given credit for something you have done?
-Do you often compete or compare yourself with someone else?
-Are you always trying to do better or have more than someone else?
-Do you neglect seeking the help of God through Scripture and prayer?
-Are you avoiding the help of other Christians?
-Do you see yourself as having eliminated most of the sin in your life?
If you have more than 5 yes answers, you've probably got pride issues. Read on to discover how to eliminate this problem.
2) Admit your sin of pride to God.
When a person commits a crime, he goes to court, where a prosecuting attorney attempts to reveal his offenses to a judge. A defense attorney tries to convince the judge that the defendant is innocent. If the person is found guilty, he stands before the judge to hear his sentence. What a terrifying moment that must be!
At the end of our lives, Jesus will sit as the ultimate judge of everything we have done. There will be no prosecutor or defense attorney, because Christ sees all truth about us without anyone's assistance. Our sins and our good deeds will speak for themselves.
What amazes me is that when Jesus announces we are guilty, he will step down from his judge's seat to offer himself as a substitution for our punishment--provided we have repented, expressed our belief in Christ, and done our best to turn away from our sinful nature. What a relief it will be to know that we have escaped a horrific punishment!
The thought of facing God's judgment always causes me to think twice about pride. Wouldn't it be awful for my father to be invited into heaven after repenting, while I found myself destined for hell as a result of my unforgiving heart?
Here is a sobering thought: our perpetrators may very well wind up in Heaven, where they will love us perfectly, just as Jesus does. The true test of whether or not we have stopped feeling supeiror to our enemies is whether or not we feel resentment when thinking about experiencing eternal life with them. If we can't see ourselves sharing the joys of Heaven with our enemies, it's time to admit that pride is holding us back from forgiving.
3) Ask God to remove all feelings of pride.
If God can see through us, he knows about our prideful thoughts. He sees the way we treat our enemies with disdain. He understands our hurts and why we keep ourselves separate from others emotionally. Trying to hide these attitudes from him is a waste of energy.
God has used my father's upcoming court hearing to teach me that I needed to learn humility. In the past few weeks, I have come to understand that I am in need of a heart change as much as my father is. I used to think that child molestation was a far more heinous crime than anything I have ever done. But my crimes of hatred, bitterness, resentment, and pride are just as bad.
4) Tell an accountability partner about your prideful nature.
We need to find someone to help us put our pride into perspective. A well-experienced minister, Christian counselor, or a mature believer can listen to us talk about our air of superiority.
I discovered that confessing my sin of pride to God and to a minister brought me tremendous releif. It drained me of all my hard-driving ambition that has caused me terrible stress. Without pride, I no longer have to work so hard to control the outcomes of numerous situations.
Interestingly, when I let go of pride and the need to control outcomes, God came rushing in to surprise me with unexpected blessings. People began to come to me, looking for guidance in their spiritual lives. I got a generous government check in the mail that I wasn't expecting. My perspective shifted so completely, I began to see many people with greater compassion. My ability to extend grace grew by leaps and bounds.
5) Ask others to pray for you as you overcome pride.
Someimes, our own prayers just don't feel very effective, particlarly when we're struggling with something as thorny as pride. I've asked others to pray for me, and I know that they are. I feel tremendous peace at a time when I would ordinarily experience high levels of stress.
6) Pray for your enemy.
A good friend told me years ago that I should pray for my perpetrator. This felt so unnatural, but I have since learned that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Eph. 4:13) My friend suggested that I pray for my enemy to have what I do: peace, love, joy, and a relationship with God.
Jesus used great wisdom when he taught, "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." (Matt 5:44 NIV) The Lord knew when he made this statement that it's difficult to feel superior to someone while praying for them.
7) Avoid making negative comments about your enemy.
If we are going to overcome pride, we must constantly work on it. We can't go back to making negative comments about our enemy or criticize what he is doing with his life. If we find ourselves in the company of people who suck us into such behavior, we must find a way to change the tone of the conversation or to remove ourselves from it.
We need to think about the positive qualities in our perpetrator. If we can't muster up any, then we can think about Christ's beautiful nature. Philippians 4:8 (NIV) reminds us: Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how pride has kept you from forgiving someone who has hurt you. Share the contents of your writing with God. Ask him to reveal his mercy for your enemy through this experience. If you don't yet have an accountability partner, find someone you can trust. Tell her about your struggle with pride and ask her to pray for you. Together, pray for your enemy.
Last time, we learned that pride prevents us from forgiving others, because we see ourselves as superior to those who have hurt us. When we fail to see our own sin in doing this, we hinder our spiritual growth. God can't help us to grow up if we can't admit that we are sinning, too.
So, how do we overcome this issue of pride? I see pride removal as a 7-step process, as follows.
1) Be honest with yourself.
I found the following list on a posting by Evangelical Village. Read the list and keep track of how many questions you answer with a yes.
-Are your feelings hurt easily?
-Does it irritate you when people don’t agree with you?
-Does it really bother you when someone corrects your mistakes?
-Is it hard for you to admit mistakes?
-Do you think you are usually right and others are usually wrong?
-Do you find it hard to compromise? Is it your way or no way?
-Are you often stressed?
-Do you find yourself giving more criticisms than compliments?
-Are you quick to judge other people on first appearance?
-Are you usually more concerned with your needs and wants than for others?
-If someone has hurt you in the past, do you hold onto bitterness?
-Do you seek praise for things such as beauty, talents, and abilities?
-Do you feel offended when not given credit for something you have done?
-Do you often compete or compare yourself with someone else?
-Are you always trying to do better or have more than someone else?
-Do you neglect seeking the help of God through Scripture and prayer?
-Are you avoiding the help of other Christians?
-Do you see yourself as having eliminated most of the sin in your life?
If you have more than 5 yes answers, you've probably got pride issues. Read on to discover how to eliminate this problem.
2) Admit your sin of pride to God.
When a person commits a crime, he goes to court, where a prosecuting attorney attempts to reveal his offenses to a judge. A defense attorney tries to convince the judge that the defendant is innocent. If the person is found guilty, he stands before the judge to hear his sentence. What a terrifying moment that must be!
At the end of our lives, Jesus will sit as the ultimate judge of everything we have done. There will be no prosecutor or defense attorney, because Christ sees all truth about us without anyone's assistance. Our sins and our good deeds will speak for themselves.
What amazes me is that when Jesus announces we are guilty, he will step down from his judge's seat to offer himself as a substitution for our punishment--provided we have repented, expressed our belief in Christ, and done our best to turn away from our sinful nature. What a relief it will be to know that we have escaped a horrific punishment!
The thought of facing God's judgment always causes me to think twice about pride. Wouldn't it be awful for my father to be invited into heaven after repenting, while I found myself destined for hell as a result of my unforgiving heart?
Here is a sobering thought: our perpetrators may very well wind up in Heaven, where they will love us perfectly, just as Jesus does. The true test of whether or not we have stopped feeling supeiror to our enemies is whether or not we feel resentment when thinking about experiencing eternal life with them. If we can't see ourselves sharing the joys of Heaven with our enemies, it's time to admit that pride is holding us back from forgiving.
3) Ask God to remove all feelings of pride.
If God can see through us, he knows about our prideful thoughts. He sees the way we treat our enemies with disdain. He understands our hurts and why we keep ourselves separate from others emotionally. Trying to hide these attitudes from him is a waste of energy.
God has used my father's upcoming court hearing to teach me that I needed to learn humility. In the past few weeks, I have come to understand that I am in need of a heart change as much as my father is. I used to think that child molestation was a far more heinous crime than anything I have ever done. But my crimes of hatred, bitterness, resentment, and pride are just as bad.
4) Tell an accountability partner about your prideful nature.
We need to find someone to help us put our pride into perspective. A well-experienced minister, Christian counselor, or a mature believer can listen to us talk about our air of superiority.
I discovered that confessing my sin of pride to God and to a minister brought me tremendous releif. It drained me of all my hard-driving ambition that has caused me terrible stress. Without pride, I no longer have to work so hard to control the outcomes of numerous situations.
Interestingly, when I let go of pride and the need to control outcomes, God came rushing in to surprise me with unexpected blessings. People began to come to me, looking for guidance in their spiritual lives. I got a generous government check in the mail that I wasn't expecting. My perspective shifted so completely, I began to see many people with greater compassion. My ability to extend grace grew by leaps and bounds.
5) Ask others to pray for you as you overcome pride.
Someimes, our own prayers just don't feel very effective, particlarly when we're struggling with something as thorny as pride. I've asked others to pray for me, and I know that they are. I feel tremendous peace at a time when I would ordinarily experience high levels of stress.
6) Pray for your enemy.
A good friend told me years ago that I should pray for my perpetrator. This felt so unnatural, but I have since learned that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Eph. 4:13) My friend suggested that I pray for my enemy to have what I do: peace, love, joy, and a relationship with God.
Jesus used great wisdom when he taught, "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." (Matt 5:44 NIV) The Lord knew when he made this statement that it's difficult to feel superior to someone while praying for them.
7) Avoid making negative comments about your enemy.
If we are going to overcome pride, we must constantly work on it. We can't go back to making negative comments about our enemy or criticize what he is doing with his life. If we find ourselves in the company of people who suck us into such behavior, we must find a way to change the tone of the conversation or to remove ourselves from it.
We need to think about the positive qualities in our perpetrator. If we can't muster up any, then we can think about Christ's beautiful nature. Philippians 4:8 (NIV) reminds us: Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how pride has kept you from forgiving someone who has hurt you. Share the contents of your writing with God. Ask him to reveal his mercy for your enemy through this experience. If you don't yet have an accountability partner, find someone you can trust. Tell her about your struggle with pride and ask her to pray for you. Together, pray for your enemy.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Unforgiveness is a Pride Issue
We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, with a lesson about pride. This is the seventh out of nine roadblocks that we will cover.
Excessive pride is a tell-tale sign of an unforgiving spirit.
When we encounter people who are very prideful, we can quickly seee that they suffer from unforgiveness. If we criticize them, they lash out at us and deny any wrong-doing. They may even turn the tables on us and criticize us.
In my opinion, people with excessive pride have often been deeply wounded in the past by someone they trusted. They have never learned humility, because they are terrified of getting hurt again. By seeing themselves as superior to everyone else, they come to the mistaken conclusion that they are invincible. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Proverbs 16:18 (NIV) reminds us, Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. We can see by this Scripture reference that pride does not make us invincible. In fact, the opposite is true: it makes us vulnerable to destruction.
Pride becomes a wall around a person that does not allow others to get close. It's a very high wall that can even keep God at a distance. The wall must come down before forgiveness can take place.
Prideful people see others as inferior.
When we consider the person who has hurt us, we may often think that we are better than he is. After all, we say in our own defense, he's the one who sinned and needs to be punished. I was just the victim. This kind of thinking gets us into a lot of trouble.
Matthew 7:1-2 reads, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." In other words, when we judge our perpetrators, we put ourselves into a position to receive equal punishment.
Pride harms our health.
We learned in earlier lessons that anger and vengeful thinking can cause increases in our blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol levels, and cholesterol readings. Believing that we are superior to our perpetrators can also damage our health.
Pride harms our relationship with God.
If we are living with a prideful attitude toward someone who has hurt us, we are limiting our spiritual connection to God. There is no room for spiritual growth in a heart that is swelled with pride.
The bottom line about pride is this: it sends the message that we are rejecting God. How can we say that we have a close relationship to God when we refuse to forgive others? How can we love him if we see ourselves as superior to everyone else, including our Maker? As long as pride remains, our spiritual future looks pretty dim.
Luke 5:8(NIV) provides us with an excellent example of humility in the apostle Peter. As it became apparent to him that Jesus was the Son of God, he was terrified. The passage reads, When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” When we discover humility like this, we will find ways to forgive others who hurt us.
We are accountable for our own actions.
I met a man yesterday who believes that revenge is a good thing, because it makes him feel satisfied to know that his perpetrator is suffering. This is clearly sinful behavior, because God calls us to love one another, not to torment our neighbor through harmful thoughts and actions.
While we may feel justified in wanting to harm people who hurt us, we learned yesterday that justice is God's job, not ours. We are responsible for judging ourselves, not our perpetrators. They are going to be held accountable under our man-made laws and under God's laws for the wrongs they have committed. At the same time, we will be held accountable to God for our failure to see ourselves as sinners who are no better than our perpetrators.
We all deserve the death penalty.
Romans 3:23 (NIV) reads, For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. We are all sinners in this world. Not one person has ever been perfect, except for Jesus. If we believe that we are perfect, or even superior to others, we are sinners equal with our perpetrators.
Romans 6:23 (NIV) reminds us, For the wages of sin is death. In other words, we all deserve to die for our sinful actions. But because God loves us so much, he sent Jesus as a one-time sacrifice for everyone's sins (Romans 5:8).
We must judge ourselves first, before God gets the opportunity. Surrendering before him in a spirit of humility and fearful respect is imperative if we want to lose our prideful attitudes and learn to forgive.
Next Tuesday, my father will receive his sentence for just one of several crimes involving children whom he molested. I have thought about how he will feel when the judge tells my father how long he must stay in jail. What if I were standing before that judge? I would be terrified and want someone to take my place, if that were possible.
While my father may not be able to escape the punishment of our judicial system, he can avoid eternal punishment by surrendering himself in humility before Christ. I can do the same by coming to the understanding that I am no better than my father.
Some day, we will both stand before Jesus to be judged. It has taken me a long time to admit this, but I'm no better than my father. My sins are just different. Harboring anger, fears, lack of trust, revenge, pride, and hatred for my father could lead to a death sentence for me. Living with those feelings, in my opinion, is equivalent to hell on earth.
On Monday, we will learn how to remove the pride that hinders our spiritual growth. We will finish out next week with discussions about how hatred and depression stand as roadblocks to forgiveness.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal. Write God at the top of a clean page. Write the names of everyone who has hurt you below that. Write your name last. Recognize that you are no better than all of the people named above. Our omnipotent God sees everyone clearly through the eyes of love, and he discovers the truth about us by looking into each person's heart.
Excessive pride is a tell-tale sign of an unforgiving spirit.
When we encounter people who are very prideful, we can quickly seee that they suffer from unforgiveness. If we criticize them, they lash out at us and deny any wrong-doing. They may even turn the tables on us and criticize us.
In my opinion, people with excessive pride have often been deeply wounded in the past by someone they trusted. They have never learned humility, because they are terrified of getting hurt again. By seeing themselves as superior to everyone else, they come to the mistaken conclusion that they are invincible. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Proverbs 16:18 (NIV) reminds us, Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. We can see by this Scripture reference that pride does not make us invincible. In fact, the opposite is true: it makes us vulnerable to destruction.
Pride becomes a wall around a person that does not allow others to get close. It's a very high wall that can even keep God at a distance. The wall must come down before forgiveness can take place.
Prideful people see others as inferior.
When we consider the person who has hurt us, we may often think that we are better than he is. After all, we say in our own defense, he's the one who sinned and needs to be punished. I was just the victim. This kind of thinking gets us into a lot of trouble.
Matthew 7:1-2 reads, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." In other words, when we judge our perpetrators, we put ourselves into a position to receive equal punishment.
Pride harms our health.
We learned in earlier lessons that anger and vengeful thinking can cause increases in our blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol levels, and cholesterol readings. Believing that we are superior to our perpetrators can also damage our health.
Pride harms our relationship with God.
If we are living with a prideful attitude toward someone who has hurt us, we are limiting our spiritual connection to God. There is no room for spiritual growth in a heart that is swelled with pride.
The bottom line about pride is this: it sends the message that we are rejecting God. How can we say that we have a close relationship to God when we refuse to forgive others? How can we love him if we see ourselves as superior to everyone else, including our Maker? As long as pride remains, our spiritual future looks pretty dim.
Luke 5:8(NIV) provides us with an excellent example of humility in the apostle Peter. As it became apparent to him that Jesus was the Son of God, he was terrified. The passage reads, When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” When we discover humility like this, we will find ways to forgive others who hurt us.
We are accountable for our own actions.
I met a man yesterday who believes that revenge is a good thing, because it makes him feel satisfied to know that his perpetrator is suffering. This is clearly sinful behavior, because God calls us to love one another, not to torment our neighbor through harmful thoughts and actions.
While we may feel justified in wanting to harm people who hurt us, we learned yesterday that justice is God's job, not ours. We are responsible for judging ourselves, not our perpetrators. They are going to be held accountable under our man-made laws and under God's laws for the wrongs they have committed. At the same time, we will be held accountable to God for our failure to see ourselves as sinners who are no better than our perpetrators.
We all deserve the death penalty.
Romans 3:23 (NIV) reads, For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. We are all sinners in this world. Not one person has ever been perfect, except for Jesus. If we believe that we are perfect, or even superior to others, we are sinners equal with our perpetrators.
Romans 6:23 (NIV) reminds us, For the wages of sin is death. In other words, we all deserve to die for our sinful actions. But because God loves us so much, he sent Jesus as a one-time sacrifice for everyone's sins (Romans 5:8).
We must judge ourselves first, before God gets the opportunity. Surrendering before him in a spirit of humility and fearful respect is imperative if we want to lose our prideful attitudes and learn to forgive.
Next Tuesday, my father will receive his sentence for just one of several crimes involving children whom he molested. I have thought about how he will feel when the judge tells my father how long he must stay in jail. What if I were standing before that judge? I would be terrified and want someone to take my place, if that were possible.
While my father may not be able to escape the punishment of our judicial system, he can avoid eternal punishment by surrendering himself in humility before Christ. I can do the same by coming to the understanding that I am no better than my father.
Some day, we will both stand before Jesus to be judged. It has taken me a long time to admit this, but I'm no better than my father. My sins are just different. Harboring anger, fears, lack of trust, revenge, pride, and hatred for my father could lead to a death sentence for me. Living with those feelings, in my opinion, is equivalent to hell on earth.
On Monday, we will learn how to remove the pride that hinders our spiritual growth. We will finish out next week with discussions about how hatred and depression stand as roadblocks to forgiveness.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal. Write God at the top of a clean page. Write the names of everyone who has hurt you below that. Write your name last. Recognize that you are no better than all of the people named above. Our omnipotent God sees everyone clearly through the eyes of love, and he discovers the truth about us by looking into each person's heart.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Letting Go of Vengeful Thinking
Yesterday, we learned that childhood sexual abuse creates anger within us. When that anger remains unexpressed, it can often evolve into fantasies of revenge. At times, it bubbles over as passive-aggressive behavior. Today, we learn how to let go of our vengeful thoughts so that we can move forward in our journey toward forgiveness. Revenge is the sixth roadblock in my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.
Vengeful thoughts keep us in a state of ill health and inner turmoil.
Vengeful thinking stems from repressed anger. If you think back to last week's lesson on anger, you'll recall that it's not healthy to hang onto anger. It causes increases in our blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol levels, and cholesterol readings.
In addition to the physical harm we cause ourselves by remaining bitter, we also create one of the biggest roadblocks to forgiveness. When we think about revenge, we stay hyper-focused on our angry thoughts. Not only does this block us from forgiving, but it also prevents us from living with the type of internal peace that we must have to feel emotionally healthy.
Letting go of bitterness opens the door to healing.
If we think of forgiveness as something that we can only give away, we are missing half of the concept. We forgive, because it is a gift we can give ourselves. When we let go of our bitterness and thoughts of revenge, we free ourselves to begin a new life of inner calm.
Without thoughts of revenge, we can grow spiritually, find emotional renewal, express the truth, and regain our self-respect. This sounds wonderful, but perhaps you're wondering how to find this elusive place in your mind. The process may take a long time, but I found that the following three steps were helpful to me.
1) Acknowledge that you're angry.
Joe and I took a vacation a few years ago to a remote cabin in northern Michigan. The place was devoid of televisions, computers, phones, radios, and people. We thought it was going to be great, but there was one problem: I packed anger in my bags without even realizing it. And it was coming out in passive-aggression toward my innocent husband. I realized that when we remove all of the busy-ness of our lives, we find the junk that we've been carrying around all of our lives.
2) Get it out and get on with your life.
During this getaway, I was biting poor Joe's head off. He looked so miserable, I decided that I'd better figure out what was bothering me. I wandered out of the cabin on a drizzly day and sat by the sodden fire pit. I asked God to reveal to me why I felt so enraged.
It didn't take long for the answer to come: my mother had neglected my needs all of my life, and whenever we took family vacations, I felt even greater isolation. Our little getaway was triggering memories of my mother's drinking and oblivion to my needs to play and explore our vacation spots.
A therapist had once told me to find objects that I could label with my unmet needs and anger. I decided to pick up small twigs that had fallen from the pine trees. After I had gathered a hefty pile of twigs, I found a hatchet. As instructed earlier in counseling, I named each twig and then gave it a whack. "This is for never reading me a bedtime story." Whack. "This is for calling me worse than yesterday's trash." Whack. And so it continued, until I had named every reason for being angry with my mother. It took quite a while, but when I was done, I felt drained.
3) Let go and let God.
I sat there, staring at my pile of twigs. I hated the way my anger made me feel, and I didn't want to haul it around during my entire vacation. It was time to let it go.
A light mist continued falling, and the odds of lighting a fire were slim to none. But I knew that I had to fully destroy this anger before it destroyed me. With a large box of matches, I worked and worked to set that bunch of anger on fire. When it caught at last, I sat back and watched the blue smoke curling heavenward. "Take it God," I said. "I don't want to live with it anymore."
As I watched the smoke rising, I felt incredible release. I felt God's presence in a way that I never had before. Suddenly, I understood the pain he felt over my abuse, as well as the sorrow he felt over my refusal to give it to him. I felt comforted and completely at peace.
Romans 8:6 (NIV) tells us, The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Holding onto revenge will lead us to an early death, and perhaps even spiritual death. Letting go and giving our anger to God allows his Spirit to fill us with life-giving peace.
Letting go is just the beginning of forgiving.
Please note that this process did not yet involve my forgiving my mother. I am still working on that, and I'm sure it is going to take time. I merely let go of the anger, the vengeful thoughts, and the bitterness that had been consuming me most of my life.
When we let go of vengeful thinking and the anger that causes it, we find a new inner peace. Nothing changes for the person who has hurt us, because this process is something we do for ourselves. Down the road, there may be time for healing in our perpetrator's heart when he is ready for it. For now, we simply love ourselves enough to give our anger and vengeful thoughts to God.
Today's Challenge
Find some destructible objects that you can name with the vengeful thoughts and anger you feel toward someone who has hurt you. These might be twigs, balloons, clay pigeons, old china plates, and so on. You can name your revenge verbally or write your angry thoughts on your destructible objects. Find a way to destroy them that brings you physical release, such as stomping hard on balloons or hurling plates into a garbage can. Just make sure that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else in the process. When you are finished destroying all of your anger, tell God that it's his mess now. Spend a few minutes savoring the peace that follows. Write in your journal how you feel. This post is an excerpt from the book, The Road to Forgiveness: Removing the Roadblocks. To purchase your e-book version, please visit the author's Smashwords page.
Vengeful thoughts keep us in a state of ill health and inner turmoil.
Vengeful thinking stems from repressed anger. If you think back to last week's lesson on anger, you'll recall that it's not healthy to hang onto anger. It causes increases in our blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol levels, and cholesterol readings.
In addition to the physical harm we cause ourselves by remaining bitter, we also create one of the biggest roadblocks to forgiveness. When we think about revenge, we stay hyper-focused on our angry thoughts. Not only does this block us from forgiving, but it also prevents us from living with the type of internal peace that we must have to feel emotionally healthy.
Letting go of bitterness opens the door to healing.
If we think of forgiveness as something that we can only give away, we are missing half of the concept. We forgive, because it is a gift we can give ourselves. When we let go of our bitterness and thoughts of revenge, we free ourselves to begin a new life of inner calm.
Without thoughts of revenge, we can grow spiritually, find emotional renewal, express the truth, and regain our self-respect. This sounds wonderful, but perhaps you're wondering how to find this elusive place in your mind. The process may take a long time, but I found that the following three steps were helpful to me.
1) Acknowledge that you're angry.
Joe and I took a vacation a few years ago to a remote cabin in northern Michigan. The place was devoid of televisions, computers, phones, radios, and people. We thought it was going to be great, but there was one problem: I packed anger in my bags without even realizing it. And it was coming out in passive-aggression toward my innocent husband. I realized that when we remove all of the busy-ness of our lives, we find the junk that we've been carrying around all of our lives.
2) Get it out and get on with your life.
During this getaway, I was biting poor Joe's head off. He looked so miserable, I decided that I'd better figure out what was bothering me. I wandered out of the cabin on a drizzly day and sat by the sodden fire pit. I asked God to reveal to me why I felt so enraged.
It didn't take long for the answer to come: my mother had neglected my needs all of my life, and whenever we took family vacations, I felt even greater isolation. Our little getaway was triggering memories of my mother's drinking and oblivion to my needs to play and explore our vacation spots.
A therapist had once told me to find objects that I could label with my unmet needs and anger. I decided to pick up small twigs that had fallen from the pine trees. After I had gathered a hefty pile of twigs, I found a hatchet. As instructed earlier in counseling, I named each twig and then gave it a whack. "This is for never reading me a bedtime story." Whack. "This is for calling me worse than yesterday's trash." Whack. And so it continued, until I had named every reason for being angry with my mother. It took quite a while, but when I was done, I felt drained.
3) Let go and let God.
I sat there, staring at my pile of twigs. I hated the way my anger made me feel, and I didn't want to haul it around during my entire vacation. It was time to let it go.
A light mist continued falling, and the odds of lighting a fire were slim to none. But I knew that I had to fully destroy this anger before it destroyed me. With a large box of matches, I worked and worked to set that bunch of anger on fire. When it caught at last, I sat back and watched the blue smoke curling heavenward. "Take it God," I said. "I don't want to live with it anymore."
As I watched the smoke rising, I felt incredible release. I felt God's presence in a way that I never had before. Suddenly, I understood the pain he felt over my abuse, as well as the sorrow he felt over my refusal to give it to him. I felt comforted and completely at peace.
Romans 8:6 (NIV) tells us, The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Holding onto revenge will lead us to an early death, and perhaps even spiritual death. Letting go and giving our anger to God allows his Spirit to fill us with life-giving peace.
Letting go is just the beginning of forgiving.
Please note that this process did not yet involve my forgiving my mother. I am still working on that, and I'm sure it is going to take time. I merely let go of the anger, the vengeful thoughts, and the bitterness that had been consuming me most of my life.
When we let go of vengeful thinking and the anger that causes it, we find a new inner peace. Nothing changes for the person who has hurt us, because this process is something we do for ourselves. Down the road, there may be time for healing in our perpetrator's heart when he is ready for it. For now, we simply love ourselves enough to give our anger and vengeful thoughts to God.
Today's Challenge
Find some destructible objects that you can name with the vengeful thoughts and anger you feel toward someone who has hurt you. These might be twigs, balloons, clay pigeons, old china plates, and so on. You can name your revenge verbally or write your angry thoughts on your destructible objects. Find a way to destroy them that brings you physical release, such as stomping hard on balloons or hurling plates into a garbage can. Just make sure that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else in the process. When you are finished destroying all of your anger, tell God that it's his mess now. Spend a few minutes savoring the peace that follows. Write in your journal how you feel. This post is an excerpt from the book, The Road to Forgiveness: Removing the Roadblocks. To purchase your e-book version, please visit the author's Smashwords page.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Concealed Anger Leads to Revenge
We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. So far, we've identified ways to overcome anger, fear, trust, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt. This lesson focuses on why revenge prevents us from forgiving.
Is it normal to think about revenge?
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma, we often find ourselves thinking about revenge. We consider ourselves to be normal, decent people. So why do we lie awake at night, hatching up plots to get even with the person who hurt us do deeply?
Robert Bulwer-Lytton wrote, "Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge." This quote perfectly summarizes the source of our thoughts about revenge: unexpressed anger.
I wrote the biography of Charlie Osburn, a Christian evangelist, whose two children were molested by his next-door neighbor. For a long time, Charlie told me that he paced the floors at night, trying to figure out how to kill the man who had stolen his children's innocence.
As an abused spouse in my first marriage, I could never express my anger. As a result, I daydreamed about my husband crashing into a tree, driving over a cliff, or drowning. I once dreamed that I had murdered him, and my greatest concern was how I was going to keep the cops from finding the body that I had buried under the hardwood floor of our front entry.
When someone wounds us as deeply as sexual predators do, we all think of revenge. The longer the abuse continues, the more bizarre our daydreams and nightmares become. We know this is unhealthy and immoral, but we can't seem to stop the thoughts.
Vengeful thoughts may spill over as passive-aggressive acts.
If we are dreaming at night about seeking revenge, we may find ourselves acting out in unexpected ways during the day. Many sexual abuse survivors become passive-aggressive. In other words, people who seem to be meek (passive) lash out in surprising, but subtle ways. Often, their target is not their abuser.
One of my sons provided a classic example of passive aggression as he was growing up. He was angry with his father for criticizing him so harshly, but he did not feel safe in expressing himself. As a result, this usually sweet-mannered boy scribbled on brand-new carpeting with a permanent marker and chiseled the sides of his furniture with the sharp edges of toys.
When unexpressed anger carries over into adulthood, suvivors become passive-aggressive people who surprise us with their actions. Sadly, we are reading about more and more incidents of teens shooting others at their schools, of employees 'going postal,' and of drivers exhibiting road rage.
What does God want us to do with our vengeful thoughts?
The Bible tells us, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. (Romans 12:17-19 NIV)
We learned in a previous lesson that it is much better to allow our justice system to carry out any punishment that our perpetrators deserve. When we step back and allow room for God's wrath, we may discover that his punishment provides us with far more satisfaction than our own clumsy attempts at justice.
Tomorrow, we'll learn some simple techniques for working beyond our vengeful thoughts. For now, just recognize that these thoughts exist in the minds of most survivors, and understand that both revenge and passive-aggressive behavior begin with unexpressed anger.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and write down the names of people that you consider your enemies. Beside each name, write out why you are angry. Then, write down any vengeful action that you have thought about taking. Circle any action that you have actually carried out.
Is it normal to think about revenge?
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma, we often find ourselves thinking about revenge. We consider ourselves to be normal, decent people. So why do we lie awake at night, hatching up plots to get even with the person who hurt us do deeply?
Robert Bulwer-Lytton wrote, "Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge." This quote perfectly summarizes the source of our thoughts about revenge: unexpressed anger.
I wrote the biography of Charlie Osburn, a Christian evangelist, whose two children were molested by his next-door neighbor. For a long time, Charlie told me that he paced the floors at night, trying to figure out how to kill the man who had stolen his children's innocence.
As an abused spouse in my first marriage, I could never express my anger. As a result, I daydreamed about my husband crashing into a tree, driving over a cliff, or drowning. I once dreamed that I had murdered him, and my greatest concern was how I was going to keep the cops from finding the body that I had buried under the hardwood floor of our front entry.
When someone wounds us as deeply as sexual predators do, we all think of revenge. The longer the abuse continues, the more bizarre our daydreams and nightmares become. We know this is unhealthy and immoral, but we can't seem to stop the thoughts.
Vengeful thoughts may spill over as passive-aggressive acts.
If we are dreaming at night about seeking revenge, we may find ourselves acting out in unexpected ways during the day. Many sexual abuse survivors become passive-aggressive. In other words, people who seem to be meek (passive) lash out in surprising, but subtle ways. Often, their target is not their abuser.
One of my sons provided a classic example of passive aggression as he was growing up. He was angry with his father for criticizing him so harshly, but he did not feel safe in expressing himself. As a result, this usually sweet-mannered boy scribbled on brand-new carpeting with a permanent marker and chiseled the sides of his furniture with the sharp edges of toys.
When unexpressed anger carries over into adulthood, suvivors become passive-aggressive people who surprise us with their actions. Sadly, we are reading about more and more incidents of teens shooting others at their schools, of employees 'going postal,' and of drivers exhibiting road rage.
What does God want us to do with our vengeful thoughts?
The Bible tells us, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. (Romans 12:17-19 NIV)
We learned in a previous lesson that it is much better to allow our justice system to carry out any punishment that our perpetrators deserve. When we step back and allow room for God's wrath, we may discover that his punishment provides us with far more satisfaction than our own clumsy attempts at justice.
Tomorrow, we'll learn some simple techniques for working beyond our vengeful thoughts. For now, just recognize that these thoughts exist in the minds of most survivors, and understand that both revenge and passive-aggressive behavior begin with unexpressed anger.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and write down the names of people that you consider your enemies. Beside each name, write out why you are angry. Then, write down any vengeful action that you have thought about taking. Circle any action that you have actually carried out.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Overcoming Guilt is Prerequisite to Forgiveness
We learned yesterday that the guilt experienced by sexual abuse survivors stems from the shame we feel about our victimization. Today, we figure out how to give the guilt back to our perpetrators, overcome our embarrassment, and move forward in forgiving the person who hurt us.
There's a difference between guilt and shame.
Guilt is defined as the fact of being responsible for an offense or wrongdoing. Shame, on the other hand, is defined as a painful emotion that is caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
If we assign full responsibility to our perpetrators for the guilt, then we can see that the shame we feel stems from our embarrassment, our feelings of unworthiness, and the disgrace caused by the sexual abuse.
Telling people about our sexual abuse makes everyone uncomfortable.
I can tell you from personal experience that talking about sexual abuse does cause tremendous discomfort...for ourselves and for others. However, I believe that shedding light on our shame is a lot like the treatment that doctors use on babies with jaundice (yellowing of the skin). If left in the dark, our shame leaves us with permanent emotional damage, just as a jaundiced baby is at risk of permanent brain damage without sunlight.
When Joe and I told our friends about what had happened to me and others within our family, many of our acquaintances responded with uncomfortable silence. But others, who had experienced similar problems, came alongside us to share their stories of survival.
Yes, some people will see us as broken, weird, or overly open about our pain. I can't tell you how to predict which way people will respond. But I can say that talking about childhood sexual abuse gets easier with each telling.
And the more we tell our story, the more we empower ourselves to move on with our lives. Remember, every time we hide our shame, we give away our power to our perpetrator. He is the one who should be carrying this burden of guilt. So, give it back to him, and the shame will resolve over time.
We fear that reporting family members who abused us will cause rifts.
Many sexual abuse victims do not report their perpetrators to the police, because they do not want to create inner-family turmoil. If you think about it, the family is already in turmoil if an adult is using children for his own sexual gratification. So why not report it?
Reporting creates many positive outcomes. First, it sheds light on the truth about the situation: our perpetrators are guilty of committing crimes, and we need to allow our criminal justice system to deal with the people who wronged us.
It is our job to learn how to feel like a whole person again, and we can't do that if we're carrying a big burden of guilt on our backs. We must give it back to the person who should be hauling it around.
Proverbs 18:5 (NIV) reminds us, It is not good to be partial to the wicked or to deprive the innocent of justice. By remaining silent, we are essentially providing a not-guilty verdict to our perpetrator. We take away the court system's ability to punish him, and we risk depriving other innocent victims of the justice that they deserve.
When I began telling my family members what had happened between my father and me, you can believe that there was plenty of turmoil. My siblings rushed to my parents' aid, offering swift opportunities for repentance and forgiveness. This, of course, blew up in their faces, as I predicted it would.
In time, my siblings came to understand my father's true nature and my mother's desperate attempts to conceal the truth. Today, my siblings stand behind me and every other family victim, determined to see justice carried out.
In the future, my relatives hope that my father will express his regrets for his actions, repent (completely turn around his life), provide restitution to his victims, and do whatever it takes to restore broken relationships. Time will tell whether or not my father is interested in making such monumental changes.
Child molesters are rarely the type of contrite people who buckle under pressure. Few of them ever admit to sexually abusing anyone. If they do, it generally doesn't happen until several victims step forward. When my father began to see that more than one victim was telling the truth, he confessed.
By speaking out, we empower the courts to bring about justice, and we empower other victims to find their voices. A woman told me recently that someone in her family reported their father's sexual abuse. By the time the criminal justice system was finished with their investigation of the case, 70 other victims had come forward.
We are frequently not alone as sole victims when it comes to childhood sexual abuse. We can empower ourselves and others by reporting the crime and letting go of the guilt that doesn't belong to us.
In summary, give back the guilt to your perpetrator. Then find someone trustworthy to talk to about your childhood sexual abuse. Doing so will ease your shame and remove the guilt--the fourth roadblock to your journey toward forgiveness. Tomorrow, we will continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.
Today's Challenge
Look up the definitions of the words guilt and shame in a dictionary. Try to sort out the difference between the two in relationship to the abuse you have experienced. Can you now see that you were not guilty?
In your journal, write down how you feel about the abuse you experienced. If you were too embarrassed to speak up, put that onto paper. If you were afraid that telling the truth would cause divisions in your family, write it down. Then, write down everything positive that could happen if you told the truth to someone that you trust. Write down the names of three people that you can tell. If you feel completely alone in this, write down my name and send me your anonymous comments.
There's a difference between guilt and shame.
Guilt is defined as the fact of being responsible for an offense or wrongdoing. Shame, on the other hand, is defined as a painful emotion that is caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
If we assign full responsibility to our perpetrators for the guilt, then we can see that the shame we feel stems from our embarrassment, our feelings of unworthiness, and the disgrace caused by the sexual abuse.
Telling people about our sexual abuse makes everyone uncomfortable.
I can tell you from personal experience that talking about sexual abuse does cause tremendous discomfort...for ourselves and for others. However, I believe that shedding light on our shame is a lot like the treatment that doctors use on babies with jaundice (yellowing of the skin). If left in the dark, our shame leaves us with permanent emotional damage, just as a jaundiced baby is at risk of permanent brain damage without sunlight.
When Joe and I told our friends about what had happened to me and others within our family, many of our acquaintances responded with uncomfortable silence. But others, who had experienced similar problems, came alongside us to share their stories of survival.
Yes, some people will see us as broken, weird, or overly open about our pain. I can't tell you how to predict which way people will respond. But I can say that talking about childhood sexual abuse gets easier with each telling.
And the more we tell our story, the more we empower ourselves to move on with our lives. Remember, every time we hide our shame, we give away our power to our perpetrator. He is the one who should be carrying this burden of guilt. So, give it back to him, and the shame will resolve over time.
We fear that reporting family members who abused us will cause rifts.
Many sexual abuse victims do not report their perpetrators to the police, because they do not want to create inner-family turmoil. If you think about it, the family is already in turmoil if an adult is using children for his own sexual gratification. So why not report it?
Reporting creates many positive outcomes. First, it sheds light on the truth about the situation: our perpetrators are guilty of committing crimes, and we need to allow our criminal justice system to deal with the people who wronged us.
It is our job to learn how to feel like a whole person again, and we can't do that if we're carrying a big burden of guilt on our backs. We must give it back to the person who should be hauling it around.
Proverbs 18:5 (NIV) reminds us, It is not good to be partial to the wicked or to deprive the innocent of justice. By remaining silent, we are essentially providing a not-guilty verdict to our perpetrator. We take away the court system's ability to punish him, and we risk depriving other innocent victims of the justice that they deserve.
When I began telling my family members what had happened between my father and me, you can believe that there was plenty of turmoil. My siblings rushed to my parents' aid, offering swift opportunities for repentance and forgiveness. This, of course, blew up in their faces, as I predicted it would.
In time, my siblings came to understand my father's true nature and my mother's desperate attempts to conceal the truth. Today, my siblings stand behind me and every other family victim, determined to see justice carried out.
In the future, my relatives hope that my father will express his regrets for his actions, repent (completely turn around his life), provide restitution to his victims, and do whatever it takes to restore broken relationships. Time will tell whether or not my father is interested in making such monumental changes.
Child molesters are rarely the type of contrite people who buckle under pressure. Few of them ever admit to sexually abusing anyone. If they do, it generally doesn't happen until several victims step forward. When my father began to see that more than one victim was telling the truth, he confessed.
By speaking out, we empower the courts to bring about justice, and we empower other victims to find their voices. A woman told me recently that someone in her family reported their father's sexual abuse. By the time the criminal justice system was finished with their investigation of the case, 70 other victims had come forward.
We are frequently not alone as sole victims when it comes to childhood sexual abuse. We can empower ourselves and others by reporting the crime and letting go of the guilt that doesn't belong to us.
In summary, give back the guilt to your perpetrator. Then find someone trustworthy to talk to about your childhood sexual abuse. Doing so will ease your shame and remove the guilt--the fourth roadblock to your journey toward forgiveness. Tomorrow, we will continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.
Today's Challenge
Look up the definitions of the words guilt and shame in a dictionary. Try to sort out the difference between the two in relationship to the abuse you have experienced. Can you now see that you were not guilty?
In your journal, write down how you feel about the abuse you experienced. If you were too embarrassed to speak up, put that onto paper. If you were afraid that telling the truth would cause divisions in your family, write it down. Then, write down everything positive that could happen if you told the truth to someone that you trust. Write down the names of three people that you can tell. If you feel completely alone in this, write down my name and send me your anonymous comments.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Causes and Characteristics of Low Self-Esteem
We've identified the first three roadblocks to forgiveness as anger, fear, and mistrust. Today, we will address the fourth obstacle to forgiving: low self-esteem.
Do you suffer from low self-esteem?
Take a look at the following list of behaviors that are characteristic of people with low self-esteem. Do you recognize any of them in yourself?
*social withdrawal
*anxiety
*lack of confidence
*depression
*eating disorders
*inability to accept compliments
*inability to accurately see our own attributes
*accentuating the negative
*imagining that others think little of us
*self-neglect
*worrying about treating others unfairly
*reluctance to take on challenges
*inability to set goals
*hesitant to trust our own opinion
How did we get such low self-esteem?
If these problems sound familiar to you, you are not alone. Most survivors of childhood sexual abuse have extremely low self-esteem. We were brainwashed through abuse and criticism into believing that we were dirty, worthless, or bad.
Low self-esteem feels awful.
All people ought to feel a sense of shame and remorse when they misbehave. The Holy Spirit convicts them of their errors, and their guilt brings them back into alignment with God. When God forgives them, their shame and remorse should subside.
For survivors of abuse, the conscience is in over-drive. We feel shame, guilt, and self-reproach all the time. These feelings are not related to something wrong that we have done.
Abuse causes PTSD, a precursor to low self-esteem.
Many of us suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which causes us to have a sense that we are damaged. PTSD is characterized by many symptoms, including: depression, anxiety, heightened startle responses, hypervigilance, and low self-esteem.
Severe PTSD can cause such low self-esteem that we cannot receive love.
Being kind to survivors of severe abuse can have the opposite of the intended effect. Love can drive them away.
We adopted eight-year-old twin girls from Ethiopia. Because they had experienced multiple traumas and abuse at an early age, they were incapable of accepting love. The more we tried to love them, the harder they tried to get away. Suicide attempts became their only hope, because our love felt to them as if we were holding their heads underwater. Letting go and placing them in a group home became the best way to express our love to them.
Positive affirmations will never erase low self-esteem.
For years, educators believed that positive affirmations would cause a person's low self-esteem to rise. School administrators supported programs to increase self-esteem, which they believed would stop kids from bullying and committing crimes.
Interestingly, recent research shows that using generalized positive affirmations (I am a good person, I am smart, I am pretty, etc) can actually worsen low self-esteem. The words ring hollow to us, and our brains step up the negative statements to counteract the positive ones.
Research has also proven that those who suffer from low self-esteem rarely become bullies or hurt others. We hurt ourselves.
God loves us.
Low self-esteem really stems from a lack of self-love. Our experiences with childhood abuse robbed us of the ability to see ourselves as loveable. Even though we can't see any reason to love ourselves, God can.
Take a look at www.biblegateway.com or in your Bible's concordance for the word love. There are more passages related to God's love for us than any other word. Here are just a few examples:
For great is your love toward me. (Psalm 86:13)
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever. (Psalm 100:5)
The earth is filled with your love. (Psalm 119:64)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
If we suffer from low self-esteem, we may find ourselves running from God's love, just as our adopted twins ran from us. If we can stop fleeing, we can experience the fullness of God's love and the love of our fellow human beings.
High self-esteem makes it easier for us to forgive.
According to research conducted in 2006 (Eaton, Struthers & Santelli), people with high self-esteem can forgive more easily than people with low self-esteem. Although generalized positive affirmations cannot boost our self-esteem so that we can forgive, there are some other simple techniques that can help us. Tomorrow, we will learn how some simple lifestyle changes can allow us to develop an alternative opinion of ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and make a list of the people or situations that make you feel ashamed or guilty. Are these feelings warranted because you did something wrong; or are they just a way of life for you?
Do you suffer from low self-esteem?
Take a look at the following list of behaviors that are characteristic of people with low self-esteem. Do you recognize any of them in yourself?
*social withdrawal
*anxiety
*lack of confidence
*depression
*eating disorders
*inability to accept compliments
*inability to accurately see our own attributes
*accentuating the negative
*imagining that others think little of us
*self-neglect
*worrying about treating others unfairly
*reluctance to take on challenges
*inability to set goals
*hesitant to trust our own opinion
How did we get such low self-esteem?
If these problems sound familiar to you, you are not alone. Most survivors of childhood sexual abuse have extremely low self-esteem. We were brainwashed through abuse and criticism into believing that we were dirty, worthless, or bad.
Low self-esteem feels awful.
All people ought to feel a sense of shame and remorse when they misbehave. The Holy Spirit convicts them of their errors, and their guilt brings them back into alignment with God. When God forgives them, their shame and remorse should subside.
For survivors of abuse, the conscience is in over-drive. We feel shame, guilt, and self-reproach all the time. These feelings are not related to something wrong that we have done.
Abuse causes PTSD, a precursor to low self-esteem.
Many of us suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which causes us to have a sense that we are damaged. PTSD is characterized by many symptoms, including: depression, anxiety, heightened startle responses, hypervigilance, and low self-esteem.
Severe PTSD can cause such low self-esteem that we cannot receive love.
Being kind to survivors of severe abuse can have the opposite of the intended effect. Love can drive them away.
We adopted eight-year-old twin girls from Ethiopia. Because they had experienced multiple traumas and abuse at an early age, they were incapable of accepting love. The more we tried to love them, the harder they tried to get away. Suicide attempts became their only hope, because our love felt to them as if we were holding their heads underwater. Letting go and placing them in a group home became the best way to express our love to them.
Positive affirmations will never erase low self-esteem.
For years, educators believed that positive affirmations would cause a person's low self-esteem to rise. School administrators supported programs to increase self-esteem, which they believed would stop kids from bullying and committing crimes.
Interestingly, recent research shows that using generalized positive affirmations (I am a good person, I am smart, I am pretty, etc) can actually worsen low self-esteem. The words ring hollow to us, and our brains step up the negative statements to counteract the positive ones.
Research has also proven that those who suffer from low self-esteem rarely become bullies or hurt others. We hurt ourselves.
God loves us.
Low self-esteem really stems from a lack of self-love. Our experiences with childhood abuse robbed us of the ability to see ourselves as loveable. Even though we can't see any reason to love ourselves, God can.
Take a look at www.biblegateway.com or in your Bible's concordance for the word love. There are more passages related to God's love for us than any other word. Here are just a few examples:
For great is your love toward me. (Psalm 86:13)
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever. (Psalm 100:5)
The earth is filled with your love. (Psalm 119:64)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
If we suffer from low self-esteem, we may find ourselves running from God's love, just as our adopted twins ran from us. If we can stop fleeing, we can experience the fullness of God's love and the love of our fellow human beings.
High self-esteem makes it easier for us to forgive.
According to research conducted in 2006 (Eaton, Struthers & Santelli), people with high self-esteem can forgive more easily than people with low self-esteem. Although generalized positive affirmations cannot boost our self-esteem so that we can forgive, there are some other simple techniques that can help us. Tomorrow, we will learn how some simple lifestyle changes can allow us to develop an alternative opinion of ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and make a list of the people or situations that make you feel ashamed or guilty. Are these feelings warranted because you did something wrong; or are they just a way of life for you?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Repair Trust
We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Yesterday, we learned that when trust is broken by childhood sexual abuse or early trauma, we may suffer from an inability to grow both psychologically and socially. Today, we learn how to repair trust so that it will not get in the way of forgiving others.
Has mistrust become a lifestyle for you?
Many of us who have survived abuse or trauma prefer not to trust anyone or anything, because it has become a lifestyle that is simply too hard to change. We don't deal with this issue well, because it requires a lot of courage to trust again. Instead, we engage in alternative habits to cover up our mistrust, including:
hyperactivity,
living a life filled with distractions,
drinking,
using illegal drugs,
overworking,
controlling others,
isolating ourselves,
distancing ourselves from others,
using anger to keep people at bay,
engaging in pornographic activities,
experimenting with illicit sexual activities,
overeating, or
gambling.
We can break these habits and learn to trust by following the three steps below.
First, trust God.
I believe that no amount of psychotherapy alone will ever help a person to fully trust again once they have been deeply hurt. Read that again. I did not say that psychotherapy is useless. I said that psychotherapy by itself is not the answer.
We must look to God to heal us as we work through this issue of mistrust. Unless we can learn to trust God, we will never truly trust our fellow humans.
There are countless Bible verses that address our need to trust in God. You can go to www.biblegateway.com and type in the word trust to find encouragement. Here are just a few reasons why you can trust God:
He takes care of us when our parents neglect or abuse us.
The helpless put their trust in you. You defend the orphans.
(Psalm 10:14)
God protects us from harm.
I trust in the Lord for protection. (Psalm 11:1)
Trusting God makes us feel like singing.
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. (Psalm 28:7)
God loves us, even while wicked people are hurting us.
Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord. (Psalm 32:10)
God never lies or deceives us as people sometimes do.
For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything he does. (Psalm 33:4)
God provides us with food and everything else we need that is good for us.
Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:10)
Psychologists tell us that it's a lot easier for us to exercise our free will than it is to experience our feelings. So even if you don't feel as if you can ever trust God, by willing yourself to trust his promises above, you can expect to see results.
Second, create distance from the people who continually hurt you.
If we are enmeshed in relationships with people who continually abuse us, there is no way that we can learn to trust. The trauma of abuse keeps re-programming our brains to mistrust, to fear, and to feel angry. Therefore, it is necessary to go to a safe place before we can trust again.
Even after we remove ourselves from an abusive situation, we may need a considerable amount of time before we can trust. I have been free from my first husband's abuse for thirteen years, and I am still working on trusting others.
Third, walk with a trustworthy friend.
After my divorce, I didn't trust anyone but myself. I made up my mind that I could handle whatever life threw at me. I decided that I didn't need God, a husband, or any other man.
For nearly a year, I didn't attend church. During that time, I made some of the worst decisions of my life. Without God, I eventually blundered into a really unhealthy relationship that proved to be the catalyst that set me back on track.
I was dating a guy, and we were seriously considering marriage. After spending a day together, we were saying good-bye in my driveway. He said that there were only two women in his life that he had ever truly loved. I waited, expecting him to name his mother and me. Instead, he named his first two wives.
In that instant, I knew that I was in deep trouble, because I had turned my back on God. I told the man not to bother coming to my house ever again, and I went inside. Beside my bed, I fell to my knees and admitted to Jesus that my life was a mess. I asked him to forgive me and to lead me.
When I finally trusted Christ, I felt like a little kid who had finally run into the arms of the one grown-up in the world who was safe. I felt that I could sob with relief on the Lord’s shoulder, because I did not have to try so hard anymore to shield myself from others or to take care of myself when others failed.
That was a turning point for me. Trusting God opened the doors to marvelous changes. He led me to a church, where I was embraced as an adult Bible study leader and handbell choir member. Through that faith family, I learned that if I wanted to have a man in my life, I needed to let God choose him. Within a year, I met Joe.
I didn't think I could ever trust anyone, especially not a man. But Joe Denton was different: he was like Jesus with skin on. Over time, I realized that no matter what I did, he would never stop loving me. I could make mistakes, and he wouldn't raise his voice, hit me, or leave me. Joe helped me to fully trust another human being for the first time in my life...at the age of forty.
Begin a new journey today by willing yourself to trust God first, setting yourself apart from abusive or toxic people, and finding a trustworthy friend to walk alongside you. Learning to trust is a key step on the journey to forgiving others.
Today's Challenge
Open your journal to the list of people whom you don't trust. If they are abusive or toxic, remove yourself from daily contact with them. Find some Bible verses online that encourage you to trust God. Write them in your journal. Then start praying for someone trustworthy to come alongside you.
Has mistrust become a lifestyle for you?
Many of us who have survived abuse or trauma prefer not to trust anyone or anything, because it has become a lifestyle that is simply too hard to change. We don't deal with this issue well, because it requires a lot of courage to trust again. Instead, we engage in alternative habits to cover up our mistrust, including:
hyperactivity,
living a life filled with distractions,
drinking,
using illegal drugs,
overworking,
controlling others,
isolating ourselves,
distancing ourselves from others,
using anger to keep people at bay,
engaging in pornographic activities,
experimenting with illicit sexual activities,
overeating, or
gambling.
We can break these habits and learn to trust by following the three steps below.
First, trust God.
I believe that no amount of psychotherapy alone will ever help a person to fully trust again once they have been deeply hurt. Read that again. I did not say that psychotherapy is useless. I said that psychotherapy by itself is not the answer.
We must look to God to heal us as we work through this issue of mistrust. Unless we can learn to trust God, we will never truly trust our fellow humans.
There are countless Bible verses that address our need to trust in God. You can go to www.biblegateway.com and type in the word trust to find encouragement. Here are just a few reasons why you can trust God:
He takes care of us when our parents neglect or abuse us.
The helpless put their trust in you. You defend the orphans.
(Psalm 10:14)
God protects us from harm.
I trust in the Lord for protection. (Psalm 11:1)
Trusting God makes us feel like singing.
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. (Psalm 28:7)
God loves us, even while wicked people are hurting us.
Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord. (Psalm 32:10)
God never lies or deceives us as people sometimes do.
For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything he does. (Psalm 33:4)
God provides us with food and everything else we need that is good for us.
Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:10)
Psychologists tell us that it's a lot easier for us to exercise our free will than it is to experience our feelings. So even if you don't feel as if you can ever trust God, by willing yourself to trust his promises above, you can expect to see results.
Second, create distance from the people who continually hurt you.
If we are enmeshed in relationships with people who continually abuse us, there is no way that we can learn to trust. The trauma of abuse keeps re-programming our brains to mistrust, to fear, and to feel angry. Therefore, it is necessary to go to a safe place before we can trust again.
Even after we remove ourselves from an abusive situation, we may need a considerable amount of time before we can trust. I have been free from my first husband's abuse for thirteen years, and I am still working on trusting others.
Third, walk with a trustworthy friend.
After my divorce, I didn't trust anyone but myself. I made up my mind that I could handle whatever life threw at me. I decided that I didn't need God, a husband, or any other man.
For nearly a year, I didn't attend church. During that time, I made some of the worst decisions of my life. Without God, I eventually blundered into a really unhealthy relationship that proved to be the catalyst that set me back on track.
I was dating a guy, and we were seriously considering marriage. After spending a day together, we were saying good-bye in my driveway. He said that there were only two women in his life that he had ever truly loved. I waited, expecting him to name his mother and me. Instead, he named his first two wives.
In that instant, I knew that I was in deep trouble, because I had turned my back on God. I told the man not to bother coming to my house ever again, and I went inside. Beside my bed, I fell to my knees and admitted to Jesus that my life was a mess. I asked him to forgive me and to lead me.
When I finally trusted Christ, I felt like a little kid who had finally run into the arms of the one grown-up in the world who was safe. I felt that I could sob with relief on the Lord’s shoulder, because I did not have to try so hard anymore to shield myself from others or to take care of myself when others failed.
That was a turning point for me. Trusting God opened the doors to marvelous changes. He led me to a church, where I was embraced as an adult Bible study leader and handbell choir member. Through that faith family, I learned that if I wanted to have a man in my life, I needed to let God choose him. Within a year, I met Joe.
I didn't think I could ever trust anyone, especially not a man. But Joe Denton was different: he was like Jesus with skin on. Over time, I realized that no matter what I did, he would never stop loving me. I could make mistakes, and he wouldn't raise his voice, hit me, or leave me. Joe helped me to fully trust another human being for the first time in my life...at the age of forty.
Begin a new journey today by willing yourself to trust God first, setting yourself apart from abusive or toxic people, and finding a trustworthy friend to walk alongside you. Learning to trust is a key step on the journey to forgiving others.
Today's Challenge
Open your journal to the list of people whom you don't trust. If they are abusive or toxic, remove yourself from daily contact with them. Find some Bible verses online that encourage you to trust God. Write them in your journal. Then start praying for someone trustworthy to come alongside you.
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