We are working at becoming more courageous during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I'd like to address the importance of learning new skills.
Turn your losses into opportunities.
Losing our health, our jobs, our marriages, our families, or our money as a result of abuse or trauma can really take a toll on our confidence. Without these basics, many of us lose our ability to tackle challenges.
When we can no longer function due to illness, relationship issues, or job loss, we may suffer from depression and anxiety. Without a way to experience regular success, most of us struggle with low self-esteem, because we're not using the skills that we had once honed.
Learning a new skill that stretches our current level of functioning can give our confidence a terrific shot in the arm. Taking that first step and committing to learning something new can be frightening, to say the least. But if we're willing to take a risk, the pay-offs are worth it.
Adult Ed 101
Multiple sclerosis has sidelined me from holding down a regular job for nearly a decade. At times, I suffer from depression, because I am not using my mind or my body in ways that were once challenging to me.
Someone suggested becoming a real estate agent, because the hours are flexible. But I know from experience that I would never be able to manage the required hours in the office. So, Joe and I decided to learn about real estate investing as a way to keep my mind sharp to and to improve our current investment returns.
We signed up for on-line classes and began a journey that has felt like a roller coaster ride at times. Trying to learn so much new information has been exhausting. Evaluating real estate deals has been terrifying. Worrying about whether we've made mistakes or overlooked important details in our calculations has been nerve-wracking.
In spite of the difficulties, though, something wonderful has begun happening. With each step, we are discovering that real estate investing isn't so scary after all. And with each success, our confidence grows.
Each time we re-apply our new skills to another situation, our self-esteem flourishes. Before long, I'm sure we will look back and wonder why we were ever depressed or worried.
God walks into classrooms ahead of us.
When we decide to learn a new skill, God goes ahead of us. His Word says, "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you." (Deut 31:6 MSG)
All through the process of learning something new and applying it to life, God is there. What do we have to fear?
Today's Challenge
Are you becoming antiquated because of losses related to abuse or trauma? If you're feeling clueless, sign up for a community ed class about computers or financial planning. If you're scared to leave home, sign up for an art class, an exercise club, or an outdoor adventure. Meeting new people may be scary, but developing improved relationship skills along the way will boost your confidence. Push yourself to the next level. Learn a new language or skill that will land you a better job. Whatever it takes, do something to update your skill set today. Ask God to go ahead of you and wait for something wonderful to happen.
Showing posts with label low self-esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label low self-esteem. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Who Does Your Home Say You Are?
As survivors of abuse and trauma, we are learning how to become more bold during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Yesterday, we considered how we express our personalities through our clothing. Today, I'd like to address personality expression in our homes and work places.
What does our environment tell others about us?
If our houses haven't been cleaned in years, and we have papers and boxes stacked up to the ceiling and in every corner, people get a definite impression about us. They may come to the conclusion that we're hoarders, or think that we're lazy, or perhaps understand that depression may make it difficult for us to get our homes in order.
I just finished talking with a cleaning woman about working for me. Whenever a professional like this comes into my house, I wonder what she thinks about me as a homemaker. How do I stack up against all of the other home owners that she serves? Can she see beyond the clutter and dust that I do care about how my home appears?
If someone walked into your house unexpectedly right now, would you feel embarrassed or confident? If your supervisor walked into your work zone without warning, would you be frantically trying to tidy up, or would you greet him confidently?
If the way we care for our homes or work spaces shames us, we must take measures to change things. In every area of our lives, our confidence can take a hit, without our even realizing it. Creating simplicity and tidy systems of organization at home and at work can really boost our self-esteem.
God's house reveals his personality.
Bible verses and people who have had near-death experiences tell us a lot about God's home for us in heaven. The streets are paved with gold, and there is a mansion there with many rooms. Heaven's residents are at peace, and beautiful music can be heard everywhere.
Psalm 26:8 (MSG) reads, God, I love living with you; your house glows with your glory. As a believer in Christ, I know that God's home here on earth is within our hearts. But when I look around my house, I frequently wonder how Jesus would feel if he stopped by for lunch. I am fairly confident that he feels at ease within my heart most of the time, but does my environment give him reason to say that he loves living with me?
Today's Challenge
Look at your home and your work space through another's eyes. What do these places say about you? Is it time to hire someone to help you de-clutter and keep things clean? If you can't afford help, ask a friend to work together with you every week or so for an hour or two until you get your environment to express the true you.
What does our environment tell others about us?
If our houses haven't been cleaned in years, and we have papers and boxes stacked up to the ceiling and in every corner, people get a definite impression about us. They may come to the conclusion that we're hoarders, or think that we're lazy, or perhaps understand that depression may make it difficult for us to get our homes in order.
I just finished talking with a cleaning woman about working for me. Whenever a professional like this comes into my house, I wonder what she thinks about me as a homemaker. How do I stack up against all of the other home owners that she serves? Can she see beyond the clutter and dust that I do care about how my home appears?
If someone walked into your house unexpectedly right now, would you feel embarrassed or confident? If your supervisor walked into your work zone without warning, would you be frantically trying to tidy up, or would you greet him confidently?
If the way we care for our homes or work spaces shames us, we must take measures to change things. In every area of our lives, our confidence can take a hit, without our even realizing it. Creating simplicity and tidy systems of organization at home and at work can really boost our self-esteem.
God's house reveals his personality.
Bible verses and people who have had near-death experiences tell us a lot about God's home for us in heaven. The streets are paved with gold, and there is a mansion there with many rooms. Heaven's residents are at peace, and beautiful music can be heard everywhere.
Psalm 26:8 (MSG) reads, God, I love living with you; your house glows with your glory. As a believer in Christ, I know that God's home here on earth is within our hearts. But when I look around my house, I frequently wonder how Jesus would feel if he stopped by for lunch. I am fairly confident that he feels at ease within my heart most of the time, but does my environment give him reason to say that he loves living with me?
Today's Challenge
Look at your home and your work space through another's eyes. What do these places say about you? Is it time to hire someone to help you de-clutter and keep things clean? If you can't afford help, ask a friend to work together with you every week or so for an hour or two until you get your environment to express the true you.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Express Your True Personality
We are learning how to improve our self-esteem through my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I would like to address the importance of expressing our true personalities.
Who do you say you are?
I believe that there are two ways for us to express our true personalities without ever opening our mouths. The first way lies in the way we dress, and the second in the way we structure our environments at home and at work. Today, we'll take a look at clothing styles, and tomorrow, we'll think about what our homes and offices tells others about us.
Who do your clothes say you are?
Our clothing reflects to the world who we believe we are. If we skip the shower and schlep into some holey sweat pants and a dirty t-shirt, we're letting the world know that we're either too tired or too depressed to care about much of anything.
If, as 50-year-olds, we go out into the world wearing mini skirts, 6-inch heels, and low-cut tops, we may be sending the message that we're trying too hard to recapture our youth or we're desperately hoping for a date.
At the opposite extreme, if we don ankle-length denim skirts, long sleeve blouses buttoned up to the throat, along with white Keds sneakers, we're letting the world know that we are highly conservative and extremely modest.
Why do we choose to dress the way we do? Whether we're the couch potato, the siren, or the ultra-conservative doesn't matter, as long as our clothing expresses who we truly are.
Many of us dress as we do, because we believe it's what our culture expects of us. We want to fit in, and we may end up looking like our neighbors or co-workers. The problem is, we may lose our true identities by becoming overly generic.
Dare to be different.
What if we move to a highly conservative town where everyone happens to wear khaki pants and polo shirts? Do we have to conform, or can we be ourselves? If we want to feel confident, I believe we must express who we truly are by choosing to wear whatever we want, as long as it doesn't draw inappropriate attention and isn't an excuse for updating our 1980s wardrobe.
I've mentioned before that where I live, most people see dressing up as putting on a pair of jeans and a clean t-shirt. I can't stand to go out into the world dressed like that, so I dare to be different.
I attended a seminar last weekend, wearing white capri pants and a pretty top. I had accessorized with a long beaded necklace and dangling black earrings. In a room full of people wearing jeans and t-shirts, I stood out from the crowd. Even though I knew nothing more than the rest of the attendees, people kept flocking around me all day to ask me for advice.
Why? I don't think it was because of the clothes, although I believe an attractively dressed woman does draw some attention. No, I think it has a lot more to do with the air of confidence that I exude when I feel good about how I look in those clothes.
People are attracted to others who look confident. It makes them think we're successsful, and they want what we have. And when everyone in the room is hovering around us because we seem like the most courageous person in the room, our confidence really gets a shot in the arm.
The Bible says that the world will follow confident people.
The apostles, Peter and John, were confident in a crowd, not because of their clothing, but because of their complete belief in the message they had to share about Jesus.
Acts 4:13 (MSG) tells us, They [the crowd] couldn't take their eyes off them—Peter and John standing there so confident, so sure of themselves! Their fascination deepened when they realized these two were laymen with no training in Scripture or formal education.
Even though Peter and John were not formally trained in theology, people were fascinated by what they had to say, simply because they exuded so much confidence! People were willing to listen to them and follow them around, just because they were so sure of themselves.
So, if we need to switch out our clothing to find our groove, let's do it! Dressing in a manner that truly expresses who we are gives us the confidence to stand out in a crowd.
Today's Challenge
Take some time today to look in a mirror and consider your clothing. Are you dressing to fit in with those around you? Or are you bold enough to dress in a way that expresses who you truly are? If you're looking generic, go shopping and try on different styles of clothing. Figure out which outfit expresses the true you and take it home. Take note when you wear your new clothing whether or not it boosts your confidence.
Who do you say you are?
I believe that there are two ways for us to express our true personalities without ever opening our mouths. The first way lies in the way we dress, and the second in the way we structure our environments at home and at work. Today, we'll take a look at clothing styles, and tomorrow, we'll think about what our homes and offices tells others about us.
Who do your clothes say you are?
Our clothing reflects to the world who we believe we are. If we skip the shower and schlep into some holey sweat pants and a dirty t-shirt, we're letting the world know that we're either too tired or too depressed to care about much of anything.
If, as 50-year-olds, we go out into the world wearing mini skirts, 6-inch heels, and low-cut tops, we may be sending the message that we're trying too hard to recapture our youth or we're desperately hoping for a date.
At the opposite extreme, if we don ankle-length denim skirts, long sleeve blouses buttoned up to the throat, along with white Keds sneakers, we're letting the world know that we are highly conservative and extremely modest.
Why do we choose to dress the way we do? Whether we're the couch potato, the siren, or the ultra-conservative doesn't matter, as long as our clothing expresses who we truly are.
Many of us dress as we do, because we believe it's what our culture expects of us. We want to fit in, and we may end up looking like our neighbors or co-workers. The problem is, we may lose our true identities by becoming overly generic.
Dare to be different.
What if we move to a highly conservative town where everyone happens to wear khaki pants and polo shirts? Do we have to conform, or can we be ourselves? If we want to feel confident, I believe we must express who we truly are by choosing to wear whatever we want, as long as it doesn't draw inappropriate attention and isn't an excuse for updating our 1980s wardrobe.
I've mentioned before that where I live, most people see dressing up as putting on a pair of jeans and a clean t-shirt. I can't stand to go out into the world dressed like that, so I dare to be different.
I attended a seminar last weekend, wearing white capri pants and a pretty top. I had accessorized with a long beaded necklace and dangling black earrings. In a room full of people wearing jeans and t-shirts, I stood out from the crowd. Even though I knew nothing more than the rest of the attendees, people kept flocking around me all day to ask me for advice.
Why? I don't think it was because of the clothes, although I believe an attractively dressed woman does draw some attention. No, I think it has a lot more to do with the air of confidence that I exude when I feel good about how I look in those clothes.
People are attracted to others who look confident. It makes them think we're successsful, and they want what we have. And when everyone in the room is hovering around us because we seem like the most courageous person in the room, our confidence really gets a shot in the arm.
The Bible says that the world will follow confident people.
The apostles, Peter and John, were confident in a crowd, not because of their clothing, but because of their complete belief in the message they had to share about Jesus.
Acts 4:13 (MSG) tells us, They [the crowd] couldn't take their eyes off them—Peter and John standing there so confident, so sure of themselves! Their fascination deepened when they realized these two were laymen with no training in Scripture or formal education.
Even though Peter and John were not formally trained in theology, people were fascinated by what they had to say, simply because they exuded so much confidence! People were willing to listen to them and follow them around, just because they were so sure of themselves.
So, if we need to switch out our clothing to find our groove, let's do it! Dressing in a manner that truly expresses who we are gives us the confidence to stand out in a crowd.
Today's Challenge
Take some time today to look in a mirror and consider your clothing. Are you dressing to fit in with those around you? Or are you bold enough to dress in a way that expresses who you truly are? If you're looking generic, go shopping and try on different styles of clothing. Figure out which outfit expresses the true you and take it home. Take note when you wear your new clothing whether or not it boosts your confidence.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
What Are You Tolerating?
We are learning how to become more confident during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I'd like to consider how some things which we're tolerating may be holding us back from achieving our dreams.
The Billy Goat
When Joe and I decided to move to the country, we found a large lot at a lake. All that grass would require a much larger mower than our little push model, so we bought a commercial walk-behind. The Billy Goat was supposed to cut over an acre in an hour.
Joe quickly discovered that "Billy" was as disagreeable and stubborn as most live goats. He was headstrong and took off running when Joe was unprepared for the jolt that nearly yanked him off his feet. Billy sometimes ate things he wasn't supposed to, and over time, he only chewed up half of the grass that Joe wanted him to eat.
It was a love/hate relationship from the outset. Joe loved the idea of having a powerful mower with a wide cutting deck, but he hated Billy's performance.
I suggested selling Billy and replacing him with something better, but Joe insisted on trying harder to make Billy tow the line. Why? He doubted that we could sell Billy for enough money to pay for a riding mower, which he would have preferred.
After two years, Billy finally did himself in. He refused to eat the grass at all. So, I put an ad online to sell him, and we went in search of a new mower. Within 24 hours, Billy found a new home with a man whom I am sure will make him behave. We found a refurbished riding mower, and it cost exactly the same amount of money that we received for selling Billy.
Joe's fear that we would lose money prevented him from enjoying what he really wanted. When he finally let go of that old way of thinking, God immediately blessed him with something better. Joe was whooping like a cowboy yesterday, bumping over the yard at breakneck speeds. The lawn looked better than it ever has, and Joe had fun cutting it in half the time.
Out with the old, in with the new
Paul instructed the early Christians in Corinth, Get rid of the old yeast, so that you may be a new unleavened batch. (1 Corinthians 5:7 NIV) He spoke about bread-baking, because at that time, every woman baked her own.
He knew that his listeners would understand his underlying meaning about becoming a new person through belief in Jesus. They could see that old yeast produces a very poor loaf of bread. And old ways of thinking would produce a life as dull and flat as bread made with outdated yeast.
Notice that Paul didn't instruct his audience to buy more yeast. No, he asked his listeners to become something completely different... unleavened bread made without yeast. Paul wanted the Christians at Corinth to understand the importance of getting rid of old habits, relationships, and ideas to make room for Jesus' way of thinking.
Are you tolerating a Billy Goat?
There are many things in life that may annoy us, as Billy did. When we cling to something that isn't working for us, we create a continuous charge of negative energy around ourselves. We also prevent God from blessing us with something that makes us feel contented and peaceful.
We must let go of the things that we're merely tolerating to make room for God's blessings. When we do, we take one step closer to fulfilling our dreams. That first step, taken in faith, will boost our trust in God and our confidence in ourselves.
Today's Challenge
What are you clinging to that you need to release? A destructive relationship? A broken-down car? A beligerent pet? A dead-end job? Take some time today to think about how you need to change your thinking so that you can release annoyances that you're tolerating.
The Billy Goat
When Joe and I decided to move to the country, we found a large lot at a lake. All that grass would require a much larger mower than our little push model, so we bought a commercial walk-behind. The Billy Goat was supposed to cut over an acre in an hour.
Joe quickly discovered that "Billy" was as disagreeable and stubborn as most live goats. He was headstrong and took off running when Joe was unprepared for the jolt that nearly yanked him off his feet. Billy sometimes ate things he wasn't supposed to, and over time, he only chewed up half of the grass that Joe wanted him to eat.
It was a love/hate relationship from the outset. Joe loved the idea of having a powerful mower with a wide cutting deck, but he hated Billy's performance.
I suggested selling Billy and replacing him with something better, but Joe insisted on trying harder to make Billy tow the line. Why? He doubted that we could sell Billy for enough money to pay for a riding mower, which he would have preferred.
After two years, Billy finally did himself in. He refused to eat the grass at all. So, I put an ad online to sell him, and we went in search of a new mower. Within 24 hours, Billy found a new home with a man whom I am sure will make him behave. We found a refurbished riding mower, and it cost exactly the same amount of money that we received for selling Billy.
Joe's fear that we would lose money prevented him from enjoying what he really wanted. When he finally let go of that old way of thinking, God immediately blessed him with something better. Joe was whooping like a cowboy yesterday, bumping over the yard at breakneck speeds. The lawn looked better than it ever has, and Joe had fun cutting it in half the time.
Out with the old, in with the new
Paul instructed the early Christians in Corinth, Get rid of the old yeast, so that you may be a new unleavened batch. (1 Corinthians 5:7 NIV) He spoke about bread-baking, because at that time, every woman baked her own.
He knew that his listeners would understand his underlying meaning about becoming a new person through belief in Jesus. They could see that old yeast produces a very poor loaf of bread. And old ways of thinking would produce a life as dull and flat as bread made with outdated yeast.
Notice that Paul didn't instruct his audience to buy more yeast. No, he asked his listeners to become something completely different... unleavened bread made without yeast. Paul wanted the Christians at Corinth to understand the importance of getting rid of old habits, relationships, and ideas to make room for Jesus' way of thinking.
Are you tolerating a Billy Goat?
There are many things in life that may annoy us, as Billy did. When we cling to something that isn't working for us, we create a continuous charge of negative energy around ourselves. We also prevent God from blessing us with something that makes us feel contented and peaceful.
We must let go of the things that we're merely tolerating to make room for God's blessings. When we do, we take one step closer to fulfilling our dreams. That first step, taken in faith, will boost our trust in God and our confidence in ourselves.
Today's Challenge
What are you clinging to that you need to release? A destructive relationship? A broken-down car? A beligerent pet? A dead-end job? Take some time today to think about how you need to change your thinking so that you can release annoyances that you're tolerating.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Turn Off the Auto Pilot
We continue this week with my series, Confident in God's Hands. Through daily posts, I hope to encourage readers to restore the confidence that was lost through abuse or trauma.
Auto Pilot is supposed to be short-term.
Most jets are designed to include an auto pilot setting, which gives the pilot an opportunity to get out of his seat, walk to the bathroom, eat a meal, and stretch. By simply programming the aircraft to follow a specified course, he can momentarily forget about his duties.
Notice that I said he could momentarily set aside his duties. If the man set the auto pilot and then sat down in first class to sleep eight hours, he and the passengers could be in serious danger. They might overshoot their destination, run out of fuel, or collide with other aircraft.
Are we stuck on auto pilot?
If we have been abused for a very long time or if we've suffered a significant trauma, we tend to set our lives on auto pilot. Why? If our days have been unpredictable, the more stable we can make them, the better we feel.
While stability is a good thing, the problem with this auto pilot setting is that it can hurt us if we allow ourselves to stay on it for too long. We may feel safe by limiting ourselves to the confines of our homes, keeping to ourselves while out in public, and controlling the outcomes of most situations. However, we will never become confident as long as we stay on auto pilot.
God wants us to be bold.
Proverbs 28:1 (MSG) reads ...the righteous are as bold as a lion. God knows that we've been hurt. He was there during the abuse or trauma and in the aftermath of it. He offers us comfort for our pain, but eventually, he wants us to dry our eyes and get back to the business of living. He wants us to be bold, even after we've been hurt.
Like a pilot who's had a little break, there comes a time when we must return to our places. God put us here to carry out a mission, and we can't expect to fulfill his goals for us if we've set our lives on auto pilot. When we return to our rightful places, we discover that new challenges and successes give us opportunities to restore confidence in ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Is your life on auto pilot? Are you going to the same job, hanging out with the same old friends, and bypassing opportunities because it's safer than taking risks? Take a hard look at what you're doing and ask yourself if it's time to take a bold step into the unknown.
Auto Pilot is supposed to be short-term.
Most jets are designed to include an auto pilot setting, which gives the pilot an opportunity to get out of his seat, walk to the bathroom, eat a meal, and stretch. By simply programming the aircraft to follow a specified course, he can momentarily forget about his duties.
Notice that I said he could momentarily set aside his duties. If the man set the auto pilot and then sat down in first class to sleep eight hours, he and the passengers could be in serious danger. They might overshoot their destination, run out of fuel, or collide with other aircraft.
Are we stuck on auto pilot?
If we have been abused for a very long time or if we've suffered a significant trauma, we tend to set our lives on auto pilot. Why? If our days have been unpredictable, the more stable we can make them, the better we feel.
While stability is a good thing, the problem with this auto pilot setting is that it can hurt us if we allow ourselves to stay on it for too long. We may feel safe by limiting ourselves to the confines of our homes, keeping to ourselves while out in public, and controlling the outcomes of most situations. However, we will never become confident as long as we stay on auto pilot.
God wants us to be bold.
Proverbs 28:1 (MSG) reads ...the righteous are as bold as a lion. God knows that we've been hurt. He was there during the abuse or trauma and in the aftermath of it. He offers us comfort for our pain, but eventually, he wants us to dry our eyes and get back to the business of living. He wants us to be bold, even after we've been hurt.
Like a pilot who's had a little break, there comes a time when we must return to our places. God put us here to carry out a mission, and we can't expect to fulfill his goals for us if we've set our lives on auto pilot. When we return to our rightful places, we discover that new challenges and successes give us opportunities to restore confidence in ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Is your life on auto pilot? Are you going to the same job, hanging out with the same old friends, and bypassing opportunities because it's safer than taking risks? Take a hard look at what you're doing and ask yourself if it's time to take a bold step into the unknown.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Figure Out What Matters to You
We are learning how to be more confident as survivors of abuse or trauma in my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, we think about what matters the most to us so that we can build on it to create more courage.
The Pine Beetle
People who raise trees for a living start having anxiety attacks when they hear pine beetle. This wood-boring insect can destroy acres of trees within a very short period of time, wiping out decades of growth and profits.
I know a man who owns thousands of acres of pine trees. If you were to ask him what he felt passionate about, he would probably tell you the complete eradication of pine beetles from the planet.
If I were to ask you how you felt about pine beetles, most of you would shrug and say that you didn't even know what they were. You see, pine beetles don't matter to you, because they have never impacted your life negatively or hurt anyone that you know.
The apostle Paul found something that mattered.
In order to find a way to be courageous in this world, we must discover something that matters to us. Then, we have to build our days, our careers, our legacies around that thing that we can passionately talk about and try to change.
The apostle Paul started out as a Jewish zealot, arresting and killing every Christian he could find. He had found something that mattered to him, and he wasn't going to quit until he had eradicated all Christans, as timber men wish to eradicate pine beetles.
Paul felt really confident about what he was doing, but his efforts were outside of God's plans. So, Jesus met Paul along the road to Damascus and struck him blind.
Bewildered and terrified, Paul stumbled into town, trying to figure out where he had gone wrong. Soon after, God restored his sight, and you can bet that Paul had a new passion as a result of his life-altering experience. He became as zealous for everyone to become Christians as he had been bent on destroying them. (See Acts 26)
Got passion?
I meet a lot of people whom I ask what matters to them. They shrug, as most people might if I asked them to go on a crusade against the pine beetle. They have no passion for living, for changing the world, or for leaving behind a legacy. They seem like sleepwalkers to me, and I wonder how long it will take before they wake up.
If your child were kidnapped by a child molester, would you simply sit back and shrug your shoulders? No! You would develop passion in an instant to hunt down and bring to justice the person who took away your life's treasure.
Our pain creates passion.
If I had to present a seminar about eradicating pine beetles, it would be a boring 90-minute lecture. I don't have a fire in my belly about the subject, and I don't have any personal experience with pest control.
But ask me how childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or PTSD affects survivors, and I could talk for days on end without tiring. My personal pain created by abuse has created a passion that will never end.
I believe that our greatest passion stems from our greatest hurt. This is why my life's work has revolved around helping women and children who have been victims of abuse. I don't want anyone else to suffer as long as I did in silence, shame, and confusion.
I want to leave a legacy that will be remembered for centuries after I'm dead. I hope that survivors of abuse and trauma will associate my name with encouragement and love. We must find some way to turn our pain into something worthwhile, otherwise, we live out our lives as sleepwalkers, oblivious to the opportunities to help others and, in the process, to develop greater confidence in ourselves.
Today's Challenge
What matters to you? Are you passionate about spaying/neutering cats? Protecting the great horned owl? Helping underprivileged kids get into college? Comforting widows? Adopting orphans? Identify something that kindles a passion in you today and write down, My passion is to__________.
The Pine Beetle
People who raise trees for a living start having anxiety attacks when they hear pine beetle. This wood-boring insect can destroy acres of trees within a very short period of time, wiping out decades of growth and profits.
I know a man who owns thousands of acres of pine trees. If you were to ask him what he felt passionate about, he would probably tell you the complete eradication of pine beetles from the planet.
If I were to ask you how you felt about pine beetles, most of you would shrug and say that you didn't even know what they were. You see, pine beetles don't matter to you, because they have never impacted your life negatively or hurt anyone that you know.
The apostle Paul found something that mattered.
In order to find a way to be courageous in this world, we must discover something that matters to us. Then, we have to build our days, our careers, our legacies around that thing that we can passionately talk about and try to change.
The apostle Paul started out as a Jewish zealot, arresting and killing every Christian he could find. He had found something that mattered to him, and he wasn't going to quit until he had eradicated all Christans, as timber men wish to eradicate pine beetles.
Paul felt really confident about what he was doing, but his efforts were outside of God's plans. So, Jesus met Paul along the road to Damascus and struck him blind.
Bewildered and terrified, Paul stumbled into town, trying to figure out where he had gone wrong. Soon after, God restored his sight, and you can bet that Paul had a new passion as a result of his life-altering experience. He became as zealous for everyone to become Christians as he had been bent on destroying them. (See Acts 26)
Got passion?
I meet a lot of people whom I ask what matters to them. They shrug, as most people might if I asked them to go on a crusade against the pine beetle. They have no passion for living, for changing the world, or for leaving behind a legacy. They seem like sleepwalkers to me, and I wonder how long it will take before they wake up.
If your child were kidnapped by a child molester, would you simply sit back and shrug your shoulders? No! You would develop passion in an instant to hunt down and bring to justice the person who took away your life's treasure.
Our pain creates passion.
If I had to present a seminar about eradicating pine beetles, it would be a boring 90-minute lecture. I don't have a fire in my belly about the subject, and I don't have any personal experience with pest control.
But ask me how childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or PTSD affects survivors, and I could talk for days on end without tiring. My personal pain created by abuse has created a passion that will never end.
I believe that our greatest passion stems from our greatest hurt. This is why my life's work has revolved around helping women and children who have been victims of abuse. I don't want anyone else to suffer as long as I did in silence, shame, and confusion.
I want to leave a legacy that will be remembered for centuries after I'm dead. I hope that survivors of abuse and trauma will associate my name with encouragement and love. We must find some way to turn our pain into something worthwhile, otherwise, we live out our lives as sleepwalkers, oblivious to the opportunities to help others and, in the process, to develop greater confidence in ourselves.
Today's Challenge
What matters to you? Are you passionate about spaying/neutering cats? Protecting the great horned owl? Helping underprivileged kids get into college? Comforting widows? Adopting orphans? Identify something that kindles a passion in you today and write down, My passion is to__________.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Imagine Your Future
My series, Confident in God's Garden, continues with some thoughts about looking ahead at the future. We've learned that, as survivors of abuse or trauma, we can be some of the most fearful people on the planet.
Through this series, we've taken some steps to change our outward appearance so that we feel a little more courageous...better equipped for the battles ahead. If we truly want to become bolder, though, we must change what's on the inside, too.
Imagine a fairy tale ending.
Fairy tales have always been popular, because they give readers hope. The author typically introduces a young girl, trapped in an unhappy childhood, and creates a marvelous future for her. When she achieves her dreams, the reader feels satisfied and uplifted.
Snow White danced around, singing Someday My Prince Will Come. She understood the importance of keeping her eyes on what could be, not what was. Hope gave her the courage to keep on moving through life, dreaming of a better future. Eventually, her dreams came true with the arrival of her prince.
We must imagine ourselves in the future, confident, happy, and satisfied. Getting there won't be easy, but if we think about where we want to end up, we can figure out what we need along the way.
What are God's dreams for our future?
God's got a definite plan for our future with him in heaven. Way back when he created the world, our final destinies were already in his plans. To get us to our end destination, he has orchestrated our arrival on earth at exactly the right time. He placed us in our families--even the most dysfunctional ones--where we would learn the skills that we would need for our future lives.
God knew that we would mess things up and get sidetracked along the way. He realized that we would need tremendous hope to keep on going in this challenging world. That's why he sent Jesus to die on a cross to keep sin from separating us from him. Because of God's great love for us, our futures are clearly defined.
God sent Jeremiah, a prophet, to give the Israelites an encouraging message. This same promise still holds true for us and for our future. I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. (Jeremiah 29:11b MSG)
Notice that the final phrase says that God has plans to give us the future that we hope for. So many Christians sit back and say that they're waiting on God to tell them what to do. I think they're wasting a lot of precious time, because they fail to engage their minds to discover their purpose for being here.
God has put desires into our hearts for a reason. Those desires are simply his blueprint for our lives. Anything good that we can imagine, God put there in the first place. Our dreams take us where God wants us to go when we step out with courage and put them into action.
Today's Challenge
Imagine your future self as confident, happy, and satisfied. Write down today what you are doing in your dream. Snow White's specific vision was for a prince to come into her life. What's yours? If you're drawing a blank, pray for God's dreams for your future to become clear to you.
Through this series, we've taken some steps to change our outward appearance so that we feel a little more courageous...better equipped for the battles ahead. If we truly want to become bolder, though, we must change what's on the inside, too.
Imagine a fairy tale ending.
Fairy tales have always been popular, because they give readers hope. The author typically introduces a young girl, trapped in an unhappy childhood, and creates a marvelous future for her. When she achieves her dreams, the reader feels satisfied and uplifted.
Snow White danced around, singing Someday My Prince Will Come. She understood the importance of keeping her eyes on what could be, not what was. Hope gave her the courage to keep on moving through life, dreaming of a better future. Eventually, her dreams came true with the arrival of her prince.
We must imagine ourselves in the future, confident, happy, and satisfied. Getting there won't be easy, but if we think about where we want to end up, we can figure out what we need along the way.
What are God's dreams for our future?
God's got a definite plan for our future with him in heaven. Way back when he created the world, our final destinies were already in his plans. To get us to our end destination, he has orchestrated our arrival on earth at exactly the right time. He placed us in our families--even the most dysfunctional ones--where we would learn the skills that we would need for our future lives.
God knew that we would mess things up and get sidetracked along the way. He realized that we would need tremendous hope to keep on going in this challenging world. That's why he sent Jesus to die on a cross to keep sin from separating us from him. Because of God's great love for us, our futures are clearly defined.
God sent Jeremiah, a prophet, to give the Israelites an encouraging message. This same promise still holds true for us and for our future. I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. (Jeremiah 29:11b MSG)
Notice that the final phrase says that God has plans to give us the future that we hope for. So many Christians sit back and say that they're waiting on God to tell them what to do. I think they're wasting a lot of precious time, because they fail to engage their minds to discover their purpose for being here.
God has put desires into our hearts for a reason. Those desires are simply his blueprint for our lives. Anything good that we can imagine, God put there in the first place. Our dreams take us where God wants us to go when we step out with courage and put them into action.
Today's Challenge
Imagine your future self as confident, happy, and satisfied. Write down today what you are doing in your dream. Snow White's specific vision was for a prince to come into her life. What's yours? If you're drawing a blank, pray for God's dreams for your future to become clear to you.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Arrive Early for Greater Confidence
As survivors of abuse and trauma, we frequently suffer from low self-esteem. We lack the confidence to move forward with our lives, so I've been writing about how we can become more courageous through my series, Confident in God's Hands.
The 10 Minute Rule
Consider how you feel when you find yourself running behind schedule. You look at your watch every few seconds as you crawl through heavy traffic on the way to work. You envision your boss glaring at you when you sneak in late. Every day, you seem to run about 10 minutes behind, no matter how hard you try to arrive on time.
I have a friend who never seemed to suffer from this frustration of running the race against the clock. Whenever we met, he was always there waiting for me, looking unruffled and relaxed. What was his secret?
He told me about The 10-Minute Rule. No matter where he planned to go or who he intended to meet, he always arrived 10 minutes ahead of schedule.
When I asked him how he managed to succeed at this, he said that he did time studies to figure out how long it took to get from his house to his destination. Then, he added a few extra minutes to account for traffic or poor weather. Because of this fudge factor, he sometimes arrived 20 minutes ahead of schedule, but he was never late.
I asked him what he did with those extra 10 or 20 minutes. To me, this seemed very unproductive. With a shrug, he smiled and said that he just sat there and relaxed.
We're so used to multi-tasking that this seems contrary to our upbringing. But recent studies have shown that multi-tasking is far less productive than just focusing on one thing at a time. My friend's practice of relaxing for a few minutes between appointments has kept him far happier and more confident than most of us probably are.
What does God have to say about arriving early?
God created us to live within the confines of time, and he expects us to make the most of our hours here on earth. The apostle Paul reminded the Romans of this. He was talking to them about getting ready for Christ's return, but I think it can generally be applied to our daily schedules. If we keep our sights on God's plans for us and make sure that we're using our time wisely, we will feel more confident doing his work.
Paul said, But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can't afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don't loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about! (Romans 13:11 MSG)
Conduct a time study.
I have conducted my own time studies to figure out how long it takes me to get ready to leave the house. I have discovered over the years that no matter how many children, dogs, or phone calls are factored into the equation, it takes me at least two hours to shower, get dressed, feed the family, walk the dog, and hit the road.
We recently moved about 45 minutes outside of the city. Now, I have to add driving time to my equation. Sometimes I get delayed behind a farmer on a tractor, or believe it or not, a pair of tiny donkeys pulling a man in a miniature cart. In order to arrive 10 minutes early to all of my appointments, I allow myself 60 minutes for driving.
By giving ourselves these extra minutes and figuring in a little extra fudge factor, we can arrive at our destinations feeling more confident. When we approach our day this way, it reduces stress and boosts our self-esteem. We're no longer feeling like the flustered loser who's about to get fired for always arriving late.
Today's Challenge
For the next week, conduct your own time studies. Figure out how long it really takes you to get ready in the morning. Write down your start time and your end time. Do the same for your morning commute. When you have figured out how long it takes, add some extra time to allow for the unexpected. Then, plan to arrive 10 minutes early and add that to your formula.
The 10 Minute Rule
Consider how you feel when you find yourself running behind schedule. You look at your watch every few seconds as you crawl through heavy traffic on the way to work. You envision your boss glaring at you when you sneak in late. Every day, you seem to run about 10 minutes behind, no matter how hard you try to arrive on time.
I have a friend who never seemed to suffer from this frustration of running the race against the clock. Whenever we met, he was always there waiting for me, looking unruffled and relaxed. What was his secret?
He told me about The 10-Minute Rule. No matter where he planned to go or who he intended to meet, he always arrived 10 minutes ahead of schedule.
When I asked him how he managed to succeed at this, he said that he did time studies to figure out how long it took to get from his house to his destination. Then, he added a few extra minutes to account for traffic or poor weather. Because of this fudge factor, he sometimes arrived 20 minutes ahead of schedule, but he was never late.
I asked him what he did with those extra 10 or 20 minutes. To me, this seemed very unproductive. With a shrug, he smiled and said that he just sat there and relaxed.
We're so used to multi-tasking that this seems contrary to our upbringing. But recent studies have shown that multi-tasking is far less productive than just focusing on one thing at a time. My friend's practice of relaxing for a few minutes between appointments has kept him far happier and more confident than most of us probably are.
What does God have to say about arriving early?
God created us to live within the confines of time, and he expects us to make the most of our hours here on earth. The apostle Paul reminded the Romans of this. He was talking to them about getting ready for Christ's return, but I think it can generally be applied to our daily schedules. If we keep our sights on God's plans for us and make sure that we're using our time wisely, we will feel more confident doing his work.
Paul said, But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can't afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don't loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about! (Romans 13:11 MSG)
Conduct a time study.
I have conducted my own time studies to figure out how long it takes me to get ready to leave the house. I have discovered over the years that no matter how many children, dogs, or phone calls are factored into the equation, it takes me at least two hours to shower, get dressed, feed the family, walk the dog, and hit the road.
We recently moved about 45 minutes outside of the city. Now, I have to add driving time to my equation. Sometimes I get delayed behind a farmer on a tractor, or believe it or not, a pair of tiny donkeys pulling a man in a miniature cart. In order to arrive 10 minutes early to all of my appointments, I allow myself 60 minutes for driving.
By giving ourselves these extra minutes and figuring in a little extra fudge factor, we can arrive at our destinations feeling more confident. When we approach our day this way, it reduces stress and boosts our self-esteem. We're no longer feeling like the flustered loser who's about to get fired for always arriving late.
Today's Challenge
For the next week, conduct your own time studies. Figure out how long it really takes you to get ready in the morning. Write down your start time and your end time. Do the same for your morning commute. When you have figured out how long it takes, add some extra time to allow for the unexpected. Then, plan to arrive 10 minutes early and add that to your formula.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Be Prepared to Boost Your Confidence
We are learning how to become more confident people through my series, Confident in God's Hands. These lessons are particularly helpful for readers who have survived abuse or trauma, but they can also be insightful for the rest of the population.
Grandma's Bowling Ball
When I was a kid, I went to stay with my grandmother for a week. One night, she got her bowling ball bag out of the closet and set it beside the door.
"Are we going bowling tonight?" I asked.
"No," Grandma said, "Tomorrow."
Hmm...I had never seen anyone prepare for an event in advance like that. I wondered at the time if it was something that only older people did.
Grandma's night-before preparation intrigued me when I was younger, but it has served as a powerful reminder ever since. She knew the importance of being prepared, which allowed her to sleep soundly, kept her from rushing the following day, prevented her from forgetting to take her ball with her, and helped her to arrive on time at the bowling alley.
God is prepared.
Throughout the Bible, there are numerous references to this practice of being prepared. God models this character trait in many ways, and I particularly like how the apostle, Paul, explained it to the Ephesian church. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.(Ephesians 2:10 NIV)
God has a plan for each one of us. We were sent to earth so that others might come to know him through our love. He is ready to use those who are prepared so that others may be blessed. Are you ready for whatever opportunities may come your way?
Today's Challenge
Do something before going to bed tonight to prepare for your day tomorrow. Lay out your clothes, make a list of errands you will do, or set out the things you will need to take with you when you leave the house. Be prepared and confident for whatever plans God has in store for you.
Grandma's Bowling Ball
When I was a kid, I went to stay with my grandmother for a week. One night, she got her bowling ball bag out of the closet and set it beside the door.
"Are we going bowling tonight?" I asked.
"No," Grandma said, "Tomorrow."
Hmm...I had never seen anyone prepare for an event in advance like that. I wondered at the time if it was something that only older people did.
Grandma's night-before preparation intrigued me when I was younger, but it has served as a powerful reminder ever since. She knew the importance of being prepared, which allowed her to sleep soundly, kept her from rushing the following day, prevented her from forgetting to take her ball with her, and helped her to arrive on time at the bowling alley.
God is prepared.
Throughout the Bible, there are numerous references to this practice of being prepared. God models this character trait in many ways, and I particularly like how the apostle, Paul, explained it to the Ephesian church. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.(Ephesians 2:10 NIV)
God has a plan for each one of us. We were sent to earth so that others might come to know him through our love. He is ready to use those who are prepared so that others may be blessed. Are you ready for whatever opportunities may come your way?
Today's Challenge
Do something before going to bed tonight to prepare for your day tomorrow. Lay out your clothes, make a list of errands you will do, or set out the things you will need to take with you when you leave the house. Be prepared and confident for whatever plans God has in store for you.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Organize Your Closet to Gain Confidence
We continue with my series, Confident in God's Garden. Today, we consider how organizing our clothing can help us to feel more confident.
What's in your closet?
If our closet looks like this one, it's going to drain a lot of our confidence. Why? Because when we wake up in the morning, we can't find anything to wear. When we do find an outfit, it needs to be ironed after laying in a heap on the floor. But, since we've spent so much time rummaging around for our clothes, there's no way we can iron anything. So, we run out the door, looking as if we've slept in our outfit.
What does God think about our messy closets?
The apostle Peter has this to say about our overflowing, poorly organized closets: Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. (I Peter 4:10 NIV)
It is our responsibility to take very good care of every blessing that God gives us, including our clothing. If we've got outdated clothing that we can no longer wear, the wisest thing we can do is give it away. By doing so, we serve others who cannot afford new fashions.
Organize your closet.
There are eight steps that we can follow to organize our closets and boost our confidence in the process. If we feel overwhelmed by this task, inviting a friend to help us can be a great idea.
Not only can our friend assist us in carrying away lots of outdated clothing, but she can also tell us honestly that it's time to give away that sweater that we've been hanging onto since eighth grade. Perhaps we can return the favor later by helping that same friend to clean out her closet.
1) Gather lots of containers. The more outdated clothing in the closet, the more containers we'll need. I use large black garbage bags or empty boxes.
2) We begin by removing and, if necessary, trying on one item at a time. This may take several hours (or days if we haven't organized in years), but that's why we've invited our friend to hang out with us. They can offer moral support and sit with us during breaks to bolster our courage with a cup of coffee or a plate of snacks.
3) Every article of clothing goes into one of four places:
a) back into the closet, because it fits, it's clean, and it's in style. If it's dirty, we put it in the laundry basket or a box destined for the dry cleaner. If it's clean, but wrinkled, we can have our friend iron it while we try on the next item.
b) into a garbage bag destined for our favorite charity, because it's out of style but still in good shape;
c) into a box that will be taken to a consignment shop, because it's no more than two years old and is in great shape, but it doesn't go with anything else we own, or it no longer fits; or
d) into the trash bag, because it's stained, torn, or so old that homeless people wouldn't even consider wearing it.
4) As we re-hang the items that we decide to keep, we place the ones we will be wearing for this season in some kind of logical order. I arrange my closet by putting all of the pants and skirts in one section, blouses in a second one, and jackets in a third. Since I own very few dresses, they generally go in a fourth section by themselves in a part of the closet that's not as easily accessible. I keep shoes in transparent boxes on the shelves.
5) For those items that are out of season, we find another place to store them until the weather changes. We may find space in a spare bedroom closet, or we may have to go to a store to buy some inexpensive clothing racks with covers. These can be placed in a basement or spare room.
6) We make a list of items that we really need, because we've given away your last pair of black pants or our only white shirt. We must resist the temptation to buy anything again without checking our closets first. So many people buy on impulse, just because something's on sale. This almost always proves to be a waste of God's resources, because it goes with nothing in the closet.
7) We load our boxes and bags of dry cleaning and cast-offs into the car and drop them off at the cleaners, our local charity, or a consignment shop. Taking our friend along helps us to resist the urge to pluck things back out of the stash. She can remind us that we're being good stewards by sharing our blessings with the less fortunate.
8) We make a date with our friend to go shopping on another day so that we can fill in the gaps in our wardrobe. She can remind us to bypass all those great deals on clothing that we don't need. We might buy her lunch when we're finished to show her our appreciation and to celebrate our new confidence!
Stay organized.
A word of warning: if we hate this process of re-organizing, we must make sure that we keep our closets tidied up on a weekly basis. When we pick up dry cleaning or do the laundry, we don't put anything back into the closet in the wrong place or without ironing it.
Each season, when we swap out our clothes that we put into storage, we need to repeat this eight-step process. Over the years, it will become much easier and take far less time. We'll discover that we're spending more hours shopping and dining out than we are overhauling our disastrous closets.
We'll also save a lot of money by following this plan. Shopping only with our list and with our wardrobe accountability partner prevents us from wasting money on things we don't need.
Keeping our clothing organized is key to feeling confident. Our dressing area sets the stage for the rest of our day, so we must make it a place that will inspire us to look our best. Because when we look sharp, we feel sharp.
Today's Challenge
Schedule a block of time with a close friend to organize your closet, following the eight steps detailed above. Choose that friend wisely, because a person who is a pack rat or has a messier closet than yours may not be as helpful as one who is well-dressed and highly organized.
What's in your closet?
If our closet looks like this one, it's going to drain a lot of our confidence. Why? Because when we wake up in the morning, we can't find anything to wear. When we do find an outfit, it needs to be ironed after laying in a heap on the floor. But, since we've spent so much time rummaging around for our clothes, there's no way we can iron anything. So, we run out the door, looking as if we've slept in our outfit.
What does God think about our messy closets?
The apostle Peter has this to say about our overflowing, poorly organized closets: Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. (I Peter 4:10 NIV)
It is our responsibility to take very good care of every blessing that God gives us, including our clothing. If we've got outdated clothing that we can no longer wear, the wisest thing we can do is give it away. By doing so, we serve others who cannot afford new fashions.
Organize your closet.
There are eight steps that we can follow to organize our closets and boost our confidence in the process. If we feel overwhelmed by this task, inviting a friend to help us can be a great idea.
Not only can our friend assist us in carrying away lots of outdated clothing, but she can also tell us honestly that it's time to give away that sweater that we've been hanging onto since eighth grade. Perhaps we can return the favor later by helping that same friend to clean out her closet.
1) Gather lots of containers. The more outdated clothing in the closet, the more containers we'll need. I use large black garbage bags or empty boxes.
2) We begin by removing and, if necessary, trying on one item at a time. This may take several hours (or days if we haven't organized in years), but that's why we've invited our friend to hang out with us. They can offer moral support and sit with us during breaks to bolster our courage with a cup of coffee or a plate of snacks.
3) Every article of clothing goes into one of four places:
a) back into the closet, because it fits, it's clean, and it's in style. If it's dirty, we put it in the laundry basket or a box destined for the dry cleaner. If it's clean, but wrinkled, we can have our friend iron it while we try on the next item.
b) into a garbage bag destined for our favorite charity, because it's out of style but still in good shape;
c) into a box that will be taken to a consignment shop, because it's no more than two years old and is in great shape, but it doesn't go with anything else we own, or it no longer fits; or
d) into the trash bag, because it's stained, torn, or so old that homeless people wouldn't even consider wearing it.
4) As we re-hang the items that we decide to keep, we place the ones we will be wearing for this season in some kind of logical order. I arrange my closet by putting all of the pants and skirts in one section, blouses in a second one, and jackets in a third. Since I own very few dresses, they generally go in a fourth section by themselves in a part of the closet that's not as easily accessible. I keep shoes in transparent boxes on the shelves.
5) For those items that are out of season, we find another place to store them until the weather changes. We may find space in a spare bedroom closet, or we may have to go to a store to buy some inexpensive clothing racks with covers. These can be placed in a basement or spare room.
6) We make a list of items that we really need, because we've given away your last pair of black pants or our only white shirt. We must resist the temptation to buy anything again without checking our closets first. So many people buy on impulse, just because something's on sale. This almost always proves to be a waste of God's resources, because it goes with nothing in the closet.
7) We load our boxes and bags of dry cleaning and cast-offs into the car and drop them off at the cleaners, our local charity, or a consignment shop. Taking our friend along helps us to resist the urge to pluck things back out of the stash. She can remind us that we're being good stewards by sharing our blessings with the less fortunate.
8) We make a date with our friend to go shopping on another day so that we can fill in the gaps in our wardrobe. She can remind us to bypass all those great deals on clothing that we don't need. We might buy her lunch when we're finished to show her our appreciation and to celebrate our new confidence!
Stay organized.
A word of warning: if we hate this process of re-organizing, we must make sure that we keep our closets tidied up on a weekly basis. When we pick up dry cleaning or do the laundry, we don't put anything back into the closet in the wrong place or without ironing it.
Each season, when we swap out our clothes that we put into storage, we need to repeat this eight-step process. Over the years, it will become much easier and take far less time. We'll discover that we're spending more hours shopping and dining out than we are overhauling our disastrous closets.
We'll also save a lot of money by following this plan. Shopping only with our list and with our wardrobe accountability partner prevents us from wasting money on things we don't need.
Keeping our clothing organized is key to feeling confident. Our dressing area sets the stage for the rest of our day, so we must make it a place that will inspire us to look our best. Because when we look sharp, we feel sharp.
Today's Challenge
Schedule a block of time with a close friend to organize your closet, following the eight steps detailed above. Choose that friend wisely, because a person who is a pack rat or has a messier closet than yours may not be as helpful as one who is well-dressed and highly organized.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
A Makeover Fit for a Queen
We have been learning about how to increase our confidence this week by improving our outward appearance. This is a continuation of my series, Confident in God's Hands.
Put your best face forward.
If we want to feel confident, I believe it's important to take good care of our skin. When I was younger, I had such severe acne that kids at school made up cruel songs about me.
Regular trips to a dermatologist during my teen years helped, but I also think that a good skin care routine did wonders for my face. For nearly 40 years, I have used Mary Kay cosmetics with excellent results.
Get a new look.
Basic skin care gives us a healthy glow, but I'm a firm believer in using a good foundation and some glamour products to highlight our facial features. Lip color, cheek color, and eye makeup can work together to create a much more appealing look.
I went to www.marykay.com and downloaded a picture of myself without makeup and with hair flattened by a rainstorm. Then, I clicked through all of the choices to come up with a makeover. The website gives users opportunities to select styles. There's even a way to make yourself look like Prince William's queen-to-be.
The computer-generated colorations and applications are a little cheesey, but the program helped me to see two important points: 1) I definitely need some makeup so that I don't look so pasty; and 2) I think I could use a little more hair in a slightly darker color.
Be adventurous.
Many women are terrified of makeup, fearing that they will make mistakes in applying it and look like clowns. But a talented make-up artist at a cosmetic counter or a Mary Kay consultant can be quite helpful. Knowing how to cleanse our skin and properly apply makeup can really boost our confidence.
What does the Bible say about cosmetics?
Esther was a beautiful Jewish woman in ancient Israel. She was given an opportunity to audition to become queen. Cosmetics played a role in her preparations, as we can see in Esther 2:12 (MSG): Each girl's turn came to go in to King Xerxes after she had completed the twelve months of prescribed beauty treatments—six months' treatment with oil of myrrh followed by six months with perfumes and various cosmetics.
Esther captivated the king, who chose her as his new queen. We don't know if it was the makeup, something in her genes, or a combination of the two; but her beauty helped her to win the throne. Whether we are trying to captivate a man or simply inspire ourselves, I think makeup definitely boosts confidence.
Today's Challenge
Do your own virtual makeover or go to a cosmetics counter for a free one. Ask for suggestions that are appropriate for your age, and don't be afraid to say that you need directions on how to apply makeup.
Put your best face forward.
If we want to feel confident, I believe it's important to take good care of our skin. When I was younger, I had such severe acne that kids at school made up cruel songs about me.
Regular trips to a dermatologist during my teen years helped, but I also think that a good skin care routine did wonders for my face. For nearly 40 years, I have used Mary Kay cosmetics with excellent results.
Get a new look.
Basic skin care gives us a healthy glow, but I'm a firm believer in using a good foundation and some glamour products to highlight our facial features. Lip color, cheek color, and eye makeup can work together to create a much more appealing look.
I went to www.marykay.com and downloaded a picture of myself without makeup and with hair flattened by a rainstorm. Then, I clicked through all of the choices to come up with a makeover. The website gives users opportunities to select styles. There's even a way to make yourself look like Prince William's queen-to-be.
The computer-generated colorations and applications are a little cheesey, but the program helped me to see two important points: 1) I definitely need some makeup so that I don't look so pasty; and 2) I think I could use a little more hair in a slightly darker color.
Be adventurous.
Many women are terrified of makeup, fearing that they will make mistakes in applying it and look like clowns. But a talented make-up artist at a cosmetic counter or a Mary Kay consultant can be quite helpful. Knowing how to cleanse our skin and properly apply makeup can really boost our confidence.
What does the Bible say about cosmetics?
Esther was a beautiful Jewish woman in ancient Israel. She was given an opportunity to audition to become queen. Cosmetics played a role in her preparations, as we can see in Esther 2:12 (MSG): Each girl's turn came to go in to King Xerxes after she had completed the twelve months of prescribed beauty treatments—six months' treatment with oil of myrrh followed by six months with perfumes and various cosmetics.
Esther captivated the king, who chose her as his new queen. We don't know if it was the makeup, something in her genes, or a combination of the two; but her beauty helped her to win the throne. Whether we are trying to captivate a man or simply inspire ourselves, I think makeup definitely boosts confidence.
Today's Challenge
Do your own virtual makeover or go to a cosmetics counter for a free one. Ask for suggestions that are appropriate for your age, and don't be afraid to say that you need directions on how to apply makeup.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Our Hairstyle Reflects our Self-Confidence
We continue with my series, Confident in God's Hands. I am addressing issues that may contribute to low self-esteem, which can deter us from achieving our dreams. Today, I would like to consider how our hairstyles reveal our level of self-confidence.
What message is her haircut sending?
This photo shows Susan Boyle when she competed in Britain's Got Talent. She walked onstage and told the judges that she wanted to be a great singing sensation. The judges sneered at her, and the audience let out a collective snicker.
Susan's frizzy hair sent the message that she was a dowdy middle-aged housewife without much hope of ever making it in the world. After she belted out the first few notes, however, everyone's opinion of her changed dramatically. This woman could sing!
My first thought was that someone had better offer her a make-over. In this world, people expect singers, actors, and leaders to have beautiful hair. To appear in public looking this frazzled is a sure-fire way to become the brunt of many rude jokes and to be passed over when competing.
Past hurts can affect our self-image.
I have since read Susan Boyle's autobiography, and I have developed a deep appreciation for her courage. She was oxygen-deprived at birth and consequently had to overcome many learning disabilities throughout childhood.
Being teased by other children caused her to become extremely unsure of herself. She had such anxiety about performing when this picture was taken that she nearly backed out of the competition. Her appearance reflects how she felt.
When we are ostracized because we don't look or act like others, it can cause us to become depressed or to develop social anxiety. Depression and anxiety further lead to the neglect of our grooming habits. When we develop long-term apathy for our own souls, it gets reflected in the way we look.
For some of us, this becomes a vicious cycle. We don't feel good on the inside, so we look terrible. Looking unkempt causes others to avoid us or criticize us, which leads to feeling even worse. Something must change, or we remain stuck in this cycle indefinitely.
Like social ostracizing, emotional abuse can also leave lasting scars that make us feel ugly. My ex-husband was so mercilessly critical of my hair that it took me years after leaving him to believe that it was minimally good-looking.
It has only been in the past year that I have finally discovered an attractive haircut and color that make me feel confident again. I believe that my interest in improving my appearance coincides directly with the work I have done to forgive my abusers and to help other survivors.
What is God's opinion about our hair?
I believe that God gave us hair to enhance our beauty. When it is well cared for, a woman's hair can be her crowning glory. An attractive haircut and color can attract others to us. Women want to look like us, and men want to be with us.
King Solomon wrote about his lover, Your hair flows and shimmers like a flock of goats in the distance streaming down a hillside in the sunshine. (Song of Solomon 6:4 MSG) Okay, so Solomon's similes weren't all that great, but you get the idea. His woman's hair caused him to admire her and to appreciate the beauty that God created when he made her.
Our hair reflects how we feel about ourselves.
The photo below was taken of Susan Boyle after she won a recording contract for her first album.
What a difference! Yes, Susan had a makeover, but there's more to her look than just a good haircut. Her eyes tell a story about how she feels. The confidence she acquired by succeeding and gaining the acceptance of her peers changed her appearance completely. She broke the cycle of dowdiness by taking a leap of faith to use her talents and make a difference in the world.
Fake it until you make it.
If we feel depressed or anxious about going out into the world, our hair is gong to reflect our issues. Al-Anon advises that we fake it until we make it. In other words, we get up, shower, wash our hair, put on make-up, and dress in current fashions. We do this every day, no matter how badly we feel about ourselves.
Even if our hair isn't perfect, we keep trying until we get it right. Perhaps we begin by asking others for their honest opinion. Or maybe we seek out the advice of a highly respected hair stylist. I did both.
This process of changing our image may not be easy, but it's worth it in the long run. Making ourselves open to others' opinions and accepting feedback is the only way we are going to change.
Susan Boyle's jitters didn't go away with her overnight success. She continues to struggle with anxiety, but she is faking it and getting closer to making it every day. Her new hairstyle (which was created by a professional) is helping her to gain confidence along the way.
Today's Challenge
Have someone take a photo of you today. Is your hair expressing the glory and beauty that God created when he made you, or is there room for improvement? Ask others for their opinion or consult an expert to bring your hair into current fashion so that you can fake it until you develop greater confidence.
This photo shows Susan Boyle when she competed in Britain's Got Talent. She walked onstage and told the judges that she wanted to be a great singing sensation. The judges sneered at her, and the audience let out a collective snicker.
Susan's frizzy hair sent the message that she was a dowdy middle-aged housewife without much hope of ever making it in the world. After she belted out the first few notes, however, everyone's opinion of her changed dramatically. This woman could sing!
My first thought was that someone had better offer her a make-over. In this world, people expect singers, actors, and leaders to have beautiful hair. To appear in public looking this frazzled is a sure-fire way to become the brunt of many rude jokes and to be passed over when competing.
Past hurts can affect our self-image.
I have since read Susan Boyle's autobiography, and I have developed a deep appreciation for her courage. She was oxygen-deprived at birth and consequently had to overcome many learning disabilities throughout childhood.
Being teased by other children caused her to become extremely unsure of herself. She had such anxiety about performing when this picture was taken that she nearly backed out of the competition. Her appearance reflects how she felt.
When we are ostracized because we don't look or act like others, it can cause us to become depressed or to develop social anxiety. Depression and anxiety further lead to the neglect of our grooming habits. When we develop long-term apathy for our own souls, it gets reflected in the way we look.
For some of us, this becomes a vicious cycle. We don't feel good on the inside, so we look terrible. Looking unkempt causes others to avoid us or criticize us, which leads to feeling even worse. Something must change, or we remain stuck in this cycle indefinitely.
Like social ostracizing, emotional abuse can also leave lasting scars that make us feel ugly. My ex-husband was so mercilessly critical of my hair that it took me years after leaving him to believe that it was minimally good-looking.
It has only been in the past year that I have finally discovered an attractive haircut and color that make me feel confident again. I believe that my interest in improving my appearance coincides directly with the work I have done to forgive my abusers and to help other survivors.
What is God's opinion about our hair?
I believe that God gave us hair to enhance our beauty. When it is well cared for, a woman's hair can be her crowning glory. An attractive haircut and color can attract others to us. Women want to look like us, and men want to be with us.
King Solomon wrote about his lover, Your hair flows and shimmers like a flock of goats in the distance streaming down a hillside in the sunshine. (Song of Solomon 6:4 MSG) Okay, so Solomon's similes weren't all that great, but you get the idea. His woman's hair caused him to admire her and to appreciate the beauty that God created when he made her.
Our hair reflects how we feel about ourselves.
The photo below was taken of Susan Boyle after she won a recording contract for her first album.
What a difference! Yes, Susan had a makeover, but there's more to her look than just a good haircut. Her eyes tell a story about how she feels. The confidence she acquired by succeeding and gaining the acceptance of her peers changed her appearance completely. She broke the cycle of dowdiness by taking a leap of faith to use her talents and make a difference in the world.
Fake it until you make it.
If we feel depressed or anxious about going out into the world, our hair is gong to reflect our issues. Al-Anon advises that we fake it until we make it. In other words, we get up, shower, wash our hair, put on make-up, and dress in current fashions. We do this every day, no matter how badly we feel about ourselves.
Even if our hair isn't perfect, we keep trying until we get it right. Perhaps we begin by asking others for their honest opinion. Or maybe we seek out the advice of a highly respected hair stylist. I did both.
This process of changing our image may not be easy, but it's worth it in the long run. Making ourselves open to others' opinions and accepting feedback is the only way we are going to change.
Susan Boyle's jitters didn't go away with her overnight success. She continues to struggle with anxiety, but she is faking it and getting closer to making it every day. Her new hairstyle (which was created by a professional) is helping her to gain confidence along the way.
Today's Challenge
Have someone take a photo of you today. Is your hair expressing the glory and beauty that God created when he made you, or is there room for improvement? Ask others for their opinion or consult an expert to bring your hair into current fashion so that you can fake it until you develop greater confidence.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Love Your Neighbor As Yourself
This week, we have learned that God loves us so much that he gave up his only son to die for us. Therefore, we have good reason to love him in return for his graciousness to us. We are called to share that love with all people and to pray for those who have hurt us. Today, I would like to look at what it means to love our neighbors in my series, Thriving in God's Garden.
The Golden Rule
When a teacher of the law asked Jesus which commandment was the most important, this was his response. "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-31 NIV)
Love your neighbor as yourself has come to be known as The Golden Rule. There is no greater law that governs how people are supposed to treat one another. So what, exactly, does it mean to love our neighbors as ourselves?
Do you love yourself?
Many people who have suffered the trauma of childhood sexual abuse or domestic violence have very low opinions of themselves. They find it difficult to love themselves, because they either feel degraded and ashamed of themselves, or they have been brainwashed into believing that they are worthless. In order to love others, we must first learn to love ourselves.
This means that we actually accept the love that God has to offer. And when we reach out and take it from him, we love him back by changing the way we live. We give up habits that would make God feel unwelcome in our homes. And we turn away from any lifestyle that would harm our bodies. After all, God's Spirit lives inside of us when we become Christians, so we really need to keep ourselves pure.
Love people who aren't easy to love.
So, if we're behaving ourselves so that we can feel good about our lives, we can learn to share God's love with others. Most of us have no difficulty loving our children or our pets. Some have a little trouble loving spouses. Many of us struggle when it comes to loving certain neighbors, because they aren't exactly easy to love.
We used to have a neighbor who drank together with her adult children every night. While we were trying to sleep, the neighbors were shouting obscenities at one another and breaking beer bottles in their backyard. After many sleepless nights, Joe went to ask them to quiet down. That lasted about ten minutes.
The next night, we decided it was best to call the police. After a cop arrived to tell the neighbors to take their party inside, we could hear them bickering about who caused the problem and speculating that we were the people who had turned them in.
It was difficult to be pleasant to this woman, because she was drunk and surly at night and then withdrawn during the day. Nevertheless, we tried our best to be good neighbors to her. When I picked vegetables from the garden, I shared them with her. I baked cookies for her children and gave her books I had finished reading. I can't say that we ever became friends, but I tried my best to love my neighbor.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who needs to feel God's love? Perhaps there's a co-worker, a neighbor, a child down the block, or an elderly person who needs to feel a connection to God through you. Take time today to speak with that person, offer them a small gift, or do a chore for them. By loving someone else, you will find that you love yourself a little bit more in the process.
The Golden Rule
When a teacher of the law asked Jesus which commandment was the most important, this was his response. "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-31 NIV)
Love your neighbor as yourself has come to be known as The Golden Rule. There is no greater law that governs how people are supposed to treat one another. So what, exactly, does it mean to love our neighbors as ourselves?
Do you love yourself?
Many people who have suffered the trauma of childhood sexual abuse or domestic violence have very low opinions of themselves. They find it difficult to love themselves, because they either feel degraded and ashamed of themselves, or they have been brainwashed into believing that they are worthless. In order to love others, we must first learn to love ourselves.
This means that we actually accept the love that God has to offer. And when we reach out and take it from him, we love him back by changing the way we live. We give up habits that would make God feel unwelcome in our homes. And we turn away from any lifestyle that would harm our bodies. After all, God's Spirit lives inside of us when we become Christians, so we really need to keep ourselves pure.
Love people who aren't easy to love.
So, if we're behaving ourselves so that we can feel good about our lives, we can learn to share God's love with others. Most of us have no difficulty loving our children or our pets. Some have a little trouble loving spouses. Many of us struggle when it comes to loving certain neighbors, because they aren't exactly easy to love.
We used to have a neighbor who drank together with her adult children every night. While we were trying to sleep, the neighbors were shouting obscenities at one another and breaking beer bottles in their backyard. After many sleepless nights, Joe went to ask them to quiet down. That lasted about ten minutes.
The next night, we decided it was best to call the police. After a cop arrived to tell the neighbors to take their party inside, we could hear them bickering about who caused the problem and speculating that we were the people who had turned them in.
It was difficult to be pleasant to this woman, because she was drunk and surly at night and then withdrawn during the day. Nevertheless, we tried our best to be good neighbors to her. When I picked vegetables from the garden, I shared them with her. I baked cookies for her children and gave her books I had finished reading. I can't say that we ever became friends, but I tried my best to love my neighbor.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who needs to feel God's love? Perhaps there's a co-worker, a neighbor, a child down the block, or an elderly person who needs to feel a connection to God through you. Take time today to speak with that person, offer them a small gift, or do a chore for them. By loving someone else, you will find that you love yourself a little bit more in the process.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Release Your Enemy to God
For the past two months, we have journeyed together through my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Today is the final post on this topic. Next week, we will begin a new series based on the fruit of the Spirit, titled Thriving in God's Garden.
Forgiveness is a long journey.
For a number of years, I have been working through this process of forgiving the people who have hurt me the most. I would like to thank my friends and readers who have offered their thoughts about this topic. You have all been extremely helpful. The following paragraphs contain my conclusions about how a survivor of abuse or trauma can remove the roadblocks to forgiveness and begin to thrive.
We are deeply wounded by abuse or trauma.
First, we must acknowledge that childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, and trauma all leave us with scars. When our perpetrators are finished with us, we may feel:
angry,
fearful,
mistrusting,
incompetent,
guilty,
vengeful,
prideful,
hateful, or
depressed.
Before we can forgive, we must face the truth about our past. If it was hurtful, we need to admit that to ourselves. Then, we need to ask God to comfort us.
Misunderstandings about forgiveness stand as roadblocks for us.
Second, we must realize that many misunderstandings about forgiveness stand in our way to achieving inner peace. These roadblocks to forgiveness include the following:
Roadblock #1: We must learn to get along with evil people.
Often, victims of childhood sexual abuse are told by their abusers that sexual activity between children and adults is good. Harming a child for self-gratification is never good. Actions such as these are always evil, but evil people may try to convince us that they are good.
When we fail to recognize the differences between good and evil, we get stranded on the side of the forgiveness road. The Bible tells us that good and evil cannot coexist. Therefore, we must separate ourselves from the people who continue to abuse us so that we can clearly understand the differences between good and evil.
By studying the Bible, talking with mature Christians, and praying for God to make us more like him, we can clear up this misunderstanding that we must learn to live with evil people. We can finally see that whatever opposes God's law or his character is evil. And whatever imitates him is good.
By learning to see God from a more balanced perspective, we can move forward on the road to forgiving by letting go of the people who are evil. In doing this, we learn without a doubt that our God is balanced, offering blessings to those who obey him and punishment for those who oppose him.
Roadblock #2: I am superior to my enemy.
As victims of serious crimes, we often see ourselves as superior to our perpetrators. This attitude always stands in our way of inner peace. As long as we think the entire problem lies with our enemy, we will remain stalled in our quest to forgive.
We must learn to see ourselves as God does, just as faulty on the inside as our enemies. If we are ever going to forgive them, we have to learn what the entire forgiveness process entails. The steps to forgiving mean that we:
-recognize that God's character defines all that is good,
-recognize that whatever opposes God's character is evil,
-admit that we have faults, just as our enemy does,
-humbly ask God to forgive our sins,
-accept God's grace and let go of all guilt,
-turn our life completely around so that we can imitate God better,
-ask others whom we have hurt for their forgiveness, and
-offer restitution to anyone we have hurt.
Roadblock #3: I have to restore the relationship with my enemy.
The biggest roadblock to forgiveness looms before us when we confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. To reconcile means that we put our differences aside and resume a relationship with someone who has hurt us.
Many people assume that if we forgive someone, we have to invite them back into our lives. This is not true. It is perfectly okay for us to remove ourselves permanently from the influence of someone who has hurt us or continues to hurt us. Even if the person who hurt us is a member of our own family, we do not have to invite them back into our lives.
Roadblock #4: I have to teach my enemy how to apologize.
So many victims believe that it is their duty to teach their enemies how to admit their sin, receive God's grace, and change their lives. As victims, we are the last people who should be doing this. We will only be seen as preachy hypocrites in our enemy's eyes. It is far better to pray for them from a distance, asking God to send others to change them. We can never force our enemies into changing so that we can forgive them.
Roadblock #5: I have to tell him, "I forgive you."
Many victims assume that they have to walk up to the criminal who has hurt them and say the words, "I forgive you," even if that person has never accepted responsibilty for his actions, apologized, changed his life, or offered restitution. This assumption hurts both victim and perpetrator.
When a victim tells her perpetrator, "I forgive you," without any forgiveness effort on his part, she sets herself up for further abuse. Many abusers see this pardon as a green light to resume the behaviors that must not have been all that bad. Otherwise, in their minds, the forgiveness would not have been forthcoming.
This type of pseudo-forgiveness hurts the perpetrator, too. It robs him of the opportunity to learn how to humble himself before God and the people he has hurt. It steals away the time he needs to figure out how to accept and give forgiveness.
The best way to handle an unrepentant enemy who has never truly accepted responsiblity for his actions or sincerely apologized for them is to say these words to God alone: "I release my enemy into your hands. I am willing to forgive him when he is ready. Please help him."
The words we may choose to say to our enemies from a distance, either by phone or letter, are these: "You have hurt me. I am willing to forgive you after you have learned what it takes to be forgiven. Until then, we cannot be in a relationship." Enough said. Hang up or sign the letter.
We can only change ourselves.
Third, when we release our enemies, we let go of our need to control the outcome. Instead of spending the rest of our lives focused on how our perpetrator needs to change, we can focus on changing ourselves. In the meantime, we get out of the way so that God can work on our enemy's heart.
We change ourselves by learning as much as we can about God's character, and then we imitate him to the best of our ability. We learn, as I have taught in this series, what it takes to humble ourselves before God and others to offer sincere apologies when we hurt people. We follow up our apologies with offers of restitution, and we try our best to learn a lesson so that we don't repeat the same mistakes.
By focusing on our own need for forgiveness, we let go of our preoccupation with our enemy's need for forgiveness. This frees us to go back and clean up the messes that were caused by the original abuse, such as our anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, vengefulness, pride, hatred, and depression.
We should show others how to forgive.
Fourth, we should share these newfound lessons about forgiveness with others. Now that you understand the truth about the forgiveness journey and how you can remove the roadblocks, I hope you'll begin to thrive! When you feel confident, I hope you'll teach the process to others by modeling appropriate forgiveness throughout your life.
I am at peace.
Somewhere along the way, God helped me to let go of the bitterness and anger that I felt toward the people who have deeply hurt me. When I began to pray that he would help me let go of them, my grip on the list of their faults began to loosen.
Today, I am at peace, because I realize that it is not my job to point out my enemies' faults to them. I am the last person they need to hear from regarding how badly they have failed at the forgiveness process. Some therapists advocate confronting abusers to tell them exactly how much they have hurt us. I disagree. God knows what they've done. We can tell him about our hurts and leave our enemies in his capable hands.
I continue to pray that my enemies will learn about the forgiveness process, because it brings such peace. I have released the people who have hurt me into God's hands, and I look forward to the outcomes he is able to bring about in their lives. Perhaps they will come to me someday to show me that they are sincerely sorry. If that happens, we will all rejoice together.
In the meantime, this search for a way to forgive my enemies has led me to the realization that I needed to be humbled. I am not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Holding onto the pain of my past was hurting me far more than it was helping my enemies to see the error of their ways.
Share your insights about forgiveness with me.
Thank you for taking this road trip with me. I value your feedback, so please post your comments here or send them to me at cheryldenton@rocketmail.com.
Join me next week as we begin my new series, Thriving In God's Garden.
Forgiveness is a long journey.
For a number of years, I have been working through this process of forgiving the people who have hurt me the most. I would like to thank my friends and readers who have offered their thoughts about this topic. You have all been extremely helpful. The following paragraphs contain my conclusions about how a survivor of abuse or trauma can remove the roadblocks to forgiveness and begin to thrive.
We are deeply wounded by abuse or trauma.
First, we must acknowledge that childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, and trauma all leave us with scars. When our perpetrators are finished with us, we may feel:
angry,
fearful,
mistrusting,
incompetent,
guilty,
vengeful,
prideful,
hateful, or
depressed.
Before we can forgive, we must face the truth about our past. If it was hurtful, we need to admit that to ourselves. Then, we need to ask God to comfort us.
Misunderstandings about forgiveness stand as roadblocks for us.
Second, we must realize that many misunderstandings about forgiveness stand in our way to achieving inner peace. These roadblocks to forgiveness include the following:
Roadblock #1: We must learn to get along with evil people.
Often, victims of childhood sexual abuse are told by their abusers that sexual activity between children and adults is good. Harming a child for self-gratification is never good. Actions such as these are always evil, but evil people may try to convince us that they are good.
When we fail to recognize the differences between good and evil, we get stranded on the side of the forgiveness road. The Bible tells us that good and evil cannot coexist. Therefore, we must separate ourselves from the people who continue to abuse us so that we can clearly understand the differences between good and evil.
By studying the Bible, talking with mature Christians, and praying for God to make us more like him, we can clear up this misunderstanding that we must learn to live with evil people. We can finally see that whatever opposes God's law or his character is evil. And whatever imitates him is good.
By learning to see God from a more balanced perspective, we can move forward on the road to forgiving by letting go of the people who are evil. In doing this, we learn without a doubt that our God is balanced, offering blessings to those who obey him and punishment for those who oppose him.
Roadblock #2: I am superior to my enemy.
As victims of serious crimes, we often see ourselves as superior to our perpetrators. This attitude always stands in our way of inner peace. As long as we think the entire problem lies with our enemy, we will remain stalled in our quest to forgive.
We must learn to see ourselves as God does, just as faulty on the inside as our enemies. If we are ever going to forgive them, we have to learn what the entire forgiveness process entails. The steps to forgiving mean that we:
-recognize that God's character defines all that is good,
-recognize that whatever opposes God's character is evil,
-admit that we have faults, just as our enemy does,
-humbly ask God to forgive our sins,
-accept God's grace and let go of all guilt,
-turn our life completely around so that we can imitate God better,
-ask others whom we have hurt for their forgiveness, and
-offer restitution to anyone we have hurt.
Roadblock #3: I have to restore the relationship with my enemy.
The biggest roadblock to forgiveness looms before us when we confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. To reconcile means that we put our differences aside and resume a relationship with someone who has hurt us.
Many people assume that if we forgive someone, we have to invite them back into our lives. This is not true. It is perfectly okay for us to remove ourselves permanently from the influence of someone who has hurt us or continues to hurt us. Even if the person who hurt us is a member of our own family, we do not have to invite them back into our lives.
Roadblock #4: I have to teach my enemy how to apologize.
So many victims believe that it is their duty to teach their enemies how to admit their sin, receive God's grace, and change their lives. As victims, we are the last people who should be doing this. We will only be seen as preachy hypocrites in our enemy's eyes. It is far better to pray for them from a distance, asking God to send others to change them. We can never force our enemies into changing so that we can forgive them.
Roadblock #5: I have to tell him, "I forgive you."
Many victims assume that they have to walk up to the criminal who has hurt them and say the words, "I forgive you," even if that person has never accepted responsibilty for his actions, apologized, changed his life, or offered restitution. This assumption hurts both victim and perpetrator.
When a victim tells her perpetrator, "I forgive you," without any forgiveness effort on his part, she sets herself up for further abuse. Many abusers see this pardon as a green light to resume the behaviors that must not have been all that bad. Otherwise, in their minds, the forgiveness would not have been forthcoming.
This type of pseudo-forgiveness hurts the perpetrator, too. It robs him of the opportunity to learn how to humble himself before God and the people he has hurt. It steals away the time he needs to figure out how to accept and give forgiveness.
The best way to handle an unrepentant enemy who has never truly accepted responsiblity for his actions or sincerely apologized for them is to say these words to God alone: "I release my enemy into your hands. I am willing to forgive him when he is ready. Please help him."
The words we may choose to say to our enemies from a distance, either by phone or letter, are these: "You have hurt me. I am willing to forgive you after you have learned what it takes to be forgiven. Until then, we cannot be in a relationship." Enough said. Hang up or sign the letter.
We can only change ourselves.
Third, when we release our enemies, we let go of our need to control the outcome. Instead of spending the rest of our lives focused on how our perpetrator needs to change, we can focus on changing ourselves. In the meantime, we get out of the way so that God can work on our enemy's heart.
We change ourselves by learning as much as we can about God's character, and then we imitate him to the best of our ability. We learn, as I have taught in this series, what it takes to humble ourselves before God and others to offer sincere apologies when we hurt people. We follow up our apologies with offers of restitution, and we try our best to learn a lesson so that we don't repeat the same mistakes.
By focusing on our own need for forgiveness, we let go of our preoccupation with our enemy's need for forgiveness. This frees us to go back and clean up the messes that were caused by the original abuse, such as our anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, vengefulness, pride, hatred, and depression.
We should show others how to forgive.
Fourth, we should share these newfound lessons about forgiveness with others. Now that you understand the truth about the forgiveness journey and how you can remove the roadblocks, I hope you'll begin to thrive! When you feel confident, I hope you'll teach the process to others by modeling appropriate forgiveness throughout your life.
I am at peace.
Somewhere along the way, God helped me to let go of the bitterness and anger that I felt toward the people who have deeply hurt me. When I began to pray that he would help me let go of them, my grip on the list of their faults began to loosen.
Today, I am at peace, because I realize that it is not my job to point out my enemies' faults to them. I am the last person they need to hear from regarding how badly they have failed at the forgiveness process. Some therapists advocate confronting abusers to tell them exactly how much they have hurt us. I disagree. God knows what they've done. We can tell him about our hurts and leave our enemies in his capable hands.
I continue to pray that my enemies will learn about the forgiveness process, because it brings such peace. I have released the people who have hurt me into God's hands, and I look forward to the outcomes he is able to bring about in their lives. Perhaps they will come to me someday to show me that they are sincerely sorry. If that happens, we will all rejoice together.
In the meantime, this search for a way to forgive my enemies has led me to the realization that I needed to be humbled. I am not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Holding onto the pain of my past was hurting me far more than it was helping my enemies to see the error of their ways.
Share your insights about forgiveness with me.
Thank you for taking this road trip with me. I value your feedback, so please post your comments here or send them to me at cheryldenton@rocketmail.com.
Join me next week as we begin my new series, Thriving In God's Garden.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Develop Higher Self-Esteem
Yesterday, we learned that low self-esteem is frequently caused by childhood abuse, criticism, or brainwashing. If we were told that we're stupid, ugly, or bad often enough, we develop a false perception of ourselves. Today, we discover some simple steps to boost our self-esteem so that we can more easily forgive.
Consider the true origins of low self-esteem.
Most researchers of low self-esteem go back to classic psychology, claiming that a lack of nurturing at early stages hinders our sense of self. If we understand that our parents, teachers, siblings, and childhood friends failed to provide what we needed to become confident people, we must fill in the gaps now.
If there's a voice in your head telling you that you're fat, take time to listen. Is it your own voice speaking the truth, or is it your mother's or your friend's criticism that you're hearing? If the voice is telling you lies, tell it to be quiet, and start telling yourself more positive things with love.
Take care of your appearance.
When we allow our appearance to slip, we give a foothold to lower self-esteem. So take time today to get a haircut, buy a new outfit, put on make-up, or have a complete make-over. When we look sharp, we feel sharp.
Learn to accept compliments.
Most of us with low self-esteem dwell on the criticisms that we receive, instead of basking in the light of compliments. Instead of discounting the next compliment you receive, smile at the giver and thank them. Then take delight in knowing that you did something well.
Stop being a perfectionist.
There is a myth that people with low self-esteem believe: if our efforts are not 100% perfect, they're a complete failure. Harsh criticism in childhood or marriage can lead to this unhealthy way of looking at our lives.
We can give ourselves a break from perfectionism by looking at our undertakings and giving ourselves a less than perfect score. Honestly assess today a project you have finished, a meal you have prepared, or a conversation you have had with someone. Would you rate it 50%, 75% or 80% successful? Nothing we do is ever 100%, because Jesus is the only human who was ever perfect.
The Hopi Indians actually wove a mistake into their blankets on purpose. Doing so reminded them that there is only One who is perfect and kept them humble about their own enterprises.
Find a bigger purpose.
When we take the focus off of ourselves and the myth that we must be perfect, we can find something to do that serves others. When we embrace a challenge, and experience success at it, our self-esteem soars.
I began leading a quilting ministry at our church two years ago. No one, including me, knew how to make quilts; but we were willing to work at learning. About 20 people got together and were able to finish nearly two dozen quilts in one day! All of the quilts were given to the local hospital to comfort terminally ill patients.
Since that time, participants in this ministry report that they enjoy much higher self-esteem than they did when we first started. With each new challenge, they experience greater success. As a result, they feel good about themselves and are willing to take on ever more challenging projects.
Start writing positive affirmations about your successes.
Yesterday, we learned that generalized positive affirmations can actually make our self-esteem worse. These statements (I am pretty, I am smart, I am good) don't work, because our brain tells us that they're lies.
Positive affirmations can work if we write them after we have achieved success. For example, if the quilters in my group wrote before they learned any skills, "I am a skillful quilter," the voices in their heads would have been saying, "No, you're not!" Their brains could not accept the statement, because it was not true.
However, after the quilters did acquire some skills, they could write, "I can cut fabric strips accurately," and the voices in their heads would agree. Reading positive affirmations about what we already do with ease causes our self-esteem to rise.
Quit magnifying things that go wrong.
When we make a mistake, we must be careful that we don't globalize it to a larger area of our lives. For example, if one of the quilters sewed a piece of fabric wrong side up, a globalized thought would be, "I ruined this quilt, therefore, I'm a worthless volunteer."
A healthier perspective on this type of mistake would lead to a statement such as, "I sewed one piece of fabric the wrong way. I can rip out the seam and fix it. My volunteer efforts are appreciated."
Develop an alternative opinion of yourself.
It's pretty clear to me that the best way to increase self-esteem is to find ways to create personally meaningful experiences. For each person, this may be something unique. One may find success in volunteering, gardening, painting, or many other undertakings.
Out of our successes, we can take greater pride in ourselves. Each time we do something of which we are proud, we can enjoy increased self-confidence. And this greater confidence gives us the courage to try ever greater challenges. As this cycle continues, our self-esteem grows.
God's Word provides the secret to higher self-esteem.
The next time someone asks you to do something, and you feel ill-equipped to perform the task, remember this line from the Bible: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
When you feel your confidence slipping, turn to God's Word. There are many encouraging verses like this one which indicate that we can overcome low self-esteem by rising up to meet new challenges. By acting on faith (not really knowing the outcome), we allow God to equip us and bring about successes that foster greater confidence.
Today's Challenge
Look in the mirror and make an honest assessment of your appearace. Do you need a haircut? Could you stand to lose some weight? Are your clothes outdated? Choose one thing that you can change today, and take that first step toward improving your appearance so that your self-esteem has a chance to grow.
Consider the true origins of low self-esteem.
Most researchers of low self-esteem go back to classic psychology, claiming that a lack of nurturing at early stages hinders our sense of self. If we understand that our parents, teachers, siblings, and childhood friends failed to provide what we needed to become confident people, we must fill in the gaps now.
If there's a voice in your head telling you that you're fat, take time to listen. Is it your own voice speaking the truth, or is it your mother's or your friend's criticism that you're hearing? If the voice is telling you lies, tell it to be quiet, and start telling yourself more positive things with love.
Take care of your appearance.
When we allow our appearance to slip, we give a foothold to lower self-esteem. So take time today to get a haircut, buy a new outfit, put on make-up, or have a complete make-over. When we look sharp, we feel sharp.
Learn to accept compliments.
Most of us with low self-esteem dwell on the criticisms that we receive, instead of basking in the light of compliments. Instead of discounting the next compliment you receive, smile at the giver and thank them. Then take delight in knowing that you did something well.
Stop being a perfectionist.
There is a myth that people with low self-esteem believe: if our efforts are not 100% perfect, they're a complete failure. Harsh criticism in childhood or marriage can lead to this unhealthy way of looking at our lives.
We can give ourselves a break from perfectionism by looking at our undertakings and giving ourselves a less than perfect score. Honestly assess today a project you have finished, a meal you have prepared, or a conversation you have had with someone. Would you rate it 50%, 75% or 80% successful? Nothing we do is ever 100%, because Jesus is the only human who was ever perfect.
The Hopi Indians actually wove a mistake into their blankets on purpose. Doing so reminded them that there is only One who is perfect and kept them humble about their own enterprises.
Find a bigger purpose.
When we take the focus off of ourselves and the myth that we must be perfect, we can find something to do that serves others. When we embrace a challenge, and experience success at it, our self-esteem soars.
I began leading a quilting ministry at our church two years ago. No one, including me, knew how to make quilts; but we were willing to work at learning. About 20 people got together and were able to finish nearly two dozen quilts in one day! All of the quilts were given to the local hospital to comfort terminally ill patients.
Since that time, participants in this ministry report that they enjoy much higher self-esteem than they did when we first started. With each new challenge, they experience greater success. As a result, they feel good about themselves and are willing to take on ever more challenging projects.
Start writing positive affirmations about your successes.
Yesterday, we learned that generalized positive affirmations can actually make our self-esteem worse. These statements (I am pretty, I am smart, I am good) don't work, because our brain tells us that they're lies.
Positive affirmations can work if we write them after we have achieved success. For example, if the quilters in my group wrote before they learned any skills, "I am a skillful quilter," the voices in their heads would have been saying, "No, you're not!" Their brains could not accept the statement, because it was not true.
However, after the quilters did acquire some skills, they could write, "I can cut fabric strips accurately," and the voices in their heads would agree. Reading positive affirmations about what we already do with ease causes our self-esteem to rise.
Quit magnifying things that go wrong.
When we make a mistake, we must be careful that we don't globalize it to a larger area of our lives. For example, if one of the quilters sewed a piece of fabric wrong side up, a globalized thought would be, "I ruined this quilt, therefore, I'm a worthless volunteer."
A healthier perspective on this type of mistake would lead to a statement such as, "I sewed one piece of fabric the wrong way. I can rip out the seam and fix it. My volunteer efforts are appreciated."
Develop an alternative opinion of yourself.
It's pretty clear to me that the best way to increase self-esteem is to find ways to create personally meaningful experiences. For each person, this may be something unique. One may find success in volunteering, gardening, painting, or many other undertakings.
Out of our successes, we can take greater pride in ourselves. Each time we do something of which we are proud, we can enjoy increased self-confidence. And this greater confidence gives us the courage to try ever greater challenges. As this cycle continues, our self-esteem grows.
God's Word provides the secret to higher self-esteem.
The next time someone asks you to do something, and you feel ill-equipped to perform the task, remember this line from the Bible: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
When you feel your confidence slipping, turn to God's Word. There are many encouraging verses like this one which indicate that we can overcome low self-esteem by rising up to meet new challenges. By acting on faith (not really knowing the outcome), we allow God to equip us and bring about successes that foster greater confidence.
Today's Challenge
Look in the mirror and make an honest assessment of your appearace. Do you need a haircut? Could you stand to lose some weight? Are your clothes outdated? Choose one thing that you can change today, and take that first step toward improving your appearance so that your self-esteem has a chance to grow.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Causes and Characteristics of Low Self-Esteem
We've identified the first three roadblocks to forgiveness as anger, fear, and mistrust. Today, we will address the fourth obstacle to forgiving: low self-esteem.
Do you suffer from low self-esteem?
Take a look at the following list of behaviors that are characteristic of people with low self-esteem. Do you recognize any of them in yourself?
*social withdrawal
*anxiety
*lack of confidence
*depression
*eating disorders
*inability to accept compliments
*inability to accurately see our own attributes
*accentuating the negative
*imagining that others think little of us
*self-neglect
*worrying about treating others unfairly
*reluctance to take on challenges
*inability to set goals
*hesitant to trust our own opinion
How did we get such low self-esteem?
If these problems sound familiar to you, you are not alone. Most survivors of childhood sexual abuse have extremely low self-esteem. We were brainwashed through abuse and criticism into believing that we were dirty, worthless, or bad.
Low self-esteem feels awful.
All people ought to feel a sense of shame and remorse when they misbehave. The Holy Spirit convicts them of their errors, and their guilt brings them back into alignment with God. When God forgives them, their shame and remorse should subside.
For survivors of abuse, the conscience is in over-drive. We feel shame, guilt, and self-reproach all the time. These feelings are not related to something wrong that we have done.
Abuse causes PTSD, a precursor to low self-esteem.
Many of us suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which causes us to have a sense that we are damaged. PTSD is characterized by many symptoms, including: depression, anxiety, heightened startle responses, hypervigilance, and low self-esteem.
Severe PTSD can cause such low self-esteem that we cannot receive love.
Being kind to survivors of severe abuse can have the opposite of the intended effect. Love can drive them away.
We adopted eight-year-old twin girls from Ethiopia. Because they had experienced multiple traumas and abuse at an early age, they were incapable of accepting love. The more we tried to love them, the harder they tried to get away. Suicide attempts became their only hope, because our love felt to them as if we were holding their heads underwater. Letting go and placing them in a group home became the best way to express our love to them.
Positive affirmations will never erase low self-esteem.
For years, educators believed that positive affirmations would cause a person's low self-esteem to rise. School administrators supported programs to increase self-esteem, which they believed would stop kids from bullying and committing crimes.
Interestingly, recent research shows that using generalized positive affirmations (I am a good person, I am smart, I am pretty, etc) can actually worsen low self-esteem. The words ring hollow to us, and our brains step up the negative statements to counteract the positive ones.
Research has also proven that those who suffer from low self-esteem rarely become bullies or hurt others. We hurt ourselves.
God loves us.
Low self-esteem really stems from a lack of self-love. Our experiences with childhood abuse robbed us of the ability to see ourselves as loveable. Even though we can't see any reason to love ourselves, God can.
Take a look at www.biblegateway.com or in your Bible's concordance for the word love. There are more passages related to God's love for us than any other word. Here are just a few examples:
For great is your love toward me. (Psalm 86:13)
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever. (Psalm 100:5)
The earth is filled with your love. (Psalm 119:64)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
If we suffer from low self-esteem, we may find ourselves running from God's love, just as our adopted twins ran from us. If we can stop fleeing, we can experience the fullness of God's love and the love of our fellow human beings.
High self-esteem makes it easier for us to forgive.
According to research conducted in 2006 (Eaton, Struthers & Santelli), people with high self-esteem can forgive more easily than people with low self-esteem. Although generalized positive affirmations cannot boost our self-esteem so that we can forgive, there are some other simple techniques that can help us. Tomorrow, we will learn how some simple lifestyle changes can allow us to develop an alternative opinion of ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and make a list of the people or situations that make you feel ashamed or guilty. Are these feelings warranted because you did something wrong; or are they just a way of life for you?
Do you suffer from low self-esteem?
Take a look at the following list of behaviors that are characteristic of people with low self-esteem. Do you recognize any of them in yourself?
*social withdrawal
*anxiety
*lack of confidence
*depression
*eating disorders
*inability to accept compliments
*inability to accurately see our own attributes
*accentuating the negative
*imagining that others think little of us
*self-neglect
*worrying about treating others unfairly
*reluctance to take on challenges
*inability to set goals
*hesitant to trust our own opinion
How did we get such low self-esteem?
If these problems sound familiar to you, you are not alone. Most survivors of childhood sexual abuse have extremely low self-esteem. We were brainwashed through abuse and criticism into believing that we were dirty, worthless, or bad.
Low self-esteem feels awful.
All people ought to feel a sense of shame and remorse when they misbehave. The Holy Spirit convicts them of their errors, and their guilt brings them back into alignment with God. When God forgives them, their shame and remorse should subside.
For survivors of abuse, the conscience is in over-drive. We feel shame, guilt, and self-reproach all the time. These feelings are not related to something wrong that we have done.
Abuse causes PTSD, a precursor to low self-esteem.
Many of us suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which causes us to have a sense that we are damaged. PTSD is characterized by many symptoms, including: depression, anxiety, heightened startle responses, hypervigilance, and low self-esteem.
Severe PTSD can cause such low self-esteem that we cannot receive love.
Being kind to survivors of severe abuse can have the opposite of the intended effect. Love can drive them away.
We adopted eight-year-old twin girls from Ethiopia. Because they had experienced multiple traumas and abuse at an early age, they were incapable of accepting love. The more we tried to love them, the harder they tried to get away. Suicide attempts became their only hope, because our love felt to them as if we were holding their heads underwater. Letting go and placing them in a group home became the best way to express our love to them.
Positive affirmations will never erase low self-esteem.
For years, educators believed that positive affirmations would cause a person's low self-esteem to rise. School administrators supported programs to increase self-esteem, which they believed would stop kids from bullying and committing crimes.
Interestingly, recent research shows that using generalized positive affirmations (I am a good person, I am smart, I am pretty, etc) can actually worsen low self-esteem. The words ring hollow to us, and our brains step up the negative statements to counteract the positive ones.
Research has also proven that those who suffer from low self-esteem rarely become bullies or hurt others. We hurt ourselves.
God loves us.
Low self-esteem really stems from a lack of self-love. Our experiences with childhood abuse robbed us of the ability to see ourselves as loveable. Even though we can't see any reason to love ourselves, God can.
Take a look at www.biblegateway.com or in your Bible's concordance for the word love. There are more passages related to God's love for us than any other word. Here are just a few examples:
For great is your love toward me. (Psalm 86:13)
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever. (Psalm 100:5)
The earth is filled with your love. (Psalm 119:64)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
If we suffer from low self-esteem, we may find ourselves running from God's love, just as our adopted twins ran from us. If we can stop fleeing, we can experience the fullness of God's love and the love of our fellow human beings.
High self-esteem makes it easier for us to forgive.
According to research conducted in 2006 (Eaton, Struthers & Santelli), people with high self-esteem can forgive more easily than people with low self-esteem. Although generalized positive affirmations cannot boost our self-esteem so that we can forgive, there are some other simple techniques that can help us. Tomorrow, we will learn how some simple lifestyle changes can allow us to develop an alternative opinion of ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and make a list of the people or situations that make you feel ashamed or guilty. Are these feelings warranted because you did something wrong; or are they just a way of life for you?
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