War in God's Holy Temple

My dad waits in jail to be tried for sex crimes committed against one of several children in our family. No one who knows my father can comprehend how this could have happened. For years, he has been an elder in the church, a leader in a civic organization, and the type of man everyone in town admires. A woman once said to me, "Your dad is just a big, lovable teddy bear."

Incest is a terrible sin. Innocent children trust the adults in their lives to love and nurture them. When someone we love suddenly commits such an awful act against us, our minds become confused. Love and sexual abuse should not go together. Statistics, however, reveal that they often do. One out of four girls and one out of six boys is sexually molested at some point during their childhood. Most of their perpetrators are people within their own families.

When someone we have always viewed as good is suddenly exposed as evil, it shakes our faith in God and our confidence in our earthly parents and community leaders. As survivors, it creates so much inner turmoil that we can barely stand to breathe at times. Whom can we trust? What can we believe?

Lately, I have found some answers to these questions in 2nd Corinthians 6:14-16a. The Message translation of this passage reads:

Don't become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That's not partnership; that's war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God's holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are, each of us a temple in whom God lives.

If we are Christians, striving to live in the light of God's love, we cannot remain partners with people who reject God. Adults who force children into sexual acts are people who reject God's laws and his love. Their actions are wrong. This is why we feel a war waging in our spirits after we have experienced sexual abuse. And if the people who molest us are adults who are supposed to protect and nurture us, we find ourselves fighting a battle of incredible magnitude. God commands us to honor our parents. How can we, when they dishonor us?

My body is a holy temple, a place where God lives. As a child, I may have little or no control over adults who tell me lies and threaten me so that they can molest my body. However, if I grow up and learn that abuse is wrong and allow someone to continue hurting me sexually or emotionally, I am giving Satan permission to set up house together with God. If you want to experience a war of unbelievable proportions, try living in a temple where God is doing battle with Satan. The agony of living in such a place is unbearable. For many, including me, it has caused depression, relationship difficulties, suicidal thoughts, pain, and illness.

When people experience war in their country, they find relief at times by relocating elsewhere. When the war we are experiencing is going on inside of our bodies, minds, and souls, there is no place for us to find safety. Wherever we go, the battle goes with us.

The worst part of this battle lies in trying to forgive. There are many places in the Bible where God calls us to forgive people who hurt us. I agree that this is a wise practice. But in the case of incest, this is combat between God and Satan that goes far beyond my own strength. I cannot just wave a white flag and say that I have forgiven my father. Instantly forgiving my mother for failing to protect me and other children in her care is an equally impossible task. Trying to minimize the emotional abandonment caused by incest would be as foolish as standing up between lines of clashing armies firing machine guns at each other.

It is ludicrous for people to tell me to just forget what happened and get on with my life. The work of remembering for the sake of keeping myself safe from future harm, as well as the subsequent forgiving, can only be done through the power of the Holy Spirit. Forgiveness for incest happens over a very, very long period of time. The only thing I can do in the midst of this war is to tell God that I am willing to work at forgiving people who have wounded me. With God's help, I can love my perpetrator from a distance, and I can pray for his reconciliation with the Lord.

Others who have not been victimized cannot understand why we as survivors are unwilling to reconnect with our abusers who also happen to be our relatives. What most of these people don't comprehend is that while God does call us to forgive, he does not expect us to force ourselves to remain in a relationship with people who have committed such evil acts against us. God's Word asks us, "Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God's holy Temple?" For us, healing comes more quickly when we put ourselves at a safe distance from people who have harmed us this deeply.

Sometimes, people who are inexperienced in working with sexual abuse victims can cause further harm by trying to 'help' us to quickly forgive and forget. We may need to distance ourselves from such helpers for a time, at least until they come to understand that their attempts to fix us are hurting us more.

At other times, members of our own family may try to quickly force things to appear normal. Their shame over the incest leads them to say and do things so that they can pretend it never happened. We cannot allow their need for instant normalcy to distract us from the slow recovery process required for complete healing. Rushing the healing of incest would be as ridiculous as asking a person whose legs have been blown off in combat to stand up and walk. Sexual abuse and combat injuries take a long time to mend and require special care.

This situation with my dad has torn our family apart. I have had to step back and assess what I can do as the battle rages on between God and Satan. I have prayed for discernment so that I can clearly see what is of God and what is from the pit of hell. Often, I return to the Bible so that I will understand how God defines good and evil. As much as possible, I have surrounded myself with true Christians whose lives reflect the love of Christ. For a time, I have distanced myself from people whose 'helpful' actions have only served to hurt me more.

In spite of this war between the Light of the World and the forces of darkness, I have great hope. Because the God that lives within me is much more powerful than the evil that walks in this world. Philippians 4:16 (NIV) reminds me, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” In time, I know that I will find healing as the Holy Spirit works in my heart, mind, and soul to restore me fully. When the war is won, I believe that God will use me in a mighty way to bring good out of a battle that Satan meant for evil.

Scaling Your Own Mt. Everest of Change

Mountain climbers dream of scaling Mt. Everest, one of the world's most formidable peaks. They see this adventure as the ultimate challenge. Preparing for their ascent requires years of grueling practice with others who have gone ahead of them, building strength, improving techniques, and locating the best equipment.

As survivors of incest or sexual abuse, we've got to push onward and upward if we want to scale our own Mt. Everest of change. The final challenge means we must replace obsolete, fearful thoughts with healthier ones. With the help of our guide, good self-care, and plenty of practice, we can develop this skill so that even the most daunting changes can be made successfully.

Replacing fearful thoughts with healthier ones is known as cognitive restructuring. It is a simple therapeutic technique that involves:

1. recognizing unhealthy thoughts,
2. re-framing past experiences with healthier self-talk based on present truths,
3. and encouraging ourselves to keep moving forward.

Here's an example of what cognitive restructuring would look like for me. As a result of abuse, I previously wrote that I have always been afraid to wash my face or take a shower. My mind has been programmed to think, "Whenever I close my eyes and immerse my face in water, I get abused." My body constantly responded by ramping up adrenalin production and increasing my heart rate in preparation for fight or flight. Even the slightest noise made me gasp and whirl around in fright, preparing to face my perpetrator.


If I want to change, I need to replace those fearful thoughts with something healthier, such as, "In the past, I got hurt when I closed my eyes and immersed my face in water. Today, I am safe in my bathroom. I can relax and enjoy the warmth of the water and the pleasant scent of the soap." At first, I will need to remind myself repeatedly that I am okay. I might simply repeat aloud throughout the bathing process, "I am safe." In time, these new thoughts will communicate to my body that I am safe. With the re-programming of my mind, the adverse physical reactions will eventually end.


With our guide's help and plenty of practice, we can become well-outfitted for the task of changing our lives through positive self-talk. For survivors, these first steps can feel as difficult as climbing Everest. However, when we begin to successfully make small changes, it feels as if we have put on climbing shoes that give our emotional footsteps some traction on those slippery slopes. And when we scale the peak of major change, our new skills can also bring about the most exhilarating feelings of success that we have ever experienced.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing, and perfect will." (Romans 12:2)

Preparing for Change

Most people agree that change can be difficult. For survivors of incest, abuse, or trauma, change can feel like climbing an icy mountain, wearing smooth-soled shoes. How can we break free from this slippery slope?


Preparing for change can be compared to a hike up a slippery mountainside. I see it as a three-step challenge.


First, when gearing up for change, think about how you might make your way up the icy inclines of a tall mountain. Hopefully, your highest priority would be to find a knowledgable guide. As you consider changing habits, look for someone with plenty of first-hand experience who has proven that he or she has successfully led others to their destination. A qualified psychologist, minister, chaplain, or family counselor who is well-versed in treating survivors of abuse and trauma would be an excellent pick. If you're a victim of incest, be doubly sure to find a guide with plenty of experience and understanding.


Once a reliable guide has been located, a climber's second step would probably center around acquiring protective equipment to ward off the dangers of frost-bite and fatigue. During the change process, trauma and abuse survivors must protect their bodies from stress. Sleeping regularly, eating nutritious foods, and exercising can prepare us for what lies ahead. Knowing when we've had enough and need to temporarily back away from the change is also a critical part of self-care.


Before a climber tackles the highest mountains, he or she first builds up strength on less imposing slopes. Don't try to tackle your biggest challenge first. Start with a small change, and work your way upward. Exercise your emotional muscles with the help of your guide before you tackle tough situations. For instance, if you're trying to stand up for yourself against someone who tends to push you around, start by role-playing in your therapist's office before confronting the bully face-to-face.


What mountains of change have you been trying to climb by yourself? Have you found a guide to help you? Are you practicing good habits of self-care to prepare yourself for the journey? Can you tackle smaller changes first? Think about your most challenging fears that are preventing you from reaching your pinnacle of success. Next time, I'll share some simple techniques to help you reach your goal.


"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you cay say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
(Matthew 17:20-21)

Change Can Be Difficult

Most people hate change. It means they have to push themselves outside of comfortable routines to learn or do something less comfortable.

Some changes can be made without too much fuss, such as breaking in a new pair of shoes. We miss the old, comfortable footwear that allowed us to shlep along without tripping. However, we're willing to make the change because we look so darned good in the new shoes.

Other changes, unfortunately, are not so easy. Interviewing for a new job, moving to a different house, giving up cigarettes, or trying to lose weight can leave us feeling tense and drained.

At times, the mere thought of change leaves us feeling so paralyzed, that we wind up doing nothing. Even though we know that the change would be helpful, we just can't force ourselves to do it.

For those of us who are survivors of incest, abuse, or some other traumatic event, change can be downright terrifying. We cling to familiar routines, because they help us to feel that we are in control.

There are times when sticking with a routine can stabilize a life that is spiraling out of control. During my first marriage to a man who could turn any ordinary day into a chaotic mess, I made sure that my children and I ate dinner at the same time every night. This simple habit helped all of us to feel that at least one thing in our lives was predictable.

On the flip side, there are routines that we may be clutching to that are not exactly serving their purpose any longer. For example, I used to lock the bathroom door whenever I bent over the sink to wash my face at night. I always felt terrified that someone was going to sneak up on me and hurt me. I know that this habit grew out of a need to feel safe. As a victim of both incest and marital abuse, I always felt a need to watch my back.

Today, I do not need to lock the bathroom door, because my second husband, Joe, is a gentle man who would never dream of hurting me. However, I'm still clinging to an old habit that is pretty ridiculous. Last night, I called Joe as he was driving home to tell him that I was about to get into the shower. I needed to tell him not to startle me in case he came home while I had my head under the water. Before I stepped into the shower, I locked the door.

Are there habits that you're holding on to, because they served a purpose in an unsafe relationship that no longer exists? Share them here, and next time, I'll write about how to re-program the thoughts that keep us returning to outdated behaviors.