Last night, little ghosts and goblins were visiting my front porch, with the hope of walking away with their favorite treats. This is my last post on Blogger, because I have a new blog on my website at cheryldenton.com. So I’d like to give you a different kind of treat…a scary scene from my upcoming novel, Among the Ashes…
Sophie left, and Oona pulled up a chair in front of the records file cabinets. She was on the ninth drawer when she heard the back door open and bang shut. Who would be coming in at this hour?
Swiftly, she shoved the notebook into her purse and stepped into a gap between the filing cabinets and the wall. For once, she was glad that she was so small. She held her breath and listened. Her ear drums felt as if they were swelling with the effort.
She heard footsteps on the stairs, and then someone closed the filing cabinet drawer she had left open. From where she stood, it was impossible to see who was there, without giving herself away. She waited, praying for invisibility. And then, the footsteps retreated up the stairway, and the lights went off. She blinked in an effort to see in the dark.
Oona stood there with her heart pounding in her ears, wondering who had come in. Must have been the janitor, she finally decided. He lived next door, and he probably saw the light on in the basement. She heaved a sigh of relief. “Nothing to worry about,” she said to herself.
The light switch was at the top of the stairs, and there was no way she could continue working on the list without going back up and turning on the lights. The lights would alert the janitor again that someone was down there, and she preferred to let him think that he had simply forgotten to turn off the lights when he left. She decided it was best to just go home and resume in the morning.
She walked forward and bumped into something. She gasped and then reached forward with both hands. When she realized that it was just the janitor’s broom collection, she let her breath out in a whoosh. Slowly, she shuffled to the bottom of the stairs. When she had a firm grip on the handrail, she hurried up the steps and pushed open the back door.
In the next instant, a hand came over her mouth. A strong arm dragged her back inside. Oona struggled to free herself. The door banged shut.
A voice in her ear whispered, “You know, Oona, it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.”
***
What do you think will happen to Oona? Find out how she and other characters cope with the challenges of trauma, deceit, and betrayal. Among the Ashes will be available in paperback on November 19 at cheryldenton.com. An ebook version can be purchased now through Amazon.com, Barnes&Noble.com, and Smashwords.com.
Happy All Saints Day!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Dissociation Disrupts Our Lives
Dissociation may occur during abuse or trauma. When our world gets turned upside down, and we feel that we may crack if things get any worse, we dissociate ourselves from the moment. For example, during sexual assault, we may separate our thoughts from our bodies. We take ourselves mentally to another place so that we don't feel the physical and emotional pain of the moment.
We may later use dissociation to block out the memories of painful events or to numb our feelings long after the traumatic event is over. Dissociation protected our minds when we were trying to live with horrific circumstances. However, if we continue to use it as a means to forget the trauma or to avoid the strong feelings connected to the event, we may never recover.
Dissociation takes many forms. We may numb ourselves to all emotions or keep our distance from most people. Or we may dissociate from our feelings and memories by becoming hyper-involved in some activity.
We may over-work, talk incessantly, clean the house constantly, or jump into one volunteer activity after another. Remaining engaged perpetually in something that requires intense concentration prevents us from thinking about the pain of our past. It also leaves us feeling so physically and mentally exhausted that we can't work on recovery.
As a teacher, many of my students who were diagnosed with ADHD were experiencing abuse at home. All three of my children were misdiagnosed with ADHD, when, in fact, they were suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of abuse. PTSD symptoms look an awful lot like the ones associated with ADHD.
Do you consider yourself inattentive or hyperactive? Is it possible that these are symptoms of the dissociation which is common in survivors with PTSD? What memories or feelings might you be avoiding? If you think you may be dissociating months or years after a trauma, find a qualifed therapist to help you learn how to safely get back in touch with your feelings and memories.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him...Psalm 37:7a
We may later use dissociation to block out the memories of painful events or to numb our feelings long after the traumatic event is over. Dissociation protected our minds when we were trying to live with horrific circumstances. However, if we continue to use it as a means to forget the trauma or to avoid the strong feelings connected to the event, we may never recover.
Dissociation takes many forms. We may numb ourselves to all emotions or keep our distance from most people. Or we may dissociate from our feelings and memories by becoming hyper-involved in some activity.
We may over-work, talk incessantly, clean the house constantly, or jump into one volunteer activity after another. Remaining engaged perpetually in something that requires intense concentration prevents us from thinking about the pain of our past. It also leaves us feeling so physically and mentally exhausted that we can't work on recovery.
As a teacher, many of my students who were diagnosed with ADHD were experiencing abuse at home. All three of my children were misdiagnosed with ADHD, when, in fact, they were suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of abuse. PTSD symptoms look an awful lot like the ones associated with ADHD.
Do you consider yourself inattentive or hyperactive? Is it possible that these are symptoms of the dissociation which is common in survivors with PTSD? What memories or feelings might you be avoiding? If you think you may be dissociating months or years after a trauma, find a qualifed therapist to help you learn how to safely get back in touch with your feelings and memories.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him...Psalm 37:7a
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Are You Lonely?
Trauma survivors often feel lonely, even when surrounded by people. We frequently feel alienated, angry, or suspicious of others. Avoiding relationships is often the only way we know how to repress the triggers that might lead to rage, depression, or hopelessness. Many of us believe that our trauma shows, even though there are no outward signs of it.
I avoided social situations for decades, because I didn't know how to relate to others who hadn't experienced abuse or trauma. What would I talk about? I was so busy protecting myself from further abuse that I couldn't possibly read the newspaper or keep up with current trends.
I was afraid that if I did open my mouth, I would say something that would make others uncomfortable. When I did share some of my experiences with them, they looked horrified and then either edged away from me or took pity on me. Both reactions were devastating.
I got to the point where I was terrified of what might come out of my own mouth. If I did say something, even something appropriate, I instantly felt like fleeing from the room.
Watching others talking and laughing often made me feel as if I were standing on the outside of life, looking in. I wanted to participate, but I didn't know how. Their laughter often served as a trigger to remind me that when the social hour ended, I would have to go back to a world they would never understand.
I know now that it's important for survivors of abuse and trauma to talk to someone they trust. Doing so helps to relieve us of the burden of shame and sense of alienation that we've been carrying around for so long. When we've released some of our pain, we make room in our souls for something better.
Most of us will probably never be as sociable as we were before our trauma. Forcing ourselves to mingle in crowds where we feel panic, rage, suspicion, or depression only sets us back in our recovery process. So, we have to figure out how much interaction we can tolerate, and then engage in relationships where we feel safe.
God blessed me with a loving husband who always tries to make me feel safe. He's not always successful, but it's rarely his fault. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, PTSD rears up its ugly head to bite us again.
With Joe's help and the love of a few close friends, I have slowly progressed from feeling terrified in a room full of people to feeling in control of my emotions. When I start getting overwhelmed, I politely excuse myself. If I feel at ease, I thank God for bringing me into this inner circle that feels like family should have.
God sets the lonely in families,
he leads forth the prisoners with singing.
--Psalm 68:6a (NIV)
I avoided social situations for decades, because I didn't know how to relate to others who hadn't experienced abuse or trauma. What would I talk about? I was so busy protecting myself from further abuse that I couldn't possibly read the newspaper or keep up with current trends.
I was afraid that if I did open my mouth, I would say something that would make others uncomfortable. When I did share some of my experiences with them, they looked horrified and then either edged away from me or took pity on me. Both reactions were devastating.
I got to the point where I was terrified of what might come out of my own mouth. If I did say something, even something appropriate, I instantly felt like fleeing from the room.
Watching others talking and laughing often made me feel as if I were standing on the outside of life, looking in. I wanted to participate, but I didn't know how. Their laughter often served as a trigger to remind me that when the social hour ended, I would have to go back to a world they would never understand.
I know now that it's important for survivors of abuse and trauma to talk to someone they trust. Doing so helps to relieve us of the burden of shame and sense of alienation that we've been carrying around for so long. When we've released some of our pain, we make room in our souls for something better.
Most of us will probably never be as sociable as we were before our trauma. Forcing ourselves to mingle in crowds where we feel panic, rage, suspicion, or depression only sets us back in our recovery process. So, we have to figure out how much interaction we can tolerate, and then engage in relationships where we feel safe.
God blessed me with a loving husband who always tries to make me feel safe. He's not always successful, but it's rarely his fault. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, PTSD rears up its ugly head to bite us again.
With Joe's help and the love of a few close friends, I have slowly progressed from feeling terrified in a room full of people to feeling in control of my emotions. When I start getting overwhelmed, I politely excuse myself. If I feel at ease, I thank God for bringing me into this inner circle that feels like family should have.
God sets the lonely in families,
he leads forth the prisoners with singing.
--Psalm 68:6a (NIV)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Are You Leading a Double Life?
As abuse and trauma survivors, we frequently find ourselves living in two different worlds. While we go about our daily lives, our minds unexpectedly take us back to the moment of trauma. I used to feel as if I were losing my mind, but now I know that this double life is often the norm for people with PTSD.
I experience this dual existence every day. It usually occurs when I'm doing something mindless, such as laundry or dishes. The triggers that send me back to thoughts of the past come in many forms...a song on the radio, the peach I'm peeling, a phone call from a family member, an old photograph, or anything else that reminds me of past trauma.
Even a pleasant memory can trigger feelings of depression and helplessness. Joe and I were listening to big band on the radio this morning. The words reminded me of a phrase my former mother-in-law used to say. She was very kind to me, and I loved her very much. But thoughts of her inevitably led me to memories of my ex-husband. In an instant, I was reliving the overwhelming sense of helplessness that occurs in abusive relationships.
I experienced significant, ongoing abuse for the first 40 years of my life. For me, triggers are everywhere. I can't avoid them, but I can manage them. When I come back to my present life from those intrusive memories, I have to remind myself that I am safe now. It's important for me to keep my mind engaged in the present with activities that require concentration.
Spending too much time alone with nothing to do is not good for me. Solitude and boredom are fertile ground where triggers grow out of proportion. Staying involved in projects and focusing on the blessings God has given me are helpful methods for rooting myself in my present reality.
Are you living a double life? If memories are intruding and causing problems with daily activities and relationships, consider talking with a qualified therapist who can help you manage the pain of your past.
I experience this dual existence every day. It usually occurs when I'm doing something mindless, such as laundry or dishes. The triggers that send me back to thoughts of the past come in many forms...a song on the radio, the peach I'm peeling, a phone call from a family member, an old photograph, or anything else that reminds me of past trauma.
Even a pleasant memory can trigger feelings of depression and helplessness. Joe and I were listening to big band on the radio this morning. The words reminded me of a phrase my former mother-in-law used to say. She was very kind to me, and I loved her very much. But thoughts of her inevitably led me to memories of my ex-husband. In an instant, I was reliving the overwhelming sense of helplessness that occurs in abusive relationships.
I experienced significant, ongoing abuse for the first 40 years of my life. For me, triggers are everywhere. I can't avoid them, but I can manage them. When I come back to my present life from those intrusive memories, I have to remind myself that I am safe now. It's important for me to keep my mind engaged in the present with activities that require concentration.
Spending too much time alone with nothing to do is not good for me. Solitude and boredom are fertile ground where triggers grow out of proportion. Staying involved in projects and focusing on the blessings God has given me are helpful methods for rooting myself in my present reality.
Are you living a double life? If memories are intruding and causing problems with daily activities and relationships, consider talking with a qualified therapist who can help you manage the pain of your past.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Remembering 9-11
Where were you on September 11, 2001? I was in the doctor's office. His receptionist burst into the room, exclaiming, "New York is under attack!"
The doctor said calmly, "I'm trying to work here. Go back to your desk."
It took time for the terrorist attacks to sink in...for the doctor, for me, and for many others. But in time, we all realized the seriousness of what was happening.
Ten years has passed, and I wonder how many people are still suffering from PTSD as a result of the attack on the twin towers. I also wonder if they will ever find relief from the depression and anxiety that go hand-in-hand with trauma.
Send me a comment and let me know how 9-11 changed your perception of your safety in our world. If you've found ways to deal with the PTSD that resulted, share them with me.
The doctor said calmly, "I'm trying to work here. Go back to your desk."
It took time for the terrorist attacks to sink in...for the doctor, for me, and for many others. But in time, we all realized the seriousness of what was happening.
Ten years has passed, and I wonder how many people are still suffering from PTSD as a result of the attack on the twin towers. I also wonder if they will ever find relief from the depression and anxiety that go hand-in-hand with trauma.
Send me a comment and let me know how 9-11 changed your perception of your safety in our world. If you've found ways to deal with the PTSD that resulted, share them with me.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Never Put Anyone on a Pedestal
I frequently hear from readers and acquaintances that I seem to be incredibly strong, in spite of the pain of my past. The trouble with viewing me as if I belong on a pedestal, is that I can tumble from that place as quickly as anyone else can. Never put anyone on a pedestal. I guarantee you'll eventually be disappointed. No one is perfect.
Last Tuesday, I completely lost it and couldn't stop crying. My problems felt unsolvable, and everywhere I turned, I thought I was seeing my abuser...a man in a restaurant, another in a store, and so on. Life felt so completely overwhelming and hopeless, I wanted to die.
On Wednesday morning, Joe took me to the emergency room. The doctor admitted me to the psychiatric unit, where I was diagnosed with PTSD and 'major depression,' which in old-fashioned terms means a nervous breakdown.
Thank God for Joe and his position at the hospital as chaplain. He was able to come up and visit me every few hours.
I spent three days in the hospital, and I've been home now for three days. I feel like a zombie. The doctor put me on a medication designed to treat depression, anxiety, and neuropathic pain. The pain relief from MS has been great, but I'm so tired and dizzy, I just sleep constantly. Hopefully, my body will adjust to the medication.
I'll be seeing a therapist, beginning tomorrow, as well as a psychiatrist, probably for a very long time. When the staff at the hospital looked at all the 'challenging life events' that I've survived, they were very empathetic. They were surprised I hadn't cracked before now. Apparently, when big events occur, such as childhood sexual abuse, we are supposed to get ourselves into psychiatric-based therapy PDQ. If we don't, we eventually lose it, as I did.
Needless to say, the three days in the psych unit were interesting. From the guy screaming obscenities in the room next door to Nurse Ratchet to the drunks and addicts in detox, I got an education in mental un-health.
On the up side, I've got an outline for a suspense novel about a twisted mental hospital that turns homeless patients into slaves. Now you know how I can come up with the plot lines in my novels about crazy people. We write what we know. HaHa.
I'm feeling very fragile, so if my posts are sporadic, I hope you'll understand, dear reader. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.
Today's Challenge
If you're suffering from the depression and/or anxiety that go hand-in-hand with childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or trauma, please consider finding a qualified psychiatrist and therapist. Don't be ashamed of mental illness. It must be treated, just as any other ailment that debilitates us.
Last Tuesday, I completely lost it and couldn't stop crying. My problems felt unsolvable, and everywhere I turned, I thought I was seeing my abuser...a man in a restaurant, another in a store, and so on. Life felt so completely overwhelming and hopeless, I wanted to die.
On Wednesday morning, Joe took me to the emergency room. The doctor admitted me to the psychiatric unit, where I was diagnosed with PTSD and 'major depression,' which in old-fashioned terms means a nervous breakdown.
Thank God for Joe and his position at the hospital as chaplain. He was able to come up and visit me every few hours.
I spent three days in the hospital, and I've been home now for three days. I feel like a zombie. The doctor put me on a medication designed to treat depression, anxiety, and neuropathic pain. The pain relief from MS has been great, but I'm so tired and dizzy, I just sleep constantly. Hopefully, my body will adjust to the medication.
I'll be seeing a therapist, beginning tomorrow, as well as a psychiatrist, probably for a very long time. When the staff at the hospital looked at all the 'challenging life events' that I've survived, they were very empathetic. They were surprised I hadn't cracked before now. Apparently, when big events occur, such as childhood sexual abuse, we are supposed to get ourselves into psychiatric-based therapy PDQ. If we don't, we eventually lose it, as I did.
Needless to say, the three days in the psych unit were interesting. From the guy screaming obscenities in the room next door to Nurse Ratchet to the drunks and addicts in detox, I got an education in mental un-health.
On the up side, I've got an outline for a suspense novel about a twisted mental hospital that turns homeless patients into slaves. Now you know how I can come up with the plot lines in my novels about crazy people. We write what we know. HaHa.
I'm feeling very fragile, so if my posts are sporadic, I hope you'll understand, dear reader. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.
Today's Challenge
If you're suffering from the depression and/or anxiety that go hand-in-hand with childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or trauma, please consider finding a qualified psychiatrist and therapist. Don't be ashamed of mental illness. It must be treated, just as any other ailment that debilitates us.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Take a Leap of Faith
We continue with my series, Confident in God's Hands, to help survivors of abuse and trauma develop greater courage. Today, we look at what it means to take a leap of faith.
A splat or a flight?
After my divorce, I met with a Stephen Minister each week. She listened patiently as I told her about how it felt to be a single mother, struggling to discover my purpose.
When we are being abused, someone else is always telling us what to do. After we've left the abuse behind, we may discover that we don't know anymore who we are. Our individuality has been beaten or berated out of us, and the only thing we know is confusion.
After leaving my first husband, I can remember making the decision to buy myself a nightgown of my own choosing for the first time in nearly 20 years. I went to a department store and combed through the racks. I was determined that I would never buy anything that reminded me of the sleezy night-time attire that my abuser had demanded I wear.
But after an hour of searching, I stood in the midst of thousands of nightgowns and burst into tears. There was nothing there that suited me, and I knew it wasn't because there was a lack of variety. My inability to choose came from the realization that I didn't know who I was or what I liked anymore. The abuse had depersonalized me to such an extent, I had no evidence of my former self remaining.
As I told my Stephen Minister my tale of woe, I said, "I feel as if I jumped off a cliff when I left the abuse behind, and I'm about to splat on the rocks below."
With great wisdom and enthusiasm for God's ability to turn around the most hopeless situation, she asked, "How about imagining that you just jumped off that cliff, and God has given you wings to fly?"
At the time, I was so depressed, I had no response for her. So many terrible things had happened to me that I had just about given up believing that God was real. I hadn't been to church in months. I could barely drag myself out of bed in the morning, and I wasn't sure I could ever find my way out of the mess I had created. But this woman got me thinking. Could God really help me fly again?
I decided in the following days that the only way to discover if I had wings was to test them. So, I bought a newspaper, looked through the classified ads, and circled several jobs that I thought I could do. Within an hour, I had an interview scheduled. The next day, I had a job as a file clerk, working for a temp agency.
After just a few weeks on the job, a man recognized my potential and arranged for an interview with the advertising department. The following Monday morning, I went back to work, not as a file clerk, but as a writer. And the rest, they say, is history.
I often reflect back on that time in my life when I felt as if my leap of faith was about to end in a nasty splat. But I discovered that even when we have no idea where we're going to land, if we dare to spread our wings and fly, God puts the wind beneath our wings.
Isaiah 40:31 (NIV) reminds us, But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. When we trust in God to show us the way and to provide for us along that path, we find that we are able to do the impossible.
And when we dare to fly again, God's provision for all of our needs gives us the confidence to take another flight, and another, and another. Suddenly, we find ourselves soaring through life, wondering why we ever doubted ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Are you terrified of taking that leap of faith and testing your wings? Are past hurts keeping you grounded? Nudge yourself out of the comfort of your familiar nest, and try out your wings again. God promises to provide the wind beneath your wings.
A splat or a flight?
After my divorce, I met with a Stephen Minister each week. She listened patiently as I told her about how it felt to be a single mother, struggling to discover my purpose.
When we are being abused, someone else is always telling us what to do. After we've left the abuse behind, we may discover that we don't know anymore who we are. Our individuality has been beaten or berated out of us, and the only thing we know is confusion.
After leaving my first husband, I can remember making the decision to buy myself a nightgown of my own choosing for the first time in nearly 20 years. I went to a department store and combed through the racks. I was determined that I would never buy anything that reminded me of the sleezy night-time attire that my abuser had demanded I wear.
But after an hour of searching, I stood in the midst of thousands of nightgowns and burst into tears. There was nothing there that suited me, and I knew it wasn't because there was a lack of variety. My inability to choose came from the realization that I didn't know who I was or what I liked anymore. The abuse had depersonalized me to such an extent, I had no evidence of my former self remaining.
As I told my Stephen Minister my tale of woe, I said, "I feel as if I jumped off a cliff when I left the abuse behind, and I'm about to splat on the rocks below."
With great wisdom and enthusiasm for God's ability to turn around the most hopeless situation, she asked, "How about imagining that you just jumped off that cliff, and God has given you wings to fly?"
At the time, I was so depressed, I had no response for her. So many terrible things had happened to me that I had just about given up believing that God was real. I hadn't been to church in months. I could barely drag myself out of bed in the morning, and I wasn't sure I could ever find my way out of the mess I had created. But this woman got me thinking. Could God really help me fly again?
I decided in the following days that the only way to discover if I had wings was to test them. So, I bought a newspaper, looked through the classified ads, and circled several jobs that I thought I could do. Within an hour, I had an interview scheduled. The next day, I had a job as a file clerk, working for a temp agency.
After just a few weeks on the job, a man recognized my potential and arranged for an interview with the advertising department. The following Monday morning, I went back to work, not as a file clerk, but as a writer. And the rest, they say, is history.
I often reflect back on that time in my life when I felt as if my leap of faith was about to end in a nasty splat. But I discovered that even when we have no idea where we're going to land, if we dare to spread our wings and fly, God puts the wind beneath our wings.
Isaiah 40:31 (NIV) reminds us, But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. When we trust in God to show us the way and to provide for us along that path, we find that we are able to do the impossible.
And when we dare to fly again, God's provision for all of our needs gives us the confidence to take another flight, and another, and another. Suddenly, we find ourselves soaring through life, wondering why we ever doubted ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Are you terrified of taking that leap of faith and testing your wings? Are past hurts keeping you grounded? Nudge yourself out of the comfort of your familiar nest, and try out your wings again. God promises to provide the wind beneath your wings.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Following Jesus Should be Our Highest Goal
During my series, Confident in God's Hands, I've given you a lot of tips about how to become more courageous after suffering from abuse or trauma. Hopefully, these ideas have been helpful to you. I know that writing them for you has helped me to feel more confident. We're about midway through the series, and I'd like to pause to reflect on an important point.
Along the way, I have discovered something that I wasn't expecting. We may set big goals and make plans to achieve them. We may have dreams in our hearts that we desperately want to make real. But in the end, our highest goal has to be a real relationship with Jesus.
Unless the Christ is enough for us, we will never feel fulfilled. We've got to get to the point where it doesn't matter if we've got a great job, lots of money, a nice house, a sleek new car, a loving partner, or anything else we think we have to have. When we place too much emphasis on our worldly achievements, Jesus takes a back seat along the way. And that's not where he wants to be.
Jesus wants to be in the driver's seat, with us right beside him. Above all things, he wants us to want him more than anything else. Finding a way to get close to him is our greatest challenge. And when we find him, he will be our greatest prize.
Let me say that again. Jesus must be the goal we are aiming for first and foremost. Just sitting in his presence and praising him for his love must give us total satisfaction. If it doesn't, we've got our priorities out of order.
I'm not saying that we can't have other dreams. We certainly can't sit around all day, just grinning from ear to ear because we're close to Jesus. He put us all here to do things. But we have to remember that he wants our complete love and attention 24/7. He wants us to be content with him first. Then, when other dreams get fulfilled, we can feel extra blessed.
We run into trouble when we put our dreams first. When they don't get fulfilled, we get angry at Jesus for failing us. We rail at him for letting us down, over and over. The sad truth is that we're failing him when we act like this.
We may discover in the process of chasing after dreams that we are spoiled rotten children. God our father doesn't want us to just demand baubles and cookies and fun from him. He wants us to crawl up into his lap, rest our head on his chest, and snuggle into the comfort of his arms. He wants us to share our innermost thoughts with him. More than anything, he wants to lead and protect us throughout life so that he can shower blessings on us.
But when we become like demanding children, stomping our feet and pouting over what he hasn't given us, Jesus puts us in time out. There, we stay until we learn that we need to respect and love him first. Only then will we position ourselves to be blessed by him.
And if our focus becomes trained on receiving blessings as a result of loving Jesus, we'll continue to sit in time out. We must expect nothing...absolutely nothing beyond a relationship with him. When we get to that point of realizing that he alone is our greatest dream come true, then the blessings will flow.
A lot of preachers claim that Jesus will shower us with blessings...that we deserve them. Unfortunately, we often believe that those blessings come with four tires attached...or a roof...or a karat designation.
The truth is, God's blessings may come in the form of greater peace, giving up unrealistic expectations, feeling content in spite of our circumstances, or simply resting in the knowledge that the King of the universe loves us deeply.
Micah 6:8 (NIV) reminds us of what is really important. He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
To act justly means that we stand up for those who cannot speak up for themselves. This is why I have chosen to become the voice for victims of abuse and trauma. Someone must speak out against the victimization of helpless people. I am blessed in knowing that I am creating greater awareness of this problem so that laws will be changed to protect innocent children and victims of crime.
To love mercy means that we look after the needs of those around us who are weaker than we are. This would include helpless children, the unborn, widows, handicapped people, the elderly among us,and anyone else who is suffering. I am blessed in knowing that I am helping others, like me, who have experienced abuse and trauma. Giving others comfort, as God has comforted us, ought to be one of our loftiest goals.
To walk humbly with your God means that we have to give up pride. I never realized until this past week how prideful I have been. I always thought that humility simply meant that I was willing to admit my faults. It's far more than that. We become prideful when we take our problems into our own hands and attempt to solve them through stupid means.
In my case, I have tried to solve my financial troubles in a host of ways so that my husband can work just one job. A lack of money has created a huge hang-up for me, because I have been stubbornly refusing to let Jesus help me with the problem.
Jesus doesn't just want us to give up trying to control some things in our lives. He wants us to give up our need to fix all of our problems. The only solution to our problems is to admit to Jesus that our lives are unmanageable, that we have made an even greater mess in trying to fix things, and that we acknowledge him as our only hope for relief.
Hmmm...seems to me that I learned that slogan years ago at Al-Anon. I read it, memorized it, repeated it, and thought that I was living it when I gave up trying to control other people's lives. Now, I realize that I must give up trying to control my own life.
When we really and truly humble ourselves before God, we discover that we can hear his voice, telling us which way to go. Then, it really doesn't matter whether we have goals or not. Because, in the end, our highest goal ought to be to follow wherever he leads, confident that he will take us where our hearts desires will be fulfilled.
Today's Challenge
Take time to reflect today where you stand with Jesus. Is he completely in control of every aspect of your life? Or are you taking back problems and trying to solve them with your own plans? Do whatever it takes to surrender everything to him, including your own life and all of its challenges.
Along the way, I have discovered something that I wasn't expecting. We may set big goals and make plans to achieve them. We may have dreams in our hearts that we desperately want to make real. But in the end, our highest goal has to be a real relationship with Jesus.
Unless the Christ is enough for us, we will never feel fulfilled. We've got to get to the point where it doesn't matter if we've got a great job, lots of money, a nice house, a sleek new car, a loving partner, or anything else we think we have to have. When we place too much emphasis on our worldly achievements, Jesus takes a back seat along the way. And that's not where he wants to be.
Jesus wants to be in the driver's seat, with us right beside him. Above all things, he wants us to want him more than anything else. Finding a way to get close to him is our greatest challenge. And when we find him, he will be our greatest prize.
Let me say that again. Jesus must be the goal we are aiming for first and foremost. Just sitting in his presence and praising him for his love must give us total satisfaction. If it doesn't, we've got our priorities out of order.
I'm not saying that we can't have other dreams. We certainly can't sit around all day, just grinning from ear to ear because we're close to Jesus. He put us all here to do things. But we have to remember that he wants our complete love and attention 24/7. He wants us to be content with him first. Then, when other dreams get fulfilled, we can feel extra blessed.
We run into trouble when we put our dreams first. When they don't get fulfilled, we get angry at Jesus for failing us. We rail at him for letting us down, over and over. The sad truth is that we're failing him when we act like this.
We may discover in the process of chasing after dreams that we are spoiled rotten children. God our father doesn't want us to just demand baubles and cookies and fun from him. He wants us to crawl up into his lap, rest our head on his chest, and snuggle into the comfort of his arms. He wants us to share our innermost thoughts with him. More than anything, he wants to lead and protect us throughout life so that he can shower blessings on us.
But when we become like demanding children, stomping our feet and pouting over what he hasn't given us, Jesus puts us in time out. There, we stay until we learn that we need to respect and love him first. Only then will we position ourselves to be blessed by him.
And if our focus becomes trained on receiving blessings as a result of loving Jesus, we'll continue to sit in time out. We must expect nothing...absolutely nothing beyond a relationship with him. When we get to that point of realizing that he alone is our greatest dream come true, then the blessings will flow.
A lot of preachers claim that Jesus will shower us with blessings...that we deserve them. Unfortunately, we often believe that those blessings come with four tires attached...or a roof...or a karat designation.
The truth is, God's blessings may come in the form of greater peace, giving up unrealistic expectations, feeling content in spite of our circumstances, or simply resting in the knowledge that the King of the universe loves us deeply.
Micah 6:8 (NIV) reminds us of what is really important. He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
To act justly means that we stand up for those who cannot speak up for themselves. This is why I have chosen to become the voice for victims of abuse and trauma. Someone must speak out against the victimization of helpless people. I am blessed in knowing that I am creating greater awareness of this problem so that laws will be changed to protect innocent children and victims of crime.
To love mercy means that we look after the needs of those around us who are weaker than we are. This would include helpless children, the unborn, widows, handicapped people, the elderly among us,and anyone else who is suffering. I am blessed in knowing that I am helping others, like me, who have experienced abuse and trauma. Giving others comfort, as God has comforted us, ought to be one of our loftiest goals.
To walk humbly with your God means that we have to give up pride. I never realized until this past week how prideful I have been. I always thought that humility simply meant that I was willing to admit my faults. It's far more than that. We become prideful when we take our problems into our own hands and attempt to solve them through stupid means.
In my case, I have tried to solve my financial troubles in a host of ways so that my husband can work just one job. A lack of money has created a huge hang-up for me, because I have been stubbornly refusing to let Jesus help me with the problem.
Jesus doesn't just want us to give up trying to control some things in our lives. He wants us to give up our need to fix all of our problems. The only solution to our problems is to admit to Jesus that our lives are unmanageable, that we have made an even greater mess in trying to fix things, and that we acknowledge him as our only hope for relief.
Hmmm...seems to me that I learned that slogan years ago at Al-Anon. I read it, memorized it, repeated it, and thought that I was living it when I gave up trying to control other people's lives. Now, I realize that I must give up trying to control my own life.
When we really and truly humble ourselves before God, we discover that we can hear his voice, telling us which way to go. Then, it really doesn't matter whether we have goals or not. Because, in the end, our highest goal ought to be to follow wherever he leads, confident that he will take us where our hearts desires will be fulfilled.
Today's Challenge
Take time to reflect today where you stand with Jesus. Is he completely in control of every aspect of your life? Or are you taking back problems and trying to solve them with your own plans? Do whatever it takes to surrender everything to him, including your own life and all of its challenges.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Find the Good in Suffering
I've been off the radar for a few days, because MS has knocked me for a loop. I don't like to let my readers down, and it has been bothering me that I haven't had the strength to continue writing. However, the experience has taught me, once again, that we can always find some good in suffering.
I was lying in bed last night, suffering from so much pain that I wished I could die. Not only did my joints and muscles hurt, but my spirit was in agony. I'd been having recurring nightmares again about my parents, and the images left me feeling so depressed, I could hardly stand to breathe.
I prayed that God would give me some relief. Instead, he whispered that I should be looking for the good in my suffering. Suddenly, I realized that whenever I'm in such bad shape, I lean harder on God. It dawned on me that when I'm sick, I have to trust him completely. In that instant, it didn't matter anymore that everything hurt. I felt God's nearness, and I knew that I could endure anything together with him.
In the old testament, Joseph's brothers threw him into a pit to kill him. But when some slave traders came along, they decided instead to sell him. Later in life, when Joseph was serving as one of the most powerful leaders of Egypt, his brothers approached him for help. A famine in their land was wiping out the population.
When they discovered that this great leader was their brother, whom they had tried to kill, they were terrified. But Joseph forgave them and said, You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. (Gen 50:20 NIV)
I have really been struggling with thoughts about what I would like to say to my parents about my dad molesting my daughter, as well as his molesting me as a child. I finally sat down yesterday and wrote a six-page letter. I told them how they had hurt me and that I needed them to admit the truth about what they had done. I asked them to apologize, but only if they sincerely understood how much damage they had done.
I concluded the letter with a list of things they had done well as parents, ending with the statement that God can take the most awful childhood and make something beautiful out of it.
As a result of my unhappy experiences, I have developed a voice for all victims, which I express through the written word. My parents meant to harm me, but God intended that suffering for good to accomplish what is now being done, the encouraging of many wounded souls.
Thank you for your understanding about my recent silence. Next week, we will continue with my series, Confident in God's Hands.
Today's Challenge
Take a look at your past and acknowledge the pain you have experienced. Then, reflect on how God may be using that suffering to carry out his plans and draw you into a relationship with him. Put your thoughts in writing, and if it is safe to do so, mail it off to the person who hurt you. Remind them that God will use the pain they imposed on you to accomplish something important.
I was lying in bed last night, suffering from so much pain that I wished I could die. Not only did my joints and muscles hurt, but my spirit was in agony. I'd been having recurring nightmares again about my parents, and the images left me feeling so depressed, I could hardly stand to breathe.
I prayed that God would give me some relief. Instead, he whispered that I should be looking for the good in my suffering. Suddenly, I realized that whenever I'm in such bad shape, I lean harder on God. It dawned on me that when I'm sick, I have to trust him completely. In that instant, it didn't matter anymore that everything hurt. I felt God's nearness, and I knew that I could endure anything together with him.
In the old testament, Joseph's brothers threw him into a pit to kill him. But when some slave traders came along, they decided instead to sell him. Later in life, when Joseph was serving as one of the most powerful leaders of Egypt, his brothers approached him for help. A famine in their land was wiping out the population.
When they discovered that this great leader was their brother, whom they had tried to kill, they were terrified. But Joseph forgave them and said, You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. (Gen 50:20 NIV)
I have really been struggling with thoughts about what I would like to say to my parents about my dad molesting my daughter, as well as his molesting me as a child. I finally sat down yesterday and wrote a six-page letter. I told them how they had hurt me and that I needed them to admit the truth about what they had done. I asked them to apologize, but only if they sincerely understood how much damage they had done.
I concluded the letter with a list of things they had done well as parents, ending with the statement that God can take the most awful childhood and make something beautiful out of it.
As a result of my unhappy experiences, I have developed a voice for all victims, which I express through the written word. My parents meant to harm me, but God intended that suffering for good to accomplish what is now being done, the encouraging of many wounded souls.
Thank you for your understanding about my recent silence. Next week, we will continue with my series, Confident in God's Hands.
Today's Challenge
Take a look at your past and acknowledge the pain you have experienced. Then, reflect on how God may be using that suffering to carry out his plans and draw you into a relationship with him. Put your thoughts in writing, and if it is safe to do so, mail it off to the person who hurt you. Remind them that God will use the pain they imposed on you to accomplish something important.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Self-Imposed Solitary Confinement Kills Confidence
We continue today with my series, Confident in God's Hands. As survivors of abuse and trauma, we frequently create a form of self-imposed solitary confinement. Social anxiety can make us so fearful or uncomfortable that we barricade ourselves in our homes for days, weeks, months, or even years at a time. This is a sure-fire way to slowly drive ourselves crazy.
Research shows that we need other people.
Researchers found in 2009 that one's social environment can modify the biology of breast cancer and lead to significant differences in outcome. Female mice stressed because they were separated from their mothers developed more and larger mammary gland tumours than more contented animals. (The University of Chicago study appears in the Journal for Cancer Prevention Research.)
Researcher S. Grassian studied the effects of solitary confinement on prison inmates. He described psychiatric symptoms that appeared in 14 inmates exposed to periods of increased social isolation and sensory restriction in solitary confinement. The author asserts that these symptoms form a major, clinically distinguishable psychiatric syndrome. (Am J Psychiatry 1983; 140:1450-1454)
Psychologist Craig Haney of the University of California, Santa Cruz, is an expert on long-term solitary confinement. He explained why solitary confinement is typically used in prisons.
He said, "It’s a very painful experience. People experience isolation panic. They have a difficult time psychologically coping with the experience of being completely alone."
"In addition," he said, "solitary confinement imposes conditions of social and perceptual stimulus deprivation. Often it’s the deprivation of activity, the deprivation of cognitive stimulation, that some people find to be painful and frightening."
"Some of them lose their grasp of their identity. Who we are, and how we function in the world around us, is very much nested in our relation to other people. Over a long period of time, solitary confinement undermines one’s sense of self. It undermines your ability to register and regulate emotion. The appropriateness of what you’re thinking and feeling is difficult to index, because we’re so dependent on contact with others for that feedback. And for some people, it becomes a struggle to maintain sanity."
Go out into the world every day and talk to at least one person.
The social isolation that often results from abuse or trauma can be disabling. We must fight this downward spiral into depression and ever-greater anxiety by going out into the world every single day to find someone to talk to.
Talking on the phone, texting, and emailing don't count as much as real, one-on-one interactions with others. We need to be around other people, because it helps us to measure how we are doing. Social interaction helps us to monitor and adjust our behavior. It gives us confidence, because other people validate who we are and why we're here.
We're a lot like dogs in a pack.
My poodle, Zibby, is frequently as isolated as I am. She doesn't get very many opportunities to go out into the world, particularly when MS slows me down. When she was a puppy, our trainer told us that it was imperative for Zibby to meet at least 5 new people every week if we wanted her to become socially mature.
For the past several months, I've been so busy, Zibby has had to stay at home more often than she or I would like her to. After a number of days of isolation, I took Zibby to a friend's house. My poor dog went completely bonkers. She raced around the living room like an Indy driver, banking off of the sofa and barking her head off. My friend's dog just sat on the sofa, staring at my insane little dog.
Without other dogs to help her self-monitor her behavior, Zibby is having a difficult time learning how to adjust her emotions. We're not much different. Like dogs who learn best in a pack, we thrive when we can mirror others' behaviors. We learn how to adjust ourselves by checking in with other people.
God designed us to live in community with others.
After God made Adam, he said, "It's not good for the Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion." (Gen 2:18 MSG) Even though Adam had the companionship of every animal God had created, he was still lonely.
Like Adam, it is not good for us to be alone. My dog may provide me with some companionship, but she is certainly no subsitute for the company of other people.
If we find ourselves isolated from others as a result of our home's location, our work environment, or our own self-imposed prison of loneliness, we must make changes as soon as possible. If, for some reason, we can't get out of our house, we need to make sure that someone visits us regularly.
As we can see by the research above, social isolation leads to a documented form of mental illness. Unless we take steps to interact with other human beings daily, we are at high risk of losing our sanity. And there's no better way to destroy our confidence than to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world.
Today's Challenge
Have you been isolating yourself because it is so painful for you to go out into the world? The longer this goes on, the harder it becomes to change. Open the door today and step out into the world. Find someone, anyone, to say hello to. Do the same thing tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. If you want to thrive and restore your confidence, you need other people to help you self-monitor and adjust.
Research shows that we need other people.
Researchers found in 2009 that one's social environment can modify the biology of breast cancer and lead to significant differences in outcome. Female mice stressed because they were separated from their mothers developed more and larger mammary gland tumours than more contented animals. (The University of Chicago study appears in the Journal for Cancer Prevention Research.)
Researcher S. Grassian studied the effects of solitary confinement on prison inmates. He described psychiatric symptoms that appeared in 14 inmates exposed to periods of increased social isolation and sensory restriction in solitary confinement. The author asserts that these symptoms form a major, clinically distinguishable psychiatric syndrome. (Am J Psychiatry 1983; 140:1450-1454)
Psychologist Craig Haney of the University of California, Santa Cruz, is an expert on long-term solitary confinement. He explained why solitary confinement is typically used in prisons.
He said, "It’s a very painful experience. People experience isolation panic. They have a difficult time psychologically coping with the experience of being completely alone."
"In addition," he said, "solitary confinement imposes conditions of social and perceptual stimulus deprivation. Often it’s the deprivation of activity, the deprivation of cognitive stimulation, that some people find to be painful and frightening."
"Some of them lose their grasp of their identity. Who we are, and how we function in the world around us, is very much nested in our relation to other people. Over a long period of time, solitary confinement undermines one’s sense of self. It undermines your ability to register and regulate emotion. The appropriateness of what you’re thinking and feeling is difficult to index, because we’re so dependent on contact with others for that feedback. And for some people, it becomes a struggle to maintain sanity."
Go out into the world every day and talk to at least one person.
The social isolation that often results from abuse or trauma can be disabling. We must fight this downward spiral into depression and ever-greater anxiety by going out into the world every single day to find someone to talk to.
Talking on the phone, texting, and emailing don't count as much as real, one-on-one interactions with others. We need to be around other people, because it helps us to measure how we are doing. Social interaction helps us to monitor and adjust our behavior. It gives us confidence, because other people validate who we are and why we're here.
We're a lot like dogs in a pack.
My poodle, Zibby, is frequently as isolated as I am. She doesn't get very many opportunities to go out into the world, particularly when MS slows me down. When she was a puppy, our trainer told us that it was imperative for Zibby to meet at least 5 new people every week if we wanted her to become socially mature.
For the past several months, I've been so busy, Zibby has had to stay at home more often than she or I would like her to. After a number of days of isolation, I took Zibby to a friend's house. My poor dog went completely bonkers. She raced around the living room like an Indy driver, banking off of the sofa and barking her head off. My friend's dog just sat on the sofa, staring at my insane little dog.
Without other dogs to help her self-monitor her behavior, Zibby is having a difficult time learning how to adjust her emotions. We're not much different. Like dogs who learn best in a pack, we thrive when we can mirror others' behaviors. We learn how to adjust ourselves by checking in with other people.
God designed us to live in community with others.
After God made Adam, he said, "It's not good for the Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion." (Gen 2:18 MSG) Even though Adam had the companionship of every animal God had created, he was still lonely.
Like Adam, it is not good for us to be alone. My dog may provide me with some companionship, but she is certainly no subsitute for the company of other people.
If we find ourselves isolated from others as a result of our home's location, our work environment, or our own self-imposed prison of loneliness, we must make changes as soon as possible. If, for some reason, we can't get out of our house, we need to make sure that someone visits us regularly.
As we can see by the research above, social isolation leads to a documented form of mental illness. Unless we take steps to interact with other human beings daily, we are at high risk of losing our sanity. And there's no better way to destroy our confidence than to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world.
Today's Challenge
Have you been isolating yourself because it is so painful for you to go out into the world? The longer this goes on, the harder it becomes to change. Open the door today and step out into the world. Find someone, anyone, to say hello to. Do the same thing tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. If you want to thrive and restore your confidence, you need other people to help you self-monitor and adjust.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Shake Off Old Labels
We continue with my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, we take a look at labels and how they shape our actions.
What labels have been stuck on you?
For many of us, abuse has been an undercurrent throughout our lives. It may have begun at home, where unkind words, harsh punishment, or sexual molestation left us feeling frightened and powerless. When we went out into the world with our insecurities, the bullies around us picked up on our weaknesses and stuck labels on us.
We all know about labels. Kids are pros at looking at a person, sizing her up in a heartbeat, and giving her a label. Over the years, labels stuck to me, almost as perceptible as sticky notes clinging annoyingly to my skin. I was called skinny, monkey, four-eyes, buck-tooth beaver, pizza face, goody two-shoes, prude, and many other unkind names. Eventually, I felt as if I were wearing a sign on my back that read, "Abuse me. I'm an easy target."
With all of those names attached to my soul, it was difficult to develop much courage. Many of us go through our entire lives, acting as if those old labels accurately describe us.
God has labeled us as beautiful, peaceful, joyful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, and good. It's time to start believing in his labels and forget about the inaccurate, ridiculous, unkind ones of our childhood. We must consciously identify what our old labels are, rip them off, and replace them with better ones.
Label yourself like Jesus.
The apostle Paul tried to encourage the people of Corinth to look at themselves and the labels they were wearing. He urged them to throw them out and label themselves Christ-like.
Each of us is now a part of his resurrection body, refreshed and sustained at one fountain—his Spirit—where we all come to drink. The old labels we once used to identify ourselves—labels like Jew or Greek, slave or free—are no longer useful. We need something larger, more comprehensive. (I Corinthians 12:12 MSG)
We must take a long, hard look at the labels we've been operating under all of our lives. It's imperative that we give up acting as if we are those things that have been pasted to our personalities. We aren't victims, losers, clumsy oxen, bad children, or anything else ugly that has been attached to us.
We are free in Christ to label ourselves something beautiful and strong. What words would you use to describe the real you?
Today's Challenge
Identify inaccurate labels which have been clinging to you for years. Shake them off and put on a new label as a member of the body of Christ which has been refreshed in his Spirit.
What labels have been stuck on you?
For many of us, abuse has been an undercurrent throughout our lives. It may have begun at home, where unkind words, harsh punishment, or sexual molestation left us feeling frightened and powerless. When we went out into the world with our insecurities, the bullies around us picked up on our weaknesses and stuck labels on us.
We all know about labels. Kids are pros at looking at a person, sizing her up in a heartbeat, and giving her a label. Over the years, labels stuck to me, almost as perceptible as sticky notes clinging annoyingly to my skin. I was called skinny, monkey, four-eyes, buck-tooth beaver, pizza face, goody two-shoes, prude, and many other unkind names. Eventually, I felt as if I were wearing a sign on my back that read, "Abuse me. I'm an easy target."
With all of those names attached to my soul, it was difficult to develop much courage. Many of us go through our entire lives, acting as if those old labels accurately describe us.
God has labeled us as beautiful, peaceful, joyful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, and good. It's time to start believing in his labels and forget about the inaccurate, ridiculous, unkind ones of our childhood. We must consciously identify what our old labels are, rip them off, and replace them with better ones.
Label yourself like Jesus.
The apostle Paul tried to encourage the people of Corinth to look at themselves and the labels they were wearing. He urged them to throw them out and label themselves Christ-like.
Each of us is now a part of his resurrection body, refreshed and sustained at one fountain—his Spirit—where we all come to drink. The old labels we once used to identify ourselves—labels like Jew or Greek, slave or free—are no longer useful. We need something larger, more comprehensive. (I Corinthians 12:12 MSG)
We must take a long, hard look at the labels we've been operating under all of our lives. It's imperative that we give up acting as if we are those things that have been pasted to our personalities. We aren't victims, losers, clumsy oxen, bad children, or anything else ugly that has been attached to us.
We are free in Christ to label ourselves something beautiful and strong. What words would you use to describe the real you?
Today's Challenge
Identify inaccurate labels which have been clinging to you for years. Shake them off and put on a new label as a member of the body of Christ which has been refreshed in his Spirit.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Listen to Your Heart
We're learning how kick aside insecurities during my series, Confident in God's Hands. I believe that to be truly confident, we must follow God's leading for our lives. When we listen to our hearts, we find more successful outcomes than if we follow paths that the world believes we should.
Your money or your life!
All my life, I have wanted to be a writer. At times, it doesn't pay well. Truthfully, it often pays nothing, other than the satisfaction of knowing that I've crafted something beautiful.
Whenever I allow money woes to take precedence over the dream God has planted in my heart, I hit a wall. My efforts end in frustration, and they frequently cost me more time, money, and aggravation than they're worth.
On the other hand, when I'm in agreement with God's plans for my life, things just seem to fall into place. For instance, I've been asking God to help me figure out how to market, manage, and pay for the distribution of my upcoming novel. Out of the blue, a very old friend offered to handle the distribution of the book at no cost to me!
Usually, our worries about making a living by following our heart's desire are based on our lack of trust in God. When we let anxieties hold us back from our dreams, our confidence takes a hit. Why? Because confidence can only grow with successes. Every time we set aside our dreams, we're setting ourselves up to feel like losers, because we never arrive where we know we should be.
If God has given us a job to do, surely he'll provide what we need along the way! We must trust him to make our dreams come true, and in the process, our confidence will grow.
Go back to Start
When playing board games, we frequently land on a space that directs us to go back to the place where we started. We usually see this as a setback, but when it comes to following our dreams and gaining confidence along the way, returning to our beginnings can put us on the fast-track to success.
King Solomon had a dream of ruling God's people. When God asked Solomon what blessing he might give him, Solomon asked for wisdom and knowledge to lead God's people.
God said to Solomon, "Since this is your heart's desire and you have not asked for wealth, riches or honor, nor for the death of your enemies, and since you have not asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern my people over whom I have made you king, therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given you. And I will also give you wealth, riches and honor, such as no king who was before you ever had and none after you will have." (2 Chronicles 1:11-12 NIV)
We can see from the passage above that God showers his people with blessings when they follow their heart's desire. Blessings beyond our wildest dreams usually follow when we take our focus off of money and put it back on God's plan for us. Solomon became the wealthiest, most highly respected man of all time, because his dream honored God.
If we return to the beginning of our dreams, can we say that God put them in our hearts? Or have we been wishing for something outside of his will for us? We must choose wisely, as Solomon did, when asking God to bless our efforts. If we don't seem to be making any headway, perhaps it's time to go back and start over. Maybe we need to examine our heart's desire and make sure that God planted it there in the first place.
Today's Challenge
What has always been your heart's desire? If you haven't achieved it, take time today to pray about it. Ask God to show you whether or not that dream was his or something the world told you to do. If you feel certain that your dream and God's plans are in alignment, follow that path to success and greater confidence. If you determine that you're on the wrong path, ask God to send you back to start over on a dream that will honor him.
Your money or your life!
All my life, I have wanted to be a writer. At times, it doesn't pay well. Truthfully, it often pays nothing, other than the satisfaction of knowing that I've crafted something beautiful.
Whenever I allow money woes to take precedence over the dream God has planted in my heart, I hit a wall. My efforts end in frustration, and they frequently cost me more time, money, and aggravation than they're worth.
On the other hand, when I'm in agreement with God's plans for my life, things just seem to fall into place. For instance, I've been asking God to help me figure out how to market, manage, and pay for the distribution of my upcoming novel. Out of the blue, a very old friend offered to handle the distribution of the book at no cost to me!
Usually, our worries about making a living by following our heart's desire are based on our lack of trust in God. When we let anxieties hold us back from our dreams, our confidence takes a hit. Why? Because confidence can only grow with successes. Every time we set aside our dreams, we're setting ourselves up to feel like losers, because we never arrive where we know we should be.
If God has given us a job to do, surely he'll provide what we need along the way! We must trust him to make our dreams come true, and in the process, our confidence will grow.
Go back to Start
When playing board games, we frequently land on a space that directs us to go back to the place where we started. We usually see this as a setback, but when it comes to following our dreams and gaining confidence along the way, returning to our beginnings can put us on the fast-track to success.
King Solomon had a dream of ruling God's people. When God asked Solomon what blessing he might give him, Solomon asked for wisdom and knowledge to lead God's people.
God said to Solomon, "Since this is your heart's desire and you have not asked for wealth, riches or honor, nor for the death of your enemies, and since you have not asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern my people over whom I have made you king, therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given you. And I will also give you wealth, riches and honor, such as no king who was before you ever had and none after you will have." (2 Chronicles 1:11-12 NIV)
We can see from the passage above that God showers his people with blessings when they follow their heart's desire. Blessings beyond our wildest dreams usually follow when we take our focus off of money and put it back on God's plan for us. Solomon became the wealthiest, most highly respected man of all time, because his dream honored God.
If we return to the beginning of our dreams, can we say that God put them in our hearts? Or have we been wishing for something outside of his will for us? We must choose wisely, as Solomon did, when asking God to bless our efforts. If we don't seem to be making any headway, perhaps it's time to go back and start over. Maybe we need to examine our heart's desire and make sure that God planted it there in the first place.
Today's Challenge
What has always been your heart's desire? If you haven't achieved it, take time today to pray about it. Ask God to show you whether or not that dream was his or something the world told you to do. If you feel certain that your dream and God's plans are in alignment, follow that path to success and greater confidence. If you determine that you're on the wrong path, ask God to send you back to start over on a dream that will honor him.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Hone Your Skills
We've been looking at intellectual growth this week during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I'd like to address the importance of perfecting the skills we have learned.
Don't waste your time on education.
We often get excited about learning something new, so we sign up for a class. For the first days or weeks, we are highly motivated, and we try our best to understand all that is new. This is because learning a new skill gives us a rush, as would a new relationship, a new adventure, or a new addiction.
Then, the newness wears off, and our interest begins to fade. We discover that it's hard to learn, and many of us give up shortly after our high-energy beginnings. We quickly come to regret the time and money we've expended on our dream. When we quickly give up, we've wasted our our time on education.
Dedicate yourself to success.
Learning requires discpline, perseverance, and the ability to keep our eyes focused on the end goal. If we want to learn to play the piano, for example, we must start by imagining ourselves successfully playing. Then, we have to sign up for lessons and practice, practice, practice.
I began taking piano lessons when I was four years old. It was my mother's idea, so my motivation to practice was not very strong. For a number of years, I took lessons, but I rarely touched the keys when my teacher wasn't around. Others told me that my goal should be to memorize a piece to play in a recital. I really preferred playing outside to practicing. Their dream was not mine.
And then something changed. I discovered a type of music known as boogie-woogie, and my level of interest shot upward. There was something about the syncopated rhythms and bouncy melodies that motivated me to get it right. I began practicing without worrying about how much time I spent at he keyboard. Suddenly, I had a dream. I wanted to play this music for others, so that they could feel the joy that I did through the tunes.
After a number of years, I discovered that I was spending all of my free time at the piano. At one point, I was playing four hours a day. I began signing up for competitions and easily won a number of prizes and medals. When we devote that much time to any one pursuit, it stands to reason that we'll improve.
Find a mentor to achieve a break-through.
Eventually, we'll hit a plateau in our learning. We'll reach a point where further growth can only come with new input. For me, it meant finding a professor at a local university who taught me how to play jazz improvization.
The early years of studying boring piano theory, practicing scales, and pulling out my hair over the classics finally paid off. I had the basic knowledge to understand how to write and play my own music. Suddenly, I achieved a break-through. I found myself jamming with a group of jazz musicians, shifting with ease from one chord progression to the next.
I was no longer anxious about the curve of my fingers on the keys, the phrasing, or hitting a wrong note in a well-recognized tune. Jazz improv was freeing, and I felt as if my soul, the music, and the other musicians were all one being. Nothing boosts our confidence like achieving more than we have dreamed was possible.
God wants us to dream and take action.
When God puts a dream in our hearts, he wants us to focus on it and see it through his eyes. Philippians 4:8 (NIV) reminds us, Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
When we imagine outcomes that are excellent, we've taken the first step in achieving our dreams. But our dreams must be accompanied by actions if we want to achieve success and build confidence.
While I could imagine myself playing in a recital, I was never going to see it become a reality unless I applied myself to learning how to play the piano. It took teachers, lessons, grueling hours of practice, listening to music, reaching out to other musicians, and the ability to think outside the box to truly excel.
James 1:12 (NIV) tells about the importance of sticking with something to the very end: Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James was talking about persevering in holding fast to our faith so that we can find our way to heaven, even when others try to tell us that we're wrong, crazy, or stupid.
But James' words can also be applied to any dream that God puts in our hearts. We must believe in our dreams, believe in the God who placed them in our souls, and believe in our ability to succeed. Adding sustained action to our dreams will inevitably help us to achieve what we want. And increased confidence inevitably follows on the heels of success.
Today's Challenge
Do you have a dream that you've never fulfilled? Did you give up when your interest waned or when the road became too difficult for you? Perhaps you gave up, because you realized the dream was not a part of God's plan for you. It's okay to let go when you've understood that you went the wrong way. Look back over your life and try to see where you have succeeded because you persevered. Can you apply that same persistence to learn something difficult and fulfill your God-driven dreams?
Don't waste your time on education.
We often get excited about learning something new, so we sign up for a class. For the first days or weeks, we are highly motivated, and we try our best to understand all that is new. This is because learning a new skill gives us a rush, as would a new relationship, a new adventure, or a new addiction.
Then, the newness wears off, and our interest begins to fade. We discover that it's hard to learn, and many of us give up shortly after our high-energy beginnings. We quickly come to regret the time and money we've expended on our dream. When we quickly give up, we've wasted our our time on education.
Dedicate yourself to success.
Learning requires discpline, perseverance, and the ability to keep our eyes focused on the end goal. If we want to learn to play the piano, for example, we must start by imagining ourselves successfully playing. Then, we have to sign up for lessons and practice, practice, practice.
I began taking piano lessons when I was four years old. It was my mother's idea, so my motivation to practice was not very strong. For a number of years, I took lessons, but I rarely touched the keys when my teacher wasn't around. Others told me that my goal should be to memorize a piece to play in a recital. I really preferred playing outside to practicing. Their dream was not mine.
And then something changed. I discovered a type of music known as boogie-woogie, and my level of interest shot upward. There was something about the syncopated rhythms and bouncy melodies that motivated me to get it right. I began practicing without worrying about how much time I spent at he keyboard. Suddenly, I had a dream. I wanted to play this music for others, so that they could feel the joy that I did through the tunes.
After a number of years, I discovered that I was spending all of my free time at the piano. At one point, I was playing four hours a day. I began signing up for competitions and easily won a number of prizes and medals. When we devote that much time to any one pursuit, it stands to reason that we'll improve.
Find a mentor to achieve a break-through.
Eventually, we'll hit a plateau in our learning. We'll reach a point where further growth can only come with new input. For me, it meant finding a professor at a local university who taught me how to play jazz improvization.
The early years of studying boring piano theory, practicing scales, and pulling out my hair over the classics finally paid off. I had the basic knowledge to understand how to write and play my own music. Suddenly, I achieved a break-through. I found myself jamming with a group of jazz musicians, shifting with ease from one chord progression to the next.
I was no longer anxious about the curve of my fingers on the keys, the phrasing, or hitting a wrong note in a well-recognized tune. Jazz improv was freeing, and I felt as if my soul, the music, and the other musicians were all one being. Nothing boosts our confidence like achieving more than we have dreamed was possible.
God wants us to dream and take action.
When God puts a dream in our hearts, he wants us to focus on it and see it through his eyes. Philippians 4:8 (NIV) reminds us, Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
When we imagine outcomes that are excellent, we've taken the first step in achieving our dreams. But our dreams must be accompanied by actions if we want to achieve success and build confidence.
While I could imagine myself playing in a recital, I was never going to see it become a reality unless I applied myself to learning how to play the piano. It took teachers, lessons, grueling hours of practice, listening to music, reaching out to other musicians, and the ability to think outside the box to truly excel.
James 1:12 (NIV) tells about the importance of sticking with something to the very end: Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James was talking about persevering in holding fast to our faith so that we can find our way to heaven, even when others try to tell us that we're wrong, crazy, or stupid.
But James' words can also be applied to any dream that God puts in our hearts. We must believe in our dreams, believe in the God who placed them in our souls, and believe in our ability to succeed. Adding sustained action to our dreams will inevitably help us to achieve what we want. And increased confidence inevitably follows on the heels of success.
Today's Challenge
Do you have a dream that you've never fulfilled? Did you give up when your interest waned or when the road became too difficult for you? Perhaps you gave up, because you realized the dream was not a part of God's plan for you. It's okay to let go when you've understood that you went the wrong way. Look back over your life and try to see where you have succeeded because you persevered. Can you apply that same persistence to learn something difficult and fulfill your God-driven dreams?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Feed Your Mind to Increase Confidence
My series, Confident in God's Hands, is designed to help readers increase their self-esteem. So many of us who have experienced abuse or trauma suffer from a complete lack of confidence. Today, I'd like to address the importance of feeding our minds.
Is your mind fully functional?
Have you ever been awakened by the phone ringing in the middle of the night? You slowly come to a state of semi-consciousness and punch the button on your alarm. The ringing continues. You realize that it's the phone, not the alarm, and you fumble around in the dark to pick it up. You manage in a gravelly voice, "He..ll...o," followed by a deep sigh.
If we find ourselves slogging through our days with this feeling of still being half-asleep, it's time to wake up our minds. Here are some tips for feeding our brains to boost self-esteem:
Get plenty of rest.
No one can think straight without sleep. Many people believe they can get by with 6 hours, but researchers have found that most of us need 7 to 9 hours every night. Going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time each day improves our mental alertness.
Eat nutritious foods.
Limit sugar and starches, which make us feel foggy. A diet high in protein and heavy on vegetables provides us with a clearer head and less fatigue throughout the day. A high-protein, low-carb breakfast gives us the mental boost and the confidence we need to start our day off right.
Get adequate exercise.
If we've been couch potatoes for years, we should start out with 10 minutes of stretching, yoga, or gentle walking. Even this minimal amount of movement increases blood flow to the brain. We can work up to 30-60 minutes of exercise daily to keep our minds sharp and our confidence levels high.
Turn off the TV.
As a teacher, I could tell which of my students spent an inordinate amount of time in front of their TV sets. They were slow to respond to questions, couldn't think creatively, and suffered from low self-esteem.
Television viewing is a passive form of mental work, meaning that we simply take in information without having to put in much thought. It dulls our minds so that we lose confidence in our abilities when we turn off the set and try to interact with others.
Pick up a good book.
Unlike TV viewing, reading forces us to use our minds in many creative ways. As we scan the words on the page, our minds form pictures in our heads of how the characters look, what the setting is like, and what all of the thousands of details must be. Reading is a great confidence booster, because it increases our vocabulary, teaches us about new places, and provides opportunities to learn about other people.
Skip the tabloid newspapers and magazines.
Reading the gossipy junk in tabloid newspapers and magazines is, in my opinion, a complete waste of mental power. They are written at a sixth-grade reading level and report all kinds of depressing news. If I look at them, I feel awful afterward. I realize that I've wasted a reading opportunity, and thinking about all those divorces, drug overdoses, and relationship issues drains my confidence. Who could possibly feel refreshed or more confident after reading about so much gloom and doom?
If you want to know what's going on in the world, pick up The New York Times or The Wall Street Journal. If you don't have access to them, subscribe online. The National Geographic magazine is full of interesting articles and photographs that will expand your horizons and increase your confidence. Learning about unusual animals and people from other cultures gives us something to talk about when we meet others. And being able to interact with some degree of intelligence boosts our confidence.
Read the Bible.
The Bible is God's living, breathing Word, which brings us refreshment, enlightenment, encouragement, love, and hope each time we pick it up. If we are facing hardships, the Holy Spirit leads us to messages about God's ability to provide for us. When we've reached a success point, the Word gives us plenty of opportunities to praise God for it. If we read the Bible daily, we discover that our confidence increases. There is no problem that is too big for God to handle. We can go out into the world with our heads held high, knowing that the Almighty Creator of the Universe is walking ahead of us.
Romans 12:2a (NIV) tells us about the importance of focusing on God, and not on the tragedies that we find on the TV set or in junk newspapers. It reads, Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Our minds can be renewed each time we open the Bible. And with the renewal of our minds, confidence grows.
Today's Challenge
Choose two things from the tips above to feed your mind. For the next week, write down how those two changes are improving your confidence.
Is your mind fully functional?
Have you ever been awakened by the phone ringing in the middle of the night? You slowly come to a state of semi-consciousness and punch the button on your alarm. The ringing continues. You realize that it's the phone, not the alarm, and you fumble around in the dark to pick it up. You manage in a gravelly voice, "He..ll...o," followed by a deep sigh.
If we find ourselves slogging through our days with this feeling of still being half-asleep, it's time to wake up our minds. Here are some tips for feeding our brains to boost self-esteem:
Get plenty of rest.
No one can think straight without sleep. Many people believe they can get by with 6 hours, but researchers have found that most of us need 7 to 9 hours every night. Going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time each day improves our mental alertness.
Eat nutritious foods.
Limit sugar and starches, which make us feel foggy. A diet high in protein and heavy on vegetables provides us with a clearer head and less fatigue throughout the day. A high-protein, low-carb breakfast gives us the mental boost and the confidence we need to start our day off right.
Get adequate exercise.
If we've been couch potatoes for years, we should start out with 10 minutes of stretching, yoga, or gentle walking. Even this minimal amount of movement increases blood flow to the brain. We can work up to 30-60 minutes of exercise daily to keep our minds sharp and our confidence levels high.
Turn off the TV.
As a teacher, I could tell which of my students spent an inordinate amount of time in front of their TV sets. They were slow to respond to questions, couldn't think creatively, and suffered from low self-esteem.
Television viewing is a passive form of mental work, meaning that we simply take in information without having to put in much thought. It dulls our minds so that we lose confidence in our abilities when we turn off the set and try to interact with others.
Pick up a good book.
Unlike TV viewing, reading forces us to use our minds in many creative ways. As we scan the words on the page, our minds form pictures in our heads of how the characters look, what the setting is like, and what all of the thousands of details must be. Reading is a great confidence booster, because it increases our vocabulary, teaches us about new places, and provides opportunities to learn about other people.
Skip the tabloid newspapers and magazines.
Reading the gossipy junk in tabloid newspapers and magazines is, in my opinion, a complete waste of mental power. They are written at a sixth-grade reading level and report all kinds of depressing news. If I look at them, I feel awful afterward. I realize that I've wasted a reading opportunity, and thinking about all those divorces, drug overdoses, and relationship issues drains my confidence. Who could possibly feel refreshed or more confident after reading about so much gloom and doom?
If you want to know what's going on in the world, pick up The New York Times or The Wall Street Journal. If you don't have access to them, subscribe online. The National Geographic magazine is full of interesting articles and photographs that will expand your horizons and increase your confidence. Learning about unusual animals and people from other cultures gives us something to talk about when we meet others. And being able to interact with some degree of intelligence boosts our confidence.
Read the Bible.
The Bible is God's living, breathing Word, which brings us refreshment, enlightenment, encouragement, love, and hope each time we pick it up. If we are facing hardships, the Holy Spirit leads us to messages about God's ability to provide for us. When we've reached a success point, the Word gives us plenty of opportunities to praise God for it. If we read the Bible daily, we discover that our confidence increases. There is no problem that is too big for God to handle. We can go out into the world with our heads held high, knowing that the Almighty Creator of the Universe is walking ahead of us.
Romans 12:2a (NIV) tells us about the importance of focusing on God, and not on the tragedies that we find on the TV set or in junk newspapers. It reads, Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Our minds can be renewed each time we open the Bible. And with the renewal of our minds, confidence grows.
Today's Challenge
Choose two things from the tips above to feed your mind. For the next week, write down how those two changes are improving your confidence.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Learn a New Skill to Build Your Confidence
We are working at becoming more courageous during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I'd like to address the importance of learning new skills.
Turn your losses into opportunities.
Losing our health, our jobs, our marriages, our families, or our money as a result of abuse or trauma can really take a toll on our confidence. Without these basics, many of us lose our ability to tackle challenges.
When we can no longer function due to illness, relationship issues, or job loss, we may suffer from depression and anxiety. Without a way to experience regular success, most of us struggle with low self-esteem, because we're not using the skills that we had once honed.
Learning a new skill that stretches our current level of functioning can give our confidence a terrific shot in the arm. Taking that first step and committing to learning something new can be frightening, to say the least. But if we're willing to take a risk, the pay-offs are worth it.
Adult Ed 101
Multiple sclerosis has sidelined me from holding down a regular job for nearly a decade. At times, I suffer from depression, because I am not using my mind or my body in ways that were once challenging to me.
Someone suggested becoming a real estate agent, because the hours are flexible. But I know from experience that I would never be able to manage the required hours in the office. So, Joe and I decided to learn about real estate investing as a way to keep my mind sharp to and to improve our current investment returns.
We signed up for on-line classes and began a journey that has felt like a roller coaster ride at times. Trying to learn so much new information has been exhausting. Evaluating real estate deals has been terrifying. Worrying about whether we've made mistakes or overlooked important details in our calculations has been nerve-wracking.
In spite of the difficulties, though, something wonderful has begun happening. With each step, we are discovering that real estate investing isn't so scary after all. And with each success, our confidence grows.
Each time we re-apply our new skills to another situation, our self-esteem flourishes. Before long, I'm sure we will look back and wonder why we were ever depressed or worried.
God walks into classrooms ahead of us.
When we decide to learn a new skill, God goes ahead of us. His Word says, "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you." (Deut 31:6 MSG)
All through the process of learning something new and applying it to life, God is there. What do we have to fear?
Today's Challenge
Are you becoming antiquated because of losses related to abuse or trauma? If you're feeling clueless, sign up for a community ed class about computers or financial planning. If you're scared to leave home, sign up for an art class, an exercise club, or an outdoor adventure. Meeting new people may be scary, but developing improved relationship skills along the way will boost your confidence. Push yourself to the next level. Learn a new language or skill that will land you a better job. Whatever it takes, do something to update your skill set today. Ask God to go ahead of you and wait for something wonderful to happen.
Turn your losses into opportunities.
Losing our health, our jobs, our marriages, our families, or our money as a result of abuse or trauma can really take a toll on our confidence. Without these basics, many of us lose our ability to tackle challenges.
When we can no longer function due to illness, relationship issues, or job loss, we may suffer from depression and anxiety. Without a way to experience regular success, most of us struggle with low self-esteem, because we're not using the skills that we had once honed.
Learning a new skill that stretches our current level of functioning can give our confidence a terrific shot in the arm. Taking that first step and committing to learning something new can be frightening, to say the least. But if we're willing to take a risk, the pay-offs are worth it.
Adult Ed 101
Multiple sclerosis has sidelined me from holding down a regular job for nearly a decade. At times, I suffer from depression, because I am not using my mind or my body in ways that were once challenging to me.
Someone suggested becoming a real estate agent, because the hours are flexible. But I know from experience that I would never be able to manage the required hours in the office. So, Joe and I decided to learn about real estate investing as a way to keep my mind sharp to and to improve our current investment returns.
We signed up for on-line classes and began a journey that has felt like a roller coaster ride at times. Trying to learn so much new information has been exhausting. Evaluating real estate deals has been terrifying. Worrying about whether we've made mistakes or overlooked important details in our calculations has been nerve-wracking.
In spite of the difficulties, though, something wonderful has begun happening. With each step, we are discovering that real estate investing isn't so scary after all. And with each success, our confidence grows.
Each time we re-apply our new skills to another situation, our self-esteem flourishes. Before long, I'm sure we will look back and wonder why we were ever depressed or worried.
God walks into classrooms ahead of us.
When we decide to learn a new skill, God goes ahead of us. His Word says, "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you." (Deut 31:6 MSG)
All through the process of learning something new and applying it to life, God is there. What do we have to fear?
Today's Challenge
Are you becoming antiquated because of losses related to abuse or trauma? If you're feeling clueless, sign up for a community ed class about computers or financial planning. If you're scared to leave home, sign up for an art class, an exercise club, or an outdoor adventure. Meeting new people may be scary, but developing improved relationship skills along the way will boost your confidence. Push yourself to the next level. Learn a new language or skill that will land you a better job. Whatever it takes, do something to update your skill set today. Ask God to go ahead of you and wait for something wonderful to happen.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Beware of Confidence Robbers in Sheep's Clothing
We have been learning about how to gain greater confidence during my series, Confident in God's Hands. I would like to help you identify confidence robbers, figure out how to minimize their impact on your life, and learn to restore what they've stolen.
Abusers are everywhere, even in church.
There are abusers in every corner of our world. Sadly, quite a few of them can actually be found in churches. They may be in positions of leadership or authority, serving as elders, deacons, or high-profile volunteers.
It can be hard for us to identify these church-going bullies, because they don't allow everyone to see their ugly side. But it's easy for them to target us. We're often still very vulnerable, compliant people-pleasers after having been abused for so many years. These bullies find us, because we tend to be incredibly polite, soft-spoken members of our faith community.
If we have wronged someone without realizing it, they have a right to voice their concerns. We should strive to make amends quickly so that we don't create divisions between believers. But when a verbally abusive person bashes us into the ground over every single failing that they perceive about us, they cross the line. They are no longer offering us helpful feedback about one issue. They aren't looking for ways to get along with us. They're usually trying to control our minds, our hearts, and our lives.
A very difficult woman from our former church once invited herself to our house under the guise of praying for me and our unborn baby. Within two minutes of arriving, she began telling me all about why my husband was unfit as the minister, how I was a failure as a church leader, and how she would run the church if she could.
We all understand that people like this are a little screwy, but they still seem to push our buttons. When they leave, we find ourselves in a blubbering heap on the sofa, uncertain of everything about ourselves all over again.
Abusers disguised as sheep can destroy our confidence.
An emotional abuser can dump so much criticism on us within seconds that we may feel devastated. Their timing is usually very carefully planned, heaping insults and negativity on us when we least expect it, and in a place where they know we will most likely not stand up for ourselves.
My standard response to a person who emotionally abuses me at church is to just stand there and take it. Even when verbal abusers say completely unkind things to me, I often find myself assuring them that I will take whatever they have to say, weigh it, and learn whatever I can from their input.
Afterward, I find myself wishing I had stood up to them, told them that they were out of line, and reminded them that everybody dislikes being bullied. Instead, I usually scurry away from them, desperately trying not to burst into tears. Emotional abusers can shame me so badly that I wish the floor would open up and swallow me. I can become so upset by their verbal bashing that I can't handle my responsiblities at work or at home.
If we think about the situation long enough, we may realize that a confidence robber has been criticizing us like this at every opportunity for years. They may snicker about our spouse's faults or our children's shortcomings behind their backs. They remind us at every turn that we don't know what we're doing. Many of their unkind remarks are either muttered under their breath or veiled in sarcasm.
Learn to identify confidence robbers.
Confidence robbers in sheep's clothing are difficult to recognize, but if we become more aware of their tactics and how they make us feel, we can figure out how to identify them a little sooner.
We need to think about how we feel when we encounter someone who is constantly negative, critical, or sarcastic. If we are feeling confident, and a conversation with someone like this makes our chin quiver, our eyes mist over, and our heart pound, they're probably emotional abusers. If we feel shamed by the things they're telling us about ourselves, we must realize that they're attacking our character, not just a single fault.
It's important to become particularly wary around people who smile a lot at us and seem unusually friendly. If they're the type of person whom no one else in our community group can get along with, we must question why they're singling us out in the crowd. We don't have to become paranoid that every smiling person is an abuser, but we do need to tune into what our spirits may be telling us about certain people.
Limit your exposure to confidence robbers.
If we've been abused as children, we've probably learned that limiting the amount of time we spend with our parents is best. If we've withstood domestic violence within a marriage, we've hopefully learned that we can function better away from that destructive relationship.
Unfortunately, many of us fail to recognize that we must also limit the amount of time we spend with emotional abusers in our community of faith. We can be polite with these confidence robbers, but we certainly should not be inviting them into our homes or visiting theirs. If we find ourselves in a volunteer situation alongside them, we have to find creative ways to insulate ourselves from their assaults.
Our confidence may already have hit rock-bottom after coming out of abusive situations. We don't need people like this to make us feel any more depressed or worthless than our abusers already have.
Restore confidence quickly.
If we do encounter a confidence robber, it's imperative for us to restore our self-esteem as quickly as possible. We must immediately remove ourselves from the situation the minute we realize what they're doing. We can excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom, make a phone call, or meet with someone else.
If they've made us angry, we can take a long walk, go for a run, beat up our bed with our pillow, or dig in the garden until the rage dissipates.
After we've calmed down, we must take inventory of all the things that we do well. If we haven't created a victory journal, as Jack Canfield suggests, it's time to start one. This is an account in a notebook of everything we have done well throughout our lives.
Ephesians 6:11 (NIV) reminds us, Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. When we take time to read the Bible daily and understand that obeying God's Word can equip us to deal with abusers, we become more courageous when confronted by confidence robbers.
Abusive people will eventually find it difficult to knock us down with their criticism and thinly veiled insults laced with sarcasm. If we review the Bible and our victory journals regularly, a confidence robber won't be able to put much of a dent in our armor.
How not to react to confidence robbers.
Whatever we do, we must not allow confidence robbers to steal away all of our self-esteem. Burrowing back into our beds, keeping the blinds closed, and giving up on life is not the answer. Changing our habits to do what they think is best for us is really the wrong tactic to take.
Trying to set people like this straight is a waste of time, too. Confronting them will usually bring on more insults.
The Bible reminds us of the importance of getting along with fellow believers. Unfortunately, a lot of ministers advise victims to confront abusive people. Church leaders frequently believe the myth that all Christian believers are required to apologize, forgive, and reconcile with their abusers. I heartily disagree with this generic practice of forgiveness when dealing with abusive people of any stripe.
Confidence robbers may state that they're believers. They may even hold powerful positions within the church. But, like the Pharisees of Jesus' day, their mouths are open graves. Romans 3:13 (NIV) reads, “Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.”
So, when we run into confidence robbers, it's best to just get away quickly, restore our confidence as soon as possible, and avoid close encounters with them in the future. As far as forgiveness is concerned, we can ask God to help us release abusive people into his care and to let go of any anger we may harbor toward them.
Today's Challenge
Who is a confidence robber in your community of faith? Learn to recognize emotional abusers in sheep's clothing, and then limit the amount of time you spend with them. Build up your confidence after an encounter with them with a life review of accomplishments, read about God's love for you, or find an encouraging friend who can remind you that you are wonderful and special.
Abusers are everywhere, even in church.
There are abusers in every corner of our world. Sadly, quite a few of them can actually be found in churches. They may be in positions of leadership or authority, serving as elders, deacons, or high-profile volunteers.
It can be hard for us to identify these church-going bullies, because they don't allow everyone to see their ugly side. But it's easy for them to target us. We're often still very vulnerable, compliant people-pleasers after having been abused for so many years. These bullies find us, because we tend to be incredibly polite, soft-spoken members of our faith community.
If we have wronged someone without realizing it, they have a right to voice their concerns. We should strive to make amends quickly so that we don't create divisions between believers. But when a verbally abusive person bashes us into the ground over every single failing that they perceive about us, they cross the line. They are no longer offering us helpful feedback about one issue. They aren't looking for ways to get along with us. They're usually trying to control our minds, our hearts, and our lives.
A very difficult woman from our former church once invited herself to our house under the guise of praying for me and our unborn baby. Within two minutes of arriving, she began telling me all about why my husband was unfit as the minister, how I was a failure as a church leader, and how she would run the church if she could.
We all understand that people like this are a little screwy, but they still seem to push our buttons. When they leave, we find ourselves in a blubbering heap on the sofa, uncertain of everything about ourselves all over again.
Abusers disguised as sheep can destroy our confidence.
An emotional abuser can dump so much criticism on us within seconds that we may feel devastated. Their timing is usually very carefully planned, heaping insults and negativity on us when we least expect it, and in a place where they know we will most likely not stand up for ourselves.
My standard response to a person who emotionally abuses me at church is to just stand there and take it. Even when verbal abusers say completely unkind things to me, I often find myself assuring them that I will take whatever they have to say, weigh it, and learn whatever I can from their input.
Afterward, I find myself wishing I had stood up to them, told them that they were out of line, and reminded them that everybody dislikes being bullied. Instead, I usually scurry away from them, desperately trying not to burst into tears. Emotional abusers can shame me so badly that I wish the floor would open up and swallow me. I can become so upset by their verbal bashing that I can't handle my responsiblities at work or at home.
If we think about the situation long enough, we may realize that a confidence robber has been criticizing us like this at every opportunity for years. They may snicker about our spouse's faults or our children's shortcomings behind their backs. They remind us at every turn that we don't know what we're doing. Many of their unkind remarks are either muttered under their breath or veiled in sarcasm.
Learn to identify confidence robbers.
Confidence robbers in sheep's clothing are difficult to recognize, but if we become more aware of their tactics and how they make us feel, we can figure out how to identify them a little sooner.
We need to think about how we feel when we encounter someone who is constantly negative, critical, or sarcastic. If we are feeling confident, and a conversation with someone like this makes our chin quiver, our eyes mist over, and our heart pound, they're probably emotional abusers. If we feel shamed by the things they're telling us about ourselves, we must realize that they're attacking our character, not just a single fault.
It's important to become particularly wary around people who smile a lot at us and seem unusually friendly. If they're the type of person whom no one else in our community group can get along with, we must question why they're singling us out in the crowd. We don't have to become paranoid that every smiling person is an abuser, but we do need to tune into what our spirits may be telling us about certain people.
Limit your exposure to confidence robbers.
If we've been abused as children, we've probably learned that limiting the amount of time we spend with our parents is best. If we've withstood domestic violence within a marriage, we've hopefully learned that we can function better away from that destructive relationship.
Unfortunately, many of us fail to recognize that we must also limit the amount of time we spend with emotional abusers in our community of faith. We can be polite with these confidence robbers, but we certainly should not be inviting them into our homes or visiting theirs. If we find ourselves in a volunteer situation alongside them, we have to find creative ways to insulate ourselves from their assaults.
Our confidence may already have hit rock-bottom after coming out of abusive situations. We don't need people like this to make us feel any more depressed or worthless than our abusers already have.
Restore confidence quickly.
If we do encounter a confidence robber, it's imperative for us to restore our self-esteem as quickly as possible. We must immediately remove ourselves from the situation the minute we realize what they're doing. We can excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom, make a phone call, or meet with someone else.
If they've made us angry, we can take a long walk, go for a run, beat up our bed with our pillow, or dig in the garden until the rage dissipates.
After we've calmed down, we must take inventory of all the things that we do well. If we haven't created a victory journal, as Jack Canfield suggests, it's time to start one. This is an account in a notebook of everything we have done well throughout our lives.
Ephesians 6:11 (NIV) reminds us, Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. When we take time to read the Bible daily and understand that obeying God's Word can equip us to deal with abusers, we become more courageous when confronted by confidence robbers.
Abusive people will eventually find it difficult to knock us down with their criticism and thinly veiled insults laced with sarcasm. If we review the Bible and our victory journals regularly, a confidence robber won't be able to put much of a dent in our armor.
How not to react to confidence robbers.
Whatever we do, we must not allow confidence robbers to steal away all of our self-esteem. Burrowing back into our beds, keeping the blinds closed, and giving up on life is not the answer. Changing our habits to do what they think is best for us is really the wrong tactic to take.
Trying to set people like this straight is a waste of time, too. Confronting them will usually bring on more insults.
The Bible reminds us of the importance of getting along with fellow believers. Unfortunately, a lot of ministers advise victims to confront abusive people. Church leaders frequently believe the myth that all Christian believers are required to apologize, forgive, and reconcile with their abusers. I heartily disagree with this generic practice of forgiveness when dealing with abusive people of any stripe.
Confidence robbers may state that they're believers. They may even hold powerful positions within the church. But, like the Pharisees of Jesus' day, their mouths are open graves. Romans 3:13 (NIV) reads, “Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.”
So, when we run into confidence robbers, it's best to just get away quickly, restore our confidence as soon as possible, and avoid close encounters with them in the future. As far as forgiveness is concerned, we can ask God to help us release abusive people into his care and to let go of any anger we may harbor toward them.
Today's Challenge
Who is a confidence robber in your community of faith? Learn to recognize emotional abusers in sheep's clothing, and then limit the amount of time you spend with them. Build up your confidence after an encounter with them with a life review of accomplishments, read about God's love for you, or find an encouraging friend who can remind you that you are wonderful and special.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Get Plenty of Rest to Gain Confidence
We are learning how to become more confident after surviving abuse and trauma. This is a continuation of my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, we look at the importance of rest.
Too tired?
Are you so tired that you can barely function? Fatigue can sap a lot of our confidence, because it causes us to make mistakes.
Lately, I've been juggling multiple projects. A number of people are involved in these, and fatigue caused me to make an embarrassing mistake yesterday. I sent an important client to the wrong address, which cost her valuable time. The mistake may cost me in the long run, because professionals do not like to deal with people who make errors.
This happened, because I've been staying up too late, taking on too many projects, and pushing myself too hard. An embarrassing mistake, such as giving out the wrong address, overlooking an important appointment, or going blank when someone returns our call can be a red flag. Mistakes can warn us that we're pushing ourselves beyond our limits.
Remember the Lord's day and rest.
Genesis 2:3 tells us, Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done. Even the creator of our great universe felt that it was important to rest after working hard.
If we want to feel confident and ensure that we don't make costly mistakes, we must get adequate rest. This means that we sleep 7-9 hours per night, we take frequent breaks during the day, and we spend one day each week doing absolutely no work. During that time, it's important to reflect on how much God has blessed us over the previous six days.
Today's Challenge
Is fatigue causing you to make mistakes that result in embarrassing situations? Are you so forgetful because of a lack of sleep that you confuse important details and dates? Whittle away some of your duties at work, unnecessary commitments, and TV/movie time at night. Rest up and watch your productivity and confidence blossom.
Too tired?
Are you so tired that you can barely function? Fatigue can sap a lot of our confidence, because it causes us to make mistakes.
Lately, I've been juggling multiple projects. A number of people are involved in these, and fatigue caused me to make an embarrassing mistake yesterday. I sent an important client to the wrong address, which cost her valuable time. The mistake may cost me in the long run, because professionals do not like to deal with people who make errors.
This happened, because I've been staying up too late, taking on too many projects, and pushing myself too hard. An embarrassing mistake, such as giving out the wrong address, overlooking an important appointment, or going blank when someone returns our call can be a red flag. Mistakes can warn us that we're pushing ourselves beyond our limits.
Remember the Lord's day and rest.
Genesis 2:3 tells us, Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done. Even the creator of our great universe felt that it was important to rest after working hard.
If we want to feel confident and ensure that we don't make costly mistakes, we must get adequate rest. This means that we sleep 7-9 hours per night, we take frequent breaks during the day, and we spend one day each week doing absolutely no work. During that time, it's important to reflect on how much God has blessed us over the previous six days.
Today's Challenge
Is fatigue causing you to make mistakes that result in embarrassing situations? Are you so forgetful because of a lack of sleep that you confuse important details and dates? Whittle away some of your duties at work, unnecessary commitments, and TV/movie time at night. Rest up and watch your productivity and confidence blossom.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Hire a Housekeeper
We are learning how to become more courageous in all areas of our lives during my series, Confident in God's Garden. Today, I'd like to address the benefits of hiring a housekeeper.
A clean house gives us peace of mind.
For the past several months, my responsibilities outside of my home have been growing. Someone suggested that I hire a housekeeper, and I thought the idea sounded ridiculous. Surely, I could keep up with my little cottage. It's just the two of us at home now, along with one little poodle.
As the weeks turned into months, I began to realize that the time I used to devote to cleaning was being taken up with far more important tasks. And as the dust bunnies multiplied and the piles of clutter grew taller, I began to feel overwhelmed.
What if someone dropped in for a visit? There was no way I could hide the growing mess. Worse, the disarray in the house was clouding my head. I couldn't concentrate well on my writing and other pursuits, because everywhere I turned, there was another unresolved housekeeping issue.
A breath of fresh air
My new housekeeper arrived today, and within a few hours, the house began to smell incredibly fresh. Her energy invigorated me and inspired me to clear my desk and throw away stacks of papers that had been mounting on every horizontal surface.
At the end of the day, I had accomplished more in just a few hours than I had in weeks. I parted with some of my money, but the peace of mind that the housekeeper brought was worth it.
I went out to an appointment and returned home this evening to glowing floors and the subtle scent of Murphy's Oil Soap. There is nothing sweeter than returning to a well-kept home. It provides us with a haven where we can relax and think clearly. And it prepares us for the rest we need to go back out into the world in the morning, full of confidence.
Having our spiritual house swept clean makes room for something new.
Jesus spoke to his followers about the importance of continued learning after becoming believers. We may make a clean sweep of our souls through faith in Christ, but if we don't work at maturing, we may be in danger of letting in evil things that we thought we had put behind us.
Jesus said, When a defiling evil spirit is expelled from someone, it drifts along through the desert looking for an oasis, some unsuspecting soul it can bedevil. When it doesn't find anyone, it says, 'I'll go back to my old haunt.' On return it finds the person spotlessly clean, but vacant. It then runs out and rounds up seven other spirits more evil than itself and they all move in, whooping it up. That person ends up far worse off than if he'd never gotten cleaned up in the first place. (Matt 12:43-44 MSG)
Maintaining our faith is similar to keeping up with our housework. It takes great effort in the beginning to whip both into shape, and each can be lost if we don't continue to look after them.
Taking care of our physical homes and our spiritual houses provides us with greater confidence. When our house is spotless, we don't worry about unexpected visitors. When we take care of our spiritual housekeeping through regular Bible reading, worship, and prayer, we don't get anxious about slipping back into old ways of living that separated us from God.
Today's Challenge
Does your house need a thorough cleaning? Does your spiritual life? Take a few minutes to consider the cleanliness of your home, as well as the cleanliness of your soul. If you need a housekeeper or a spiritual cleanse, find someone to help you get things in order.
A clean house gives us peace of mind.
For the past several months, my responsibilities outside of my home have been growing. Someone suggested that I hire a housekeeper, and I thought the idea sounded ridiculous. Surely, I could keep up with my little cottage. It's just the two of us at home now, along with one little poodle.
As the weeks turned into months, I began to realize that the time I used to devote to cleaning was being taken up with far more important tasks. And as the dust bunnies multiplied and the piles of clutter grew taller, I began to feel overwhelmed.
What if someone dropped in for a visit? There was no way I could hide the growing mess. Worse, the disarray in the house was clouding my head. I couldn't concentrate well on my writing and other pursuits, because everywhere I turned, there was another unresolved housekeeping issue.
A breath of fresh air
My new housekeeper arrived today, and within a few hours, the house began to smell incredibly fresh. Her energy invigorated me and inspired me to clear my desk and throw away stacks of papers that had been mounting on every horizontal surface.
At the end of the day, I had accomplished more in just a few hours than I had in weeks. I parted with some of my money, but the peace of mind that the housekeeper brought was worth it.
I went out to an appointment and returned home this evening to glowing floors and the subtle scent of Murphy's Oil Soap. There is nothing sweeter than returning to a well-kept home. It provides us with a haven where we can relax and think clearly. And it prepares us for the rest we need to go back out into the world in the morning, full of confidence.
Having our spiritual house swept clean makes room for something new.
Jesus spoke to his followers about the importance of continued learning after becoming believers. We may make a clean sweep of our souls through faith in Christ, but if we don't work at maturing, we may be in danger of letting in evil things that we thought we had put behind us.
Jesus said, When a defiling evil spirit is expelled from someone, it drifts along through the desert looking for an oasis, some unsuspecting soul it can bedevil. When it doesn't find anyone, it says, 'I'll go back to my old haunt.' On return it finds the person spotlessly clean, but vacant. It then runs out and rounds up seven other spirits more evil than itself and they all move in, whooping it up. That person ends up far worse off than if he'd never gotten cleaned up in the first place. (Matt 12:43-44 MSG)
Maintaining our faith is similar to keeping up with our housework. It takes great effort in the beginning to whip both into shape, and each can be lost if we don't continue to look after them.
Taking care of our physical homes and our spiritual houses provides us with greater confidence. When our house is spotless, we don't worry about unexpected visitors. When we take care of our spiritual housekeeping through regular Bible reading, worship, and prayer, we don't get anxious about slipping back into old ways of living that separated us from God.
Today's Challenge
Does your house need a thorough cleaning? Does your spiritual life? Take a few minutes to consider the cleanliness of your home, as well as the cleanliness of your soul. If you need a housekeeper or a spiritual cleanse, find someone to help you get things in order.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Dreams Do Come True!
We are learning about how to develop self-confidence during my series, Confident in God's Hands. But today, I want to talk about what happens when we place our confidence in God's ability to make our dreams come true.
The Green Canoe
A few years ago, I began reading books by various authors, both Christian and otherwise, about how powerful our dreams can be. When I say dreams, I don't mean the ones we see while we're sleeping. I'm talking about the ones that are planted in our hearts.
Joe really wanted a canoe when we moved to the lake, but we didn't have the money for one. So, I decided one day that I would look for a canoe along the route we would travel to a strawberry farm. On the way out of the house, I picked up the mail and discovered an unexpected tax refund check for $250. I tucked it into my checkbook and forgot about it.
I had this sense that I would find a green canoe sitting right next to the road with wooden paddles sticking up out of it. We drove for hours, and all the while, I was craning my neck. I saw yard sales, garage sales, houses for sale, but no canoes.
On the way home, I was so tired, I completely forgot about my search. I was half-asleep when I looked over and saw a green canoe practically sitting in the road, with two wooden paddles sticking up! I shouted at Joe to stop, and I think the poor guy nearly had heart failure.
I was convinced that this was my free canoe, but when Joe inquired about it, he discovered that it was $300. There was no way we could afford it, but I opened my checkbook to consider how I might pull off some bill-shuffling for Joe's sake. The government check for $250 fell out, and we convinced the seller to let us have the canoe for that amount.
The green canoe wasn't exactly free, but the purchase of it was a wash in my accounting system. When God puts a dream in our hearts, he finds creative ways to make them come true. This is why I stress repeatedly to readers and friends the importance of creating a vision board or a dream book that is filled with images of our dreams.
The Red Sedan
Today, my old car's transmission and radiator went out. The repairs far exceeded the value of the car, so I called Joe and asked him to pray for God to provide what we needed.
The salesman went through his inventory, looking for something within our budget. He only found two, and when we checked the lot, one had already been sold. That left a red sedan, which fit our budget and met my needs.
Ever since the green canoe miracle, I am much more keenly aware of God's working behind the scenes to make our dreams real. As I was test-driving the red sedan, I suddenly realized that I had pasted a picture of a nearly identical car in my dream book last year!
When I created that image in my head, God began to set things in motion to make my dream come true. I had no clue how it would happen, and I certainly didn't leave the house today with the intent of buying a car. But once again, God put the finances in place to make the purchase possible for us.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) tells us, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jesus said in Mark 11:24 (NIV), "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
Be bold in asking God for what you want! And have confidence in God's ability to provide. The Lord wants to bless us, but we must believe in his promises to prosper us. We must boldly pray when faced with challenges and wait expectantly for God to pull off something amazing.
Today's Challenge
What are your dreams? Have you told God about them? Have you written them down yet? Have you created a dream book or a vision board with magazine cut-outs, drawings, or brochures of what you want? There is tremendous power in God's promises, in faith, and in prayer. Dream big, ask, and believe with confidence that God can make just about any dream possible.
The Green Canoe
A few years ago, I began reading books by various authors, both Christian and otherwise, about how powerful our dreams can be. When I say dreams, I don't mean the ones we see while we're sleeping. I'm talking about the ones that are planted in our hearts.
Joe really wanted a canoe when we moved to the lake, but we didn't have the money for one. So, I decided one day that I would look for a canoe along the route we would travel to a strawberry farm. On the way out of the house, I picked up the mail and discovered an unexpected tax refund check for $250. I tucked it into my checkbook and forgot about it.
I had this sense that I would find a green canoe sitting right next to the road with wooden paddles sticking up out of it. We drove for hours, and all the while, I was craning my neck. I saw yard sales, garage sales, houses for sale, but no canoes.
On the way home, I was so tired, I completely forgot about my search. I was half-asleep when I looked over and saw a green canoe practically sitting in the road, with two wooden paddles sticking up! I shouted at Joe to stop, and I think the poor guy nearly had heart failure.
I was convinced that this was my free canoe, but when Joe inquired about it, he discovered that it was $300. There was no way we could afford it, but I opened my checkbook to consider how I might pull off some bill-shuffling for Joe's sake. The government check for $250 fell out, and we convinced the seller to let us have the canoe for that amount.
The green canoe wasn't exactly free, but the purchase of it was a wash in my accounting system. When God puts a dream in our hearts, he finds creative ways to make them come true. This is why I stress repeatedly to readers and friends the importance of creating a vision board or a dream book that is filled with images of our dreams.
The Red Sedan
Today, my old car's transmission and radiator went out. The repairs far exceeded the value of the car, so I called Joe and asked him to pray for God to provide what we needed.
The salesman went through his inventory, looking for something within our budget. He only found two, and when we checked the lot, one had already been sold. That left a red sedan, which fit our budget and met my needs.
Ever since the green canoe miracle, I am much more keenly aware of God's working behind the scenes to make our dreams real. As I was test-driving the red sedan, I suddenly realized that I had pasted a picture of a nearly identical car in my dream book last year!
When I created that image in my head, God began to set things in motion to make my dream come true. I had no clue how it would happen, and I certainly didn't leave the house today with the intent of buying a car. But once again, God put the finances in place to make the purchase possible for us.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) tells us, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jesus said in Mark 11:24 (NIV), "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
Be bold in asking God for what you want! And have confidence in God's ability to provide. The Lord wants to bless us, but we must believe in his promises to prosper us. We must boldly pray when faced with challenges and wait expectantly for God to pull off something amazing.
Today's Challenge
What are your dreams? Have you told God about them? Have you written them down yet? Have you created a dream book or a vision board with magazine cut-outs, drawings, or brochures of what you want? There is tremendous power in God's promises, in faith, and in prayer. Dream big, ask, and believe with confidence that God can make just about any dream possible.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Decorate to Express Your Personality
As survivors of abuse and trauma, we are learning how to become more confident during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, we take a look at how we express ourselves with our decorating style.
Does your interior decor express the true you?
Cleanliness and organization are pretty basic, so let's delve deeper into how we express ourselves through the design of our homes and work places. Do both your home and your work space give people an idea of who you are? Or are you expressing your spouse's personality more than your own? Do you even know enough about yourself to say that you prefer certain styles over others?
When we moved to our lake house a couple of years ago, I decided that I was not going to allow Joe's tastes in interior design to overshadow mine. He loves heavy, claw-footed antiques, dark fabrics, and leather. This style feels oppressive to me, and I had been living with it for nearly ten years.
There's an enormous rose bush with hot pink blooms growing outside our front door, so I decided that I would extend that theme into the house. No, I didn't paint all of the walls pink, but I do believe that my house says a lot about who I am.
I have always loved the English cottage style, so I chose lace curtains, cotton fabrics with roses on them, and subtle shades of gold, green, wine, and pink in every room. The only room that does not include pink is Joe's study, where his heavy, clawfoot desk remains with his dark cherry book shelves.
My house is both my home and my work space. By making it a place where I feel that I can express myself freely through the decorating style, I have become more confident when people come to visit.
Today's Challenge
Do you feel at home in your house or work place? Of have you allowed someone else's tastes to dictate how it will look? Did a designer convince you to decorate in a way that makes you feel out of sorts? Do whatever it takes to make your house and your work environment put you at ease. Feeling confident in your own surroundings puts you on the path of success every time you walk through the door.
Does your interior decor express the true you?
Cleanliness and organization are pretty basic, so let's delve deeper into how we express ourselves through the design of our homes and work places. Do both your home and your work space give people an idea of who you are? Or are you expressing your spouse's personality more than your own? Do you even know enough about yourself to say that you prefer certain styles over others?
When we moved to our lake house a couple of years ago, I decided that I was not going to allow Joe's tastes in interior design to overshadow mine. He loves heavy, claw-footed antiques, dark fabrics, and leather. This style feels oppressive to me, and I had been living with it for nearly ten years.
There's an enormous rose bush with hot pink blooms growing outside our front door, so I decided that I would extend that theme into the house. No, I didn't paint all of the walls pink, but I do believe that my house says a lot about who I am.
I have always loved the English cottage style, so I chose lace curtains, cotton fabrics with roses on them, and subtle shades of gold, green, wine, and pink in every room. The only room that does not include pink is Joe's study, where his heavy, clawfoot desk remains with his dark cherry book shelves.
My house is both my home and my work space. By making it a place where I feel that I can express myself freely through the decorating style, I have become more confident when people come to visit.
Today's Challenge
Do you feel at home in your house or work place? Of have you allowed someone else's tastes to dictate how it will look? Did a designer convince you to decorate in a way that makes you feel out of sorts? Do whatever it takes to make your house and your work environment put you at ease. Feeling confident in your own surroundings puts you on the path of success every time you walk through the door.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Who Does Your Home Say You Are?
As survivors of abuse and trauma, we are learning how to become more bold during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Yesterday, we considered how we express our personalities through our clothing. Today, I'd like to address personality expression in our homes and work places.
What does our environment tell others about us?
If our houses haven't been cleaned in years, and we have papers and boxes stacked up to the ceiling and in every corner, people get a definite impression about us. They may come to the conclusion that we're hoarders, or think that we're lazy, or perhaps understand that depression may make it difficult for us to get our homes in order.
I just finished talking with a cleaning woman about working for me. Whenever a professional like this comes into my house, I wonder what she thinks about me as a homemaker. How do I stack up against all of the other home owners that she serves? Can she see beyond the clutter and dust that I do care about how my home appears?
If someone walked into your house unexpectedly right now, would you feel embarrassed or confident? If your supervisor walked into your work zone without warning, would you be frantically trying to tidy up, or would you greet him confidently?
If the way we care for our homes or work spaces shames us, we must take measures to change things. In every area of our lives, our confidence can take a hit, without our even realizing it. Creating simplicity and tidy systems of organization at home and at work can really boost our self-esteem.
God's house reveals his personality.
Bible verses and people who have had near-death experiences tell us a lot about God's home for us in heaven. The streets are paved with gold, and there is a mansion there with many rooms. Heaven's residents are at peace, and beautiful music can be heard everywhere.
Psalm 26:8 (MSG) reads, God, I love living with you; your house glows with your glory. As a believer in Christ, I know that God's home here on earth is within our hearts. But when I look around my house, I frequently wonder how Jesus would feel if he stopped by for lunch. I am fairly confident that he feels at ease within my heart most of the time, but does my environment give him reason to say that he loves living with me?
Today's Challenge
Look at your home and your work space through another's eyes. What do these places say about you? Is it time to hire someone to help you de-clutter and keep things clean? If you can't afford help, ask a friend to work together with you every week or so for an hour or two until you get your environment to express the true you.
What does our environment tell others about us?
If our houses haven't been cleaned in years, and we have papers and boxes stacked up to the ceiling and in every corner, people get a definite impression about us. They may come to the conclusion that we're hoarders, or think that we're lazy, or perhaps understand that depression may make it difficult for us to get our homes in order.
I just finished talking with a cleaning woman about working for me. Whenever a professional like this comes into my house, I wonder what she thinks about me as a homemaker. How do I stack up against all of the other home owners that she serves? Can she see beyond the clutter and dust that I do care about how my home appears?
If someone walked into your house unexpectedly right now, would you feel embarrassed or confident? If your supervisor walked into your work zone without warning, would you be frantically trying to tidy up, or would you greet him confidently?
If the way we care for our homes or work spaces shames us, we must take measures to change things. In every area of our lives, our confidence can take a hit, without our even realizing it. Creating simplicity and tidy systems of organization at home and at work can really boost our self-esteem.
God's house reveals his personality.
Bible verses and people who have had near-death experiences tell us a lot about God's home for us in heaven. The streets are paved with gold, and there is a mansion there with many rooms. Heaven's residents are at peace, and beautiful music can be heard everywhere.
Psalm 26:8 (MSG) reads, God, I love living with you; your house glows with your glory. As a believer in Christ, I know that God's home here on earth is within our hearts. But when I look around my house, I frequently wonder how Jesus would feel if he stopped by for lunch. I am fairly confident that he feels at ease within my heart most of the time, but does my environment give him reason to say that he loves living with me?
Today's Challenge
Look at your home and your work space through another's eyes. What do these places say about you? Is it time to hire someone to help you de-clutter and keep things clean? If you can't afford help, ask a friend to work together with you every week or so for an hour or two until you get your environment to express the true you.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Express Your True Personality
We are learning how to improve our self-esteem through my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I would like to address the importance of expressing our true personalities.
Who do you say you are?
I believe that there are two ways for us to express our true personalities without ever opening our mouths. The first way lies in the way we dress, and the second in the way we structure our environments at home and at work. Today, we'll take a look at clothing styles, and tomorrow, we'll think about what our homes and offices tells others about us.
Who do your clothes say you are?
Our clothing reflects to the world who we believe we are. If we skip the shower and schlep into some holey sweat pants and a dirty t-shirt, we're letting the world know that we're either too tired or too depressed to care about much of anything.
If, as 50-year-olds, we go out into the world wearing mini skirts, 6-inch heels, and low-cut tops, we may be sending the message that we're trying too hard to recapture our youth or we're desperately hoping for a date.
At the opposite extreme, if we don ankle-length denim skirts, long sleeve blouses buttoned up to the throat, along with white Keds sneakers, we're letting the world know that we are highly conservative and extremely modest.
Why do we choose to dress the way we do? Whether we're the couch potato, the siren, or the ultra-conservative doesn't matter, as long as our clothing expresses who we truly are.
Many of us dress as we do, because we believe it's what our culture expects of us. We want to fit in, and we may end up looking like our neighbors or co-workers. The problem is, we may lose our true identities by becoming overly generic.
Dare to be different.
What if we move to a highly conservative town where everyone happens to wear khaki pants and polo shirts? Do we have to conform, or can we be ourselves? If we want to feel confident, I believe we must express who we truly are by choosing to wear whatever we want, as long as it doesn't draw inappropriate attention and isn't an excuse for updating our 1980s wardrobe.
I've mentioned before that where I live, most people see dressing up as putting on a pair of jeans and a clean t-shirt. I can't stand to go out into the world dressed like that, so I dare to be different.
I attended a seminar last weekend, wearing white capri pants and a pretty top. I had accessorized with a long beaded necklace and dangling black earrings. In a room full of people wearing jeans and t-shirts, I stood out from the crowd. Even though I knew nothing more than the rest of the attendees, people kept flocking around me all day to ask me for advice.
Why? I don't think it was because of the clothes, although I believe an attractively dressed woman does draw some attention. No, I think it has a lot more to do with the air of confidence that I exude when I feel good about how I look in those clothes.
People are attracted to others who look confident. It makes them think we're successsful, and they want what we have. And when everyone in the room is hovering around us because we seem like the most courageous person in the room, our confidence really gets a shot in the arm.
The Bible says that the world will follow confident people.
The apostles, Peter and John, were confident in a crowd, not because of their clothing, but because of their complete belief in the message they had to share about Jesus.
Acts 4:13 (MSG) tells us, They [the crowd] couldn't take their eyes off them—Peter and John standing there so confident, so sure of themselves! Their fascination deepened when they realized these two were laymen with no training in Scripture or formal education.
Even though Peter and John were not formally trained in theology, people were fascinated by what they had to say, simply because they exuded so much confidence! People were willing to listen to them and follow them around, just because they were so sure of themselves.
So, if we need to switch out our clothing to find our groove, let's do it! Dressing in a manner that truly expresses who we are gives us the confidence to stand out in a crowd.
Today's Challenge
Take some time today to look in a mirror and consider your clothing. Are you dressing to fit in with those around you? Or are you bold enough to dress in a way that expresses who you truly are? If you're looking generic, go shopping and try on different styles of clothing. Figure out which outfit expresses the true you and take it home. Take note when you wear your new clothing whether or not it boosts your confidence.
Who do you say you are?
I believe that there are two ways for us to express our true personalities without ever opening our mouths. The first way lies in the way we dress, and the second in the way we structure our environments at home and at work. Today, we'll take a look at clothing styles, and tomorrow, we'll think about what our homes and offices tells others about us.
Who do your clothes say you are?
Our clothing reflects to the world who we believe we are. If we skip the shower and schlep into some holey sweat pants and a dirty t-shirt, we're letting the world know that we're either too tired or too depressed to care about much of anything.
If, as 50-year-olds, we go out into the world wearing mini skirts, 6-inch heels, and low-cut tops, we may be sending the message that we're trying too hard to recapture our youth or we're desperately hoping for a date.
At the opposite extreme, if we don ankle-length denim skirts, long sleeve blouses buttoned up to the throat, along with white Keds sneakers, we're letting the world know that we are highly conservative and extremely modest.
Why do we choose to dress the way we do? Whether we're the couch potato, the siren, or the ultra-conservative doesn't matter, as long as our clothing expresses who we truly are.
Many of us dress as we do, because we believe it's what our culture expects of us. We want to fit in, and we may end up looking like our neighbors or co-workers. The problem is, we may lose our true identities by becoming overly generic.
Dare to be different.
What if we move to a highly conservative town where everyone happens to wear khaki pants and polo shirts? Do we have to conform, or can we be ourselves? If we want to feel confident, I believe we must express who we truly are by choosing to wear whatever we want, as long as it doesn't draw inappropriate attention and isn't an excuse for updating our 1980s wardrobe.
I've mentioned before that where I live, most people see dressing up as putting on a pair of jeans and a clean t-shirt. I can't stand to go out into the world dressed like that, so I dare to be different.
I attended a seminar last weekend, wearing white capri pants and a pretty top. I had accessorized with a long beaded necklace and dangling black earrings. In a room full of people wearing jeans and t-shirts, I stood out from the crowd. Even though I knew nothing more than the rest of the attendees, people kept flocking around me all day to ask me for advice.
Why? I don't think it was because of the clothes, although I believe an attractively dressed woman does draw some attention. No, I think it has a lot more to do with the air of confidence that I exude when I feel good about how I look in those clothes.
People are attracted to others who look confident. It makes them think we're successsful, and they want what we have. And when everyone in the room is hovering around us because we seem like the most courageous person in the room, our confidence really gets a shot in the arm.
The Bible says that the world will follow confident people.
The apostles, Peter and John, were confident in a crowd, not because of their clothing, but because of their complete belief in the message they had to share about Jesus.
Acts 4:13 (MSG) tells us, They [the crowd] couldn't take their eyes off them—Peter and John standing there so confident, so sure of themselves! Their fascination deepened when they realized these two were laymen with no training in Scripture or formal education.
Even though Peter and John were not formally trained in theology, people were fascinated by what they had to say, simply because they exuded so much confidence! People were willing to listen to them and follow them around, just because they were so sure of themselves.
So, if we need to switch out our clothing to find our groove, let's do it! Dressing in a manner that truly expresses who we are gives us the confidence to stand out in a crowd.
Today's Challenge
Take some time today to look in a mirror and consider your clothing. Are you dressing to fit in with those around you? Or are you bold enough to dress in a way that expresses who you truly are? If you're looking generic, go shopping and try on different styles of clothing. Figure out which outfit expresses the true you and take it home. Take note when you wear your new clothing whether or not it boosts your confidence.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
What Makes You Light Up?
We are learning how to be more courageous through my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I would like to consider the one thing in our lives that makes us light up on the inside like nothing else does. When we discover it, our confidence soars.
Pay attention to your soul's passion.
For each of us, there is one thing that really lights up our soul when we do it. In my case, that one thing is writing. When I sit down at the computer, words flow effortlessly. I lose track of time when working on novels, and I spend all of my free time daydreaming about my next plot twist or point of growth in a character.
That one thing that lights up our soul is the reason why we were sent to earth. It is our life's purpose. When we focus on fulfilling our purpose in this world, our confidence soars. Why? Because God has wired us to do this one thing better than anyone else can.
Many things bring us pleasure, but only one pursuit lights our fire.
We often get confused about what our purpose is, because many things bring us pleasure. In my case, I love playing the piano, dancing with a strong lead, and singing. Jumping over a six-foot brick wall on the back of a horse gives me a charge, and so does snuggling up on the sofa with my poodle.
But none of these things fulfill me as much as writing does. These activities fill my heart with joy, but I don't feel that the world would be worse off if I didn't pursue them.
I do, however, believe that without my voice, many survivors of abuse and trauma would continue to suffer. Knowing that I am helping a fellow survivor to thrive brings me incredible peace. When I hear from my readers that my words have encouraged them, my heart finds incredible joy.
Three tests for discovering our life's purpose
While many pursuits bring me pleasure, they are not my life's purpose. How do I know? There are three tests in figuring out what our purpose is:
1. It is something that consumes our thoughts during the day, enters into our dreams at night, and wakes us up with brilliant new insights most mornings.
2. It is an activity that we would be willing to engage in for at least eight hours every day for the rest of our lives, without ever getting tired of it. We lose all track of time when fulfilling our purpose.
3. We feel so passionate about our need to engage in this activity that we would be willing to do it without pay or recognition. There is a void in the world that we feel must be fulfilled, and we recognize that if we don't do it, no one else will.
God is the source of our soul's passion.
Jesus tells us in John 15:5 (MSG) I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.
This doesn't mean that we're supposed to literally grow grapes. Jesus used figures of speech to make many important points. His message here reminds us that we will discover our life's passion when we spend time daily reading the Bible and praying for direction. And once the Lord has revealed to us what we're supposed to be doing, he'll provide abundant success for us, as long as we remain firmly connected to him.
Today's Challenge
Have you identified your life's purpose? If not, begin thinking about which activities bring you pleasure. Take note of what you're dreaming about doing, and consider whether or not an activity is so important to you that you would do it all day long without pay. Ask God to direct you to that one thing which will light up your soul.
Pay attention to your soul's passion.
For each of us, there is one thing that really lights up our soul when we do it. In my case, that one thing is writing. When I sit down at the computer, words flow effortlessly. I lose track of time when working on novels, and I spend all of my free time daydreaming about my next plot twist or point of growth in a character.
That one thing that lights up our soul is the reason why we were sent to earth. It is our life's purpose. When we focus on fulfilling our purpose in this world, our confidence soars. Why? Because God has wired us to do this one thing better than anyone else can.
Many things bring us pleasure, but only one pursuit lights our fire.
We often get confused about what our purpose is, because many things bring us pleasure. In my case, I love playing the piano, dancing with a strong lead, and singing. Jumping over a six-foot brick wall on the back of a horse gives me a charge, and so does snuggling up on the sofa with my poodle.
But none of these things fulfill me as much as writing does. These activities fill my heart with joy, but I don't feel that the world would be worse off if I didn't pursue them.
I do, however, believe that without my voice, many survivors of abuse and trauma would continue to suffer. Knowing that I am helping a fellow survivor to thrive brings me incredible peace. When I hear from my readers that my words have encouraged them, my heart finds incredible joy.
Three tests for discovering our life's purpose
While many pursuits bring me pleasure, they are not my life's purpose. How do I know? There are three tests in figuring out what our purpose is:
1. It is something that consumes our thoughts during the day, enters into our dreams at night, and wakes us up with brilliant new insights most mornings.
2. It is an activity that we would be willing to engage in for at least eight hours every day for the rest of our lives, without ever getting tired of it. We lose all track of time when fulfilling our purpose.
3. We feel so passionate about our need to engage in this activity that we would be willing to do it without pay or recognition. There is a void in the world that we feel must be fulfilled, and we recognize that if we don't do it, no one else will.
God is the source of our soul's passion.
Jesus tells us in John 15:5 (MSG) I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.
This doesn't mean that we're supposed to literally grow grapes. Jesus used figures of speech to make many important points. His message here reminds us that we will discover our life's passion when we spend time daily reading the Bible and praying for direction. And once the Lord has revealed to us what we're supposed to be doing, he'll provide abundant success for us, as long as we remain firmly connected to him.
Today's Challenge
Have you identified your life's purpose? If not, begin thinking about which activities bring you pleasure. Take note of what you're dreaming about doing, and consider whether or not an activity is so important to you that you would do it all day long without pay. Ask God to direct you to that one thing which will light up your soul.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Give Yourself Credit for Past Successes
Welcome back to my series, Confident in God's Hands. We are learning how to build our self-esteem through practical changes which all of us can implement. Today, we are going to take a look at past successes.
Focus on the success, not the fear.
When I was a kindergarten teacher, I frequently encountered mothers who were very worried about their younger children, not the ones in my class. They would tell me that my current student had been potty trained early, and with little difficulty. But the sibling was months overdue...as far as the mother was concerned...in mastering the use of the potty.
I would always ask these mothers the same question: "Are you potty trained?"
They would inevitably laugh and say, "Of course!"
I would tell them, "You and I are both potty trained. Your kindergarten student is, too. The odds are good that this second child will eventually succeed...in his own time."
Like nervous mothers of pre-schoolers, we fear that we will never succeed at something which is important to us. We compare ourselves to others and become completely neurotic if we haven't done as well as our peers in the same period of time. This is ridiculous, and we must stop if we are going to ever achieve the success that God wants for us.
When does God want us to succeed?
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (MSG) tells us, There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth. God's timing always seems to be completely contrary to ours. We pin ourselves down to a schedule for succeeding and wind up making ourselves feel like failures when we don't reach our goals. This practice keeps us focused on failure, instead of success.
We must focus on our ability to succeed, not on our fears or our deadlines. Both can completely destroy our confidence. By looking back at our past successes and giving ourselves a little latitude with timing, we can think ourselves into future success.
Set goals, but remember past achievements, too.
It's great to set achievable goals and to put end dates on them, as long as we don't beat ourselves up if we're a little overdue. When we get hung up on what seems to be a failure, we must look back at what we've achieved.
After suffering a closed head injury a decade ago, I couldn't walk, talk, or type. Words came out of my mouth that made no sense, and my typing looked like Greek. I set goals for myself to quickly recover the abilities I had lost. God had something else in mind.
My recovery was anything but swift. It took me nine months to re-learn how to walk, talk, and type. I still struggle with residual issues, such as tremors and short-term memory loss. But today, when ongoing difficulties threaten to steal my confidence, I remind myself that I achieved some pretty big goals in the past. Focusing on those accomplishments gives me the courage to tackle whatever comes my way.
My mind is a powerful tool in this process, because I will get whatever I think I can do. If all I think of is failure, that's what I will continue to get. On the other hand, if I envision myself succeeding, I will most likely achieve my goals...when God thinks that the timing is right.
Celebrate both big and small successes.
Some successes may be big for us, such as learning to live at peace with a chronic illness, defeating the emotional pain caused by abuse, or bravely carrying the scars that remain after a traumatic event. Other successes may be little ones, such as dealing patiently with rude people, sitting peacefully in traffic jams, or recovering an important paper that was lost.
Whether our successes have been big or small, we must celebrate them all. If we're convinced that we'll never succeed at anything, we have to remember the little things, such as the fact that we're all potty trained. From that point onward, it becomes easier to remember that we are all successful, but in different ways and in God's time.
Today's Challenge
With pen and paper, sit down and list your lifetime achievements. It's easy to remember the big milestones, such as graduating from school or landing a job. But don't forget the small stuff, such as getting a gold star on a handwriting paper in third grade or befriending a new kid at school. When we add to this list daily and review it frequently, we bolster our confidence and empower ourselves to take on new challenges.
Focus on the success, not the fear.
When I was a kindergarten teacher, I frequently encountered mothers who were very worried about their younger children, not the ones in my class. They would tell me that my current student had been potty trained early, and with little difficulty. But the sibling was months overdue...as far as the mother was concerned...in mastering the use of the potty.
I would always ask these mothers the same question: "Are you potty trained?"
They would inevitably laugh and say, "Of course!"
I would tell them, "You and I are both potty trained. Your kindergarten student is, too. The odds are good that this second child will eventually succeed...in his own time."
Like nervous mothers of pre-schoolers, we fear that we will never succeed at something which is important to us. We compare ourselves to others and become completely neurotic if we haven't done as well as our peers in the same period of time. This is ridiculous, and we must stop if we are going to ever achieve the success that God wants for us.
When does God want us to succeed?
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (MSG) tells us, There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth. God's timing always seems to be completely contrary to ours. We pin ourselves down to a schedule for succeeding and wind up making ourselves feel like failures when we don't reach our goals. This practice keeps us focused on failure, instead of success.
We must focus on our ability to succeed, not on our fears or our deadlines. Both can completely destroy our confidence. By looking back at our past successes and giving ourselves a little latitude with timing, we can think ourselves into future success.
Set goals, but remember past achievements, too.
It's great to set achievable goals and to put end dates on them, as long as we don't beat ourselves up if we're a little overdue. When we get hung up on what seems to be a failure, we must look back at what we've achieved.
After suffering a closed head injury a decade ago, I couldn't walk, talk, or type. Words came out of my mouth that made no sense, and my typing looked like Greek. I set goals for myself to quickly recover the abilities I had lost. God had something else in mind.
My recovery was anything but swift. It took me nine months to re-learn how to walk, talk, and type. I still struggle with residual issues, such as tremors and short-term memory loss. But today, when ongoing difficulties threaten to steal my confidence, I remind myself that I achieved some pretty big goals in the past. Focusing on those accomplishments gives me the courage to tackle whatever comes my way.
My mind is a powerful tool in this process, because I will get whatever I think I can do. If all I think of is failure, that's what I will continue to get. On the other hand, if I envision myself succeeding, I will most likely achieve my goals...when God thinks that the timing is right.
Celebrate both big and small successes.
Some successes may be big for us, such as learning to live at peace with a chronic illness, defeating the emotional pain caused by abuse, or bravely carrying the scars that remain after a traumatic event. Other successes may be little ones, such as dealing patiently with rude people, sitting peacefully in traffic jams, or recovering an important paper that was lost.
Whether our successes have been big or small, we must celebrate them all. If we're convinced that we'll never succeed at anything, we have to remember the little things, such as the fact that we're all potty trained. From that point onward, it becomes easier to remember that we are all successful, but in different ways and in God's time.
Today's Challenge
With pen and paper, sit down and list your lifetime achievements. It's easy to remember the big milestones, such as graduating from school or landing a job. But don't forget the small stuff, such as getting a gold star on a handwriting paper in third grade or befriending a new kid at school. When we add to this list daily and review it frequently, we bolster our confidence and empower ourselves to take on new challenges.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Admit Your Mistakes and Move On
We are learning how to be more courageous through my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I would like to consider how we get mired down by our past. As survivors, many of us get stuck there, because we believe that we can't shake off the mistakes we've made.
Even successful people make mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes, but truly successful people don't give up. Consider some famous people who overcame their past mistakes to achieve incredible success.
In his early years, teachers told Thomas Edison that he was "too stupid to learn anything." He didn't fare much better in his career, either. He was fired from his first two jobs for not being productive enough. Even as an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. Of course, all those unsuccessful attempts finally resulted in the design that worked.
Most people know Oprah as one of the most iconic faces on TV. However, she was fired from her job as a television reporter, because she was told that she was "unfit for tv." But she didn't let her past mistakes dictate who she would become, and today she is one of the richest and most successful women in the world.
Back in 1954, Elvis Presley was a nobody, and Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired Elvis after just one performance. He told him, "You ain't goin' nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck." Elvis didn't let his mistakes stop him, and he went on to become one of the most memorable musicians of the twentieth century.
God loved us first.
The Bible tells us, My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can't know him if you don't love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God.
(1 John 4:8 MSG)
We can see from this passage that God loved us first, and then he sent Jesus to die for our sins. It doesn't say that he waited for us to be perfect, and then he sent Jesus to take us to heaven. So if we're bypassing opportunities because we feel that we don't measure up in God's sight, it's time to rethink how we're operating. With God on our side, we can admit our mistakes and get on with our lives.
Move on.
If we're holding ourselves back because of mistakes we've made in the past, we must admit where we've gone wrong, learn from our errors, and move on. By constantly self-checking and improving our outcomes, we can succeed.
If other people are telling us that we're making mistakes, we must consider whether or not there is any truth in what they're saying. If there is, we will have to work at changing. If they're simply the type of people who constantly drag us down with criticism, we must ignore them or leave them behind.
God knows where we are going in this life and in the next. We can't let our mistakes of the past or other people's opinions of us hold us back. With a little faith in ourselves and belief in God's love for us, we can accomplish just about anything.
Today's Challenge
Decide today to take a chance on something you've always wanted to do, even if you have always believed that your past failures will hold you back. Admit your mistakes, learn from them, and move on!
Even successful people make mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes, but truly successful people don't give up. Consider some famous people who overcame their past mistakes to achieve incredible success.
In his early years, teachers told Thomas Edison that he was "too stupid to learn anything." He didn't fare much better in his career, either. He was fired from his first two jobs for not being productive enough. Even as an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. Of course, all those unsuccessful attempts finally resulted in the design that worked.
Most people know Oprah as one of the most iconic faces on TV. However, she was fired from her job as a television reporter, because she was told that she was "unfit for tv." But she didn't let her past mistakes dictate who she would become, and today she is one of the richest and most successful women in the world.
Back in 1954, Elvis Presley was a nobody, and Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired Elvis after just one performance. He told him, "You ain't goin' nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck." Elvis didn't let his mistakes stop him, and he went on to become one of the most memorable musicians of the twentieth century.
God loved us first.
The Bible tells us, My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can't know him if you don't love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God.
(1 John 4:8 MSG)
We can see from this passage that God loved us first, and then he sent Jesus to die for our sins. It doesn't say that he waited for us to be perfect, and then he sent Jesus to take us to heaven. So if we're bypassing opportunities because we feel that we don't measure up in God's sight, it's time to rethink how we're operating. With God on our side, we can admit our mistakes and get on with our lives.
Move on.
If we're holding ourselves back because of mistakes we've made in the past, we must admit where we've gone wrong, learn from our errors, and move on. By constantly self-checking and improving our outcomes, we can succeed.
If other people are telling us that we're making mistakes, we must consider whether or not there is any truth in what they're saying. If there is, we will have to work at changing. If they're simply the type of people who constantly drag us down with criticism, we must ignore them or leave them behind.
God knows where we are going in this life and in the next. We can't let our mistakes of the past or other people's opinions of us hold us back. With a little faith in ourselves and belief in God's love for us, we can accomplish just about anything.
Today's Challenge
Decide today to take a chance on something you've always wanted to do, even if you have always believed that your past failures will hold you back. Admit your mistakes, learn from them, and move on!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Learn to Say No
We're learning about gaining confidence in my series, Confident in God's Hands. I've pointed out that we may often get ourselves involved in chaotic relationships, jobs, or other situations which make us feel as if all we're doing is putting out fires. Today, I'd like to provide some simple ways to help you learn how to quit the fire department.
Assertiveness 101
As a Stephen Minister, the first thing I learned was that we must be assertive. Without the skills to say no to some things, we can get ourselves into some really unhealthy situations.
When I was working with care receivers, there was no way I could say yes to all of their demands. They were terribly needy people, and giving all of my time and energy to them would have drained me completely.
I had never been assertive in my life, and that's why I had fallen victim to so many abusers over the years. Stephen Ministry training changed everything for me, because it taught me how to stand up for myself and set boundaries.
Do's and Don'ts When Saying No
Becoming assertive is a lot easier than we believe it to be. We create limits for ourselves, and when someone asks us to do something beyond those limits, we simply say no. When we have to tell someone that we cannot fulfill their request on our time, there are some things we should do and some things we should not.
First of all, we tell them up front that we're declining their request.
For example, I may decide that I don't want to attend a party for someone I barely know. The right way to assertively decline the invitation would sound like this: "Susie, I'm calling to say that I won't be able to make it to your party. Thank you for inviting me. I hope you have a good time." Simple, to the point, and perfectly assertive.
An inappropriate response could swing in one of two directions. We can become overly aggressive and come across as angry, which doesn't do anything for our relationships with others, even if we don't know them well. An aggressive response would go like this: "Susie, I don't know why on earth you thought I would ever consider coming to your party. I don't even know you. I'm not coming, and I don't want you ever calling me again." Way too harsh, with unwarranted anger.
As survivors of abuse, we tend to swing in the opposite direction and come across as completely passive. The phone call would sound like this: "Hi, Susie. How are you?" We'd listen to her telling us all about her life for ten minutes, all the while squirming about how she's going to react when we tell her we aren't coming to her party.
Eventually, we'd say in a wimpy little voice, "I really want to come to your party. I know it's going to be such fun. I'm so sorry, but I really can't be there. You see, I've got to groom the dog, take the kids to a soccer game, bake a cake for my mother-in-lawy's birthday party, and call all of the members of the PTA about the meeting next week. If I just had more time, I'd just love to be there." Too apologetic, too many excuses, and incredibly cowardly.
Our passive phone call opens the door to Susie talking us into coming to her party, even though we're already over-committed. We end up going to it, all the while checking our watch because we're late for picking up the kids from their game, and we're worried about baking a cake and talking to all of the PTA members. We feel miserable about being at the party, and perhaps anger toward Susie causes us to behave grumpily with her guests.
What does God think about assertiveness?
In ancient Israel, a young Jewish woman named Esther was chosen from among thousands of beauties to become the queen. Because she was both insightful and confident, she knew how to make an assertive request from the fearsome king, who often put people to death just for walking into his throne room. She waited for the right moment to talk to him.
An evil man in the king's service had issued a decree that all Jews must be killed, including Esther. The king was unaware that the order would bring Esther's life to an end. Esther 7:3-4 (MSG) provides us with an excellent example of assertiveness:
Queen Esther answered, "If I have found favor in your eyes, O King, and if it please the king, give me my life, and give my people their lives. We've been sold, I and my people, to be destroyed—sold to be massacred, eliminated. If we had just been sold off into slavery, I wouldn't even have brought it up; our troubles wouldn't have been worth bothering the king over."
Esther waits for an opportune time and then states her request up front. She wants the king to spare her life and the lives of her fellow Jews. She explains what has happened and why it is important to her. Then she shuts up and waits for the king's response. Within minutes, the king orders the man who was responsible for the decree to be executed.
Esther went down in history as one of the most confident and courageous women of all time. She chose the right moment to speak, and she did so assertively. No apologies, no long explanations, just the facts combined with some respect. This is a perfect example of assertiveness, and if we can learn to imitate it, we can show others that they must treat us with the same degree of respect that we have for ourselves.
The Three Rules of Assertiveness
God wants us to be as assertive as Esther was. When we make requests of people or decline their demands on our time, it is important to remember three things:
1) We must choose an opportune time to respectfully state our limits clearly and succinctly up front;
2) We must never apologize for setting boundaries around ourselves; and
3) We must not provide excuses or long explanations for our requests.
All of us can become more assertive by following this simple three-step process. It changed my life, and I'm certain it will change yours if you're willing to give it a try.
Today's Challenge
If you're really wimpy about setting boundaries around yourself and your time, find a friend to help you role-play assertive conversations. Act out the overly aggressive response and have some good laughs. Try on the passive conversation and discover how much you have used it in the past. Then, give the assertive approach your best effort, and find out how it feels. With a little practice, you'll soon see how easy it is to get what you need without feeling guilty or angry.
Assertiveness 101
As a Stephen Minister, the first thing I learned was that we must be assertive. Without the skills to say no to some things, we can get ourselves into some really unhealthy situations.
When I was working with care receivers, there was no way I could say yes to all of their demands. They were terribly needy people, and giving all of my time and energy to them would have drained me completely.
I had never been assertive in my life, and that's why I had fallen victim to so many abusers over the years. Stephen Ministry training changed everything for me, because it taught me how to stand up for myself and set boundaries.
Do's and Don'ts When Saying No
Becoming assertive is a lot easier than we believe it to be. We create limits for ourselves, and when someone asks us to do something beyond those limits, we simply say no. When we have to tell someone that we cannot fulfill their request on our time, there are some things we should do and some things we should not.
First of all, we tell them up front that we're declining their request.
For example, I may decide that I don't want to attend a party for someone I barely know. The right way to assertively decline the invitation would sound like this: "Susie, I'm calling to say that I won't be able to make it to your party. Thank you for inviting me. I hope you have a good time." Simple, to the point, and perfectly assertive.
An inappropriate response could swing in one of two directions. We can become overly aggressive and come across as angry, which doesn't do anything for our relationships with others, even if we don't know them well. An aggressive response would go like this: "Susie, I don't know why on earth you thought I would ever consider coming to your party. I don't even know you. I'm not coming, and I don't want you ever calling me again." Way too harsh, with unwarranted anger.
As survivors of abuse, we tend to swing in the opposite direction and come across as completely passive. The phone call would sound like this: "Hi, Susie. How are you?" We'd listen to her telling us all about her life for ten minutes, all the while squirming about how she's going to react when we tell her we aren't coming to her party.
Eventually, we'd say in a wimpy little voice, "I really want to come to your party. I know it's going to be such fun. I'm so sorry, but I really can't be there. You see, I've got to groom the dog, take the kids to a soccer game, bake a cake for my mother-in-lawy's birthday party, and call all of the members of the PTA about the meeting next week. If I just had more time, I'd just love to be there." Too apologetic, too many excuses, and incredibly cowardly.
Our passive phone call opens the door to Susie talking us into coming to her party, even though we're already over-committed. We end up going to it, all the while checking our watch because we're late for picking up the kids from their game, and we're worried about baking a cake and talking to all of the PTA members. We feel miserable about being at the party, and perhaps anger toward Susie causes us to behave grumpily with her guests.
What does God think about assertiveness?
In ancient Israel, a young Jewish woman named Esther was chosen from among thousands of beauties to become the queen. Because she was both insightful and confident, she knew how to make an assertive request from the fearsome king, who often put people to death just for walking into his throne room. She waited for the right moment to talk to him.
An evil man in the king's service had issued a decree that all Jews must be killed, including Esther. The king was unaware that the order would bring Esther's life to an end. Esther 7:3-4 (MSG) provides us with an excellent example of assertiveness:
Queen Esther answered, "If I have found favor in your eyes, O King, and if it please the king, give me my life, and give my people their lives. We've been sold, I and my people, to be destroyed—sold to be massacred, eliminated. If we had just been sold off into slavery, I wouldn't even have brought it up; our troubles wouldn't have been worth bothering the king over."
Esther waits for an opportune time and then states her request up front. She wants the king to spare her life and the lives of her fellow Jews. She explains what has happened and why it is important to her. Then she shuts up and waits for the king's response. Within minutes, the king orders the man who was responsible for the decree to be executed.
Esther went down in history as one of the most confident and courageous women of all time. She chose the right moment to speak, and she did so assertively. No apologies, no long explanations, just the facts combined with some respect. This is a perfect example of assertiveness, and if we can learn to imitate it, we can show others that they must treat us with the same degree of respect that we have for ourselves.
The Three Rules of Assertiveness
God wants us to be as assertive as Esther was. When we make requests of people or decline their demands on our time, it is important to remember three things:
1) We must choose an opportune time to respectfully state our limits clearly and succinctly up front;
2) We must never apologize for setting boundaries around ourselves; and
3) We must not provide excuses or long explanations for our requests.
All of us can become more assertive by following this simple three-step process. It changed my life, and I'm certain it will change yours if you're willing to give it a try.
Today's Challenge
If you're really wimpy about setting boundaries around yourself and your time, find a friend to help you role-play assertive conversations. Act out the overly aggressive response and have some good laughs. Try on the passive conversation and discover how much you have used it in the past. Then, give the assertive approach your best effort, and find out how it feels. With a little practice, you'll soon see how easy it is to get what you need without feeling guilty or angry.
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