Learn to Say No

We're learning about gaining confidence in my series, Confident in God's Hands. I've pointed out that we may often get ourselves involved in chaotic relationships, jobs, or other situations which make us feel as if all we're doing is putting out fires. Today, I'd like to provide some simple ways to help you learn how to quit the fire department.

Assertiveness 101
As a Stephen Minister, the first thing I learned was that we must be assertive. Without the skills to say no to some things, we can get ourselves into some really unhealthy situations.

When I was working with care receivers, there was no way I could say yes to all of their demands. They were terribly needy people, and giving all of my time and energy to them would have drained me completely.

I had never been assertive in my life, and that's why I had fallen victim to so many abusers over the years. Stephen Ministry training changed everything for me, because it taught me how to stand up for myself and set boundaries.

Do's and Don'ts When Saying No
Becoming assertive is a lot easier than we believe it to be. We create limits for ourselves, and when someone asks us to do something beyond those limits, we simply say no. When we have to tell someone that we cannot fulfill their request on our time, there are some things we should do and some things we should not.

First of all, we tell them up front that we're declining their request.
For example, I may decide that I don't want to attend a party for someone I barely know. The right way to assertively decline the invitation would sound like this: "Susie, I'm calling to say that I won't be able to make it to your party. Thank you for inviting me. I hope you have a good time." Simple, to the point, and perfectly assertive.

An inappropriate response could swing in one of two directions. We can become overly aggressive and come across as angry, which doesn't do anything for our relationships with others, even if we don't know them well. An aggressive response would go like this: "Susie, I don't know why on earth you thought I would ever consider coming to your party. I don't even know you. I'm not coming, and I don't want you ever calling me again." Way too harsh, with unwarranted anger.

As survivors of abuse, we tend to swing in the opposite direction and come across as completely passive. The phone call would sound like this: "Hi, Susie. How are you?" We'd listen to her telling us all about her life for ten minutes, all the while squirming about how she's going to react when we tell her we aren't coming to her party.

Eventually, we'd say in a wimpy little voice, "I really want to come to your party. I know it's going to be such fun. I'm so sorry, but I really can't be there. You see, I've got to groom the dog, take the kids to a soccer game, bake a cake for my mother-in-lawy's birthday party, and call all of the members of the PTA about the meeting next week. If I just had more time, I'd just love to be there." Too apologetic, too many excuses, and incredibly cowardly.

Our passive phone call opens the door to Susie talking us into coming to her party, even though we're already over-committed. We end up going to it, all the while checking our watch because we're late for picking up the kids from their game, and we're worried about baking a cake and talking to all of the PTA members. We feel miserable about being at the party, and perhaps anger toward Susie causes us to behave grumpily with her guests.

What does God think about assertiveness?
In ancient Israel, a young Jewish woman named Esther was chosen from among thousands of beauties to become the queen. Because she was both insightful and confident, she knew how to make an assertive request from the fearsome king, who often put people to death just for walking into his throne room. She waited for the right moment to talk to him.

An evil man in the king's service had issued a decree that all Jews must be killed, including Esther. The king was unaware that the order would bring Esther's life to an end. Esther 7:3-4 (MSG) provides us with an excellent example of assertiveness:

Queen Esther answered, "If I have found favor in your eyes, O King, and if it please the king, give me my life, and give my people their lives. We've been sold, I and my people, to be destroyed—sold to be massacred, eliminated. If we had just been sold off into slavery, I wouldn't even have brought it up; our troubles wouldn't have been worth bothering the king over."

Esther waits for an opportune time and then states her request up front. She wants the king to spare her life and the lives of her fellow Jews. She explains what has happened and why it is important to her. Then she shuts up and waits for the king's response. Within minutes, the king orders the man who was responsible for the decree to be executed.

Esther went down in history as one of the most confident and courageous women of all time. She chose the right moment to speak, and she did so assertively. No apologies, no long explanations, just the facts combined with some respect. This is a perfect example of assertiveness, and if we can learn to imitate it, we can show others that they must treat us with the same degree of respect that we have for ourselves.

The Three Rules of Assertiveness
God wants us to be as assertive as Esther was. When we make requests of people or decline their demands on our time, it is important to remember three things:

1) We must choose an opportune time to respectfully state our limits clearly and succinctly up front;
2) We must never apologize for setting boundaries around ourselves; and
3) We must not provide excuses or long explanations for our requests.

All of us can become more assertive by following this simple three-step process. It changed my life, and I'm certain it will change yours if you're willing to give it a try.

Today's Challenge
If you're really wimpy about setting boundaries around yourself and your time, find a friend to help you role-play assertive conversations. Act out the overly aggressive response and have some good laughs. Try on the passive conversation and discover how much you have used it in the past. Then, give the assertive approach your best effort, and find out how it feels. With a little practice, you'll soon see how easy it is to get what you need without feeling guilty or angry.