Learn to Say No

We're learning about gaining confidence in my series, Confident in God's Hands. I've pointed out that we may often get ourselves involved in chaotic relationships, jobs, or other situations which make us feel as if all we're doing is putting out fires. Today, I'd like to provide some simple ways to help you learn how to quit the fire department.

Assertiveness 101
As a Stephen Minister, the first thing I learned was that we must be assertive. Without the skills to say no to some things, we can get ourselves into some really unhealthy situations.

When I was working with care receivers, there was no way I could say yes to all of their demands. They were terribly needy people, and giving all of my time and energy to them would have drained me completely.

I had never been assertive in my life, and that's why I had fallen victim to so many abusers over the years. Stephen Ministry training changed everything for me, because it taught me how to stand up for myself and set boundaries.

Do's and Don'ts When Saying No
Becoming assertive is a lot easier than we believe it to be. We create limits for ourselves, and when someone asks us to do something beyond those limits, we simply say no. When we have to tell someone that we cannot fulfill their request on our time, there are some things we should do and some things we should not.

First of all, we tell them up front that we're declining their request.
For example, I may decide that I don't want to attend a party for someone I barely know. The right way to assertively decline the invitation would sound like this: "Susie, I'm calling to say that I won't be able to make it to your party. Thank you for inviting me. I hope you have a good time." Simple, to the point, and perfectly assertive.

An inappropriate response could swing in one of two directions. We can become overly aggressive and come across as angry, which doesn't do anything for our relationships with others, even if we don't know them well. An aggressive response would go like this: "Susie, I don't know why on earth you thought I would ever consider coming to your party. I don't even know you. I'm not coming, and I don't want you ever calling me again." Way too harsh, with unwarranted anger.

As survivors of abuse, we tend to swing in the opposite direction and come across as completely passive. The phone call would sound like this: "Hi, Susie. How are you?" We'd listen to her telling us all about her life for ten minutes, all the while squirming about how she's going to react when we tell her we aren't coming to her party.

Eventually, we'd say in a wimpy little voice, "I really want to come to your party. I know it's going to be such fun. I'm so sorry, but I really can't be there. You see, I've got to groom the dog, take the kids to a soccer game, bake a cake for my mother-in-lawy's birthday party, and call all of the members of the PTA about the meeting next week. If I just had more time, I'd just love to be there." Too apologetic, too many excuses, and incredibly cowardly.

Our passive phone call opens the door to Susie talking us into coming to her party, even though we're already over-committed. We end up going to it, all the while checking our watch because we're late for picking up the kids from their game, and we're worried about baking a cake and talking to all of the PTA members. We feel miserable about being at the party, and perhaps anger toward Susie causes us to behave grumpily with her guests.

What does God think about assertiveness?
In ancient Israel, a young Jewish woman named Esther was chosen from among thousands of beauties to become the queen. Because she was both insightful and confident, she knew how to make an assertive request from the fearsome king, who often put people to death just for walking into his throne room. She waited for the right moment to talk to him.

An evil man in the king's service had issued a decree that all Jews must be killed, including Esther. The king was unaware that the order would bring Esther's life to an end. Esther 7:3-4 (MSG) provides us with an excellent example of assertiveness:

Queen Esther answered, "If I have found favor in your eyes, O King, and if it please the king, give me my life, and give my people their lives. We've been sold, I and my people, to be destroyed—sold to be massacred, eliminated. If we had just been sold off into slavery, I wouldn't even have brought it up; our troubles wouldn't have been worth bothering the king over."

Esther waits for an opportune time and then states her request up front. She wants the king to spare her life and the lives of her fellow Jews. She explains what has happened and why it is important to her. Then she shuts up and waits for the king's response. Within minutes, the king orders the man who was responsible for the decree to be executed.

Esther went down in history as one of the most confident and courageous women of all time. She chose the right moment to speak, and she did so assertively. No apologies, no long explanations, just the facts combined with some respect. This is a perfect example of assertiveness, and if we can learn to imitate it, we can show others that they must treat us with the same degree of respect that we have for ourselves.

The Three Rules of Assertiveness
God wants us to be as assertive as Esther was. When we make requests of people or decline their demands on our time, it is important to remember three things:

1) We must choose an opportune time to respectfully state our limits clearly and succinctly up front;
2) We must never apologize for setting boundaries around ourselves; and
3) We must not provide excuses or long explanations for our requests.

All of us can become more assertive by following this simple three-step process. It changed my life, and I'm certain it will change yours if you're willing to give it a try.

Today's Challenge
If you're really wimpy about setting boundaries around yourself and your time, find a friend to help you role-play assertive conversations. Act out the overly aggressive response and have some good laughs. Try on the passive conversation and discover how much you have used it in the past. Then, give the assertive approach your best effort, and find out how it feels. With a little practice, you'll soon see how easy it is to get what you need without feeling guilty or angry.

Imagine Your Future

My series, Confident in God's Garden, continues with some thoughts about looking ahead at the future. We've learned that, as survivors of abuse or trauma, we can be some of the most fearful people on the planet.

Through this series, we've taken some steps to change our outward appearance so that we feel a little more courageous...better equipped for the battles ahead. If we truly want to become bolder, though, we must change what's on the inside, too.

Imagine a fairy tale ending.
Fairy tales have always been popular, because they give readers hope. The author typically introduces a young girl, trapped in an unhappy childhood, and creates a marvelous future for her. When she achieves her dreams, the reader feels satisfied and uplifted.

Snow White danced around, singing Someday My Prince Will Come. She understood the importance of keeping her eyes on what could be, not what was. Hope gave her the courage to keep on moving through life, dreaming of a better future. Eventually, her dreams came true with the arrival of her prince.

We must imagine ourselves in the future, confident, happy, and satisfied. Getting there won't be easy, but if we think about where we want to end up, we can figure out what we need along the way.

What are God's dreams for our future?
God's got a definite plan for our future with him in heaven. Way back when he created the world, our final destinies were already in his plans. To get us to our end destination, he has orchestrated our arrival on earth at exactly the right time. He placed us in our families--even the most dysfunctional ones--where we would learn the skills that we would need for our future lives.

God knew that we would mess things up and get sidetracked along the way. He realized that we would need tremendous hope to keep on going in this challenging world. That's why he sent Jesus to die on a cross to keep sin from separating us from him. Because of God's great love for us, our futures are clearly defined.

God sent Jeremiah, a prophet, to give the Israelites an encouraging message. This same promise still holds true for us and for our future. I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. (Jeremiah 29:11b MSG)

Notice that the final phrase says that God has plans to give us the future that we hope for. So many Christians sit back and say that they're waiting on God to tell them what to do. I think they're wasting a lot of precious time, because they fail to engage their minds to discover their purpose for being here.

God has put desires into our hearts for a reason. Those desires are simply his blueprint for our lives. Anything good that we can imagine, God put there in the first place. Our dreams take us where God wants us to go when we step out with courage and put them into action.

Today's Challenge
Imagine your future self as confident, happy, and satisfied. Write down today what you are doing in your dream. Snow White's specific vision was for a prince to come into her life. What's yours? If you're drawing a blank, pray for God's dreams for your future to become clear to you.

Do Good to Those Who Hate You

We conclude this week's lessons on goodness with the thought that we should do good to those who hate us. Next week, we will turn our thoughts to faithfulness as we continue our series, Thriving in God's Garden. These lessons are all based on the fruit of the Spirit, which can be found in Galatians 5:22.

Love your enemies.
As survivors of abuse and trauma, it is often difficult for us to carry out this command, which is found in Luke 6:27 (NIV): But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. How can we love someone who has hurt us so deeply?

We have considered this previously, and the only way I know of to love my enemy is to try and see him as God does. God loves all people, whom he created to become like him. If I look through the eyes of God's love, I can find a way to love people who are considered unloveable by mankind.

Express your love appropriately.
There are appropriate ways to express love to others. Consider this. If the President rang your doorbell, how would you greet him? Most Americans would offer him a handshake and invite him inside for coffee or iced tea. This would be appropriate, given the President's reputation and position of leadership.

On the other hand, if Osama bin Laden had showed up on your doorstep and you recognized him, you would have been wise to greet him much differently. His reputation for evil acts should have spurred you on to swiftly close the door, lock it, and call the cops. Then, you could have prayed within the safety of your home, asking God to soften Bin Laden's heart and to bring him to repentance.

The methods we use to determine how to love our abusers should be no different from the ways we decide to greet the President or Osama bin Laden. Love for our abusers does not necessarily mean that we invite them in for tea.

I was once pursued by a stalker, and I can assure you that inviting him into my home would have reactivated his need to control me. Our personal safety is much more important than figuring out some way to openly express love to such enemies. It is best, in cases like these, to love the person from a distance through prayer.

Do good to those who hate you.
Most abusers and stalkers do not hate us. In fact, they often love us to such an extreme that they must possess us. Therefore, I think it is actually easier to do good to other people who simply hate us than it is to do good to those who love us inappropriately.

Often, we are hated by people who can't stand the goodness in us. Their own evil ways make them feel so guilty, they squirm when they are in our presence. I have been called a goody-two-shoes, Church Lady Cheryl, and many other unkind names because of my faith.

How do we respond to people like this? I see them as God does: broken and miserable sinners who, like Satan, cannot tolerate to be in the presence of Christ. The most loving thing I can do in response to their harassment is to continue doing what I always do. I don't preach at them or respond to their sarcastic remarks. But I don't change my typical way of living out my faith, either.

We used to live next door to a woman who was a heavy drinker and smoker. She knew that Joe was a minister, and she frequently let fly with a string of curses before she realized that my husband was within earshot in the yard. She would make sarcastic remarks about having to watch her language if he was around.

Joe never preached to this woman about her sins. He greeted her pleasantly and made small talk, using language that was appropriate with her. He never joined her and the other neighbors in drinking alcochol or smoking.

Joe's example stood in stark contrast to our neighbor's behavior and provided her and her children with a far stronger message than any preaching could have. His actions showed perfectly how to do good to people who hate us and the goodness of God that dwells within us.

Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who hates you or the goodness within you? Strive to imitate God as much as possible through your actions in order to do good to them. Use very few words to make the point that you love them.