Control Your Emotions

It's hard to believe that we have arrived at the last day of my nine-week series on the fruit of the Spirit, Thriving in God's Garden. We conclude with a look at learning better self-control over our emotions.

Are your emotions controlling you?
Proverbs 14:30 (MSG) tells us, A sound mind makes for a robust body, but runaway emotions corrode the bones. In other words, if we allow our emotions to control us, they will affect every aspect of our lives, including our health.

Are your emotions controlling you? Does depression prevent you from enjoying activities with your mate and family? Is anxiety robbing you of the joys most people experience? Read on to discover how to turn off these negative emotions and tap into the joy God desires for all of us.

Abuse and trauma make us pessimistic.
Negative emotions, such as fear, anxiety, anger, depression, and hopelessness can take over our minds if we are not careful. As survivors of childhood abuse or trauma, we have learned these negative feelings as a result of our pain.

Abuse or trauma causes our brains to instantly respond negatively to everything we encounter, because we have been programmed to expect the worst. By anticipating the worst, we were empowered during the abuse or trauma to survive. This survival instinct is not necessary in everyday life where abuse and trauma are no longer present, but many of us never figure out how to lose our negativity and become like normal people again.

Trauma changes our perceptions.
Joe often teases me, because he says I can look at any situation and see the worst possible outcome. This is very true, and it has served me well as a mystery/suspense author. My twisted view of people allows me to create sociopaths in my novels who find inventive ways to torment and kill others.

But the down side of such a pessimistic outlook is that it can create anxiety and depression if I'm not careful. I must constantly reframe every reaction I have and put a positive spin on it.

Let me give you an example. If someone announces that they're adopting a child, my immediate thought process goes something like this: They're fools. The adoption agency has lied to them about the kid's mental and physical state. They're going to wind up with more trouble than the kid will be worth.

This jaded view of adoption evolved within my mind after Joe and I adopted eight-year-old twins from Ethiopia. They had disrupted a previous adoption, and we were told by the adoption agency that they were very normal little girls who had simply been placed in the wrong home.

It became apparent within just a few weeks that these two broken little souls were beyond repair. We spent all of our free time for nearly two years in hospitals and psychologists' offices, trying to figure out how to cope. My life became a waking nightmare, as each of the twins tried to commit suicide in order to escape the love of our family. In the end, we had to place them in a group home for children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD).

Our issues with the twins represent a very tiny percentage of adoption outcomes. But the experience was so traumatic that it left me with a warped perception of what adoption generally means to people.

We must control our emotions.
I must constantly reframe my emotions from the negative to the positive. My knee-jerk reaction to news of an adoption is always negative. But, I have learned through cognitive restructuring to tell myself that not all adoptions end badly.

I remind myself to look for the positives in the situation, such as the joy of parenting when it has been impossible, and the comfort of having parents forever. By taking control of what I am thinking and replacing negative reactions with a more positive outlook, I can find joy in situations that used to cause nothing but despair.

Look to God for hope.
The best cure for negative emotions that I have found is the Bible. God makes promises in every chapter to love us, provide for us, and guide us. But it's hard to believe such encouraging news if we don't read it for ourselves on a regular basis.

My favorite chapter is Psalm 91. Whenever my emotions are out of control, and anxiety or depression are fogging my mind, I look to these words of comfort. God promises to protect me from disease and my enemies. He assures me that his angels will always guard me. No matter how much trouble I encounter, God will always be there to bless me with long life and the promise of eternity in heaven with him.

Who could possibly remain under the control of willy-nilly emotions after reading something so comforting? There is power in God's Word...power to overcome the negative emotions that threaten to steal our joy...power to uplift our spirits and leave us feeling confident that life is good.

Coming next
Thank you for joining me for the past nine weeks. We will begin a new series on Tuesday about overcoming our fears and growing more confident. It is titled, Confident in God's Hands.

Today's Challenge
Are you a pessimist or an optimist? If your emotions are wreaking havoc on your life, take control of your thoughts today. Stop yourself when negative thoughts creep in. Ask yourself where they originated, and then replace them with more logical thinking. Read God's Word daily to remind yourself of the blessings that await you.

Take Control of Your Time

We are learning this week about how to develop greater self-control as part of my series, Thriving in God's Garden. It is based on the fruit of the Spirit, which can be found in Galatians 5:22. Today, I would like to address the issue of time management.

Time can be a heavy burden.
I don't think I've ever met any active adult who tells me that they have too much time on their hands. Children may claim to be bored, and the elderly may feel the hours dragging in the loneliness of nursing homes, but the rest of us never seem to be able to keep up with all of the demands made upon us in the limited hours we have to work each day.

King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 3:1 (NIV), There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Since this Biblical truth applies to all of us, it stands to reason that we should all be figuring out how to best manage our time to carry out the activities that God has planned for us.

Time can become a heavy burden if we don't make daily plans to use it wisely. We can either fritter it away or fill it with too many activities. Both extremes will leave us feeling dissatisfied at the end of the day.

Take control of time, or it will control you.
I have found that the best way to manage my time is to chart out my day the night before. I make a list of all the things I need to do at home, the errands I need to run, and the phone calls I must make. Before I go to sleep, I put my list in order and note a time frame for completing each task.

While I'm sleeping, my mind is working on tomorrow's tasks. When I do this, I find myself waking up with an answer to a question, or I dream about characters and plot twists for my novels.

Live by your list.
Writing a list the night before makes the entire day flow more smoothly. I live by my list, checking off each task and bearing in mind how much time I have remaining before I must move on to the next one.

I rarely leave home without my list. If I forget to take it with me, I inevitaby wander aimlessly through stores, unaware of the time or of the list of tasks that need to be accomplished.

Perhaps all of this list-making sounds a bit controlling. Maybe some of you prefer to live more vicariously in the moment. That's great, provided you actually get anything accomplished.

I suffered a closed-head injury a number of years ago that left me with deficits in the area of the brain that governs management of numerous tasks. Without my lists, I'm lost. Many people who suffer from ADHD or PTSD have similar issues with time management.

But I don't see this need for lists as a stumbling block in my life. In fact, I'm glad that God allowed me to brain myself. At the end of the day, I can look at my lists and feel really terrific about all that I've accomplished. Without my lists, I can't remember what I've done.

If I keep my lists in a journal, I have a long record of how I filled my days. I enjoy going back through my journals to see that I actually did something worthwhile with my time.

Expect interruptions and delays.
If you've ever flown on a jet, you know that there are often delays which can leave you stranded in airports or hotels in strange cities far from home. Like airline delays, our daily schedules can be delayed by numerous interruptions, such as phone calls, requests for help from friends, the dog running off, or a kid scraping a knee.

If we plan extra margins of time around all of our scheduled activities, we will arrive at the end of the day feeling less stressed. In other words, if we think it will take an hour to do the grocery shopping, we should plan to take an hour and a half, just in case the clerk is slow, traffic is backed up, or we spend too long selecting a birthday card or trying on clothes.

Prioritize your tasks.
For those of us who are over-achievers, the habit of making lists can get us into trouble. I may go into the kitchen to write a grocery list, and I wind up making a separate list of all the things in the room that need attention...the knife drawer needs cleaning out, the curtains need washing, the light bulb is burned out, and so on. That leads me to the next room, and the next, until I've got a fistful of lists, each several pages long. How do I get all of this done in one day?

The answer is that I don't! I must decide whether it is more important to wash the curtains or to buy groceries. If I don't have time today to do both, I can set aside my kitchen-maintenance list until another day when I have fewer demands on my time.

Learn to say NO!
Many people feel harassed by the clock, because they don't know how to say no. Every time someone makes a request of their time, they say yes. At first, they feel good about themselves, because they are helping someone else. But after a while, they begin to resent people asking for help. They develop burn-out in their careers, their volunteer work, and their marriages, simply because they say yes to everything.

If you're stretched too thin because you've agreed to help everyone who has ever asked you, start backing out of some of your commitments. Remind yourself that you're giving another person the opportunity to be helpful in your place, and you're making a better life for yourself.

Live on your own time one day every week.
I believe it is imperative for all of us to carve out a little time each week to just be. When Joe and I first got married, we used to go to a park after church and lie down on a blanket. We listened to the children laughing on the playground, watched the clouds floating by overhead, or closed our eyes and snoozed. This habit really helped us to recharge our batteries for the week ahead.

God commands us to rest on the Lord's day, and I believe there is great wisdom in following this law. Rest isn't just about sleeping. It's about forgetting the time, the lists, and all of the responsibilities that belong to the rest of the week.

Today's Challenge
How are you doing with time management? Are you making lists, planning your time, working your list, providing extra margins of time for interruptions, prioritizing tasks, resistng the urge to over-commit, and resting one day each week? Try following these suggestions next week and send me a comment to let me know if this helps you to be more self-controlled.

Control Your Sexuality

We are learning about self-control this week in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, we will be considering what it means to be self-controlled when it comes to our sexuality.

When is it okay to have sex?
The Bible gives us some very clear directions about our sexuality. The apostle Paul had a lot to say about it in I Corinthians 7 (MSG). Paul wrote, First, is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.

This passages shows us plainly that God designed us to have healthy sex drives. However, they are to be used only within the context of marriage. When we choose to become sexually involved with someone of the same sex or a person who is not our spouse, we create sexual disorder.

When should we say no to sex?
When we understand that marriage is the only place for sex, it's pretty easy to figure out when to say no. If our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, neighbors, or anyone else approaches us for sex, the answer should always be no.

In rare instances, we are permitted to tell our spouses that we are not interested in sex. The apostle Paul wrote, The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.

Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

What if we don't wish to marry?
So many young women who have been sexually abused struggle with the pressures that society puts on them to find a husband. They are still so confused about their sexuality, and they often rush into relationships that merely replicate the abuse of their past. It is far better to remain single than to marry for the wrong reasons.

On the other hand, God has instilled in each of us a powerful desire for sex. If we have no marriage partner, we may get ourselves into trouble when our desires override our common sense.

The apostle Paul never married, and he told the people of the early church, Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.

I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

God defines who you are.
Paul concluded this chapter with some comforting thoughts. He wrote, And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.

So, whether you are married or single right now is God's desire for you. Remember that following him defines who you are much more powerfully than your marital status. Love him, and you'll find that you are better able to love the spouse that you have or to find that special someone you've been waiting for all your life.

Today's Challenge
Are you using your sexuality appropriately within the confines of marriage? If not, resolve today to get back in line with God's way of looking at the sexual side of you. If you're still single, keep your eyes and heart on God's leading in your life. Eventually, the right person will come alongside you.

Control Your Appetite

We are learning about self-control this week in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. This is a study of the fruit of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22. Today, I would like to talk about appetite control.

You are what you eat.
This catchy slogan came out years ago, and I think it's very appropriate. When we eat nutrient-dense foods that are organic and fresh, we feel energized. In contrast, when we eat dead foods that are full of chemicals, we feel sluggish and can't think straight.

It is relatively easy for me to exercise self-control in my diet, because the consequences of eating improperly are immediate and painful. I am so allergic to some foods that I experience bizarre symptoms within minutes of ingesting them, such as temporary hearing loss, muscle weakness, or even paralysis.

Most people do not have such a great built-in self-control system. It is difficult for them to watch what they eat, because food provides them with pleasure, comfort, or relief from boredom or stress. I understand the challenge of over-eating, because I did not have these health issues when I was younger.

Dieting is not a lifestyle.
Most overweight people believe that diets work. They do not. The word diet makes us envision a time of self-denial, after which, we will go back to our normal eating routines.

The trouble with this mindset is that it simply creates a yo-yo effect. We diet, we lose weight, we go back to our old habits of eating, we gain the weight back (and then some), and the cycle begins again. What we need is a lifestyle change, not a diet.

Instead of thinking of temporary dieting breaks from our usual eating habits, we must consider a change in lifestyle. This means learning as much as we can about how food affects our health, and then making up our minds to eat only what produces better health.

Our country is experiencing an epidemic of health issues, such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and cancer. Joe sees people dying every day from these illnesses, and they aren't always elderly. In fact, it is shocking to see how many people in their 30s and 40s are dying from easily preventable diseases. If we understand that our diet is hurting us, we will be better motivated to make lasting changes.

Start with prayer.
I could not figure out for decades why food made me feel so awful. I began praying that God would provide answers. He immediately led me to this Bible verse: When you sit down to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. (Prov 23:1-2 NIV)

Immediately, I became aware of the fact that God views overeating as something so wrong, it would be better for me to slit my throat than to stuff my face. This verse also showed me the importance of noting what I eat.

Find an accountability partner.
If we want to develop any self-control, we must find ourselves an accountability partner. When trying to change our eating habits, or any other habit, this is a critical step to achieving success. An accountability partner can keep us on track and provide a sounding board when we are struggling.

I found it helpful when I was overweight to attend Weight Watchers meetings. They taught me the importance of combining exercise with a sensible diet, and I reached my weight-loss goal with the leaders' help.

Get a thorough check-up with a qualified physician.
Many people starve themselves, exercise, and keep a record of everything they eat; and they still don't lose weight. When I turned 50, this described me. No matter how little I ate or how much I exercised, I just kept gaining weight. Getting a check-up with a physician who specializes in metabolic disorders is vital if this describes you.

When I took the time to consult with a metabolic specialist, I finally figured out what was wrong. My thyroid function was low, but my primary care phyisican had not been able to detect the problem with the standard blood tests. The metabolic specialist knew how to look for a number of underlying issues that most doctors miss. Within weeks of taking a natural thyroid replacement, I began losing weight.

You see, our bodies run like clockwork if our naturally-occurring chemicals are in balance. However, if the adrenal glands, thyroid, pituitary glands, or sex hormones are out of whack, we can gain weight. No amount of self-control will be effective if our chemistry is off.

Hire a dietician who understands metabolism.
We have all spent good money on diet pills, health club memberships, and exercise equipment. But I think the best money spent is to hire a dietician who works under the direction of a metabolic specialist.

I visited with a dietician twice, and it was the best money I have ever spent. I figured out that even the healthy foods I was eating created cravings for more. The dietician taught me how to eat properly to reduce food cravings.

I can't emphasize enough how important this step is. If our bodies are receiving the proper foods at the right times of day, we will not have to worry about self-control! The cravings disappear.

One of the finest metabolic specialists in the United States works right here in Cincinnati, Ohio. Dr. James LaValle created the LaValle Metabolic Institute to help people far and wide with their weight problems. You can contact the Institute at www.lmihealth.com.

Get moving!
One of the most important components of appetite control is exercise. If we are moving, our bodies are circulating important natural chemicals more efficiently. Our mood gets elevated, and we have more energy.

Exercise doesn't have to be drudgery. When I was attending Weight Watchers, I had very little time to devote to an exercise routine at a gym. I was raising three young children at the time, so I decided to combine childcare with exercise.

I bought a trailer for my bike, put my daughter in it, and pedaled for miles every day with my sons. Biking worked like a charm to take off the weight, and I had fun with my kids.

Today's Challenge
Are you a yo-yo dieter? If you're struggling to control what you eat, ask God for answers, find an accountability partner, get a thorough check-up with a metabolic specialist, consult with a dietician, and get moving. These tools will all help you to develop greater self-control over your appetite.

Self-Control Protects Us From Evil

This week marks the last of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study has been based on the fruit of the Spirit, which is found in Galatians 5:22: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. We conclude with five lessons about self-control.

Don't leave yourself open to evil.
Proverbs 25:28 (MSG) reads, A person without self-control is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out. What does this mean?

In recent weeks, an F-5 tornado raced across the southern and midwestern United States, leaving a path of destruction in its mile-wide wake. Joe and I drove through some of the areas that were hit, and we were shocked by the devastation. At one exit along the interstate, enormous commercial buildings were missing roofs, windows, and walls.

Consider how vulnerable a building is without its roof, doors, or windows. Looters can steal merchandise from inside, rain can cause further damage, and wild animals can take up residence there. It is completely unprotected.

Like a building with its doors and windows missing, we can open ourselves up to all kinds of evil if we lack self-control. This week, we will be looking into what happens when we fail to control our appetites, our sex drives, our daily routines, and our emotions.

God is our best ally when learning self-control.
My greatest challenge in the area of self-control is my tongue. I tend to talk far more than I listen. Maybe that's why I feel compelled to write so many words every day!

No matter what challenges us, God can help. We can pray that he will show us areas of our lives that are out of control. Being blind to our faults can be problematic, particularly if we are always focused on others' flaws.

We can also pray that God will teach us to develop greater self-control. Doing this makes us more mindful of the things that we need to change, and it gives God opportunities to put us in situations where we will need to exercise self-control.

Today's Challenge
Consider what it means to you to be self-controlled. Ask God to show you where you need to improve, and then in your journal, write down instances when you failed to exercise self-control. Pray for opportunities to exhibit greater self-control the next time a similar situation arises.

Prayer for Victims of Abuse

I would like to conclude this week's thoughts about gentleness with a prayer from Psalm 109 (CEV). Many of you reading this may still be dealing with abusive people or bullies, and I would like to encourage you to turn to God for strength. Harsh words from our enemies can leave lasting wounds, but God's gentleness toward us can bring us renewed strength.

Psalm 109:1-5; 21-31 reads,

I praise you, God! Don't keep silent.
Destructive and deceitful lies are told about me,
and hateful things are said for no reason.
I had pity and prayed for my enemies,
but their words to me were harsh and cruel.
For being friendly and kind,
they paid me back with meanness and hatred.

Be true to your name, LORD God!
Show your great kindness and rescue me.
I am poor and helpless, and I have lost all hope.
I am fading away like an evening shadow;
I am tossed aside like a crawling insect.
I have gone without eating until my knees are weak,
and my body is bony.
When my enemies see me, they say cruel things
and shake their heads.
Please help me, LORD God!
Come and save me because of your love.
Let others know that you alone have saved me.
I don't care if they curse me, as long as you bless me.
You will make my enemies fail when they attack,
and you will make me glad to be your servant.
You will cover them with shame, just as their bodies
are covered with clothes.
I will sing your praises and thank you, LORD,
when your people meet.
You help everyone in need,
and you defend them when they are on trial.

I can remember reading through the Psalms over and over when I was mired in an abusive relationship. God's Word brought me comfort then, because he gave me hope that things would be different.

God answered my prayers and brought me out of that miserable life as a victim of abuse. Today when I read this, I focus more on the praises than on the pleas for help. God has been so good to me, and I pray that his goodness and gentleness will bring you peace, too.

Next week, we will conclude this series, Thriving in God's Garden, with lessons about how to achieve greater self-control. I hope you'll join me as we search for ways to develop the fruit of the Spirit.

The Beauty of a Gentle Spirit

This week, we are learning about gentleness in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, we look at the importance of inner beauty and the deceitfulness of outer beauty.

True beauty starts on the inside.
The apostle, Peter, wrote about women's beauty in a letter to the early Christian church. Some denominations believe that these are specific rules against certain outward appearances, but I think Peter had a bigger message in mind.

He wrote, Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (I Peter 3:3-4 NIV)

This passage does not mean that we should quit braiding our hair, put on frumpy clothes, or sell all of our bling. Peter simply used these examples to make the point that we can't rely on our outer beauty if we are ugly on the inside.

Develop a gentle spirit.
As survivors of abuse, we frequently feel that we are ugly. Our shame causes us to feel inferior to others, whom we may admire for their outer beauty.

We may try to compensate for the way we feel about ourselves by going overboard with extreme hairstyles, excessive makeup, or tons of jewelry. We cannot rely on these outer adornments to express our beauty. No amount of make-up, jewelry, or clothing will make us beautiful if we are filled with bitterness, revenge, or hatred.

God created us in his own image, and he loves us in spite of our flaws. When we learn to accept God's love, our inner beauty begins to grow. A quiet spirit brings us inner peace, which radiates gentle beauty from the inside.

Please don't misunderstand here what is being said about outer appearances. Peter did not mean to imply that we should neglect our personal grooming. Clean skin, healthy teeth, a stylish haircut, and modest clothing and accessories all go a long way toward helping us feel as if we have our act together.

Don't be a rotten melon.
Have you ever gone to the grocery to purchase a beautiful green watermelon, taken it home for a family picnic, and discovered that it had turned to mush on the inside? Like a rotten melon, the bigger point of Peter's message is that outer beauty is worthless without inner goodness. God desires for us to work much harder on our inner beauty than on outward appearances.

Today's Challenge
Take time today for a check-up of both your inner and outer beauty. How much time are you spending on the development of inner beauty, which comes from a gentle and quiet spirit? Are you taking care of your appearance with good grooming? Or are you trying to compensate for low self-worth by over-dressing? Make a commitment today to develop a gentle and quiet spirit through Bible study and fellowship with other mature Christians so that you can glow from the inside out.

Teach Faithfulness

We conclude this week’s thoughts about faithfulness with some insights about teaching others how to become more faithful. This is a continuation of my series, Thriving in God’s Garden, which is based on Galatians 5:22. Next week, we will learn about how to be more gentle.

Become a woman of excellence.
Proverbs 31:10-31 has been my greatest source of guidance over the years. As a woman, this passage leads me in the ways that God wants me to go. It describes how I should aspire to live as a Christian wife. I think it can be applied to any woman, young or old, married or single.

Proverbs 31:26 (NIV) reads, She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Notice that God puts wisdom ahead of faithful instruction in this passage. Older, more mature women are called upon to teach younger ones how to live quiet lives that are pleasing to God. Our cumulative life experiences usually make us better equipped to teach others, primarily through the wisdom we have learned from making mistakes along the way.

I have been on a pathway of learning for many years, and there is still much that I don’t know. But when I do understand something through a combination of experiences and studying the Bible, I try to share my wisdom with others. This blog is one example of my faithfulness in teaching God’s wisdom to others.

What do you know?
Each one of us has been equipped with special talents and gifts. Those abilities should be used whenever possible to encourage others. What have you learned as a result of the challenges life has thrown your way?

Most survivors of abuse don’t feel that they are very worthy. They believe that they have little to offer, because their abusers stripped them of all self-confidence. But the fact is that most people who have survived childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, or other traumas are usually much stronger in the long run than the average person. We can be far more resilient, hopeful, determined, and resourceful than most others can if we recover well. The very fact that we survived abuse speaks volumes about our emotional strength.

Galatians 5:22 (NIV) tells us that we should be exhibiting behaviors that are more and more Christ-like as we mature. These characteristics (the fruit of the Spirit) include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Which ones do you feel are your strongest traits? How can you teach what you know to someone else?

Find a place to share your wisdom with others.
The best way to put this lesson into practice is to find a place to serve where we can faithfully teach others what we know. I lead a small group of women in making quilts for terminally ill patients at the hospitals in our community. My friend enjoys teaching young wives how to cook. No matter who we are, or how much we have suffered, God has given us something unique to share with the world. Where can you serve?

Today’s Challenge
Read Proverbs 31:10-31. You can find it at www.biblegateway.com if you don’t have a Bible. Consider the many talents described in this beautiful passage of Scripture. Which gift can you share with someone else? Choose one of your spiritual gifts today and begin faithfully teaching it to others through your actions or through direct instruction.

Faithfulness Builds Security

We are in week seven of my nine-week series, Thriving in God’s Garden. It is based on Galatians 5:22, the 'fruit' of the Spirit. This week, we are learning about faithfulness, and today I would like to get you thinking about building security through faithfulness.

Kings are great diplomats.
Proverbs 20:28 (NIV) tells us, Love and faithfulness keep a king safe; through love his throne is made secure. Kings who are wise build strong alliances with their subjects, as well as neighboring countries, by treating others with benevolence and kindness. As a result, the people become endeared to a great leader and remain his loyal supporters.

Our faithfulness toward others builds loyalty.
When we faithfully treat our friends and family with love and kindness, just as the wise king did in the passage above, we become endeared to them. As a result, when we are sick or in trouble, we can count on our friends to help us. If we have friends who stand by us through life’s ups and downs, we are probably the type of people who have worked hard to earn that loyalty. We understand faithfulness.

As survivors, it is often difficult to remain faithful.
Many of us struggle with remaining faithful to our relationships, because abuse or trauma can make us fearful and controlling. This is a particularly common outcome in people who were sexually abused in early childhood. Having no control over our bodies when we were young keeps us perpetually on our toes to make sure that no one hurts us again.

The trouble with this type of hyper-vigilant behavior is that it pushes away the very people we most want as our loyal supporters. If they are honest with us, we may hear from them that we are very bossy, perfectionistic, demanding, or controlling. We may marry or make friends with people who tend to be very passive, because most other people can’t stand our need to be in charge.

Because we don’t know how to back off and let others be themselves, we often find it easier to leave a relationship than to remain faithful to it. While we yearn for security, we often unwittingly destroy it by running from our commitments.

The only person we can control is ourselves.
Abuse victims generally take one of three directions:

1) they become abusers;
2) they rescue others; or
3) they remain victims.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably working your way out of the third category, because you realize that being victimized for the rest of time is not a worthwhile endeavor. And my guess is that you’re probably not an abuser, or you wouldn’t be interested in what I have to say about surviving abuse.

That leaves most of us in that category of rescuing, which places us in a position of constantly searching for ways to improve everyone around us…even when they don’t ask for our help. This gets us into a great deal of trouble, because we focus too much on others’ faults and nowhere near enough on our own.

I had the privilege many years ago of attending Al-Anon for Adult Children of Alcoholics. There, I learned the slogan, detach with love. This concept made little sense to me at first, because I felt that it meant my abusers were no longer responsible for their actions if I quit trying to control them. But, eventually I figured out that to detach with love means that I must mind my own business and let others mind theirs. I must let go and let God help my abusers work out their own issues.

Quit rescuing and start living your own life.
When we quit trying to save the rest of the world from their problems, we discover that we have far more time and energy to devote to our own issues. Our relationships with friends and family members improve, because we are no longer annoying everyone we encounter with our unsolicited advice.

I know that detaching with love is a difficult task, because it has always been my greatest battle. When I control, I drive away the people I love the most. And when that happens, I feel really depressed. There are times when I have considered walking away from my life to live in solitude, because it feels as if it would simply be easier.

I would like to encourage you to work toward growing in the area of faithfulness. Instead of giving up on a spouse or a friend, find a way to detach with love. Get your own career off the ground and take your focus off your mate’s. Quit hovering over your children and free them to be themselves.

This detachment/faithfulness combination may feel as strange to you as breathing underwater, but I can tell you that it works to build the loyalty of friends and family members. I have found much greater peace by concerning myself with my own life and letting others live their own than I have ever found in trying to rescue or fix others’ problems.

Today’s Challenge
Are you a rescuer? Do you find yourself constantly nagging someone else to change or improve? Give up those behaviors and start looking inward for ways to build the fruit of the Spirit. Remain faithful to those you love and set them free to become whoever God created them to be. In doing so, you will create security within a network of supportive relationships.

Be Faithful in Prayer

We continue with my series, Thriving in God's Garden, a study based on Galatians 5:22 (NIV): But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Today, we take a look at faithfulness regarding prayer.

We turn to God in prayer during difficult times.
The apostle Paul reminded the early Christians that prayer was essential at all times. He wrote in Romans 12:12 (NIV): Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

When we encounter struggles, we begin to cry out to God for relief. During the difficult times in our life, we discover the nearness of God through prayer. Later, when we look back, we can often see how closely he was walking with us through a challenge.

After I got divorced, my ex-husband repeatedly filed lawsuits against me in an effort to deny me custody of our children. It was, without a doubt, the most difficult time of my life. I have never prayed so much. During that challenge, I can also say that I have never been so wowed by God's power in response to prayer.

One day, I was waiting for a judge's verdict in court. He was about to remove a restraining order against my ex-husband, which had been providing my children and me with tremendous relief from being harassed at every turn.

When the judge declared that he was lifting the restraining order, I began to fervently and silently pray, "God, please make him change his mind."

Within seconds, the judge leaped to his feet, ripped the court orders in half, and said, "No! I can't do this. I've changed my mind!"

My ex-husband's attorney shouted, "On what grounds?"

The judge threw his arms into the air and said, "It doesn't matter. I've changed my mind!" He charged out of the room and slammed the door.

I sat there, stunned by the power of my prayer. Not only had God turned around the outcome, but the judge had actually spoken the exact same words I had been praying!

We should also seek God when life is good.
Imagine how different our relationship with God would be if we prayed that fervently all the time. So often, we only pray when we're in trouble. God wants to hear from us every day...in good times and in bad.

While I have never experienced anything quite as startling during my daily prayer time as I did on that day in court, I can say that the discipline of regular prayer draws me closer to God. And when he and I are communicating regularly, it is easier for me to see his hand at work.

When I thank God for the beauty of his creation, for improvements in my health that allow me to care for myself, for my family, for my friends, and for the freedom of life in a great nation; I feel his presence.

Because I am mindful of my relationship with God through prayer, he speaks to me through Scripture, other people, and circumstances during good times and bad. And when I ask God questions or request specific directions from him, I am always amazed by the ways in which he answers. It is comforting to me to know that asking God for advice always keeps me moving in the right direction.

Today's Challenge
Make it a habit to faithfully talk with God daily. Tell him about your joys, as well as your needs. Develop a deeper relationship with him by asking a question and then waiting for his answer. You will be surprised by the ways he answers.

God’s Faithfulness Endures Forever

We focus our thoughts this week on the concept of faithfulness as we continue with week seven of my nine-week series, Thriving in God’s Garden. This study is based on Galatians 5:22, known as the fruit of the Spirit.

The shortest chapter in the Bible holds the greatest truth.
Psalm 117 is the shortest chapter in the Bible and contains one of the greatest truths: God is perpetually involved in the destiny of all people groups by faithfully lavishing us with his love. The passage reads, Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol him, all you peoples. For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord.

The emphasis of this chapter, if we look at it closely, is the message that God’s love is for all people, not just the nation of Israel. Jesus came to bring the Gospel of love to people of all nations, not just his fellow Jews. This was a hard concept for people of Jesus’ day to accept, because the Jews looked down on others, such as the people of Samaria.

We must accept that God loves evil people.
Today, we struggle with this same prideful attitude. We think of God’s faithfulness in loving us as something that belongs to people who are worthy. We have a hard time thinking of our abusers as people whom God also loves. But if we look back and read Psalm 117 more than once, we come to understand that God loves all people.

Last week, the world cheered when journaists revealed that Osama bin Laden had finally been captured and killed. A universal shout went up at Ground Zero in New York City, because many felt that justice had finally been served. I must admit that the first words out of my mouth were, “Hallelujah!”

In the next instant, I felt regret over expressing joy that a man had died. It was never God’s plan to create this person so that he could become a leader in world terrorism. God’s faithfulness in loving Osama bin Laden never ended.

And yet, we know from our previous studies about God’s character that he must punish men like Osama bin Laden. God loves all people, but he also hates sin. And he promises to punish those who refuse to turn away from their sins.

Therefore, we should not be cheering over bin Laden’s death. We should be grieving, because we failed to find a way to help the man understand that God is love. Bin Laden never figured out that God wants us to love one another.

When we are suffering or sinning, God’s faithfulness endures. No matter how badly we behave, his love never ends. The same truth about God applies to the people who have hurt us…including people as evil as Osama bin Laden.

Today’s Challenge
Are there people or nations whom you believe God does not love? How does this lesson about God’s faithfulness challenge those beliefs? Take some time today to reflect about God’s faithfulness in loving you when you have been at your worst. Think about how that same faithfulness applies to the people you believe are so undeserving.

Do Good to Those Who Hate You

We conclude this week's lessons on goodness with the thought that we should do good to those who hate us. Next week, we will turn our thoughts to faithfulness as we continue our series, Thriving in God's Garden. These lessons are all based on the fruit of the Spirit, which can be found in Galatians 5:22.

Love your enemies.
As survivors of abuse and trauma, it is often difficult for us to carry out this command, which is found in Luke 6:27 (NIV): But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. How can we love someone who has hurt us so deeply?

We have considered this previously, and the only way I know of to love my enemy is to try and see him as God does. God loves all people, whom he created to become like him. If I look through the eyes of God's love, I can find a way to love people who are considered unloveable by mankind.

Express your love appropriately.
There are appropriate ways to express love to others. Consider this. If the President rang your doorbell, how would you greet him? Most Americans would offer him a handshake and invite him inside for coffee or iced tea. This would be appropriate, given the President's reputation and position of leadership.

On the other hand, if Osama bin Laden had showed up on your doorstep and you recognized him, you would have been wise to greet him much differently. His reputation for evil acts should have spurred you on to swiftly close the door, lock it, and call the cops. Then, you could have prayed within the safety of your home, asking God to soften Bin Laden's heart and to bring him to repentance.

The methods we use to determine how to love our abusers should be no different from the ways we decide to greet the President or Osama bin Laden. Love for our abusers does not necessarily mean that we invite them in for tea.

I was once pursued by a stalker, and I can assure you that inviting him into my home would have reactivated his need to control me. Our personal safety is much more important than figuring out some way to openly express love to such enemies. It is best, in cases like these, to love the person from a distance through prayer.

Do good to those who hate you.
Most abusers and stalkers do not hate us. In fact, they often love us to such an extreme that they must possess us. Therefore, I think it is actually easier to do good to other people who simply hate us than it is to do good to those who love us inappropriately.

Often, we are hated by people who can't stand the goodness in us. Their own evil ways make them feel so guilty, they squirm when they are in our presence. I have been called a goody-two-shoes, Church Lady Cheryl, and many other unkind names because of my faith.

How do we respond to people like this? I see them as God does: broken and miserable sinners who, like Satan, cannot tolerate to be in the presence of Christ. The most loving thing I can do in response to their harassment is to continue doing what I always do. I don't preach at them or respond to their sarcastic remarks. But I don't change my typical way of living out my faith, either.

We used to live next door to a woman who was a heavy drinker and smoker. She knew that Joe was a minister, and she frequently let fly with a string of curses before she realized that my husband was within earshot in the yard. She would make sarcastic remarks about having to watch her language if he was around.

Joe never preached to this woman about her sins. He greeted her pleasantly and made small talk, using language that was appropriate with her. He never joined her and the other neighbors in drinking alcochol or smoking.

Joe's example stood in stark contrast to our neighbor's behavior and provided her and her children with a far stronger message than any preaching could have. His actions showed perfectly how to do good to people who hate us and the goodness of God that dwells within us.

Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who hates you or the goodness within you? Strive to imitate God as much as possible through your actions in order to do good to them. Use very few words to make the point that you love them.

From Evil to Good

This week, we will be learning about goodness, which is one of the fruits of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22. It reads, But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. We are currently in the sixth week of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden.

We were the victims of evil.
When others mistreated us and used our bodies for their own perverse pleasures, we found ourselves the victims of evil. Many times, we were told that childhood sexual abuse or marital sexual abuse was love, but it was not true. Mankind often labels evil as good, which causes tremendous confusion within our minds and spirits.

Love is good. Evil never is. The prophet Isaiah warned God's people against this practice of calling evil good. He wrote, Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter. (Isaiah 5:20 NIV)

Mankind calls many evil things good.
We are surrounded today by evil things that our culture labels as good. Women's rights activists claim that abortion is good, because it gives a woman better choices. From an ethical perspective, this argument takes the outcome (freedom from the burden of raising a child) to justify the means (murder of an unborn child).

There are many other examples of people using the ends to justify the means. Whenever we look at these situations, there is always controversy.

Dr. Kivorkian wanted to free people from pain, so he helped them to commit suicide. When plantation owners wanted to capitalize on their crops here in the US 200 years ago, they captured men and women from Africa and enslaved them. Wars have been started over this issue of calling evil good. In all such unethical situations, someone called evil good, and mankind bought the lie.

God uses evil to save people.
The Bible tells the story of one of God's greatest heroes. Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers while he was still a young boy. When he arrived in Egypt, he found himself serving the Pharaoh. Just when things were looking up, the queen accused Joseph of assaulting her. He got thrown into prison, but because he had a gift of interpreting dreams, he was able to make his way back into the Pharaoh's good graces.

A famine struck the entire Middle East, and Joseph discovered his own brothers one day at his feet, begging for food. He held such power over them, they were terrified. They expected him to have them thrown into prison forever, but instead, he forgave them.

He said to his brothers, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Gen 50:19-20 NIV)

Sometimes, we find ourselves at the mercy of evil people, just as Joseph did. We may go for years on end without relief. But then we get a break, and we suddenly see why God allowed our suffering. That's when we realize that mankind may set out to do evil to us, but God will use it for our good.

Today's Challenge
What evil things have you been experiencing? If you're in the midst of a lot of conflict, keep looking up. God will turn things around in your favor eventually, and you'll understand how he intended the evil for your good.

God is Kind When He Disciplines Us

We conclude this week with one final lesson on kindness. This is a continuation of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. It is based on the fruit of the Spirit, found in Galatians 5:22. Next week, we will learn about goodness.

God's kindness often goes together with discipline.
We have learned this week that God is kind. He cares for us when we are in trouble, and he shows us kindnesses when we don't deserve it. We must remember, however, that God is not lopsidedly kind, no matter what. If we break his commands, we can count on being disciplined, but we can be sure that God will sprinkle in a little kindness with the upbraiding.

Romans 11:21 (MSG) reads, If God didn't think twice about taking pruning shears to the natural branches, why would he hesitate over you? He wouldn't give it a second thought. Make sure you stay alert to these qualities of gentle kindness and ruthless severity that exist side by side in God—ruthless with the deadwood, gentle with the grafted shoot. But don't presume on this gentleness. The moment you become deadwood, you're out of there.

This passage points out the importance of remaining true to God's Word by acting in ways that are acceptable to him. If we claim to be Christians, but we act as if we know nothing about God's commands, we'll become deadwood that he'll prune away and throw into the fire.

If we have received the Holy Spirit through belief in Christ and baptism, the Spirit will lead us to want to please God. A person who is walking with God in truth shows by his outward behavior that he belongs to God. People who have not received the Spirit struggle to behave well, because our human nature drives us to sin.

Are you a grafted shoot, firmly rooted in God's ways or deadwood at risk of being burned in the fire?

Our kindness toward our own children must include discipline, too.
As parents, we know that showing our children only kindnesses will inevitably result in kids who are spoiled brats. There is an old saying that good leaders/parents rule with an iron fist in a velvet glove. In other words, we must be firm with our children and discipline them when necessary. But we must also love them and show them kindnesses so that they won't become discouraged by the discipline.

As survivors of abuse, many of us grew up with only harsh discipline or very little of the kindnesses. Don't make the common mistake of going overboard with your children, spoiling them and withholding discipline. Discipline is not the same as abuse, even though it may have felt like that to us when we were small.

Today's Challenge
Consider times when God has disciplined you. What kindnesses did he show you while he was correcting you? How have you been disciplining your own children? If you've been harsh, begin adding in a little kindness along the way. If you've been too lenient, step up the discipline.

Our Kindness Attracts Kind People

Thank you for joining me for my series, Thriving in God's Garden. This week, we are learning about kindness, which is listed as one of the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22.

God always cares for us.
There are times in our lives when we may feel that God doesn't care about us. We may even think of him as a bully with a magnifying glass, frying us under the heat of a scorching sun, as if we were helpless ants.

I know that I have felt that way about God in the past, and I'm certain that many other survivors of abuse and trauma probably experience similar feelings from time to time. But God never forgets us or hurts us, and he often looks for ways to express his kindness through others.

God writes great romances.
The Bible tells the story of Ruth, a very young widow who left her country to travel home with her mother-in-law, Naomi. Ruth stood by Naomi, even when they were starving. When Naomi urged Ruth to go back home to her own family, Ruth refused. She promised to go with Naomi and live with her wherever she chose.

What is really remarkable about the story of Ruth is that God provided her with a kinsman-redeemer: a near relative who was supposed to marry her if her husband died and left her childless. When she found herself in the field of that kinsman-redeemer, whose name was Boaz, we read about Naomi's reaction.

"The Lord bless him!" Naomi said to her daughter-in-law. "He has not stoppd showing his kindness to the living and the dead." (Ruth 2:20 NIV) Naomi meant that Boaz showed kindness to her dead husband by marrying Ruth so that the family name would be carried on. In addition, Boaz's marriage to Ruth saved her, as well as Naomi, from starvation.

I love this story, because Ruth winds up with her hero, Boaz. Ruth wins his love because he admires her faithful kindness toward her mother-in-law.

Like Ruth, we can attract kind people.
As survivors of abuse, we long for others to be kind to us. If we want to experience wonderful outcomes as Ruth did, we must learn to be kind to others...even when it isn't exactly easy.

We don't have to leave our country or face starvation to find ways to be kind. Kindness can be found in gentle words spoken to a child or a pet; in conscious acts of service for others in need; in helping others to overcome a hardship or a loss; in comforting people who have experienced loss; and in many other ways.

The most important thing to remember is that like attracts like. If we are kind to others, they will most likely follow our lead and return our kindnesses. Perhaps our behavior will encouarge them to be kind to others, too.

Today's Challenge
Take a moment today to show kindness to someone in need of it. Whatever you choose to do, carry it out with a smile. It doubles your reward when the recipient smiles back at you.

The Lord is Kind to Us

We continue with our series, Thriving in God's Garden, with a look this week into kindness. Today, I'd like to focus on God's kindness toward us.

Because God loves us, he is kind to us.
In order to learn how to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control--we must first look to God, who models these attributes for us.

Isaiah 63:7 (NIV) reads, I will tell of the kindnesses of the Lord, the deeds for which he is to be praised, according to all the Lord has done for us... If someone were to ask us if God has been kind to us, how might we answer?

Victims often fail to see God's kindnesses.
Sometimes, victims of abuse and trauma develop a very negative attitude toward God. They become angry with him and claim that he doesn't care what happens to anyone. While bad things may happen, it is because we live in a fallen world, filled with sinners. It is not because God doesn't care.

When we are sad, God understands. Just because our circumstances may make us feel as if no one cares, God always does. He never, ever stops loving us.

I am blessed by God's kindness.
God has been unbelievably kind to me all my life. Even though I suffered childhood sexual abuse, marital abuse, and many illnesses and injuries, God has showered me with kindness.

Although I was born into a very dysfunctional, abusive family, God did not overlook my need for loving and nurturing. He provided it in the form of wonderful neighbors who took me in as if I were one of their own.

One of my sister's friends took me to church when I was five years old, and a nursery volunteer there told me about Jesus. They planted seeds that grew into belief, which led me to surrender my life to Christ. Today, God does not see my sins when he looks at me, because they are hidden by Christ's blood.

When I was diagnosed with stage four cancer, God was unbelievably kind. I begged him for more time to raise my children, and he pulled off a miracle. I was healed of the cancer that was supposed to kill me within months..19 years ago.

When my first marriage fell apart, God remembered me again. He sent Joe Denton into my life to teach me what it really means to have a relationship with Christ, not just a religion. With Joe, I have safety and peace as I have never before experienced at home.

My life has been touched by countless people who have loved me when I have not always been easy to love. Friends have stood by me through MS exacerbations, surgeries, and auto accidents. All of these people, I am certain, were sent to me by God. They are his expression of kindness.

Has God been kind to you?
It's hard to think about God's kindesses toward us if we are unaware of them. When we realize his many acts of loving kindness, it's impossible not to praise him as Isaiah did in the above Bible passage. How has he blessed you?

Today's Challenge
Write down the many ways that God has blessed you, even at times when you were suffering. Find a way to thank him through prayer, song, or sharing your story with someone else.

Be Patient With the Weak

We conclude this week's discussion about patience in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Next week, we will learn how to develop greater kindness for others as we study Galatians 5:22, known as the fruit of the Spirit. Learning to bear spiritual fruit helps us to thrive in a life that began with abuse.

Be patient with others who are weak.
If someone hands us a screaming infant, most of us have the patience to soothe the child to the best of our ability. Perhaps we check its diaper, try feeding it, burping it, cuddling it, or rocking it. Very few people would simply walk away from a tearful infant, because they know that such little beings are completely helpless and dependent on others for their care.

First Thessalonians 5:14 (NIV) reminds us of how important patience is. It reads, And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

It's not always easy to be patient with everyone.
Today, I sat through an 8-hour seminar with a woman who was heckling the speaker throughout the day. I kept thinking that if I were up front, I'd ask someone to escort the heckler from the room. In spite of the repeated taunts, the speaker gracefully asked the woman to be patient and wait until later in the day for the information she was seeking.

I talked to the presenter afterward and commended her for her patience. She smiled and said it wasn't easy to keep her cool. But she had reminded herself that it was Good Friday, and she wanted to remain spiritual about the whole situation.

She put herself into the heckler's shoes and tried to see things from her vantage point. Perhaps the heckler was anxious about something and couldn't hear a word that was being said without her fears first being addressed.

The speaker's response to this annoying seminar attendee was a beautiful portrayal of how we need to be patient with people who are difficult. Remembering that God's Word calls us to be patient with everyone, not just helpless infants, can help us in tough situations.

Not all adults are grown-ups.
Some adults may look grown-up, but many are still emotional or spiritual infants in aging bodies. We must do our best to model our behavior after the seminar speaker who saw the heckler as one might view a child demanding candy. Who knows? Maybe our patience with old infants may provide a way for them to learn how to be patient, too.

Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who drives you nuts? Do they challenge your patience? Try to see beyond the adult form and think about what the child within is looking for from you. Perhaps it will lead you to respond with greater patience.

Patience Can Calm a Quarrel

We continue today with our discussion about patience as part of my series, Thriving in God's Garden We are learning to apply the fruit of the Spirit to our lives, as found in Galatians 5:22.

What are you bickering about?
Proverbs 15:18 (NIV) tells us, A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.

We learned last week that a great deal of conflict stems from relationships with people who don't know God. What are you bickering about with them? Finances? The sharing of household duties? The way you spend your free time? Issues with child rearing? Something else?

We all have disagreements with others that try our patience. But if we can maintain our composure and take the time we need to avoid quarreling, we grow stronger and more confident. Exercising patience develops our ability to exhibit greater self-control.

Close your mouth and listen.
Often, an argument could be avoided if we simply took more time to listen. We get into shouting matches with people, because we want them to hear our point of view. We forget that theirs may be just as important.

So, if we find ourselves disagreeing loudly with someone, we need to zip our lips and try to use some patience. We should listen carefully to what is being said. Looking for underlying messages that the person may be having trouble expressing can be helpful.

Abusers talk in circles.
We discovered yesterday that wisdom helps us to be patient with others. Arguments with abusers may require more than patience. Knowing that abusive people tend to talk in circles can help us to reduce the number of arguments we have with them.

Circular arguing starts out with a disagreement about an issue, turns the blame on us, and then demands an apology for something we haven't done. For example, a husband may blame his wife for spoiling their evening together, even though she did her best to prepare dinner on time and put the children to bed on schedule.

In reality, the husband may have spoiled their time together with critical comments directed at his wife, impatience with the children, and unrealistic demands. When the wife tries to point out the obvious, he brings up numerous past incidents to make her feel guilty. When he demands an apology from her, her temper flares. She knows that most of the trouble is not her fault, but he's like a rabid dog that won't let her loose.

It is not easy to be patient with verbal abusers, because we know deep down that they're wrong when they blame us for things they have done. There is no winning an argument with them. So, instead of shouting louder or trying to use better logic on them, we must just end the conversation. We can quit talking or walk away.

Practice deflecting verbal abuse.
I learned a very helpful technique in deflecting the hurtful words of abusive people. Our body language can send a powerful message to them, which they pick up on much more quickly than words.

We can cross our arms, cross our legs, and look to the side. Most importantly, we must stop responding. These gestures work wonders to throw an abuser off balance. Within minutes, his blustering ends, and he walks away in frustration. Refusing to engage in quarreling with an abuser is an excellent way to develop patience. It also helps us move closer to recovery.

Today's Challenge
Practice deflecting an argument with an abusive person today. Try the body language suggested above and see what happens. Then, try to encourage conversation with someone else who is healthier by looking into their eyes, setting aside other tasks, and paraphrasing what they have said. This type of response to them helps us to develop patience and understanding.

Patience Grows with Wisdom

We begin week four of our nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study is based on Galatians 5:22, which is commonly known as the fruit of the Spirit. Today, I would like to look at how wisdom affects our ability to develop patience.

Got wisdom?
When we develop wisdom and the maturity to use it to deal with life's challenges, we also develop patience. Proverbs 29:11 (NIV) tells us, A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays his folly.

Allow me to illustrate what this passage of Scripture means. We have a new puppy in our house, a toy poodle named Zibby. I have never owned a toy breed before, so I spent her first weeks reading everything I could find.

I discovered that while most dogs can be housebroken and left for a number of hours at home alone without accidents, toy dogs cannot. Their bladders are about the size of a kidney bean, and they rarely acquire the ability to wait for hours on end to go potty.

If I didn't learn this about my dog, I might have expectations for her housebreaking that would be unfair to her. But, since I have gained understanding about her, I am more patient with her. I don't yell at her if she has an accident, and I don't leave her alone for more than a few hours.

Strive for understanding in your relationships.
Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) reads, A man's wisdom gives him patience. In other words, we must apply ourselves to learning more if we want to become more patient people.

Just as I learned about my dog's development, we can all learn a little something about the people who live with us or in our neighborhoods. Studying child development may help us to understand our children's limitations or the phases our teens are struggling to overcome.

Reading or attending seminars about marriage can be very helpful in developing patience with our spouses. Every spouse has strengths and weaknesses, and we can learn to be more patient with them if we understand what their limitations are.

We may grow in wisdom and patience if we study a little bit about our neighbors who come from cultures which are different from our own. I have learned a great deal by reading about and meeting people from other countries. Taking the time to listen to them, in spite of the language barriers that we face, has helped me to understand them and patiently wait for them to express themselves.

Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who needs your understanding today? A child? A teen? A spouse? A neighbor? A coworker? Take some time to gain some wisdom about them, and watch your patience grow.

Are You a Peacekeeper or a Peacemaker?

We conclude this week's thoughts about peace with a question about whether we are peacekeepers or peacemakers. This marks week three in my nine-week series titled, Thriving in God's Garden.

Are you a peacekeeper or a peacemaker?
When I pose this question to people, they must stop and think what it means to be a peacekeeper versus a peacemaker. In my mind, a peacekeeper is a person who hates conflict and will do anything to avoid it. A peacemaker, on the other hand, is a person who is not afraid of conflict and is willing to butt heads with others to create positive change.

Most victims of childhood sexual abuse or domestic violence fall into the category of peacekeepers. They walk on eggshells or make themselves as close to invisible as they can in order to avoid further abuse.

I used to be a peacekeeper.
When I was younger, I was a peacekeeper. During my first marriage, I did everything in my power to make sure that I didn't anger my husband. If he insisted on his dinner being scalding hot at 5:15, I made sure it was on the table the instant he walked through the door. When he said that he never wanted to see any evidence that children lived in the house, I made sure that all of the toys and the kids were tucked away in the bedrooms before he came home.

As you can imagine, this did not create for a peaceful existence for me or for my children. As the kids grew older, they became expert peacekeepers, too. All of them headed straight for their bedrooms the minute they got off the school bus. Dinner was eaten in silence, and the kids disappeared again the instant they finished eating.

Today, I am a peacemaker.
My first glimpse of how different life could be if I gave up peacekeeping came about two weeks after I left my first husband. I was preparing dinner for the kids, and they all bounded into the eat-in area. While I was putting food on the table, I realized that they were all talking. It wasn't until they burst into peals of laughter for the first time in years that I saw clearly how much my peacekeeping efforts had been stifling their spirits.

I decided then that I would never walk on eggshells again, and I would teach my children to speak out against anything that they felt was immoral or unfair. Through many years of counseling, I learned how to role-play conversations with people who needed to be confronted. Eventually, I learned how to become a peacemaker. You can, too.

Peacemakers speak the truth in love and stand their ground.
Someone once told me that abusers are just like cut-out paper tigers on a stage, with dry ice creating a smoke screen around them. If you blow on them, they fall over, and the fake smoke disappears.

It wasn't easy, but I eventually learned that peacemakers speak the truth in love and stand their ground. Ephesians 4:25 (NIV) tells us, Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor. So, if someone does something wrong, the Bible tells us that we must tell them truthfully that what they did was wrong and that it hurt us.

Peacemaking initially results in greater conflict.
It is important to realize that peacemaking doesn't always create immediate peace between people. In fact, it may drive some people apart...which is sometimes better, anyway. When we speak the truth in love, we usually discover inner peace, even while we create external conflict with the people who have hurt us.

When we stand up for ourselves, we must accept that it is going to create conflict. But if we stick to our resolve that we will not allow others to abuse us, we soon learn that the bullies of this world move on to pick on weaker people. Yes, there will be conflict when we confront bullies, but eventually, they will take it with them when they leave us alone.

Stop lying to yourself and others.
Peacekeepers spend a lot of time lying about their feelings. They tell themselves that others haven't hurt them, even though they struggle with repressed anger and resentment. If internalized, anger and the words we would like to say can lead to very poor health and depression.

When abusive people hurt us, we may lie to them or to others about the abuse. We may cover up bruises, tell tales about how happy we are, or become perfectionists to cover up our pain. Whether our lies are verbal or something inherent in our actions, we must stop. If we truly want to live peaceful lives, we must speak out when things are amiss.

The fruit of the Spirit
This week, we've learned the importance of removing ourselves from conflicted relationships, trusting in God as our source of peace, leading simple and quiet lives to promote inner peace, and speaking the truth in love. Next week, we will look at ways to develop patience. Remember that this series is based on the fruit of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22. Have you memorized it yet?

Today's Challenge
Take some time today to consider whether you are a peacekeeper or a peacemaker. If you are prone to peacekeeping, find someone to help you learn how to stand up for yourself. Practice ways of speaking the truth in love when people hurt you.