Patience Can Calm a Quarrel

We continue today with our discussion about patience as part of my series, Thriving in God's Garden We are learning to apply the fruit of the Spirit to our lives, as found in Galatians 5:22.

What are you bickering about?
Proverbs 15:18 (NIV) tells us, A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.

We learned last week that a great deal of conflict stems from relationships with people who don't know God. What are you bickering about with them? Finances? The sharing of household duties? The way you spend your free time? Issues with child rearing? Something else?

We all have disagreements with others that try our patience. But if we can maintain our composure and take the time we need to avoid quarreling, we grow stronger and more confident. Exercising patience develops our ability to exhibit greater self-control.

Close your mouth and listen.
Often, an argument could be avoided if we simply took more time to listen. We get into shouting matches with people, because we want them to hear our point of view. We forget that theirs may be just as important.

So, if we find ourselves disagreeing loudly with someone, we need to zip our lips and try to use some patience. We should listen carefully to what is being said. Looking for underlying messages that the person may be having trouble expressing can be helpful.

Abusers talk in circles.
We discovered yesterday that wisdom helps us to be patient with others. Arguments with abusers may require more than patience. Knowing that abusive people tend to talk in circles can help us to reduce the number of arguments we have with them.

Circular arguing starts out with a disagreement about an issue, turns the blame on us, and then demands an apology for something we haven't done. For example, a husband may blame his wife for spoiling their evening together, even though she did her best to prepare dinner on time and put the children to bed on schedule.

In reality, the husband may have spoiled their time together with critical comments directed at his wife, impatience with the children, and unrealistic demands. When the wife tries to point out the obvious, he brings up numerous past incidents to make her feel guilty. When he demands an apology from her, her temper flares. She knows that most of the trouble is not her fault, but he's like a rabid dog that won't let her loose.

It is not easy to be patient with verbal abusers, because we know deep down that they're wrong when they blame us for things they have done. There is no winning an argument with them. So, instead of shouting louder or trying to use better logic on them, we must just end the conversation. We can quit talking or walk away.

Practice deflecting verbal abuse.
I learned a very helpful technique in deflecting the hurtful words of abusive people. Our body language can send a powerful message to them, which they pick up on much more quickly than words.

We can cross our arms, cross our legs, and look to the side. Most importantly, we must stop responding. These gestures work wonders to throw an abuser off balance. Within minutes, his blustering ends, and he walks away in frustration. Refusing to engage in quarreling with an abuser is an excellent way to develop patience. It also helps us move closer to recovery.

Today's Challenge
Practice deflecting an argument with an abusive person today. Try the body language suggested above and see what happens. Then, try to encourage conversation with someone else who is healthier by looking into their eyes, setting aside other tasks, and paraphrasing what they have said. This type of response to them helps us to develop patience and understanding.

Have a Heart Talk

Jack Canfield's Success Principle #49

When feelings between business associates, friends, or family members don't get expressed appropriately, tension builds. If we're trying to work together to reach our goals, we cannot succeed if there's emotional static confusing our conversations.

Use Heart Talks to foster communication.
Cliff Durfee created something called the Heart Talk process, which Jack recommends. It is a very structured communication system that is used to release unexpressed emotions. The Heart Talk fosters rapport, understanding, and intimacy between people.

When can heart talks be useful?
Heart Talks are useful before meetings, when an emotionally charged event occurs, when there is conflict between people or groups; and on a regular basis at home, in the office, and in the classroom.

How is a Heart Talk conducted?
Begin a Heart Talk with 2 to 10 people. Explain that by following the guidelines, a safe, nonjudgmental space will be created to support everyone. Assemble the members in a circle and introduce the basic rules:

1) Only the person holding the heart (or other object) talks.
2) No one judges or criticizes what anyone else has said.
3) Pass the object to the left after your turn.
4) Talk about how you feel.
5) Keep the information you hear confidential.
6) Don't leave the room until everyone agrees that the talk is complete.

Post these guidelines where everyone can see them. If someone gets off track, point to the guideline they've broken.

Go around the group at least once so that everyone gets a turn. Keep starting over with the first person and going around until nobody has anything else to say. In that case, say 'pass' when the object reaches you.

What benefits can be expected from a Heart Talk?
A Heart Talk enhances people's listening skills, provides a constructive outlet for feelings, improves conflict resolution skills, enables people to let go of old resentments, develops mutual respect and understanding, and creates a sense of unity among the members.

More thoughts about the Heart Talk process.
I wish that I had known about the Heart Talk process before the holidays. It might have prevented the disastrous outcome we experienced when someone in the family verbally abused others and then stomped out in anger. The rest of us would have all been able to express our feelings honestly and completely if we had known about this process. As it is, we are left with unresolved emotions that are difficult to bring up.

Proverbs 29:22 (NIV) reads, An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins. I'm certain that the Heart Talk process probably works with most people. But I'm not so sure that abusers can be trusted within such a group. They generally have an agenda, and they typically remain angry, no matter what others do to try to help them. Beware of setting yourself up for further abuse if you attempt to do this one on one with an abusive person.

Today's Challenge
Choose to have a Heart Talk with an individual or small group of people today. Post the guidelines and facilitate the activity. Send me your comments about the outcome.

Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com