We continue with my series, Confident in God's Hands, with a look at our reactions to challenges in life. If we want to become more confident, we need to reconsider how we respond to chaos.
A fireman's life
A friend of mine is a fireman, and he leads a much different life from the rest of us. At times, it is difficult to connect with him, because he's on duty at the fire station. He keeps busy there, maintaining the equipment and training for emergencies.
When the buzzer sounds at the station, my friend rushes off with his team to fires, car accidents, floods, downed trees, and many other emergencies. He doesn't mind doing the maintenance work, but he lives for the rush he feels whenever that alarm goes off.
Are you a chaos junkie?
If we've been victims of abuse or trauma, we are very much like my friend, the fireman. The constant turmoil of our past causes us to crave more of the same. Even though we know it's not healthy for us to live like this, we unwittingly do whatever it takes to replicate the crisis-centered life we once knew.
We may leave an abusive marriage and then connect with another partner who is equally unkind to us. Or we may attempt to create a lifestyle full of 'adventure,' which everyone else can clearly see is a thin veil for chaos.
None of us does this intentionally. It's just part of the way we're wired. Abuse or trauma has programmed our brains to look for more emergencies, just as my fireman friend does. We feel antsy unless we're racing from one disaster to another.
If we do find our way out of an abusive situation or we survive something as traumatic as combat, we may look for other ways to create emotional chaos. We choose jobs that feel similar to our abusive or traumatic past, such as that of fireman, emergency room doctor, soldier, or inner-city social worker.
If our jobs don't give us the rush we're seeking, we volunteer our services in places where there is an element of danger. If we can't find the thrill we seek through relationships, work or volunteerism, we constantly rescue people who don't have the sense to run from fire. Whatever it takes, we find a way to add some chaos back into our days.
God doesn't want us playing with fire.
What does God think about our penchant for playing with fire? The prophet, Isaiah, told the nation of Israel, Who out there fears God, actually listens to the voice of his servant? For anyone out there who doesn't know where you're going, anyone groping in the dark, Here's what: Trust in God. Lean on your God! But if all you're after is making trouble, playing with fire, Go ahead and see where it gets you. Set your fires, stir people up, blow on the flames, But don't expect me to just stand there and watch. I'll hold your feet to those flames. (Isaiah 50:10 MSG)
For the past year, I have been writing about the importance of discovering God's plan for our lives and following it. Sometimes, I feel as frustrated as Isaiah when I meet people who have no clue why they're on earth. I suspect that many of them are so frazzled from running around and putting out fires that they can't think straight. I also suspect that quite a few of them are setting the fires in the first place.
Until we step back from the chaos of our lives and identify the fires, we'll be forever compelled to chase down the smoke. God has beautiful plans for our future, but we've got to quit the fire department first.
Today's Challenge
Are you chasing fires? Or are you actually setting them? Take some time to step back and assess what you're doing with your life. If you're a chaos junkie, find a professional counselor who can help you to identify how you're wasting your time with fires and then get on with the plans God has for your future.
Showing posts with label Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Stop Slouching
We're learning about how to feel more confident during my series, Confident in God's Hands. So far, we've looked at our fears and anxieties, considering whether or not we might have some serious issues with PTSD following trauma. Now, we're going to get to work, learning some simple tactics to build self-confidence.
Appearance says a lot about us.
Our physical appearance says a lot about how we feel. If we walk with our shoulders hunched forward, our heads down, and our eyes on the ground, it sends a powerful message to everyone we meet. It says we're not confident, we feel inferior, and we've got VICTIM stamped on our foreheads.
The Song of Solomon 5:10 (MSG) describes the attributes of the perfect man, including the following phrase: He stands tall, like a cedar, strong and deep-rooted. God has designed us all to stand tall. Are we feeling and looking as strong and deep-rooted as a mighty tree?
Stand tall.
A car accident nearly a year ago left me with a frozen shoulder. For six months, I've been through grueling physical therapy exercises in an effort to regain the full use of my arm. I've been whining about the huge amount of time this has taken from my schedule, but I realize now that I've benefited in more ways than one.
While I have finally regained the full range of motion in my shoulder, I've gained something far more valuable. I recognize that slouching had taken a toll on my health and on my self-confidence.
Something new and wonderful began happening to me on the days that I attended physical therapy sessions. Afterward, complete strangers were smiling at me and saying hello. At first, I couldn't figure out why this was happening. But over time, I began to see that the friendly greetings were directly related to my improved posture.
Look around.
When I understood that my posture affected how others perceived me, I began to look around at the people I met. What was their posture telling the world? I saw that the majority of people have awful posture, and their appearance reflects the toll it may be taking on their self-confidence.
What is your posture saying? Are you slumped over, because you're depressed, stressed, tired, worried, or burned-out? You can change how others perceive you and how you feel about yourself by simply changing your posture.
Exercises for improved posture.
There are two simple exercises that anyone can do to improve posture. Start out with 6 repetitions of each one and work up to 30.
1) Stand straight, as if someone were holding you by a string attached to the top of your rib cage. Drop your shoulder blades down and pinch them together. Hold for a count of 5 seconds. Repeat 6 to 30 times.
2) Reach forward with your hands and pull back your elbows as far as possible, as if you were rowing a boat. Pinch your shoulder blades together. Hold for a count of 5 seconds. Repeat 6 to 30 times.
These two exercises can get you off to a good start toward improving your posture and boosting your self-confidence. Tomorrow, we'll take a look at other methods for improving our self-image.
Today's Homework
Stand in front of a mirror and assess your posture. Or better yet, have someone take a picture of you from the side. Review what you see. Are you slouching? Take action today to improve your posture so that you will feel and look more confident.
Appearance says a lot about us.
Our physical appearance says a lot about how we feel. If we walk with our shoulders hunched forward, our heads down, and our eyes on the ground, it sends a powerful message to everyone we meet. It says we're not confident, we feel inferior, and we've got VICTIM stamped on our foreheads.
The Song of Solomon 5:10 (MSG) describes the attributes of the perfect man, including the following phrase: He stands tall, like a cedar, strong and deep-rooted. God has designed us all to stand tall. Are we feeling and looking as strong and deep-rooted as a mighty tree?
Stand tall.
A car accident nearly a year ago left me with a frozen shoulder. For six months, I've been through grueling physical therapy exercises in an effort to regain the full use of my arm. I've been whining about the huge amount of time this has taken from my schedule, but I realize now that I've benefited in more ways than one.
While I have finally regained the full range of motion in my shoulder, I've gained something far more valuable. I recognize that slouching had taken a toll on my health and on my self-confidence.
Something new and wonderful began happening to me on the days that I attended physical therapy sessions. Afterward, complete strangers were smiling at me and saying hello. At first, I couldn't figure out why this was happening. But over time, I began to see that the friendly greetings were directly related to my improved posture.
Look around.
When I understood that my posture affected how others perceived me, I began to look around at the people I met. What was their posture telling the world? I saw that the majority of people have awful posture, and their appearance reflects the toll it may be taking on their self-confidence.
What is your posture saying? Are you slumped over, because you're depressed, stressed, tired, worried, or burned-out? You can change how others perceive you and how you feel about yourself by simply changing your posture.
Exercises for improved posture.
There are two simple exercises that anyone can do to improve posture. Start out with 6 repetitions of each one and work up to 30.
1) Stand straight, as if someone were holding you by a string attached to the top of your rib cage. Drop your shoulder blades down and pinch them together. Hold for a count of 5 seconds. Repeat 6 to 30 times.
2) Reach forward with your hands and pull back your elbows as far as possible, as if you were rowing a boat. Pinch your shoulder blades together. Hold for a count of 5 seconds. Repeat 6 to 30 times.
These two exercises can get you off to a good start toward improving your posture and boosting your self-confidence. Tomorrow, we'll take a look at other methods for improving our self-image.
Today's Homework
Stand in front of a mirror and assess your posture. Or better yet, have someone take a picture of you from the side. Review what you see. Are you slouching? Take action today to improve your posture so that you will feel and look more confident.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Myths About PTSD
I wrote about PTSD yesterday in my series, Confident in God's Hands. Some comments from readers made me realize that there are a lot of myths about PTSD. I would like to address them today, because if you're suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it will be difficult to develop much confidence.
Myth #1
PTSD is completely disabling.
Many people believe that someone suffering from PTSD is totally disabled. This may be true for people with very recent and severe PTSD, but it is not true for all people suffering from the disorder. Some survivors of trauma are able to hold down jobs, manage families, and look as if they lead normal lives.
I was diagnosed with PTSD about 15 years ago, as a result of nearly 20 years of marital abuse, following childhood sexual abuse and a rape during college. Prior to my diagnosis, I had managed to finish all of the coursework for a doctorate degree, raise three children, and hold a full-time teaching job.
While I may have appeared normal to the rest of the world, I was far from it. I coped by sleeping only three hours a night and working extremely long hours to accomplish what others could do in half the time. PTSD definitely affects our ability to work and to enjoy normal relationships. But it is not necessarily as completely disabling as many people think it is.
Myth #2
PTSD only affects combat veterans.
While it is true that combat veterans frequently return home with PTSD, they are not the only ones who develop this disorder. Women are more likely than men to suffer from PTSD, and children may be diagnosed with it.
We adopted eight-year-old twins from Ethiopia a number of years ago. They both had such severe PTSD from having been abandoned and sexually abused that they could not function within a family setting. They both disrupted their adoption and went on to live in a group home for similarly disturbed children.
Anyone who experiences a traumatic event will respond in the same way as the next person. The human mind is wired to either fight or flee when in danger. Trauma can lead to body chemistry changes that continuously trigger this fight or flight response, even when danger is not present. Whether man, woman, or child, PTSD will occur to anyone if the conditions are right for it.
Myth #3
People with PTSD are weaker than average.
Having PTSD does not mean that we are weaker than the average person. As stated above, it is a natural bodily response to trauma. However, some people are more prone to develop PTSD than others are.
If a trauma survivor has a family history of depression or anxiety, they may be more likely to develop PTSD than the average person. The disorder is more likely to occur if the survivor is a child or if a number of traumatic events occur over and over again in a short span of time.
Our twins developed severe PTSD, because they were sexually abused by a number of people on numerous occasions over a long period of time. They were not born weaker minded than the average person, but constant trauma led to more serious impairments than most victims exhibit.
Myth #4
People with PTSD are just over-reacting.
People with PTSD are not drama queens looking for attention. The disorder occurs when we experience or witness a traumatic event and feel that our life or someone else's life is in jeopardy. Domestic violence can create the same intensity of symptoms that combat veterans develop.
I was once told by a psychiatrist that marital abuse had had the same effect on my brain as if I had been a prisoner of war. Both domestic violence survivors and prisoners of war experience trauma, witness others being traumatized, and believe that death may be imminent.
Learning how severe abuse had affected me helped me to understand that I was not just over-reacting. I had always felt compassion for prisoners of war, who had no control over the brain-washing they received. After learning that emotional abuse has the same effect as brain-washing during war, I became more understanding and gentle with myself.
Myth #5
People with PTSD are crazy.
Survivors of trauma are no more crazy than the average person. They are merely responding as God designed them to when they experienced danger. However, their fight or flight response button is stuck in the ON mode.
My husband is, in my opinion, a very stable person with a healthy mind. However, as a combat veteran, he still struggles at times with flashbacks from a very traumatic experience caused by the Persian Gulf crisis.
When remodelers at the hospital began using a nail gun to install trim, Joe experienced classic symptoms of PTSD. His heart pounded, he broke out in a sweat, and fear gripped him. He remembered the day when his camp was bombed with chemical weapons, and he was overcome by the fear of dying.
Joe's response to the nail gun means that his brain is still wired to fight or flee in some circumstances that remind him of that traumatic day in the desert. But it doesn't mean that he's crazy.
Myth #6
People with PTSD are never the same again.
It is true that PTSD changes how we view the world. We are never the same, but it doesn't mean that we can't learn to overcome it and enjoy ourselves again. We will never forget the trauma, but we don't have to constantly live with the negative effects of it.
Like my husband, most people who have suffered from PTSD will always need to cope with it on some level. Instead of daily flashbacks, we may eventually get to the point where we only have one per year. PTSD never completely goes away, but we can learn to control the severity of the symptoms.
There is a lot of help available for people with PTSD, but they must tap into these resources in order to regain control over the symptoms. Some people say that the trauma changes them for the better, because it makes them more aware of who they are.
God did not design me to be abused and traumatized repeatedly throughout my life. However, he has helped me to adapt when challenges occur so that I can still be an asset in our world. I am using my traumatic experiences to help others learn how to thrive.
Myth #7
I can get over PTSD by myself.
Genesis 28:15 reads, I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. I have found tremendous peace and strength from knowing that God never leaves me. Through prayer and Scripture reading, I have often leaned on him whenever PTSD has become overwhelming.
There is some truth in the statement that time heals all wounds. PTSD, if treated properly, does become less problematic over the years. However, I don't think that prayer or time alone will cure PTSD. God provides for us frequently through other means, such as medications and mental health counseling. We need to take advantage of the help he gives us.
PTSD is not something we should take lightly or attempt to self-treat. Many people who do try to treat the symptoms wind up with issues related to either alcohol or drug abuse. Self-medicating with prescription pain killers is a common path taken by survivors of trauma and abuse.
Today's Challenge
After reading the myths about PTSD, how has your thinking changed? Do you, or someone you know, suffer from PTSD? Help is available, but it is up to the person with PTSD to take the first step.
Myth #1
PTSD is completely disabling.
Many people believe that someone suffering from PTSD is totally disabled. This may be true for people with very recent and severe PTSD, but it is not true for all people suffering from the disorder. Some survivors of trauma are able to hold down jobs, manage families, and look as if they lead normal lives.
I was diagnosed with PTSD about 15 years ago, as a result of nearly 20 years of marital abuse, following childhood sexual abuse and a rape during college. Prior to my diagnosis, I had managed to finish all of the coursework for a doctorate degree, raise three children, and hold a full-time teaching job.
While I may have appeared normal to the rest of the world, I was far from it. I coped by sleeping only three hours a night and working extremely long hours to accomplish what others could do in half the time. PTSD definitely affects our ability to work and to enjoy normal relationships. But it is not necessarily as completely disabling as many people think it is.
Myth #2
PTSD only affects combat veterans.
While it is true that combat veterans frequently return home with PTSD, they are not the only ones who develop this disorder. Women are more likely than men to suffer from PTSD, and children may be diagnosed with it.
We adopted eight-year-old twins from Ethiopia a number of years ago. They both had such severe PTSD from having been abandoned and sexually abused that they could not function within a family setting. They both disrupted their adoption and went on to live in a group home for similarly disturbed children.
Anyone who experiences a traumatic event will respond in the same way as the next person. The human mind is wired to either fight or flee when in danger. Trauma can lead to body chemistry changes that continuously trigger this fight or flight response, even when danger is not present. Whether man, woman, or child, PTSD will occur to anyone if the conditions are right for it.
Myth #3
People with PTSD are weaker than average.
Having PTSD does not mean that we are weaker than the average person. As stated above, it is a natural bodily response to trauma. However, some people are more prone to develop PTSD than others are.
If a trauma survivor has a family history of depression or anxiety, they may be more likely to develop PTSD than the average person. The disorder is more likely to occur if the survivor is a child or if a number of traumatic events occur over and over again in a short span of time.
Our twins developed severe PTSD, because they were sexually abused by a number of people on numerous occasions over a long period of time. They were not born weaker minded than the average person, but constant trauma led to more serious impairments than most victims exhibit.
Myth #4
People with PTSD are just over-reacting.
People with PTSD are not drama queens looking for attention. The disorder occurs when we experience or witness a traumatic event and feel that our life or someone else's life is in jeopardy. Domestic violence can create the same intensity of symptoms that combat veterans develop.
I was once told by a psychiatrist that marital abuse had had the same effect on my brain as if I had been a prisoner of war. Both domestic violence survivors and prisoners of war experience trauma, witness others being traumatized, and believe that death may be imminent.
Learning how severe abuse had affected me helped me to understand that I was not just over-reacting. I had always felt compassion for prisoners of war, who had no control over the brain-washing they received. After learning that emotional abuse has the same effect as brain-washing during war, I became more understanding and gentle with myself.
Myth #5
People with PTSD are crazy.
Survivors of trauma are no more crazy than the average person. They are merely responding as God designed them to when they experienced danger. However, their fight or flight response button is stuck in the ON mode.
My husband is, in my opinion, a very stable person with a healthy mind. However, as a combat veteran, he still struggles at times with flashbacks from a very traumatic experience caused by the Persian Gulf crisis.
When remodelers at the hospital began using a nail gun to install trim, Joe experienced classic symptoms of PTSD. His heart pounded, he broke out in a sweat, and fear gripped him. He remembered the day when his camp was bombed with chemical weapons, and he was overcome by the fear of dying.
Joe's response to the nail gun means that his brain is still wired to fight or flee in some circumstances that remind him of that traumatic day in the desert. But it doesn't mean that he's crazy.
Myth #6
People with PTSD are never the same again.
It is true that PTSD changes how we view the world. We are never the same, but it doesn't mean that we can't learn to overcome it and enjoy ourselves again. We will never forget the trauma, but we don't have to constantly live with the negative effects of it.
Like my husband, most people who have suffered from PTSD will always need to cope with it on some level. Instead of daily flashbacks, we may eventually get to the point where we only have one per year. PTSD never completely goes away, but we can learn to control the severity of the symptoms.
There is a lot of help available for people with PTSD, but they must tap into these resources in order to regain control over the symptoms. Some people say that the trauma changes them for the better, because it makes them more aware of who they are.
God did not design me to be abused and traumatized repeatedly throughout my life. However, he has helped me to adapt when challenges occur so that I can still be an asset in our world. I am using my traumatic experiences to help others learn how to thrive.
Myth #7
I can get over PTSD by myself.
Genesis 28:15 reads, I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. I have found tremendous peace and strength from knowing that God never leaves me. Through prayer and Scripture reading, I have often leaned on him whenever PTSD has become overwhelming.
There is some truth in the statement that time heals all wounds. PTSD, if treated properly, does become less problematic over the years. However, I don't think that prayer or time alone will cure PTSD. God provides for us frequently through other means, such as medications and mental health counseling. We need to take advantage of the help he gives us.
PTSD is not something we should take lightly or attempt to self-treat. Many people who do try to treat the symptoms wind up with issues related to either alcohol or drug abuse. Self-medicating with prescription pain killers is a common path taken by survivors of trauma and abuse.
Today's Challenge
After reading the myths about PTSD, how has your thinking changed? Do you, or someone you know, suffer from PTSD? Help is available, but it is up to the person with PTSD to take the first step.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Are You Suffering From PTSD?
We continue this week with my series, Confident in God's Hands. The purpose of this journey is to help readers identify why they lack self-esteem, and then to equip them to grow more confident. Last week, we took a look at anxiety and considered how extreme fears may be robbing us of the joy we would like to experience. Today, I would like to address the signs and symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
What causes PTSD?
Any trauma can cause a person to develop PTSD, but not everyone ends up with this disorder. Childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, auto accidents, natural disasters, and war can all trigger PTSD. The illness can be accompanied by depression, substance abuse, or anxiety disorders.
When do symptoms of PTSD begin?
The symptoms of PTSD usually begin within three months of the trauma. However, some people don't exhibit them until years later. Sometimes PTSD is misdiagnosed as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), generalized anxiety disorder, or depression.
I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until I was in my late thirties, nearly three decades after the first traumatic event occurred. At first, I was misdiagnosed with ADHD and depression. It wasn't until several years later that a psychologist well-versed in diagnosing PTSD figured it out.
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
In order to be diagnosed with PTSD, a group of some of the following symptoms must be present for at least one month. They include:
-exaggerated startle response
-loss of interest in usual activities
-trouble feeling affectionate
-irritability
-aggression
-violent outbursts
-flashbacks (reliving the trauma during the day)
-nightmares (dreaming about the trauma whenever sleeping)
-feeling emotionally numb, particularly with people who were once close
-avoiding situations which are similar to the trauma
-struggling with the anniversary of the trauma
My experiences with PTSD
If you interrupt me while I'm engrossed in something, you can clearly see what an exaggerated startle response looks like. Joe knows better than to sneak up behind me and tickle me. If he does inadvertently startle me, my heart pounds, my hands shake, and I feel as if I'm about to faint or throw up. For several hours afterward, I feel completely wiped out.
I have frequent flashbacks during the day, particularly if I'm doing something mindless, such as driving or washing dishes. Something inconsequential, such as the scent of the dish liquid, can trigger a flashback. My mind replays the traumatic event, and eventually I come back to present day with a sense that I've lost a chunk of time.
At night, my mind works overtime to warn me of dangers which are no longer present. I dream about the people who traumatized me in situations where I felt little or no control. Generally, I wake up feeling very helpless and depressed, and I have to remind myself that the dreams are not real.
What is the outlook for people with PTSD?
The course of PTSD varies. Some people recover within six months, while others have symptoms that last much longer. In some people, the condition becomes chronic.
Receiving a diagnosis of PTSD isn't all bad. For me, it was a relief to understand that there was an underlying cause to the exaggerated startle response, depression, chronic flashbacks, and nightmares. Knowing what the problem was gave me the opportunity to work at getting better. Medication combined with extensive psychotherapy helped considerably.
I am much better today than I was ten years ago. And I anticipate that I will continue to improve with time. I believe the outlook is quite promising, provided we get appropriate treatment.
Today's Challenge
Are you suffering from exaggerated startle responses, loss of interest in your usual activities, trouble feeling affectionate, irritability, aggression, violent outbursts, flashbacks, or nightmares? Do you feel emotionally numb? Are you avoiding situations that remind you of a traumatic incident? Is the anniversary of the trauma still bothering you? If you answered yes to a number of these questions, you may want to consider seeking the help of a professional counselor. There is hope for recovery from PTSD, but it is important to get some support for it.
All things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27 NIV)
What causes PTSD?
Any trauma can cause a person to develop PTSD, but not everyone ends up with this disorder. Childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, auto accidents, natural disasters, and war can all trigger PTSD. The illness can be accompanied by depression, substance abuse, or anxiety disorders.
When do symptoms of PTSD begin?
The symptoms of PTSD usually begin within three months of the trauma. However, some people don't exhibit them until years later. Sometimes PTSD is misdiagnosed as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), generalized anxiety disorder, or depression.
I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until I was in my late thirties, nearly three decades after the first traumatic event occurred. At first, I was misdiagnosed with ADHD and depression. It wasn't until several years later that a psychologist well-versed in diagnosing PTSD figured it out.
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
In order to be diagnosed with PTSD, a group of some of the following symptoms must be present for at least one month. They include:
-exaggerated startle response
-loss of interest in usual activities
-trouble feeling affectionate
-irritability
-aggression
-violent outbursts
-flashbacks (reliving the trauma during the day)
-nightmares (dreaming about the trauma whenever sleeping)
-feeling emotionally numb, particularly with people who were once close
-avoiding situations which are similar to the trauma
-struggling with the anniversary of the trauma
My experiences with PTSD
If you interrupt me while I'm engrossed in something, you can clearly see what an exaggerated startle response looks like. Joe knows better than to sneak up behind me and tickle me. If he does inadvertently startle me, my heart pounds, my hands shake, and I feel as if I'm about to faint or throw up. For several hours afterward, I feel completely wiped out.
I have frequent flashbacks during the day, particularly if I'm doing something mindless, such as driving or washing dishes. Something inconsequential, such as the scent of the dish liquid, can trigger a flashback. My mind replays the traumatic event, and eventually I come back to present day with a sense that I've lost a chunk of time.
At night, my mind works overtime to warn me of dangers which are no longer present. I dream about the people who traumatized me in situations where I felt little or no control. Generally, I wake up feeling very helpless and depressed, and I have to remind myself that the dreams are not real.
What is the outlook for people with PTSD?
The course of PTSD varies. Some people recover within six months, while others have symptoms that last much longer. In some people, the condition becomes chronic.
Receiving a diagnosis of PTSD isn't all bad. For me, it was a relief to understand that there was an underlying cause to the exaggerated startle response, depression, chronic flashbacks, and nightmares. Knowing what the problem was gave me the opportunity to work at getting better. Medication combined with extensive psychotherapy helped considerably.
I am much better today than I was ten years ago. And I anticipate that I will continue to improve with time. I believe the outlook is quite promising, provided we get appropriate treatment.
Today's Challenge
Are you suffering from exaggerated startle responses, loss of interest in your usual activities, trouble feeling affectionate, irritability, aggression, violent outbursts, flashbacks, or nightmares? Do you feel emotionally numb? Are you avoiding situations that remind you of a traumatic incident? Is the anniversary of the trauma still bothering you? If you answered yes to a number of these questions, you may want to consider seeking the help of a professional counselor. There is hope for recovery from PTSD, but it is important to get some support for it.
All things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27 NIV)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Developing Patience in Affliction
We are learning about patience this week as we continue with my series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study is based on Galatians 5:22, known as the fruit of the Spirit.
Be patient in affliction.
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:12 (NIV), Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. We've already learned how to increase our joy, and we're going to look at faithfulness in a few weeks. For today, I'd like to focus on being patient during times of affliction.
As survivors of abuse or trauma, most of us have a pretty good idea what it means to be afflicted. Abuse and trauma leave us with anger, fear, lack of trust, poor self-esteem, guilt, thoughts of revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. So how are we supposed to be patient while dealing with these problems?
Affliction can help us to develop patience.
Several years ago, I suffered from an illness that caused complete paralysis of my left arm and leg. My arm began functioning again relatively quickly, but my leg took months.
Paralysis meant that I spent months on end, lying in bed at home by myself while Joe and the kids went off during the day to work and school. Staring at my bedroom walls nearly drove me insane. I finally discovered two things that helped.
First, God's Word helped me to focus on his promises for my future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) was especially helpful: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I put all of my hope in this promise for a better future.
Second, creating a new purpose for myself made a big difference. I got a laptop and began writing short stories just to entertain myself.
One Sunday morning, a man I had never met approached me in my wheelchair to ask if he could pray for me. While he was wheeling me out of church after services to help me get in my car, he asked how I spent my time. When I told him I was a writer, he offered me a job on the spot as an editor for one of the medical journals that he published.
Don't dwell on the pain.
No matter what type of afflicton we are dealing with, we must trust that God has a better future for us. If we are patient and look to him for guidance, he will line up the right people at the right time so that doors open for us unexpectedly.
So, be patient if you're suffering through a hard time right now. God knows what plans he has for you. Read his promises and find something to occupy your mind until he brings about a change for the better.
Today's Challenge
If you're stuck in a difficult situation, find something productive to do that will take your mind off the pain. Follow your heart's desire in choosing a new activity, and God will do something good with it.
Be patient in affliction.
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:12 (NIV), Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. We've already learned how to increase our joy, and we're going to look at faithfulness in a few weeks. For today, I'd like to focus on being patient during times of affliction.
As survivors of abuse or trauma, most of us have a pretty good idea what it means to be afflicted. Abuse and trauma leave us with anger, fear, lack of trust, poor self-esteem, guilt, thoughts of revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. So how are we supposed to be patient while dealing with these problems?
Affliction can help us to develop patience.
Several years ago, I suffered from an illness that caused complete paralysis of my left arm and leg. My arm began functioning again relatively quickly, but my leg took months.
Paralysis meant that I spent months on end, lying in bed at home by myself while Joe and the kids went off during the day to work and school. Staring at my bedroom walls nearly drove me insane. I finally discovered two things that helped.
First, God's Word helped me to focus on his promises for my future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) was especially helpful: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I put all of my hope in this promise for a better future.
Second, creating a new purpose for myself made a big difference. I got a laptop and began writing short stories just to entertain myself.
One Sunday morning, a man I had never met approached me in my wheelchair to ask if he could pray for me. While he was wheeling me out of church after services to help me get in my car, he asked how I spent my time. When I told him I was a writer, he offered me a job on the spot as an editor for one of the medical journals that he published.
Don't dwell on the pain.
No matter what type of afflicton we are dealing with, we must trust that God has a better future for us. If we are patient and look to him for guidance, he will line up the right people at the right time so that doors open for us unexpectedly.
So, be patient if you're suffering through a hard time right now. God knows what plans he has for you. Read his promises and find something to occupy your mind until he brings about a change for the better.
Today's Challenge
If you're stuck in a difficult situation, find something productive to do that will take your mind off the pain. Follow your heart's desire in choosing a new activity, and God will do something good with it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Patience Can Calm a Quarrel
We continue today with our discussion about patience as part of my series, Thriving in God's Garden We are learning to apply the fruit of the Spirit to our lives, as found in Galatians 5:22.
What are you bickering about?
Proverbs 15:18 (NIV) tells us, A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
We learned last week that a great deal of conflict stems from relationships with people who don't know God. What are you bickering about with them? Finances? The sharing of household duties? The way you spend your free time? Issues with child rearing? Something else?
We all have disagreements with others that try our patience. But if we can maintain our composure and take the time we need to avoid quarreling, we grow stronger and more confident. Exercising patience develops our ability to exhibit greater self-control.
Close your mouth and listen.
Often, an argument could be avoided if we simply took more time to listen. We get into shouting matches with people, because we want them to hear our point of view. We forget that theirs may be just as important.
So, if we find ourselves disagreeing loudly with someone, we need to zip our lips and try to use some patience. We should listen carefully to what is being said. Looking for underlying messages that the person may be having trouble expressing can be helpful.
Abusers talk in circles.
We discovered yesterday that wisdom helps us to be patient with others. Arguments with abusers may require more than patience. Knowing that abusive people tend to talk in circles can help us to reduce the number of arguments we have with them.
Circular arguing starts out with a disagreement about an issue, turns the blame on us, and then demands an apology for something we haven't done. For example, a husband may blame his wife for spoiling their evening together, even though she did her best to prepare dinner on time and put the children to bed on schedule.
In reality, the husband may have spoiled their time together with critical comments directed at his wife, impatience with the children, and unrealistic demands. When the wife tries to point out the obvious, he brings up numerous past incidents to make her feel guilty. When he demands an apology from her, her temper flares. She knows that most of the trouble is not her fault, but he's like a rabid dog that won't let her loose.
It is not easy to be patient with verbal abusers, because we know deep down that they're wrong when they blame us for things they have done. There is no winning an argument with them. So, instead of shouting louder or trying to use better logic on them, we must just end the conversation. We can quit talking or walk away.
Practice deflecting verbal abuse.
I learned a very helpful technique in deflecting the hurtful words of abusive people. Our body language can send a powerful message to them, which they pick up on much more quickly than words.
We can cross our arms, cross our legs, and look to the side. Most importantly, we must stop responding. These gestures work wonders to throw an abuser off balance. Within minutes, his blustering ends, and he walks away in frustration. Refusing to engage in quarreling with an abuser is an excellent way to develop patience. It also helps us move closer to recovery.
Today's Challenge
Practice deflecting an argument with an abusive person today. Try the body language suggested above and see what happens. Then, try to encourage conversation with someone else who is healthier by looking into their eyes, setting aside other tasks, and paraphrasing what they have said. This type of response to them helps us to develop patience and understanding.
What are you bickering about?
Proverbs 15:18 (NIV) tells us, A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
We learned last week that a great deal of conflict stems from relationships with people who don't know God. What are you bickering about with them? Finances? The sharing of household duties? The way you spend your free time? Issues with child rearing? Something else?
We all have disagreements with others that try our patience. But if we can maintain our composure and take the time we need to avoid quarreling, we grow stronger and more confident. Exercising patience develops our ability to exhibit greater self-control.
Close your mouth and listen.
Often, an argument could be avoided if we simply took more time to listen. We get into shouting matches with people, because we want them to hear our point of view. We forget that theirs may be just as important.
So, if we find ourselves disagreeing loudly with someone, we need to zip our lips and try to use some patience. We should listen carefully to what is being said. Looking for underlying messages that the person may be having trouble expressing can be helpful.
Abusers talk in circles.
We discovered yesterday that wisdom helps us to be patient with others. Arguments with abusers may require more than patience. Knowing that abusive people tend to talk in circles can help us to reduce the number of arguments we have with them.
Circular arguing starts out with a disagreement about an issue, turns the blame on us, and then demands an apology for something we haven't done. For example, a husband may blame his wife for spoiling their evening together, even though she did her best to prepare dinner on time and put the children to bed on schedule.
In reality, the husband may have spoiled their time together with critical comments directed at his wife, impatience with the children, and unrealistic demands. When the wife tries to point out the obvious, he brings up numerous past incidents to make her feel guilty. When he demands an apology from her, her temper flares. She knows that most of the trouble is not her fault, but he's like a rabid dog that won't let her loose.
It is not easy to be patient with verbal abusers, because we know deep down that they're wrong when they blame us for things they have done. There is no winning an argument with them. So, instead of shouting louder or trying to use better logic on them, we must just end the conversation. We can quit talking or walk away.
Practice deflecting verbal abuse.
I learned a very helpful technique in deflecting the hurtful words of abusive people. Our body language can send a powerful message to them, which they pick up on much more quickly than words.
We can cross our arms, cross our legs, and look to the side. Most importantly, we must stop responding. These gestures work wonders to throw an abuser off balance. Within minutes, his blustering ends, and he walks away in frustration. Refusing to engage in quarreling with an abuser is an excellent way to develop patience. It also helps us move closer to recovery.
Today's Challenge
Practice deflecting an argument with an abusive person today. Try the body language suggested above and see what happens. Then, try to encourage conversation with someone else who is healthier by looking into their eyes, setting aside other tasks, and paraphrasing what they have said. This type of response to them helps us to develop patience and understanding.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Conflict is the Absence of Peace
We will be learning this week about how to achieve peace in our ongoing series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study is based on the fruit of the Spirit, which is found in Galatians 5:22 (NIV): But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentlenesss and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Got peace?
Before we talk about how to achieve peace, I would like to address what happens when we have an absence of it. Because if we have a disagreement with someone, it can affect everything we do.
If we allow a conflict to go on without speaking our peace, forgiving one another, and reconciling; we can get stuck in a very uncomfortable place. We may find ourselves dreaming about the problem, thinking about the disagreement instead of working, and suffering from depression and physical ailments. We know that we must settle the problem so that we can get back to the business of living.
Some disagreements are relatively easy to settle. When we say something that our spouse takes the wrong way, and he lashes back in defense mode, all it takes is a short discussion to get things back on track.
But when our disagreement involves something as serious as childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or criminal acts; it is much more difficult to achieve a sense of inner peace. We long for an opportunity to settle the matter so that we can begin our lives over again.
God knows the way to peace.
God's Word reminds us that he desires peace for us, but we get ourselves into situations where we can never achieve it. Isaiah 48:17-22 (NIV) reads:
This is what the Lord says--your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendents would have been like the sand, your children like its numberless grains; their name would never be cut off nor destroyed from before me."
Leave Babylon, flee from the Babylonians! Announce this with shouts of joy and proclaim it out to the ends of the earth; say, 'The Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob.' They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts; he made water flow for them from the rock; he split the rock and water gushed out. "There is no peace" says the Lord, "for the wicked."
God knows when we have strayed into wrong relationships, and he will lead us away from them to a place of safety if we trust him. Just as he told the Israelites of long ago to flee from the wicked Babylonians, he is telling us today to flee from wicked people. With them, there can never be peace.
Go to a peaceful place.
If we find ourselves in situations where people are continuing to abuse us or commit crimes against us, we cannot find the lasting peace God wants us to have there. We must find a peaceful place where we can work on restoring our souls.
Sometimes, we are not in a position to remove ourselves from the house or apartment that we share with an abusive partner. In cases like this, finding a little space where we find peace can be a good beginning.
In my first marriage, I discovered a place of safety in the bonus room over our garage. I bought a dead-bolt lock, installed it on the door, and barricaded myself in that room at night so that I could sleep. In my sanctuary, I had time to think about other things besides defending myself against further abuse.
When we find ourselves living like this, our first thoughts should be about how we are going to move to a place of peace. I considered going to a safe house, but doing so would have created tremendous upheaval for my children.
I met women during this time in my life who were running with their children from one safe house to the next. They were terrified of being caught by their abusers, and they lived like criminals on the run. Sadly, the government often treats such abused women as kidnappers when their spouses file charges against them for denying them access to the children.
And when the situation really escalates out of control, women on the run are found dead...murdered by their abusers. I was shocked when I discovered that one of the women in my discussion group had been killed by her husband. He had beaten her to a pulp, and when she tried to run, he drove over her with the family car.
Statistics tell us that 70 percent of women who try to leave abusive relationships are murdered. This is a sobering number, and it ought to make us think hard about how we are going to remove ourselves and our children safely.
Get help.
It is best to enlist the aid of a professional therapist and the police when attempting to leave an abusive relationship. The therapist bolsters our courage, and the police keep an eye on the abuser.
Before leaving, it is imperative to file for a restraining order. This is a court order that is free and relatively easy to obtain. In my state, all I had to do was prove that my abuser had harmed me twice within a span of two weeks.
The proof can be hand-written documentation of threats, photos of injuries, receipts from emergency room treatments, recordings of telephone messages, and so on. The court tends to err on the side of the person claiming the abuse, because people's lives are at stake.
Eventually, there must be a hearing to prove these claims, so this is where the therapist is helpful. It can be terrifying to face an abuser in court, but there are many supportive people who can stand by us in the process.
Conflict leaves many scars.
Achieving a sense of peace takes a long time after surviving an abusive relationship. For years afterward, we may find ourselves looking over our shoulders, expecting our abusers to be following us home.
We often develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of the terror that we have experienced, both within the relationship and after it has ended. It may take us 10 to 20 years to overcome the trauma, provided we have the right therapist helping us. Without help, we may never recover.
It is impossible to achieve a sense of peace if we live in abusive or highly conflicted relationships. I pray that my readers will take action if they find themselves in such a place. Tomorrow, we will look at how to create new lives for ourselves that provide us with more than basic safety.
Today's Challenge
If you are living in an abusive relationship, take steps today to provide yourself and your children with a safe haven. Call or visit a women's shelter for advice on how to safely leave. Take action by making a commitment to meet regularly with a therapist who is well-trained in assisting abused women.
Subscribe to Hope Among the Ashes
To place my posts on your email home page, click on the link on the right side of the page that reads Subscribe to Hope Among the Ashes. Select your email host from the drop-down menu, and you'll receive a daily reminder when I post something new.
Got peace?
Before we talk about how to achieve peace, I would like to address what happens when we have an absence of it. Because if we have a disagreement with someone, it can affect everything we do.
If we allow a conflict to go on without speaking our peace, forgiving one another, and reconciling; we can get stuck in a very uncomfortable place. We may find ourselves dreaming about the problem, thinking about the disagreement instead of working, and suffering from depression and physical ailments. We know that we must settle the problem so that we can get back to the business of living.
Some disagreements are relatively easy to settle. When we say something that our spouse takes the wrong way, and he lashes back in defense mode, all it takes is a short discussion to get things back on track.
But when our disagreement involves something as serious as childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or criminal acts; it is much more difficult to achieve a sense of inner peace. We long for an opportunity to settle the matter so that we can begin our lives over again.
God knows the way to peace.
God's Word reminds us that he desires peace for us, but we get ourselves into situations where we can never achieve it. Isaiah 48:17-22 (NIV) reads:
This is what the Lord says--your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendents would have been like the sand, your children like its numberless grains; their name would never be cut off nor destroyed from before me."
Leave Babylon, flee from the Babylonians! Announce this with shouts of joy and proclaim it out to the ends of the earth; say, 'The Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob.' They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts; he made water flow for them from the rock; he split the rock and water gushed out. "There is no peace" says the Lord, "for the wicked."
God knows when we have strayed into wrong relationships, and he will lead us away from them to a place of safety if we trust him. Just as he told the Israelites of long ago to flee from the wicked Babylonians, he is telling us today to flee from wicked people. With them, there can never be peace.
Go to a peaceful place.
If we find ourselves in situations where people are continuing to abuse us or commit crimes against us, we cannot find the lasting peace God wants us to have there. We must find a peaceful place where we can work on restoring our souls.
Sometimes, we are not in a position to remove ourselves from the house or apartment that we share with an abusive partner. In cases like this, finding a little space where we find peace can be a good beginning.
In my first marriage, I discovered a place of safety in the bonus room over our garage. I bought a dead-bolt lock, installed it on the door, and barricaded myself in that room at night so that I could sleep. In my sanctuary, I had time to think about other things besides defending myself against further abuse.
When we find ourselves living like this, our first thoughts should be about how we are going to move to a place of peace. I considered going to a safe house, but doing so would have created tremendous upheaval for my children.
I met women during this time in my life who were running with their children from one safe house to the next. They were terrified of being caught by their abusers, and they lived like criminals on the run. Sadly, the government often treats such abused women as kidnappers when their spouses file charges against them for denying them access to the children.
And when the situation really escalates out of control, women on the run are found dead...murdered by their abusers. I was shocked when I discovered that one of the women in my discussion group had been killed by her husband. He had beaten her to a pulp, and when she tried to run, he drove over her with the family car.
Statistics tell us that 70 percent of women who try to leave abusive relationships are murdered. This is a sobering number, and it ought to make us think hard about how we are going to remove ourselves and our children safely.
Get help.
It is best to enlist the aid of a professional therapist and the police when attempting to leave an abusive relationship. The therapist bolsters our courage, and the police keep an eye on the abuser.
Before leaving, it is imperative to file for a restraining order. This is a court order that is free and relatively easy to obtain. In my state, all I had to do was prove that my abuser had harmed me twice within a span of two weeks.
The proof can be hand-written documentation of threats, photos of injuries, receipts from emergency room treatments, recordings of telephone messages, and so on. The court tends to err on the side of the person claiming the abuse, because people's lives are at stake.
Eventually, there must be a hearing to prove these claims, so this is where the therapist is helpful. It can be terrifying to face an abuser in court, but there are many supportive people who can stand by us in the process.
Conflict leaves many scars.
Achieving a sense of peace takes a long time after surviving an abusive relationship. For years afterward, we may find ourselves looking over our shoulders, expecting our abusers to be following us home.
We often develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of the terror that we have experienced, both within the relationship and after it has ended. It may take us 10 to 20 years to overcome the trauma, provided we have the right therapist helping us. Without help, we may never recover.
It is impossible to achieve a sense of peace if we live in abusive or highly conflicted relationships. I pray that my readers will take action if they find themselves in such a place. Tomorrow, we will look at how to create new lives for ourselves that provide us with more than basic safety.
Today's Challenge
If you are living in an abusive relationship, take steps today to provide yourself and your children with a safe haven. Call or visit a women's shelter for advice on how to safely leave. Take action by making a commitment to meet regularly with a therapist who is well-trained in assisting abused women.
Subscribe to Hope Among the Ashes
To place my posts on your email home page, click on the link on the right side of the page that reads Subscribe to Hope Among the Ashes. Select your email host from the drop-down menu, and you'll receive a daily reminder when I post something new.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
God Loves Us
This week, I would like to talk about love in my series for survivors of abuse and trauma, Thriving in God's Garden. My focus is not on the type of romantic love that we think about on Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day, but on the type that God feels for us. In Greek, this love is known as agape.
John 3:16 (NIV) tells us about this love: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Today, I would like you to think about how much God loves us.
I have a son who served in Iraq in the Marine Corps. The entire time that he was overseas, I begged God to protect him from bombs that fell from the sky and those that were strapped to suicide bombers. My prayers were entirely selfish, because all I wanted was for my son to return. I wasn't thinking about the love he felt for helpless people in a war-torn country.
God sent his son, Jesus, into the world to serve, too. But he didn't think about selfishly bringing him back home as quickly as possible. Instead, he allowed people to mock him, spit on him, beat him, and kill him.
Why didn't God stop this from happening? If he had prevented Jesus' crucifixion, all of us would still be subject to the punishment that we rightly deserve for our wrongs. By letting his son die, God showed how much he loves us. Because Christ's death on the cross--and his resurrection--saves us from the punishment that we deserve and allows us to live forever in a loving relationship with God.
My prayers for my son's safety during war were short-sighted and selfish. God's plan to save us through Jesus was very long-sighted and incredibly loving. Do you know what this love feels like? How have you experienced it?
Today's Challenge
Meditate on the words of John 3:16. How does it make you feel when you allow yourself to experience the magnitude of God's love for you?
John 3:16 (NIV) tells us about this love: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Today, I would like you to think about how much God loves us.
I have a son who served in Iraq in the Marine Corps. The entire time that he was overseas, I begged God to protect him from bombs that fell from the sky and those that were strapped to suicide bombers. My prayers were entirely selfish, because all I wanted was for my son to return. I wasn't thinking about the love he felt for helpless people in a war-torn country.
God sent his son, Jesus, into the world to serve, too. But he didn't think about selfishly bringing him back home as quickly as possible. Instead, he allowed people to mock him, spit on him, beat him, and kill him.
Why didn't God stop this from happening? If he had prevented Jesus' crucifixion, all of us would still be subject to the punishment that we rightly deserve for our wrongs. By letting his son die, God showed how much he loves us. Because Christ's death on the cross--and his resurrection--saves us from the punishment that we deserve and allows us to live forever in a loving relationship with God.
My prayers for my son's safety during war were short-sighted and selfish. God's plan to save us through Jesus was very long-sighted and incredibly loving. Do you know what this love feels like? How have you experienced it?
Today's Challenge
Meditate on the words of John 3:16. How does it make you feel when you allow yourself to experience the magnitude of God's love for you?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Ask Others to Forgive You
My series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, offers survivors of abuse and trauma an opportunity to find healing through forgiving others. For the past week, we have been discovering that the best way to learn how to forgive is to look at our own faults and our need for forgiveness. So, today we consider asking someone to forgive us.
How hard can it be to say I'm sorry?
If we have been victims of long-term abuse, it can be almost impossible to admit to another human being that we have made a mistake. In an abusive relationship, such admissions open us up to further abuse.
So, we learn self-preservation by never admitting our wrongs. And we certainly never, ever tell our abuser that we're sorry...unless he's twisting our arm and threatening worse if we don't say those words that we really don't mean.
And after our abusers extract an apology from us, they feel empowered once again. Within days, hours, or minutes, they are back at us with more of the same torture we endured earlier. It's no wonder that we swallow hard and think twice before offering anyone an apology.
We need to learn that it's okay to apologize to some people.
The next step on the road to forgiving others is to ask someone to forgive us. I believe this is the hardest step of all, because it's the riskiest for survivors of abuse.
Let's begin with one important point: the first person to forgive face-to-face should not be the enemy who abused or traumatized us. Like any new learning, that kind of forgiveness begins with baby steps.
So we need to think about someone we have wronged, and we need to consider how we are going to apologize and ask for forgiveness. By beginning with someone safe, we can experience what it feels like to admit our mistake, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. From a normal person, we can expect understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness.
My forgiveness journey began with Joe.
When I married Joe, I don't think I had ever sincerely apologized to anyone in my life. Abuse had ground out any thought of admitting my faults to anyone. So you can imagine my surprise when Joe made mistakes, came to me to admit them, and asked me to forgive him. In the beginning, it was extremely difficult for me to extend forgiveness to him, in spite of the fact that he was apologizing without any pressure from me.
What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just say I forgave Joe? I realized that in an abusive relationship, the minute an abuser offers us an apology, the cycle of abuse begins again. Like Pavlov's dogs, I had been trained to expect abuse if I ever traveled down the road of forgiveness. I couldn't offer it to anyone, and I couldn't ask for it.
Learn to see forgiveness through your enemy's eyes.
We can see by my experience why it may be so difficult for our enemies to ask us for our forgiveness. Perhaps they were abused as children and learned that admitting mistakes brought on more abuse. Maybe no one ever modeled forgiveness for them.
Model forgiveness for your enemy.
Instead of waiting for our enemies to apologize to us, we can make the best move by extending apologies to others. If our perpetrator is within view of us, he may begin to witness forgiveness at work in our lives when we:
1) admit our mistakes to others;
2) apologize;
3) ask for forgiveness; and
4) accept the grace of someone else's forgiveness.
Don't confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.
In most instances, this four-step process will lead to something that everyone confuses with forgiveness: reconciliation. That means we patch up our differences with someone, and we renew the relationship that was upset by whatever we did wrong.
Reconciliation is the number one reason, in my opinion, that survivors of abuse and trauma cannot forgive. They wrongly believe that forgiving means reconciling. If you don't get anything else out of this series, please read the next sentence carefully. Forgiving does not always entail reconciling. We'll learn more about reconciliation on Friday.
Asking for forgiveness helps us to grow.
Over the years, I have learned that forgiving Joe does not result in his abusing me. In fact, it draws us closer together. Because through our mistakes and apologies, we have learned how to conduct ourselves better as marriage partners. Forgiveness has helped us to grow.
Watching how Joe offered forgiveness taught me how to do it, too. It was not easy to learn that I could admit my mistakes, but Joe was patient with me and readily offered grace when I needed it. Without the baby steps of practicing forgiveness with Joe, I could never have reached the point where I am today with others who have hurt me more seriously.
So, if we recognize that we have broken our relationship with God by sinning, we can learn to admit our mistakes to God and to others. When we are living in safe relationships, we may learn new ways to apologize and ask others to forgive us. Tomorrow, we'll learn the importance of offering restitution to those whom we have hurt.
Today's Challenge
Are you a survivor like me who is terrified of extending forgiveness when someone apologizes to you? Are you fearful that admitting your faults and asking for forgiveness will bring about more abuse? If you're in an abusive situation, get to a safe place. Then, start practicing the habits of extending forgiveness and asking for it with people who are capable of doing the same.
How hard can it be to say I'm sorry?
If we have been victims of long-term abuse, it can be almost impossible to admit to another human being that we have made a mistake. In an abusive relationship, such admissions open us up to further abuse.
So, we learn self-preservation by never admitting our wrongs. And we certainly never, ever tell our abuser that we're sorry...unless he's twisting our arm and threatening worse if we don't say those words that we really don't mean.
And after our abusers extract an apology from us, they feel empowered once again. Within days, hours, or minutes, they are back at us with more of the same torture we endured earlier. It's no wonder that we swallow hard and think twice before offering anyone an apology.
We need to learn that it's okay to apologize to some people.
The next step on the road to forgiving others is to ask someone to forgive us. I believe this is the hardest step of all, because it's the riskiest for survivors of abuse.
Let's begin with one important point: the first person to forgive face-to-face should not be the enemy who abused or traumatized us. Like any new learning, that kind of forgiveness begins with baby steps.
So we need to think about someone we have wronged, and we need to consider how we are going to apologize and ask for forgiveness. By beginning with someone safe, we can experience what it feels like to admit our mistake, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. From a normal person, we can expect understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness.
My forgiveness journey began with Joe.
When I married Joe, I don't think I had ever sincerely apologized to anyone in my life. Abuse had ground out any thought of admitting my faults to anyone. So you can imagine my surprise when Joe made mistakes, came to me to admit them, and asked me to forgive him. In the beginning, it was extremely difficult for me to extend forgiveness to him, in spite of the fact that he was apologizing without any pressure from me.
What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just say I forgave Joe? I realized that in an abusive relationship, the minute an abuser offers us an apology, the cycle of abuse begins again. Like Pavlov's dogs, I had been trained to expect abuse if I ever traveled down the road of forgiveness. I couldn't offer it to anyone, and I couldn't ask for it.
Learn to see forgiveness through your enemy's eyes.
We can see by my experience why it may be so difficult for our enemies to ask us for our forgiveness. Perhaps they were abused as children and learned that admitting mistakes brought on more abuse. Maybe no one ever modeled forgiveness for them.
Model forgiveness for your enemy.
Instead of waiting for our enemies to apologize to us, we can make the best move by extending apologies to others. If our perpetrator is within view of us, he may begin to witness forgiveness at work in our lives when we:
1) admit our mistakes to others;
2) apologize;
3) ask for forgiveness; and
4) accept the grace of someone else's forgiveness.
Don't confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.
In most instances, this four-step process will lead to something that everyone confuses with forgiveness: reconciliation. That means we patch up our differences with someone, and we renew the relationship that was upset by whatever we did wrong.
Reconciliation is the number one reason, in my opinion, that survivors of abuse and trauma cannot forgive. They wrongly believe that forgiving means reconciling. If you don't get anything else out of this series, please read the next sentence carefully. Forgiving does not always entail reconciling. We'll learn more about reconciliation on Friday.
Asking for forgiveness helps us to grow.
Over the years, I have learned that forgiving Joe does not result in his abusing me. In fact, it draws us closer together. Because through our mistakes and apologies, we have learned how to conduct ourselves better as marriage partners. Forgiveness has helped us to grow.
Watching how Joe offered forgiveness taught me how to do it, too. It was not easy to learn that I could admit my mistakes, but Joe was patient with me and readily offered grace when I needed it. Without the baby steps of practicing forgiveness with Joe, I could never have reached the point where I am today with others who have hurt me more seriously.
So, if we recognize that we have broken our relationship with God by sinning, we can learn to admit our mistakes to God and to others. When we are living in safe relationships, we may learn new ways to apologize and ask others to forgive us. Tomorrow, we'll learn the importance of offering restitution to those whom we have hurt.
Today's Challenge
Are you a survivor like me who is terrified of extending forgiveness when someone apologizes to you? Are you fearful that admitting your faults and asking for forgiveness will bring about more abuse? If you're in an abusive situation, get to a safe place. Then, start practicing the habits of extending forgiveness and asking for it with people who are capable of doing the same.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The Only Person You Can Change is You
We are drawing close to the end of our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Along the way, we have learned about how abuse and trauma changes us, how God plays an important role in the process, and how imperative it is for us to learn about our own need for forgiveness.
When we recognize the difference between righteousness and sin, we are better able to look within and see that we have faults, just as the person we need to forgive does. Different faults, but faults, nonetheless.
If we can admit that we have problems, ask God to forgive us, and accept his grace, we are poised to consider how we might change. And change we must, if we ever want to forgive.
Let go and let God.
For many of us who are survivors, we cling to unforgiveness, because it's the only way we believe that we can control the situation and force our perpetrators to change. We wrongly believe that if we withhold forgiveness, the other person will apologize and set things right. This is not how forgiveness works. God is the only one who can measure out just the right doses of justice and grace. We must let go so that God can work in the situation.
Change yourself, not your enemy.
We must initiate deep and lasting changes within ourselves. When we do, if our enemy is capable of change, he will respond. Waiting for him to make the first move leaves us holding onto bitterness that serves only to hurt us.
If the person who has hurt us is what I would call toxic, he may never change. In cases like this, why would we want to remain involved in the process of reforming him? To me, this seems about as smart as swimming with crocodiles. Get out of the water and let God deal with truly toxic people.
What kind of change do we need?
When it seems unclear how we are supposed to go about changing, I think that the best place to look is at God. We've already learned about his character. By imitating him, we find the change within ourselves that creates peace.
I go back constantly to Galatians 5:22 (NIV): But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. When we get to the point of living where those adjectives describe us, we're finally on the right path toward forgiving.
Old habits die hard.
This degree of change within ourselves is not easy. Like all humans, we are creatures of habit. And habits die hard.
For instance, my doctor recently put me on a rotation diet so that I can overcome numerous food allergies. This is not an easy way of life, because the diet demands that I eat only certain foods on particular days.
To follow this diet, I had to go through my pantry, cupboards, fridge, and freezer. I gave away or threw out bags of food and arranged what was left in groupings that help me follow the meal plans.
This diet made me think about how profound our change of heart must be to reach a point of forgiving. It's not a quick fix, and it takes a lot of determination and learning to get to a point of success. More importantly, it has to become a way of life in order to work.
Through my diet, I am hoping to overcome my body's reactions to foods. Through my prayer time and Bible study, I hope to become so much like Jesus Christ that I get to a point of being able to forgive the people who have hurt me the most.
Let go of pride (the need to control), and the rest is easy.
Jesus said in Matthew 18:3-4 (NIV), "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."
Before I began working on this series, I thought I understood how to get from beginning to end in the journey of forgiveness. God has showed me a better route than the one I had mapped out. The solution to the problems of bitterness, anger, revenge, and hatred lies in one change: humility.
As noted in the above passage, unless we become as humble as little children, we'll never be able to truly forgive. And if we can't forgive, we may wind up outside of God's kingdom forever. That thought keeps me focused on finding a way to forgive, no matter how difficult the journey may get.
Today's Challenge
What do you need to change about yourself in order to forgive? Are you able to let go now so that God can deal with your enemy? Tell God today that you are ready to release the person who hurt you. By giving your enemy to God, you will finally show by your actions that you trust God enough to take care of the outcome.
When we recognize the difference between righteousness and sin, we are better able to look within and see that we have faults, just as the person we need to forgive does. Different faults, but faults, nonetheless.
If we can admit that we have problems, ask God to forgive us, and accept his grace, we are poised to consider how we might change. And change we must, if we ever want to forgive.
Let go and let God.
For many of us who are survivors, we cling to unforgiveness, because it's the only way we believe that we can control the situation and force our perpetrators to change. We wrongly believe that if we withhold forgiveness, the other person will apologize and set things right. This is not how forgiveness works. God is the only one who can measure out just the right doses of justice and grace. We must let go so that God can work in the situation.
Change yourself, not your enemy.
We must initiate deep and lasting changes within ourselves. When we do, if our enemy is capable of change, he will respond. Waiting for him to make the first move leaves us holding onto bitterness that serves only to hurt us.
If the person who has hurt us is what I would call toxic, he may never change. In cases like this, why would we want to remain involved in the process of reforming him? To me, this seems about as smart as swimming with crocodiles. Get out of the water and let God deal with truly toxic people.
What kind of change do we need?
When it seems unclear how we are supposed to go about changing, I think that the best place to look is at God. We've already learned about his character. By imitating him, we find the change within ourselves that creates peace.
I go back constantly to Galatians 5:22 (NIV): But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. When we get to the point of living where those adjectives describe us, we're finally on the right path toward forgiving.
Old habits die hard.
This degree of change within ourselves is not easy. Like all humans, we are creatures of habit. And habits die hard.
For instance, my doctor recently put me on a rotation diet so that I can overcome numerous food allergies. This is not an easy way of life, because the diet demands that I eat only certain foods on particular days.
To follow this diet, I had to go through my pantry, cupboards, fridge, and freezer. I gave away or threw out bags of food and arranged what was left in groupings that help me follow the meal plans.
This diet made me think about how profound our change of heart must be to reach a point of forgiving. It's not a quick fix, and it takes a lot of determination and learning to get to a point of success. More importantly, it has to become a way of life in order to work.
Through my diet, I am hoping to overcome my body's reactions to foods. Through my prayer time and Bible study, I hope to become so much like Jesus Christ that I get to a point of being able to forgive the people who have hurt me the most.
Let go of pride (the need to control), and the rest is easy.
Jesus said in Matthew 18:3-4 (NIV), "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."
Before I began working on this series, I thought I understood how to get from beginning to end in the journey of forgiveness. God has showed me a better route than the one I had mapped out. The solution to the problems of bitterness, anger, revenge, and hatred lies in one change: humility.
As noted in the above passage, unless we become as humble as little children, we'll never be able to truly forgive. And if we can't forgive, we may wind up outside of God's kingdom forever. That thought keeps me focused on finding a way to forgive, no matter how difficult the journey may get.
Today's Challenge
What do you need to change about yourself in order to forgive? Are you able to let go now so that God can deal with your enemy? Tell God today that you are ready to release the person who hurt you. By giving your enemy to God, you will finally show by your actions that you trust God enough to take care of the outcome.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Accept God's Grace Today
This marks our final week in this series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Last time, we learned about the importance of asking God to forgive us through daily prayer. Today, we focus on the next step along our journey toward forgiving others: accepting God's grace.
Remember grace?
In a previous post, we learned that God's grace is his goodness toward us, even when we deserve punishment. We cannot earn grace, because it is a gift freely given by God to all sinners who believe in Jesus.
Saving grace comes to us when we express our faith in Christ. Sanctifying grace falls on us daily as we pray for forgiveness of our wrongs. When we learn to accept God's grace on a daily basis, we grow by leaps and bounds in our spiritual life.
God gives grace, but we have to accept it.
Imagine a giant merchandise catalog or internet site full of free gifts. In order to receive whatever you wanted, all you had to do was provide your address. Within days, a package would arrive on your doorstep. No costs, no strings attached, just a free gift for the taking. This is how grace works. God is waiting to give it to anyone, just for asking.
If you did have an opportunity to place an order from such a catalog, would you tell the delivery person on your doorstep to take it away? Would you leave the package on your front porch, unopened? Of course, not! You would accept the package and then rip into it to see what kind of wonderful gift awaited you.
Unfortunately, many survivors of abuse and trauma turn down God's gift of grace. Why? There are one of three explanations that I can see. One, they really haven't come to a point of completely admitting their own faults, so they don't see a need for God's grace. Two, they feel so guilty and ashamed, they can't bring themselves to open the door and accept God's gift. Or three, they've been so hurt, their anger toward God prevents them from taking what he has to offer.
I turned down God's gift.
As I was contemplating divorcing my abusive first husband, a minister at my church told me that if I didn't stay and put up with my husband abusing my children and me, we would all go to hell. He quoted Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV) to me:
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
This Scripture passage is an important one in the process of forgiving. Unfortunately, this minister confused reconciliation with forgiveness. Living in an abusive situation is never a wise idea. We can forgive people who have abused us, but we should not put ourselves in harm's way in the process. It is better to remove ourselves from the situation so that we can work through forgiving our abusers from a distance. In my own experience, total and lasting forgiveness is difficult to achieve when we live with someone who constantly abuses us.
That minister made me feel so guilty, I could barely function. Like me, many victims of abuse get guilt heaped on them by outsiders as they consider leaving an unsafe situation.
I finally realized that I could not believe in a God who expected me to put up with abuse. In order to break free from my first husband, I had to release myself from the bonds with the angry God who only wanted to see me punished. I stopped going to church, praying, or reading the Bible.
Inevitably, depression set in. Without God, the world becomes a very dark place. As a former Stephen Minister, I knew that I needed support. So, I called a church where I was not a member and requested assistance.
For many months, a Stephen Minister came to my house to listen to me talking about the abuse, the divorce, my inability to connect with God, and all of the other issues that go along with surviving abuse. She was incredibly patient with me and let me talk until there were no more words remaining.
I recall telling her that I felt as if I had jumped off a cliff, and I was about to splat at the bottom of a rocky ravine. She smiled at me and said, "That's one way of looking at it. How about thinking that if you've jumped off a cliff, God has given you wings to fly?"
She rarely said much during our meetings, but that simple statement really got me thinking. I began to see that without God, my life seemed completely hopeless. She opened my eyes to the truth that by accepting God's grace, my life could be incredibly exciting and full of promise.
That night, I asked God to forgive me for the months I had spent burning with anger toward him. I talked to him freely about everything surrounding the divorce, asking him to forgive me for whatever part I had played in causing my marriage to fail. For the first time ever, I waited after praying for God's response. An icredible sense of peace washed over me as I felt God's goodness flowing to me.
God has a gift for you.
God had been waiting all along with his gift of grace. I just needed to accept it to complete my own forgiveness. He's got the same gift waiting for every person who expresses regret over avoiding him. Whether our rejection of God's love and his gift of grace stems from pride, guilt, shame, or anger; it's never too late to say that we're ready to accept it. For both survivors of abuse and trauma, such as the tsunami in Japan, there is hope, because God's goodness is available to all of us.
We're one step closer.
We are almost at the end of our journey, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. When we admit our own mistakes, ask God to forgive us, and accept his grace; we are one step closer to forgiving that person who deeply hurt us. Tomorrow, we'll learn about where the road takes us after we finally accept God's grace for ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Have you expressed your faith in Jesus Christ yet? If so, have you been asking God daily to forgive you? Have you felt the peace that comes with accepting his free gift of grace? Write in your journal how that feels. If you haven't arrived at this point yet, write down why you are rejecting God. Ask him to help you remove that roadblock.
Remember grace?
In a previous post, we learned that God's grace is his goodness toward us, even when we deserve punishment. We cannot earn grace, because it is a gift freely given by God to all sinners who believe in Jesus.
Saving grace comes to us when we express our faith in Christ. Sanctifying grace falls on us daily as we pray for forgiveness of our wrongs. When we learn to accept God's grace on a daily basis, we grow by leaps and bounds in our spiritual life.
God gives grace, but we have to accept it.
Imagine a giant merchandise catalog or internet site full of free gifts. In order to receive whatever you wanted, all you had to do was provide your address. Within days, a package would arrive on your doorstep. No costs, no strings attached, just a free gift for the taking. This is how grace works. God is waiting to give it to anyone, just for asking.
If you did have an opportunity to place an order from such a catalog, would you tell the delivery person on your doorstep to take it away? Would you leave the package on your front porch, unopened? Of course, not! You would accept the package and then rip into it to see what kind of wonderful gift awaited you.
Unfortunately, many survivors of abuse and trauma turn down God's gift of grace. Why? There are one of three explanations that I can see. One, they really haven't come to a point of completely admitting their own faults, so they don't see a need for God's grace. Two, they feel so guilty and ashamed, they can't bring themselves to open the door and accept God's gift. Or three, they've been so hurt, their anger toward God prevents them from taking what he has to offer.
I turned down God's gift.
As I was contemplating divorcing my abusive first husband, a minister at my church told me that if I didn't stay and put up with my husband abusing my children and me, we would all go to hell. He quoted Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV) to me:
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
This Scripture passage is an important one in the process of forgiving. Unfortunately, this minister confused reconciliation with forgiveness. Living in an abusive situation is never a wise idea. We can forgive people who have abused us, but we should not put ourselves in harm's way in the process. It is better to remove ourselves from the situation so that we can work through forgiving our abusers from a distance. In my own experience, total and lasting forgiveness is difficult to achieve when we live with someone who constantly abuses us.
That minister made me feel so guilty, I could barely function. Like me, many victims of abuse get guilt heaped on them by outsiders as they consider leaving an unsafe situation.
I finally realized that I could not believe in a God who expected me to put up with abuse. In order to break free from my first husband, I had to release myself from the bonds with the angry God who only wanted to see me punished. I stopped going to church, praying, or reading the Bible.
Inevitably, depression set in. Without God, the world becomes a very dark place. As a former Stephen Minister, I knew that I needed support. So, I called a church where I was not a member and requested assistance.
For many months, a Stephen Minister came to my house to listen to me talking about the abuse, the divorce, my inability to connect with God, and all of the other issues that go along with surviving abuse. She was incredibly patient with me and let me talk until there were no more words remaining.
I recall telling her that I felt as if I had jumped off a cliff, and I was about to splat at the bottom of a rocky ravine. She smiled at me and said, "That's one way of looking at it. How about thinking that if you've jumped off a cliff, God has given you wings to fly?"
She rarely said much during our meetings, but that simple statement really got me thinking. I began to see that without God, my life seemed completely hopeless. She opened my eyes to the truth that by accepting God's grace, my life could be incredibly exciting and full of promise.
That night, I asked God to forgive me for the months I had spent burning with anger toward him. I talked to him freely about everything surrounding the divorce, asking him to forgive me for whatever part I had played in causing my marriage to fail. For the first time ever, I waited after praying for God's response. An icredible sense of peace washed over me as I felt God's goodness flowing to me.
God has a gift for you.
God had been waiting all along with his gift of grace. I just needed to accept it to complete my own forgiveness. He's got the same gift waiting for every person who expresses regret over avoiding him. Whether our rejection of God's love and his gift of grace stems from pride, guilt, shame, or anger; it's never too late to say that we're ready to accept it. For both survivors of abuse and trauma, such as the tsunami in Japan, there is hope, because God's goodness is available to all of us.
We're one step closer.
We are almost at the end of our journey, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. When we admit our own mistakes, ask God to forgive us, and accept his grace; we are one step closer to forgiving that person who deeply hurt us. Tomorrow, we'll learn about where the road takes us after we finally accept God's grace for ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Have you expressed your faith in Jesus Christ yet? If so, have you been asking God daily to forgive you? Have you felt the peace that comes with accepting his free gift of grace? Write in your journal how that feels. If you haven't arrived at this point yet, write down why you are rejecting God. Ask him to help you remove that roadblock.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Admit Your Faults
We continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Now that we have learned how to recognize both righteousness and sin, we move on today with a look into our own faults. Recognizing that we are not perfect takes us one step closer to forgiving our enemies who have abused or traumatized us.
Forgiveness is impossible without humility.
If we want to forgive someone, we cannot keep an attitude of pride or superiority toward them. If we approach forgiveness with our noses in the air, we either make our enemies defensive, or we make them feel insignificant. Neither outcome is pleasing to God, who calls us to love one another.
I Peter 5:5 (NIV) tells us, All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." We can see that our efforts to forgive will be opposed by God if we approach the process with prideful attitudes. Our efforts are backed up by God's grace is we approach forgiveness with humility.
Stop judging your enemy.
There is an old saying that whenever we point a finger at someone, there are three others pointing back at us. We cannot forgive if we are focused on our enemy's sins. Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV):
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
Beginning today, stop thinking about and clinging to all of the things that your enemy did to hurt you. Release these bitter thoughts to God and focus, instead, on the sweetness of his love for you.
Start examining yourself.
Lamentations 3:40 (NIV) reads, Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Before any of us can forgive, we must look deep within to examine the condition of our own hearts. We are all sinners, and those of us who have suffered abuse or trauma generally carry with us sins such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred.
I am not asking you to examine yourself to see if you have any sin. I'm asking you to look into your soul to see which sins need to be addressed. Through prayer, ask God to reveal your sins to you. Ask a trusted friend or your spouse what sins they see in you.
Admit your sins to God.
After you have identified which sins are hindering you from forgiving, admit them to God. He already knows what they are, but confessing them to him will relieve you of the burden of carrying them around.
Tell God that you have made a mess of your life and that you cannot manage it any longer. Ask him to lead you. Then pray that God will give you the good sense to follow him, rather than expecting him to act like a genie in a bottle whenever you need him to carry out a task for you. Remember, Christianity is about learning how to be a follower, not the leader. Leading is God's job, not ours.
Tell one other person about your sins.
We are not required to go to confession to have our sins forgiven. Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection gave us full access to him. However, I believe that telling someone whom we can trust about our faults gives us a great deal of leverage against sin. With an accountability partner knowing about our shortcomings, we have greater power through their prayers and encouragement.
Admitting our own faults is an important step in the forgiveness process. Why? Because we expect our enemies to admit their faults to us. And if we're going to come to an understanding of how difficult that can be for them, we must be willing to do it first.
I think about how hard it must have been for my father to carry around the secret of child molestation for so many years. Imagine how hard that would be. If just one child spoke out, his life would come tumbling down like a house of cards.
I am grateful that my dad finally confessed to the police about what he did to my daughter. It spared her from tremendous embarrassment and the stress involved with court appearances. More importantly, it set him on the road to forgiveness alongside us.
As we travel this journey, we are struggling to forgive someone who has deeply hurt us. It is important to remember that our enemies are struggling just as hard to let go of their sins. By admitting our own faults, we walk in their shoes. In doing so, we can begin to empathize with their battle.
Today's Challenge
Set aside some time for reflection and prayer. Ask God to reveal sins that you may not even be aware of in your quest to forgive. When they surface, write them down in your journal. Admit your sins to God and to one other trusted person. Write down how you think your enemy might be feeling about admitting his own faults. Begin to pray for him.
Forgiveness is impossible without humility.
If we want to forgive someone, we cannot keep an attitude of pride or superiority toward them. If we approach forgiveness with our noses in the air, we either make our enemies defensive, or we make them feel insignificant. Neither outcome is pleasing to God, who calls us to love one another.
I Peter 5:5 (NIV) tells us, All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." We can see that our efforts to forgive will be opposed by God if we approach the process with prideful attitudes. Our efforts are backed up by God's grace is we approach forgiveness with humility.
Stop judging your enemy.
There is an old saying that whenever we point a finger at someone, there are three others pointing back at us. We cannot forgive if we are focused on our enemy's sins. Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV):
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
Beginning today, stop thinking about and clinging to all of the things that your enemy did to hurt you. Release these bitter thoughts to God and focus, instead, on the sweetness of his love for you.
Start examining yourself.
Lamentations 3:40 (NIV) reads, Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Before any of us can forgive, we must look deep within to examine the condition of our own hearts. We are all sinners, and those of us who have suffered abuse or trauma generally carry with us sins such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred.
I am not asking you to examine yourself to see if you have any sin. I'm asking you to look into your soul to see which sins need to be addressed. Through prayer, ask God to reveal your sins to you. Ask a trusted friend or your spouse what sins they see in you.
Admit your sins to God.
After you have identified which sins are hindering you from forgiving, admit them to God. He already knows what they are, but confessing them to him will relieve you of the burden of carrying them around.
Tell God that you have made a mess of your life and that you cannot manage it any longer. Ask him to lead you. Then pray that God will give you the good sense to follow him, rather than expecting him to act like a genie in a bottle whenever you need him to carry out a task for you. Remember, Christianity is about learning how to be a follower, not the leader. Leading is God's job, not ours.
Tell one other person about your sins.
We are not required to go to confession to have our sins forgiven. Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection gave us full access to him. However, I believe that telling someone whom we can trust about our faults gives us a great deal of leverage against sin. With an accountability partner knowing about our shortcomings, we have greater power through their prayers and encouragement.
Admitting our own faults is an important step in the forgiveness process. Why? Because we expect our enemies to admit their faults to us. And if we're going to come to an understanding of how difficult that can be for them, we must be willing to do it first.
I think about how hard it must have been for my father to carry around the secret of child molestation for so many years. Imagine how hard that would be. If just one child spoke out, his life would come tumbling down like a house of cards.
I am grateful that my dad finally confessed to the police about what he did to my daughter. It spared her from tremendous embarrassment and the stress involved with court appearances. More importantly, it set him on the road to forgiveness alongside us.
As we travel this journey, we are struggling to forgive someone who has deeply hurt us. It is important to remember that our enemies are struggling just as hard to let go of their sins. By admitting our own faults, we walk in their shoes. In doing so, we can begin to empathize with their battle.
Today's Challenge
Set aside some time for reflection and prayer. Ask God to reveal sins that you may not even be aware of in your quest to forgive. When they surface, write them down in your journal. Admit your sins to God and to one other trusted person. Write down how you think your enemy might be feeling about admitting his own faults. Begin to pray for him.
Friday, March 11, 2011
God Expects Honor
We continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, with further thoughts about God's character. So far, we have learned about his goodness, love, mercy, grace, patience, holiness, peace, and justice. Today we look at God's expectations for us to honor him.
What is honor?
Honor is special esteem or respect that we give to someone. A soldier may receive honor for his service. We pay honor to people in positions of power, such as the governor or a judge.
God expects us to give him the highest honor.
While we may honor some of the people around us whom we respect, God inists that we honor him above all other people or things. The second commandment reads, "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God...(Exodus 20:4-5 NIV)
The Bible uses the word jealous whenever God speaks about his expectations regarding his honor. In other words, he will not put up with our placing anyone or anything ahead of him. He expects our fullest respect, similar to the way a husband might expect honor from his wife.
What is an idol?
When I was younger, I used to think that following this commandment was pretty easy. After all, I wasn't bowing down to carved idols in my backyard.
As I grew older, though, I began to realize that idols can be present in our lives without our even recognizing them. What do they look like? Idols can be our favorite TV shows, food, alcohol, gambling, electronic games, movie stars, books, cars, sports figures, goals, or even our exercise routines.
Perhaps I can clarify this with an example. Think about someone you know who is really enthusiastic about something...a golfer who hits the links daily to see how close he can come to par, a sports enthusiast who never misses a single baseball game all season, or a businesswoman who spends every waking hour knocking herself out to meet self-imposed goals.
There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these pursuits. Golf, baseball, and goal-setting are all useful activities. The trouble arises when a person ignores time with God in order to pursue them.
A good rule of thumb in determining whether idols are making God jealous is to consider how many hours each day are spent with God and how much time is spent on other interests. God expects us to give him more honor than we give to our television sets, our cars, our homes, our children, our jobs, our hobbies, and so on.
I'm not saying that we should quit our jobs and neglect our children. There is a balance in life regarding all of our responsibilities. But if we are honest with ourselves, my guess is that most of us spend far more time watching TV or pursuing our own interests than we do reading our Bibles. Our life gets out of balance and God gets jealous when we choose to spend our free time on everything except God.
Honor others more highly than yourself.
The point in studying God's expectations for honor is this: if we are imitators of God, we must learn to honor others more highly than ourselves. This comes back to an earlier post regarding pride and humility. We can never extend forgiveness to an enemy if we always regard ourselves with higher esteem than we do others.
The apostle Paul reminded early Christians, "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." (Romans 12:10 NIV) This is easy to do with fellow believers who conduct themselves nicely. But do we really have to honor people who have abused or traumatized us?
The answer to that question in yes. With a spirit of humility, we can look inward and realize that we don't deserve special honor at all. Every one of us has sinned and deserves punishment for something we've done.
Humility is a great equalizer among members of the human race. We are all in the same predicament--deserving of God's punishment for sin. We are no different from our enemies who have deeply wounded us. They deserve our honor as much as the next guy.
How do we honor our enemies who have hurt us?
As I think about my father who molested a number of children in our family, I struggle with this concept of honoring others more highly than ourselves. I want to let my father know that I still honor him as my parent, but I don't know how to do that without confusing him. I'm afraid that if I extend a kindness to him in the form of a letter or visit, he will assume that I'm letting him off the hook for his crimes.
I suppose that the best thing I can do for the moment is to pray for my dad. I am asking God to protect him while he serves his prison sentence. And I pray that God will send good Christian volunteers and prison workers to talk to Dad about God's love for him. This seems like the safest form of honor I can extend to my father now.
Press on in your quest to forgive.
Forgiveness is such a difficult undertaking, but I believe that pursuing it pushes us to grow in many ways. We can't forgive until we fully understand God's character and how we are to imitate him.
This is no small task. But we must keep pressing on, because the rewards of forgiving are worth it. Stick with me through this. In just two weeks, we should all have a better understanding of how to forgive the one who has hurt us the most.
Today's Challenge
Think about how much of your time is spent honoring God. Do you read your Bible daily? Are you praying often? Do you participate in worship services or sing praises to him while you're alone? Do you tell others about his goodness? If not, what can you give up so that you have more time to devote to honoring God?
What is honor?
Honor is special esteem or respect that we give to someone. A soldier may receive honor for his service. We pay honor to people in positions of power, such as the governor or a judge.
God expects us to give him the highest honor.
While we may honor some of the people around us whom we respect, God inists that we honor him above all other people or things. The second commandment reads, "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God...(Exodus 20:4-5 NIV)
The Bible uses the word jealous whenever God speaks about his expectations regarding his honor. In other words, he will not put up with our placing anyone or anything ahead of him. He expects our fullest respect, similar to the way a husband might expect honor from his wife.
What is an idol?
When I was younger, I used to think that following this commandment was pretty easy. After all, I wasn't bowing down to carved idols in my backyard.
As I grew older, though, I began to realize that idols can be present in our lives without our even recognizing them. What do they look like? Idols can be our favorite TV shows, food, alcohol, gambling, electronic games, movie stars, books, cars, sports figures, goals, or even our exercise routines.
Perhaps I can clarify this with an example. Think about someone you know who is really enthusiastic about something...a golfer who hits the links daily to see how close he can come to par, a sports enthusiast who never misses a single baseball game all season, or a businesswoman who spends every waking hour knocking herself out to meet self-imposed goals.
There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these pursuits. Golf, baseball, and goal-setting are all useful activities. The trouble arises when a person ignores time with God in order to pursue them.
A good rule of thumb in determining whether idols are making God jealous is to consider how many hours each day are spent with God and how much time is spent on other interests. God expects us to give him more honor than we give to our television sets, our cars, our homes, our children, our jobs, our hobbies, and so on.
I'm not saying that we should quit our jobs and neglect our children. There is a balance in life regarding all of our responsibilities. But if we are honest with ourselves, my guess is that most of us spend far more time watching TV or pursuing our own interests than we do reading our Bibles. Our life gets out of balance and God gets jealous when we choose to spend our free time on everything except God.
Honor others more highly than yourself.
The point in studying God's expectations for honor is this: if we are imitators of God, we must learn to honor others more highly than ourselves. This comes back to an earlier post regarding pride and humility. We can never extend forgiveness to an enemy if we always regard ourselves with higher esteem than we do others.
The apostle Paul reminded early Christians, "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." (Romans 12:10 NIV) This is easy to do with fellow believers who conduct themselves nicely. But do we really have to honor people who have abused or traumatized us?
The answer to that question in yes. With a spirit of humility, we can look inward and realize that we don't deserve special honor at all. Every one of us has sinned and deserves punishment for something we've done.
Humility is a great equalizer among members of the human race. We are all in the same predicament--deserving of God's punishment for sin. We are no different from our enemies who have deeply wounded us. They deserve our honor as much as the next guy.
How do we honor our enemies who have hurt us?
As I think about my father who molested a number of children in our family, I struggle with this concept of honoring others more highly than ourselves. I want to let my father know that I still honor him as my parent, but I don't know how to do that without confusing him. I'm afraid that if I extend a kindness to him in the form of a letter or visit, he will assume that I'm letting him off the hook for his crimes.
I suppose that the best thing I can do for the moment is to pray for my dad. I am asking God to protect him while he serves his prison sentence. And I pray that God will send good Christian volunteers and prison workers to talk to Dad about God's love for him. This seems like the safest form of honor I can extend to my father now.
Press on in your quest to forgive.
Forgiveness is such a difficult undertaking, but I believe that pursuing it pushes us to grow in many ways. We can't forgive until we fully understand God's character and how we are to imitate him.
This is no small task. But we must keep pressing on, because the rewards of forgiving are worth it. Stick with me through this. In just two weeks, we should all have a better understanding of how to forgive the one who has hurt us the most.
Today's Challenge
Think about how much of your time is spent honoring God. Do you read your Bible daily? Are you praying often? Do you participate in worship services or sing praises to him while you're alone? Do you tell others about his goodness? If not, what can you give up so that you have more time to devote to honoring God?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
God is Merciful
We continue this week with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Today, we learn about God's mercy and how we can apply it in our journey to forgive our enemies.
Mercy is a form of God's goodness.
God's mercy is his way of expressing his goodness to people who are in misery or distress. We can think of God's overall goodness as the broad stroke of a brush; and mercy as more specific details directed to special places in the great painting of life.
Webster's defines mercy as: 1) compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or one subject to one's power; 2) a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion, or 3)compassionate treatment of those in distress.
The first definition, in my opinion, is more suitable when discussing God's grace. We will discuss that tomorrow. For now, we focus on mercy as God's way of expressing compassion to his people.
God shows compassion through divine acts of mercy.
Two blind men sought out Jesus, saying, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" (Matthew 9:27 NIV) Jesus felt compassion for them and restored their sight.
When my daughter was two years old, I was diagnosed with stage four cancer. I cried out to God for mercy, begging him to give me more time to raise my child. He was merciful and healed me of the cancer that should have taken my life in a short time.
God comforts us when we are in distress.
God has comforted his people since the beginning of time, and he still does so today. I once moved to a strange city with a brand-new baby. God sent a minister to visit me one day when I was feeling hopeless and lonely. When I have been confined to the hospital, God has sent volunteers to pray with me and read the Bible to me. When I was injured by a drunk driver last year, he sent church members to cook meals, clean my house, and visit with me.
When children experience sexual abuse or we suffer from an unexpected trauma, God provides us with comfort. In my case, God has erased many of the details from memory to protect me from the pain of knowing that my father was not my protector, but my molester. The Lord has sent many women with beautiful spirits into my life to provide the love and nurturing that my own mother never could. Perhaps if you look back over your own life, you can see instances when God was there to comfort you.
We can offer mercy to others because God is merciful to us.
I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of God's mercy. So, it's relatively easy for me to extend it to others. I lead a quilting ministry through our church, and we use this as our key Bible passage in all communications that accompany the quilts, which we give to terminally ill patients at local hospitals:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV)
God calls us to be merciful, even toward our enemies.
God expects all of us to extend mercy to others..,even our enemies. In Matthew 5:7 (NIV), Jesus said, "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." You may be wondering how on earth we are supposed to extend mercy to our perpetrators.
The way I look at it, the criminal justice system has done its work to punish my father for molesting my daughter. He is now in jail and will remain there for a number of years. It is not my responsibility to punish him, but to extend God's mercy to him.
At the very least, I can pray for my father's safety, asking God to have compassion on him as he struggles to adjust to living in the confines of a small space with other dangerous criminals. I wouldn't want to spend my twilight years sleeping on a thin, hard mattress or eating institutional food with armed guards hovering nearby. It breaks my heart to think of anyone living under such conditions, and most especially my own father.
Over time, the prison psychologist may invite members of the family to attend counseling sessions with my father. I would cooperate with the prison staff, provided they felt that my father was truly ready to begin working on restitution within the family.
Until then, I can send cards to encourage my father, magazine articles about God's love for him, and other long-distance messages aimed at helping him surrender his life to Christ. I would do this, not as a means of re-establishing a relationship with my father, but to extend God's mercy to him.
A word of caution
It's important to realize that there is an appropriate time and place for expressing mercy to abusers. If it is given without their first achieving a sense of genuine remorse, we could be setting ourselves up for further abuse. Please be mindful of your physical, emotional, and spiritual safety before offering mercy to violent, controlling, or abusive people. Get a qualified therapist to help you if you decide to move forward in this regard.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, list all of the ways that God has shown you mercy. Then, write down how you extend that mercy to others. List some ways that you can extend mercy to your enemy without endangering yourself.
Mercy is a form of God's goodness.
God's mercy is his way of expressing his goodness to people who are in misery or distress. We can think of God's overall goodness as the broad stroke of a brush; and mercy as more specific details directed to special places in the great painting of life.
Webster's defines mercy as: 1) compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or one subject to one's power; 2) a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion, or 3)compassionate treatment of those in distress.
The first definition, in my opinion, is more suitable when discussing God's grace. We will discuss that tomorrow. For now, we focus on mercy as God's way of expressing compassion to his people.
God shows compassion through divine acts of mercy.
Two blind men sought out Jesus, saying, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" (Matthew 9:27 NIV) Jesus felt compassion for them and restored their sight.
When my daughter was two years old, I was diagnosed with stage four cancer. I cried out to God for mercy, begging him to give me more time to raise my child. He was merciful and healed me of the cancer that should have taken my life in a short time.
God comforts us when we are in distress.
God has comforted his people since the beginning of time, and he still does so today. I once moved to a strange city with a brand-new baby. God sent a minister to visit me one day when I was feeling hopeless and lonely. When I have been confined to the hospital, God has sent volunteers to pray with me and read the Bible to me. When I was injured by a drunk driver last year, he sent church members to cook meals, clean my house, and visit with me.
When children experience sexual abuse or we suffer from an unexpected trauma, God provides us with comfort. In my case, God has erased many of the details from memory to protect me from the pain of knowing that my father was not my protector, but my molester. The Lord has sent many women with beautiful spirits into my life to provide the love and nurturing that my own mother never could. Perhaps if you look back over your own life, you can see instances when God was there to comfort you.
We can offer mercy to others because God is merciful to us.
I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of God's mercy. So, it's relatively easy for me to extend it to others. I lead a quilting ministry through our church, and we use this as our key Bible passage in all communications that accompany the quilts, which we give to terminally ill patients at local hospitals:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV)
God calls us to be merciful, even toward our enemies.
God expects all of us to extend mercy to others..,even our enemies. In Matthew 5:7 (NIV), Jesus said, "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." You may be wondering how on earth we are supposed to extend mercy to our perpetrators.
The way I look at it, the criminal justice system has done its work to punish my father for molesting my daughter. He is now in jail and will remain there for a number of years. It is not my responsibility to punish him, but to extend God's mercy to him.
At the very least, I can pray for my father's safety, asking God to have compassion on him as he struggles to adjust to living in the confines of a small space with other dangerous criminals. I wouldn't want to spend my twilight years sleeping on a thin, hard mattress or eating institutional food with armed guards hovering nearby. It breaks my heart to think of anyone living under such conditions, and most especially my own father.
Over time, the prison psychologist may invite members of the family to attend counseling sessions with my father. I would cooperate with the prison staff, provided they felt that my father was truly ready to begin working on restitution within the family.
Until then, I can send cards to encourage my father, magazine articles about God's love for him, and other long-distance messages aimed at helping him surrender his life to Christ. I would do this, not as a means of re-establishing a relationship with my father, but to extend God's mercy to him.
A word of caution
It's important to realize that there is an appropriate time and place for expressing mercy to abusers. If it is given without their first achieving a sense of genuine remorse, we could be setting ourselves up for further abuse. Please be mindful of your physical, emotional, and spiritual safety before offering mercy to violent, controlling, or abusive people. Get a qualified therapist to help you if you decide to move forward in this regard.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, list all of the ways that God has shown you mercy. Then, write down how you extend that mercy to others. List some ways that you can extend mercy to your enemy without endangering yourself.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Love One Another
As we continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, we are learning about God's moral attributes that he shares with us. These include: goodness, love, mercy, grace, patience, holiness, peace, justice, protection, and hate for sin. Yesterday, we learned about God's goodness. Today, we look into God's love.
God's love means that God gives eternally of himself to others.
We need to understand that God's love is always given for the benefit of others. It is part of his nature, and his love brings about blessings for others.
God's love existed before the world was created, it is here now, and it will continue into eternity. Jesus prayed to God, "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." (John 17:24 NIV)
God is himself love defined.
When we think of love, we usually come up with visions of roses, Valentine's Day cards, weddings, and other symbols of romantic feelings between men and women. This is a special type of love known in Greek as eros, which God designed for erotic attraction between the sexes.
There are two other types of love that we can find in Greek translations of the Bible. Agape is the highest and purest kind of love. It is divine love and is used to express the essential nature of God. Phileo is distinguished as brotherly love. This is seen in the naming of the city of Philadelphia, which means "the city of brotherly love."
Webster's Dictionary defines love as: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another, as (1) the fatherly concern of God for humankind (agape); (2) brotherly concern for others (phileo); and (3) a person's adoration of God (also phileo).
We can find a very simple definition of what it means to love in I John 4:7 (NIV): Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit love one another.
We know from references in Scripture that God the Father and God the Son love one another. Even though there are no specific verses indicating that they also love the Spirit, it is implied.
When Jesus was baptized in the Jordan, God's voice came from heaven to say, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." (Matthew 3:17 NIV) Jesus said to his disciples, "But the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me." (John 14:31 NIV)
This pure love between the Father, Son, and Spirit makes heaven a joyful place, because each person seeks to bring happiness to the other two. When we learn to love one another as the persons of the Trinity do, we find joy and happiness, too.
God always loves us, in spite of our sinful nature.
Unlike our romantic (eros) love that may come and go for others as we seek our mates, God's love is eternal and unconditional. In other words, he loves us forever, no matter how nicely or badly we behave.
The apostle Paul wrote, But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8 NIV) Paul also wrote, For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)
God commands us to love him and others, because it brings him joy.
We are commanded to love God first and foremost above all other people or things. In Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV) Jesus tells us, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
When we love our neighbors, it actually brings joy to God's heart. Isaiah told God's people, "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zeph. 3:17 NIV)
By imitating God's love, we can love other believers.
When we are filled with God's love, it enables us to love other believers. The apostle John wrote, "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (I John 4:11 NIV)
When we love others, the rest of the world recognizes us for this God-like attribute. Jesus explained this when he said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:3435 NIV)
God gives us his love to enable us to love our enemies.
If we want to forgive someone who has hurt us as deeply as abusers do, we must learn to tap into God's love. Without it, we will find it impossible to forgive.
Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." (Matthew 5:43-44 NIV)
Remember, loving our enemies as God loves us means that we feel loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. It can be extremely difficult for us, if not impossible, to feel any concern for a child molester. How can we pray for the good of someone who has stolen our innocence, our sense of trust in mankind, and our very souls?
The answer is that we can't love or forgive if we limit ourselves to the love we have as human beings...to phileo love. But when we tap into God's agape love, we can do the impossible. Yes, we can even find a way to love our enemies.
Learning to love takes time.
Loving an enemy is not an easy task, nor does it happen overnight. It is very difficult at this time for my family or me to feel loyal and benevolent concern for our mother's good. After she abused us all for fifty years and then refused to help anyone other than my father through the recent hearing for his criminal conduct, no one in the family feels called to reach out to her.
Sometimes, stepping back from our enemy doesn't feel like the most loving thing to do. But we have learned by experience that trying to help our mother usually comes back to sting us with further verbal abuse. At this point, we believe it is safest for us to pray for her from a distance, with the hope that she will eventually experience God's love as we do and learn how to express it to others.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down the differences between the love you feel for God, for your spouse, and for your neighbors. Think about your enemy and write down how much love you feel for him. Ask God to fill you with his pure love so that you can eventually find the brotherly love you need to forgive.
God's love means that God gives eternally of himself to others.
We need to understand that God's love is always given for the benefit of others. It is part of his nature, and his love brings about blessings for others.
God's love existed before the world was created, it is here now, and it will continue into eternity. Jesus prayed to God, "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." (John 17:24 NIV)
God is himself love defined.
When we think of love, we usually come up with visions of roses, Valentine's Day cards, weddings, and other symbols of romantic feelings between men and women. This is a special type of love known in Greek as eros, which God designed for erotic attraction between the sexes.
There are two other types of love that we can find in Greek translations of the Bible. Agape is the highest and purest kind of love. It is divine love and is used to express the essential nature of God. Phileo is distinguished as brotherly love. This is seen in the naming of the city of Philadelphia, which means "the city of brotherly love."
Webster's Dictionary defines love as: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another, as (1) the fatherly concern of God for humankind (agape); (2) brotherly concern for others (phileo); and (3) a person's adoration of God (also phileo).
We can find a very simple definition of what it means to love in I John 4:7 (NIV): Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit love one another.
We know from references in Scripture that God the Father and God the Son love one another. Even though there are no specific verses indicating that they also love the Spirit, it is implied.
When Jesus was baptized in the Jordan, God's voice came from heaven to say, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." (Matthew 3:17 NIV) Jesus said to his disciples, "But the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me." (John 14:31 NIV)
This pure love between the Father, Son, and Spirit makes heaven a joyful place, because each person seeks to bring happiness to the other two. When we learn to love one another as the persons of the Trinity do, we find joy and happiness, too.
God always loves us, in spite of our sinful nature.
Unlike our romantic (eros) love that may come and go for others as we seek our mates, God's love is eternal and unconditional. In other words, he loves us forever, no matter how nicely or badly we behave.
The apostle Paul wrote, But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8 NIV) Paul also wrote, For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)
God commands us to love him and others, because it brings him joy.
We are commanded to love God first and foremost above all other people or things. In Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV) Jesus tells us, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
When we love our neighbors, it actually brings joy to God's heart. Isaiah told God's people, "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zeph. 3:17 NIV)
By imitating God's love, we can love other believers.
When we are filled with God's love, it enables us to love other believers. The apostle John wrote, "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (I John 4:11 NIV)
When we love others, the rest of the world recognizes us for this God-like attribute. Jesus explained this when he said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:3435 NIV)
God gives us his love to enable us to love our enemies.
If we want to forgive someone who has hurt us as deeply as abusers do, we must learn to tap into God's love. Without it, we will find it impossible to forgive.
Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." (Matthew 5:43-44 NIV)
Remember, loving our enemies as God loves us means that we feel loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. It can be extremely difficult for us, if not impossible, to feel any concern for a child molester. How can we pray for the good of someone who has stolen our innocence, our sense of trust in mankind, and our very souls?
The answer is that we can't love or forgive if we limit ourselves to the love we have as human beings...to phileo love. But when we tap into God's agape love, we can do the impossible. Yes, we can even find a way to love our enemies.
Learning to love takes time.
Loving an enemy is not an easy task, nor does it happen overnight. It is very difficult at this time for my family or me to feel loyal and benevolent concern for our mother's good. After she abused us all for fifty years and then refused to help anyone other than my father through the recent hearing for his criminal conduct, no one in the family feels called to reach out to her.
Sometimes, stepping back from our enemy doesn't feel like the most loving thing to do. But we have learned by experience that trying to help our mother usually comes back to sting us with further verbal abuse. At this point, we believe it is safest for us to pray for her from a distance, with the hope that she will eventually experience God's love as we do and learn how to express it to others.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down the differences between the love you feel for God, for your spouse, and for your neighbors. Think about your enemy and write down how much love you feel for him. Ask God to fill you with his pure love so that you can eventually find the brotherly love you need to forgive.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Practice Random Acts of Righteousness
Yesterday, we learned that righteousness means that we follow a moral code or law to keep ourselves from sin. God is himself the perfect standard for righteousness, and everything he does is right. If we want to forgive others, we must begin with an understanding of what righteous acts look like. Today, we continue with our study of righteousness in our quest to forgive people who have deeply hurt us.
If God is righteousness, we must first understand God's attributes.
God exhibits ten moral attributes that we should seek for ourselves if we want to become righteous. These moral attributes include:
1) goodness,
2) love,
3) mercy,
4) grace,
5) patience,
6) holiness,
7) peace,
8) justice,
9) protection, and
10) intense hate for all sin.
These are really big concepts, so we're going to tackle one per day.
How does the Bible define goodness?
Goodness means that God is the final standard, and all that he does is good. Good is something that God approves. When we do things that are good, we find delight in them, because God delights in them, too.
God is himself goodness defined.
We can find many passages in the Bible which indicate that God is good. For example, Jesus said, "No one is good--except God alone." (Luke 18:19 NIV) The psalmist wrote, Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. (Psalm 106:1 NIV) And King David wrote, Taste and see that the LORD is good..."(Psalm 34:8 NIV)
Everything that God does is worthy of his approval.
Whatever God does is so good, it is worthy of his complete approval. For example, when God created the world, he stood back and sighed with satisfaction. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day. (Gen. 1:31 NIV)
We must be careful to make the distinction here that God's works are not worthy of our approval, but only of God's. Therefore, he is the final standard of goodness.
God has given us the ability to reflect upon his goodness so that we can evaluate things in the way that he wants us to. We can learn to approve what God approves and take delight in whatever delights him.
God is the source of all good in the world.
If anything is truly good, it comes from God. James wrote, Every good an perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17 NIV)
Sometimes, we can be deceived into believing that something evil is good. As children who suffered from sexual abuse, we may have been told that our perpetrator's sick need for sexual gratification at our expense was something good. We may have been told that we were good while we were being molested.
It is important to remember that whatever is truly good comes from God. If we are engaging in behaviors that are immoral or wrong, they cannot be labeled good. The only way to learn how to distinguish what is truly good and what is evil is to study God's Word.
I wrote in earlier posts that I had found Healing Touch to be something good for pain relief and spiritual enlightenment. But as I read more of God's Word, I discovered that the people teaching Healing Touch were doing something evil and labeling it good. Their practices began in witchcraft and other religions that are in direct opposition to the Christian faith. The only way I came to this understanding was through a thorough understanding of God's righteousness that I found in the Bible.
The apostle Paul said, "Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by contant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." (Hebrews 5:13-14 NIV) Through a study of God's goodness, we can grow into mature Christians who can stand up to people who tempt us to do evil things and call them good.
God only does good things for his children.
Unlike our earthly fathers, God only does good things for us. We can find assurance in Romans 8:28 (NIV) that God wants to do good for us: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.
This does not mean that the minute we become Christians, all bad things will cease in our lives. There will still be times when we encounter evil, but we will better understand that even when bad things happen, God will do something to bring good from it.
To clarify this for you, God did not desire for me to be sexually abused. However, he has shown me how he plans to use my experience for good. My pain has led me to help others who share similar experiences. All over the world, people are finding comfort in the words that I share with them.
As another example, my study of Healing Touch brought me a lot of spiritual pain. I felt tremendous embarrassment over the fact that I had been duped into believing that something evil was good. However, as soon as I figured out my error, God put the wheels in motion to turn that bad experience into something good.
My minister thanked me for sharing the truth about healing touch with him; he had been looking for answers about alternative medicine for an upcoming sermon series. A fellow believer thanked me for the information, because it gave her the ammunition she needed to say no to someone who wanted her to get involved in Reiki, another type of healing which is not based in Christianity.
We should imitate God's goodness.
Whenever we can, we should do good. The apostle Paul wrote, "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Gal. 6:10 NIV) If it is unclear to us how to be good, we must learn that God is the one we should imitate.
God's #1 goal is for us to become more like Christ each day.
I wrote in previous blogs about developing goals for ourselves. I am learning that it is okay to have goals, provided that they help us to become more like Christ each day. When I discovered that Healing Touch was not pleasing to God, I ended all involvement in the program.
If you've been working on goals, look back over them and ask yourself, "Will this goal help me to become more like Christ each day?" If the answer is no, revise the goal or eliminate it.
You can also ask, "Does this goal reflect God's goodness, and will it develop in me the characteristic of goodness?" Sometimes, it is difficult to see the difference between a goal that makes us feel good and a goal that makes us good.
Getting even with our perpetrator through vengeful actions may make us feel good, but they will never make us good. Using alcohol, drugs, overwork, shopping, or other addictions may make us feel good temporarily, but they will never make us good in the way that God wants us to be.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how you see God's goodness in your life. Is there anything that you are doing that feels good, but is really evil? If you are trapped in a habit that is not good, find an accountability partner or counselor to help you find your way out of it. Imitating God's goodness must come before we can learn how to forgive.
If God is righteousness, we must first understand God's attributes.
God exhibits ten moral attributes that we should seek for ourselves if we want to become righteous. These moral attributes include:
1) goodness,
2) love,
3) mercy,
4) grace,
5) patience,
6) holiness,
7) peace,
8) justice,
9) protection, and
10) intense hate for all sin.
These are really big concepts, so we're going to tackle one per day.
How does the Bible define goodness?
Goodness means that God is the final standard, and all that he does is good. Good is something that God approves. When we do things that are good, we find delight in them, because God delights in them, too.
God is himself goodness defined.
We can find many passages in the Bible which indicate that God is good. For example, Jesus said, "No one is good--except God alone." (Luke 18:19 NIV) The psalmist wrote, Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. (Psalm 106:1 NIV) And King David wrote, Taste and see that the LORD is good..."(Psalm 34:8 NIV)
Everything that God does is worthy of his approval.
Whatever God does is so good, it is worthy of his complete approval. For example, when God created the world, he stood back and sighed with satisfaction. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day. (Gen. 1:31 NIV)
We must be careful to make the distinction here that God's works are not worthy of our approval, but only of God's. Therefore, he is the final standard of goodness.
God has given us the ability to reflect upon his goodness so that we can evaluate things in the way that he wants us to. We can learn to approve what God approves and take delight in whatever delights him.
God is the source of all good in the world.
If anything is truly good, it comes from God. James wrote, Every good an perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17 NIV)
Sometimes, we can be deceived into believing that something evil is good. As children who suffered from sexual abuse, we may have been told that our perpetrator's sick need for sexual gratification at our expense was something good. We may have been told that we were good while we were being molested.
It is important to remember that whatever is truly good comes from God. If we are engaging in behaviors that are immoral or wrong, they cannot be labeled good. The only way to learn how to distinguish what is truly good and what is evil is to study God's Word.
I wrote in earlier posts that I had found Healing Touch to be something good for pain relief and spiritual enlightenment. But as I read more of God's Word, I discovered that the people teaching Healing Touch were doing something evil and labeling it good. Their practices began in witchcraft and other religions that are in direct opposition to the Christian faith. The only way I came to this understanding was through a thorough understanding of God's righteousness that I found in the Bible.
The apostle Paul said, "Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by contant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." (Hebrews 5:13-14 NIV) Through a study of God's goodness, we can grow into mature Christians who can stand up to people who tempt us to do evil things and call them good.
God only does good things for his children.
Unlike our earthly fathers, God only does good things for us. We can find assurance in Romans 8:28 (NIV) that God wants to do good for us: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.
This does not mean that the minute we become Christians, all bad things will cease in our lives. There will still be times when we encounter evil, but we will better understand that even when bad things happen, God will do something to bring good from it.
To clarify this for you, God did not desire for me to be sexually abused. However, he has shown me how he plans to use my experience for good. My pain has led me to help others who share similar experiences. All over the world, people are finding comfort in the words that I share with them.
As another example, my study of Healing Touch brought me a lot of spiritual pain. I felt tremendous embarrassment over the fact that I had been duped into believing that something evil was good. However, as soon as I figured out my error, God put the wheels in motion to turn that bad experience into something good.
My minister thanked me for sharing the truth about healing touch with him; he had been looking for answers about alternative medicine for an upcoming sermon series. A fellow believer thanked me for the information, because it gave her the ammunition she needed to say no to someone who wanted her to get involved in Reiki, another type of healing which is not based in Christianity.
We should imitate God's goodness.
Whenever we can, we should do good. The apostle Paul wrote, "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Gal. 6:10 NIV) If it is unclear to us how to be good, we must learn that God is the one we should imitate.
God's #1 goal is for us to become more like Christ each day.
I wrote in previous blogs about developing goals for ourselves. I am learning that it is okay to have goals, provided that they help us to become more like Christ each day. When I discovered that Healing Touch was not pleasing to God, I ended all involvement in the program.
If you've been working on goals, look back over them and ask yourself, "Will this goal help me to become more like Christ each day?" If the answer is no, revise the goal or eliminate it.
You can also ask, "Does this goal reflect God's goodness, and will it develop in me the characteristic of goodness?" Sometimes, it is difficult to see the difference between a goal that makes us feel good and a goal that makes us good.
Getting even with our perpetrator through vengeful actions may make us feel good, but they will never make us good. Using alcohol, drugs, overwork, shopping, or other addictions may make us feel good temporarily, but they will never make us good in the way that God wants us to be.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how you see God's goodness in your life. Is there anything that you are doing that feels good, but is really evil? If you are trapped in a habit that is not good, find an accountability partner or counselor to help you find your way out of it. Imitating God's goodness must come before we can learn how to forgive.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Recognize Righteousness
Today, we move into the second part of our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. During Part One, we learned that anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression stand as roadblocks to forigiving.
In Part Two, I will present a ten-step process for achieving the ability to forgive. Today and tomorrow, we will learn how to recognize what it means to be righteous. Because if we are going to forgive, we must learn to recognize how God sees our perpetrators and how he sees us as survivors of criminal acts who need to forgive.
Webster's Dictionary defines the word righteous.
Webster defines righteous as
1: acting in accord with divine or moral law; free from guilt or sin; and
2: morally right or justifiable; arising from an outraged sense of justice or morality.
In other words, to be righteous means that we behave within the confines of a set of laws. We strive to remain free from guilt or sin. And we feel righteous anger when someone breaks those laws.
In order to understand what it means for us to be righteous, we must look at righteousness as an attribute of God's character. If we look to the Bible, we will discover that God is righteousness defined, he always acts in accordance with what is right, and he commands us to do what is right.
How does the Bible define righteous behavior?
The Bible tells us that God himself is the final standard of what is right. God says of himself, "I, the LORD speak the truth, I declare what is right." (Isaiah 45:19 NIV) No one, other than God, is perfectly righteous and completely free from sin.
God always acts in accordance with what is right. Moses said of God, He is the Rock, his works are perfect, all all his ways are just.A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. (Deut. 32:4 NIV)
God commands us to do what is right, and he promises blessings for those who obey him: The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. (Psalm 19:8 NIV) Therefore, whatever human behavior conforms to God's moral character is righteous.
Righteousness and punishment go hand in hand.
In order for God to remain righteous, he must punish sin. Without punishment, God could not be right, and there would be no ultimate justice in the world. When he punishes sin, God is proving to all that he is the ultimate, righteous judge over all things.
I have a new puppy. In order for me to teach her how to be righteous, I must offer rewards for good behavior, as well as punishments for bad behavior. If I praised her for both heeling on a leash and for peeing on my rug, she would never understand the difference between right and wrong. And if all I did was shout at her for every move she made, she would become very confused. We are very much like puppies, needing clear messages from God about the difference between righteousness and sin.
What if we don't believe in God or his righteousness?
We are creatures made by God. We have no right to say that God is unrighteous or unjust. The apostle Paul wrote,
But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purpose and some for common use? (Romans 9:20-21 NIV)
What if we don't believe that God has the right to punish sinners?
If we ever find ourselves in a position of questioning God's authority regarding justice, we can look to Job. When Job questioned God's authority to punish man, he got answers such as these from God:
Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place? (Job 38:12 NIV) Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? (Job 38:35 NIV)
In reply, Job said to God, "I am unworthy--how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth." (Job 40:4 NIV) Like Job, we must recognize that God sets the gold standard for righteousness, and we must accept whatever punishment he deems appropriate for those who sin.
Jesus turns God's wrath into favor for us.
People could call God unrighteous if he did not punish sin. Because a God who does not punish sin is not a righteous God. Therefore, when God sent Jesus to die in our place for our sins, he showed that he could store up past, present and future sins and give them to Jesus on the cross. As a result of Christ's death, believers enjoy God's favor, not his wrath.
Romans 3:21-26 (NIV) clarifies the concept of God's righteousness for us:
But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify: This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished--he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
Every single person has sinned, and no one deserves God's favor. However, God offers us a free gift of eternal life if we believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus as his Son. For people who believe in Jesus, who repent of their sins, and who surrender control of all things to him; there is hope.If we have faith in Christ, Jesus can stand in our place to take our punishment for us. God sent Jesus to prove that he has the right to judge, to punish, and to forgive.
Where do you stand?
If we believe that God's Word is true and that he is the ultimate judge of all things, then we can move forward in our quest to forgive. On the other hand, if we question God's existence, his righteousness, the truth of his Word, or his right to judge; we may find it impossible to forgive.
Without God, we may hold onto those roadblocks to forgiveness, such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred. We may see ourselves in the roles as judge, jury, and executioner, rather than merely in the role of forgiver.
Tomorrow, we will look more closely at what the Bible has to say about righteous acts. For now, we simply need to accept that God is righteous, and he is the only one who has the right to give punishment, withhold it, or send a substitute for it.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down what you believe about God's righteousness and his role in judging sinners. Do you see God as:
1) a deity of nothing but love who never punishes anyone,
2) a deity of nothing but wrath who has it in for us,
3) a deity who is a combination of love and justice, or
4) a distant deity who doesn't care what happens to us?
In Part Two, I will present a ten-step process for achieving the ability to forgive. Today and tomorrow, we will learn how to recognize what it means to be righteous. Because if we are going to forgive, we must learn to recognize how God sees our perpetrators and how he sees us as survivors of criminal acts who need to forgive.
Webster's Dictionary defines the word righteous.
Webster defines righteous as
1: acting in accord with divine or moral law; free from guilt or sin; and
2: morally right or justifiable; arising from an outraged sense of justice or morality.
In other words, to be righteous means that we behave within the confines of a set of laws. We strive to remain free from guilt or sin. And we feel righteous anger when someone breaks those laws.
In order to understand what it means for us to be righteous, we must look at righteousness as an attribute of God's character. If we look to the Bible, we will discover that God is righteousness defined, he always acts in accordance with what is right, and he commands us to do what is right.
How does the Bible define righteous behavior?
The Bible tells us that God himself is the final standard of what is right. God says of himself, "I, the LORD speak the truth, I declare what is right." (Isaiah 45:19 NIV) No one, other than God, is perfectly righteous and completely free from sin.
God always acts in accordance with what is right. Moses said of God, He is the Rock, his works are perfect, all all his ways are just.A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. (Deut. 32:4 NIV)
God commands us to do what is right, and he promises blessings for those who obey him: The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. (Psalm 19:8 NIV) Therefore, whatever human behavior conforms to God's moral character is righteous.
Righteousness and punishment go hand in hand.
In order for God to remain righteous, he must punish sin. Without punishment, God could not be right, and there would be no ultimate justice in the world. When he punishes sin, God is proving to all that he is the ultimate, righteous judge over all things.
I have a new puppy. In order for me to teach her how to be righteous, I must offer rewards for good behavior, as well as punishments for bad behavior. If I praised her for both heeling on a leash and for peeing on my rug, she would never understand the difference between right and wrong. And if all I did was shout at her for every move she made, she would become very confused. We are very much like puppies, needing clear messages from God about the difference between righteousness and sin.
What if we don't believe in God or his righteousness?
We are creatures made by God. We have no right to say that God is unrighteous or unjust. The apostle Paul wrote,
But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purpose and some for common use? (Romans 9:20-21 NIV)
What if we don't believe that God has the right to punish sinners?
If we ever find ourselves in a position of questioning God's authority regarding justice, we can look to Job. When Job questioned God's authority to punish man, he got answers such as these from God:
Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place? (Job 38:12 NIV) Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? (Job 38:35 NIV)
In reply, Job said to God, "I am unworthy--how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth." (Job 40:4 NIV) Like Job, we must recognize that God sets the gold standard for righteousness, and we must accept whatever punishment he deems appropriate for those who sin.
Jesus turns God's wrath into favor for us.
People could call God unrighteous if he did not punish sin. Because a God who does not punish sin is not a righteous God. Therefore, when God sent Jesus to die in our place for our sins, he showed that he could store up past, present and future sins and give them to Jesus on the cross. As a result of Christ's death, believers enjoy God's favor, not his wrath.
Romans 3:21-26 (NIV) clarifies the concept of God's righteousness for us:
But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify: This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished--he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.
Every single person has sinned, and no one deserves God's favor. However, God offers us a free gift of eternal life if we believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus as his Son. For people who believe in Jesus, who repent of their sins, and who surrender control of all things to him; there is hope.If we have faith in Christ, Jesus can stand in our place to take our punishment for us. God sent Jesus to prove that he has the right to judge, to punish, and to forgive.
Where do you stand?
If we believe that God's Word is true and that he is the ultimate judge of all things, then we can move forward in our quest to forgive. On the other hand, if we question God's existence, his righteousness, the truth of his Word, or his right to judge; we may find it impossible to forgive.
Without God, we may hold onto those roadblocks to forgiveness, such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred. We may see ourselves in the roles as judge, jury, and executioner, rather than merely in the role of forgiver.
Tomorrow, we will look more closely at what the Bible has to say about righteous acts. For now, we simply need to accept that God is righteous, and he is the only one who has the right to give punishment, withhold it, or send a substitute for it.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down what you believe about God's righteousness and his role in judging sinners. Do you see God as:
1) a deity of nothing but love who never punishes anyone,
2) a deity of nothing but wrath who has it in for us,
3) a deity who is a combination of love and justice, or
4) a distant deity who doesn't care what happens to us?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Use Forgiveness to Overcome Depression
Yesterday, we learned that unforgiveness can lead to depression. When we harbor negative thoughts toward our perpetrators or ourselves, we create a 'leak' in our brain's serotonin supply--the feel-good chemical that helps us to feel happy. Today, we learn about what forgiveness is and what it is not.
Forgiveness is...
Many victims of abuse withhold forgiveness, because they fear that letting go of their anger will cause the abuse to return. If we want to get better, we must realize that trying to forgive allows us:
-to let go of our old hurts,
-to make the decision to move forward,
-to release the negative emotions directed at our perpetrator, and
-to take back our personal power.
Forgiveness is not...
When victims realize that fogiveness does not require the following, they begin to loosen their grip on their bitterness. Forgiveness is not:
-condoning what happened,
-inviting our perpetrator back into our life,
-being friendly with our perpetrator,
-forgetting what happened, or
-ignoring the hurt and hoping it goes away.
We can do the impossible with God's help.
I understand that telling a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to just let go of the hurt may seem simplistic. Making the decision to move forward may feel impossible or overwhelming. Reclaiming any level of personal power may seem laughable.
Remember Ephesians 4:13 (NIV) when you feel that you will be stuck with depression for the rest of your life: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. We may not have the power to change how we feel about our perpetrator. But God can use his power to work incredible changes within us.
Begin with prayer.
At this point, we must begin with prayer. Your prayer might go something like this:
God, help me to let go of my need to control this situation with my abuser. I feel angry and guilty all at the same time. I don't know how to forgive him, but I'm asking you to help me take the first step. I want to move forward with my life and reclaim the personal power that he took from me. I trust you to help me through this. Amen.
Looking ahead.
Beginning Monday, we will work through ten steps for arriving at complete forgiveness. For now, all you have to do is be willing to try this process of forgiving.
Today's Challenge
Review the nine roadblocks to forgiveness that we have identified over the past few weeks: anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. If you're stuck behind one of them, ask a counselor or trusted friend to help you move forward.
Forgiveness is...
Many victims of abuse withhold forgiveness, because they fear that letting go of their anger will cause the abuse to return. If we want to get better, we must realize that trying to forgive allows us:
-to let go of our old hurts,
-to make the decision to move forward,
-to release the negative emotions directed at our perpetrator, and
-to take back our personal power.
Forgiveness is not...
When victims realize that fogiveness does not require the following, they begin to loosen their grip on their bitterness. Forgiveness is not:
-condoning what happened,
-inviting our perpetrator back into our life,
-being friendly with our perpetrator,
-forgetting what happened, or
-ignoring the hurt and hoping it goes away.
We can do the impossible with God's help.
I understand that telling a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to just let go of the hurt may seem simplistic. Making the decision to move forward may feel impossible or overwhelming. Reclaiming any level of personal power may seem laughable.
Remember Ephesians 4:13 (NIV) when you feel that you will be stuck with depression for the rest of your life: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. We may not have the power to change how we feel about our perpetrator. But God can use his power to work incredible changes within us.
Begin with prayer.
At this point, we must begin with prayer. Your prayer might go something like this:
God, help me to let go of my need to control this situation with my abuser. I feel angry and guilty all at the same time. I don't know how to forgive him, but I'm asking you to help me take the first step. I want to move forward with my life and reclaim the personal power that he took from me. I trust you to help me through this. Amen.
Looking ahead.
Beginning Monday, we will work through ten steps for arriving at complete forgiveness. For now, all you have to do is be willing to try this process of forgiving.
Today's Challenge
Review the nine roadblocks to forgiveness that we have identified over the past few weeks: anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. If you're stuck behind one of them, ask a counselor or trusted friend to help you move forward.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Letting Go of Pride
We continue today with our discussion about pride, the seventh obstacle in our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.
Last time, we learned that pride prevents us from forgiving others, because we see ourselves as superior to those who have hurt us. When we fail to see our own sin in doing this, we hinder our spiritual growth. God can't help us to grow up if we can't admit that we are sinning, too.
So, how do we overcome this issue of pride? I see pride removal as a 7-step process, as follows.
1) Be honest with yourself.
I found the following list on a posting by Evangelical Village. Read the list and keep track of how many questions you answer with a yes.
-Are your feelings hurt easily?
-Does it irritate you when people don’t agree with you?
-Does it really bother you when someone corrects your mistakes?
-Is it hard for you to admit mistakes?
-Do you think you are usually right and others are usually wrong?
-Do you find it hard to compromise? Is it your way or no way?
-Are you often stressed?
-Do you find yourself giving more criticisms than compliments?
-Are you quick to judge other people on first appearance?
-Are you usually more concerned with your needs and wants than for others?
-If someone has hurt you in the past, do you hold onto bitterness?
-Do you seek praise for things such as beauty, talents, and abilities?
-Do you feel offended when not given credit for something you have done?
-Do you often compete or compare yourself with someone else?
-Are you always trying to do better or have more than someone else?
-Do you neglect seeking the help of God through Scripture and prayer?
-Are you avoiding the help of other Christians?
-Do you see yourself as having eliminated most of the sin in your life?
If you have more than 5 yes answers, you've probably got pride issues. Read on to discover how to eliminate this problem.
2) Admit your sin of pride to God.
When a person commits a crime, he goes to court, where a prosecuting attorney attempts to reveal his offenses to a judge. A defense attorney tries to convince the judge that the defendant is innocent. If the person is found guilty, he stands before the judge to hear his sentence. What a terrifying moment that must be!
At the end of our lives, Jesus will sit as the ultimate judge of everything we have done. There will be no prosecutor or defense attorney, because Christ sees all truth about us without anyone's assistance. Our sins and our good deeds will speak for themselves.
What amazes me is that when Jesus announces we are guilty, he will step down from his judge's seat to offer himself as a substitution for our punishment--provided we have repented, expressed our belief in Christ, and done our best to turn away from our sinful nature. What a relief it will be to know that we have escaped a horrific punishment!
The thought of facing God's judgment always causes me to think twice about pride. Wouldn't it be awful for my father to be invited into heaven after repenting, while I found myself destined for hell as a result of my unforgiving heart?
Here is a sobering thought: our perpetrators may very well wind up in Heaven, where they will love us perfectly, just as Jesus does. The true test of whether or not we have stopped feeling supeiror to our enemies is whether or not we feel resentment when thinking about experiencing eternal life with them. If we can't see ourselves sharing the joys of Heaven with our enemies, it's time to admit that pride is holding us back from forgiving.
3) Ask God to remove all feelings of pride.
If God can see through us, he knows about our prideful thoughts. He sees the way we treat our enemies with disdain. He understands our hurts and why we keep ourselves separate from others emotionally. Trying to hide these attitudes from him is a waste of energy.
God has used my father's upcoming court hearing to teach me that I needed to learn humility. In the past few weeks, I have come to understand that I am in need of a heart change as much as my father is. I used to think that child molestation was a far more heinous crime than anything I have ever done. But my crimes of hatred, bitterness, resentment, and pride are just as bad.
4) Tell an accountability partner about your prideful nature.
We need to find someone to help us put our pride into perspective. A well-experienced minister, Christian counselor, or a mature believer can listen to us talk about our air of superiority.
I discovered that confessing my sin of pride to God and to a minister brought me tremendous releif. It drained me of all my hard-driving ambition that has caused me terrible stress. Without pride, I no longer have to work so hard to control the outcomes of numerous situations.
Interestingly, when I let go of pride and the need to control outcomes, God came rushing in to surprise me with unexpected blessings. People began to come to me, looking for guidance in their spiritual lives. I got a generous government check in the mail that I wasn't expecting. My perspective shifted so completely, I began to see many people with greater compassion. My ability to extend grace grew by leaps and bounds.
5) Ask others to pray for you as you overcome pride.
Someimes, our own prayers just don't feel very effective, particlarly when we're struggling with something as thorny as pride. I've asked others to pray for me, and I know that they are. I feel tremendous peace at a time when I would ordinarily experience high levels of stress.
6) Pray for your enemy.
A good friend told me years ago that I should pray for my perpetrator. This felt so unnatural, but I have since learned that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Eph. 4:13) My friend suggested that I pray for my enemy to have what I do: peace, love, joy, and a relationship with God.
Jesus used great wisdom when he taught, "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." (Matt 5:44 NIV) The Lord knew when he made this statement that it's difficult to feel superior to someone while praying for them.
7) Avoid making negative comments about your enemy.
If we are going to overcome pride, we must constantly work on it. We can't go back to making negative comments about our enemy or criticize what he is doing with his life. If we find ourselves in the company of people who suck us into such behavior, we must find a way to change the tone of the conversation or to remove ourselves from it.
We need to think about the positive qualities in our perpetrator. If we can't muster up any, then we can think about Christ's beautiful nature. Philippians 4:8 (NIV) reminds us: Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how pride has kept you from forgiving someone who has hurt you. Share the contents of your writing with God. Ask him to reveal his mercy for your enemy through this experience. If you don't yet have an accountability partner, find someone you can trust. Tell her about your struggle with pride and ask her to pray for you. Together, pray for your enemy.
Last time, we learned that pride prevents us from forgiving others, because we see ourselves as superior to those who have hurt us. When we fail to see our own sin in doing this, we hinder our spiritual growth. God can't help us to grow up if we can't admit that we are sinning, too.
So, how do we overcome this issue of pride? I see pride removal as a 7-step process, as follows.
1) Be honest with yourself.
I found the following list on a posting by Evangelical Village. Read the list and keep track of how many questions you answer with a yes.
-Are your feelings hurt easily?
-Does it irritate you when people don’t agree with you?
-Does it really bother you when someone corrects your mistakes?
-Is it hard for you to admit mistakes?
-Do you think you are usually right and others are usually wrong?
-Do you find it hard to compromise? Is it your way or no way?
-Are you often stressed?
-Do you find yourself giving more criticisms than compliments?
-Are you quick to judge other people on first appearance?
-Are you usually more concerned with your needs and wants than for others?
-If someone has hurt you in the past, do you hold onto bitterness?
-Do you seek praise for things such as beauty, talents, and abilities?
-Do you feel offended when not given credit for something you have done?
-Do you often compete or compare yourself with someone else?
-Are you always trying to do better or have more than someone else?
-Do you neglect seeking the help of God through Scripture and prayer?
-Are you avoiding the help of other Christians?
-Do you see yourself as having eliminated most of the sin in your life?
If you have more than 5 yes answers, you've probably got pride issues. Read on to discover how to eliminate this problem.
2) Admit your sin of pride to God.
When a person commits a crime, he goes to court, where a prosecuting attorney attempts to reveal his offenses to a judge. A defense attorney tries to convince the judge that the defendant is innocent. If the person is found guilty, he stands before the judge to hear his sentence. What a terrifying moment that must be!
At the end of our lives, Jesus will sit as the ultimate judge of everything we have done. There will be no prosecutor or defense attorney, because Christ sees all truth about us without anyone's assistance. Our sins and our good deeds will speak for themselves.
What amazes me is that when Jesus announces we are guilty, he will step down from his judge's seat to offer himself as a substitution for our punishment--provided we have repented, expressed our belief in Christ, and done our best to turn away from our sinful nature. What a relief it will be to know that we have escaped a horrific punishment!
The thought of facing God's judgment always causes me to think twice about pride. Wouldn't it be awful for my father to be invited into heaven after repenting, while I found myself destined for hell as a result of my unforgiving heart?
Here is a sobering thought: our perpetrators may very well wind up in Heaven, where they will love us perfectly, just as Jesus does. The true test of whether or not we have stopped feeling supeiror to our enemies is whether or not we feel resentment when thinking about experiencing eternal life with them. If we can't see ourselves sharing the joys of Heaven with our enemies, it's time to admit that pride is holding us back from forgiving.
3) Ask God to remove all feelings of pride.
If God can see through us, he knows about our prideful thoughts. He sees the way we treat our enemies with disdain. He understands our hurts and why we keep ourselves separate from others emotionally. Trying to hide these attitudes from him is a waste of energy.
God has used my father's upcoming court hearing to teach me that I needed to learn humility. In the past few weeks, I have come to understand that I am in need of a heart change as much as my father is. I used to think that child molestation was a far more heinous crime than anything I have ever done. But my crimes of hatred, bitterness, resentment, and pride are just as bad.
4) Tell an accountability partner about your prideful nature.
We need to find someone to help us put our pride into perspective. A well-experienced minister, Christian counselor, or a mature believer can listen to us talk about our air of superiority.
I discovered that confessing my sin of pride to God and to a minister brought me tremendous releif. It drained me of all my hard-driving ambition that has caused me terrible stress. Without pride, I no longer have to work so hard to control the outcomes of numerous situations.
Interestingly, when I let go of pride and the need to control outcomes, God came rushing in to surprise me with unexpected blessings. People began to come to me, looking for guidance in their spiritual lives. I got a generous government check in the mail that I wasn't expecting. My perspective shifted so completely, I began to see many people with greater compassion. My ability to extend grace grew by leaps and bounds.
5) Ask others to pray for you as you overcome pride.
Someimes, our own prayers just don't feel very effective, particlarly when we're struggling with something as thorny as pride. I've asked others to pray for me, and I know that they are. I feel tremendous peace at a time when I would ordinarily experience high levels of stress.
6) Pray for your enemy.
A good friend told me years ago that I should pray for my perpetrator. This felt so unnatural, but I have since learned that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Eph. 4:13) My friend suggested that I pray for my enemy to have what I do: peace, love, joy, and a relationship with God.
Jesus used great wisdom when he taught, "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." (Matt 5:44 NIV) The Lord knew when he made this statement that it's difficult to feel superior to someone while praying for them.
7) Avoid making negative comments about your enemy.
If we are going to overcome pride, we must constantly work on it. We can't go back to making negative comments about our enemy or criticize what he is doing with his life. If we find ourselves in the company of people who suck us into such behavior, we must find a way to change the tone of the conversation or to remove ourselves from it.
We need to think about the positive qualities in our perpetrator. If we can't muster up any, then we can think about Christ's beautiful nature. Philippians 4:8 (NIV) reminds us: Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how pride has kept you from forgiving someone who has hurt you. Share the contents of your writing with God. Ask him to reveal his mercy for your enemy through this experience. If you don't yet have an accountability partner, find someone you can trust. Tell her about your struggle with pride and ask her to pray for you. Together, pray for your enemy.
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