Unworthy of Kindness

Thank you for joining me today as we continue with my series, Thriving in God's Garden. I would like to reflect on a passage of Scripture from Genesis 32:10. It is a prayer that was spoken by Jacob, one of ancient Israel's greatest leaders. It reads, I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. I had only my staff when I crossed this Jordan, but now I have become two groups.

Jacob had done a lot of things in his lifetime to merit God's wrath. He tricked his own brother out of his inheritance, and he came up with a clever scheme of breeding livestock so that he became wealthier than his father-in-law, who was his business partner.

Jacob certainly didn't deserve God's kindness, but he received it anyway. He wound up with two wives and so many children that they actually made up two large groups of people.

As humans, we often consider what is fair. God, however, sometimes surprises us by blessing people who are unworthy, as Jacob was.

Is someone in your life unworthy of kindness?
As survivors of abuse, we often view our perpetrators as less worthy than anyone else of receiving kindness. We don't think God should give it to them, and we certainly aren't knocking ourselves out to express it to them.

I have been finding it extremely difficult to think of ways to express kindness to my parents right now. They are angry. For months, they have been blaming me for my father's jail sentence after he molested several children in the family. My mother is a powder keg, igniting in anger with little or no provocation toward family members who try to talk to her. I struggle with the mistaken belief that my parents are not worthy of love or kindness.

How do we express kindness to unworthy people?
It is difficult to understand why God made Jacob rich beyond his wildest dreams, considering that he was a con artist and a liar. Nevertheless, God showed him kindness. Why? Because he loved Jacob, just as he loves all of his children.

No one is worthy of God's love and kindness. I certainly am not. I may not be a con artist, a child molester, or convicted criminal, but I sure have acted in ways that have disappointed God over the years. My greatest fault has probably been an inability to forgive swiftly and completely. I'm still working on that.

But when I consider that God is kind to me, even when I don't deserve it, it makes me realize that I ought to be kind to others who don't seem worthy. My mother's brother died this week, and I finally let down my guard long enough to sign a sympathy card and mail it to her. When I considered how sad she must be, I simply couldn't withhold love any longer.

Perhaps the card will spawn more verbal abuse out of my mother. I hope not, but it was a risk I felt that I needed to take. I spend an inordinate amount of time making quilts to comfort families who have lost loved ones. I felt that sending my own mother a card was the least I could do. Perhaps this act of kindness will be received as a peace offering.

Whether we think that a person is worthy of kindness or not, God always believes that they are. He sees the orignal creation, before the world left its mark on the children he designed. Whenever possible, we must find ways to express kindness to all of God's people, because he gives it so freely to us.

Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who seems unworthy of kindness? If it is safe to do so, find a way to express God's love to them. Send a card, carry out a small act of service, or call them to say hello. If you're having trouble accepting the fact that they are worthy, remember that no one is worthy of God's love, but he expresses it through kindnesses anyway.

Admit Your Faults

We continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Now that we have learned how to recognize both righteousness and sin, we move on today with a look into our own faults. Recognizing that we are not perfect takes us one step closer to forgiving our enemies who have abused or traumatized us.

Forgiveness is impossible without humility.
If we want to forgive someone, we cannot keep an attitude of pride or superiority toward them. If we approach forgiveness with our noses in the air, we either make our enemies defensive, or we make them feel insignificant. Neither outcome is pleasing to God, who calls us to love one another.

I Peter 5:5 (NIV) tells us, All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." We can see that our efforts to forgive will be opposed by God if we approach the process with prideful attitudes. Our efforts are backed up by God's grace is we approach forgiveness with humility.

Stop judging your enemy.
There is an old saying that whenever we point a finger at someone, there are three others pointing back at us. We cannot forgive if we are focused on our enemy's sins. Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV):

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Beginning today, stop thinking about and clinging to all of the things that your enemy did to hurt you. Release these bitter thoughts to God and focus, instead, on the sweetness of his love for you.

Start examining yourself.
Lamentations 3:40 (NIV) reads, Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Before any of us can forgive, we must look deep within to examine the condition of our own hearts. We are all sinners, and those of us who have suffered abuse or trauma generally carry with us sins such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred.

I am not asking you to examine yourself to see if you have any sin. I'm asking you to look into your soul to see which sins need to be addressed. Through prayer, ask God to reveal your sins to you. Ask a trusted friend or your spouse what sins they see in you.

Admit your sins to God.
After you have identified which sins are hindering you from forgiving, admit them to God. He already knows what they are, but confessing them to him will relieve you of the burden of carrying them around.

Tell God that you have made a mess of your life and that you cannot manage it any longer. Ask him to lead you. Then pray that God will give you the good sense to follow him, rather than expecting him to act like a genie in a bottle whenever you need him to carry out a task for you. Remember, Christianity is about learning how to be a follower, not the leader. Leading is God's job, not ours.

Tell one other person about your sins.
We are not required to go to confession to have our sins forgiven. Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection gave us full access to him. However, I believe that telling someone whom we can trust about our faults gives us a great deal of leverage against sin. With an accountability partner knowing about our shortcomings, we have greater power through their prayers and encouragement.

Admitting our own faults is an important step in the forgiveness process. Why? Because we expect our enemies to admit their faults to us. And if we're going to come to an understanding of how difficult that can be for them, we must be willing to do it first.

I think about how hard it must have been for my father to carry around the secret of child molestation for so many years. Imagine how hard that would be. If just one child spoke out, his life would come tumbling down like a house of cards.

I am grateful that my dad finally confessed to the police about what he did to my daughter. It spared her from tremendous embarrassment and the stress involved with court appearances. More importantly, it set him on the road to forgiveness alongside us.

As we travel this journey, we are struggling to forgive someone who has deeply hurt us. It is important to remember that our enemies are struggling just as hard to let go of their sins. By admitting our own faults, we walk in their shoes. In doing so, we can begin to empathize with their battle.

Today's Challenge
Set aside some time for reflection and prayer. Ask God to reveal sins that you may not even be aware of in your quest to forgive. When they surface, write them down in your journal. Admit your sins to God and to one other trusted person. Write down how you think your enemy might be feeling about admitting his own faults. Begin to pray for him.

God Expects Honor

We continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, with further thoughts about God's character. So far, we have learned about his goodness, love, mercy, grace, patience, holiness, peace, and justice. Today we look at God's expectations for us to honor him.

What is honor?
Honor is special esteem or respect that we give to someone. A soldier may receive honor for his service. We pay honor to people in positions of power, such as the governor or a judge.

God expects us to give him the highest honor.
While we may honor some of the people around us whom we respect, God inists that we honor him above all other people or things. The second commandment reads, "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God...(Exodus 20:4-5 NIV)

The Bible uses the word jealous whenever God speaks about his expectations regarding his honor. In other words, he will not put up with our placing anyone or anything ahead of him. He expects our fullest respect, similar to the way a husband might expect honor from his wife.

What is an idol?
When I was younger, I used to think that following this commandment was pretty easy. After all, I wasn't bowing down to carved idols in my backyard.

As I grew older, though, I began to realize that idols can be present in our lives without our even recognizing them. What do they look like? Idols can be our favorite TV shows, food, alcohol, gambling, electronic games, movie stars, books, cars, sports figures, goals, or even our exercise routines.

Perhaps I can clarify this with an example. Think about someone you know who is really enthusiastic about something...a golfer who hits the links daily to see how close he can come to par, a sports enthusiast who never misses a single baseball game all season, or a businesswoman who spends every waking hour knocking herself out to meet self-imposed goals.

There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these pursuits. Golf, baseball, and goal-setting are all useful activities. The trouble arises when a person ignores time with God in order to pursue them.

A good rule of thumb in determining whether idols are making God jealous is to consider how many hours each day are spent with God and how much time is spent on other interests. God expects us to give him more honor than we give to our television sets, our cars, our homes, our children, our jobs, our hobbies, and so on.

I'm not saying that we should quit our jobs and neglect our children. There is a balance in life regarding all of our responsibilities. But if we are honest with ourselves, my guess is that most of us spend far more time watching TV or pursuing our own interests than we do reading our Bibles. Our life gets out of balance and God gets jealous when we choose to spend our free time on everything except God.

Honor others more highly than yourself.
The point in studying God's expectations for honor is this: if we are imitators of God, we must learn to honor others more highly than ourselves. This comes back to an earlier post regarding pride and humility. We can never extend forgiveness to an enemy if we always regard ourselves with higher esteem than we do others.

The apostle Paul reminded early Christians, "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." (Romans 12:10 NIV) This is easy to do with fellow believers who conduct themselves nicely. But do we really have to honor people who have abused or traumatized us?

The answer to that question in yes. With a spirit of humility, we can look inward and realize that we don't deserve special honor at all. Every one of us has sinned and deserves punishment for something we've done.

Humility is a great equalizer among members of the human race. We are all in the same predicament--deserving of God's punishment for sin. We are no different from our enemies who have deeply wounded us. They deserve our honor as much as the next guy.

How do we honor our enemies who have hurt us?
As I think about my father who molested a number of children in our family, I struggle with this concept of honoring others more highly than ourselves. I want to let my father know that I still honor him as my parent, but I don't know how to do that without confusing him. I'm afraid that if I extend a kindness to him in the form of a letter or visit, he will assume that I'm letting him off the hook for his crimes.

I suppose that the best thing I can do for the moment is to pray for my dad. I am asking God to protect him while he serves his prison sentence. And I pray that God will send good Christian volunteers and prison workers to talk to Dad about God's love for him. This seems like the safest form of honor I can extend to my father now.

Press on in your quest to forgive.
Forgiveness is such a difficult undertaking, but I believe that pursuing it pushes us to grow in many ways. We can't forgive until we fully understand God's character and how we are to imitate him.

This is no small task. But we must keep pressing on, because the rewards of forgiving are worth it. Stick with me through this. In just two weeks, we should all have a better understanding of how to forgive the one who has hurt us the most.

Today's Challenge
Think about how much of your time is spent honoring God. Do you read your Bible daily? Are you praying often? Do you participate in worship services or sing praises to him while you're alone? Do you tell others about his goodness? If not, what can you give up so that you have more time to devote to honoring God?

Hard to Forgive

When someone we love shatters our trust with abuse, it is very hard to forgive. If the abuse occurred repeatedly during childhood, years of psychological and physical damage lie buried beneath multiple layers of self-protective armor. Our spirits cry out to God for justice, and at the same time, our emotions demand acceptance and love from the very person who has hurt us. How do we begin to forgive?

For years, I have been struggling to forgive my parents for abusing me. As I sat praying over photos of my father and mother recently, God suddenly revealed a surprising truth: I was the one who needed to ask for forgiveness.

What?

Yes, God was gently pointing out that I was the one in need of forgiveness. Harboring thoughts of anger and hostility toward the two people who gave me life is a sin. In an instant, the pride that has propped me up for fifty years suddenly came crashing down. God showed me that I was no better than my father, my mother, or anyone else who sins. We are all sinners in one way or another.

I realized that my need to hold onto my spiritual and emotional pain had prevented me from moving forward in the process of forgiving. I had clung to the injustice of childhood sexual abuse and waved it like a bright orange banner to ward off others who might hurt me. I had white-knuckled my flagpole of outrage so that others would join me in the fight against the indignity of childhood abuse.

Righteous anger that arises out of an injustice compels us to cry out for God's vengeance. But once he has the matter in hand, we need to pass our battle flag over to God and allow him to discipline people who need correcting. In that moment of truth, God was asking me to let go.

Even as I write this, the irrational three-year-old inside of me is kicking and screaming, "Don't let the grown-ups ever look good. They're bad. You have to tell what they did."

Today, I can set that child within me at ease. The truth has set us both free.

It is finally dawning on me that I am not alone in this battle anymore. Because I was relentless in crying out, other victims from within the family found the courage to speak out, too. My life-long war to reveal the humiliation of childhood sexual abuse is over. I have fought bravely, and I have helped many others along the way.

At last, the grown-up side of me can admit that I have been bitterly angry most of my life. I have hated my parents for living like cardboard cut-outs, pretending to cherish their children. Other family members have enraged me by refusing to see and accept the obvious. I have been angry at so many people who blinded themselves to the truth; it is hard to comprehend how I ever managed to function.

Colossians 3:13 reads, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." This verse tells us that we must forgive others, because Christ first forgave us.

After reading this passage, God's message became clear to me. I needed to first lay aside my puffed-up image of myself and humbly ask for forgiveness. After I did that, then I could see how it was possible to forgive my parents.

If I see myself as better than my parents, then I can never see them as God does. He looks at a man and a woman whom he created in His image. In spite of their sins, he still loves them. He still wants them to join him in Heaven someday. Every day, he is wooing them to himself, hoping that they will repent and ask for forgiveness. And in the same way, he is wooing me.

God is using our legal system to mete out an appropriate punishment for my father. My mother will feel the sting of shame when everyone discovers that her husband has gone to jail. Their way of life will finally be exposed for what it truly has been. It saddens me to think about how unbearable this will be for them as the lifestyle they have always enjoyed slips from their fingers.

The county prosecutor called me to ask what I thought would be an appropriate sentence for my father. As I considered the various choices, I wondered how I might feel if I were in Dad's shoes. Would I be willing to stand in as a substitute for my father, just as Jesus did for me? The thought of spending more than a minute in jail terrified me. In that instant, I realized that I had never loved my father as Christ does.

Colossions 3:14 reads, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." We cannot forgive someone until we look at them through the eyes of God's perfect love. Forgiveness is impossible unless we see ourselves as equally deserving of the punishment that we believe is in order for someone who has hurt us.

And when we have repented, we must be able to see ourselves as equally deserving of God's love...the same love that is waiting for our abusers when they turn away from their evil actions to a new life in Christ.

I am still asking God daily to help me forgive and love my parents as he does. It remains difficult, but is getting easier. I know that God's love is big enough to help me carry out this seemingly impossible task.

Are you finding it difficult to forgive someone who has abused you? When you are safe, find someone who will listen to you and believe that you have been hurt. Then ask God to forgive you for the anger you have harbored toward your abuser. When you put your own forgiveness into proper perspective, God will reveal that his love is big enough to help you forgive.

God Opposes the Proud

My friend just brought me back from physical therapy on my knee and the follow-up visit with my surgeon. It was an interesting afternoon.

I have been assigned to the former manager of a physical therapy company who has suddenly found himself back in a staff position after the company closed his office on the other side of the city. He had a very positive attitude about this 'demotion,' and said with a smile that at least he didn't have to deal with bad employees anymore. I'd be willing to bet that his humble spirit and positive attitude will land him in a wonderful new position soon.

This therapist is so knowledgeable and patient. He has told me things about MS that I didn't know. For example, when a muscle is injured in a person with MS, it takes far longer to heal; and if the muscle is damaged severely, the MS patient will never fully recover the use of the muscle. He noticed my shoes and recommended different ones to help support my knees. He emphasized the importance of taking my recovery very slowly and gently. Everything in moderation was the mantra I heard from him. My neurologist has been begging me to slow down for years.

Before the visit to the surgeon's office, I wrote out all of the things I would like to say to him regarding his rude treatment during my recent hospital stay. I went over it with Joe and my friend. Both of them felt that the doctor would just close his ears to what I had to say. But I felt that I had to say it, nevertheless. Perhaps by speaking up, I might save another patient from being mistreated.

When the surgeon finished the exam, I asked if I could share something with him that might help him with other MS patients in the future. He said okay, and I told him that it really wigged me out to be told so bluntly that he would just have to send me to a nursing home since I couldn't walk.

He launched into a defensive argument about how he has built his entire practice on his mastery of psychology. He claims that he can analyze any patient within minutes of walking into a room, and he figured out that I was the type of person who was prone to be lazy; to let others wait on me hand and foot. He purposely said what he did about the nursing home to give me a 'kick in the butt' and scare me into moving my leg!

He continued by telling me that he is an expert in the treatment of MS, because he's been caring for his sister-in-law with MS for the past three years. He's read everything he can on the subject, and he knows that MS patients tend to become passive and expect others to do everything for them. (You probably could have heard the steam whistling out of my ears at this point!) He also claimed that MS patients have to be worked harder than ordinary people in order to get better.

He went on to say that he knew he might lose me as a patient, but it didn't matter. He said that some people are just never happy, even when you do a great job. And others are injured by his practice, but they still think he's the finest doctor on the planet.

When he took in a breath to continue, I said, "Well, you got me 100% wrong. I am not the type of person who enjoys being waited on. In fact, my friends usually have to tell me to quit over-doing it."

He said that he figured he had made me mad that day in the hospital by the look on my face, but he didn't care. He pointed at my knee and said, "Your knee's getting better. If making you mad is what it took, it doesn't matter."

I told him that I'm not the sort of person to go around telling the entire world about what he did just to get him into trouble. But I pointed out that he has a family counting on him, and the next MS patient he insults might not be quite as nice as I am.

Again, he simply said that he figured he might lose me as a patient, and he was okay with that.

I just sat there, dumb-founded. I couldn't think of another word to say.

My friend told me afterward that she would have quoted a very short verse of Scripture to him: "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." (James 4:6b)

We decided that we'd better start praying for this surgeon, because God needs to give him a wake-up call. The last surgeon who was this prideful with me lost her 3-year-old daughter a month later over a waterfall while on vacation in Hawaii. The child's body was never recovered.

This experience helped me to see that I am growing in my ability to speak up when things are not right. I stood up for myself and said what I needed to without crying, shaking, or getting angry. My surgeon's response was incredible, but predictable. I am asking God to help me forgive this man and for God to deal with the doctor in whatever way he feels is appropriate. Now, I can move on with my life, knowing that I did the right thing. What this doctor does with my feedback and God's reaction is another matter that is out of my hands.

I pray that encounters with prideful people like this surgeon will always serve to remind me that I, too, can be puffed up with arrogance. I hope that I will have the humility to listen when others tell me that I am in the wrong.