Hard to Forgive

When someone we love shatters our trust with abuse, it is very hard to forgive. If the abuse occurred repeatedly during childhood, years of psychological and physical damage lie buried beneath multiple layers of self-protective armor. Our spirits cry out to God for justice, and at the same time, our emotions demand acceptance and love from the very person who has hurt us. How do we begin to forgive?

For years, I have been struggling to forgive my parents for abusing me. As I sat praying over photos of my father and mother recently, God suddenly revealed a surprising truth: I was the one who needed to ask for forgiveness.

What?

Yes, God was gently pointing out that I was the one in need of forgiveness. Harboring thoughts of anger and hostility toward the two people who gave me life is a sin. In an instant, the pride that has propped me up for fifty years suddenly came crashing down. God showed me that I was no better than my father, my mother, or anyone else who sins. We are all sinners in one way or another.

I realized that my need to hold onto my spiritual and emotional pain had prevented me from moving forward in the process of forgiving. I had clung to the injustice of childhood sexual abuse and waved it like a bright orange banner to ward off others who might hurt me. I had white-knuckled my flagpole of outrage so that others would join me in the fight against the indignity of childhood abuse.

Righteous anger that arises out of an injustice compels us to cry out for God's vengeance. But once he has the matter in hand, we need to pass our battle flag over to God and allow him to discipline people who need correcting. In that moment of truth, God was asking me to let go.

Even as I write this, the irrational three-year-old inside of me is kicking and screaming, "Don't let the grown-ups ever look good. They're bad. You have to tell what they did."

Today, I can set that child within me at ease. The truth has set us both free.

It is finally dawning on me that I am not alone in this battle anymore. Because I was relentless in crying out, other victims from within the family found the courage to speak out, too. My life-long war to reveal the humiliation of childhood sexual abuse is over. I have fought bravely, and I have helped many others along the way.

At last, the grown-up side of me can admit that I have been bitterly angry most of my life. I have hated my parents for living like cardboard cut-outs, pretending to cherish their children. Other family members have enraged me by refusing to see and accept the obvious. I have been angry at so many people who blinded themselves to the truth; it is hard to comprehend how I ever managed to function.

Colossians 3:13 reads, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." This verse tells us that we must forgive others, because Christ first forgave us.

After reading this passage, God's message became clear to me. I needed to first lay aside my puffed-up image of myself and humbly ask for forgiveness. After I did that, then I could see how it was possible to forgive my parents.

If I see myself as better than my parents, then I can never see them as God does. He looks at a man and a woman whom he created in His image. In spite of their sins, he still loves them. He still wants them to join him in Heaven someday. Every day, he is wooing them to himself, hoping that they will repent and ask for forgiveness. And in the same way, he is wooing me.

God is using our legal system to mete out an appropriate punishment for my father. My mother will feel the sting of shame when everyone discovers that her husband has gone to jail. Their way of life will finally be exposed for what it truly has been. It saddens me to think about how unbearable this will be for them as the lifestyle they have always enjoyed slips from their fingers.

The county prosecutor called me to ask what I thought would be an appropriate sentence for my father. As I considered the various choices, I wondered how I might feel if I were in Dad's shoes. Would I be willing to stand in as a substitute for my father, just as Jesus did for me? The thought of spending more than a minute in jail terrified me. In that instant, I realized that I had never loved my father as Christ does.

Colossions 3:14 reads, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." We cannot forgive someone until we look at them through the eyes of God's perfect love. Forgiveness is impossible unless we see ourselves as equally deserving of the punishment that we believe is in order for someone who has hurt us.

And when we have repented, we must be able to see ourselves as equally deserving of God's love...the same love that is waiting for our abusers when they turn away from their evil actions to a new life in Christ.

I am still asking God daily to help me forgive and love my parents as he does. It remains difficult, but is getting easier. I know that God's love is big enough to help me carry out this seemingly impossible task.

Are you finding it difficult to forgive someone who has abused you? When you are safe, find someone who will listen to you and believe that you have been hurt. Then ask God to forgive you for the anger you have harbored toward your abuser. When you put your own forgiveness into proper perspective, God will reveal that his love is big enough to help you forgive.

Love One Another

My apologies to you, dear readers, for taking so long to write. I was injured by a drunk driver on July 29, and I'm slowly recovering.

Since I have been homebound for the past couple of months, I have been listening frequently to the Gospel of John. Jesus's command to love one another comes across more clearly with each passing day.

I have felt God's love through many people lately. Friends have come to clean, prepare meals, garden, and visit. Their sacrifice of time speaks volumes about God's love.

If we love one another, we make these sacrifices to give up what we want to do in order to take care of someone else's needs. We pray, listen patiently, encourage, provide a meal, take time for a special activity with a friend, clean a house, write a note, and so on. And when we perform these acts without grumbling or worrying about ourselves, then we know that we are expressing God's true love; and joy inevitably follows.

Sometimes, we encounter people who have lost their ability to love. They send short emails or text messages that read, "I love you." They say the words whenever they leave the house or end a phone conversation. But there seems to be little or no joy as they go through their day. They rush others, they complain, they speak impatiently, they let their anger show. Mostly, they let everyone they meet know how miserable their lives have become. They complain about everything, because they've forgotten how to tap into God's love and express it to others. This kind of attitude is like a cancer that will kill all love if it is left untreated.

I now realize what the secret to joy is: it means that I praise God minute by minute for every good and bad thing that happens to me. I keep on serving those around me with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, no matter how hard life becomes. I keep loving people, even when they are ungrateful or rude. Because even when things become unbearable, I can always be thankful that I'm not in this alone. Jesus is always beside me, holding my hand.

I am thankful that God has given me this recovery time to see this truth about His love. I have asked Him and others to forgive me for the times when I have served grudgingly or with resentment.

God continues to send special people into my life so that I can focus more on giving away my love than on trying to find some. I think Jesus wants us to remember that love is a gift to be freely given, not a commodity to be earned or bought.

Search for someone today who practices this kind of heartfelt love, and you will rediscover what it means to be joy-filled. After all, joy and grouchiness can't co-exist. People who love God and embrace all circumstances as opportunities have learned that love is the antidote to depression, burn-out, and hopelessness.

So, love somebody today and rediscover the joy and peace that Christ promises.

Do You Believe in a Lopsided God?

My last blog stirred up some debate about whether or not prideful people experience God's discipline. I'd like to tell you why I think God is not just a warm and fuzzy, everybody's-going-to-heaven kind of god. I'd also like to explain why I think he's not just a horrible, punishing, angry god who zaps everyone with lightning bolts over every tiny infraction.

I believe that God is more like a well-balanced tire than a lopsided feather comforter with all of the stuffing shoved to one end. The Bible clearly tells us about God's character.

According to Wayne Grudem, who wrote Systematic Theology, God is an invisible, spiritual being who knows all things, has the wisdom to choose what is best for his children, and speaks only the truth in all matters. (Read John 4:24, John 1:18, I John 3:20 Job 12:13, and John 17:3 if you don't believe Grudem or me about God's character.)

Wayne Grudem explains that God's ten moral attributes include:

l) goodness (Luke 18:19),
2) love (I John 4:8),
3) mercy (Psalm 103:8),
4) grace (I Peter 5:10),
5) patience (Romans 2:4),
6) holiness (Isaiah 6:3),
7) peace (I Corinthians 14:33),
8) righteousness (Deuteronomy 32:4),
9) justice (Isaiah 45:19), and
10) jealousy (Exodus 20:5).

We all like it when God pours out his goodness, love, grace, mercy, and patience on us. I am very thankful that out of his great love and mercy, God sent his Son to die for my sins so that I don't have to spend eternity in hell, experiencing painful punishments for all of the wrong things I have done. But to believe that these warm and fuzzy traits make up the full extent of God's character is wrong. Giving him only these five attributes makes him very lopsided.

We must look closely at the last five moral attributes of God, too. If we believe that he knows all things and brings about what is best for us, we must accept the fact that our jealous God, who is holy, peace-loving, and righteous, cannot allow his children to behave outside of his boundaries of justice. He disciplines his children, just as we here on earth discipline our own children.

Because God loves us, he holds us to a very high standard: we are to take on those same ten attributes listed above. This is an incredibly high bar that has been set for us. Jesus was perfection in flesh. Of course, it will take lots of discipline to form us into beings who resemble Christ!

God's jealousy does not allow him to watch us chasing after something temporal here on earth, all the while ignoring him. He will discipline us to bring us back into a love relationship with him. His jealousy is not the negative sort that we think of between humans. It stems from his desire to watch over us and protect us from sinning.

Sometimes, we see people sinning over and over and over. There are times when they get caught. When we see sinners receiving punishment through the legal system or other means that God allows, we feel vindicated. We rejoice when God's righteousness results in justice. This is natural, because we are made in the image of God, who cannot tolerate sin.

There are also instances when it looks as if evil people are getting away with murder. They twist our legal system and slip out through looopholes in the law. We wonder where God is and why he doesn't do something.

God's character demands justice in our world, and because we are made in his likeness, we expect justice, too. Just because it looks as if someone is getting away with sin doesn't mean that God isn't seeing everything and working out a plan to restore that person to him. It might take plenty of love, goodness, grace, patience, and mercy on God's part, but you can be sure that he'll bring about holiness, justice, peace, and righteousness in the end through his jealous love.

There are other times when we watch people living faithfully according to God's Word, and terrible things happen to them. We wonder why God didn't stop the tragedies. We must remember, that just because we believe in Jesus and get baptized does not mean that God will take away all of our troubles. On the contrary, becoming a Christian frequently means that God turns up the heat of his refining fire.

It is not 'unChristian' for us to rejoice when sinners find themselves on the receving end of God's justice, provided that we are happy that they now have an opportunity to turn their lives over to Christ. If, on the other hand, we cheer because someone who has hurt us got punished, and we continue to watch for opportunities to gloat about their suffering, then we are merely expressing our vindictive side.

We are commanded, above all else, to love one another. If I truly love others, I will do my best to jealously guard their souls from sin, just as God does. I often pray that God will teach me how to use gentle words, love, mercy, goodness, grace, and patience when restoring a fellow believer to a right relationship with God.

I apologize if I gave any reader the impression in my last blog that I thought my surgeon deserved to lose her daughter over a waterfall in Hawaii after the doctor mistreated me. The child's drowning was a horrible tragedy that I wouldn't wish on anyone. However, I was trying to point out that the loss of that child may have been God's only course of action to bring that surgeon back into a right relationship with him. I thought that perhaps in losing her own child, God was trying to teach that surgeon how to have empathy for other women, like me, whose babies died.

I don't know if this is why God allowed this loss or not. I was only surmising in order to make a point. But I do understand God's character, and it would not be consistent with his character to simply allow that surgeon to continue to mistreat her patients with such a calloused heart. God will do whatever it takes to bring us into a love relationship with him and with one another...even if it sometimes entails breaking our hearts.

Sometimes, God must break our hearts to get our attention. He does not do this out of meanness or from willy-nilly actions of anger. He knows what is best for us, and if it means disciplining us, that's what he will do.

I pray that God will shower me with his warm and fuzzy feelings of goodness, love, mercy, grace, and patience. But I also pray that he will discipline me, as needed, to bring about holiness, peace, righteousness, justice, and love-inspired jealousy for others in me.

Speaking up when someone like my surgeon hurts me, and praying for her hardened heart to be broken, is one way that I can express God's love-inspired jealousy for her. Confronting her may be difficult, but the interaction may create an opportunity for her to turn her heart over to the Lord.

God is not a lopsided, warm and fuzzy guy who is issuing certificates of eternal life to all people upon their deaths. He is a strong, well-rounded, and balanced being who uses all of his attributes to make us balanced, well-rounded people, thoroughly prepared for eternity with him.

I am not a lopsided Christian who believes in a lopsided god. I do not believe in picking and choosing the parts of God's character that are appealing to me. I take into consideration the entire counsel of God's Word. And his Word tells me that he is the One and Only God of goodness, love, mercy, grace, and patience; as well as The One True God of holiness, righteousness, peace, justice, and jealousy. I embrace all facets of God's character, because in doing so, I have far greater opportunities to become more like him.

I do not believe in a lopsided God. Do you?