We continue today with our series, Thriving in God's Garden, a study based on the fruit of the Spirit as described in Galatians 5:22. This week, we are learning about our love relationship with God and with others. Today, I would like to discuss how we can love our enemies.
What does the Bible say about love for our enemies?
Luke 6:27-28 (NIV) reads: But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Jesus spoke these words to his disciples to make three points:
1) We should never treat others spitefully, even when they abuse us;
2) We should love everyone; and
3) We should go the extra mile to express love to our enemies.
How can we protect ourselves from further abuse?
When I used to read this passage, my warning signals began going off. I knew that if I expressed love in practical ways to the abusive people in my life, they would come after me like a pack of wolves on an injured sheep.
We often mistakenly interpret this message to mean that we must put ourselves into a relationship with people who abuse us. This is not what Jesus meant. We can love them from a distance, and Jesus gave us examples of how we might do that.
Show your enemies your love in appropriate ways.
For women who have been victims of domestic violence or adults who suffered childhood sexual abuse, expressing love to their abusers can be difficult. But it is not impossible.
First, let me say that there are ways to express love to abusers that I would not recommend. If your expression of love results in your abuser verbally abusing you, emotionally destroying you at every opportunity, physically harming you, or taking advantage of you sexually for their own gratification; you should immediately remove yourself and any children from such a situation. Every individual's emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual safety must be considered first.
Many abusers do not have the skills to live within a relationship without hurting or using others. Therefore, we must be careful to protect ourselves when we express love to them. If we are kind to them, and in return we receive more abuse, it may be time to step back and wait. In some cases, our abusers may never respond appropriately, but at least we can say we have tried.
When we are in a safe place and free from further abuse, we can find ways to express love to that person who hurt us. From a human perspective, this can feel impossible. But if we pray and ask Jesus to help us love, we may be surprised by what happens.
At first, loving our enemies begins with a lessening of the hatred and anger we feel toward them. Over time, we let go of our need to control the situation or to seek revenge. Eventually, with God's help, we can get to the point where we actually wish only good for our abusers.
When we get to that point of recovery, we can find ways to do good for our abusers and to bless them. Here are some practical ways we can bless our abusers without getting hurt again. We can:
-Stop bringing up the past and recounting all of the horrific things our abusers did. We can talk about our pain with a counselor or with God, and then let it go.
-Pray that God will bless our abusers with the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
-Send our abusers simple cards of encouragement with loving Scripture verses included.
-If our abusers are incarcerated, we can send them gift packages that are provided by the prison system. These include food items, books, and games.
Don't use love to control outcomes with your enemies.
We learned in our previous series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, that we are the last person our abuser needs to point out how he should change. If his heart is ever open, he may accept correction from someone else. This is not a job that we should take on.
Remember, the only person we can ever change is ourselves. So when we send cards or gifts, our underlying purpose must be only to express love, not to force an outcome that we desire.
When we express love to people who hate us, curse us, and do all kinds of evil things to hurt us; there is no longer much room in our hearts for returning the evil. It's hard to hate someone while expressing kindness to them. This is why Jesus encourages us to love everyone. It's a great antidote for getting stuck in a place of bitterness and revenge.
Today's Challenge
Take some time to think about how you might safely express love to someone who has hurt you. Make a list of ideas and share it with a counselor or trusted friend. Ask them to help you sort out which ideas would be most helpful to your enemy without jeopardizing your safety. Take action to express love in one way to your enemy when the timing is right.
Showing posts with label revenge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label revenge. Show all posts
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Release Your Enemy to God
For the past two months, we have journeyed together through my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Today is the final post on this topic. Next week, we will begin a new series based on the fruit of the Spirit, titled Thriving in God's Garden.
Forgiveness is a long journey.
For a number of years, I have been working through this process of forgiving the people who have hurt me the most. I would like to thank my friends and readers who have offered their thoughts about this topic. You have all been extremely helpful. The following paragraphs contain my conclusions about how a survivor of abuse or trauma can remove the roadblocks to forgiveness and begin to thrive.
We are deeply wounded by abuse or trauma.
First, we must acknowledge that childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, and trauma all leave us with scars. When our perpetrators are finished with us, we may feel:
angry,
fearful,
mistrusting,
incompetent,
guilty,
vengeful,
prideful,
hateful, or
depressed.
Before we can forgive, we must face the truth about our past. If it was hurtful, we need to admit that to ourselves. Then, we need to ask God to comfort us.
Misunderstandings about forgiveness stand as roadblocks for us.
Second, we must realize that many misunderstandings about forgiveness stand in our way to achieving inner peace. These roadblocks to forgiveness include the following:
Roadblock #1: We must learn to get along with evil people.
Often, victims of childhood sexual abuse are told by their abusers that sexual activity between children and adults is good. Harming a child for self-gratification is never good. Actions such as these are always evil, but evil people may try to convince us that they are good.
When we fail to recognize the differences between good and evil, we get stranded on the side of the forgiveness road. The Bible tells us that good and evil cannot coexist. Therefore, we must separate ourselves from the people who continue to abuse us so that we can clearly understand the differences between good and evil.
By studying the Bible, talking with mature Christians, and praying for God to make us more like him, we can clear up this misunderstanding that we must learn to live with evil people. We can finally see that whatever opposes God's law or his character is evil. And whatever imitates him is good.
By learning to see God from a more balanced perspective, we can move forward on the road to forgiving by letting go of the people who are evil. In doing this, we learn without a doubt that our God is balanced, offering blessings to those who obey him and punishment for those who oppose him.
Roadblock #2: I am superior to my enemy.
As victims of serious crimes, we often see ourselves as superior to our perpetrators. This attitude always stands in our way of inner peace. As long as we think the entire problem lies with our enemy, we will remain stalled in our quest to forgive.
We must learn to see ourselves as God does, just as faulty on the inside as our enemies. If we are ever going to forgive them, we have to learn what the entire forgiveness process entails. The steps to forgiving mean that we:
-recognize that God's character defines all that is good,
-recognize that whatever opposes God's character is evil,
-admit that we have faults, just as our enemy does,
-humbly ask God to forgive our sins,
-accept God's grace and let go of all guilt,
-turn our life completely around so that we can imitate God better,
-ask others whom we have hurt for their forgiveness, and
-offer restitution to anyone we have hurt.
Roadblock #3: I have to restore the relationship with my enemy.
The biggest roadblock to forgiveness looms before us when we confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. To reconcile means that we put our differences aside and resume a relationship with someone who has hurt us.
Many people assume that if we forgive someone, we have to invite them back into our lives. This is not true. It is perfectly okay for us to remove ourselves permanently from the influence of someone who has hurt us or continues to hurt us. Even if the person who hurt us is a member of our own family, we do not have to invite them back into our lives.
Roadblock #4: I have to teach my enemy how to apologize.
So many victims believe that it is their duty to teach their enemies how to admit their sin, receive God's grace, and change their lives. As victims, we are the last people who should be doing this. We will only be seen as preachy hypocrites in our enemy's eyes. It is far better to pray for them from a distance, asking God to send others to change them. We can never force our enemies into changing so that we can forgive them.
Roadblock #5: I have to tell him, "I forgive you."
Many victims assume that they have to walk up to the criminal who has hurt them and say the words, "I forgive you," even if that person has never accepted responsibilty for his actions, apologized, changed his life, or offered restitution. This assumption hurts both victim and perpetrator.
When a victim tells her perpetrator, "I forgive you," without any forgiveness effort on his part, she sets herself up for further abuse. Many abusers see this pardon as a green light to resume the behaviors that must not have been all that bad. Otherwise, in their minds, the forgiveness would not have been forthcoming.
This type of pseudo-forgiveness hurts the perpetrator, too. It robs him of the opportunity to learn how to humble himself before God and the people he has hurt. It steals away the time he needs to figure out how to accept and give forgiveness.
The best way to handle an unrepentant enemy who has never truly accepted responsiblity for his actions or sincerely apologized for them is to say these words to God alone: "I release my enemy into your hands. I am willing to forgive him when he is ready. Please help him."
The words we may choose to say to our enemies from a distance, either by phone or letter, are these: "You have hurt me. I am willing to forgive you after you have learned what it takes to be forgiven. Until then, we cannot be in a relationship." Enough said. Hang up or sign the letter.
We can only change ourselves.
Third, when we release our enemies, we let go of our need to control the outcome. Instead of spending the rest of our lives focused on how our perpetrator needs to change, we can focus on changing ourselves. In the meantime, we get out of the way so that God can work on our enemy's heart.
We change ourselves by learning as much as we can about God's character, and then we imitate him to the best of our ability. We learn, as I have taught in this series, what it takes to humble ourselves before God and others to offer sincere apologies when we hurt people. We follow up our apologies with offers of restitution, and we try our best to learn a lesson so that we don't repeat the same mistakes.
By focusing on our own need for forgiveness, we let go of our preoccupation with our enemy's need for forgiveness. This frees us to go back and clean up the messes that were caused by the original abuse, such as our anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, vengefulness, pride, hatred, and depression.
We should show others how to forgive.
Fourth, we should share these newfound lessons about forgiveness with others. Now that you understand the truth about the forgiveness journey and how you can remove the roadblocks, I hope you'll begin to thrive! When you feel confident, I hope you'll teach the process to others by modeling appropriate forgiveness throughout your life.
I am at peace.
Somewhere along the way, God helped me to let go of the bitterness and anger that I felt toward the people who have deeply hurt me. When I began to pray that he would help me let go of them, my grip on the list of their faults began to loosen.
Today, I am at peace, because I realize that it is not my job to point out my enemies' faults to them. I am the last person they need to hear from regarding how badly they have failed at the forgiveness process. Some therapists advocate confronting abusers to tell them exactly how much they have hurt us. I disagree. God knows what they've done. We can tell him about our hurts and leave our enemies in his capable hands.
I continue to pray that my enemies will learn about the forgiveness process, because it brings such peace. I have released the people who have hurt me into God's hands, and I look forward to the outcomes he is able to bring about in their lives. Perhaps they will come to me someday to show me that they are sincerely sorry. If that happens, we will all rejoice together.
In the meantime, this search for a way to forgive my enemies has led me to the realization that I needed to be humbled. I am not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Holding onto the pain of my past was hurting me far more than it was helping my enemies to see the error of their ways.
Share your insights about forgiveness with me.
Thank you for taking this road trip with me. I value your feedback, so please post your comments here or send them to me at cheryldenton@rocketmail.com.
Join me next week as we begin my new series, Thriving In God's Garden.
Forgiveness is a long journey.
For a number of years, I have been working through this process of forgiving the people who have hurt me the most. I would like to thank my friends and readers who have offered their thoughts about this topic. You have all been extremely helpful. The following paragraphs contain my conclusions about how a survivor of abuse or trauma can remove the roadblocks to forgiveness and begin to thrive.
We are deeply wounded by abuse or trauma.
First, we must acknowledge that childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, and trauma all leave us with scars. When our perpetrators are finished with us, we may feel:
angry,
fearful,
mistrusting,
incompetent,
guilty,
vengeful,
prideful,
hateful, or
depressed.
Before we can forgive, we must face the truth about our past. If it was hurtful, we need to admit that to ourselves. Then, we need to ask God to comfort us.
Misunderstandings about forgiveness stand as roadblocks for us.
Second, we must realize that many misunderstandings about forgiveness stand in our way to achieving inner peace. These roadblocks to forgiveness include the following:
Roadblock #1: We must learn to get along with evil people.
Often, victims of childhood sexual abuse are told by their abusers that sexual activity between children and adults is good. Harming a child for self-gratification is never good. Actions such as these are always evil, but evil people may try to convince us that they are good.
When we fail to recognize the differences between good and evil, we get stranded on the side of the forgiveness road. The Bible tells us that good and evil cannot coexist. Therefore, we must separate ourselves from the people who continue to abuse us so that we can clearly understand the differences between good and evil.
By studying the Bible, talking with mature Christians, and praying for God to make us more like him, we can clear up this misunderstanding that we must learn to live with evil people. We can finally see that whatever opposes God's law or his character is evil. And whatever imitates him is good.
By learning to see God from a more balanced perspective, we can move forward on the road to forgiving by letting go of the people who are evil. In doing this, we learn without a doubt that our God is balanced, offering blessings to those who obey him and punishment for those who oppose him.
Roadblock #2: I am superior to my enemy.
As victims of serious crimes, we often see ourselves as superior to our perpetrators. This attitude always stands in our way of inner peace. As long as we think the entire problem lies with our enemy, we will remain stalled in our quest to forgive.
We must learn to see ourselves as God does, just as faulty on the inside as our enemies. If we are ever going to forgive them, we have to learn what the entire forgiveness process entails. The steps to forgiving mean that we:
-recognize that God's character defines all that is good,
-recognize that whatever opposes God's character is evil,
-admit that we have faults, just as our enemy does,
-humbly ask God to forgive our sins,
-accept God's grace and let go of all guilt,
-turn our life completely around so that we can imitate God better,
-ask others whom we have hurt for their forgiveness, and
-offer restitution to anyone we have hurt.
Roadblock #3: I have to restore the relationship with my enemy.
The biggest roadblock to forgiveness looms before us when we confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. To reconcile means that we put our differences aside and resume a relationship with someone who has hurt us.
Many people assume that if we forgive someone, we have to invite them back into our lives. This is not true. It is perfectly okay for us to remove ourselves permanently from the influence of someone who has hurt us or continues to hurt us. Even if the person who hurt us is a member of our own family, we do not have to invite them back into our lives.
Roadblock #4: I have to teach my enemy how to apologize.
So many victims believe that it is their duty to teach their enemies how to admit their sin, receive God's grace, and change their lives. As victims, we are the last people who should be doing this. We will only be seen as preachy hypocrites in our enemy's eyes. It is far better to pray for them from a distance, asking God to send others to change them. We can never force our enemies into changing so that we can forgive them.
Roadblock #5: I have to tell him, "I forgive you."
Many victims assume that they have to walk up to the criminal who has hurt them and say the words, "I forgive you," even if that person has never accepted responsibilty for his actions, apologized, changed his life, or offered restitution. This assumption hurts both victim and perpetrator.
When a victim tells her perpetrator, "I forgive you," without any forgiveness effort on his part, she sets herself up for further abuse. Many abusers see this pardon as a green light to resume the behaviors that must not have been all that bad. Otherwise, in their minds, the forgiveness would not have been forthcoming.
This type of pseudo-forgiveness hurts the perpetrator, too. It robs him of the opportunity to learn how to humble himself before God and the people he has hurt. It steals away the time he needs to figure out how to accept and give forgiveness.
The best way to handle an unrepentant enemy who has never truly accepted responsiblity for his actions or sincerely apologized for them is to say these words to God alone: "I release my enemy into your hands. I am willing to forgive him when he is ready. Please help him."
The words we may choose to say to our enemies from a distance, either by phone or letter, are these: "You have hurt me. I am willing to forgive you after you have learned what it takes to be forgiven. Until then, we cannot be in a relationship." Enough said. Hang up or sign the letter.
We can only change ourselves.
Third, when we release our enemies, we let go of our need to control the outcome. Instead of spending the rest of our lives focused on how our perpetrator needs to change, we can focus on changing ourselves. In the meantime, we get out of the way so that God can work on our enemy's heart.
We change ourselves by learning as much as we can about God's character, and then we imitate him to the best of our ability. We learn, as I have taught in this series, what it takes to humble ourselves before God and others to offer sincere apologies when we hurt people. We follow up our apologies with offers of restitution, and we try our best to learn a lesson so that we don't repeat the same mistakes.
By focusing on our own need for forgiveness, we let go of our preoccupation with our enemy's need for forgiveness. This frees us to go back and clean up the messes that were caused by the original abuse, such as our anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, vengefulness, pride, hatred, and depression.
We should show others how to forgive.
Fourth, we should share these newfound lessons about forgiveness with others. Now that you understand the truth about the forgiveness journey and how you can remove the roadblocks, I hope you'll begin to thrive! When you feel confident, I hope you'll teach the process to others by modeling appropriate forgiveness throughout your life.
I am at peace.
Somewhere along the way, God helped me to let go of the bitterness and anger that I felt toward the people who have deeply hurt me. When I began to pray that he would help me let go of them, my grip on the list of their faults began to loosen.
Today, I am at peace, because I realize that it is not my job to point out my enemies' faults to them. I am the last person they need to hear from regarding how badly they have failed at the forgiveness process. Some therapists advocate confronting abusers to tell them exactly how much they have hurt us. I disagree. God knows what they've done. We can tell him about our hurts and leave our enemies in his capable hands.
I continue to pray that my enemies will learn about the forgiveness process, because it brings such peace. I have released the people who have hurt me into God's hands, and I look forward to the outcomes he is able to bring about in their lives. Perhaps they will come to me someday to show me that they are sincerely sorry. If that happens, we will all rejoice together.
In the meantime, this search for a way to forgive my enemies has led me to the realization that I needed to be humbled. I am not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Holding onto the pain of my past was hurting me far more than it was helping my enemies to see the error of their ways.
Share your insights about forgiveness with me.
Thank you for taking this road trip with me. I value your feedback, so please post your comments here or send them to me at cheryldenton@rocketmail.com.
Join me next week as we begin my new series, Thriving In God's Garden.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Admit Your Faults
We continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Now that we have learned how to recognize both righteousness and sin, we move on today with a look into our own faults. Recognizing that we are not perfect takes us one step closer to forgiving our enemies who have abused or traumatized us.
Forgiveness is impossible without humility.
If we want to forgive someone, we cannot keep an attitude of pride or superiority toward them. If we approach forgiveness with our noses in the air, we either make our enemies defensive, or we make them feel insignificant. Neither outcome is pleasing to God, who calls us to love one another.
I Peter 5:5 (NIV) tells us, All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." We can see that our efforts to forgive will be opposed by God if we approach the process with prideful attitudes. Our efforts are backed up by God's grace is we approach forgiveness with humility.
Stop judging your enemy.
There is an old saying that whenever we point a finger at someone, there are three others pointing back at us. We cannot forgive if we are focused on our enemy's sins. Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV):
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
Beginning today, stop thinking about and clinging to all of the things that your enemy did to hurt you. Release these bitter thoughts to God and focus, instead, on the sweetness of his love for you.
Start examining yourself.
Lamentations 3:40 (NIV) reads, Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Before any of us can forgive, we must look deep within to examine the condition of our own hearts. We are all sinners, and those of us who have suffered abuse or trauma generally carry with us sins such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred.
I am not asking you to examine yourself to see if you have any sin. I'm asking you to look into your soul to see which sins need to be addressed. Through prayer, ask God to reveal your sins to you. Ask a trusted friend or your spouse what sins they see in you.
Admit your sins to God.
After you have identified which sins are hindering you from forgiving, admit them to God. He already knows what they are, but confessing them to him will relieve you of the burden of carrying them around.
Tell God that you have made a mess of your life and that you cannot manage it any longer. Ask him to lead you. Then pray that God will give you the good sense to follow him, rather than expecting him to act like a genie in a bottle whenever you need him to carry out a task for you. Remember, Christianity is about learning how to be a follower, not the leader. Leading is God's job, not ours.
Tell one other person about your sins.
We are not required to go to confession to have our sins forgiven. Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection gave us full access to him. However, I believe that telling someone whom we can trust about our faults gives us a great deal of leverage against sin. With an accountability partner knowing about our shortcomings, we have greater power through their prayers and encouragement.
Admitting our own faults is an important step in the forgiveness process. Why? Because we expect our enemies to admit their faults to us. And if we're going to come to an understanding of how difficult that can be for them, we must be willing to do it first.
I think about how hard it must have been for my father to carry around the secret of child molestation for so many years. Imagine how hard that would be. If just one child spoke out, his life would come tumbling down like a house of cards.
I am grateful that my dad finally confessed to the police about what he did to my daughter. It spared her from tremendous embarrassment and the stress involved with court appearances. More importantly, it set him on the road to forgiveness alongside us.
As we travel this journey, we are struggling to forgive someone who has deeply hurt us. It is important to remember that our enemies are struggling just as hard to let go of their sins. By admitting our own faults, we walk in their shoes. In doing so, we can begin to empathize with their battle.
Today's Challenge
Set aside some time for reflection and prayer. Ask God to reveal sins that you may not even be aware of in your quest to forgive. When they surface, write them down in your journal. Admit your sins to God and to one other trusted person. Write down how you think your enemy might be feeling about admitting his own faults. Begin to pray for him.
Forgiveness is impossible without humility.
If we want to forgive someone, we cannot keep an attitude of pride or superiority toward them. If we approach forgiveness with our noses in the air, we either make our enemies defensive, or we make them feel insignificant. Neither outcome is pleasing to God, who calls us to love one another.
I Peter 5:5 (NIV) tells us, All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." We can see that our efforts to forgive will be opposed by God if we approach the process with prideful attitudes. Our efforts are backed up by God's grace is we approach forgiveness with humility.
Stop judging your enemy.
There is an old saying that whenever we point a finger at someone, there are three others pointing back at us. We cannot forgive if we are focused on our enemy's sins. Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV):
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
Beginning today, stop thinking about and clinging to all of the things that your enemy did to hurt you. Release these bitter thoughts to God and focus, instead, on the sweetness of his love for you.
Start examining yourself.
Lamentations 3:40 (NIV) reads, Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Before any of us can forgive, we must look deep within to examine the condition of our own hearts. We are all sinners, and those of us who have suffered abuse or trauma generally carry with us sins such as anger, revenge, pride, and hatred.
I am not asking you to examine yourself to see if you have any sin. I'm asking you to look into your soul to see which sins need to be addressed. Through prayer, ask God to reveal your sins to you. Ask a trusted friend or your spouse what sins they see in you.
Admit your sins to God.
After you have identified which sins are hindering you from forgiving, admit them to God. He already knows what they are, but confessing them to him will relieve you of the burden of carrying them around.
Tell God that you have made a mess of your life and that you cannot manage it any longer. Ask him to lead you. Then pray that God will give you the good sense to follow him, rather than expecting him to act like a genie in a bottle whenever you need him to carry out a task for you. Remember, Christianity is about learning how to be a follower, not the leader. Leading is God's job, not ours.
Tell one other person about your sins.
We are not required to go to confession to have our sins forgiven. Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection gave us full access to him. However, I believe that telling someone whom we can trust about our faults gives us a great deal of leverage against sin. With an accountability partner knowing about our shortcomings, we have greater power through their prayers and encouragement.
Admitting our own faults is an important step in the forgiveness process. Why? Because we expect our enemies to admit their faults to us. And if we're going to come to an understanding of how difficult that can be for them, we must be willing to do it first.
I think about how hard it must have been for my father to carry around the secret of child molestation for so many years. Imagine how hard that would be. If just one child spoke out, his life would come tumbling down like a house of cards.
I am grateful that my dad finally confessed to the police about what he did to my daughter. It spared her from tremendous embarrassment and the stress involved with court appearances. More importantly, it set him on the road to forgiveness alongside us.
As we travel this journey, we are struggling to forgive someone who has deeply hurt us. It is important to remember that our enemies are struggling just as hard to let go of their sins. By admitting our own faults, we walk in their shoes. In doing so, we can begin to empathize with their battle.
Today's Challenge
Set aside some time for reflection and prayer. Ask God to reveal sins that you may not even be aware of in your quest to forgive. When they surface, write them down in your journal. Admit your sins to God and to one other trusted person. Write down how you think your enemy might be feeling about admitting his own faults. Begin to pray for him.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Letting Go of Vengeful Thinking
Yesterday, we learned that childhood sexual abuse creates anger within us. When that anger remains unexpressed, it can often evolve into fantasies of revenge. At times, it bubbles over as passive-aggressive behavior. Today, we learn how to let go of our vengeful thoughts so that we can move forward in our journey toward forgiveness. Revenge is the sixth roadblock in my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.
Vengeful thoughts keep us in a state of ill health and inner turmoil.
Vengeful thinking stems from repressed anger. If you think back to last week's lesson on anger, you'll recall that it's not healthy to hang onto anger. It causes increases in our blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol levels, and cholesterol readings.
In addition to the physical harm we cause ourselves by remaining bitter, we also create one of the biggest roadblocks to forgiveness. When we think about revenge, we stay hyper-focused on our angry thoughts. Not only does this block us from forgiving, but it also prevents us from living with the type of internal peace that we must have to feel emotionally healthy.
Letting go of bitterness opens the door to healing.
If we think of forgiveness as something that we can only give away, we are missing half of the concept. We forgive, because it is a gift we can give ourselves. When we let go of our bitterness and thoughts of revenge, we free ourselves to begin a new life of inner calm.
Without thoughts of revenge, we can grow spiritually, find emotional renewal, express the truth, and regain our self-respect. This sounds wonderful, but perhaps you're wondering how to find this elusive place in your mind. The process may take a long time, but I found that the following three steps were helpful to me.
1) Acknowledge that you're angry.
Joe and I took a vacation a few years ago to a remote cabin in northern Michigan. The place was devoid of televisions, computers, phones, radios, and people. We thought it was going to be great, but there was one problem: I packed anger in my bags without even realizing it. And it was coming out in passive-aggression toward my innocent husband. I realized that when we remove all of the busy-ness of our lives, we find the junk that we've been carrying around all of our lives.
2) Get it out and get on with your life.
During this getaway, I was biting poor Joe's head off. He looked so miserable, I decided that I'd better figure out what was bothering me. I wandered out of the cabin on a drizzly day and sat by the sodden fire pit. I asked God to reveal to me why I felt so enraged.
It didn't take long for the answer to come: my mother had neglected my needs all of my life, and whenever we took family vacations, I felt even greater isolation. Our little getaway was triggering memories of my mother's drinking and oblivion to my needs to play and explore our vacation spots.
A therapist had once told me to find objects that I could label with my unmet needs and anger. I decided to pick up small twigs that had fallen from the pine trees. After I had gathered a hefty pile of twigs, I found a hatchet. As instructed earlier in counseling, I named each twig and then gave it a whack. "This is for never reading me a bedtime story." Whack. "This is for calling me worse than yesterday's trash." Whack. And so it continued, until I had named every reason for being angry with my mother. It took quite a while, but when I was done, I felt drained.
3) Let go and let God.
I sat there, staring at my pile of twigs. I hated the way my anger made me feel, and I didn't want to haul it around during my entire vacation. It was time to let it go.
A light mist continued falling, and the odds of lighting a fire were slim to none. But I knew that I had to fully destroy this anger before it destroyed me. With a large box of matches, I worked and worked to set that bunch of anger on fire. When it caught at last, I sat back and watched the blue smoke curling heavenward. "Take it God," I said. "I don't want to live with it anymore."
As I watched the smoke rising, I felt incredible release. I felt God's presence in a way that I never had before. Suddenly, I understood the pain he felt over my abuse, as well as the sorrow he felt over my refusal to give it to him. I felt comforted and completely at peace.
Romans 8:6 (NIV) tells us, The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Holding onto revenge will lead us to an early death, and perhaps even spiritual death. Letting go and giving our anger to God allows his Spirit to fill us with life-giving peace.
Letting go is just the beginning of forgiving.
Please note that this process did not yet involve my forgiving my mother. I am still working on that, and I'm sure it is going to take time. I merely let go of the anger, the vengeful thoughts, and the bitterness that had been consuming me most of my life.
When we let go of vengeful thinking and the anger that causes it, we find a new inner peace. Nothing changes for the person who has hurt us, because this process is something we do for ourselves. Down the road, there may be time for healing in our perpetrator's heart when he is ready for it. For now, we simply love ourselves enough to give our anger and vengeful thoughts to God.
Today's Challenge
Find some destructible objects that you can name with the vengeful thoughts and anger you feel toward someone who has hurt you. These might be twigs, balloons, clay pigeons, old china plates, and so on. You can name your revenge verbally or write your angry thoughts on your destructible objects. Find a way to destroy them that brings you physical release, such as stomping hard on balloons or hurling plates into a garbage can. Just make sure that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else in the process. When you are finished destroying all of your anger, tell God that it's his mess now. Spend a few minutes savoring the peace that follows. Write in your journal how you feel. This post is an excerpt from the book, The Road to Forgiveness: Removing the Roadblocks. To purchase your e-book version, please visit the author's Smashwords page.
Vengeful thoughts keep us in a state of ill health and inner turmoil.
Vengeful thinking stems from repressed anger. If you think back to last week's lesson on anger, you'll recall that it's not healthy to hang onto anger. It causes increases in our blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol levels, and cholesterol readings.
In addition to the physical harm we cause ourselves by remaining bitter, we also create one of the biggest roadblocks to forgiveness. When we think about revenge, we stay hyper-focused on our angry thoughts. Not only does this block us from forgiving, but it also prevents us from living with the type of internal peace that we must have to feel emotionally healthy.
Letting go of bitterness opens the door to healing.
If we think of forgiveness as something that we can only give away, we are missing half of the concept. We forgive, because it is a gift we can give ourselves. When we let go of our bitterness and thoughts of revenge, we free ourselves to begin a new life of inner calm.
Without thoughts of revenge, we can grow spiritually, find emotional renewal, express the truth, and regain our self-respect. This sounds wonderful, but perhaps you're wondering how to find this elusive place in your mind. The process may take a long time, but I found that the following three steps were helpful to me.
1) Acknowledge that you're angry.
Joe and I took a vacation a few years ago to a remote cabin in northern Michigan. The place was devoid of televisions, computers, phones, radios, and people. We thought it was going to be great, but there was one problem: I packed anger in my bags without even realizing it. And it was coming out in passive-aggression toward my innocent husband. I realized that when we remove all of the busy-ness of our lives, we find the junk that we've been carrying around all of our lives.
2) Get it out and get on with your life.
During this getaway, I was biting poor Joe's head off. He looked so miserable, I decided that I'd better figure out what was bothering me. I wandered out of the cabin on a drizzly day and sat by the sodden fire pit. I asked God to reveal to me why I felt so enraged.
It didn't take long for the answer to come: my mother had neglected my needs all of my life, and whenever we took family vacations, I felt even greater isolation. Our little getaway was triggering memories of my mother's drinking and oblivion to my needs to play and explore our vacation spots.
A therapist had once told me to find objects that I could label with my unmet needs and anger. I decided to pick up small twigs that had fallen from the pine trees. After I had gathered a hefty pile of twigs, I found a hatchet. As instructed earlier in counseling, I named each twig and then gave it a whack. "This is for never reading me a bedtime story." Whack. "This is for calling me worse than yesterday's trash." Whack. And so it continued, until I had named every reason for being angry with my mother. It took quite a while, but when I was done, I felt drained.
3) Let go and let God.
I sat there, staring at my pile of twigs. I hated the way my anger made me feel, and I didn't want to haul it around during my entire vacation. It was time to let it go.
A light mist continued falling, and the odds of lighting a fire were slim to none. But I knew that I had to fully destroy this anger before it destroyed me. With a large box of matches, I worked and worked to set that bunch of anger on fire. When it caught at last, I sat back and watched the blue smoke curling heavenward. "Take it God," I said. "I don't want to live with it anymore."
As I watched the smoke rising, I felt incredible release. I felt God's presence in a way that I never had before. Suddenly, I understood the pain he felt over my abuse, as well as the sorrow he felt over my refusal to give it to him. I felt comforted and completely at peace.
Romans 8:6 (NIV) tells us, The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Holding onto revenge will lead us to an early death, and perhaps even spiritual death. Letting go and giving our anger to God allows his Spirit to fill us with life-giving peace.
Letting go is just the beginning of forgiving.
Please note that this process did not yet involve my forgiving my mother. I am still working on that, and I'm sure it is going to take time. I merely let go of the anger, the vengeful thoughts, and the bitterness that had been consuming me most of my life.
When we let go of vengeful thinking and the anger that causes it, we find a new inner peace. Nothing changes for the person who has hurt us, because this process is something we do for ourselves. Down the road, there may be time for healing in our perpetrator's heart when he is ready for it. For now, we simply love ourselves enough to give our anger and vengeful thoughts to God.
Today's Challenge
Find some destructible objects that you can name with the vengeful thoughts and anger you feel toward someone who has hurt you. These might be twigs, balloons, clay pigeons, old china plates, and so on. You can name your revenge verbally or write your angry thoughts on your destructible objects. Find a way to destroy them that brings you physical release, such as stomping hard on balloons or hurling plates into a garbage can. Just make sure that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else in the process. When you are finished destroying all of your anger, tell God that it's his mess now. Spend a few minutes savoring the peace that follows. Write in your journal how you feel. This post is an excerpt from the book, The Road to Forgiveness: Removing the Roadblocks. To purchase your e-book version, please visit the author's Smashwords page.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Concealed Anger Leads to Revenge
We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. So far, we've identified ways to overcome anger, fear, trust, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt. This lesson focuses on why revenge prevents us from forgiving.
Is it normal to think about revenge?
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma, we often find ourselves thinking about revenge. We consider ourselves to be normal, decent people. So why do we lie awake at night, hatching up plots to get even with the person who hurt us do deeply?
Robert Bulwer-Lytton wrote, "Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge." This quote perfectly summarizes the source of our thoughts about revenge: unexpressed anger.
I wrote the biography of Charlie Osburn, a Christian evangelist, whose two children were molested by his next-door neighbor. For a long time, Charlie told me that he paced the floors at night, trying to figure out how to kill the man who had stolen his children's innocence.
As an abused spouse in my first marriage, I could never express my anger. As a result, I daydreamed about my husband crashing into a tree, driving over a cliff, or drowning. I once dreamed that I had murdered him, and my greatest concern was how I was going to keep the cops from finding the body that I had buried under the hardwood floor of our front entry.
When someone wounds us as deeply as sexual predators do, we all think of revenge. The longer the abuse continues, the more bizarre our daydreams and nightmares become. We know this is unhealthy and immoral, but we can't seem to stop the thoughts.
Vengeful thoughts may spill over as passive-aggressive acts.
If we are dreaming at night about seeking revenge, we may find ourselves acting out in unexpected ways during the day. Many sexual abuse survivors become passive-aggressive. In other words, people who seem to be meek (passive) lash out in surprising, but subtle ways. Often, their target is not their abuser.
One of my sons provided a classic example of passive aggression as he was growing up. He was angry with his father for criticizing him so harshly, but he did not feel safe in expressing himself. As a result, this usually sweet-mannered boy scribbled on brand-new carpeting with a permanent marker and chiseled the sides of his furniture with the sharp edges of toys.
When unexpressed anger carries over into adulthood, suvivors become passive-aggressive people who surprise us with their actions. Sadly, we are reading about more and more incidents of teens shooting others at their schools, of employees 'going postal,' and of drivers exhibiting road rage.
What does God want us to do with our vengeful thoughts?
The Bible tells us, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. (Romans 12:17-19 NIV)
We learned in a previous lesson that it is much better to allow our justice system to carry out any punishment that our perpetrators deserve. When we step back and allow room for God's wrath, we may discover that his punishment provides us with far more satisfaction than our own clumsy attempts at justice.
Tomorrow, we'll learn some simple techniques for working beyond our vengeful thoughts. For now, just recognize that these thoughts exist in the minds of most survivors, and understand that both revenge and passive-aggressive behavior begin with unexpressed anger.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and write down the names of people that you consider your enemies. Beside each name, write out why you are angry. Then, write down any vengeful action that you have thought about taking. Circle any action that you have actually carried out.
Is it normal to think about revenge?
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma, we often find ourselves thinking about revenge. We consider ourselves to be normal, decent people. So why do we lie awake at night, hatching up plots to get even with the person who hurt us do deeply?
Robert Bulwer-Lytton wrote, "Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge." This quote perfectly summarizes the source of our thoughts about revenge: unexpressed anger.
I wrote the biography of Charlie Osburn, a Christian evangelist, whose two children were molested by his next-door neighbor. For a long time, Charlie told me that he paced the floors at night, trying to figure out how to kill the man who had stolen his children's innocence.
As an abused spouse in my first marriage, I could never express my anger. As a result, I daydreamed about my husband crashing into a tree, driving over a cliff, or drowning. I once dreamed that I had murdered him, and my greatest concern was how I was going to keep the cops from finding the body that I had buried under the hardwood floor of our front entry.
When someone wounds us as deeply as sexual predators do, we all think of revenge. The longer the abuse continues, the more bizarre our daydreams and nightmares become. We know this is unhealthy and immoral, but we can't seem to stop the thoughts.
Vengeful thoughts may spill over as passive-aggressive acts.
If we are dreaming at night about seeking revenge, we may find ourselves acting out in unexpected ways during the day. Many sexual abuse survivors become passive-aggressive. In other words, people who seem to be meek (passive) lash out in surprising, but subtle ways. Often, their target is not their abuser.
One of my sons provided a classic example of passive aggression as he was growing up. He was angry with his father for criticizing him so harshly, but he did not feel safe in expressing himself. As a result, this usually sweet-mannered boy scribbled on brand-new carpeting with a permanent marker and chiseled the sides of his furniture with the sharp edges of toys.
When unexpressed anger carries over into adulthood, suvivors become passive-aggressive people who surprise us with their actions. Sadly, we are reading about more and more incidents of teens shooting others at their schools, of employees 'going postal,' and of drivers exhibiting road rage.
What does God want us to do with our vengeful thoughts?
The Bible tells us, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. (Romans 12:17-19 NIV)
We learned in a previous lesson that it is much better to allow our justice system to carry out any punishment that our perpetrators deserve. When we step back and allow room for God's wrath, we may discover that his punishment provides us with far more satisfaction than our own clumsy attempts at justice.
Tomorrow, we'll learn some simple techniques for working beyond our vengeful thoughts. For now, just recognize that these thoughts exist in the minds of most survivors, and understand that both revenge and passive-aggressive behavior begin with unexpressed anger.
Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and write down the names of people that you consider your enemies. Beside each name, write out why you are angry. Then, write down any vengeful action that you have thought about taking. Circle any action that you have actually carried out.
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