Do You Love God?

In our current series, Thriving in God's Garden, we are focusing on the topic of love this week. Yesterday, we took time to think about the depth of God's love for us. Today, I would like to reflect upon what we are doing with that love.

Love is a two-step process.
When God sends love our way, it's the beginning of a process. Until we accept his love and return it to him, the process is incomplete. Think of someone serving a tennis ball to us, which we just stand and watch without even attempting to hit it back. We aren't in the game until we return the love that God volleys our way.

If God's love is so wonderful, why are so many of us standing with our arms dangling at our sides, watching it pass us by?

True Love versus Love Myths
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we frequently confuse our need for God's love with our need for reassurance and safety. We have been lied to about what love is through the perverse actions of people who were supposed to love and nurture us.

If the abuse doesn't leave us confused about love, we are further bombarded with fairy tales about handsome princes when we're little. As we grow up, chick flicks send us the mythical message that we'll be happy if we find the perfect husband.

Without a clear understanding of God's love, we may blunder into unhealthy relationships and marriages. When we don't find the mythical love that we thought was ours for the taking, we blunder back out of those relationships through divorce. And if we don't take the time to understand God's true love along the way, we may blunder through numerous marriages and divorces.

So, if mythical love is all wrong, how do we find our way to the true love that only God can offer us?

Godly men set great examples.
A healthy earthly father exhibits the fruit of the Spirit, as we learned yesterday. He is loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. If he is walking with God, he reflects God's character. Does this describe your father?

If you did not grow up with this type of father, I hope that God sent other men throughout your childhood to model these character traits for you. God sent me a neighbor, a cousin, a teacher, and a bus driver who were all excellent examples of the way a father should love his children.

So many single mothers worry that their boys need a good male role model around. But I believe it's just as important for girls to have a godly man in their lives, because it helps them to learn how to accept God's love throughout their lives. It also teaches them what to look for in a mate.

How much do you love God?
Today, I would like you to think about how much you love God. This can be a really difficult concept for people who have been abused by their fathers or other men in their families. Sexual predators made it really tough for us to love or respect God, our heavenly Father.

For years, I struggled with this concept of returning God's love. I knew that he loved me, but I could never seem to connect with him in a way that felt as if we were in a relationship.

And then I began watching movies which Joe brought home: Matthew and The Gospel of John , both produced by a company known as The Visual Bible. They are word-for-word portrayals of the Bible's descriptions of Jesus' life here on earth. They show clearly how much Jesus loves us.

In Matthew 22:37 (NIV), Jesus told his disciples, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'" As I watched Jesus loving his disciples, and the disciples crying over him during the crucifixion, I recognized for the first time what it would feel like to be in a love relationship with God. It moved me to tears.

Today, if you visit my house, you may find one of these movies playing in the background as I sew, clean, or cook. The Gospel messages serve as constant reminders that God offers the only true love there is. And they help me remember that it's safe and reassuring if I return that love to him.

How do we love God?
We can return God's love by praying to him, singing to him, standing in his presence, entering into a place of silence with him, listening to his voice, and appreciating his Word. In response to his love, we may shout, dance, clap, or laugh. His love may inspire us to write poetry, compose music, paint pictures, or create beautiful things that reflect that love.

We don't have to wait until we're in church to show God how much we love him. Imagine how awful we'd feel if we could only express love to others for one hour each week. We can love God all day long every day.

Today's Challenge
You may love your spouse, your kids, your cat, or even your possessions. But how much do you love God? Take time today to think about this, and if you're struggling with this concept, read the Gospel of John or watch The Visual Bible movies. Afterward, write in your journal about how God's Word changed the way you express love to God.

The Fruit of the Spirit

Today, we begin a new series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study is based on the fruit of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22 (NIV):

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

In my previous series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, we discovered that abuse or trauma can leave us feeling angry, fearful, mistrusting, guilty, vengeful, prideful, hateful, or depressed. It destroys our self-esteem. If we take away these things from our spirits, we must replace them with something better.

What better place to begin than learning how to grow the fruit of the Spirit in our own souls? Removing old, useless feelings and replacing them with positive thoughts and actions helps us to grow spiritually, emotionally, and socially. And I believe that when we are balanced in these three ways, our physical health improves, too.

Today's Challenge
Write Galatians 5:22 on something that you will be sure to see every day. I would like you to commit it to memory so that when you feel yourself slipping back into old patterns, you can use this verse to re-focus. Be creative with where you write it. When I decided to memorize it, I wrote it on a saw horse that I was using while building a garden project. Within a week, I had it memorized.

Love One Another

As we continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, we are learning about God's moral attributes that he shares with us. These include: goodness, love, mercy, grace, patience, holiness, peace, justice, protection, and hate for sin. Yesterday, we learned about God's goodness. Today, we look into God's love.

God's love means that God gives eternally of himself to others.
We need to understand that God's love is always given for the benefit of others. It is part of his nature, and his love brings about blessings for others.

God's love existed before the world was created, it is here now, and it will continue into eternity. Jesus prayed to God, "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." (John 17:24 NIV)

God is himself love defined.
When we think of love, we usually come up with visions of roses, Valentine's Day cards, weddings, and other symbols of romantic feelings between men and women. This is a special type of love known in Greek as eros, which God designed for erotic attraction between the sexes.

There are two other types of love that we can find in Greek translations of the Bible. Agape is the highest and purest kind of love. It is divine love and is used to express the essential nature of God. Phileo is distinguished as brotherly love. This is seen in the naming of the city of Philadelphia, which means "the city of brotherly love."

Webster's Dictionary defines love as: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another, as (1) the fatherly concern of God for humankind (agape); (2) brotherly concern for others (phileo); and (3) a person's adoration of God (also phileo).

We can find a very simple definition of what it means to love in I John 4:7 (NIV): Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit love one another.
We know from references in Scripture that God the Father and God the Son love one another. Even though there are no specific verses indicating that they also love the Spirit, it is implied.

When Jesus was baptized in the Jordan, God's voice came from heaven to say, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." (Matthew 3:17 NIV) Jesus said to his disciples, "But the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me." (John 14:31 NIV)

This pure love between the Father, Son, and Spirit makes heaven a joyful place, because each person seeks to bring happiness to the other two. When we learn to love one another as the persons of the Trinity do, we find joy and happiness, too.

God always loves us, in spite of our sinful nature.
Unlike our romantic (eros) love that may come and go for others as we seek our mates, God's love is eternal and unconditional. In other words, he loves us forever, no matter how nicely or badly we behave.

The apostle Paul wrote, But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8 NIV) Paul also wrote, For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)

God commands us to love him and others, because it brings him joy.
We are commanded to love God first and foremost above all other people or things. In Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV) Jesus tells us, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

When we love our neighbors, it actually brings joy to God's heart. Isaiah told God's people, "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zeph. 3:17 NIV)

By imitating God's love, we can love other believers.
When we are filled with God's love, it enables us to love other believers. The apostle John wrote, "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (I John 4:11 NIV)

When we love others, the rest of the world recognizes us for this God-like attribute. Jesus explained this when he said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:3435 NIV)

God gives us his love to enable us to love our enemies.
If we want to forgive someone who has hurt us as deeply as abusers do, we must learn to tap into God's love. Without it, we will find it impossible to forgive.

Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." (Matthew 5:43-44 NIV)

Remember, loving our enemies as God loves us means that we feel loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. It can be extremely difficult for us, if not impossible, to feel any concern for a child molester. How can we pray for the good of someone who has stolen our innocence, our sense of trust in mankind, and our very souls?

The answer is that we can't love or forgive if we limit ourselves to the love we have as human beings...to phileo love. But when we tap into God's agape love, we can do the impossible. Yes, we can even find a way to love our enemies.

Learning to love takes time.
Loving an enemy is not an easy task, nor does it happen overnight. It is very difficult at this time for my family or me to feel loyal and benevolent concern for our mother's good. After she abused us all for fifty years and then refused to help anyone other than my father through the recent hearing for his criminal conduct, no one in the family feels called to reach out to her.

Sometimes, stepping back from our enemy doesn't feel like the most loving thing to do. But we have learned by experience that trying to help our mother usually comes back to sting us with further verbal abuse. At this point, we believe it is safest for us to pray for her from a distance, with the hope that she will eventually experience God's love as we do and learn how to express it to others.

Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down the differences between the love you feel for God, for your spouse, and for your neighbors. Think about your enemy and write down how much love you feel for him. Ask God to fill you with his pure love so that you can eventually find the brotherly love you need to forgive.

Concealed Anger Leads to Revenge

We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. So far, we've identified ways to overcome anger, fear, trust, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt. This lesson focuses on why revenge prevents us from forgiving.

Is it normal to think about revenge?
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma, we often find ourselves thinking about revenge. We consider ourselves to be normal, decent people. So why do we lie awake at night, hatching up plots to get even with the person who hurt us do deeply?

Robert Bulwer-Lytton wrote, "Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge." This quote perfectly summarizes the source of our thoughts about revenge: unexpressed anger.

I wrote the biography of Charlie Osburn, a Christian evangelist, whose two children were molested by his next-door neighbor. For a long time, Charlie told me that he paced the floors at night, trying to figure out how to kill the man who had stolen his children's innocence.

As an abused spouse in my first marriage, I could never express my anger. As a result, I daydreamed about my husband crashing into a tree, driving over a cliff, or drowning. I once dreamed that I had murdered him, and my greatest concern was how I was going to keep the cops from finding the body that I had buried under the hardwood floor of our front entry.

When someone wounds us as deeply as sexual predators do, we all think of revenge. The longer the abuse continues, the more bizarre our daydreams and nightmares become. We know this is unhealthy and immoral, but we can't seem to stop the thoughts.

Vengeful thoughts may spill over as passive-aggressive acts.
If we are dreaming at night about seeking revenge, we may find ourselves acting out in unexpected ways during the day. Many sexual abuse survivors become passive-aggressive. In other words, people who seem to be meek (passive) lash out in surprising, but subtle ways. Often, their target is not their abuser.

One of my sons provided a classic example of passive aggression as he was growing up. He was angry with his father for criticizing him so harshly, but he did not feel safe in expressing himself. As a result, this usually sweet-mannered boy scribbled on brand-new carpeting with a permanent marker and chiseled the sides of his furniture with the sharp edges of toys.

When unexpressed anger carries over into adulthood, suvivors become passive-aggressive people who surprise us with their actions. Sadly, we are reading about more and more incidents of teens shooting others at their schools, of employees 'going postal,' and of drivers exhibiting road rage.

What does God want us to do with our vengeful thoughts?
The Bible tells us, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. (Romans 12:17-19 NIV)

We learned in a previous lesson that it is much better to allow our justice system to carry out any punishment that our perpetrators deserve. When we step back and allow room for God's wrath, we may discover that his punishment provides us with far more satisfaction than our own clumsy attempts at justice.

Tomorrow, we'll learn some simple techniques for working beyond our vengeful thoughts. For now, just recognize that these thoughts exist in the minds of most survivors, and understand that both revenge and passive-aggressive behavior begin with unexpressed anger.

Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and write down the names of people that you consider your enemies. Beside each name, write out why you are angry. Then, write down any vengeful action that you have thought about taking. Circle any action that you have actually carried out.