It's hard to believe that we have arrived at the last day of my nine-week series on the fruit of the Spirit, Thriving in God's Garden. We conclude with a look at learning better self-control over our emotions.
Are your emotions controlling you?
Proverbs 14:30 (MSG) tells us, A sound mind makes for a robust body, but runaway emotions corrode the bones. In other words, if we allow our emotions to control us, they will affect every aspect of our lives, including our health.
Are your emotions controlling you? Does depression prevent you from enjoying activities with your mate and family? Is anxiety robbing you of the joys most people experience? Read on to discover how to turn off these negative emotions and tap into the joy God desires for all of us.
Abuse and trauma make us pessimistic.
Negative emotions, such as fear, anxiety, anger, depression, and hopelessness can take over our minds if we are not careful. As survivors of childhood abuse or trauma, we have learned these negative feelings as a result of our pain.
Abuse or trauma causes our brains to instantly respond negatively to everything we encounter, because we have been programmed to expect the worst. By anticipating the worst, we were empowered during the abuse or trauma to survive. This survival instinct is not necessary in everyday life where abuse and trauma are no longer present, but many of us never figure out how to lose our negativity and become like normal people again.
Trauma changes our perceptions.
Joe often teases me, because he says I can look at any situation and see the worst possible outcome. This is very true, and it has served me well as a mystery/suspense author. My twisted view of people allows me to create sociopaths in my novels who find inventive ways to torment and kill others.
But the down side of such a pessimistic outlook is that it can create anxiety and depression if I'm not careful. I must constantly reframe every reaction I have and put a positive spin on it.
Let me give you an example. If someone announces that they're adopting a child, my immediate thought process goes something like this: They're fools. The adoption agency has lied to them about the kid's mental and physical state. They're going to wind up with more trouble than the kid will be worth.
This jaded view of adoption evolved within my mind after Joe and I adopted eight-year-old twins from Ethiopia. They had disrupted a previous adoption, and we were told by the adoption agency that they were very normal little girls who had simply been placed in the wrong home.
It became apparent within just a few weeks that these two broken little souls were beyond repair. We spent all of our free time for nearly two years in hospitals and psychologists' offices, trying to figure out how to cope. My life became a waking nightmare, as each of the twins tried to commit suicide in order to escape the love of our family. In the end, we had to place them in a group home for children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD).
Our issues with the twins represent a very tiny percentage of adoption outcomes. But the experience was so traumatic that it left me with a warped perception of what adoption generally means to people.
We must control our emotions.
I must constantly reframe my emotions from the negative to the positive. My knee-jerk reaction to news of an adoption is always negative. But, I have learned through cognitive restructuring to tell myself that not all adoptions end badly.
I remind myself to look for the positives in the situation, such as the joy of parenting when it has been impossible, and the comfort of having parents forever. By taking control of what I am thinking and replacing negative reactions with a more positive outlook, I can find joy in situations that used to cause nothing but despair.
Look to God for hope.
The best cure for negative emotions that I have found is the Bible. God makes promises in every chapter to love us, provide for us, and guide us. But it's hard to believe such encouraging news if we don't read it for ourselves on a regular basis.
My favorite chapter is Psalm 91. Whenever my emotions are out of control, and anxiety or depression are fogging my mind, I look to these words of comfort. God promises to protect me from disease and my enemies. He assures me that his angels will always guard me. No matter how much trouble I encounter, God will always be there to bless me with long life and the promise of eternity in heaven with him.
Who could possibly remain under the control of willy-nilly emotions after reading something so comforting? There is power in God's Word...power to overcome the negative emotions that threaten to steal our joy...power to uplift our spirits and leave us feeling confident that life is good.
Coming next
Thank you for joining me for the past nine weeks. We will begin a new series on Tuesday about overcoming our fears and growing more confident. It is titled, Confident in God's Hands.
Today's Challenge
Are you a pessimist or an optimist? If your emotions are wreaking havoc on your life, take control of your thoughts today. Stop yourself when negative thoughts creep in. Ask yourself where they originated, and then replace them with more logical thinking. Read God's Word daily to remind yourself of the blessings that await you.
Showing posts with label fruit of the Spirit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fruit of the Spirit. Show all posts
Friday, May 27, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Control Your Appetite
We are learning about self-control this week in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. This is a study of the fruit of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22. Today, I would like to talk about appetite control.
You are what you eat.
This catchy slogan came out years ago, and I think it's very appropriate. When we eat nutrient-dense foods that are organic and fresh, we feel energized. In contrast, when we eat dead foods that are full of chemicals, we feel sluggish and can't think straight.
It is relatively easy for me to exercise self-control in my diet, because the consequences of eating improperly are immediate and painful. I am so allergic to some foods that I experience bizarre symptoms within minutes of ingesting them, such as temporary hearing loss, muscle weakness, or even paralysis.
Most people do not have such a great built-in self-control system. It is difficult for them to watch what they eat, because food provides them with pleasure, comfort, or relief from boredom or stress. I understand the challenge of over-eating, because I did not have these health issues when I was younger.
Dieting is not a lifestyle.
Most overweight people believe that diets work. They do not. The word diet makes us envision a time of self-denial, after which, we will go back to our normal eating routines.
The trouble with this mindset is that it simply creates a yo-yo effect. We diet, we lose weight, we go back to our old habits of eating, we gain the weight back (and then some), and the cycle begins again. What we need is a lifestyle change, not a diet.
Instead of thinking of temporary dieting breaks from our usual eating habits, we must consider a change in lifestyle. This means learning as much as we can about how food affects our health, and then making up our minds to eat only what produces better health.
Our country is experiencing an epidemic of health issues, such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and cancer. Joe sees people dying every day from these illnesses, and they aren't always elderly. In fact, it is shocking to see how many people in their 30s and 40s are dying from easily preventable diseases. If we understand that our diet is hurting us, we will be better motivated to make lasting changes.
Start with prayer.
I could not figure out for decades why food made me feel so awful. I began praying that God would provide answers. He immediately led me to this Bible verse: When you sit down to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. (Prov 23:1-2 NIV)
Immediately, I became aware of the fact that God views overeating as something so wrong, it would be better for me to slit my throat than to stuff my face. This verse also showed me the importance of noting what I eat.
Find an accountability partner.
If we want to develop any self-control, we must find ourselves an accountability partner. When trying to change our eating habits, or any other habit, this is a critical step to achieving success. An accountability partner can keep us on track and provide a sounding board when we are struggling.
I found it helpful when I was overweight to attend Weight Watchers meetings. They taught me the importance of combining exercise with a sensible diet, and I reached my weight-loss goal with the leaders' help.
Get a thorough check-up with a qualified physician.
Many people starve themselves, exercise, and keep a record of everything they eat; and they still don't lose weight. When I turned 50, this described me. No matter how little I ate or how much I exercised, I just kept gaining weight. Getting a check-up with a physician who specializes in metabolic disorders is vital if this describes you.
When I took the time to consult with a metabolic specialist, I finally figured out what was wrong. My thyroid function was low, but my primary care phyisican had not been able to detect the problem with the standard blood tests. The metabolic specialist knew how to look for a number of underlying issues that most doctors miss. Within weeks of taking a natural thyroid replacement, I began losing weight.
You see, our bodies run like clockwork if our naturally-occurring chemicals are in balance. However, if the adrenal glands, thyroid, pituitary glands, or sex hormones are out of whack, we can gain weight. No amount of self-control will be effective if our chemistry is off.
Hire a dietician who understands metabolism.
We have all spent good money on diet pills, health club memberships, and exercise equipment. But I think the best money spent is to hire a dietician who works under the direction of a metabolic specialist.
I visited with a dietician twice, and it was the best money I have ever spent. I figured out that even the healthy foods I was eating created cravings for more. The dietician taught me how to eat properly to reduce food cravings.
I can't emphasize enough how important this step is. If our bodies are receiving the proper foods at the right times of day, we will not have to worry about self-control! The cravings disappear.
One of the finest metabolic specialists in the United States works right here in Cincinnati, Ohio. Dr. James LaValle created the LaValle Metabolic Institute to help people far and wide with their weight problems. You can contact the Institute at www.lmihealth.com.
Get moving!
One of the most important components of appetite control is exercise. If we are moving, our bodies are circulating important natural chemicals more efficiently. Our mood gets elevated, and we have more energy.
Exercise doesn't have to be drudgery. When I was attending Weight Watchers, I had very little time to devote to an exercise routine at a gym. I was raising three young children at the time, so I decided to combine childcare with exercise.
I bought a trailer for my bike, put my daughter in it, and pedaled for miles every day with my sons. Biking worked like a charm to take off the weight, and I had fun with my kids.
Today's Challenge
Are you a yo-yo dieter? If you're struggling to control what you eat, ask God for answers, find an accountability partner, get a thorough check-up with a metabolic specialist, consult with a dietician, and get moving. These tools will all help you to develop greater self-control over your appetite.
You are what you eat.
This catchy slogan came out years ago, and I think it's very appropriate. When we eat nutrient-dense foods that are organic and fresh, we feel energized. In contrast, when we eat dead foods that are full of chemicals, we feel sluggish and can't think straight.
It is relatively easy for me to exercise self-control in my diet, because the consequences of eating improperly are immediate and painful. I am so allergic to some foods that I experience bizarre symptoms within minutes of ingesting them, such as temporary hearing loss, muscle weakness, or even paralysis.
Most people do not have such a great built-in self-control system. It is difficult for them to watch what they eat, because food provides them with pleasure, comfort, or relief from boredom or stress. I understand the challenge of over-eating, because I did not have these health issues when I was younger.
Dieting is not a lifestyle.
Most overweight people believe that diets work. They do not. The word diet makes us envision a time of self-denial, after which, we will go back to our normal eating routines.
The trouble with this mindset is that it simply creates a yo-yo effect. We diet, we lose weight, we go back to our old habits of eating, we gain the weight back (and then some), and the cycle begins again. What we need is a lifestyle change, not a diet.
Instead of thinking of temporary dieting breaks from our usual eating habits, we must consider a change in lifestyle. This means learning as much as we can about how food affects our health, and then making up our minds to eat only what produces better health.
Our country is experiencing an epidemic of health issues, such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and cancer. Joe sees people dying every day from these illnesses, and they aren't always elderly. In fact, it is shocking to see how many people in their 30s and 40s are dying from easily preventable diseases. If we understand that our diet is hurting us, we will be better motivated to make lasting changes.
Start with prayer.
I could not figure out for decades why food made me feel so awful. I began praying that God would provide answers. He immediately led me to this Bible verse: When you sit down to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. (Prov 23:1-2 NIV)
Immediately, I became aware of the fact that God views overeating as something so wrong, it would be better for me to slit my throat than to stuff my face. This verse also showed me the importance of noting what I eat.
Find an accountability partner.
If we want to develop any self-control, we must find ourselves an accountability partner. When trying to change our eating habits, or any other habit, this is a critical step to achieving success. An accountability partner can keep us on track and provide a sounding board when we are struggling.
I found it helpful when I was overweight to attend Weight Watchers meetings. They taught me the importance of combining exercise with a sensible diet, and I reached my weight-loss goal with the leaders' help.
Get a thorough check-up with a qualified physician.
Many people starve themselves, exercise, and keep a record of everything they eat; and they still don't lose weight. When I turned 50, this described me. No matter how little I ate or how much I exercised, I just kept gaining weight. Getting a check-up with a physician who specializes in metabolic disorders is vital if this describes you.
When I took the time to consult with a metabolic specialist, I finally figured out what was wrong. My thyroid function was low, but my primary care phyisican had not been able to detect the problem with the standard blood tests. The metabolic specialist knew how to look for a number of underlying issues that most doctors miss. Within weeks of taking a natural thyroid replacement, I began losing weight.
You see, our bodies run like clockwork if our naturally-occurring chemicals are in balance. However, if the adrenal glands, thyroid, pituitary glands, or sex hormones are out of whack, we can gain weight. No amount of self-control will be effective if our chemistry is off.
Hire a dietician who understands metabolism.
We have all spent good money on diet pills, health club memberships, and exercise equipment. But I think the best money spent is to hire a dietician who works under the direction of a metabolic specialist.
I visited with a dietician twice, and it was the best money I have ever spent. I figured out that even the healthy foods I was eating created cravings for more. The dietician taught me how to eat properly to reduce food cravings.
I can't emphasize enough how important this step is. If our bodies are receiving the proper foods at the right times of day, we will not have to worry about self-control! The cravings disappear.
One of the finest metabolic specialists in the United States works right here in Cincinnati, Ohio. Dr. James LaValle created the LaValle Metabolic Institute to help people far and wide with their weight problems. You can contact the Institute at www.lmihealth.com.
Get moving!
One of the most important components of appetite control is exercise. If we are moving, our bodies are circulating important natural chemicals more efficiently. Our mood gets elevated, and we have more energy.
Exercise doesn't have to be drudgery. When I was attending Weight Watchers, I had very little time to devote to an exercise routine at a gym. I was raising three young children at the time, so I decided to combine childcare with exercise.
I bought a trailer for my bike, put my daughter in it, and pedaled for miles every day with my sons. Biking worked like a charm to take off the weight, and I had fun with my kids.
Today's Challenge
Are you a yo-yo dieter? If you're struggling to control what you eat, ask God for answers, find an accountability partner, get a thorough check-up with a metabolic specialist, consult with a dietician, and get moving. These tools will all help you to develop greater self-control over your appetite.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Self-Control Protects Us From Evil
This week marks the last of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study has been based on the fruit of the Spirit, which is found in Galatians 5:22: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. We conclude with five lessons about self-control.
Don't leave yourself open to evil.
Proverbs 25:28 (MSG) reads, A person without self-control is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out. What does this mean?
In recent weeks, an F-5 tornado raced across the southern and midwestern United States, leaving a path of destruction in its mile-wide wake. Joe and I drove through some of the areas that were hit, and we were shocked by the devastation. At one exit along the interstate, enormous commercial buildings were missing roofs, windows, and walls.
Consider how vulnerable a building is without its roof, doors, or windows. Looters can steal merchandise from inside, rain can cause further damage, and wild animals can take up residence there. It is completely unprotected.
Like a building with its doors and windows missing, we can open ourselves up to all kinds of evil if we lack self-control. This week, we will be looking into what happens when we fail to control our appetites, our sex drives, our daily routines, and our emotions.
God is our best ally when learning self-control.
My greatest challenge in the area of self-control is my tongue. I tend to talk far more than I listen. Maybe that's why I feel compelled to write so many words every day!
No matter what challenges us, God can help. We can pray that he will show us areas of our lives that are out of control. Being blind to our faults can be problematic, particularly if we are always focused on others' flaws.
We can also pray that God will teach us to develop greater self-control. Doing this makes us more mindful of the things that we need to change, and it gives God opportunities to put us in situations where we will need to exercise self-control.
Today's Challenge
Consider what it means to you to be self-controlled. Ask God to show you where you need to improve, and then in your journal, write down instances when you failed to exercise self-control. Pray for opportunities to exhibit greater self-control the next time a similar situation arises.
Don't leave yourself open to evil.
Proverbs 25:28 (MSG) reads, A person without self-control is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out. What does this mean?
In recent weeks, an F-5 tornado raced across the southern and midwestern United States, leaving a path of destruction in its mile-wide wake. Joe and I drove through some of the areas that were hit, and we were shocked by the devastation. At one exit along the interstate, enormous commercial buildings were missing roofs, windows, and walls.
Consider how vulnerable a building is without its roof, doors, or windows. Looters can steal merchandise from inside, rain can cause further damage, and wild animals can take up residence there. It is completely unprotected.
Like a building with its doors and windows missing, we can open ourselves up to all kinds of evil if we lack self-control. This week, we will be looking into what happens when we fail to control our appetites, our sex drives, our daily routines, and our emotions.
God is our best ally when learning self-control.
My greatest challenge in the area of self-control is my tongue. I tend to talk far more than I listen. Maybe that's why I feel compelled to write so many words every day!
No matter what challenges us, God can help. We can pray that he will show us areas of our lives that are out of control. Being blind to our faults can be problematic, particularly if we are always focused on others' flaws.
We can also pray that God will teach us to develop greater self-control. Doing this makes us more mindful of the things that we need to change, and it gives God opportunities to put us in situations where we will need to exercise self-control.
Today's Challenge
Consider what it means to you to be self-controlled. Ask God to show you where you need to improve, and then in your journal, write down instances when you failed to exercise self-control. Pray for opportunities to exhibit greater self-control the next time a similar situation arises.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Prayer for Victims of Abuse
I would like to conclude this week's thoughts about gentleness with a prayer from Psalm 109 (CEV). Many of you reading this may still be dealing with abusive people or bullies, and I would like to encourage you to turn to God for strength. Harsh words from our enemies can leave lasting wounds, but God's gentleness toward us can bring us renewed strength.
Psalm 109:1-5; 21-31 reads,
I praise you, God! Don't keep silent.
Destructive and deceitful lies are told about me,
and hateful things are said for no reason.
I had pity and prayed for my enemies,
but their words to me were harsh and cruel.
For being friendly and kind,
they paid me back with meanness and hatred.
Be true to your name, LORD God!
Show your great kindness and rescue me.
I am poor and helpless, and I have lost all hope.
I am fading away like an evening shadow;
I am tossed aside like a crawling insect.
I have gone without eating until my knees are weak,
and my body is bony.
When my enemies see me, they say cruel things
and shake their heads.
Please help me, LORD God!
Come and save me because of your love.
Let others know that you alone have saved me.
I don't care if they curse me, as long as you bless me.
You will make my enemies fail when they attack,
and you will make me glad to be your servant.
You will cover them with shame, just as their bodies
are covered with clothes.
I will sing your praises and thank you, LORD,
when your people meet.
You help everyone in need,
and you defend them when they are on trial.
I can remember reading through the Psalms over and over when I was mired in an abusive relationship. God's Word brought me comfort then, because he gave me hope that things would be different.
God answered my prayers and brought me out of that miserable life as a victim of abuse. Today when I read this, I focus more on the praises than on the pleas for help. God has been so good to me, and I pray that his goodness and gentleness will bring you peace, too.
Next week, we will conclude this series, Thriving in God's Garden, with lessons about how to achieve greater self-control. I hope you'll join me as we search for ways to develop the fruit of the Spirit.
Psalm 109:1-5; 21-31 reads,
I praise you, God! Don't keep silent.
Destructive and deceitful lies are told about me,
and hateful things are said for no reason.
I had pity and prayed for my enemies,
but their words to me were harsh and cruel.
For being friendly and kind,
they paid me back with meanness and hatred.
Be true to your name, LORD God!
Show your great kindness and rescue me.
I am poor and helpless, and I have lost all hope.
I am fading away like an evening shadow;
I am tossed aside like a crawling insect.
I have gone without eating until my knees are weak,
and my body is bony.
When my enemies see me, they say cruel things
and shake their heads.
Please help me, LORD God!
Come and save me because of your love.
Let others know that you alone have saved me.
I don't care if they curse me, as long as you bless me.
You will make my enemies fail when they attack,
and you will make me glad to be your servant.
You will cover them with shame, just as their bodies
are covered with clothes.
I will sing your praises and thank you, LORD,
when your people meet.
You help everyone in need,
and you defend them when they are on trial.
I can remember reading through the Psalms over and over when I was mired in an abusive relationship. God's Word brought me comfort then, because he gave me hope that things would be different.
God answered my prayers and brought me out of that miserable life as a victim of abuse. Today when I read this, I focus more on the praises than on the pleas for help. God has been so good to me, and I pray that his goodness and gentleness will bring you peace, too.
Next week, we will conclude this series, Thriving in God's Garden, with lessons about how to achieve greater self-control. I hope you'll join me as we search for ways to develop the fruit of the Spirit.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Bullies Never Win
Our discussion this week is centered on the concept of gentleness and is a continuation of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, I'd like to concentrate on bullying, since it has become so prevalent in recent years.
We've all met at least one bully.
When I was about four years old, there were two bullies in my neighborhood. One was a teenage boy who approached me one afternoon while I was sitting on my front steps. In his hand, he was carrying the old washing machine hose that my dad had thrown in the trash the night before.
Without provocation, the boy walked up to me and began beating me with that rubber hose. I tried to protect myself by curling up in a ball, but he simply kept hitting me over and over. At the time, I remember wondering why anyone would do something so cruel. Eventually, he stopped, tossed the hose back into the trash can, and walked away.
The second bully I grew up with was a girl who was two years older than I was. Relentlessly, she picked on me during our one-mile walk to and from school. She waited in the bushes until I passed by, and then jumped out to tackle me to the ground. Other days, she tripped me, pinched me, slapped me, or stole my lunch from me.
One afternoon, the bully tried to wrench my lunch box from my hand. That was her first mistake, because that box belonged to my brother. He'd warned me that morning not to lose it or mess it up. For years, I had allowed this girl to pick on me, but I was determined not to let her spoil my brother's favorite lunch box.
With all the strength I could muster, I windmilled her over the head with that metal lunchbox. To my surprise, her knees buckled, and I walked the rest of the way home in peace.
The following day, the bully's sister told me that the family had spent the evening in the emergency room. Apparently, my brother's lunch box had given the bully a concussion. I felt badly for her, but at the same time, my actions brought me some relief: she never picked on me again.
I'm not advocating violence here, but I do wish to make the point that if we allow bullies to pick on us, they will not stop. It is imperative that we find a way to dissuade bullies, either by traveling through life in groups or by involving someone more powerful than the bully to put an end to his actions. This may include supportive friends, neighbors, or even the police.
Scratch a bully, find a victim.
We can all relate to the feelings of helplessness that bullying creates. But do we ever take the time to understand a bully?
A counselor once told me, "Sratch a bully, find a victim." What she meant by that phrase was that if you scratch through the mean surface, most bullies were once themselves victims of bullying or abuse. They don't know how to appropriately express their anger, so they take it out on weaker people.
Understanding the bully does not mean that we condone his actions. But perhaps knowing why he behaves as he does will help us to pray for him to change.
God is never a bully.
We are learning how to be gentle, and one way of doing that is to study God's character. He never bullies anyone.
The story of Job's suffering from significant losses and illness gives us a glimpse into God's character, as well as Job's. In spite of all the challenges that God allowed Job to endure, Job never blamed God for his afflictions.
Job said, "It's true that God is all-powerful, but he doesn't bully innocent people. For the wicked, though, it's a different story— he doesn't give them the time of day, but champions the rights of their victims. He never takes his eyes off the righteous; he honors them lavishly, promotes them endlessly. When things go badly, when affliction and suffering descend, God tells them where they've gone wrong, shows them how their pride has caused their trouble. He forces them to heed his warning, tells them they must repent of their bad life. If they obey and serve him, they'll have a good, long life on easy street. But if they disobey, they'll be cut down in their prime and never know the first thing about life. Angry people without God pile grievance upon grievance, always blaming others for their troubles. Living it up in sexual excesses, virility wasted, they die young. But those who learn from their suffering, God delivers from their suffering.
(Job 36:5 MSG)
Gentle people have learned from their mistakes.
The passage above shows us that we may, at times, come to the conclusion that our troubles were a result of someone else's evil actions or of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. In such instances, we can rely on God to help us understand, as Job did.
At other times, we may suffer as a result of our own sin or pride. During these instances, we must admit that we've gotten ourselves into a jam through our own errors. Then, we must humble ourselves, admit our mistakes, and learn from them. In the process, gentleness grows.
The bully does not take advantage of this learning curve. He remains angry with God, and he takes it out on everyone around him. He continues doing things his own way, without regard for whom he is hurting. His life rarely improves, because he refuses to look inward.
As survivors of abuse, we must make sure that we are continually looking inward. With a spirit of humility and reliance on God's grace, we can admit our faults so that we can grow ever more gentle. And when we encounter bullies, we can pray for them. Developing such wonderful understanding leads us even closer to the gentle spirit we desire.
Today's Challenge
Were you bullied as a child? Write down how you felt at the time and how you responded. What would you do differently today?
We've all met at least one bully.
When I was about four years old, there were two bullies in my neighborhood. One was a teenage boy who approached me one afternoon while I was sitting on my front steps. In his hand, he was carrying the old washing machine hose that my dad had thrown in the trash the night before.
Without provocation, the boy walked up to me and began beating me with that rubber hose. I tried to protect myself by curling up in a ball, but he simply kept hitting me over and over. At the time, I remember wondering why anyone would do something so cruel. Eventually, he stopped, tossed the hose back into the trash can, and walked away.
The second bully I grew up with was a girl who was two years older than I was. Relentlessly, she picked on me during our one-mile walk to and from school. She waited in the bushes until I passed by, and then jumped out to tackle me to the ground. Other days, she tripped me, pinched me, slapped me, or stole my lunch from me.
One afternoon, the bully tried to wrench my lunch box from my hand. That was her first mistake, because that box belonged to my brother. He'd warned me that morning not to lose it or mess it up. For years, I had allowed this girl to pick on me, but I was determined not to let her spoil my brother's favorite lunch box.
With all the strength I could muster, I windmilled her over the head with that metal lunchbox. To my surprise, her knees buckled, and I walked the rest of the way home in peace.
The following day, the bully's sister told me that the family had spent the evening in the emergency room. Apparently, my brother's lunch box had given the bully a concussion. I felt badly for her, but at the same time, my actions brought me some relief: she never picked on me again.
I'm not advocating violence here, but I do wish to make the point that if we allow bullies to pick on us, they will not stop. It is imperative that we find a way to dissuade bullies, either by traveling through life in groups or by involving someone more powerful than the bully to put an end to his actions. This may include supportive friends, neighbors, or even the police.
Scratch a bully, find a victim.
We can all relate to the feelings of helplessness that bullying creates. But do we ever take the time to understand a bully?
A counselor once told me, "Sratch a bully, find a victim." What she meant by that phrase was that if you scratch through the mean surface, most bullies were once themselves victims of bullying or abuse. They don't know how to appropriately express their anger, so they take it out on weaker people.
Understanding the bully does not mean that we condone his actions. But perhaps knowing why he behaves as he does will help us to pray for him to change.
God is never a bully.
We are learning how to be gentle, and one way of doing that is to study God's character. He never bullies anyone.
The story of Job's suffering from significant losses and illness gives us a glimpse into God's character, as well as Job's. In spite of all the challenges that God allowed Job to endure, Job never blamed God for his afflictions.
Job said, "It's true that God is all-powerful, but he doesn't bully innocent people. For the wicked, though, it's a different story— he doesn't give them the time of day, but champions the rights of their victims. He never takes his eyes off the righteous; he honors them lavishly, promotes them endlessly. When things go badly, when affliction and suffering descend, God tells them where they've gone wrong, shows them how their pride has caused their trouble. He forces them to heed his warning, tells them they must repent of their bad life. If they obey and serve him, they'll have a good, long life on easy street. But if they disobey, they'll be cut down in their prime and never know the first thing about life. Angry people without God pile grievance upon grievance, always blaming others for their troubles. Living it up in sexual excesses, virility wasted, they die young. But those who learn from their suffering, God delivers from their suffering.
(Job 36:5 MSG)
Gentle people have learned from their mistakes.
The passage above shows us that we may, at times, come to the conclusion that our troubles were a result of someone else's evil actions or of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. In such instances, we can rely on God to help us understand, as Job did.
At other times, we may suffer as a result of our own sin or pride. During these instances, we must admit that we've gotten ourselves into a jam through our own errors. Then, we must humble ourselves, admit our mistakes, and learn from them. In the process, gentleness grows.
The bully does not take advantage of this learning curve. He remains angry with God, and he takes it out on everyone around him. He continues doing things his own way, without regard for whom he is hurting. His life rarely improves, because he refuses to look inward.
As survivors of abuse, we must make sure that we are continually looking inward. With a spirit of humility and reliance on God's grace, we can admit our faults so that we can grow ever more gentle. And when we encounter bullies, we can pray for them. Developing such wonderful understanding leads us even closer to the gentle spirit we desire.
Today's Challenge
Were you bullied as a child? Write down how you felt at the time and how you responded. What would you do differently today?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Beauty of a Gentle Spirit
This week, we are learning about gentleness in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, we look at the importance of inner beauty and the deceitfulness of outer beauty.
True beauty starts on the inside.
The apostle, Peter, wrote about women's beauty in a letter to the early Christian church. Some denominations believe that these are specific rules against certain outward appearances, but I think Peter had a bigger message in mind.
He wrote, Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (I Peter 3:3-4 NIV)
This passage does not mean that we should quit braiding our hair, put on frumpy clothes, or sell all of our bling. Peter simply used these examples to make the point that we can't rely on our outer beauty if we are ugly on the inside.
Develop a gentle spirit.
As survivors of abuse, we frequently feel that we are ugly. Our shame causes us to feel inferior to others, whom we may admire for their outer beauty.
We may try to compensate for the way we feel about ourselves by going overboard with extreme hairstyles, excessive makeup, or tons of jewelry. We cannot rely on these outer adornments to express our beauty. No amount of make-up, jewelry, or clothing will make us beautiful if we are filled with bitterness, revenge, or hatred.
God created us in his own image, and he loves us in spite of our flaws. When we learn to accept God's love, our inner beauty begins to grow. A quiet spirit brings us inner peace, which radiates gentle beauty from the inside.
Please don't misunderstand here what is being said about outer appearances. Peter did not mean to imply that we should neglect our personal grooming. Clean skin, healthy teeth, a stylish haircut, and modest clothing and accessories all go a long way toward helping us feel as if we have our act together.
Don't be a rotten melon.
Have you ever gone to the grocery to purchase a beautiful green watermelon, taken it home for a family picnic, and discovered that it had turned to mush on the inside? Like a rotten melon, the bigger point of Peter's message is that outer beauty is worthless without inner goodness. God desires for us to work much harder on our inner beauty than on outward appearances.
Today's Challenge
Take time today for a check-up of both your inner and outer beauty. How much time are you spending on the development of inner beauty, which comes from a gentle and quiet spirit? Are you taking care of your appearance with good grooming? Or are you trying to compensate for low self-worth by over-dressing? Make a commitment today to develop a gentle and quiet spirit through Bible study and fellowship with other mature Christians so that you can glow from the inside out.
True beauty starts on the inside.
The apostle, Peter, wrote about women's beauty in a letter to the early Christian church. Some denominations believe that these are specific rules against certain outward appearances, but I think Peter had a bigger message in mind.
He wrote, Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (I Peter 3:3-4 NIV)
This passage does not mean that we should quit braiding our hair, put on frumpy clothes, or sell all of our bling. Peter simply used these examples to make the point that we can't rely on our outer beauty if we are ugly on the inside.
Develop a gentle spirit.
As survivors of abuse, we frequently feel that we are ugly. Our shame causes us to feel inferior to others, whom we may admire for their outer beauty.
We may try to compensate for the way we feel about ourselves by going overboard with extreme hairstyles, excessive makeup, or tons of jewelry. We cannot rely on these outer adornments to express our beauty. No amount of make-up, jewelry, or clothing will make us beautiful if we are filled with bitterness, revenge, or hatred.
God created us in his own image, and he loves us in spite of our flaws. When we learn to accept God's love, our inner beauty begins to grow. A quiet spirit brings us inner peace, which radiates gentle beauty from the inside.
Please don't misunderstand here what is being said about outer appearances. Peter did not mean to imply that we should neglect our personal grooming. Clean skin, healthy teeth, a stylish haircut, and modest clothing and accessories all go a long way toward helping us feel as if we have our act together.
Don't be a rotten melon.
Have you ever gone to the grocery to purchase a beautiful green watermelon, taken it home for a family picnic, and discovered that it had turned to mush on the inside? Like a rotten melon, the bigger point of Peter's message is that outer beauty is worthless without inner goodness. God desires for us to work much harder on our inner beauty than on outward appearances.
Today's Challenge
Take time today for a check-up of both your inner and outer beauty. How much time are you spending on the development of inner beauty, which comes from a gentle and quiet spirit? Are you taking care of your appearance with good grooming? Or are you trying to compensate for low self-worth by over-dressing? Make a commitment today to develop a gentle and quiet spirit through Bible study and fellowship with other mature Christians so that you can glow from the inside out.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Be Gentle With Your Words
This week, we are learning how to become more gentle people, and today I would like to address the issue of how our speech affects others. This is a continuation of my series, Thriving in God's Garden.
Don't devour your neighbor.
The apostle Paul wrote the book of Galatians as a letter which was addressed to a group of early Christians. They were bickering over whether following the law or finding freedom in the Gospel was the way to heaven.
Paul wrote to them, "Love your neighbor as yourself. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Gal. 5:15 NIV)
The image of biting and devouring other people seems pretty gruesome, but that is exactly what we are doing when we talk to one another with sarcasm. The dictionary defines sarcasm as a sharply mocking or contemptuously ironic remark intended to wound another. In Greek, the word sarkasmos means to bite the lips in rage.
Sarcasm is a cover-up for bitterness.
I know a family who uses sarcasm constantly. They tease one another mercilessly and make very unkind remarks among themselves about the faults of the weaker members. Whenever I am with them, I feel terrible for the people who are the brunt of the unkind jokes. It is easy to see that the sarcastic remarks stem from bitterness over old hurts that should have been resolved years ago.
When I raise objections about these types of conversations with this family, they grin and say it's all just fun and games. While it may be fun for the one tearing someone else apart, I doubt that it's very pleasant for the weaker ones suffering the flesh-tearing verbal assaults.
Sarcasm has no place in our lives if we want to learn to be more gentle people. Unkind words that poke fun at others may make people laugh on late-night TV, but they're not appropriate within the family context. Someone must always be the butt of the joke, and I don't believe they can escape feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, or humiliation as a result.
When my children were young, I intervened whenever sarcastic cracks were made between them. Sarcasm is a form of verbal abuse, and I find it completely unacceptable. I refuse to tolerate it.
Sarcasm is not how we express love.
As survivors of either childhood or marital abuse, many of us know how it feels to be put down with sarcasm. It hurts, and the wounds left behind are difficult to heal. We may grow up believing that this is how families express love to one another, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Whenever I meet someone who is very sarcastic, it doesn't take long to peel back the layers of hurt and find a person who was deeply wounded in childhood. They are often angry and have never learned how to express their rage. Sarcasm allows them to throw out barbs under the guise of humor, but anyone with some sensitivity can see beyond the jokes to the underlying pain.
Be gentle with your words.
There are many ways to laugh together without being sarcastic or poking fun at individuals or entire people groups. Comedy comes in many forms, and some jokes are funny without being bitter.
We can laugh over lots of things besides stupid jokes, too. The antics of our pets and children can make us laugh out loud. Overflowing joy can bring a smile to our faces if we experience something wonderful, such as an exhilarating parasail ride, a run down a powdery ski slope, or a dash through the sprinkler out on the front lawn.
We all need to find ways to use words to build up and encourage one another. We must walk away from conversations where others are bitterly pouring out sarcasm. Perhaps this means turning off the TV or walking out of a comedy show where actors are putting down people, including those in the audience. If we're feeling really courageous, we can stick up for someone who's the brunt of a mean joke. We'll feel better, and I'm sure others will, too.
Today's Challenge
Are you the brunt of a sarcastic abuser's jokes? Or are you the one dishing out the pain with unkind sarcasm? Make a commitment today to become a gentler person by giving up all forms of sarcasm. Refuse to accept it or dole it out.
Don't devour your neighbor.
The apostle Paul wrote the book of Galatians as a letter which was addressed to a group of early Christians. They were bickering over whether following the law or finding freedom in the Gospel was the way to heaven.
Paul wrote to them, "Love your neighbor as yourself. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Gal. 5:15 NIV)
The image of biting and devouring other people seems pretty gruesome, but that is exactly what we are doing when we talk to one another with sarcasm. The dictionary defines sarcasm as a sharply mocking or contemptuously ironic remark intended to wound another. In Greek, the word sarkasmos means to bite the lips in rage.
Sarcasm is a cover-up for bitterness.
I know a family who uses sarcasm constantly. They tease one another mercilessly and make very unkind remarks among themselves about the faults of the weaker members. Whenever I am with them, I feel terrible for the people who are the brunt of the unkind jokes. It is easy to see that the sarcastic remarks stem from bitterness over old hurts that should have been resolved years ago.
When I raise objections about these types of conversations with this family, they grin and say it's all just fun and games. While it may be fun for the one tearing someone else apart, I doubt that it's very pleasant for the weaker ones suffering the flesh-tearing verbal assaults.
Sarcasm has no place in our lives if we want to learn to be more gentle people. Unkind words that poke fun at others may make people laugh on late-night TV, but they're not appropriate within the family context. Someone must always be the butt of the joke, and I don't believe they can escape feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, or humiliation as a result.
When my children were young, I intervened whenever sarcastic cracks were made between them. Sarcasm is a form of verbal abuse, and I find it completely unacceptable. I refuse to tolerate it.
Sarcasm is not how we express love.
As survivors of either childhood or marital abuse, many of us know how it feels to be put down with sarcasm. It hurts, and the wounds left behind are difficult to heal. We may grow up believing that this is how families express love to one another, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Whenever I meet someone who is very sarcastic, it doesn't take long to peel back the layers of hurt and find a person who was deeply wounded in childhood. They are often angry and have never learned how to express their rage. Sarcasm allows them to throw out barbs under the guise of humor, but anyone with some sensitivity can see beyond the jokes to the underlying pain.
Be gentle with your words.
There are many ways to laugh together without being sarcastic or poking fun at individuals or entire people groups. Comedy comes in many forms, and some jokes are funny without being bitter.
We can laugh over lots of things besides stupid jokes, too. The antics of our pets and children can make us laugh out loud. Overflowing joy can bring a smile to our faces if we experience something wonderful, such as an exhilarating parasail ride, a run down a powdery ski slope, or a dash through the sprinkler out on the front lawn.
We all need to find ways to use words to build up and encourage one another. We must walk away from conversations where others are bitterly pouring out sarcasm. Perhaps this means turning off the TV or walking out of a comedy show where actors are putting down people, including those in the audience. If we're feeling really courageous, we can stick up for someone who's the brunt of a mean joke. We'll feel better, and I'm sure others will, too.
Today's Challenge
Are you the brunt of a sarcastic abuser's jokes? Or are you the one dishing out the pain with unkind sarcasm? Make a commitment today to become a gentler person by giving up all forms of sarcasm. Refuse to accept it or dole it out.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Teach Faithfulness
We conclude this week’s thoughts about faithfulness with some insights about teaching others how to become more faithful. This is a continuation of my series, Thriving in God’s Garden, which is based on Galatians 5:22. Next week, we will learn about how to be more gentle.
Become a woman of excellence.
Proverbs 31:10-31 has been my greatest source of guidance over the years. As a woman, this passage leads me in the ways that God wants me to go. It describes how I should aspire to live as a Christian wife. I think it can be applied to any woman, young or old, married or single.
Proverbs 31:26 (NIV) reads, She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Notice that God puts wisdom ahead of faithful instruction in this passage. Older, more mature women are called upon to teach younger ones how to live quiet lives that are pleasing to God. Our cumulative life experiences usually make us better equipped to teach others, primarily through the wisdom we have learned from making mistakes along the way.
I have been on a pathway of learning for many years, and there is still much that I don’t know. But when I do understand something through a combination of experiences and studying the Bible, I try to share my wisdom with others. This blog is one example of my faithfulness in teaching God’s wisdom to others.
What do you know?
Each one of us has been equipped with special talents and gifts. Those abilities should be used whenever possible to encourage others. What have you learned as a result of the challenges life has thrown your way?
Most survivors of abuse don’t feel that they are very worthy. They believe that they have little to offer, because their abusers stripped them of all self-confidence. But the fact is that most people who have survived childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, or other traumas are usually much stronger in the long run than the average person. We can be far more resilient, hopeful, determined, and resourceful than most others can if we recover well. The very fact that we survived abuse speaks volumes about our emotional strength.
Galatians 5:22 (NIV) tells us that we should be exhibiting behaviors that are more and more Christ-like as we mature. These characteristics (the fruit of the Spirit) include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Which ones do you feel are your strongest traits? How can you teach what you know to someone else?
Find a place to share your wisdom with others.
The best way to put this lesson into practice is to find a place to serve where we can faithfully teach others what we know. I lead a small group of women in making quilts for terminally ill patients at the hospitals in our community. My friend enjoys teaching young wives how to cook. No matter who we are, or how much we have suffered, God has given us something unique to share with the world. Where can you serve?
Today’s Challenge
Read Proverbs 31:10-31. You can find it at www.biblegateway.com if you don’t have a Bible. Consider the many talents described in this beautiful passage of Scripture. Which gift can you share with someone else? Choose one of your spiritual gifts today and begin faithfully teaching it to others through your actions or through direct instruction.
Become a woman of excellence.
Proverbs 31:10-31 has been my greatest source of guidance over the years. As a woman, this passage leads me in the ways that God wants me to go. It describes how I should aspire to live as a Christian wife. I think it can be applied to any woman, young or old, married or single.
Proverbs 31:26 (NIV) reads, She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Notice that God puts wisdom ahead of faithful instruction in this passage. Older, more mature women are called upon to teach younger ones how to live quiet lives that are pleasing to God. Our cumulative life experiences usually make us better equipped to teach others, primarily through the wisdom we have learned from making mistakes along the way.
I have been on a pathway of learning for many years, and there is still much that I don’t know. But when I do understand something through a combination of experiences and studying the Bible, I try to share my wisdom with others. This blog is one example of my faithfulness in teaching God’s wisdom to others.
What do you know?
Each one of us has been equipped with special talents and gifts. Those abilities should be used whenever possible to encourage others. What have you learned as a result of the challenges life has thrown your way?
Most survivors of abuse don’t feel that they are very worthy. They believe that they have little to offer, because their abusers stripped them of all self-confidence. But the fact is that most people who have survived childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, or other traumas are usually much stronger in the long run than the average person. We can be far more resilient, hopeful, determined, and resourceful than most others can if we recover well. The very fact that we survived abuse speaks volumes about our emotional strength.
Galatians 5:22 (NIV) tells us that we should be exhibiting behaviors that are more and more Christ-like as we mature. These characteristics (the fruit of the Spirit) include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Which ones do you feel are your strongest traits? How can you teach what you know to someone else?
Find a place to share your wisdom with others.
The best way to put this lesson into practice is to find a place to serve where we can faithfully teach others what we know. I lead a small group of women in making quilts for terminally ill patients at the hospitals in our community. My friend enjoys teaching young wives how to cook. No matter who we are, or how much we have suffered, God has given us something unique to share with the world. Where can you serve?
Today’s Challenge
Read Proverbs 31:10-31. You can find it at www.biblegateway.com if you don’t have a Bible. Consider the many talents described in this beautiful passage of Scripture. Which gift can you share with someone else? Choose one of your spiritual gifts today and begin faithfully teaching it to others through your actions or through direct instruction.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Faithfulness Builds Security
We are in week seven of my nine-week series, Thriving in God’s Garden. It is based on Galatians 5:22, the 'fruit' of the Spirit. This week, we are learning about faithfulness, and today I would like to get you thinking about building security through faithfulness.
Kings are great diplomats.
Proverbs 20:28 (NIV) tells us, Love and faithfulness keep a king safe; through love his throne is made secure. Kings who are wise build strong alliances with their subjects, as well as neighboring countries, by treating others with benevolence and kindness. As a result, the people become endeared to a great leader and remain his loyal supporters.
Our faithfulness toward others builds loyalty.
When we faithfully treat our friends and family with love and kindness, just as the wise king did in the passage above, we become endeared to them. As a result, when we are sick or in trouble, we can count on our friends to help us. If we have friends who stand by us through life’s ups and downs, we are probably the type of people who have worked hard to earn that loyalty. We understand faithfulness.
As survivors, it is often difficult to remain faithful.
Many of us struggle with remaining faithful to our relationships, because abuse or trauma can make us fearful and controlling. This is a particularly common outcome in people who were sexually abused in early childhood. Having no control over our bodies when we were young keeps us perpetually on our toes to make sure that no one hurts us again.
The trouble with this type of hyper-vigilant behavior is that it pushes away the very people we most want as our loyal supporters. If they are honest with us, we may hear from them that we are very bossy, perfectionistic, demanding, or controlling. We may marry or make friends with people who tend to be very passive, because most other people can’t stand our need to be in charge.
Because we don’t know how to back off and let others be themselves, we often find it easier to leave a relationship than to remain faithful to it. While we yearn for security, we often unwittingly destroy it by running from our commitments.
The only person we can control is ourselves.
Abuse victims generally take one of three directions:
1) they become abusers;
2) they rescue others; or
3) they remain victims.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably working your way out of the third category, because you realize that being victimized for the rest of time is not a worthwhile endeavor. And my guess is that you’re probably not an abuser, or you wouldn’t be interested in what I have to say about surviving abuse.
That leaves most of us in that category of rescuing, which places us in a position of constantly searching for ways to improve everyone around us…even when they don’t ask for our help. This gets us into a great deal of trouble, because we focus too much on others’ faults and nowhere near enough on our own.
I had the privilege many years ago of attending Al-Anon for Adult Children of Alcoholics. There, I learned the slogan, detach with love. This concept made little sense to me at first, because I felt that it meant my abusers were no longer responsible for their actions if I quit trying to control them. But, eventually I figured out that to detach with love means that I must mind my own business and let others mind theirs. I must let go and let God help my abusers work out their own issues.
Quit rescuing and start living your own life.
When we quit trying to save the rest of the world from their problems, we discover that we have far more time and energy to devote to our own issues. Our relationships with friends and family members improve, because we are no longer annoying everyone we encounter with our unsolicited advice.
I know that detaching with love is a difficult task, because it has always been my greatest battle. When I control, I drive away the people I love the most. And when that happens, I feel really depressed. There are times when I have considered walking away from my life to live in solitude, because it feels as if it would simply be easier.
I would like to encourage you to work toward growing in the area of faithfulness. Instead of giving up on a spouse or a friend, find a way to detach with love. Get your own career off the ground and take your focus off your mate’s. Quit hovering over your children and free them to be themselves.
This detachment/faithfulness combination may feel as strange to you as breathing underwater, but I can tell you that it works to build the loyalty of friends and family members. I have found much greater peace by concerning myself with my own life and letting others live their own than I have ever found in trying to rescue or fix others’ problems.
Today’s Challenge
Are you a rescuer? Do you find yourself constantly nagging someone else to change or improve? Give up those behaviors and start looking inward for ways to build the fruit of the Spirit. Remain faithful to those you love and set them free to become whoever God created them to be. In doing so, you will create security within a network of supportive relationships.
Kings are great diplomats.
Proverbs 20:28 (NIV) tells us, Love and faithfulness keep a king safe; through love his throne is made secure. Kings who are wise build strong alliances with their subjects, as well as neighboring countries, by treating others with benevolence and kindness. As a result, the people become endeared to a great leader and remain his loyal supporters.
Our faithfulness toward others builds loyalty.
When we faithfully treat our friends and family with love and kindness, just as the wise king did in the passage above, we become endeared to them. As a result, when we are sick or in trouble, we can count on our friends to help us. If we have friends who stand by us through life’s ups and downs, we are probably the type of people who have worked hard to earn that loyalty. We understand faithfulness.
As survivors, it is often difficult to remain faithful.
Many of us struggle with remaining faithful to our relationships, because abuse or trauma can make us fearful and controlling. This is a particularly common outcome in people who were sexually abused in early childhood. Having no control over our bodies when we were young keeps us perpetually on our toes to make sure that no one hurts us again.
The trouble with this type of hyper-vigilant behavior is that it pushes away the very people we most want as our loyal supporters. If they are honest with us, we may hear from them that we are very bossy, perfectionistic, demanding, or controlling. We may marry or make friends with people who tend to be very passive, because most other people can’t stand our need to be in charge.
Because we don’t know how to back off and let others be themselves, we often find it easier to leave a relationship than to remain faithful to it. While we yearn for security, we often unwittingly destroy it by running from our commitments.
The only person we can control is ourselves.
Abuse victims generally take one of three directions:
1) they become abusers;
2) they rescue others; or
3) they remain victims.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably working your way out of the third category, because you realize that being victimized for the rest of time is not a worthwhile endeavor. And my guess is that you’re probably not an abuser, or you wouldn’t be interested in what I have to say about surviving abuse.
That leaves most of us in that category of rescuing, which places us in a position of constantly searching for ways to improve everyone around us…even when they don’t ask for our help. This gets us into a great deal of trouble, because we focus too much on others’ faults and nowhere near enough on our own.
I had the privilege many years ago of attending Al-Anon for Adult Children of Alcoholics. There, I learned the slogan, detach with love. This concept made little sense to me at first, because I felt that it meant my abusers were no longer responsible for their actions if I quit trying to control them. But, eventually I figured out that to detach with love means that I must mind my own business and let others mind theirs. I must let go and let God help my abusers work out their own issues.
Quit rescuing and start living your own life.
When we quit trying to save the rest of the world from their problems, we discover that we have far more time and energy to devote to our own issues. Our relationships with friends and family members improve, because we are no longer annoying everyone we encounter with our unsolicited advice.
I know that detaching with love is a difficult task, because it has always been my greatest battle. When I control, I drive away the people I love the most. And when that happens, I feel really depressed. There are times when I have considered walking away from my life to live in solitude, because it feels as if it would simply be easier.
I would like to encourage you to work toward growing in the area of faithfulness. Instead of giving up on a spouse or a friend, find a way to detach with love. Get your own career off the ground and take your focus off your mate’s. Quit hovering over your children and free them to be themselves.
This detachment/faithfulness combination may feel as strange to you as breathing underwater, but I can tell you that it works to build the loyalty of friends and family members. I have found much greater peace by concerning myself with my own life and letting others live their own than I have ever found in trying to rescue or fix others’ problems.
Today’s Challenge
Are you a rescuer? Do you find yourself constantly nagging someone else to change or improve? Give up those behaviors and start looking inward for ways to build the fruit of the Spirit. Remain faithful to those you love and set them free to become whoever God created them to be. In doing so, you will create security within a network of supportive relationships.
Monday, May 9, 2011
God’s Faithfulness Endures Forever
We focus our thoughts this week on the concept of faithfulness as we continue with week seven of my nine-week series, Thriving in God’s Garden. This study is based on Galatians 5:22, known as the fruit of the Spirit.
The shortest chapter in the Bible holds the greatest truth.
Psalm 117 is the shortest chapter in the Bible and contains one of the greatest truths: God is perpetually involved in the destiny of all people groups by faithfully lavishing us with his love. The passage reads, Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol him, all you peoples. For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord.
The emphasis of this chapter, if we look at it closely, is the message that God’s love is for all people, not just the nation of Israel. Jesus came to bring the Gospel of love to people of all nations, not just his fellow Jews. This was a hard concept for people of Jesus’ day to accept, because the Jews looked down on others, such as the people of Samaria.
We must accept that God loves evil people.
Today, we struggle with this same prideful attitude. We think of God’s faithfulness in loving us as something that belongs to people who are worthy. We have a hard time thinking of our abusers as people whom God also loves. But if we look back and read Psalm 117 more than once, we come to understand that God loves all people.
Last week, the world cheered when journaists revealed that Osama bin Laden had finally been captured and killed. A universal shout went up at Ground Zero in New York City, because many felt that justice had finally been served. I must admit that the first words out of my mouth were, “Hallelujah!”
In the next instant, I felt regret over expressing joy that a man had died. It was never God’s plan to create this person so that he could become a leader in world terrorism. God’s faithfulness in loving Osama bin Laden never ended.
And yet, we know from our previous studies about God’s character that he must punish men like Osama bin Laden. God loves all people, but he also hates sin. And he promises to punish those who refuse to turn away from their sins.
Therefore, we should not be cheering over bin Laden’s death. We should be grieving, because we failed to find a way to help the man understand that God is love. Bin Laden never figured out that God wants us to love one another.
When we are suffering or sinning, God’s faithfulness endures. No matter how badly we behave, his love never ends. The same truth about God applies to the people who have hurt us…including people as evil as Osama bin Laden.
Today’s Challenge
Are there people or nations whom you believe God does not love? How does this lesson about God’s faithfulness challenge those beliefs? Take some time today to reflect about God’s faithfulness in loving you when you have been at your worst. Think about how that same faithfulness applies to the people you believe are so undeserving.
The shortest chapter in the Bible holds the greatest truth.
Psalm 117 is the shortest chapter in the Bible and contains one of the greatest truths: God is perpetually involved in the destiny of all people groups by faithfully lavishing us with his love. The passage reads, Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol him, all you peoples. For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord.
The emphasis of this chapter, if we look at it closely, is the message that God’s love is for all people, not just the nation of Israel. Jesus came to bring the Gospel of love to people of all nations, not just his fellow Jews. This was a hard concept for people of Jesus’ day to accept, because the Jews looked down on others, such as the people of Samaria.
We must accept that God loves evil people.
Today, we struggle with this same prideful attitude. We think of God’s faithfulness in loving us as something that belongs to people who are worthy. We have a hard time thinking of our abusers as people whom God also loves. But if we look back and read Psalm 117 more than once, we come to understand that God loves all people.
Last week, the world cheered when journaists revealed that Osama bin Laden had finally been captured and killed. A universal shout went up at Ground Zero in New York City, because many felt that justice had finally been served. I must admit that the first words out of my mouth were, “Hallelujah!”
In the next instant, I felt regret over expressing joy that a man had died. It was never God’s plan to create this person so that he could become a leader in world terrorism. God’s faithfulness in loving Osama bin Laden never ended.
And yet, we know from our previous studies about God’s character that he must punish men like Osama bin Laden. God loves all people, but he also hates sin. And he promises to punish those who refuse to turn away from their sins.
Therefore, we should not be cheering over bin Laden’s death. We should be grieving, because we failed to find a way to help the man understand that God is love. Bin Laden never figured out that God wants us to love one another.
When we are suffering or sinning, God’s faithfulness endures. No matter how badly we behave, his love never ends. The same truth about God applies to the people who have hurt us…including people as evil as Osama bin Laden.
Today’s Challenge
Are there people or nations whom you believe God does not love? How does this lesson about God’s faithfulness challenge those beliefs? Take some time today to reflect about God’s faithfulness in loving you when you have been at your worst. Think about how that same faithfulness applies to the people you believe are so undeserving.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
A Good Wife is Priceless
We are learning about goodness this week in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, I would like to look at how the Bible defines a good wife, as found in Proverbs 31:10-31. Space does not permit me to copy the entire text here. Please go to your Bible or www.biblegateway.com to read it.
A good wife is a husband's best asset.
Proverbs 31:1 tells us that a good wife is worth far more than rubies. Whatever she does brings her husband added value. She never does anything to harm him.
Can we say this about ourselves? How many of us complain about our husbands' faults to our friends? Is this adding value to him or detracting from his worth?
A good wife is industrious.
Proverbs 31 tells us that a good wife is industrious. She takes care of the affairs of her household, managing meals, clothing, and the family home.
Are we handling these things as well as we could? Or is there room for improvement? Are we taking care of the things we can? Or are we sitting back and resenting our husbands for failing to take care of the bills, the car, or the house?
A good wife goes out into the world and uses money wisely. She invests to ensure outstanding returns, produces outcomes that are profitable, and still makes sure that her family gets her best.
Are we handling our money well? Or are we spending our husbands into the poorhouse?
A good husband does not inhibit his wife's growth.
I came across an article today about a jihadist group magazine known as Al-Shamikha (The Majestic Woman). It features interviews with the wives of extremist martyrs. The magazine advises women to stay indoors, because they claim that this practice promotes modesty and a good complexion.
I don't believe that such advice is godly or wise. Staying indoors keeps a woman from using her mind to earn money, to help the needy, or to learn about her rights. An ignorant, penniless woman will assuredly remain an abused woman.
What do you think about this Arabic magazine's opinion?
A good wife speaks with wisdom.
Whenever we open our mouths, Proverbs 31 tells us that wise words ought to come out. Where do we find that wisdom? In the Bible, at church, and among other mature Christians. We can also read both religious and secular materials to help us understand how to deal with relationships, our careers, our finances, and our health.
Whenever we come across something, such as the advice given in Al-Shamikha, we can compare it to the truth of God's Word. If it is in direct conflict with Biblical concepts, we must reject it. Further study of the Bible will help us to discover God's plan for becoming a good wife.
How are you doing in gaining wisdom? Are wise words coming out of your mouth, or do you frequently sound as if you ought to be an interviewee on the Jerry Springer show?
I struggle to speak words of wisdom.
I do my best to speak with wisdom, as described above. But of all my faults, the one that bothers me the most is when I say something negative to others, particularly my husband. I can see on others' faces the disappointment of having to listen to my negativity.
As a survivor of abuse, it is often easier to speak about the negative than it is the positive. At times, I know this is the voice of depression, which is a common occurrence among survivors of abuse. Even after we've dealt with the depression, the habit of speaking negatively may remain.
We can combat this problem by paying attention to the effect our words have on others. If we see that we have discouraged someone with our speech, we can try to shift the conversation to a happier topic. We can also make a mental note to avoid negativity as much as possible.
A good wife enjoys the praises of her family.
Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday. What do our husbands and children have to say about us? Are we continually striving to become the best that we can be, or have we fallen short in one of the areas above?
If we have been working hard to overcome abuse and trauma, others should be able to see our goodness in the way that we manage our homes, our work, and our relationships. The final two verses of Proverbs 31 read, Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
What kind of praise will you be receiving this Mother's Day?
Today's Challenge
Have you become your husband's greatest asset? Take a few moments today to jot down the ways that you exhibit goodness as a wife. If you're not married, think of yourself as Christ's bride. If you see gaps in your skill set as a wife, study Proverbs 31 to discover how to improve. The praise you will later receive is well worth the effort.
A good wife is a husband's best asset.
Proverbs 31:1 tells us that a good wife is worth far more than rubies. Whatever she does brings her husband added value. She never does anything to harm him.
Can we say this about ourselves? How many of us complain about our husbands' faults to our friends? Is this adding value to him or detracting from his worth?
A good wife is industrious.
Proverbs 31 tells us that a good wife is industrious. She takes care of the affairs of her household, managing meals, clothing, and the family home.
Are we handling these things as well as we could? Or is there room for improvement? Are we taking care of the things we can? Or are we sitting back and resenting our husbands for failing to take care of the bills, the car, or the house?
A good wife goes out into the world and uses money wisely. She invests to ensure outstanding returns, produces outcomes that are profitable, and still makes sure that her family gets her best.
Are we handling our money well? Or are we spending our husbands into the poorhouse?
A good husband does not inhibit his wife's growth.
I came across an article today about a jihadist group magazine known as Al-Shamikha (The Majestic Woman). It features interviews with the wives of extremist martyrs. The magazine advises women to stay indoors, because they claim that this practice promotes modesty and a good complexion.
I don't believe that such advice is godly or wise. Staying indoors keeps a woman from using her mind to earn money, to help the needy, or to learn about her rights. An ignorant, penniless woman will assuredly remain an abused woman.
What do you think about this Arabic magazine's opinion?
A good wife speaks with wisdom.
Whenever we open our mouths, Proverbs 31 tells us that wise words ought to come out. Where do we find that wisdom? In the Bible, at church, and among other mature Christians. We can also read both religious and secular materials to help us understand how to deal with relationships, our careers, our finances, and our health.
Whenever we come across something, such as the advice given in Al-Shamikha, we can compare it to the truth of God's Word. If it is in direct conflict with Biblical concepts, we must reject it. Further study of the Bible will help us to discover God's plan for becoming a good wife.
How are you doing in gaining wisdom? Are wise words coming out of your mouth, or do you frequently sound as if you ought to be an interviewee on the Jerry Springer show?
I struggle to speak words of wisdom.
I do my best to speak with wisdom, as described above. But of all my faults, the one that bothers me the most is when I say something negative to others, particularly my husband. I can see on others' faces the disappointment of having to listen to my negativity.
As a survivor of abuse, it is often easier to speak about the negative than it is the positive. At times, I know this is the voice of depression, which is a common occurrence among survivors of abuse. Even after we've dealt with the depression, the habit of speaking negatively may remain.
We can combat this problem by paying attention to the effect our words have on others. If we see that we have discouraged someone with our speech, we can try to shift the conversation to a happier topic. We can also make a mental note to avoid negativity as much as possible.
A good wife enjoys the praises of her family.
Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday. What do our husbands and children have to say about us? Are we continually striving to become the best that we can be, or have we fallen short in one of the areas above?
If we have been working hard to overcome abuse and trauma, others should be able to see our goodness in the way that we manage our homes, our work, and our relationships. The final two verses of Proverbs 31 read, Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
What kind of praise will you be receiving this Mother's Day?
Today's Challenge
Have you become your husband's greatest asset? Take a few moments today to jot down the ways that you exhibit goodness as a wife. If you're not married, think of yourself as Christ's bride. If you see gaps in your skill set as a wife, study Proverbs 31 to discover how to improve. The praise you will later receive is well worth the effort.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Do Not Withhold Good
We continue today with our thoughts about goodness as we study the fruit of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22. This is a continuation of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden.
We have the power to do good.
As victims of childhood abuse or domestic violence, we are acutely aware when there is a lack of good. Many of us experienced how it felt when the people we looked to for nurturing withheld good from us. Neglect harmed us just as much as physical blows or sexual molestation.
Proverbs 3:27 (NIV) tells us, Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. God wants us to lavish deserving people with good things, just as he showers us with blessings. Even when we don't believe that we have much to offer others, God equips us to bless them.
Good acts are often free.
We can give away so much goodness every day in simple ways. If we look for opportunities to do good for people we meet, we will undoubtedly find them. A simple smile and a warm greeting may cheer someone who is having a hard day. Taking a few moments to help an elderly neighbor, a small child, or a co-worker can make a huge difference.
Coming up with imaginative ways to do good for our spouses can strengthen our marriages. We can look for ways to tell our mates that they are special. Picking fresh flowers, giving a back rub, preparing a favorite meal, sending a card to their workplace, leaving love notes in surprising places, or filling up the car with gas without being asked are all ways to do good for our partners.
Our children may see our goodness more readily if we show up unexpectedly at school with treats for everyone in class, or take extra time to play board games, or read a little longer at bedtime.
The poor and needy need our goodness most of all.
Many church and community organizations serve the poor and needy, who need to experience God's goodness. Volunteers often become like Jesus with skin on to those who are struggling.
Our church organized a large group to go out on Christmas morning to distribute blankets to homeless people in our inner-city. It was a frigid day, and we were shivering in our warm coats, hats, and gloves.
We encountered an elderly man who was appreciative of our gift of a blanket. As we were walking away, he asked if we had any gloves. Without a moment's hesitation, one of our volunteers removed his own leather gloves and handed him to the homeless man. This provided me with a wonderful example of giving goodness whenever it is in our power to act.
How often do you say yes to requests for help?
When someone asks you for help, are you the type of person who responds immediately? Or do you generally put off others, telling them you'll think about it?
This passage from Proverbs tells us not to withhold good from those who deserve it. Of course, we must use discernment so that con artists do not take advantage of us. We can't give our kids everything they demand, or we will spoil them. But whenever it is in our power to act, we should give quickly and generously to those who are truly in need.
Perhaps we will be the one person who gives good to an abused child or a battered woman. We may extend goodness at a time when victims of abuse or trauma have lost all hope.
In the past week, many of our southern states were torn apart by mile-wide tornadoes. Joe and I drove through some of those areas today, and we were taken aback by the damage we observed. Surely, victims of such disasters deserve our swift responses so that they will know God has not forgotten them.
Today's Challenge
Look for opportunities today to do something good for others. If they are deserving, give swiftly and generously. In doing so, someone may see for the first time the goodness of God through you.
We have the power to do good.
As victims of childhood abuse or domestic violence, we are acutely aware when there is a lack of good. Many of us experienced how it felt when the people we looked to for nurturing withheld good from us. Neglect harmed us just as much as physical blows or sexual molestation.
Proverbs 3:27 (NIV) tells us, Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. God wants us to lavish deserving people with good things, just as he showers us with blessings. Even when we don't believe that we have much to offer others, God equips us to bless them.
Good acts are often free.
We can give away so much goodness every day in simple ways. If we look for opportunities to do good for people we meet, we will undoubtedly find them. A simple smile and a warm greeting may cheer someone who is having a hard day. Taking a few moments to help an elderly neighbor, a small child, or a co-worker can make a huge difference.
Coming up with imaginative ways to do good for our spouses can strengthen our marriages. We can look for ways to tell our mates that they are special. Picking fresh flowers, giving a back rub, preparing a favorite meal, sending a card to their workplace, leaving love notes in surprising places, or filling up the car with gas without being asked are all ways to do good for our partners.
Our children may see our goodness more readily if we show up unexpectedly at school with treats for everyone in class, or take extra time to play board games, or read a little longer at bedtime.
The poor and needy need our goodness most of all.
Many church and community organizations serve the poor and needy, who need to experience God's goodness. Volunteers often become like Jesus with skin on to those who are struggling.
Our church organized a large group to go out on Christmas morning to distribute blankets to homeless people in our inner-city. It was a frigid day, and we were shivering in our warm coats, hats, and gloves.
We encountered an elderly man who was appreciative of our gift of a blanket. As we were walking away, he asked if we had any gloves. Without a moment's hesitation, one of our volunteers removed his own leather gloves and handed him to the homeless man. This provided me with a wonderful example of giving goodness whenever it is in our power to act.
How often do you say yes to requests for help?
When someone asks you for help, are you the type of person who responds immediately? Or do you generally put off others, telling them you'll think about it?
This passage from Proverbs tells us not to withhold good from those who deserve it. Of course, we must use discernment so that con artists do not take advantage of us. We can't give our kids everything they demand, or we will spoil them. But whenever it is in our power to act, we should give quickly and generously to those who are truly in need.
Perhaps we will be the one person who gives good to an abused child or a battered woman. We may extend goodness at a time when victims of abuse or trauma have lost all hope.
In the past week, many of our southern states were torn apart by mile-wide tornadoes. Joe and I drove through some of those areas today, and we were taken aback by the damage we observed. Surely, victims of such disasters deserve our swift responses so that they will know God has not forgotten them.
Today's Challenge
Look for opportunities today to do something good for others. If they are deserving, give swiftly and generously. In doing so, someone may see for the first time the goodness of God through you.
Monday, May 2, 2011
From Evil to Good
This week, we will be learning about goodness, which is one of the fruits of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22. It reads, But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. We are currently in the sixth week of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden.
We were the victims of evil.
When others mistreated us and used our bodies for their own perverse pleasures, we found ourselves the victims of evil. Many times, we were told that childhood sexual abuse or marital sexual abuse was love, but it was not true. Mankind often labels evil as good, which causes tremendous confusion within our minds and spirits.
Love is good. Evil never is. The prophet Isaiah warned God's people against this practice of calling evil good. He wrote, Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter. (Isaiah 5:20 NIV)
Mankind calls many evil things good.
We are surrounded today by evil things that our culture labels as good. Women's rights activists claim that abortion is good, because it gives a woman better choices. From an ethical perspective, this argument takes the outcome (freedom from the burden of raising a child) to justify the means (murder of an unborn child).
There are many other examples of people using the ends to justify the means. Whenever we look at these situations, there is always controversy.
Dr. Kivorkian wanted to free people from pain, so he helped them to commit suicide. When plantation owners wanted to capitalize on their crops here in the US 200 years ago, they captured men and women from Africa and enslaved them. Wars have been started over this issue of calling evil good. In all such unethical situations, someone called evil good, and mankind bought the lie.
God uses evil to save people.
The Bible tells the story of one of God's greatest heroes. Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers while he was still a young boy. When he arrived in Egypt, he found himself serving the Pharaoh. Just when things were looking up, the queen accused Joseph of assaulting her. He got thrown into prison, but because he had a gift of interpreting dreams, he was able to make his way back into the Pharaoh's good graces.
A famine struck the entire Middle East, and Joseph discovered his own brothers one day at his feet, begging for food. He held such power over them, they were terrified. They expected him to have them thrown into prison forever, but instead, he forgave them.
He said to his brothers, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Gen 50:19-20 NIV)
Sometimes, we find ourselves at the mercy of evil people, just as Joseph did. We may go for years on end without relief. But then we get a break, and we suddenly see why God allowed our suffering. That's when we realize that mankind may set out to do evil to us, but God will use it for our good.
Today's Challenge
What evil things have you been experiencing? If you're in the midst of a lot of conflict, keep looking up. God will turn things around in your favor eventually, and you'll understand how he intended the evil for your good.
We were the victims of evil.
When others mistreated us and used our bodies for their own perverse pleasures, we found ourselves the victims of evil. Many times, we were told that childhood sexual abuse or marital sexual abuse was love, but it was not true. Mankind often labels evil as good, which causes tremendous confusion within our minds and spirits.
Love is good. Evil never is. The prophet Isaiah warned God's people against this practice of calling evil good. He wrote, Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter. (Isaiah 5:20 NIV)
Mankind calls many evil things good.
We are surrounded today by evil things that our culture labels as good. Women's rights activists claim that abortion is good, because it gives a woman better choices. From an ethical perspective, this argument takes the outcome (freedom from the burden of raising a child) to justify the means (murder of an unborn child).
There are many other examples of people using the ends to justify the means. Whenever we look at these situations, there is always controversy.
Dr. Kivorkian wanted to free people from pain, so he helped them to commit suicide. When plantation owners wanted to capitalize on their crops here in the US 200 years ago, they captured men and women from Africa and enslaved them. Wars have been started over this issue of calling evil good. In all such unethical situations, someone called evil good, and mankind bought the lie.
God uses evil to save people.
The Bible tells the story of one of God's greatest heroes. Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers while he was still a young boy. When he arrived in Egypt, he found himself serving the Pharaoh. Just when things were looking up, the queen accused Joseph of assaulting her. He got thrown into prison, but because he had a gift of interpreting dreams, he was able to make his way back into the Pharaoh's good graces.
A famine struck the entire Middle East, and Joseph discovered his own brothers one day at his feet, begging for food. He held such power over them, they were terrified. They expected him to have them thrown into prison forever, but instead, he forgave them.
He said to his brothers, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Gen 50:19-20 NIV)
Sometimes, we find ourselves at the mercy of evil people, just as Joseph did. We may go for years on end without relief. But then we get a break, and we suddenly see why God allowed our suffering. That's when we realize that mankind may set out to do evil to us, but God will use it for our good.
Today's Challenge
What evil things have you been experiencing? If you're in the midst of a lot of conflict, keep looking up. God will turn things around in your favor eventually, and you'll understand how he intended the evil for your good.
Friday, April 29, 2011
God is Kind When He Disciplines Us
We conclude this week with one final lesson on kindness. This is a continuation of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. It is based on the fruit of the Spirit, found in Galatians 5:22. Next week, we will learn about goodness.
God's kindness often goes together with discipline.
We have learned this week that God is kind. He cares for us when we are in trouble, and he shows us kindnesses when we don't deserve it. We must remember, however, that God is not lopsidedly kind, no matter what. If we break his commands, we can count on being disciplined, but we can be sure that God will sprinkle in a little kindness with the upbraiding.
Romans 11:21 (MSG) reads, If God didn't think twice about taking pruning shears to the natural branches, why would he hesitate over you? He wouldn't give it a second thought. Make sure you stay alert to these qualities of gentle kindness and ruthless severity that exist side by side in God—ruthless with the deadwood, gentle with the grafted shoot. But don't presume on this gentleness. The moment you become deadwood, you're out of there.
This passage points out the importance of remaining true to God's Word by acting in ways that are acceptable to him. If we claim to be Christians, but we act as if we know nothing about God's commands, we'll become deadwood that he'll prune away and throw into the fire.
If we have received the Holy Spirit through belief in Christ and baptism, the Spirit will lead us to want to please God. A person who is walking with God in truth shows by his outward behavior that he belongs to God. People who have not received the Spirit struggle to behave well, because our human nature drives us to sin.
Are you a grafted shoot, firmly rooted in God's ways or deadwood at risk of being burned in the fire?
Our kindness toward our own children must include discipline, too.
As parents, we know that showing our children only kindnesses will inevitably result in kids who are spoiled brats. There is an old saying that good leaders/parents rule with an iron fist in a velvet glove. In other words, we must be firm with our children and discipline them when necessary. But we must also love them and show them kindnesses so that they won't become discouraged by the discipline.
As survivors of abuse, many of us grew up with only harsh discipline or very little of the kindnesses. Don't make the common mistake of going overboard with your children, spoiling them and withholding discipline. Discipline is not the same as abuse, even though it may have felt like that to us when we were small.
Today's Challenge
Consider times when God has disciplined you. What kindnesses did he show you while he was correcting you? How have you been disciplining your own children? If you've been harsh, begin adding in a little kindness along the way. If you've been too lenient, step up the discipline.
God's kindness often goes together with discipline.
We have learned this week that God is kind. He cares for us when we are in trouble, and he shows us kindnesses when we don't deserve it. We must remember, however, that God is not lopsidedly kind, no matter what. If we break his commands, we can count on being disciplined, but we can be sure that God will sprinkle in a little kindness with the upbraiding.
Romans 11:21 (MSG) reads, If God didn't think twice about taking pruning shears to the natural branches, why would he hesitate over you? He wouldn't give it a second thought. Make sure you stay alert to these qualities of gentle kindness and ruthless severity that exist side by side in God—ruthless with the deadwood, gentle with the grafted shoot. But don't presume on this gentleness. The moment you become deadwood, you're out of there.
This passage points out the importance of remaining true to God's Word by acting in ways that are acceptable to him. If we claim to be Christians, but we act as if we know nothing about God's commands, we'll become deadwood that he'll prune away and throw into the fire.
If we have received the Holy Spirit through belief in Christ and baptism, the Spirit will lead us to want to please God. A person who is walking with God in truth shows by his outward behavior that he belongs to God. People who have not received the Spirit struggle to behave well, because our human nature drives us to sin.
Are you a grafted shoot, firmly rooted in God's ways or deadwood at risk of being burned in the fire?
Our kindness toward our own children must include discipline, too.
As parents, we know that showing our children only kindnesses will inevitably result in kids who are spoiled brats. There is an old saying that good leaders/parents rule with an iron fist in a velvet glove. In other words, we must be firm with our children and discipline them when necessary. But we must also love them and show them kindnesses so that they won't become discouraged by the discipline.
As survivors of abuse, many of us grew up with only harsh discipline or very little of the kindnesses. Don't make the common mistake of going overboard with your children, spoiling them and withholding discipline. Discipline is not the same as abuse, even though it may have felt like that to us when we were small.
Today's Challenge
Consider times when God has disciplined you. What kindnesses did he show you while he was correcting you? How have you been disciplining your own children? If you've been harsh, begin adding in a little kindness along the way. If you've been too lenient, step up the discipline.
Monday, April 25, 2011
The Lord is Kind to Us
We continue with our series, Thriving in God's Garden, with a look this week into kindness. Today, I'd like to focus on God's kindness toward us.
Because God loves us, he is kind to us.
In order to learn how to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control--we must first look to God, who models these attributes for us.
Isaiah 63:7 (NIV) reads, I will tell of the kindnesses of the Lord, the deeds for which he is to be praised, according to all the Lord has done for us... If someone were to ask us if God has been kind to us, how might we answer?
Victims often fail to see God's kindnesses.
Sometimes, victims of abuse and trauma develop a very negative attitude toward God. They become angry with him and claim that he doesn't care what happens to anyone. While bad things may happen, it is because we live in a fallen world, filled with sinners. It is not because God doesn't care.
When we are sad, God understands. Just because our circumstances may make us feel as if no one cares, God always does. He never, ever stops loving us.
I am blessed by God's kindness.
God has been unbelievably kind to me all my life. Even though I suffered childhood sexual abuse, marital abuse, and many illnesses and injuries, God has showered me with kindness.
Although I was born into a very dysfunctional, abusive family, God did not overlook my need for loving and nurturing. He provided it in the form of wonderful neighbors who took me in as if I were one of their own.
One of my sister's friends took me to church when I was five years old, and a nursery volunteer there told me about Jesus. They planted seeds that grew into belief, which led me to surrender my life to Christ. Today, God does not see my sins when he looks at me, because they are hidden by Christ's blood.
When I was diagnosed with stage four cancer, God was unbelievably kind. I begged him for more time to raise my children, and he pulled off a miracle. I was healed of the cancer that was supposed to kill me within months..19 years ago.
When my first marriage fell apart, God remembered me again. He sent Joe Denton into my life to teach me what it really means to have a relationship with Christ, not just a religion. With Joe, I have safety and peace as I have never before experienced at home.
My life has been touched by countless people who have loved me when I have not always been easy to love. Friends have stood by me through MS exacerbations, surgeries, and auto accidents. All of these people, I am certain, were sent to me by God. They are his expression of kindness.
Has God been kind to you?
It's hard to think about God's kindesses toward us if we are unaware of them. When we realize his many acts of loving kindness, it's impossible not to praise him as Isaiah did in the above Bible passage. How has he blessed you?
Today's Challenge
Write down the many ways that God has blessed you, even at times when you were suffering. Find a way to thank him through prayer, song, or sharing your story with someone else.
Because God loves us, he is kind to us.
In order to learn how to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control--we must first look to God, who models these attributes for us.
Isaiah 63:7 (NIV) reads, I will tell of the kindnesses of the Lord, the deeds for which he is to be praised, according to all the Lord has done for us... If someone were to ask us if God has been kind to us, how might we answer?
Victims often fail to see God's kindnesses.
Sometimes, victims of abuse and trauma develop a very negative attitude toward God. They become angry with him and claim that he doesn't care what happens to anyone. While bad things may happen, it is because we live in a fallen world, filled with sinners. It is not because God doesn't care.
When we are sad, God understands. Just because our circumstances may make us feel as if no one cares, God always does. He never, ever stops loving us.
I am blessed by God's kindness.
God has been unbelievably kind to me all my life. Even though I suffered childhood sexual abuse, marital abuse, and many illnesses and injuries, God has showered me with kindness.
Although I was born into a very dysfunctional, abusive family, God did not overlook my need for loving and nurturing. He provided it in the form of wonderful neighbors who took me in as if I were one of their own.
One of my sister's friends took me to church when I was five years old, and a nursery volunteer there told me about Jesus. They planted seeds that grew into belief, which led me to surrender my life to Christ. Today, God does not see my sins when he looks at me, because they are hidden by Christ's blood.
When I was diagnosed with stage four cancer, God was unbelievably kind. I begged him for more time to raise my children, and he pulled off a miracle. I was healed of the cancer that was supposed to kill me within months..19 years ago.
When my first marriage fell apart, God remembered me again. He sent Joe Denton into my life to teach me what it really means to have a relationship with Christ, not just a religion. With Joe, I have safety and peace as I have never before experienced at home.
My life has been touched by countless people who have loved me when I have not always been easy to love. Friends have stood by me through MS exacerbations, surgeries, and auto accidents. All of these people, I am certain, were sent to me by God. They are his expression of kindness.
Has God been kind to you?
It's hard to think about God's kindesses toward us if we are unaware of them. When we realize his many acts of loving kindness, it's impossible not to praise him as Isaiah did in the above Bible passage. How has he blessed you?
Today's Challenge
Write down the many ways that God has blessed you, even at times when you were suffering. Find a way to thank him through prayer, song, or sharing your story with someone else.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Developing Patience in Affliction
We are learning about patience this week as we continue with my series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study is based on Galatians 5:22, known as the fruit of the Spirit.
Be patient in affliction.
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:12 (NIV), Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. We've already learned how to increase our joy, and we're going to look at faithfulness in a few weeks. For today, I'd like to focus on being patient during times of affliction.
As survivors of abuse or trauma, most of us have a pretty good idea what it means to be afflicted. Abuse and trauma leave us with anger, fear, lack of trust, poor self-esteem, guilt, thoughts of revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. So how are we supposed to be patient while dealing with these problems?
Affliction can help us to develop patience.
Several years ago, I suffered from an illness that caused complete paralysis of my left arm and leg. My arm began functioning again relatively quickly, but my leg took months.
Paralysis meant that I spent months on end, lying in bed at home by myself while Joe and the kids went off during the day to work and school. Staring at my bedroom walls nearly drove me insane. I finally discovered two things that helped.
First, God's Word helped me to focus on his promises for my future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) was especially helpful: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I put all of my hope in this promise for a better future.
Second, creating a new purpose for myself made a big difference. I got a laptop and began writing short stories just to entertain myself.
One Sunday morning, a man I had never met approached me in my wheelchair to ask if he could pray for me. While he was wheeling me out of church after services to help me get in my car, he asked how I spent my time. When I told him I was a writer, he offered me a job on the spot as an editor for one of the medical journals that he published.
Don't dwell on the pain.
No matter what type of afflicton we are dealing with, we must trust that God has a better future for us. If we are patient and look to him for guidance, he will line up the right people at the right time so that doors open for us unexpectedly.
So, be patient if you're suffering through a hard time right now. God knows what plans he has for you. Read his promises and find something to occupy your mind until he brings about a change for the better.
Today's Challenge
If you're stuck in a difficult situation, find something productive to do that will take your mind off the pain. Follow your heart's desire in choosing a new activity, and God will do something good with it.
Be patient in affliction.
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:12 (NIV), Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. We've already learned how to increase our joy, and we're going to look at faithfulness in a few weeks. For today, I'd like to focus on being patient during times of affliction.
As survivors of abuse or trauma, most of us have a pretty good idea what it means to be afflicted. Abuse and trauma leave us with anger, fear, lack of trust, poor self-esteem, guilt, thoughts of revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. So how are we supposed to be patient while dealing with these problems?
Affliction can help us to develop patience.
Several years ago, I suffered from an illness that caused complete paralysis of my left arm and leg. My arm began functioning again relatively quickly, but my leg took months.
Paralysis meant that I spent months on end, lying in bed at home by myself while Joe and the kids went off during the day to work and school. Staring at my bedroom walls nearly drove me insane. I finally discovered two things that helped.
First, God's Word helped me to focus on his promises for my future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) was especially helpful: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I put all of my hope in this promise for a better future.
Second, creating a new purpose for myself made a big difference. I got a laptop and began writing short stories just to entertain myself.
One Sunday morning, a man I had never met approached me in my wheelchair to ask if he could pray for me. While he was wheeling me out of church after services to help me get in my car, he asked how I spent my time. When I told him I was a writer, he offered me a job on the spot as an editor for one of the medical journals that he published.
Don't dwell on the pain.
No matter what type of afflicton we are dealing with, we must trust that God has a better future for us. If we are patient and look to him for guidance, he will line up the right people at the right time so that doors open for us unexpectedly.
So, be patient if you're suffering through a hard time right now. God knows what plans he has for you. Read his promises and find something to occupy your mind until he brings about a change for the better.
Today's Challenge
If you're stuck in a difficult situation, find something productive to do that will take your mind off the pain. Follow your heart's desire in choosing a new activity, and God will do something good with it.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Patience Grows with Wisdom
We begin week four of our nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study is based on Galatians 5:22, which is commonly known as the fruit of the Spirit. Today, I would like to look at how wisdom affects our ability to develop patience.
Got wisdom?
When we develop wisdom and the maturity to use it to deal with life's challenges, we also develop patience. Proverbs 29:11 (NIV) tells us, A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays his folly.
Allow me to illustrate what this passage of Scripture means. We have a new puppy in our house, a toy poodle named Zibby. I have never owned a toy breed before, so I spent her first weeks reading everything I could find.
I discovered that while most dogs can be housebroken and left for a number of hours at home alone without accidents, toy dogs cannot. Their bladders are about the size of a kidney bean, and they rarely acquire the ability to wait for hours on end to go potty.
If I didn't learn this about my dog, I might have expectations for her housebreaking that would be unfair to her. But, since I have gained understanding about her, I am more patient with her. I don't yell at her if she has an accident, and I don't leave her alone for more than a few hours.
Strive for understanding in your relationships.
Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) reads, A man's wisdom gives him patience. In other words, we must apply ourselves to learning more if we want to become more patient people.
Just as I learned about my dog's development, we can all learn a little something about the people who live with us or in our neighborhoods. Studying child development may help us to understand our children's limitations or the phases our teens are struggling to overcome.
Reading or attending seminars about marriage can be very helpful in developing patience with our spouses. Every spouse has strengths and weaknesses, and we can learn to be more patient with them if we understand what their limitations are.
We may grow in wisdom and patience if we study a little bit about our neighbors who come from cultures which are different from our own. I have learned a great deal by reading about and meeting people from other countries. Taking the time to listen to them, in spite of the language barriers that we face, has helped me to understand them and patiently wait for them to express themselves.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who needs your understanding today? A child? A teen? A spouse? A neighbor? A coworker? Take some time to gain some wisdom about them, and watch your patience grow.
Got wisdom?
When we develop wisdom and the maturity to use it to deal with life's challenges, we also develop patience. Proverbs 29:11 (NIV) tells us, A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays his folly.
Allow me to illustrate what this passage of Scripture means. We have a new puppy in our house, a toy poodle named Zibby. I have never owned a toy breed before, so I spent her first weeks reading everything I could find.
I discovered that while most dogs can be housebroken and left for a number of hours at home alone without accidents, toy dogs cannot. Their bladders are about the size of a kidney bean, and they rarely acquire the ability to wait for hours on end to go potty.
If I didn't learn this about my dog, I might have expectations for her housebreaking that would be unfair to her. But, since I have gained understanding about her, I am more patient with her. I don't yell at her if she has an accident, and I don't leave her alone for more than a few hours.
Strive for understanding in your relationships.
Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) reads, A man's wisdom gives him patience. In other words, we must apply ourselves to learning more if we want to become more patient people.
Just as I learned about my dog's development, we can all learn a little something about the people who live with us or in our neighborhoods. Studying child development may help us to understand our children's limitations or the phases our teens are struggling to overcome.
Reading or attending seminars about marriage can be very helpful in developing patience with our spouses. Every spouse has strengths and weaknesses, and we can learn to be more patient with them if we understand what their limitations are.
We may grow in wisdom and patience if we study a little bit about our neighbors who come from cultures which are different from our own. I have learned a great deal by reading about and meeting people from other countries. Taking the time to listen to them, in spite of the language barriers that we face, has helped me to understand them and patiently wait for them to express themselves.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who needs your understanding today? A child? A teen? A spouse? A neighbor? A coworker? Take some time to gain some wisdom about them, and watch your patience grow.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Conflict is the Absence of Peace
We will be learning this week about how to achieve peace in our ongoing series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study is based on the fruit of the Spirit, which is found in Galatians 5:22 (NIV): But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentlenesss and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Got peace?
Before we talk about how to achieve peace, I would like to address what happens when we have an absence of it. Because if we have a disagreement with someone, it can affect everything we do.
If we allow a conflict to go on without speaking our peace, forgiving one another, and reconciling; we can get stuck in a very uncomfortable place. We may find ourselves dreaming about the problem, thinking about the disagreement instead of working, and suffering from depression and physical ailments. We know that we must settle the problem so that we can get back to the business of living.
Some disagreements are relatively easy to settle. When we say something that our spouse takes the wrong way, and he lashes back in defense mode, all it takes is a short discussion to get things back on track.
But when our disagreement involves something as serious as childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or criminal acts; it is much more difficult to achieve a sense of inner peace. We long for an opportunity to settle the matter so that we can begin our lives over again.
God knows the way to peace.
God's Word reminds us that he desires peace for us, but we get ourselves into situations where we can never achieve it. Isaiah 48:17-22 (NIV) reads:
This is what the Lord says--your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendents would have been like the sand, your children like its numberless grains; their name would never be cut off nor destroyed from before me."
Leave Babylon, flee from the Babylonians! Announce this with shouts of joy and proclaim it out to the ends of the earth; say, 'The Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob.' They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts; he made water flow for them from the rock; he split the rock and water gushed out. "There is no peace" says the Lord, "for the wicked."
God knows when we have strayed into wrong relationships, and he will lead us away from them to a place of safety if we trust him. Just as he told the Israelites of long ago to flee from the wicked Babylonians, he is telling us today to flee from wicked people. With them, there can never be peace.
Go to a peaceful place.
If we find ourselves in situations where people are continuing to abuse us or commit crimes against us, we cannot find the lasting peace God wants us to have there. We must find a peaceful place where we can work on restoring our souls.
Sometimes, we are not in a position to remove ourselves from the house or apartment that we share with an abusive partner. In cases like this, finding a little space where we find peace can be a good beginning.
In my first marriage, I discovered a place of safety in the bonus room over our garage. I bought a dead-bolt lock, installed it on the door, and barricaded myself in that room at night so that I could sleep. In my sanctuary, I had time to think about other things besides defending myself against further abuse.
When we find ourselves living like this, our first thoughts should be about how we are going to move to a place of peace. I considered going to a safe house, but doing so would have created tremendous upheaval for my children.
I met women during this time in my life who were running with their children from one safe house to the next. They were terrified of being caught by their abusers, and they lived like criminals on the run. Sadly, the government often treats such abused women as kidnappers when their spouses file charges against them for denying them access to the children.
And when the situation really escalates out of control, women on the run are found dead...murdered by their abusers. I was shocked when I discovered that one of the women in my discussion group had been killed by her husband. He had beaten her to a pulp, and when she tried to run, he drove over her with the family car.
Statistics tell us that 70 percent of women who try to leave abusive relationships are murdered. This is a sobering number, and it ought to make us think hard about how we are going to remove ourselves and our children safely.
Get help.
It is best to enlist the aid of a professional therapist and the police when attempting to leave an abusive relationship. The therapist bolsters our courage, and the police keep an eye on the abuser.
Before leaving, it is imperative to file for a restraining order. This is a court order that is free and relatively easy to obtain. In my state, all I had to do was prove that my abuser had harmed me twice within a span of two weeks.
The proof can be hand-written documentation of threats, photos of injuries, receipts from emergency room treatments, recordings of telephone messages, and so on. The court tends to err on the side of the person claiming the abuse, because people's lives are at stake.
Eventually, there must be a hearing to prove these claims, so this is where the therapist is helpful. It can be terrifying to face an abuser in court, but there are many supportive people who can stand by us in the process.
Conflict leaves many scars.
Achieving a sense of peace takes a long time after surviving an abusive relationship. For years afterward, we may find ourselves looking over our shoulders, expecting our abusers to be following us home.
We often develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of the terror that we have experienced, both within the relationship and after it has ended. It may take us 10 to 20 years to overcome the trauma, provided we have the right therapist helping us. Without help, we may never recover.
It is impossible to achieve a sense of peace if we live in abusive or highly conflicted relationships. I pray that my readers will take action if they find themselves in such a place. Tomorrow, we will look at how to create new lives for ourselves that provide us with more than basic safety.
Today's Challenge
If you are living in an abusive relationship, take steps today to provide yourself and your children with a safe haven. Call or visit a women's shelter for advice on how to safely leave. Take action by making a commitment to meet regularly with a therapist who is well-trained in assisting abused women.
Subscribe to Hope Among the Ashes
To place my posts on your email home page, click on the link on the right side of the page that reads Subscribe to Hope Among the Ashes. Select your email host from the drop-down menu, and you'll receive a daily reminder when I post something new.
Got peace?
Before we talk about how to achieve peace, I would like to address what happens when we have an absence of it. Because if we have a disagreement with someone, it can affect everything we do.
If we allow a conflict to go on without speaking our peace, forgiving one another, and reconciling; we can get stuck in a very uncomfortable place. We may find ourselves dreaming about the problem, thinking about the disagreement instead of working, and suffering from depression and physical ailments. We know that we must settle the problem so that we can get back to the business of living.
Some disagreements are relatively easy to settle. When we say something that our spouse takes the wrong way, and he lashes back in defense mode, all it takes is a short discussion to get things back on track.
But when our disagreement involves something as serious as childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or criminal acts; it is much more difficult to achieve a sense of inner peace. We long for an opportunity to settle the matter so that we can begin our lives over again.
God knows the way to peace.
God's Word reminds us that he desires peace for us, but we get ourselves into situations where we can never achieve it. Isaiah 48:17-22 (NIV) reads:
This is what the Lord says--your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendents would have been like the sand, your children like its numberless grains; their name would never be cut off nor destroyed from before me."
Leave Babylon, flee from the Babylonians! Announce this with shouts of joy and proclaim it out to the ends of the earth; say, 'The Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob.' They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts; he made water flow for them from the rock; he split the rock and water gushed out. "There is no peace" says the Lord, "for the wicked."
God knows when we have strayed into wrong relationships, and he will lead us away from them to a place of safety if we trust him. Just as he told the Israelites of long ago to flee from the wicked Babylonians, he is telling us today to flee from wicked people. With them, there can never be peace.
Go to a peaceful place.
If we find ourselves in situations where people are continuing to abuse us or commit crimes against us, we cannot find the lasting peace God wants us to have there. We must find a peaceful place where we can work on restoring our souls.
Sometimes, we are not in a position to remove ourselves from the house or apartment that we share with an abusive partner. In cases like this, finding a little space where we find peace can be a good beginning.
In my first marriage, I discovered a place of safety in the bonus room over our garage. I bought a dead-bolt lock, installed it on the door, and barricaded myself in that room at night so that I could sleep. In my sanctuary, I had time to think about other things besides defending myself against further abuse.
When we find ourselves living like this, our first thoughts should be about how we are going to move to a place of peace. I considered going to a safe house, but doing so would have created tremendous upheaval for my children.
I met women during this time in my life who were running with their children from one safe house to the next. They were terrified of being caught by their abusers, and they lived like criminals on the run. Sadly, the government often treats such abused women as kidnappers when their spouses file charges against them for denying them access to the children.
And when the situation really escalates out of control, women on the run are found dead...murdered by their abusers. I was shocked when I discovered that one of the women in my discussion group had been killed by her husband. He had beaten her to a pulp, and when she tried to run, he drove over her with the family car.
Statistics tell us that 70 percent of women who try to leave abusive relationships are murdered. This is a sobering number, and it ought to make us think hard about how we are going to remove ourselves and our children safely.
Get help.
It is best to enlist the aid of a professional therapist and the police when attempting to leave an abusive relationship. The therapist bolsters our courage, and the police keep an eye on the abuser.
Before leaving, it is imperative to file for a restraining order. This is a court order that is free and relatively easy to obtain. In my state, all I had to do was prove that my abuser had harmed me twice within a span of two weeks.
The proof can be hand-written documentation of threats, photos of injuries, receipts from emergency room treatments, recordings of telephone messages, and so on. The court tends to err on the side of the person claiming the abuse, because people's lives are at stake.
Eventually, there must be a hearing to prove these claims, so this is where the therapist is helpful. It can be terrifying to face an abuser in court, but there are many supportive people who can stand by us in the process.
Conflict leaves many scars.
Achieving a sense of peace takes a long time after surviving an abusive relationship. For years afterward, we may find ourselves looking over our shoulders, expecting our abusers to be following us home.
We often develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of the terror that we have experienced, both within the relationship and after it has ended. It may take us 10 to 20 years to overcome the trauma, provided we have the right therapist helping us. Without help, we may never recover.
It is impossible to achieve a sense of peace if we live in abusive or highly conflicted relationships. I pray that my readers will take action if they find themselves in such a place. Tomorrow, we will look at how to create new lives for ourselves that provide us with more than basic safety.
Today's Challenge
If you are living in an abusive relationship, take steps today to provide yourself and your children with a safe haven. Call or visit a women's shelter for advice on how to safely leave. Take action by making a commitment to meet regularly with a therapist who is well-trained in assisting abused women.
Subscribe to Hope Among the Ashes
To place my posts on your email home page, click on the link on the right side of the page that reads Subscribe to Hope Among the Ashes. Select your email host from the drop-down menu, and you'll receive a daily reminder when I post something new.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
God's Joy Sustains Us Through Hard Times
We continue this week with thoughts about joy in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Yesterday, we learned that we find joy when we develop a relationship with God. Today, we consider how our joy may decrease during hard times.
God's joy sustains us through hard times.
After we have left an abusive relationship and struck out on our own, we may still encounter hardships. Having the faith to follow God does not guarantee that our lives will become nothing but sunshine and roses.
Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NIV) reminds us that there will be hard times. But it also points out that God will still be our source of joy when those times come:
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Our level of joy can rise and fall.
After I divorced my first husband, I felt relieved to be freed from so many years of abuse. But, I also struggled with difficulties that threatened to steal my joy. For the first time in years, I had a full-time job. I felt completely overwhelmed by a workload that should have been shared by three people.
My children were thrust into the world of the latch-key bunch, and they endured battles of their own. My son got knocked off his bicycle on his way to school by a hit-and-run driver and ended up with a broken wrist. All of the kids struggled with the inevitable adjustments that go along with divorce and relocation.
The life changes we were experiencing caused all of the children and me a great deal of pain, and at the time, we weren't exactly whistling Dixie over it. During hard times, our joy may decrease for a while. But if we have a solid relationship with God, we can learn how to restore our joy.
Gratitude helps us to restore our joy.
When I looked back later at incidents, such as my son's broken wrist, I began to understand that knowing God made things a little easier. I thanked him for resolving problems for us and providing for our needs. Whenever I thanked God, I felt a little happier. And suddenly, for the first time in my life, I began to connect gratitude with joy.
If we look up joy in the Bible, we can find countless verses where thankfulness and joy go hand in hand. Many of the Psalms are based on this combination. Psalm 21:1 (NIV) reads, O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength. How great is his joy in the victories you give! Giving God thanks for our daily victories fills us with joy, even when life is difficult.
So, we know that leaving behind abusive, neglectful relationships can increase our joy. And relying on God to restore our joy, both in good times and in bad, is the best source of renewal. Tomorrow, we will look at ways that we can express our joy to God.
Today's Challenge
Are you going through a hard time right now? God promises to restore your joy. Look in his Word for references to joy and thank him, as the psalmist did, for your daily victories.
God's joy sustains us through hard times.
After we have left an abusive relationship and struck out on our own, we may still encounter hardships. Having the faith to follow God does not guarantee that our lives will become nothing but sunshine and roses.
Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NIV) reminds us that there will be hard times. But it also points out that God will still be our source of joy when those times come:
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Our level of joy can rise and fall.
After I divorced my first husband, I felt relieved to be freed from so many years of abuse. But, I also struggled with difficulties that threatened to steal my joy. For the first time in years, I had a full-time job. I felt completely overwhelmed by a workload that should have been shared by three people.
My children were thrust into the world of the latch-key bunch, and they endured battles of their own. My son got knocked off his bicycle on his way to school by a hit-and-run driver and ended up with a broken wrist. All of the kids struggled with the inevitable adjustments that go along with divorce and relocation.
The life changes we were experiencing caused all of the children and me a great deal of pain, and at the time, we weren't exactly whistling Dixie over it. During hard times, our joy may decrease for a while. But if we have a solid relationship with God, we can learn how to restore our joy.
Gratitude helps us to restore our joy.
When I looked back later at incidents, such as my son's broken wrist, I began to understand that knowing God made things a little easier. I thanked him for resolving problems for us and providing for our needs. Whenever I thanked God, I felt a little happier. And suddenly, for the first time in my life, I began to connect gratitude with joy.
If we look up joy in the Bible, we can find countless verses where thankfulness and joy go hand in hand. Many of the Psalms are based on this combination. Psalm 21:1 (NIV) reads, O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength. How great is his joy in the victories you give! Giving God thanks for our daily victories fills us with joy, even when life is difficult.
So, we know that leaving behind abusive, neglectful relationships can increase our joy. And relying on God to restore our joy, both in good times and in bad, is the best source of renewal. Tomorrow, we will look at ways that we can express our joy to God.
Today's Challenge
Are you going through a hard time right now? God promises to restore your joy. Look in his Word for references to joy and thank him, as the psalmist did, for your daily victories.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Love Your Enemies
We continue today with our series, Thriving in God's Garden, a study based on the fruit of the Spirit as described in Galatians 5:22. This week, we are learning about our love relationship with God and with others. Today, I would like to discuss how we can love our enemies.
What does the Bible say about love for our enemies?
Luke 6:27-28 (NIV) reads: But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Jesus spoke these words to his disciples to make three points:
1) We should never treat others spitefully, even when they abuse us;
2) We should love everyone; and
3) We should go the extra mile to express love to our enemies.
How can we protect ourselves from further abuse?
When I used to read this passage, my warning signals began going off. I knew that if I expressed love in practical ways to the abusive people in my life, they would come after me like a pack of wolves on an injured sheep.
We often mistakenly interpret this message to mean that we must put ourselves into a relationship with people who abuse us. This is not what Jesus meant. We can love them from a distance, and Jesus gave us examples of how we might do that.
Show your enemies your love in appropriate ways.
For women who have been victims of domestic violence or adults who suffered childhood sexual abuse, expressing love to their abusers can be difficult. But it is not impossible.
First, let me say that there are ways to express love to abusers that I would not recommend. If your expression of love results in your abuser verbally abusing you, emotionally destroying you at every opportunity, physically harming you, or taking advantage of you sexually for their own gratification; you should immediately remove yourself and any children from such a situation. Every individual's emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual safety must be considered first.
Many abusers do not have the skills to live within a relationship without hurting or using others. Therefore, we must be careful to protect ourselves when we express love to them. If we are kind to them, and in return we receive more abuse, it may be time to step back and wait. In some cases, our abusers may never respond appropriately, but at least we can say we have tried.
When we are in a safe place and free from further abuse, we can find ways to express love to that person who hurt us. From a human perspective, this can feel impossible. But if we pray and ask Jesus to help us love, we may be surprised by what happens.
At first, loving our enemies begins with a lessening of the hatred and anger we feel toward them. Over time, we let go of our need to control the situation or to seek revenge. Eventually, with God's help, we can get to the point where we actually wish only good for our abusers.
When we get to that point of recovery, we can find ways to do good for our abusers and to bless them. Here are some practical ways we can bless our abusers without getting hurt again. We can:
-Stop bringing up the past and recounting all of the horrific things our abusers did. We can talk about our pain with a counselor or with God, and then let it go.
-Pray that God will bless our abusers with the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
-Send our abusers simple cards of encouragement with loving Scripture verses included.
-If our abusers are incarcerated, we can send them gift packages that are provided by the prison system. These include food items, books, and games.
Don't use love to control outcomes with your enemies.
We learned in our previous series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, that we are the last person our abuser needs to point out how he should change. If his heart is ever open, he may accept correction from someone else. This is not a job that we should take on.
Remember, the only person we can ever change is ourselves. So when we send cards or gifts, our underlying purpose must be only to express love, not to force an outcome that we desire.
When we express love to people who hate us, curse us, and do all kinds of evil things to hurt us; there is no longer much room in our hearts for returning the evil. It's hard to hate someone while expressing kindness to them. This is why Jesus encourages us to love everyone. It's a great antidote for getting stuck in a place of bitterness and revenge.
Today's Challenge
Take some time to think about how you might safely express love to someone who has hurt you. Make a list of ideas and share it with a counselor or trusted friend. Ask them to help you sort out which ideas would be most helpful to your enemy without jeopardizing your safety. Take action to express love in one way to your enemy when the timing is right.
What does the Bible say about love for our enemies?
Luke 6:27-28 (NIV) reads: But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Jesus spoke these words to his disciples to make three points:
1) We should never treat others spitefully, even when they abuse us;
2) We should love everyone; and
3) We should go the extra mile to express love to our enemies.
How can we protect ourselves from further abuse?
When I used to read this passage, my warning signals began going off. I knew that if I expressed love in practical ways to the abusive people in my life, they would come after me like a pack of wolves on an injured sheep.
We often mistakenly interpret this message to mean that we must put ourselves into a relationship with people who abuse us. This is not what Jesus meant. We can love them from a distance, and Jesus gave us examples of how we might do that.
Show your enemies your love in appropriate ways.
For women who have been victims of domestic violence or adults who suffered childhood sexual abuse, expressing love to their abusers can be difficult. But it is not impossible.
First, let me say that there are ways to express love to abusers that I would not recommend. If your expression of love results in your abuser verbally abusing you, emotionally destroying you at every opportunity, physically harming you, or taking advantage of you sexually for their own gratification; you should immediately remove yourself and any children from such a situation. Every individual's emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual safety must be considered first.
Many abusers do not have the skills to live within a relationship without hurting or using others. Therefore, we must be careful to protect ourselves when we express love to them. If we are kind to them, and in return we receive more abuse, it may be time to step back and wait. In some cases, our abusers may never respond appropriately, but at least we can say we have tried.
When we are in a safe place and free from further abuse, we can find ways to express love to that person who hurt us. From a human perspective, this can feel impossible. But if we pray and ask Jesus to help us love, we may be surprised by what happens.
At first, loving our enemies begins with a lessening of the hatred and anger we feel toward them. Over time, we let go of our need to control the situation or to seek revenge. Eventually, with God's help, we can get to the point where we actually wish only good for our abusers.
When we get to that point of recovery, we can find ways to do good for our abusers and to bless them. Here are some practical ways we can bless our abusers without getting hurt again. We can:
-Stop bringing up the past and recounting all of the horrific things our abusers did. We can talk about our pain with a counselor or with God, and then let it go.
-Pray that God will bless our abusers with the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
-Send our abusers simple cards of encouragement with loving Scripture verses included.
-If our abusers are incarcerated, we can send them gift packages that are provided by the prison system. These include food items, books, and games.
Don't use love to control outcomes with your enemies.
We learned in our previous series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, that we are the last person our abuser needs to point out how he should change. If his heart is ever open, he may accept correction from someone else. This is not a job that we should take on.
Remember, the only person we can ever change is ourselves. So when we send cards or gifts, our underlying purpose must be only to express love, not to force an outcome that we desire.
When we express love to people who hate us, curse us, and do all kinds of evil things to hurt us; there is no longer much room in our hearts for returning the evil. It's hard to hate someone while expressing kindness to them. This is why Jesus encourages us to love everyone. It's a great antidote for getting stuck in a place of bitterness and revenge.
Today's Challenge
Take some time to think about how you might safely express love to someone who has hurt you. Make a list of ideas and share it with a counselor or trusted friend. Ask them to help you sort out which ideas would be most helpful to your enemy without jeopardizing your safety. Take action to express love in one way to your enemy when the timing is right.
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