I frequently hear from readers and acquaintances that I seem to be incredibly strong, in spite of the pain of my past. The trouble with viewing me as if I belong on a pedestal, is that I can tumble from that place as quickly as anyone else can. Never put anyone on a pedestal. I guarantee you'll eventually be disappointed. No one is perfect.
Last Tuesday, I completely lost it and couldn't stop crying. My problems felt unsolvable, and everywhere I turned, I thought I was seeing my abuser...a man in a restaurant, another in a store, and so on. Life felt so completely overwhelming and hopeless, I wanted to die.
On Wednesday morning, Joe took me to the emergency room. The doctor admitted me to the psychiatric unit, where I was diagnosed with PTSD and 'major depression,' which in old-fashioned terms means a nervous breakdown.
Thank God for Joe and his position at the hospital as chaplain. He was able to come up and visit me every few hours.
I spent three days in the hospital, and I've been home now for three days. I feel like a zombie. The doctor put me on a medication designed to treat depression, anxiety, and neuropathic pain. The pain relief from MS has been great, but I'm so tired and dizzy, I just sleep constantly. Hopefully, my body will adjust to the medication.
I'll be seeing a therapist, beginning tomorrow, as well as a psychiatrist, probably for a very long time. When the staff at the hospital looked at all the 'challenging life events' that I've survived, they were very empathetic. They were surprised I hadn't cracked before now. Apparently, when big events occur, such as childhood sexual abuse, we are supposed to get ourselves into psychiatric-based therapy PDQ. If we don't, we eventually lose it, as I did.
Needless to say, the three days in the psych unit were interesting. From the guy screaming obscenities in the room next door to Nurse Ratchet to the drunks and addicts in detox, I got an education in mental un-health.
On the up side, I've got an outline for a suspense novel about a twisted mental hospital that turns homeless patients into slaves. Now you know how I can come up with the plot lines in my novels about crazy people. We write what we know. HaHa.
I'm feeling very fragile, so if my posts are sporadic, I hope you'll understand, dear reader. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.
Today's Challenge
If you're suffering from the depression and/or anxiety that go hand-in-hand with childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or trauma, please consider finding a qualified psychiatrist and therapist. Don't be ashamed of mental illness. It must be treated, just as any other ailment that debilitates us.
Showing posts with label domestic violence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label domestic violence. Show all posts
Monday, August 15, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Take a Leap of Faith
We continue with my series, Confident in God's Hands, to help survivors of abuse and trauma develop greater courage. Today, we look at what it means to take a leap of faith.
A splat or a flight?
After my divorce, I met with a Stephen Minister each week. She listened patiently as I told her about how it felt to be a single mother, struggling to discover my purpose.
When we are being abused, someone else is always telling us what to do. After we've left the abuse behind, we may discover that we don't know anymore who we are. Our individuality has been beaten or berated out of us, and the only thing we know is confusion.
After leaving my first husband, I can remember making the decision to buy myself a nightgown of my own choosing for the first time in nearly 20 years. I went to a department store and combed through the racks. I was determined that I would never buy anything that reminded me of the sleezy night-time attire that my abuser had demanded I wear.
But after an hour of searching, I stood in the midst of thousands of nightgowns and burst into tears. There was nothing there that suited me, and I knew it wasn't because there was a lack of variety. My inability to choose came from the realization that I didn't know who I was or what I liked anymore. The abuse had depersonalized me to such an extent, I had no evidence of my former self remaining.
As I told my Stephen Minister my tale of woe, I said, "I feel as if I jumped off a cliff when I left the abuse behind, and I'm about to splat on the rocks below."
With great wisdom and enthusiasm for God's ability to turn around the most hopeless situation, she asked, "How about imagining that you just jumped off that cliff, and God has given you wings to fly?"
At the time, I was so depressed, I had no response for her. So many terrible things had happened to me that I had just about given up believing that God was real. I hadn't been to church in months. I could barely drag myself out of bed in the morning, and I wasn't sure I could ever find my way out of the mess I had created. But this woman got me thinking. Could God really help me fly again?
I decided in the following days that the only way to discover if I had wings was to test them. So, I bought a newspaper, looked through the classified ads, and circled several jobs that I thought I could do. Within an hour, I had an interview scheduled. The next day, I had a job as a file clerk, working for a temp agency.
After just a few weeks on the job, a man recognized my potential and arranged for an interview with the advertising department. The following Monday morning, I went back to work, not as a file clerk, but as a writer. And the rest, they say, is history.
I often reflect back on that time in my life when I felt as if my leap of faith was about to end in a nasty splat. But I discovered that even when we have no idea where we're going to land, if we dare to spread our wings and fly, God puts the wind beneath our wings.
Isaiah 40:31 (NIV) reminds us, But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. When we trust in God to show us the way and to provide for us along that path, we find that we are able to do the impossible.
And when we dare to fly again, God's provision for all of our needs gives us the confidence to take another flight, and another, and another. Suddenly, we find ourselves soaring through life, wondering why we ever doubted ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Are you terrified of taking that leap of faith and testing your wings? Are past hurts keeping you grounded? Nudge yourself out of the comfort of your familiar nest, and try out your wings again. God promises to provide the wind beneath your wings.
A splat or a flight?
After my divorce, I met with a Stephen Minister each week. She listened patiently as I told her about how it felt to be a single mother, struggling to discover my purpose.
When we are being abused, someone else is always telling us what to do. After we've left the abuse behind, we may discover that we don't know anymore who we are. Our individuality has been beaten or berated out of us, and the only thing we know is confusion.
After leaving my first husband, I can remember making the decision to buy myself a nightgown of my own choosing for the first time in nearly 20 years. I went to a department store and combed through the racks. I was determined that I would never buy anything that reminded me of the sleezy night-time attire that my abuser had demanded I wear.
But after an hour of searching, I stood in the midst of thousands of nightgowns and burst into tears. There was nothing there that suited me, and I knew it wasn't because there was a lack of variety. My inability to choose came from the realization that I didn't know who I was or what I liked anymore. The abuse had depersonalized me to such an extent, I had no evidence of my former self remaining.
As I told my Stephen Minister my tale of woe, I said, "I feel as if I jumped off a cliff when I left the abuse behind, and I'm about to splat on the rocks below."
With great wisdom and enthusiasm for God's ability to turn around the most hopeless situation, she asked, "How about imagining that you just jumped off that cliff, and God has given you wings to fly?"
At the time, I was so depressed, I had no response for her. So many terrible things had happened to me that I had just about given up believing that God was real. I hadn't been to church in months. I could barely drag myself out of bed in the morning, and I wasn't sure I could ever find my way out of the mess I had created. But this woman got me thinking. Could God really help me fly again?
I decided in the following days that the only way to discover if I had wings was to test them. So, I bought a newspaper, looked through the classified ads, and circled several jobs that I thought I could do. Within an hour, I had an interview scheduled. The next day, I had a job as a file clerk, working for a temp agency.
After just a few weeks on the job, a man recognized my potential and arranged for an interview with the advertising department. The following Monday morning, I went back to work, not as a file clerk, but as a writer. And the rest, they say, is history.
I often reflect back on that time in my life when I felt as if my leap of faith was about to end in a nasty splat. But I discovered that even when we have no idea where we're going to land, if we dare to spread our wings and fly, God puts the wind beneath our wings.
Isaiah 40:31 (NIV) reminds us, But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. When we trust in God to show us the way and to provide for us along that path, we find that we are able to do the impossible.
And when we dare to fly again, God's provision for all of our needs gives us the confidence to take another flight, and another, and another. Suddenly, we find ourselves soaring through life, wondering why we ever doubted ourselves.
Today's Challenge
Are you terrified of taking that leap of faith and testing your wings? Are past hurts keeping you grounded? Nudge yourself out of the comfort of your familiar nest, and try out your wings again. God promises to provide the wind beneath your wings.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Violence Never Pays
We are learning this week about how to become more gentle with others as part of my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, I would like us to think about what people lose if they are prone to fits of anger and violent behavior.
Violence gets you nowhere.
Proverbs 11:16 (MSG) makes an excellent point about the advantages of gentleness and the futility of violence. It reads, A woman of gentle grace gets respect, but men of rough violence grab for loot.
This verse shows us that if a woman is kindhearted, she will earn the respect of those around her. In contrast, a man who is violent will never receive respect, even if he is wealthy.
I have known a number of very wealthy men who were also violent. They liked to believe that they had their wives' respect and that all other men wished to be like them. The sad truth is that their wives complained bitterly about them behind their backs, and other men thought they were losers.
As survivors of abuse, we must learn how to discern between men who are violent and those who are gentlemen. Often, wealthy men can create illusions that trap unsuspecting women into believing that they are charming. I learned the hard way that wealth can be a great deceiver. Just because a guy has lots of cash to flash around doesn't mean he's a great catch.
Become a woman of gentle grace.
So what, exactly, is gentle grace? In my mind, a woman with this quality is quiet. She doesn't talk loudly or tell crude jokes. She avoids gossip and only speaks about people positively, both to their faces and behind their backs.
If a gentle woman encounters a violent man, she doesn't cower and allow him to mistreat her. On the other hand, she doesn't get into shouting matches with him, either. She is the type who would calmly tell him that he is not permitted to mistreat her, and then she would walk away. If he continued to hurt her, she would remove herself completely out of harm's way. Out on her own, she would not bad-mouth the violent man. She would simply move on with her life of peace.
I would like to become more gentle, but I've got a long way to go. It's so easy to remember the hurts I've suffered and to speak negatively about those who have hurt me. I pray that God will give me more opportunities to speak positively, in spite of all that I've endured.
Today's Challenge
Are you a woman of gentle grace? If not, how can you become gentler and quieter? Ask God to help you change your reactions to violent people so that you maintain your peace, in spite of their behavior.
Violence gets you nowhere.
Proverbs 11:16 (MSG) makes an excellent point about the advantages of gentleness and the futility of violence. It reads, A woman of gentle grace gets respect, but men of rough violence grab for loot.
This verse shows us that if a woman is kindhearted, she will earn the respect of those around her. In contrast, a man who is violent will never receive respect, even if he is wealthy.
I have known a number of very wealthy men who were also violent. They liked to believe that they had their wives' respect and that all other men wished to be like them. The sad truth is that their wives complained bitterly about them behind their backs, and other men thought they were losers.
As survivors of abuse, we must learn how to discern between men who are violent and those who are gentlemen. Often, wealthy men can create illusions that trap unsuspecting women into believing that they are charming. I learned the hard way that wealth can be a great deceiver. Just because a guy has lots of cash to flash around doesn't mean he's a great catch.
Become a woman of gentle grace.
So what, exactly, is gentle grace? In my mind, a woman with this quality is quiet. She doesn't talk loudly or tell crude jokes. She avoids gossip and only speaks about people positively, both to their faces and behind their backs.
If a gentle woman encounters a violent man, she doesn't cower and allow him to mistreat her. On the other hand, she doesn't get into shouting matches with him, either. She is the type who would calmly tell him that he is not permitted to mistreat her, and then she would walk away. If he continued to hurt her, she would remove herself completely out of harm's way. Out on her own, she would not bad-mouth the violent man. She would simply move on with her life of peace.
I would like to become more gentle, but I've got a long way to go. It's so easy to remember the hurts I've suffered and to speak negatively about those who have hurt me. I pray that God will give me more opportunities to speak positively, in spite of all that I've endured.
Today's Challenge
Are you a woman of gentle grace? If not, how can you become gentler and quieter? Ask God to help you change your reactions to violent people so that you maintain your peace, in spite of their behavior.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Be Gentle With Your Words
This week, we are learning how to become more gentle people, and today I would like to address the issue of how our speech affects others. This is a continuation of my series, Thriving in God's Garden.
Don't devour your neighbor.
The apostle Paul wrote the book of Galatians as a letter which was addressed to a group of early Christians. They were bickering over whether following the law or finding freedom in the Gospel was the way to heaven.
Paul wrote to them, "Love your neighbor as yourself. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Gal. 5:15 NIV)
The image of biting and devouring other people seems pretty gruesome, but that is exactly what we are doing when we talk to one another with sarcasm. The dictionary defines sarcasm as a sharply mocking or contemptuously ironic remark intended to wound another. In Greek, the word sarkasmos means to bite the lips in rage.
Sarcasm is a cover-up for bitterness.
I know a family who uses sarcasm constantly. They tease one another mercilessly and make very unkind remarks among themselves about the faults of the weaker members. Whenever I am with them, I feel terrible for the people who are the brunt of the unkind jokes. It is easy to see that the sarcastic remarks stem from bitterness over old hurts that should have been resolved years ago.
When I raise objections about these types of conversations with this family, they grin and say it's all just fun and games. While it may be fun for the one tearing someone else apart, I doubt that it's very pleasant for the weaker ones suffering the flesh-tearing verbal assaults.
Sarcasm has no place in our lives if we want to learn to be more gentle people. Unkind words that poke fun at others may make people laugh on late-night TV, but they're not appropriate within the family context. Someone must always be the butt of the joke, and I don't believe they can escape feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, or humiliation as a result.
When my children were young, I intervened whenever sarcastic cracks were made between them. Sarcasm is a form of verbal abuse, and I find it completely unacceptable. I refuse to tolerate it.
Sarcasm is not how we express love.
As survivors of either childhood or marital abuse, many of us know how it feels to be put down with sarcasm. It hurts, and the wounds left behind are difficult to heal. We may grow up believing that this is how families express love to one another, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Whenever I meet someone who is very sarcastic, it doesn't take long to peel back the layers of hurt and find a person who was deeply wounded in childhood. They are often angry and have never learned how to express their rage. Sarcasm allows them to throw out barbs under the guise of humor, but anyone with some sensitivity can see beyond the jokes to the underlying pain.
Be gentle with your words.
There are many ways to laugh together without being sarcastic or poking fun at individuals or entire people groups. Comedy comes in many forms, and some jokes are funny without being bitter.
We can laugh over lots of things besides stupid jokes, too. The antics of our pets and children can make us laugh out loud. Overflowing joy can bring a smile to our faces if we experience something wonderful, such as an exhilarating parasail ride, a run down a powdery ski slope, or a dash through the sprinkler out on the front lawn.
We all need to find ways to use words to build up and encourage one another. We must walk away from conversations where others are bitterly pouring out sarcasm. Perhaps this means turning off the TV or walking out of a comedy show where actors are putting down people, including those in the audience. If we're feeling really courageous, we can stick up for someone who's the brunt of a mean joke. We'll feel better, and I'm sure others will, too.
Today's Challenge
Are you the brunt of a sarcastic abuser's jokes? Or are you the one dishing out the pain with unkind sarcasm? Make a commitment today to become a gentler person by giving up all forms of sarcasm. Refuse to accept it or dole it out.
Don't devour your neighbor.
The apostle Paul wrote the book of Galatians as a letter which was addressed to a group of early Christians. They were bickering over whether following the law or finding freedom in the Gospel was the way to heaven.
Paul wrote to them, "Love your neighbor as yourself. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Gal. 5:15 NIV)
The image of biting and devouring other people seems pretty gruesome, but that is exactly what we are doing when we talk to one another with sarcasm. The dictionary defines sarcasm as a sharply mocking or contemptuously ironic remark intended to wound another. In Greek, the word sarkasmos means to bite the lips in rage.
Sarcasm is a cover-up for bitterness.
I know a family who uses sarcasm constantly. They tease one another mercilessly and make very unkind remarks among themselves about the faults of the weaker members. Whenever I am with them, I feel terrible for the people who are the brunt of the unkind jokes. It is easy to see that the sarcastic remarks stem from bitterness over old hurts that should have been resolved years ago.
When I raise objections about these types of conversations with this family, they grin and say it's all just fun and games. While it may be fun for the one tearing someone else apart, I doubt that it's very pleasant for the weaker ones suffering the flesh-tearing verbal assaults.
Sarcasm has no place in our lives if we want to learn to be more gentle people. Unkind words that poke fun at others may make people laugh on late-night TV, but they're not appropriate within the family context. Someone must always be the butt of the joke, and I don't believe they can escape feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, or humiliation as a result.
When my children were young, I intervened whenever sarcastic cracks were made between them. Sarcasm is a form of verbal abuse, and I find it completely unacceptable. I refuse to tolerate it.
Sarcasm is not how we express love.
As survivors of either childhood or marital abuse, many of us know how it feels to be put down with sarcasm. It hurts, and the wounds left behind are difficult to heal. We may grow up believing that this is how families express love to one another, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Whenever I meet someone who is very sarcastic, it doesn't take long to peel back the layers of hurt and find a person who was deeply wounded in childhood. They are often angry and have never learned how to express their rage. Sarcasm allows them to throw out barbs under the guise of humor, but anyone with some sensitivity can see beyond the jokes to the underlying pain.
Be gentle with your words.
There are many ways to laugh together without being sarcastic or poking fun at individuals or entire people groups. Comedy comes in many forms, and some jokes are funny without being bitter.
We can laugh over lots of things besides stupid jokes, too. The antics of our pets and children can make us laugh out loud. Overflowing joy can bring a smile to our faces if we experience something wonderful, such as an exhilarating parasail ride, a run down a powdery ski slope, or a dash through the sprinkler out on the front lawn.
We all need to find ways to use words to build up and encourage one another. We must walk away from conversations where others are bitterly pouring out sarcasm. Perhaps this means turning off the TV or walking out of a comedy show where actors are putting down people, including those in the audience. If we're feeling really courageous, we can stick up for someone who's the brunt of a mean joke. We'll feel better, and I'm sure others will, too.
Today's Challenge
Are you the brunt of a sarcastic abuser's jokes? Or are you the one dishing out the pain with unkind sarcasm? Make a commitment today to become a gentler person by giving up all forms of sarcasm. Refuse to accept it or dole it out.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Teach Faithfulness
We conclude this week’s thoughts about faithfulness with some insights about teaching others how to become more faithful. This is a continuation of my series, Thriving in God’s Garden, which is based on Galatians 5:22. Next week, we will learn about how to be more gentle.
Become a woman of excellence.
Proverbs 31:10-31 has been my greatest source of guidance over the years. As a woman, this passage leads me in the ways that God wants me to go. It describes how I should aspire to live as a Christian wife. I think it can be applied to any woman, young or old, married or single.
Proverbs 31:26 (NIV) reads, She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Notice that God puts wisdom ahead of faithful instruction in this passage. Older, more mature women are called upon to teach younger ones how to live quiet lives that are pleasing to God. Our cumulative life experiences usually make us better equipped to teach others, primarily through the wisdom we have learned from making mistakes along the way.
I have been on a pathway of learning for many years, and there is still much that I don’t know. But when I do understand something through a combination of experiences and studying the Bible, I try to share my wisdom with others. This blog is one example of my faithfulness in teaching God’s wisdom to others.
What do you know?
Each one of us has been equipped with special talents and gifts. Those abilities should be used whenever possible to encourage others. What have you learned as a result of the challenges life has thrown your way?
Most survivors of abuse don’t feel that they are very worthy. They believe that they have little to offer, because their abusers stripped them of all self-confidence. But the fact is that most people who have survived childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, or other traumas are usually much stronger in the long run than the average person. We can be far more resilient, hopeful, determined, and resourceful than most others can if we recover well. The very fact that we survived abuse speaks volumes about our emotional strength.
Galatians 5:22 (NIV) tells us that we should be exhibiting behaviors that are more and more Christ-like as we mature. These characteristics (the fruit of the Spirit) include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Which ones do you feel are your strongest traits? How can you teach what you know to someone else?
Find a place to share your wisdom with others.
The best way to put this lesson into practice is to find a place to serve where we can faithfully teach others what we know. I lead a small group of women in making quilts for terminally ill patients at the hospitals in our community. My friend enjoys teaching young wives how to cook. No matter who we are, or how much we have suffered, God has given us something unique to share with the world. Where can you serve?
Today’s Challenge
Read Proverbs 31:10-31. You can find it at www.biblegateway.com if you don’t have a Bible. Consider the many talents described in this beautiful passage of Scripture. Which gift can you share with someone else? Choose one of your spiritual gifts today and begin faithfully teaching it to others through your actions or through direct instruction.
Become a woman of excellence.
Proverbs 31:10-31 has been my greatest source of guidance over the years. As a woman, this passage leads me in the ways that God wants me to go. It describes how I should aspire to live as a Christian wife. I think it can be applied to any woman, young or old, married or single.
Proverbs 31:26 (NIV) reads, She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Notice that God puts wisdom ahead of faithful instruction in this passage. Older, more mature women are called upon to teach younger ones how to live quiet lives that are pleasing to God. Our cumulative life experiences usually make us better equipped to teach others, primarily through the wisdom we have learned from making mistakes along the way.
I have been on a pathway of learning for many years, and there is still much that I don’t know. But when I do understand something through a combination of experiences and studying the Bible, I try to share my wisdom with others. This blog is one example of my faithfulness in teaching God’s wisdom to others.
What do you know?
Each one of us has been equipped with special talents and gifts. Those abilities should be used whenever possible to encourage others. What have you learned as a result of the challenges life has thrown your way?
Most survivors of abuse don’t feel that they are very worthy. They believe that they have little to offer, because their abusers stripped them of all self-confidence. But the fact is that most people who have survived childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, or other traumas are usually much stronger in the long run than the average person. We can be far more resilient, hopeful, determined, and resourceful than most others can if we recover well. The very fact that we survived abuse speaks volumes about our emotional strength.
Galatians 5:22 (NIV) tells us that we should be exhibiting behaviors that are more and more Christ-like as we mature. These characteristics (the fruit of the Spirit) include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Which ones do you feel are your strongest traits? How can you teach what you know to someone else?
Find a place to share your wisdom with others.
The best way to put this lesson into practice is to find a place to serve where we can faithfully teach others what we know. I lead a small group of women in making quilts for terminally ill patients at the hospitals in our community. My friend enjoys teaching young wives how to cook. No matter who we are, or how much we have suffered, God has given us something unique to share with the world. Where can you serve?
Today’s Challenge
Read Proverbs 31:10-31. You can find it at www.biblegateway.com if you don’t have a Bible. Consider the many talents described in this beautiful passage of Scripture. Which gift can you share with someone else? Choose one of your spiritual gifts today and begin faithfully teaching it to others through your actions or through direct instruction.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Do Good to Those Who Hate You
We conclude this week's lessons on goodness with the thought that we should do good to those who hate us. Next week, we will turn our thoughts to faithfulness as we continue our series, Thriving in God's Garden. These lessons are all based on the fruit of the Spirit, which can be found in Galatians 5:22.
Love your enemies.
As survivors of abuse and trauma, it is often difficult for us to carry out this command, which is found in Luke 6:27 (NIV): But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. How can we love someone who has hurt us so deeply?
We have considered this previously, and the only way I know of to love my enemy is to try and see him as God does. God loves all people, whom he created to become like him. If I look through the eyes of God's love, I can find a way to love people who are considered unloveable by mankind.
Express your love appropriately.
There are appropriate ways to express love to others. Consider this. If the President rang your doorbell, how would you greet him? Most Americans would offer him a handshake and invite him inside for coffee or iced tea. This would be appropriate, given the President's reputation and position of leadership.
On the other hand, if Osama bin Laden had showed up on your doorstep and you recognized him, you would have been wise to greet him much differently. His reputation for evil acts should have spurred you on to swiftly close the door, lock it, and call the cops. Then, you could have prayed within the safety of your home, asking God to soften Bin Laden's heart and to bring him to repentance.
The methods we use to determine how to love our abusers should be no different from the ways we decide to greet the President or Osama bin Laden. Love for our abusers does not necessarily mean that we invite them in for tea.
I was once pursued by a stalker, and I can assure you that inviting him into my home would have reactivated his need to control me. Our personal safety is much more important than figuring out some way to openly express love to such enemies. It is best, in cases like these, to love the person from a distance through prayer.
Do good to those who hate you.
Most abusers and stalkers do not hate us. In fact, they often love us to such an extreme that they must possess us. Therefore, I think it is actually easier to do good to other people who simply hate us than it is to do good to those who love us inappropriately.
Often, we are hated by people who can't stand the goodness in us. Their own evil ways make them feel so guilty, they squirm when they are in our presence. I have been called a goody-two-shoes, Church Lady Cheryl, and many other unkind names because of my faith.
How do we respond to people like this? I see them as God does: broken and miserable sinners who, like Satan, cannot tolerate to be in the presence of Christ. The most loving thing I can do in response to their harassment is to continue doing what I always do. I don't preach at them or respond to their sarcastic remarks. But I don't change my typical way of living out my faith, either.
We used to live next door to a woman who was a heavy drinker and smoker. She knew that Joe was a minister, and she frequently let fly with a string of curses before she realized that my husband was within earshot in the yard. She would make sarcastic remarks about having to watch her language if he was around.
Joe never preached to this woman about her sins. He greeted her pleasantly and made small talk, using language that was appropriate with her. He never joined her and the other neighbors in drinking alcochol or smoking.
Joe's example stood in stark contrast to our neighbor's behavior and provided her and her children with a far stronger message than any preaching could have. His actions showed perfectly how to do good to people who hate us and the goodness of God that dwells within us.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who hates you or the goodness within you? Strive to imitate God as much as possible through your actions in order to do good to them. Use very few words to make the point that you love them.
Love your enemies.
As survivors of abuse and trauma, it is often difficult for us to carry out this command, which is found in Luke 6:27 (NIV): But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. How can we love someone who has hurt us so deeply?
We have considered this previously, and the only way I know of to love my enemy is to try and see him as God does. God loves all people, whom he created to become like him. If I look through the eyes of God's love, I can find a way to love people who are considered unloveable by mankind.
Express your love appropriately.
There are appropriate ways to express love to others. Consider this. If the President rang your doorbell, how would you greet him? Most Americans would offer him a handshake and invite him inside for coffee or iced tea. This would be appropriate, given the President's reputation and position of leadership.
On the other hand, if Osama bin Laden had showed up on your doorstep and you recognized him, you would have been wise to greet him much differently. His reputation for evil acts should have spurred you on to swiftly close the door, lock it, and call the cops. Then, you could have prayed within the safety of your home, asking God to soften Bin Laden's heart and to bring him to repentance.
The methods we use to determine how to love our abusers should be no different from the ways we decide to greet the President or Osama bin Laden. Love for our abusers does not necessarily mean that we invite them in for tea.
I was once pursued by a stalker, and I can assure you that inviting him into my home would have reactivated his need to control me. Our personal safety is much more important than figuring out some way to openly express love to such enemies. It is best, in cases like these, to love the person from a distance through prayer.
Do good to those who hate you.
Most abusers and stalkers do not hate us. In fact, they often love us to such an extreme that they must possess us. Therefore, I think it is actually easier to do good to other people who simply hate us than it is to do good to those who love us inappropriately.
Often, we are hated by people who can't stand the goodness in us. Their own evil ways make them feel so guilty, they squirm when they are in our presence. I have been called a goody-two-shoes, Church Lady Cheryl, and many other unkind names because of my faith.
How do we respond to people like this? I see them as God does: broken and miserable sinners who, like Satan, cannot tolerate to be in the presence of Christ. The most loving thing I can do in response to their harassment is to continue doing what I always do. I don't preach at them or respond to their sarcastic remarks. But I don't change my typical way of living out my faith, either.
We used to live next door to a woman who was a heavy drinker and smoker. She knew that Joe was a minister, and she frequently let fly with a string of curses before she realized that my husband was within earshot in the yard. She would make sarcastic remarks about having to watch her language if he was around.
Joe never preached to this woman about her sins. He greeted her pleasantly and made small talk, using language that was appropriate with her. He never joined her and the other neighbors in drinking alcochol or smoking.
Joe's example stood in stark contrast to our neighbor's behavior and provided her and her children with a far stronger message than any preaching could have. His actions showed perfectly how to do good to people who hate us and the goodness of God that dwells within us.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who hates you or the goodness within you? Strive to imitate God as much as possible through your actions in order to do good to them. Use very few words to make the point that you love them.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
A Good Wife is Priceless
We are learning about goodness this week in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, I would like to look at how the Bible defines a good wife, as found in Proverbs 31:10-31. Space does not permit me to copy the entire text here. Please go to your Bible or www.biblegateway.com to read it.
A good wife is a husband's best asset.
Proverbs 31:1 tells us that a good wife is worth far more than rubies. Whatever she does brings her husband added value. She never does anything to harm him.
Can we say this about ourselves? How many of us complain about our husbands' faults to our friends? Is this adding value to him or detracting from his worth?
A good wife is industrious.
Proverbs 31 tells us that a good wife is industrious. She takes care of the affairs of her household, managing meals, clothing, and the family home.
Are we handling these things as well as we could? Or is there room for improvement? Are we taking care of the things we can? Or are we sitting back and resenting our husbands for failing to take care of the bills, the car, or the house?
A good wife goes out into the world and uses money wisely. She invests to ensure outstanding returns, produces outcomes that are profitable, and still makes sure that her family gets her best.
Are we handling our money well? Or are we spending our husbands into the poorhouse?
A good husband does not inhibit his wife's growth.
I came across an article today about a jihadist group magazine known as Al-Shamikha (The Majestic Woman). It features interviews with the wives of extremist martyrs. The magazine advises women to stay indoors, because they claim that this practice promotes modesty and a good complexion.
I don't believe that such advice is godly or wise. Staying indoors keeps a woman from using her mind to earn money, to help the needy, or to learn about her rights. An ignorant, penniless woman will assuredly remain an abused woman.
What do you think about this Arabic magazine's opinion?
A good wife speaks with wisdom.
Whenever we open our mouths, Proverbs 31 tells us that wise words ought to come out. Where do we find that wisdom? In the Bible, at church, and among other mature Christians. We can also read both religious and secular materials to help us understand how to deal with relationships, our careers, our finances, and our health.
Whenever we come across something, such as the advice given in Al-Shamikha, we can compare it to the truth of God's Word. If it is in direct conflict with Biblical concepts, we must reject it. Further study of the Bible will help us to discover God's plan for becoming a good wife.
How are you doing in gaining wisdom? Are wise words coming out of your mouth, or do you frequently sound as if you ought to be an interviewee on the Jerry Springer show?
I struggle to speak words of wisdom.
I do my best to speak with wisdom, as described above. But of all my faults, the one that bothers me the most is when I say something negative to others, particularly my husband. I can see on others' faces the disappointment of having to listen to my negativity.
As a survivor of abuse, it is often easier to speak about the negative than it is the positive. At times, I know this is the voice of depression, which is a common occurrence among survivors of abuse. Even after we've dealt with the depression, the habit of speaking negatively may remain.
We can combat this problem by paying attention to the effect our words have on others. If we see that we have discouraged someone with our speech, we can try to shift the conversation to a happier topic. We can also make a mental note to avoid negativity as much as possible.
A good wife enjoys the praises of her family.
Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday. What do our husbands and children have to say about us? Are we continually striving to become the best that we can be, or have we fallen short in one of the areas above?
If we have been working hard to overcome abuse and trauma, others should be able to see our goodness in the way that we manage our homes, our work, and our relationships. The final two verses of Proverbs 31 read, Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
What kind of praise will you be receiving this Mother's Day?
Today's Challenge
Have you become your husband's greatest asset? Take a few moments today to jot down the ways that you exhibit goodness as a wife. If you're not married, think of yourself as Christ's bride. If you see gaps in your skill set as a wife, study Proverbs 31 to discover how to improve. The praise you will later receive is well worth the effort.
A good wife is a husband's best asset.
Proverbs 31:1 tells us that a good wife is worth far more than rubies. Whatever she does brings her husband added value. She never does anything to harm him.
Can we say this about ourselves? How many of us complain about our husbands' faults to our friends? Is this adding value to him or detracting from his worth?
A good wife is industrious.
Proverbs 31 tells us that a good wife is industrious. She takes care of the affairs of her household, managing meals, clothing, and the family home.
Are we handling these things as well as we could? Or is there room for improvement? Are we taking care of the things we can? Or are we sitting back and resenting our husbands for failing to take care of the bills, the car, or the house?
A good wife goes out into the world and uses money wisely. She invests to ensure outstanding returns, produces outcomes that are profitable, and still makes sure that her family gets her best.
Are we handling our money well? Or are we spending our husbands into the poorhouse?
A good husband does not inhibit his wife's growth.
I came across an article today about a jihadist group magazine known as Al-Shamikha (The Majestic Woman). It features interviews with the wives of extremist martyrs. The magazine advises women to stay indoors, because they claim that this practice promotes modesty and a good complexion.
I don't believe that such advice is godly or wise. Staying indoors keeps a woman from using her mind to earn money, to help the needy, or to learn about her rights. An ignorant, penniless woman will assuredly remain an abused woman.
What do you think about this Arabic magazine's opinion?
A good wife speaks with wisdom.
Whenever we open our mouths, Proverbs 31 tells us that wise words ought to come out. Where do we find that wisdom? In the Bible, at church, and among other mature Christians. We can also read both religious and secular materials to help us understand how to deal with relationships, our careers, our finances, and our health.
Whenever we come across something, such as the advice given in Al-Shamikha, we can compare it to the truth of God's Word. If it is in direct conflict with Biblical concepts, we must reject it. Further study of the Bible will help us to discover God's plan for becoming a good wife.
How are you doing in gaining wisdom? Are wise words coming out of your mouth, or do you frequently sound as if you ought to be an interviewee on the Jerry Springer show?
I struggle to speak words of wisdom.
I do my best to speak with wisdom, as described above. But of all my faults, the one that bothers me the most is when I say something negative to others, particularly my husband. I can see on others' faces the disappointment of having to listen to my negativity.
As a survivor of abuse, it is often easier to speak about the negative than it is the positive. At times, I know this is the voice of depression, which is a common occurrence among survivors of abuse. Even after we've dealt with the depression, the habit of speaking negatively may remain.
We can combat this problem by paying attention to the effect our words have on others. If we see that we have discouraged someone with our speech, we can try to shift the conversation to a happier topic. We can also make a mental note to avoid negativity as much as possible.
A good wife enjoys the praises of her family.
Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday. What do our husbands and children have to say about us? Are we continually striving to become the best that we can be, or have we fallen short in one of the areas above?
If we have been working hard to overcome abuse and trauma, others should be able to see our goodness in the way that we manage our homes, our work, and our relationships. The final two verses of Proverbs 31 read, Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
What kind of praise will you be receiving this Mother's Day?
Today's Challenge
Have you become your husband's greatest asset? Take a few moments today to jot down the ways that you exhibit goodness as a wife. If you're not married, think of yourself as Christ's bride. If you see gaps in your skill set as a wife, study Proverbs 31 to discover how to improve. The praise you will later receive is well worth the effort.
Monday, April 25, 2011
The Lord is Kind to Us
We continue with our series, Thriving in God's Garden, with a look this week into kindness. Today, I'd like to focus on God's kindness toward us.
Because God loves us, he is kind to us.
In order to learn how to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control--we must first look to God, who models these attributes for us.
Isaiah 63:7 (NIV) reads, I will tell of the kindnesses of the Lord, the deeds for which he is to be praised, according to all the Lord has done for us... If someone were to ask us if God has been kind to us, how might we answer?
Victims often fail to see God's kindnesses.
Sometimes, victims of abuse and trauma develop a very negative attitude toward God. They become angry with him and claim that he doesn't care what happens to anyone. While bad things may happen, it is because we live in a fallen world, filled with sinners. It is not because God doesn't care.
When we are sad, God understands. Just because our circumstances may make us feel as if no one cares, God always does. He never, ever stops loving us.
I am blessed by God's kindness.
God has been unbelievably kind to me all my life. Even though I suffered childhood sexual abuse, marital abuse, and many illnesses and injuries, God has showered me with kindness.
Although I was born into a very dysfunctional, abusive family, God did not overlook my need for loving and nurturing. He provided it in the form of wonderful neighbors who took me in as if I were one of their own.
One of my sister's friends took me to church when I was five years old, and a nursery volunteer there told me about Jesus. They planted seeds that grew into belief, which led me to surrender my life to Christ. Today, God does not see my sins when he looks at me, because they are hidden by Christ's blood.
When I was diagnosed with stage four cancer, God was unbelievably kind. I begged him for more time to raise my children, and he pulled off a miracle. I was healed of the cancer that was supposed to kill me within months..19 years ago.
When my first marriage fell apart, God remembered me again. He sent Joe Denton into my life to teach me what it really means to have a relationship with Christ, not just a religion. With Joe, I have safety and peace as I have never before experienced at home.
My life has been touched by countless people who have loved me when I have not always been easy to love. Friends have stood by me through MS exacerbations, surgeries, and auto accidents. All of these people, I am certain, were sent to me by God. They are his expression of kindness.
Has God been kind to you?
It's hard to think about God's kindesses toward us if we are unaware of them. When we realize his many acts of loving kindness, it's impossible not to praise him as Isaiah did in the above Bible passage. How has he blessed you?
Today's Challenge
Write down the many ways that God has blessed you, even at times when you were suffering. Find a way to thank him through prayer, song, or sharing your story with someone else.
Because God loves us, he is kind to us.
In order to learn how to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control--we must first look to God, who models these attributes for us.
Isaiah 63:7 (NIV) reads, I will tell of the kindnesses of the Lord, the deeds for which he is to be praised, according to all the Lord has done for us... If someone were to ask us if God has been kind to us, how might we answer?
Victims often fail to see God's kindnesses.
Sometimes, victims of abuse and trauma develop a very negative attitude toward God. They become angry with him and claim that he doesn't care what happens to anyone. While bad things may happen, it is because we live in a fallen world, filled with sinners. It is not because God doesn't care.
When we are sad, God understands. Just because our circumstances may make us feel as if no one cares, God always does. He never, ever stops loving us.
I am blessed by God's kindness.
God has been unbelievably kind to me all my life. Even though I suffered childhood sexual abuse, marital abuse, and many illnesses and injuries, God has showered me with kindness.
Although I was born into a very dysfunctional, abusive family, God did not overlook my need for loving and nurturing. He provided it in the form of wonderful neighbors who took me in as if I were one of their own.
One of my sister's friends took me to church when I was five years old, and a nursery volunteer there told me about Jesus. They planted seeds that grew into belief, which led me to surrender my life to Christ. Today, God does not see my sins when he looks at me, because they are hidden by Christ's blood.
When I was diagnosed with stage four cancer, God was unbelievably kind. I begged him for more time to raise my children, and he pulled off a miracle. I was healed of the cancer that was supposed to kill me within months..19 years ago.
When my first marriage fell apart, God remembered me again. He sent Joe Denton into my life to teach me what it really means to have a relationship with Christ, not just a religion. With Joe, I have safety and peace as I have never before experienced at home.
My life has been touched by countless people who have loved me when I have not always been easy to love. Friends have stood by me through MS exacerbations, surgeries, and auto accidents. All of these people, I am certain, were sent to me by God. They are his expression of kindness.
Has God been kind to you?
It's hard to think about God's kindesses toward us if we are unaware of them. When we realize his many acts of loving kindness, it's impossible not to praise him as Isaiah did in the above Bible passage. How has he blessed you?
Today's Challenge
Write down the many ways that God has blessed you, even at times when you were suffering. Find a way to thank him through prayer, song, or sharing your story with someone else.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Be Patient With the Weak
We conclude this week's discussion about patience in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Next week, we will learn how to develop greater kindness for others as we study Galatians 5:22, known as the fruit of the Spirit. Learning to bear spiritual fruit helps us to thrive in a life that began with abuse.
Be patient with others who are weak.
If someone hands us a screaming infant, most of us have the patience to soothe the child to the best of our ability. Perhaps we check its diaper, try feeding it, burping it, cuddling it, or rocking it. Very few people would simply walk away from a tearful infant, because they know that such little beings are completely helpless and dependent on others for their care.
First Thessalonians 5:14 (NIV) reminds us of how important patience is. It reads, And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.
It's not always easy to be patient with everyone.
Today, I sat through an 8-hour seminar with a woman who was heckling the speaker throughout the day. I kept thinking that if I were up front, I'd ask someone to escort the heckler from the room. In spite of the repeated taunts, the speaker gracefully asked the woman to be patient and wait until later in the day for the information she was seeking.
I talked to the presenter afterward and commended her for her patience. She smiled and said it wasn't easy to keep her cool. But she had reminded herself that it was Good Friday, and she wanted to remain spiritual about the whole situation.
She put herself into the heckler's shoes and tried to see things from her vantage point. Perhaps the heckler was anxious about something and couldn't hear a word that was being said without her fears first being addressed.
The speaker's response to this annoying seminar attendee was a beautiful portrayal of how we need to be patient with people who are difficult. Remembering that God's Word calls us to be patient with everyone, not just helpless infants, can help us in tough situations.
Not all adults are grown-ups.
Some adults may look grown-up, but many are still emotional or spiritual infants in aging bodies. We must do our best to model our behavior after the seminar speaker who saw the heckler as one might view a child demanding candy. Who knows? Maybe our patience with old infants may provide a way for them to learn how to be patient, too.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who drives you nuts? Do they challenge your patience? Try to see beyond the adult form and think about what the child within is looking for from you. Perhaps it will lead you to respond with greater patience.
Be patient with others who are weak.
If someone hands us a screaming infant, most of us have the patience to soothe the child to the best of our ability. Perhaps we check its diaper, try feeding it, burping it, cuddling it, or rocking it. Very few people would simply walk away from a tearful infant, because they know that such little beings are completely helpless and dependent on others for their care.
First Thessalonians 5:14 (NIV) reminds us of how important patience is. It reads, And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.
It's not always easy to be patient with everyone.
Today, I sat through an 8-hour seminar with a woman who was heckling the speaker throughout the day. I kept thinking that if I were up front, I'd ask someone to escort the heckler from the room. In spite of the repeated taunts, the speaker gracefully asked the woman to be patient and wait until later in the day for the information she was seeking.
I talked to the presenter afterward and commended her for her patience. She smiled and said it wasn't easy to keep her cool. But she had reminded herself that it was Good Friday, and she wanted to remain spiritual about the whole situation.
She put herself into the heckler's shoes and tried to see things from her vantage point. Perhaps the heckler was anxious about something and couldn't hear a word that was being said without her fears first being addressed.
The speaker's response to this annoying seminar attendee was a beautiful portrayal of how we need to be patient with people who are difficult. Remembering that God's Word calls us to be patient with everyone, not just helpless infants, can help us in tough situations.
Not all adults are grown-ups.
Some adults may look grown-up, but many are still emotional or spiritual infants in aging bodies. We must do our best to model our behavior after the seminar speaker who saw the heckler as one might view a child demanding candy. Who knows? Maybe our patience with old infants may provide a way for them to learn how to be patient, too.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who drives you nuts? Do they challenge your patience? Try to see beyond the adult form and think about what the child within is looking for from you. Perhaps it will lead you to respond with greater patience.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Develop Patient Endurance
This week, we are learning about patience in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, I would like to discuss how we can develop patience endurance when people challenge our beliefs.
We can expect challenges.
Some people believe that when they become Christians, God will take away all of their hardships. This is not true, and in fact, God may allow us to endure even greater challenges to help us grow in our faith.
Second Corinthians 1:6 (NIV) reads, This calls for patient endurance on the part of the people of God who keep his commands and remain faithful to Jesus. What calls for patient endurance? The persecution that we will inevitably face as a result of our belief in God.
We don't have to live in a country where Christianity is forbidden to experience persecution. All we have to do is put our faith into action here in the United States to find ourselves on the receiving end of judgment from our family members, co-workers, and neighbors.
Take a stand on issues such as abortion, same-sex marriage, and other controversial topics; and I can guarantee that someone will call you narrow-minded, ridiculously conservative, or politically incorrect.
How do we develop patient endurance?
All we have to do is look back at the Bible passage above for the answer to this question. Patient endurance develops when we keep God's commands and remain faithful to Jesus.
So if someone asks us to take a stand on a politically-charged question, we simply look into God's Word to see how we should respond. We make up our minds to do what Jesus would in a similar situation. Then, we stick to our guns, even if it makes us unpopular.
We took a stand.
The Bible tells us, We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. (2 Corinthians 6:3 NIV) This passage means that if we live an exemplary life, no one can discredit our faith or our God. This takes tremendous patience and endurance.
To illustrate this concept, Joe and I made a decision when we went into the ministry that we would not drink alcohol. We didn't ever want someone to see us in a restaurant having a glass of wine and judging us. At the same time, we didn't want to drink and encourage others to do the same who might have a problem with excessive alcohol consumption.
This decision has not always made us very popular with family members or friends. At times, it has been downright awkward. But while we were patiently enduring the few snide remarks we have received, we gained far more supportive words of encouragement from people who were like-minded.
So, take a stand on what you believe in. Then patiently endure whatever trials result. Even when it's tough to stick it out, hang in there. The blessings are well worth any temporary trials that we might endure.
Today's Challenge
Have you taken a stand on an issue that has made you unpopular? As abuse survivors, this can be really difficult, because we are frequently meek people pleasers who will do anything to keep the peace. With the help of God's Word, take a stand on something today. Then develop patient endurance by following God's commands and keeping your eyes on Jesus.
We can expect challenges.
Some people believe that when they become Christians, God will take away all of their hardships. This is not true, and in fact, God may allow us to endure even greater challenges to help us grow in our faith.
Second Corinthians 1:6 (NIV) reads, This calls for patient endurance on the part of the people of God who keep his commands and remain faithful to Jesus. What calls for patient endurance? The persecution that we will inevitably face as a result of our belief in God.
We don't have to live in a country where Christianity is forbidden to experience persecution. All we have to do is put our faith into action here in the United States to find ourselves on the receiving end of judgment from our family members, co-workers, and neighbors.
Take a stand on issues such as abortion, same-sex marriage, and other controversial topics; and I can guarantee that someone will call you narrow-minded, ridiculously conservative, or politically incorrect.
How do we develop patient endurance?
All we have to do is look back at the Bible passage above for the answer to this question. Patient endurance develops when we keep God's commands and remain faithful to Jesus.
So if someone asks us to take a stand on a politically-charged question, we simply look into God's Word to see how we should respond. We make up our minds to do what Jesus would in a similar situation. Then, we stick to our guns, even if it makes us unpopular.
We took a stand.
The Bible tells us, We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. (2 Corinthians 6:3 NIV) This passage means that if we live an exemplary life, no one can discredit our faith or our God. This takes tremendous patience and endurance.
To illustrate this concept, Joe and I made a decision when we went into the ministry that we would not drink alcohol. We didn't ever want someone to see us in a restaurant having a glass of wine and judging us. At the same time, we didn't want to drink and encourage others to do the same who might have a problem with excessive alcohol consumption.
This decision has not always made us very popular with family members or friends. At times, it has been downright awkward. But while we were patiently enduring the few snide remarks we have received, we gained far more supportive words of encouragement from people who were like-minded.
So, take a stand on what you believe in. Then patiently endure whatever trials result. Even when it's tough to stick it out, hang in there. The blessings are well worth any temporary trials that we might endure.
Today's Challenge
Have you taken a stand on an issue that has made you unpopular? As abuse survivors, this can be really difficult, because we are frequently meek people pleasers who will do anything to keep the peace. With the help of God's Word, take a stand on something today. Then develop patient endurance by following God's commands and keeping your eyes on Jesus.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Developing Patience in Affliction
We are learning about patience this week as we continue with my series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study is based on Galatians 5:22, known as the fruit of the Spirit.
Be patient in affliction.
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:12 (NIV), Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. We've already learned how to increase our joy, and we're going to look at faithfulness in a few weeks. For today, I'd like to focus on being patient during times of affliction.
As survivors of abuse or trauma, most of us have a pretty good idea what it means to be afflicted. Abuse and trauma leave us with anger, fear, lack of trust, poor self-esteem, guilt, thoughts of revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. So how are we supposed to be patient while dealing with these problems?
Affliction can help us to develop patience.
Several years ago, I suffered from an illness that caused complete paralysis of my left arm and leg. My arm began functioning again relatively quickly, but my leg took months.
Paralysis meant that I spent months on end, lying in bed at home by myself while Joe and the kids went off during the day to work and school. Staring at my bedroom walls nearly drove me insane. I finally discovered two things that helped.
First, God's Word helped me to focus on his promises for my future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) was especially helpful: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I put all of my hope in this promise for a better future.
Second, creating a new purpose for myself made a big difference. I got a laptop and began writing short stories just to entertain myself.
One Sunday morning, a man I had never met approached me in my wheelchair to ask if he could pray for me. While he was wheeling me out of church after services to help me get in my car, he asked how I spent my time. When I told him I was a writer, he offered me a job on the spot as an editor for one of the medical journals that he published.
Don't dwell on the pain.
No matter what type of afflicton we are dealing with, we must trust that God has a better future for us. If we are patient and look to him for guidance, he will line up the right people at the right time so that doors open for us unexpectedly.
So, be patient if you're suffering through a hard time right now. God knows what plans he has for you. Read his promises and find something to occupy your mind until he brings about a change for the better.
Today's Challenge
If you're stuck in a difficult situation, find something productive to do that will take your mind off the pain. Follow your heart's desire in choosing a new activity, and God will do something good with it.
Be patient in affliction.
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:12 (NIV), Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. We've already learned how to increase our joy, and we're going to look at faithfulness in a few weeks. For today, I'd like to focus on being patient during times of affliction.
As survivors of abuse or trauma, most of us have a pretty good idea what it means to be afflicted. Abuse and trauma leave us with anger, fear, lack of trust, poor self-esteem, guilt, thoughts of revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. So how are we supposed to be patient while dealing with these problems?
Affliction can help us to develop patience.
Several years ago, I suffered from an illness that caused complete paralysis of my left arm and leg. My arm began functioning again relatively quickly, but my leg took months.
Paralysis meant that I spent months on end, lying in bed at home by myself while Joe and the kids went off during the day to work and school. Staring at my bedroom walls nearly drove me insane. I finally discovered two things that helped.
First, God's Word helped me to focus on his promises for my future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) was especially helpful: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I put all of my hope in this promise for a better future.
Second, creating a new purpose for myself made a big difference. I got a laptop and began writing short stories just to entertain myself.
One Sunday morning, a man I had never met approached me in my wheelchair to ask if he could pray for me. While he was wheeling me out of church after services to help me get in my car, he asked how I spent my time. When I told him I was a writer, he offered me a job on the spot as an editor for one of the medical journals that he published.
Don't dwell on the pain.
No matter what type of afflicton we are dealing with, we must trust that God has a better future for us. If we are patient and look to him for guidance, he will line up the right people at the right time so that doors open for us unexpectedly.
So, be patient if you're suffering through a hard time right now. God knows what plans he has for you. Read his promises and find something to occupy your mind until he brings about a change for the better.
Today's Challenge
If you're stuck in a difficult situation, find something productive to do that will take your mind off the pain. Follow your heart's desire in choosing a new activity, and God will do something good with it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Patience Can Calm a Quarrel
We continue today with our discussion about patience as part of my series, Thriving in God's Garden We are learning to apply the fruit of the Spirit to our lives, as found in Galatians 5:22.
What are you bickering about?
Proverbs 15:18 (NIV) tells us, A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
We learned last week that a great deal of conflict stems from relationships with people who don't know God. What are you bickering about with them? Finances? The sharing of household duties? The way you spend your free time? Issues with child rearing? Something else?
We all have disagreements with others that try our patience. But if we can maintain our composure and take the time we need to avoid quarreling, we grow stronger and more confident. Exercising patience develops our ability to exhibit greater self-control.
Close your mouth and listen.
Often, an argument could be avoided if we simply took more time to listen. We get into shouting matches with people, because we want them to hear our point of view. We forget that theirs may be just as important.
So, if we find ourselves disagreeing loudly with someone, we need to zip our lips and try to use some patience. We should listen carefully to what is being said. Looking for underlying messages that the person may be having trouble expressing can be helpful.
Abusers talk in circles.
We discovered yesterday that wisdom helps us to be patient with others. Arguments with abusers may require more than patience. Knowing that abusive people tend to talk in circles can help us to reduce the number of arguments we have with them.
Circular arguing starts out with a disagreement about an issue, turns the blame on us, and then demands an apology for something we haven't done. For example, a husband may blame his wife for spoiling their evening together, even though she did her best to prepare dinner on time and put the children to bed on schedule.
In reality, the husband may have spoiled their time together with critical comments directed at his wife, impatience with the children, and unrealistic demands. When the wife tries to point out the obvious, he brings up numerous past incidents to make her feel guilty. When he demands an apology from her, her temper flares. She knows that most of the trouble is not her fault, but he's like a rabid dog that won't let her loose.
It is not easy to be patient with verbal abusers, because we know deep down that they're wrong when they blame us for things they have done. There is no winning an argument with them. So, instead of shouting louder or trying to use better logic on them, we must just end the conversation. We can quit talking or walk away.
Practice deflecting verbal abuse.
I learned a very helpful technique in deflecting the hurtful words of abusive people. Our body language can send a powerful message to them, which they pick up on much more quickly than words.
We can cross our arms, cross our legs, and look to the side. Most importantly, we must stop responding. These gestures work wonders to throw an abuser off balance. Within minutes, his blustering ends, and he walks away in frustration. Refusing to engage in quarreling with an abuser is an excellent way to develop patience. It also helps us move closer to recovery.
Today's Challenge
Practice deflecting an argument with an abusive person today. Try the body language suggested above and see what happens. Then, try to encourage conversation with someone else who is healthier by looking into their eyes, setting aside other tasks, and paraphrasing what they have said. This type of response to them helps us to develop patience and understanding.
What are you bickering about?
Proverbs 15:18 (NIV) tells us, A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
We learned last week that a great deal of conflict stems from relationships with people who don't know God. What are you bickering about with them? Finances? The sharing of household duties? The way you spend your free time? Issues with child rearing? Something else?
We all have disagreements with others that try our patience. But if we can maintain our composure and take the time we need to avoid quarreling, we grow stronger and more confident. Exercising patience develops our ability to exhibit greater self-control.
Close your mouth and listen.
Often, an argument could be avoided if we simply took more time to listen. We get into shouting matches with people, because we want them to hear our point of view. We forget that theirs may be just as important.
So, if we find ourselves disagreeing loudly with someone, we need to zip our lips and try to use some patience. We should listen carefully to what is being said. Looking for underlying messages that the person may be having trouble expressing can be helpful.
Abusers talk in circles.
We discovered yesterday that wisdom helps us to be patient with others. Arguments with abusers may require more than patience. Knowing that abusive people tend to talk in circles can help us to reduce the number of arguments we have with them.
Circular arguing starts out with a disagreement about an issue, turns the blame on us, and then demands an apology for something we haven't done. For example, a husband may blame his wife for spoiling their evening together, even though she did her best to prepare dinner on time and put the children to bed on schedule.
In reality, the husband may have spoiled their time together with critical comments directed at his wife, impatience with the children, and unrealistic demands. When the wife tries to point out the obvious, he brings up numerous past incidents to make her feel guilty. When he demands an apology from her, her temper flares. She knows that most of the trouble is not her fault, but he's like a rabid dog that won't let her loose.
It is not easy to be patient with verbal abusers, because we know deep down that they're wrong when they blame us for things they have done. There is no winning an argument with them. So, instead of shouting louder or trying to use better logic on them, we must just end the conversation. We can quit talking or walk away.
Practice deflecting verbal abuse.
I learned a very helpful technique in deflecting the hurtful words of abusive people. Our body language can send a powerful message to them, which they pick up on much more quickly than words.
We can cross our arms, cross our legs, and look to the side. Most importantly, we must stop responding. These gestures work wonders to throw an abuser off balance. Within minutes, his blustering ends, and he walks away in frustration. Refusing to engage in quarreling with an abuser is an excellent way to develop patience. It also helps us move closer to recovery.
Today's Challenge
Practice deflecting an argument with an abusive person today. Try the body language suggested above and see what happens. Then, try to encourage conversation with someone else who is healthier by looking into their eyes, setting aside other tasks, and paraphrasing what they have said. This type of response to them helps us to develop patience and understanding.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Are You a Peacekeeper or a Peacemaker?
We conclude this week's thoughts about peace with a question about whether we are peacekeepers or peacemakers. This marks week three in my nine-week series titled, Thriving in God's Garden.
Are you a peacekeeper or a peacemaker?
When I pose this question to people, they must stop and think what it means to be a peacekeeper versus a peacemaker. In my mind, a peacekeeper is a person who hates conflict and will do anything to avoid it. A peacemaker, on the other hand, is a person who is not afraid of conflict and is willing to butt heads with others to create positive change.
Most victims of childhood sexual abuse or domestic violence fall into the category of peacekeepers. They walk on eggshells or make themselves as close to invisible as they can in order to avoid further abuse.
I used to be a peacekeeper.
When I was younger, I was a peacekeeper. During my first marriage, I did everything in my power to make sure that I didn't anger my husband. If he insisted on his dinner being scalding hot at 5:15, I made sure it was on the table the instant he walked through the door. When he said that he never wanted to see any evidence that children lived in the house, I made sure that all of the toys and the kids were tucked away in the bedrooms before he came home.
As you can imagine, this did not create for a peaceful existence for me or for my children. As the kids grew older, they became expert peacekeepers, too. All of them headed straight for their bedrooms the minute they got off the school bus. Dinner was eaten in silence, and the kids disappeared again the instant they finished eating.
Today, I am a peacemaker.
My first glimpse of how different life could be if I gave up peacekeeping came about two weeks after I left my first husband. I was preparing dinner for the kids, and they all bounded into the eat-in area. While I was putting food on the table, I realized that they were all talking. It wasn't until they burst into peals of laughter for the first time in years that I saw clearly how much my peacekeeping efforts had been stifling their spirits.
I decided then that I would never walk on eggshells again, and I would teach my children to speak out against anything that they felt was immoral or unfair. Through many years of counseling, I learned how to role-play conversations with people who needed to be confronted. Eventually, I learned how to become a peacemaker. You can, too.
Peacemakers speak the truth in love and stand their ground.
Someone once told me that abusers are just like cut-out paper tigers on a stage, with dry ice creating a smoke screen around them. If you blow on them, they fall over, and the fake smoke disappears.
It wasn't easy, but I eventually learned that peacemakers speak the truth in love and stand their ground. Ephesians 4:25 (NIV) tells us, Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor. So, if someone does something wrong, the Bible tells us that we must tell them truthfully that what they did was wrong and that it hurt us.
Peacemaking initially results in greater conflict.
It is important to realize that peacemaking doesn't always create immediate peace between people. In fact, it may drive some people apart...which is sometimes better, anyway. When we speak the truth in love, we usually discover inner peace, even while we create external conflict with the people who have hurt us.
When we stand up for ourselves, we must accept that it is going to create conflict. But if we stick to our resolve that we will not allow others to abuse us, we soon learn that the bullies of this world move on to pick on weaker people. Yes, there will be conflict when we confront bullies, but eventually, they will take it with them when they leave us alone.
Stop lying to yourself and others.
Peacekeepers spend a lot of time lying about their feelings. They tell themselves that others haven't hurt them, even though they struggle with repressed anger and resentment. If internalized, anger and the words we would like to say can lead to very poor health and depression.
When abusive people hurt us, we may lie to them or to others about the abuse. We may cover up bruises, tell tales about how happy we are, or become perfectionists to cover up our pain. Whether our lies are verbal or something inherent in our actions, we must stop. If we truly want to live peaceful lives, we must speak out when things are amiss.
The fruit of the Spirit
This week, we've learned the importance of removing ourselves from conflicted relationships, trusting in God as our source of peace, leading simple and quiet lives to promote inner peace, and speaking the truth in love. Next week, we will look at ways to develop patience. Remember that this series is based on the fruit of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22. Have you memorized it yet?
Today's Challenge
Take some time today to consider whether you are a peacekeeper or a peacemaker. If you are prone to peacekeeping, find someone to help you learn how to stand up for yourself. Practice ways of speaking the truth in love when people hurt you.
Are you a peacekeeper or a peacemaker?
When I pose this question to people, they must stop and think what it means to be a peacekeeper versus a peacemaker. In my mind, a peacekeeper is a person who hates conflict and will do anything to avoid it. A peacemaker, on the other hand, is a person who is not afraid of conflict and is willing to butt heads with others to create positive change.
Most victims of childhood sexual abuse or domestic violence fall into the category of peacekeepers. They walk on eggshells or make themselves as close to invisible as they can in order to avoid further abuse.
I used to be a peacekeeper.
When I was younger, I was a peacekeeper. During my first marriage, I did everything in my power to make sure that I didn't anger my husband. If he insisted on his dinner being scalding hot at 5:15, I made sure it was on the table the instant he walked through the door. When he said that he never wanted to see any evidence that children lived in the house, I made sure that all of the toys and the kids were tucked away in the bedrooms before he came home.
As you can imagine, this did not create for a peaceful existence for me or for my children. As the kids grew older, they became expert peacekeepers, too. All of them headed straight for their bedrooms the minute they got off the school bus. Dinner was eaten in silence, and the kids disappeared again the instant they finished eating.
Today, I am a peacemaker.
My first glimpse of how different life could be if I gave up peacekeeping came about two weeks after I left my first husband. I was preparing dinner for the kids, and they all bounded into the eat-in area. While I was putting food on the table, I realized that they were all talking. It wasn't until they burst into peals of laughter for the first time in years that I saw clearly how much my peacekeeping efforts had been stifling their spirits.
I decided then that I would never walk on eggshells again, and I would teach my children to speak out against anything that they felt was immoral or unfair. Through many years of counseling, I learned how to role-play conversations with people who needed to be confronted. Eventually, I learned how to become a peacemaker. You can, too.
Peacemakers speak the truth in love and stand their ground.
Someone once told me that abusers are just like cut-out paper tigers on a stage, with dry ice creating a smoke screen around them. If you blow on them, they fall over, and the fake smoke disappears.
It wasn't easy, but I eventually learned that peacemakers speak the truth in love and stand their ground. Ephesians 4:25 (NIV) tells us, Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor. So, if someone does something wrong, the Bible tells us that we must tell them truthfully that what they did was wrong and that it hurt us.
Peacemaking initially results in greater conflict.
It is important to realize that peacemaking doesn't always create immediate peace between people. In fact, it may drive some people apart...which is sometimes better, anyway. When we speak the truth in love, we usually discover inner peace, even while we create external conflict with the people who have hurt us.
When we stand up for ourselves, we must accept that it is going to create conflict. But if we stick to our resolve that we will not allow others to abuse us, we soon learn that the bullies of this world move on to pick on weaker people. Yes, there will be conflict when we confront bullies, but eventually, they will take it with them when they leave us alone.
Stop lying to yourself and others.
Peacekeepers spend a lot of time lying about their feelings. They tell themselves that others haven't hurt them, even though they struggle with repressed anger and resentment. If internalized, anger and the words we would like to say can lead to very poor health and depression.
When abusive people hurt us, we may lie to them or to others about the abuse. We may cover up bruises, tell tales about how happy we are, or become perfectionists to cover up our pain. Whether our lies are verbal or something inherent in our actions, we must stop. If we truly want to live peaceful lives, we must speak out when things are amiss.
The fruit of the Spirit
This week, we've learned the importance of removing ourselves from conflicted relationships, trusting in God as our source of peace, leading simple and quiet lives to promote inner peace, and speaking the truth in love. Next week, we will look at ways to develop patience. Remember that this series is based on the fruit of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22. Have you memorized it yet?
Today's Challenge
Take some time today to consider whether you are a peacekeeper or a peacemaker. If you are prone to peacekeeping, find someone to help you learn how to stand up for yourself. Practice ways of speaking the truth in love when people hurt you.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Trust God to Increase Your Peace
Yesterday, we took a look at what happens to our peace when we choose to remain in relationships with people who constantly rob us of it. Today, I want to examine how a relationship with God changes our peace. This is a continuation of my series, Thriving in God's Garden, a study of the fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians 5:22.
We yearn for peace.
In recent days, Japan has been rocked by the world's worst earthquake, followed by a tsunami that destroyed homes, cars, highways, and ships. Terrified occupants of the city of Sendai literally ran for their lives, which proved futile for many, since the wall of water was racing across the land at over 50 miles per hour.
After more than a month, the city is still in a state of shock. Nearby nuclear reactors have leaked radiation into the air, the drinking water, and the sea. Produce growing on the land is now unfit to eat. Piles of shifting rubble includes homes and cars. Nearly 15,000 people are still missing, and whether they lie dead under that rubble or have been washed out to sea remains a mystery.
In a situation such as this, people yearn for order to be restored. When everything that we rely on, such as electricity, water, mass transit, gasoline, autos, and food are all taken away from us; we sense that there is no one in control of the world anymore. If we don't know God, this type of loss can cause really severe emotional and spiritual turmoil.
During chaos, we look for someone to restore order.
When tragedies such as the Japanese tsunami strike, most people look to someone for help in restoring order. Police officers, paramedics, fire fighters, doctors, nurses, military workers, and many volunteers become the heroes who restore order.
These first responders often receive our heartfelt thanks for their efforts to save our lives. But what happens when the sense of urgency dies down and those workers leave an area that has been left in chaos? Who do we look to for help then?
God must be our greatest hero.
People who experience a close brush with death often realize how fleeting our lives truly are. When we witness our neighbors dying, our sense of self-reliance washes out to sea as swiftly and easily as a house borne by a tsunami.
At times like these, we must rely on God to restore order. If we trust in him and acknowledge that he knows what is best for us, then we can maintain inner peace at times when everyone else is running in circles and screaming hysterically.
Psalm 20:7 (NIV) reads, Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. I like the Message version of the Bible for this same verse: See those people polishing their chariots, and those others grooming their horses? But we're making garlands for God our God. The chariots will rust, those horses pull up lame--and we'll be on our feet, standing tall.
When we forget about God and begin focusing mostly on activities such as polishing our cars and decorating our houses, we run the risk of losing our inner peace if chaos strikes. In the United States, we haven't experienced a tsunami, but many of us are losing our shiny cars and enormous houses to the banks. When we put our trust in things that can be whisked away from us through natural disasters or a faltering economy, we lose our peace as swiftly as the victims of the tsunami did.
Put your trust in God alone.
I have suffered tremendous losses over the course of my life. I have survived childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, a closed-head injury, four serious car accidents, stage four cancer, the loss of three babies, a disrupted adoption, near-bankruptcy, a paralyzing stroke, business loss, and a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.
I cannot fathom how crazy I would be if I didn't know God. In fact, I doubt that I would still be alive today without my greatest hero, because I would have taken my own life along the way.
But because I chose to look to God for help in times of trouble, he restored my peace in a way that no emergency worker, doctor, banker, or therapist could. My greatest source of peace has always been Psalm 91, which I discovered while I awaited surgery for cancer. The first two verses read:
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
The last verse of this Psalm reads:
He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.
There is no government guarantee or insurance policy big enough to make promises like God does. He vows to stay with us when tsunamis tear our homes from their foundations. He guarantees that he will rescue us when the storms of life bluster against us. With God, we have everything we need, because whether we survive in this life or not, he promises eternal life with him in heaven.
Today's Challenge
Go to www.biblegateway.com or your own Bible to read all of Psalm 91 today. Begin putting your trust in God, and your peace will grow.
We yearn for peace.
In recent days, Japan has been rocked by the world's worst earthquake, followed by a tsunami that destroyed homes, cars, highways, and ships. Terrified occupants of the city of Sendai literally ran for their lives, which proved futile for many, since the wall of water was racing across the land at over 50 miles per hour.
After more than a month, the city is still in a state of shock. Nearby nuclear reactors have leaked radiation into the air, the drinking water, and the sea. Produce growing on the land is now unfit to eat. Piles of shifting rubble includes homes and cars. Nearly 15,000 people are still missing, and whether they lie dead under that rubble or have been washed out to sea remains a mystery.
In a situation such as this, people yearn for order to be restored. When everything that we rely on, such as electricity, water, mass transit, gasoline, autos, and food are all taken away from us; we sense that there is no one in control of the world anymore. If we don't know God, this type of loss can cause really severe emotional and spiritual turmoil.
During chaos, we look for someone to restore order.
When tragedies such as the Japanese tsunami strike, most people look to someone for help in restoring order. Police officers, paramedics, fire fighters, doctors, nurses, military workers, and many volunteers become the heroes who restore order.
These first responders often receive our heartfelt thanks for their efforts to save our lives. But what happens when the sense of urgency dies down and those workers leave an area that has been left in chaos? Who do we look to for help then?
God must be our greatest hero.
People who experience a close brush with death often realize how fleeting our lives truly are. When we witness our neighbors dying, our sense of self-reliance washes out to sea as swiftly and easily as a house borne by a tsunami.
At times like these, we must rely on God to restore order. If we trust in him and acknowledge that he knows what is best for us, then we can maintain inner peace at times when everyone else is running in circles and screaming hysterically.
Psalm 20:7 (NIV) reads, Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. I like the Message version of the Bible for this same verse: See those people polishing their chariots, and those others grooming their horses? But we're making garlands for God our God. The chariots will rust, those horses pull up lame--and we'll be on our feet, standing tall.
When we forget about God and begin focusing mostly on activities such as polishing our cars and decorating our houses, we run the risk of losing our inner peace if chaos strikes. In the United States, we haven't experienced a tsunami, but many of us are losing our shiny cars and enormous houses to the banks. When we put our trust in things that can be whisked away from us through natural disasters or a faltering economy, we lose our peace as swiftly as the victims of the tsunami did.
Put your trust in God alone.
I have suffered tremendous losses over the course of my life. I have survived childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, a closed-head injury, four serious car accidents, stage four cancer, the loss of three babies, a disrupted adoption, near-bankruptcy, a paralyzing stroke, business loss, and a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.
I cannot fathom how crazy I would be if I didn't know God. In fact, I doubt that I would still be alive today without my greatest hero, because I would have taken my own life along the way.
But because I chose to look to God for help in times of trouble, he restored my peace in a way that no emergency worker, doctor, banker, or therapist could. My greatest source of peace has always been Psalm 91, which I discovered while I awaited surgery for cancer. The first two verses read:
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
The last verse of this Psalm reads:
He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.
There is no government guarantee or insurance policy big enough to make promises like God does. He vows to stay with us when tsunamis tear our homes from their foundations. He guarantees that he will rescue us when the storms of life bluster against us. With God, we have everything we need, because whether we survive in this life or not, he promises eternal life with him in heaven.
Today's Challenge
Go to www.biblegateway.com or your own Bible to read all of Psalm 91 today. Begin putting your trust in God, and your peace will grow.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Conflict is the Absence of Peace
We will be learning this week about how to achieve peace in our ongoing series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study is based on the fruit of the Spirit, which is found in Galatians 5:22 (NIV): But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentlenesss and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Got peace?
Before we talk about how to achieve peace, I would like to address what happens when we have an absence of it. Because if we have a disagreement with someone, it can affect everything we do.
If we allow a conflict to go on without speaking our peace, forgiving one another, and reconciling; we can get stuck in a very uncomfortable place. We may find ourselves dreaming about the problem, thinking about the disagreement instead of working, and suffering from depression and physical ailments. We know that we must settle the problem so that we can get back to the business of living.
Some disagreements are relatively easy to settle. When we say something that our spouse takes the wrong way, and he lashes back in defense mode, all it takes is a short discussion to get things back on track.
But when our disagreement involves something as serious as childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or criminal acts; it is much more difficult to achieve a sense of inner peace. We long for an opportunity to settle the matter so that we can begin our lives over again.
God knows the way to peace.
God's Word reminds us that he desires peace for us, but we get ourselves into situations where we can never achieve it. Isaiah 48:17-22 (NIV) reads:
This is what the Lord says--your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendents would have been like the sand, your children like its numberless grains; their name would never be cut off nor destroyed from before me."
Leave Babylon, flee from the Babylonians! Announce this with shouts of joy and proclaim it out to the ends of the earth; say, 'The Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob.' They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts; he made water flow for them from the rock; he split the rock and water gushed out. "There is no peace" says the Lord, "for the wicked."
God knows when we have strayed into wrong relationships, and he will lead us away from them to a place of safety if we trust him. Just as he told the Israelites of long ago to flee from the wicked Babylonians, he is telling us today to flee from wicked people. With them, there can never be peace.
Go to a peaceful place.
If we find ourselves in situations where people are continuing to abuse us or commit crimes against us, we cannot find the lasting peace God wants us to have there. We must find a peaceful place where we can work on restoring our souls.
Sometimes, we are not in a position to remove ourselves from the house or apartment that we share with an abusive partner. In cases like this, finding a little space where we find peace can be a good beginning.
In my first marriage, I discovered a place of safety in the bonus room over our garage. I bought a dead-bolt lock, installed it on the door, and barricaded myself in that room at night so that I could sleep. In my sanctuary, I had time to think about other things besides defending myself against further abuse.
When we find ourselves living like this, our first thoughts should be about how we are going to move to a place of peace. I considered going to a safe house, but doing so would have created tremendous upheaval for my children.
I met women during this time in my life who were running with their children from one safe house to the next. They were terrified of being caught by their abusers, and they lived like criminals on the run. Sadly, the government often treats such abused women as kidnappers when their spouses file charges against them for denying them access to the children.
And when the situation really escalates out of control, women on the run are found dead...murdered by their abusers. I was shocked when I discovered that one of the women in my discussion group had been killed by her husband. He had beaten her to a pulp, and when she tried to run, he drove over her with the family car.
Statistics tell us that 70 percent of women who try to leave abusive relationships are murdered. This is a sobering number, and it ought to make us think hard about how we are going to remove ourselves and our children safely.
Get help.
It is best to enlist the aid of a professional therapist and the police when attempting to leave an abusive relationship. The therapist bolsters our courage, and the police keep an eye on the abuser.
Before leaving, it is imperative to file for a restraining order. This is a court order that is free and relatively easy to obtain. In my state, all I had to do was prove that my abuser had harmed me twice within a span of two weeks.
The proof can be hand-written documentation of threats, photos of injuries, receipts from emergency room treatments, recordings of telephone messages, and so on. The court tends to err on the side of the person claiming the abuse, because people's lives are at stake.
Eventually, there must be a hearing to prove these claims, so this is where the therapist is helpful. It can be terrifying to face an abuser in court, but there are many supportive people who can stand by us in the process.
Conflict leaves many scars.
Achieving a sense of peace takes a long time after surviving an abusive relationship. For years afterward, we may find ourselves looking over our shoulders, expecting our abusers to be following us home.
We often develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of the terror that we have experienced, both within the relationship and after it has ended. It may take us 10 to 20 years to overcome the trauma, provided we have the right therapist helping us. Without help, we may never recover.
It is impossible to achieve a sense of peace if we live in abusive or highly conflicted relationships. I pray that my readers will take action if they find themselves in such a place. Tomorrow, we will look at how to create new lives for ourselves that provide us with more than basic safety.
Today's Challenge
If you are living in an abusive relationship, take steps today to provide yourself and your children with a safe haven. Call or visit a women's shelter for advice on how to safely leave. Take action by making a commitment to meet regularly with a therapist who is well-trained in assisting abused women.
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Got peace?
Before we talk about how to achieve peace, I would like to address what happens when we have an absence of it. Because if we have a disagreement with someone, it can affect everything we do.
If we allow a conflict to go on without speaking our peace, forgiving one another, and reconciling; we can get stuck in a very uncomfortable place. We may find ourselves dreaming about the problem, thinking about the disagreement instead of working, and suffering from depression and physical ailments. We know that we must settle the problem so that we can get back to the business of living.
Some disagreements are relatively easy to settle. When we say something that our spouse takes the wrong way, and he lashes back in defense mode, all it takes is a short discussion to get things back on track.
But when our disagreement involves something as serious as childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or criminal acts; it is much more difficult to achieve a sense of inner peace. We long for an opportunity to settle the matter so that we can begin our lives over again.
God knows the way to peace.
God's Word reminds us that he desires peace for us, but we get ourselves into situations where we can never achieve it. Isaiah 48:17-22 (NIV) reads:
This is what the Lord says--your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendents would have been like the sand, your children like its numberless grains; their name would never be cut off nor destroyed from before me."
Leave Babylon, flee from the Babylonians! Announce this with shouts of joy and proclaim it out to the ends of the earth; say, 'The Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob.' They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts; he made water flow for them from the rock; he split the rock and water gushed out. "There is no peace" says the Lord, "for the wicked."
God knows when we have strayed into wrong relationships, and he will lead us away from them to a place of safety if we trust him. Just as he told the Israelites of long ago to flee from the wicked Babylonians, he is telling us today to flee from wicked people. With them, there can never be peace.
Go to a peaceful place.
If we find ourselves in situations where people are continuing to abuse us or commit crimes against us, we cannot find the lasting peace God wants us to have there. We must find a peaceful place where we can work on restoring our souls.
Sometimes, we are not in a position to remove ourselves from the house or apartment that we share with an abusive partner. In cases like this, finding a little space where we find peace can be a good beginning.
In my first marriage, I discovered a place of safety in the bonus room over our garage. I bought a dead-bolt lock, installed it on the door, and barricaded myself in that room at night so that I could sleep. In my sanctuary, I had time to think about other things besides defending myself against further abuse.
When we find ourselves living like this, our first thoughts should be about how we are going to move to a place of peace. I considered going to a safe house, but doing so would have created tremendous upheaval for my children.
I met women during this time in my life who were running with their children from one safe house to the next. They were terrified of being caught by their abusers, and they lived like criminals on the run. Sadly, the government often treats such abused women as kidnappers when their spouses file charges against them for denying them access to the children.
And when the situation really escalates out of control, women on the run are found dead...murdered by their abusers. I was shocked when I discovered that one of the women in my discussion group had been killed by her husband. He had beaten her to a pulp, and when she tried to run, he drove over her with the family car.
Statistics tell us that 70 percent of women who try to leave abusive relationships are murdered. This is a sobering number, and it ought to make us think hard about how we are going to remove ourselves and our children safely.
Get help.
It is best to enlist the aid of a professional therapist and the police when attempting to leave an abusive relationship. The therapist bolsters our courage, and the police keep an eye on the abuser.
Before leaving, it is imperative to file for a restraining order. This is a court order that is free and relatively easy to obtain. In my state, all I had to do was prove that my abuser had harmed me twice within a span of two weeks.
The proof can be hand-written documentation of threats, photos of injuries, receipts from emergency room treatments, recordings of telephone messages, and so on. The court tends to err on the side of the person claiming the abuse, because people's lives are at stake.
Eventually, there must be a hearing to prove these claims, so this is where the therapist is helpful. It can be terrifying to face an abuser in court, but there are many supportive people who can stand by us in the process.
Conflict leaves many scars.
Achieving a sense of peace takes a long time after surviving an abusive relationship. For years afterward, we may find ourselves looking over our shoulders, expecting our abusers to be following us home.
We often develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of the terror that we have experienced, both within the relationship and after it has ended. It may take us 10 to 20 years to overcome the trauma, provided we have the right therapist helping us. Without help, we may never recover.
It is impossible to achieve a sense of peace if we live in abusive or highly conflicted relationships. I pray that my readers will take action if they find themselves in such a place. Tomorrow, we will look at how to create new lives for ourselves that provide us with more than basic safety.
Today's Challenge
If you are living in an abusive relationship, take steps today to provide yourself and your children with a safe haven. Call or visit a women's shelter for advice on how to safely leave. Take action by making a commitment to meet regularly with a therapist who is well-trained in assisting abused women.
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Friday, April 8, 2011
Share Your Joy With Others
We conclude this week's discussion about joy with some thoughts about sharing it with others. This is the second in a nine-part series on the fruit of the Spirit, which I have titled, Thriving in God's Garden.
Be joyful always.
God created us to share his joy with others. The apostle Paul wrote in I Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV), Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
Notice that this verse doesn't say, Be joyful when things are going well. God wants us to be joyful all the time. I realize that this is a tall order, but it is something for us to strive for.
Sometimes life causes us tremendous pain, emotional let-downs, grief, and anxiety. Abuse and trauma can leave us with big, gaping emotional wounds.
Ecclesiastes 5:1 and 4 (NIV) tell us, There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. There will be times when it is more appropriate to cry than to laugh, but it doesn't mean that our joy leaves us completely.
Joy is something that remains with us if we know God, even when we are sad about our life circumstances. We may not be happy about what is going on, but we cling to the joy of knowing that God is in control of all things and will work them out for our good.
Romans 8:28 (NIV) reminds us, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Focus on God, not the pain.
A car accident last year, complicated by a history of multiple sclerosis, has left me with some pretty significant, unrelenting pain. Today, that pain is so severe, it is interfering with my ability to type. If I dwell on it, I may find myself in tears, unable to think or work. If I let the pain take over, I may snap at my husband, my dog, and anyone else I encounter.
On the other hand, if I remember that this pain is temporary and that God is eternal, I can deal with the discomfort. I can greet others with a cheerful smile, interact with them patiently, and share God's joy by not mentioning the pain. Because every time I bring up the pain, I lose an opportunity to remain focused on God's blessings. Talking about the pain empowers it and reduces my joy.
When I walk away from people after telling them about my pain, they feel downcast, and I feel badly. I realize afterward that I didn't encourage them with my complaints, and I missed an opportunity to show them what it means to be joyful always and to be thankful in all circumstances.
Please note that this doesn't mean I should be fake with my closest friends and family members. I can ask them to pray for me so that the pain will become more bearable. But outside of my prayer circle, the only person who needs to know about my pain is my doctor.
When we're struggling with the aftermath of abuse or trauma, it isn't appropriate for us to share our burdens with everyone we meet. Talking with a professional counselor, a few close friends, and a prayer group is sufficient.
Let your joy shine.
When we give up whining about our problems and our pain, we need to replace those negative thoughts and words with positive ones. When we greet people, we need to tell them how blessed we are with a smile on our faces.
Often, we don't have to say anything special to demonstrate to others that we are joyful, knowing that God is in control. Many people have told me that I have inspired them, because I live with MS and still keep smiling. This always surprises me, but I realize that my smile is an encouragement to others, even on days when I am in a lot of pain.
In conclusion, we have learned this week that getting away from abusive or neglectful people can increase our ability to maintain our joy. When we look to God to fulfill all our needs, we become thankful for all that he does to bless us each day. Our joy shows forth through our creative efforts, and it shines for others when we remain focused on God instead of our problems.
Next week, we will continue with this series, Thriving in God's Garden, with a look at peace.
Today's Challenge
If you are struggling with unbearable pain or difficult life circumstances, tell God about them. Ask a few prayer warriors to pray for you. Then, focus on the blessings that God has given you, and let your joy shine for the rest of the world to see.
Be joyful always.
God created us to share his joy with others. The apostle Paul wrote in I Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV), Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
Notice that this verse doesn't say, Be joyful when things are going well. God wants us to be joyful all the time. I realize that this is a tall order, but it is something for us to strive for.
Sometimes life causes us tremendous pain, emotional let-downs, grief, and anxiety. Abuse and trauma can leave us with big, gaping emotional wounds.
Ecclesiastes 5:1 and 4 (NIV) tell us, There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. There will be times when it is more appropriate to cry than to laugh, but it doesn't mean that our joy leaves us completely.
Joy is something that remains with us if we know God, even when we are sad about our life circumstances. We may not be happy about what is going on, but we cling to the joy of knowing that God is in control of all things and will work them out for our good.
Romans 8:28 (NIV) reminds us, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Focus on God, not the pain.
A car accident last year, complicated by a history of multiple sclerosis, has left me with some pretty significant, unrelenting pain. Today, that pain is so severe, it is interfering with my ability to type. If I dwell on it, I may find myself in tears, unable to think or work. If I let the pain take over, I may snap at my husband, my dog, and anyone else I encounter.
On the other hand, if I remember that this pain is temporary and that God is eternal, I can deal with the discomfort. I can greet others with a cheerful smile, interact with them patiently, and share God's joy by not mentioning the pain. Because every time I bring up the pain, I lose an opportunity to remain focused on God's blessings. Talking about the pain empowers it and reduces my joy.
When I walk away from people after telling them about my pain, they feel downcast, and I feel badly. I realize afterward that I didn't encourage them with my complaints, and I missed an opportunity to show them what it means to be joyful always and to be thankful in all circumstances.
Please note that this doesn't mean I should be fake with my closest friends and family members. I can ask them to pray for me so that the pain will become more bearable. But outside of my prayer circle, the only person who needs to know about my pain is my doctor.
When we're struggling with the aftermath of abuse or trauma, it isn't appropriate for us to share our burdens with everyone we meet. Talking with a professional counselor, a few close friends, and a prayer group is sufficient.
Let your joy shine.
When we give up whining about our problems and our pain, we need to replace those negative thoughts and words with positive ones. When we greet people, we need to tell them how blessed we are with a smile on our faces.
Often, we don't have to say anything special to demonstrate to others that we are joyful, knowing that God is in control. Many people have told me that I have inspired them, because I live with MS and still keep smiling. This always surprises me, but I realize that my smile is an encouragement to others, even on days when I am in a lot of pain.
In conclusion, we have learned this week that getting away from abusive or neglectful people can increase our ability to maintain our joy. When we look to God to fulfill all our needs, we become thankful for all that he does to bless us each day. Our joy shows forth through our creative efforts, and it shines for others when we remain focused on God instead of our problems.
Next week, we will continue with this series, Thriving in God's Garden, with a look at peace.
Today's Challenge
If you are struggling with unbearable pain or difficult life circumstances, tell God about them. Ask a few prayer warriors to pray for you. Then, focus on the blessings that God has given you, and let your joy shine for the rest of the world to see.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Express Your Joy to God
In this series, Thriving in God's Garden, we are learning this week about joy. We know now that abuse steals our joy, and hardships can cause it to falter. But trusting in God to restore our joy always brings about positive results. Today, we look at ways to express our joy to God.
Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent
When I was three years old, I received a much-anticipated gift at Christmas: Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent. For those of you who aren't quite as old as I am, Cecil was a cartoon character, and I desperately wanted him.
My dad took a home movie of me when I discovered Cecil under the tree. You've never seen a reaction quite like mine on that day. I flapped my hands like a hummingbird's wings and ran in place as if I were standing on hot coals. Then, I began jumping up and down, and the grin on my face nearly split my head in two.
My reaction to Cecil was an excellent example of what joy looks like. Ever since then, when I get really excited about something that makes me joyful, I break into the Cecil Dance.
Life can suck the dance right out of us.
We are born to experience the type of joy that I felt over Cecil's arrival on Christmas. But devastating experiences, such as childhood sexual abuse, dometic violence, or traumatic events can drain the joy completely out of us.
And we don't have to be victims of abuse or trauma to have our joy dampened by all of the rules and regulations imposed on us as children. Grown-ups tell us not to run, not to shout, not to jump up and down when we're excited. We're taught to keep our mouths shut and to act like little ladies and gentlemen.
Many of us struggle with depression, because we have never been allowed to let our joy shine. We go to lackluster jobs that we hate, socialize with people who bore us, and deny ourselves many pleasures, because we've been taught that it's wrong to kick up our heels and giggle.
Show God your joy.
There are many ways to express the joy that God gives us. Psalm 66:1 (NIV) tells us, Shout with joy to God, all the earth! Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious! Psalm 149:3 (NIV) says, Let them praise his name with dancing and make music to him with tambourine and harp.
If you can't do the Cecil Dance around other people when you're happy, at least show God that you're joyful behind closed doors. During your prayer time, thank him for the countless blessings that you receive every day. If you don't feel blessed, remember that every breath you draw is a gift from God. Start there.
Before long, you'll begin to realize that you're whistling a little tune or humming to yourself. Because when you're thankful, joy bubbles forth.
Find ways to pop the cork and let your joy bubble over. Maybe you can join the church choir or play an instrument in the band. Music is a powerful way to express our joy. My favorite way to express joy is to play hymns and praise music on the piano.
If music isn't your strong suit, perhaps you can express your joy through art. Painting, drawing, sewing, embroidering, knitting, scrapbooking, beading, and many other crafts provide us with an outlet for creativity. In my opinion, creativity is merely the outward expression of our inner joy.
Not a musician or an artist? How about dancing? You don't have to be Ginger Rogers or Fred Astaire to express the joy you feel. Just crank up the radio in your own house and start jumping around. Let the music lead you, and before you know it, you'll be grinning.
I hope you're getting the picture about how to generate joy and how to express it to God. Tomorrow, we'll look at ways to share our joy with others.
Today's Challenge
In your prayer time, tell God thank you for all that he does to bless you. Then, find a way today to express your gratitude to him through music, art, or dance.
Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent
When I was three years old, I received a much-anticipated gift at Christmas: Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent. For those of you who aren't quite as old as I am, Cecil was a cartoon character, and I desperately wanted him.
My dad took a home movie of me when I discovered Cecil under the tree. You've never seen a reaction quite like mine on that day. I flapped my hands like a hummingbird's wings and ran in place as if I were standing on hot coals. Then, I began jumping up and down, and the grin on my face nearly split my head in two.
My reaction to Cecil was an excellent example of what joy looks like. Ever since then, when I get really excited about something that makes me joyful, I break into the Cecil Dance.
Life can suck the dance right out of us.
We are born to experience the type of joy that I felt over Cecil's arrival on Christmas. But devastating experiences, such as childhood sexual abuse, dometic violence, or traumatic events can drain the joy completely out of us.
And we don't have to be victims of abuse or trauma to have our joy dampened by all of the rules and regulations imposed on us as children. Grown-ups tell us not to run, not to shout, not to jump up and down when we're excited. We're taught to keep our mouths shut and to act like little ladies and gentlemen.
Many of us struggle with depression, because we have never been allowed to let our joy shine. We go to lackluster jobs that we hate, socialize with people who bore us, and deny ourselves many pleasures, because we've been taught that it's wrong to kick up our heels and giggle.
Show God your joy.
There are many ways to express the joy that God gives us. Psalm 66:1 (NIV) tells us, Shout with joy to God, all the earth! Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious! Psalm 149:3 (NIV) says, Let them praise his name with dancing and make music to him with tambourine and harp.
If you can't do the Cecil Dance around other people when you're happy, at least show God that you're joyful behind closed doors. During your prayer time, thank him for the countless blessings that you receive every day. If you don't feel blessed, remember that every breath you draw is a gift from God. Start there.
Before long, you'll begin to realize that you're whistling a little tune or humming to yourself. Because when you're thankful, joy bubbles forth.
Find ways to pop the cork and let your joy bubble over. Maybe you can join the church choir or play an instrument in the band. Music is a powerful way to express our joy. My favorite way to express joy is to play hymns and praise music on the piano.
If music isn't your strong suit, perhaps you can express your joy through art. Painting, drawing, sewing, embroidering, knitting, scrapbooking, beading, and many other crafts provide us with an outlet for creativity. In my opinion, creativity is merely the outward expression of our inner joy.
Not a musician or an artist? How about dancing? You don't have to be Ginger Rogers or Fred Astaire to express the joy you feel. Just crank up the radio in your own house and start jumping around. Let the music lead you, and before you know it, you'll be grinning.
I hope you're getting the picture about how to generate joy and how to express it to God. Tomorrow, we'll look at ways to share our joy with others.
Today's Challenge
In your prayer time, tell God thank you for all that he does to bless you. Then, find a way today to express your gratitude to him through music, art, or dance.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
God's Joy Sustains Us Through Hard Times
We continue this week with thoughts about joy in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Yesterday, we learned that we find joy when we develop a relationship with God. Today, we consider how our joy may decrease during hard times.
God's joy sustains us through hard times.
After we have left an abusive relationship and struck out on our own, we may still encounter hardships. Having the faith to follow God does not guarantee that our lives will become nothing but sunshine and roses.
Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NIV) reminds us that there will be hard times. But it also points out that God will still be our source of joy when those times come:
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Our level of joy can rise and fall.
After I divorced my first husband, I felt relieved to be freed from so many years of abuse. But, I also struggled with difficulties that threatened to steal my joy. For the first time in years, I had a full-time job. I felt completely overwhelmed by a workload that should have been shared by three people.
My children were thrust into the world of the latch-key bunch, and they endured battles of their own. My son got knocked off his bicycle on his way to school by a hit-and-run driver and ended up with a broken wrist. All of the kids struggled with the inevitable adjustments that go along with divorce and relocation.
The life changes we were experiencing caused all of the children and me a great deal of pain, and at the time, we weren't exactly whistling Dixie over it. During hard times, our joy may decrease for a while. But if we have a solid relationship with God, we can learn how to restore our joy.
Gratitude helps us to restore our joy.
When I looked back later at incidents, such as my son's broken wrist, I began to understand that knowing God made things a little easier. I thanked him for resolving problems for us and providing for our needs. Whenever I thanked God, I felt a little happier. And suddenly, for the first time in my life, I began to connect gratitude with joy.
If we look up joy in the Bible, we can find countless verses where thankfulness and joy go hand in hand. Many of the Psalms are based on this combination. Psalm 21:1 (NIV) reads, O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength. How great is his joy in the victories you give! Giving God thanks for our daily victories fills us with joy, even when life is difficult.
So, we know that leaving behind abusive, neglectful relationships can increase our joy. And relying on God to restore our joy, both in good times and in bad, is the best source of renewal. Tomorrow, we will look at ways that we can express our joy to God.
Today's Challenge
Are you going through a hard time right now? God promises to restore your joy. Look in his Word for references to joy and thank him, as the psalmist did, for your daily victories.
God's joy sustains us through hard times.
After we have left an abusive relationship and struck out on our own, we may still encounter hardships. Having the faith to follow God does not guarantee that our lives will become nothing but sunshine and roses.
Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NIV) reminds us that there will be hard times. But it also points out that God will still be our source of joy when those times come:
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Our level of joy can rise and fall.
After I divorced my first husband, I felt relieved to be freed from so many years of abuse. But, I also struggled with difficulties that threatened to steal my joy. For the first time in years, I had a full-time job. I felt completely overwhelmed by a workload that should have been shared by three people.
My children were thrust into the world of the latch-key bunch, and they endured battles of their own. My son got knocked off his bicycle on his way to school by a hit-and-run driver and ended up with a broken wrist. All of the kids struggled with the inevitable adjustments that go along with divorce and relocation.
The life changes we were experiencing caused all of the children and me a great deal of pain, and at the time, we weren't exactly whistling Dixie over it. During hard times, our joy may decrease for a while. But if we have a solid relationship with God, we can learn how to restore our joy.
Gratitude helps us to restore our joy.
When I looked back later at incidents, such as my son's broken wrist, I began to understand that knowing God made things a little easier. I thanked him for resolving problems for us and providing for our needs. Whenever I thanked God, I felt a little happier. And suddenly, for the first time in my life, I began to connect gratitude with joy.
If we look up joy in the Bible, we can find countless verses where thankfulness and joy go hand in hand. Many of the Psalms are based on this combination. Psalm 21:1 (NIV) reads, O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength. How great is his joy in the victories you give! Giving God thanks for our daily victories fills us with joy, even when life is difficult.
So, we know that leaving behind abusive, neglectful relationships can increase our joy. And relying on God to restore our joy, both in good times and in bad, is the best source of renewal. Tomorrow, we will look at ways that we can express our joy to God.
Today's Challenge
Are you going through a hard time right now? God promises to restore your joy. Look in his Word for references to joy and thank him, as the psalmist did, for your daily victories.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Why Don't We Feel Joyful?
We continue this week with my series, Thriving in God's Garden, with a look at joy. As a fruit of the Spirit of God, it can make our lives more beautiful, and it spills over onto others when we share it. However, I meet more people whose lives are devoid of joy than the ones who are bubbling over. Many ask me how to find it, and I would like to share my thoughts.
What is joy?
The dictionary defines joy as:
1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation;
2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated;
3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety; and
4. a state of happiness or felicity.
These four definitions can help us understand that there are differences between the source of our joy, the emotion of joy that we experience, ways of expressing our joy, and a state of mental and spiritual contentment that comes when the first three are appropriately experienced.
Eeyore Christians
I get really tired of hearing other believers say with a deep sigh and furrowed brow, "I'm joyful." Their lives are a mess, often because their most important relationships are in crisis. They have become confused about feeling joy and receiving joy. They think that all they need to do is accept joy from God, and they will feel it in their broken relationships. This is a myth.
Our source of joy begins with God.
We will never find true joy in this lifetime if we don't have an intimate relationship with God. With that in place, we are capable of actually feeling joyful in our relationships with others. The only problem we run into is when we try to force ourselves into or to remain in relationships with people who are not helping us to maintain the joy that God gives us.
We can think of joy as water. God holds the water pitcher. We hold out our cups to him, and when they overflow, we can pour off some of our water into others' cups.If our cup is empty, we cannot refresh ourselves, nor can we pour one for others. All we can do is tip the cup and pour out nothing.
When we're dry to the bone due to a lack of joy that begins with God, our lives become a constant struggle. We cannot work on relationships, because we are so spiritually thirsty. Joy is as critical to survival as water, air, and food.
We can express and receive joy if we know where to pour it.
When we meet people who are bubbling over with joy, it is because they have been filled with God's Spirit. It is also because they have learned where to pour it.
Like our water pitcher image, their cups are brimming over, and the pitcher just keeps refilling them. God is that source of joy, and he promises to fill us with his Spirit. Psalm 23:5 (NIV) reminds us, You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
This is an ideal image that we can strive for in our own lives. Imagine feeling giddy with joy, even while eating dinner with the person who hurts you the most. These verses sustain us when we are struggling, reminding us that God does not abandon us. His water pitcher is always full, and he keeps pouring until our cup overflows.
But notice that this verse doesn't say that we should make sure that we're sitting in the presense of our enemies at every meal. I can't think of a better way to destroy my joy than to force myself to spend all of my waking hours with people who would love to destroy me.
God calls us to do many things, and one that most people don't think about is that we are supposed to fiercely guard the Spirit that lives within us. St. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (NIV):
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common"? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of the living God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore, come out from them and be separate," says the Lord. "Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters," says the Lord Almighty.
My life was once so joyless, I wanted to die. It wasn't until I realized that forcing myself to remain in relationship with unbelievers was draining all joy out of me. When I separated myself from them, I felt joy for the first time in decades.
Relationships with unbelievers can rob us of our joy.
Imagine if we each had a plastic cup for receiving a drink of water, but we cut the bottom out of it. That seems like a really dumb thing to do if we're thirsty, doesn't it?
But countless Christians are holding out their God-receiving cups with the bottoms cut out of them. God's pitcher keeps pouring in joy, but their life choices continue to destroy their ability to hold onto it.
Marriage seems to be a place where Christians haven't figured this out. They think that a relationship devoid of intimacy with an unbeliever is where they must remain, because they made a vow to God.
Please don't get me wrong here. I believe it is important to do what God tells us and to keep our promises. I hate divorce as much as the next person. But I don't believe that Christians who are married to unbelievers are supposed to martyr themselves over a marriage that is dead. These people are so devoid of joy, it breaks my heart.
They fail to see the harm that their spouse and their marriage is causing them. They don't understand that a neglectful or abusive spouse is an unfaithful spouse, whom Jesus tells us we may leave in Matthew 19:9 (NIV): I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS, and marries another woman commits adultery.
Guilt-ridden, misinformed Christians read that line which tells them they will become adulterers if they divorce and remarry. What they miss is the phrase that comes in between: except for marital unfaithfulness. Emotional neglect or physical abuse are both forms of marital unfaithfulness. No Christian is expected to stay in a marriage with a spouse who is unfaithful. Period. They may choose to stay, but expecting to experience joy in the process is just not logical.
Many survivors of childhood abuse wind up in marriages with partners who emotionally neglect them or physically abuse them. The wounds of marital emotional neglect run much deeper than the scars of physical abuse. I know. I've been there. I would rather be beaten daily than neglected. Emotional neglect leaves us so drained of all joy that we can barely put one foot ahead of the next.
What is really sad is that these victims of marital neglect beat themselves up daily. They blame themselves for the marriage conflict, feel consumed by guilt for feeling angry about the situation which they believe God wants them to remain in, and struggle with perfectionism and control issues as they attempt to change their mates.
I lived like this for years in my first marriage, and I can honestly say that I was a shriveled-up sponge on a desert floor. There was no joy in anything, because my cup was empty, and my lifestyle just continued to drain away whatever joy God had to give.
Patch up your bottomless cup to find joy.
It is my opinion that the only way to restore our bottomless cup is to step back from a relationship that continues to eat away at our vessel. God has the ability to patch up any mistakes we've made along the way. And without that other person continually destroying our cup, God can refill it. When he does, look out!
For the first time, we understand what true joy really feels like. A cup filled to the brim and overflowing is evident in a person's life. He walks with a bounce in his step, whistles while he works, greets everyone with a broad smile, and laughs without reserve.
So, if we look like Eeyore and tell others that we're full of God's joy, we'd better prepare ourselves for a surprise. Somewhere along the way, a person with some guts will tell us that we're full of something else.
It wasn't until I quit lying to myself and to the world about being joyful that I was able to step out of that cup-destroying relationship and let God fill me up. Then, from a distance, I could see the truth about the realities of my broken marriage. God restored my cup, filled me with joy, and showed me the stupidity of dining regularly with my enemies. Today, I know what it feels likes to receive God's joy, to experience it with a husband and friends who love me deeply, and to share it with others. I pray that for you, too, dear reader.
Today's Challenge
God is our source of joy, but our relationships determine how easily we keep our cups full. If you're in a draining relationship, step back and figure out why you're allowing someone to cut the bottom out of your soul. Look at yourself and think about changing you, not the other person.
What is joy?
The dictionary defines joy as:
1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation;
2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated;
3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety; and
4. a state of happiness or felicity.
These four definitions can help us understand that there are differences between the source of our joy, the emotion of joy that we experience, ways of expressing our joy, and a state of mental and spiritual contentment that comes when the first three are appropriately experienced.
Eeyore Christians
I get really tired of hearing other believers say with a deep sigh and furrowed brow, "I'm joyful." Their lives are a mess, often because their most important relationships are in crisis. They have become confused about feeling joy and receiving joy. They think that all they need to do is accept joy from God, and they will feel it in their broken relationships. This is a myth.
Our source of joy begins with God.
We will never find true joy in this lifetime if we don't have an intimate relationship with God. With that in place, we are capable of actually feeling joyful in our relationships with others. The only problem we run into is when we try to force ourselves into or to remain in relationships with people who are not helping us to maintain the joy that God gives us.
We can think of joy as water. God holds the water pitcher. We hold out our cups to him, and when they overflow, we can pour off some of our water into others' cups.If our cup is empty, we cannot refresh ourselves, nor can we pour one for others. All we can do is tip the cup and pour out nothing.
When we're dry to the bone due to a lack of joy that begins with God, our lives become a constant struggle. We cannot work on relationships, because we are so spiritually thirsty. Joy is as critical to survival as water, air, and food.
We can express and receive joy if we know where to pour it.
When we meet people who are bubbling over with joy, it is because they have been filled with God's Spirit. It is also because they have learned where to pour it.
Like our water pitcher image, their cups are brimming over, and the pitcher just keeps refilling them. God is that source of joy, and he promises to fill us with his Spirit. Psalm 23:5 (NIV) reminds us, You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
This is an ideal image that we can strive for in our own lives. Imagine feeling giddy with joy, even while eating dinner with the person who hurts you the most. These verses sustain us when we are struggling, reminding us that God does not abandon us. His water pitcher is always full, and he keeps pouring until our cup overflows.
But notice that this verse doesn't say that we should make sure that we're sitting in the presense of our enemies at every meal. I can't think of a better way to destroy my joy than to force myself to spend all of my waking hours with people who would love to destroy me.
God calls us to do many things, and one that most people don't think about is that we are supposed to fiercely guard the Spirit that lives within us. St. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (NIV):
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common"? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of the living God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore, come out from them and be separate," says the Lord. "Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters," says the Lord Almighty.
My life was once so joyless, I wanted to die. It wasn't until I realized that forcing myself to remain in relationship with unbelievers was draining all joy out of me. When I separated myself from them, I felt joy for the first time in decades.
Relationships with unbelievers can rob us of our joy.
Imagine if we each had a plastic cup for receiving a drink of water, but we cut the bottom out of it. That seems like a really dumb thing to do if we're thirsty, doesn't it?
But countless Christians are holding out their God-receiving cups with the bottoms cut out of them. God's pitcher keeps pouring in joy, but their life choices continue to destroy their ability to hold onto it.
Marriage seems to be a place where Christians haven't figured this out. They think that a relationship devoid of intimacy with an unbeliever is where they must remain, because they made a vow to God.
Please don't get me wrong here. I believe it is important to do what God tells us and to keep our promises. I hate divorce as much as the next person. But I don't believe that Christians who are married to unbelievers are supposed to martyr themselves over a marriage that is dead. These people are so devoid of joy, it breaks my heart.
They fail to see the harm that their spouse and their marriage is causing them. They don't understand that a neglectful or abusive spouse is an unfaithful spouse, whom Jesus tells us we may leave in Matthew 19:9 (NIV): I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS, and marries another woman commits adultery.
Guilt-ridden, misinformed Christians read that line which tells them they will become adulterers if they divorce and remarry. What they miss is the phrase that comes in between: except for marital unfaithfulness. Emotional neglect or physical abuse are both forms of marital unfaithfulness. No Christian is expected to stay in a marriage with a spouse who is unfaithful. Period. They may choose to stay, but expecting to experience joy in the process is just not logical.
Many survivors of childhood abuse wind up in marriages with partners who emotionally neglect them or physically abuse them. The wounds of marital emotional neglect run much deeper than the scars of physical abuse. I know. I've been there. I would rather be beaten daily than neglected. Emotional neglect leaves us so drained of all joy that we can barely put one foot ahead of the next.
What is really sad is that these victims of marital neglect beat themselves up daily. They blame themselves for the marriage conflict, feel consumed by guilt for feeling angry about the situation which they believe God wants them to remain in, and struggle with perfectionism and control issues as they attempt to change their mates.
I lived like this for years in my first marriage, and I can honestly say that I was a shriveled-up sponge on a desert floor. There was no joy in anything, because my cup was empty, and my lifestyle just continued to drain away whatever joy God had to give.
Patch up your bottomless cup to find joy.
It is my opinion that the only way to restore our bottomless cup is to step back from a relationship that continues to eat away at our vessel. God has the ability to patch up any mistakes we've made along the way. And without that other person continually destroying our cup, God can refill it. When he does, look out!
For the first time, we understand what true joy really feels like. A cup filled to the brim and overflowing is evident in a person's life. He walks with a bounce in his step, whistles while he works, greets everyone with a broad smile, and laughs without reserve.
So, if we look like Eeyore and tell others that we're full of God's joy, we'd better prepare ourselves for a surprise. Somewhere along the way, a person with some guts will tell us that we're full of something else.
It wasn't until I quit lying to myself and to the world about being joyful that I was able to step out of that cup-destroying relationship and let God fill me up. Then, from a distance, I could see the truth about the realities of my broken marriage. God restored my cup, filled me with joy, and showed me the stupidity of dining regularly with my enemies. Today, I know what it feels likes to receive God's joy, to experience it with a husband and friends who love me deeply, and to share it with others. I pray that for you, too, dear reader.
Today's Challenge
God is our source of joy, but our relationships determine how easily we keep our cups full. If you're in a draining relationship, step back and figure out why you're allowing someone to cut the bottom out of your soul. Look at yourself and think about changing you, not the other person.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Love Your Neighbor As Yourself
This week, we have learned that God loves us so much that he gave up his only son to die for us. Therefore, we have good reason to love him in return for his graciousness to us. We are called to share that love with all people and to pray for those who have hurt us. Today, I would like to look at what it means to love our neighbors in my series, Thriving in God's Garden.
The Golden Rule
When a teacher of the law asked Jesus which commandment was the most important, this was his response. "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-31 NIV)
Love your neighbor as yourself has come to be known as The Golden Rule. There is no greater law that governs how people are supposed to treat one another. So what, exactly, does it mean to love our neighbors as ourselves?
Do you love yourself?
Many people who have suffered the trauma of childhood sexual abuse or domestic violence have very low opinions of themselves. They find it difficult to love themselves, because they either feel degraded and ashamed of themselves, or they have been brainwashed into believing that they are worthless. In order to love others, we must first learn to love ourselves.
This means that we actually accept the love that God has to offer. And when we reach out and take it from him, we love him back by changing the way we live. We give up habits that would make God feel unwelcome in our homes. And we turn away from any lifestyle that would harm our bodies. After all, God's Spirit lives inside of us when we become Christians, so we really need to keep ourselves pure.
Love people who aren't easy to love.
So, if we're behaving ourselves so that we can feel good about our lives, we can learn to share God's love with others. Most of us have no difficulty loving our children or our pets. Some have a little trouble loving spouses. Many of us struggle when it comes to loving certain neighbors, because they aren't exactly easy to love.
We used to have a neighbor who drank together with her adult children every night. While we were trying to sleep, the neighbors were shouting obscenities at one another and breaking beer bottles in their backyard. After many sleepless nights, Joe went to ask them to quiet down. That lasted about ten minutes.
The next night, we decided it was best to call the police. After a cop arrived to tell the neighbors to take their party inside, we could hear them bickering about who caused the problem and speculating that we were the people who had turned them in.
It was difficult to be pleasant to this woman, because she was drunk and surly at night and then withdrawn during the day. Nevertheless, we tried our best to be good neighbors to her. When I picked vegetables from the garden, I shared them with her. I baked cookies for her children and gave her books I had finished reading. I can't say that we ever became friends, but I tried my best to love my neighbor.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who needs to feel God's love? Perhaps there's a co-worker, a neighbor, a child down the block, or an elderly person who needs to feel a connection to God through you. Take time today to speak with that person, offer them a small gift, or do a chore for them. By loving someone else, you will find that you love yourself a little bit more in the process.
The Golden Rule
When a teacher of the law asked Jesus which commandment was the most important, this was his response. "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-31 NIV)
Love your neighbor as yourself has come to be known as The Golden Rule. There is no greater law that governs how people are supposed to treat one another. So what, exactly, does it mean to love our neighbors as ourselves?
Do you love yourself?
Many people who have suffered the trauma of childhood sexual abuse or domestic violence have very low opinions of themselves. They find it difficult to love themselves, because they either feel degraded and ashamed of themselves, or they have been brainwashed into believing that they are worthless. In order to love others, we must first learn to love ourselves.
This means that we actually accept the love that God has to offer. And when we reach out and take it from him, we love him back by changing the way we live. We give up habits that would make God feel unwelcome in our homes. And we turn away from any lifestyle that would harm our bodies. After all, God's Spirit lives inside of us when we become Christians, so we really need to keep ourselves pure.
Love people who aren't easy to love.
So, if we're behaving ourselves so that we can feel good about our lives, we can learn to share God's love with others. Most of us have no difficulty loving our children or our pets. Some have a little trouble loving spouses. Many of us struggle when it comes to loving certain neighbors, because they aren't exactly easy to love.
We used to have a neighbor who drank together with her adult children every night. While we were trying to sleep, the neighbors were shouting obscenities at one another and breaking beer bottles in their backyard. After many sleepless nights, Joe went to ask them to quiet down. That lasted about ten minutes.
The next night, we decided it was best to call the police. After a cop arrived to tell the neighbors to take their party inside, we could hear them bickering about who caused the problem and speculating that we were the people who had turned them in.
It was difficult to be pleasant to this woman, because she was drunk and surly at night and then withdrawn during the day. Nevertheless, we tried our best to be good neighbors to her. When I picked vegetables from the garden, I shared them with her. I baked cookies for her children and gave her books I had finished reading. I can't say that we ever became friends, but I tried my best to love my neighbor.
Today's Challenge
Is there someone in your life who needs to feel God's love? Perhaps there's a co-worker, a neighbor, a child down the block, or an elderly person who needs to feel a connection to God through you. Take time today to speak with that person, offer them a small gift, or do a chore for them. By loving someone else, you will find that you love yourself a little bit more in the process.
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