Our Joy Begins with God

Yesterday, I expressed my opinions about losing our joy as a result of choosing to remain in relationships with abusive or neglectful unbelievers. Today, we look at how God grows joy in our hearts as we continue with our series, Thriving in God's Garden.

God gives us strength.
After we have found a safe place that is free from neglect and abuse, we must turn to God for strength as we wait for his joy to fill us. While we are recovering from the wounds of abuse, God gives us strength. He promises in Nehemiah 8:10b (NIV), Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

When I left my first marriage, I didn't feel as if I had any strength left. I had not understood beforehand how much grief I would experience. Losing a marriage causes a phenomenon known as the death of a dream.

When we first get married, we dream about a lovely life that will go on forever. We expect happiness with our spouse, and we build goals based on our expectations. When marriage ends in divorce, that dream gets shattered. Suddenly, we don't know who we are or why we're here.

For months after my divorce, I lived like a sleep-walker, stumbling around in the dark. I had no direction and no clue how to start my life over again.

God knows the way.
God knows where he wants us to go and how he wants us to get there. His Word can shed light on the path we are supposed to follow. Our joy begins to grow when we decide to follow God, wherever he leads us.

Psalm 16:11 (NIV) reads, You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I was really struggling to understand my next step in that confusing new life as a single mother. So, I prayed for direction, and God led me to a nearby church. There, he sent me to play with the handbell choir, where I began to make new friends.

I went to church one Sunday morning and stood at the front with the rest of the handbell players, concentrating on ringing my bells. I looked up and noticed that the people seated before me were all smiling and nodding their heads. Joy radiated from them.

Suddenly, joy enveloped me. I began to smile for the first time in months over something that brought me delight. At that moment, I understood God's promises to fill me with joy, in spite of the sorrows I had experienced as a result of abuse.

So, dear reader, we can see that after we leave unhealthy relationships, our joy begins with knowing and following God. Tomorrow, we will look at how God sustains us through tough times with the promise of his joy.

Today's Challenge
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the level of joy you are feeling today? If it is low, go to www.biblegateway.com and look up the word joy. You will find countless verses to remind you that God is the source of all joy.

Why Don't We Feel Joyful?

We continue this week with my series, Thriving in God's Garden, with a look at joy. As a fruit of the Spirit of God, it can make our lives more beautiful, and it spills over onto others when we share it. However, I meet more people whose lives are devoid of joy than the ones who are bubbling over. Many ask me how to find it, and I would like to share my thoughts.

What is joy?
The dictionary defines joy as:

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation;

2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated;

3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety; and

4. a state of happiness or felicity.

These four definitions can help us understand that there are differences between the source of our joy, the emotion of joy that we experience, ways of expressing our joy, and a state of mental and spiritual contentment that comes when the first three are appropriately experienced.

Eeyore Christians
I get really tired of hearing other believers say with a deep sigh and furrowed brow, "I'm joyful." Their lives are a mess, often because their most important relationships are in crisis. They have become confused about feeling joy and receiving joy. They think that all they need to do is accept joy from God, and they will feel it in their broken relationships. This is a myth.

Our source of joy begins with God.
We will never find true joy in this lifetime if we don't have an intimate relationship with God. With that in place, we are capable of actually feeling joyful in our relationships with others. The only problem we run into is when we try to force ourselves into or to remain in relationships with people who are not helping us to maintain the joy that God gives us.

We can think of joy as water. God holds the water pitcher. We hold out our cups to him, and when they overflow, we can pour off some of our water into others' cups.If our cup is empty, we cannot refresh ourselves, nor can we pour one for others. All we can do is tip the cup and pour out nothing.

When we're dry to the bone due to a lack of joy that begins with God, our lives become a constant struggle. We cannot work on relationships, because we are so spiritually thirsty. Joy is as critical to survival as water, air, and food.

We can express and receive joy if we know where to pour it.
When we meet people who are bubbling over with joy, it is because they have been filled with God's Spirit. It is also because they have learned where to pour it.

Like our water pitcher image, their cups are brimming over, and the pitcher just keeps refilling them. God is that source of joy, and he promises to fill us with his Spirit. Psalm 23:5 (NIV) reminds us, You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.

This is an ideal image that we can strive for in our own lives. Imagine feeling giddy with joy, even while eating dinner with the person who hurts you the most. These verses sustain us when we are struggling, reminding us that God does not abandon us. His water pitcher is always full, and he keeps pouring until our cup overflows.

But notice that this verse doesn't say that we should make sure that we're sitting in the presense of our enemies at every meal. I can't think of a better way to destroy my joy than to force myself to spend all of my waking hours with people who would love to destroy me.

God calls us to do many things, and one that most people don't think about is that we are supposed to fiercely guard the Spirit that lives within us. St. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (NIV):

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common"? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of the living God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore, come out from them and be separate," says the Lord. "Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters," says the Lord Almighty.

My life was once so joyless, I wanted to die. It wasn't until I realized that forcing myself to remain in relationship with unbelievers was draining all joy out of me. When I separated myself from them, I felt joy for the first time in decades.

Relationships with unbelievers can rob us of our joy.
Imagine if we each had a plastic cup for receiving a drink of water, but we cut the bottom out of it. That seems like a really dumb thing to do if we're thirsty, doesn't it?

But countless Christians are holding out their God-receiving cups with the bottoms cut out of them. God's pitcher keeps pouring in joy, but their life choices continue to destroy their ability to hold onto it.

Marriage seems to be a place where Christians haven't figured this out. They think that a relationship devoid of intimacy with an unbeliever is where they must remain, because they made a vow to God.

Please don't get me wrong here. I believe it is important to do what God tells us and to keep our promises. I hate divorce as much as the next person. But I don't believe that Christians who are married to unbelievers are supposed to martyr themselves over a marriage that is dead. These people are so devoid of joy, it breaks my heart.

They fail to see the harm that their spouse and their marriage is causing them. They don't understand that a neglectful or abusive spouse is an unfaithful spouse, whom Jesus tells us we may leave in Matthew 19:9 (NIV): I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS, and marries another woman commits adultery.

Guilt-ridden, misinformed Christians read that line which tells them they will become adulterers if they divorce and remarry. What they miss is the phrase that comes in between: except for marital unfaithfulness. Emotional neglect or physical abuse are both forms of marital unfaithfulness. No Christian is expected to stay in a marriage with a spouse who is unfaithful. Period. They may choose to stay, but expecting to experience joy in the process is just not logical.

Many survivors of childhood abuse wind up in marriages with partners who emotionally neglect them or physically abuse them. The wounds of marital emotional neglect run much deeper than the scars of physical abuse. I know. I've been there. I would rather be beaten daily than neglected. Emotional neglect leaves us so drained of all joy that we can barely put one foot ahead of the next.

What is really sad is that these victims of marital neglect beat themselves up daily. They blame themselves for the marriage conflict, feel consumed by guilt for feeling angry about the situation which they believe God wants them to remain in, and struggle with perfectionism and control issues as they attempt to change their mates.

I lived like this for years in my first marriage, and I can honestly say that I was a shriveled-up sponge on a desert floor. There was no joy in anything, because my cup was empty, and my lifestyle just continued to drain away whatever joy God had to give.

Patch up your bottomless cup to find joy.
It is my opinion that the only way to restore our bottomless cup is to step back from a relationship that continues to eat away at our vessel. God has the ability to patch up any mistakes we've made along the way. And without that other person continually destroying our cup, God can refill it. When he does, look out!

For the first time, we understand what true joy really feels like. A cup filled to the brim and overflowing is evident in a person's life. He walks with a bounce in his step, whistles while he works, greets everyone with a broad smile, and laughs without reserve.

So, if we look like Eeyore and tell others that we're full of God's joy, we'd better prepare ourselves for a surprise. Somewhere along the way, a person with some guts will tell us that we're full of something else.

It wasn't until I quit lying to myself and to the world about being joyful that I was able to step out of that cup-destroying relationship and let God fill me up. Then, from a distance, I could see the truth about the realities of my broken marriage. God restored my cup, filled me with joy, and showed me the stupidity of dining regularly with my enemies. Today, I know what it feels likes to receive God's joy, to experience it with a husband and friends who love me deeply, and to share it with others. I pray that for you, too, dear reader.

Today's Challenge
God is our source of joy, but our relationships determine how easily we keep our cups full. If you're in a draining relationship, step back and figure out why you're allowing someone to cut the bottom out of your soul. Look at yourself and think about changing you, not the other person.

Perfect Love is Like Plant Photosynthesis

So many abused women beat themselves up for not being able to love spouses who do things daily to hurt them. God did not create us so that we could be treated like prickly weeds that our men can trample underfoot. The Lord designed us to be like beautiful roses, capable of giving immeasurable love to our men.

The love between a husband and wife can be compared to plant photosynthesis, which involves three phases: 1) Light Absorption, 2) Carbon Fixation, and 3) Water Splitting.

In the Light Absorption Phase, plants take in sunlight to make energy. As humans, we can absorb God's love to create spiritual energy within ourselves.

During the Carbon Fixation Phase, plants use the energy from the sun's light to form compounds, such as starch, to sustain life. Plant starch helps the plant to grow, but it also sustains any animal that eats it. We can internalize God's love to grow stronger as individuals who are well-equipped to provide life-giving energy to our spouses.

In the Water Splitting Phase, plants split water particles. They use the carbon dioxide that people and animals give off and combine it with the oxygen in water to make more plant starch and oxygen. Animals and humans use the plants' oxygen to support their bodies; then they breathe out the carbon dioxide that plants will need. As you can see, plants and animals co-exist in a relationship that is mutually beneficial.

If women can be compared to plants in this Water Splitting Phase, we receive our marital 'carbon dioxide' through the attentions that our husbands give us. The hours that our spouses spend with us is as necessary to us as water is to plants. We need plenty of his time and undivided attention to take in the life-giving energy of our husband's affections, his romantic advances, and his appreciation for the countless tasks we complete for him every day. We need to know that he will always be there for us to provide more than just material things. We need him to be emotionally involved in our lives to such an extent that neither of us would want to survive without the other.

Often, neglectful or over-working husbands believe that buying their wives shinier baubles or bigger houses or bouquets of flowers will make them happy. This is as silly as thinking that pouring fertilizer on a plant and cutting off its water supply will make it flourish. A neglected wife weighed down with diamonds and expensive clothes will wilt as quickly as an over-fertilized plant will.

If men can be compared to the animals in the symbiotic relationship between the sexes, women must give them the life-sustaining 'oxygen' that they need: our respect. We must praise them for a job well-done and brag about their accomplishments to our friends. We need to refrain from unnecessary criticism and get out of the way when our husbands decide to tackle a project that will boost their confidence. Above all, our man needs to feel like a hero who is capable of protecting us through all kinds of adventures and adversity.

A man who is living as God has called him to do will easily earn our respect through his actions. Wives who adore their husbands are often married to men who work hard at earning respect on their jobs, in their communities, and at home. A husband who is absent, rude, selfish, controlling, or abusive may never gain his wife's respect.

Women in relationships with controlling or neglectful men often mistakenly assume that if they keep the house cleaner, lose more weight, manage the children's activities better, or achieve perfection in every way possible; their spouses will suddenly express romantic love and appreciation. This is as ridiculous as pouring gallons of water onto a plant and expecting it to bear delicious fruit. These over-zealous wives will most likely kill themselves and their dried-up relationships by giving away too much energy.

We may not be able to salvage a nearly dead marriage, just as we may not be able to restore a plant with crackly yellow leaves. Many of us have tried to 'fix' our husbands so that the relationship will work. Sometimes, we must face the facts: if he has neglected us for years in spite of our crying out, it is going to take far more than our nagging or perfectionism to make him change. There may even come a time when we must admit that, like a dead plant, there is no resurrecting a lifeless marriage.

If we are involved with a mate who seriously neglects our needs while demanding everything from us, we can follow three steps to restore our spiritual and emotional strength.

First, we can turn to the only source of true love for renewal. If we have allowed a spouse to drain us of all energy reserves, we must look to God to re-fuel us. Jesus said, "...I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)

We can spend time in the Word and thank God for his loving direction in our lives. We can go to church and worship with fellow believers. We can pray to God with our friends and by ourselves.

Second, we can take a step back and assess what's going on in our relationship with our spouse. Are we doing most of the giving? Is this relationship infusing us with energy or sucking the life out of us? If it's a complete drain, we can take measures to limit the amount of time we spend with our spouse for a while. We can choose to scale back on how much we're giving to the relationship.

Third, we can learn to take better care of ourselves so that our energies are restored. After we have entered into a stronger relationship with God and limited the time we spend with an energy-draining spouse, we can shift our focus in new directions. We can find ways to strengthen our self-esteem by learning new skills, making good women friends through church, and surrounding ourselves with people who are capable of encouraging us. We can find ways to love others through church-sponsored volunteer work.

When we make these changes, we are often surprised by one of two outcomes. Either our neglectful spouse realizes that we are slipping away and works harder at loving us; or, he simply seeks a new source of energy for himself. Sadly, women who stay in neglectful and abusive marriages for years are often shocked to discover how quickly they are replaced.

I stayed for nearly 20 years with my first husband, knocking myself out to make an impossible relationship work. Since he was not in a love relationship with God, he could not transfer life-giving energy into our marriage. It took about 10 years of psychotherapy and Christian counseling to understand that I was fighting a losing battle.

After my divorce, I got involved with a man who started out giving me a lot, but ended up pouring all of his energies into the pursuit of drugs, alcohol, and his first two wives. When I discovered what he was doing, it took me about 10 seconds to ditch him.

My experiences with my failed first marriage and the disastrous relationship with my interim man taught me to turn to God for guidance and love. I spent several years without a mate, serving in my church as a handbell choir member and adult Bible study leader. When I was ready, God sent me a loving husband in Joe, who is drenched in God's love daily and capable of showering me with love, too.

Like plants, we are dependent on the light of God's love for our survival. Marriage can provide us with the perfect place for both personal and relational growth, just as plants and animals live in harmony to support one another. How can we implement these changes to improve our marriages and ourselves?