Perfect Love is Like Plant Photosynthesis

So many abused women beat themselves up for not being able to love spouses who do things daily to hurt them. God did not create us so that we could be treated like prickly weeds that our men can trample underfoot. The Lord designed us to be like beautiful roses, capable of giving immeasurable love to our men.

The love between a husband and wife can be compared to plant photosynthesis, which involves three phases: 1) Light Absorption, 2) Carbon Fixation, and 3) Water Splitting.

In the Light Absorption Phase, plants take in sunlight to make energy. As humans, we can absorb God's love to create spiritual energy within ourselves.

During the Carbon Fixation Phase, plants use the energy from the sun's light to form compounds, such as starch, to sustain life. Plant starch helps the plant to grow, but it also sustains any animal that eats it. We can internalize God's love to grow stronger as individuals who are well-equipped to provide life-giving energy to our spouses.

In the Water Splitting Phase, plants split water particles. They use the carbon dioxide that people and animals give off and combine it with the oxygen in water to make more plant starch and oxygen. Animals and humans use the plants' oxygen to support their bodies; then they breathe out the carbon dioxide that plants will need. As you can see, plants and animals co-exist in a relationship that is mutually beneficial.

If women can be compared to plants in this Water Splitting Phase, we receive our marital 'carbon dioxide' through the attentions that our husbands give us. The hours that our spouses spend with us is as necessary to us as water is to plants. We need plenty of his time and undivided attention to take in the life-giving energy of our husband's affections, his romantic advances, and his appreciation for the countless tasks we complete for him every day. We need to know that he will always be there for us to provide more than just material things. We need him to be emotionally involved in our lives to such an extent that neither of us would want to survive without the other.

Often, neglectful or over-working husbands believe that buying their wives shinier baubles or bigger houses or bouquets of flowers will make them happy. This is as silly as thinking that pouring fertilizer on a plant and cutting off its water supply will make it flourish. A neglected wife weighed down with diamonds and expensive clothes will wilt as quickly as an over-fertilized plant will.

If men can be compared to the animals in the symbiotic relationship between the sexes, women must give them the life-sustaining 'oxygen' that they need: our respect. We must praise them for a job well-done and brag about their accomplishments to our friends. We need to refrain from unnecessary criticism and get out of the way when our husbands decide to tackle a project that will boost their confidence. Above all, our man needs to feel like a hero who is capable of protecting us through all kinds of adventures and adversity.

A man who is living as God has called him to do will easily earn our respect through his actions. Wives who adore their husbands are often married to men who work hard at earning respect on their jobs, in their communities, and at home. A husband who is absent, rude, selfish, controlling, or abusive may never gain his wife's respect.

Women in relationships with controlling or neglectful men often mistakenly assume that if they keep the house cleaner, lose more weight, manage the children's activities better, or achieve perfection in every way possible; their spouses will suddenly express romantic love and appreciation. This is as ridiculous as pouring gallons of water onto a plant and expecting it to bear delicious fruit. These over-zealous wives will most likely kill themselves and their dried-up relationships by giving away too much energy.

We may not be able to salvage a nearly dead marriage, just as we may not be able to restore a plant with crackly yellow leaves. Many of us have tried to 'fix' our husbands so that the relationship will work. Sometimes, we must face the facts: if he has neglected us for years in spite of our crying out, it is going to take far more than our nagging or perfectionism to make him change. There may even come a time when we must admit that, like a dead plant, there is no resurrecting a lifeless marriage.

If we are involved with a mate who seriously neglects our needs while demanding everything from us, we can follow three steps to restore our spiritual and emotional strength.

First, we can turn to the only source of true love for renewal. If we have allowed a spouse to drain us of all energy reserves, we must look to God to re-fuel us. Jesus said, "...I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)

We can spend time in the Word and thank God for his loving direction in our lives. We can go to church and worship with fellow believers. We can pray to God with our friends and by ourselves.

Second, we can take a step back and assess what's going on in our relationship with our spouse. Are we doing most of the giving? Is this relationship infusing us with energy or sucking the life out of us? If it's a complete drain, we can take measures to limit the amount of time we spend with our spouse for a while. We can choose to scale back on how much we're giving to the relationship.

Third, we can learn to take better care of ourselves so that our energies are restored. After we have entered into a stronger relationship with God and limited the time we spend with an energy-draining spouse, we can shift our focus in new directions. We can find ways to strengthen our self-esteem by learning new skills, making good women friends through church, and surrounding ourselves with people who are capable of encouraging us. We can find ways to love others through church-sponsored volunteer work.

When we make these changes, we are often surprised by one of two outcomes. Either our neglectful spouse realizes that we are slipping away and works harder at loving us; or, he simply seeks a new source of energy for himself. Sadly, women who stay in neglectful and abusive marriages for years are often shocked to discover how quickly they are replaced.

I stayed for nearly 20 years with my first husband, knocking myself out to make an impossible relationship work. Since he was not in a love relationship with God, he could not transfer life-giving energy into our marriage. It took about 10 years of psychotherapy and Christian counseling to understand that I was fighting a losing battle.

After my divorce, I got involved with a man who started out giving me a lot, but ended up pouring all of his energies into the pursuit of drugs, alcohol, and his first two wives. When I discovered what he was doing, it took me about 10 seconds to ditch him.

My experiences with my failed first marriage and the disastrous relationship with my interim man taught me to turn to God for guidance and love. I spent several years without a mate, serving in my church as a handbell choir member and adult Bible study leader. When I was ready, God sent me a loving husband in Joe, who is drenched in God's love daily and capable of showering me with love, too.

Like plants, we are dependent on the light of God's love for our survival. Marriage can provide us with the perfect place for both personal and relational growth, just as plants and animals live in harmony to support one another. How can we implement these changes to improve our marriages and ourselves?