For the past two months, we have journeyed together through my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Today is the final post on this topic. Next week, we will begin a new series based on the fruit of the Spirit, titled Thriving in God's Garden.
Forgiveness is a long journey.
For a number of years, I have been working through this process of forgiving the people who have hurt me the most. I would like to thank my friends and readers who have offered their thoughts about this topic. You have all been extremely helpful. The following paragraphs contain my conclusions about how a survivor of abuse or trauma can remove the roadblocks to forgiveness and begin to thrive.
We are deeply wounded by abuse or trauma.
First, we must acknowledge that childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, and trauma all leave us with scars. When our perpetrators are finished with us, we may feel:
angry,
fearful,
mistrusting,
incompetent,
guilty,
vengeful,
prideful,
hateful, or
depressed.
Before we can forgive, we must face the truth about our past. If it was hurtful, we need to admit that to ourselves. Then, we need to ask God to comfort us.
Misunderstandings about forgiveness stand as roadblocks for us.
Second, we must realize that many misunderstandings about forgiveness stand in our way to achieving inner peace. These roadblocks to forgiveness include the following:
Roadblock #1: We must learn to get along with evil people.
Often, victims of childhood sexual abuse are told by their abusers that sexual activity between children and adults is good. Harming a child for self-gratification is never good. Actions such as these are always evil, but evil people may try to convince us that they are good.
When we fail to recognize the differences between good and evil, we get stranded on the side of the forgiveness road. The Bible tells us that good and evil cannot coexist. Therefore, we must separate ourselves from the people who continue to abuse us so that we can clearly understand the differences between good and evil.
By studying the Bible, talking with mature Christians, and praying for God to make us more like him, we can clear up this misunderstanding that we must learn to live with evil people. We can finally see that whatever opposes God's law or his character is evil. And whatever imitates him is good.
By learning to see God from a more balanced perspective, we can move forward on the road to forgiving by letting go of the people who are evil. In doing this, we learn without a doubt that our God is balanced, offering blessings to those who obey him and punishment for those who oppose him.
Roadblock #2: I am superior to my enemy.
As victims of serious crimes, we often see ourselves as superior to our perpetrators. This attitude always stands in our way of inner peace. As long as we think the entire problem lies with our enemy, we will remain stalled in our quest to forgive.
We must learn to see ourselves as God does, just as faulty on the inside as our enemies. If we are ever going to forgive them, we have to learn what the entire forgiveness process entails. The steps to forgiving mean that we:
-recognize that God's character defines all that is good,
-recognize that whatever opposes God's character is evil,
-admit that we have faults, just as our enemy does,
-humbly ask God to forgive our sins,
-accept God's grace and let go of all guilt,
-turn our life completely around so that we can imitate God better,
-ask others whom we have hurt for their forgiveness, and
-offer restitution to anyone we have hurt.
Roadblock #3: I have to restore the relationship with my enemy.
The biggest roadblock to forgiveness looms before us when we confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. To reconcile means that we put our differences aside and resume a relationship with someone who has hurt us.
Many people assume that if we forgive someone, we have to invite them back into our lives. This is not true. It is perfectly okay for us to remove ourselves permanently from the influence of someone who has hurt us or continues to hurt us. Even if the person who hurt us is a member of our own family, we do not have to invite them back into our lives.
Roadblock #4: I have to teach my enemy how to apologize.
So many victims believe that it is their duty to teach their enemies how to admit their sin, receive God's grace, and change their lives. As victims, we are the last people who should be doing this. We will only be seen as preachy hypocrites in our enemy's eyes. It is far better to pray for them from a distance, asking God to send others to change them. We can never force our enemies into changing so that we can forgive them.
Roadblock #5: I have to tell him, "I forgive you."
Many victims assume that they have to walk up to the criminal who has hurt them and say the words, "I forgive you," even if that person has never accepted responsibilty for his actions, apologized, changed his life, or offered restitution. This assumption hurts both victim and perpetrator.
When a victim tells her perpetrator, "I forgive you," without any forgiveness effort on his part, she sets herself up for further abuse. Many abusers see this pardon as a green light to resume the behaviors that must not have been all that bad. Otherwise, in their minds, the forgiveness would not have been forthcoming.
This type of pseudo-forgiveness hurts the perpetrator, too. It robs him of the opportunity to learn how to humble himself before God and the people he has hurt. It steals away the time he needs to figure out how to accept and give forgiveness.
The best way to handle an unrepentant enemy who has never truly accepted responsiblity for his actions or sincerely apologized for them is to say these words to God alone: "I release my enemy into your hands. I am willing to forgive him when he is ready. Please help him."
The words we may choose to say to our enemies from a distance, either by phone or letter, are these: "You have hurt me. I am willing to forgive you after you have learned what it takes to be forgiven. Until then, we cannot be in a relationship." Enough said. Hang up or sign the letter.
We can only change ourselves.
Third, when we release our enemies, we let go of our need to control the outcome. Instead of spending the rest of our lives focused on how our perpetrator needs to change, we can focus on changing ourselves. In the meantime, we get out of the way so that God can work on our enemy's heart.
We change ourselves by learning as much as we can about God's character, and then we imitate him to the best of our ability. We learn, as I have taught in this series, what it takes to humble ourselves before God and others to offer sincere apologies when we hurt people. We follow up our apologies with offers of restitution, and we try our best to learn a lesson so that we don't repeat the same mistakes.
By focusing on our own need for forgiveness, we let go of our preoccupation with our enemy's need for forgiveness. This frees us to go back and clean up the messes that were caused by the original abuse, such as our anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, vengefulness, pride, hatred, and depression.
We should show others how to forgive.
Fourth, we should share these newfound lessons about forgiveness with others. Now that you understand the truth about the forgiveness journey and how you can remove the roadblocks, I hope you'll begin to thrive! When you feel confident, I hope you'll teach the process to others by modeling appropriate forgiveness throughout your life.
I am at peace.
Somewhere along the way, God helped me to let go of the bitterness and anger that I felt toward the people who have deeply hurt me. When I began to pray that he would help me let go of them, my grip on the list of their faults began to loosen.
Today, I am at peace, because I realize that it is not my job to point out my enemies' faults to them. I am the last person they need to hear from regarding how badly they have failed at the forgiveness process. Some therapists advocate confronting abusers to tell them exactly how much they have hurt us. I disagree. God knows what they've done. We can tell him about our hurts and leave our enemies in his capable hands.
I continue to pray that my enemies will learn about the forgiveness process, because it brings such peace. I have released the people who have hurt me into God's hands, and I look forward to the outcomes he is able to bring about in their lives. Perhaps they will come to me someday to show me that they are sincerely sorry. If that happens, we will all rejoice together.
In the meantime, this search for a way to forgive my enemies has led me to the realization that I needed to be humbled. I am not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Holding onto the pain of my past was hurting me far more than it was helping my enemies to see the error of their ways.
Share your insights about forgiveness with me.
Thank you for taking this road trip with me. I value your feedback, so please post your comments here or send them to me at cheryldenton@rocketmail.com.
Join me next week as we begin my new series, Thriving In God's Garden.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Friday, March 25, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
How Can I Overcome My Fears?
We learned last week that we develop fears following traumatic events. Our brains can actually become programmed to respond to conflict with either anger or fear.
Are your fears warranted or are they just excuses?
Some fears are warranted, and we can use them to keep ourselves safe from harm. Other fears become roadblocks to forgiveness, because they give us excuses to avoid taking action.
Before we learn how to eradicate our fears, I want to address perfectionism and worry. They are both cover-up behaviors for fears that can hinder our development as a person.
Perfectionism and worry begin with irrational fears.
When we start telling ourselves that something should happen, we are often setting ourselves up for failure. Shoulds are red flags for perfectionism, which is really a fancy word for the fear of failing. Perfectionistic thinking looks like this: "If I do this perfectly, I can prevent others (abusers, criminals, etc) or situations (similar to our traumatic event) from hurting me."
When we become fearful about certain situations, we also become expert worriers. Worried thinking goes something like this, “If I worry long enough about ____________, I can prevent it from happening.”
I have learned that no amount of perfectionism or worrying on my part will ever control the events that take place in this world. Only God can control what goes on. Worrying is a complete waste of energy. Jesus asked, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matt 6:27 NIV)
Life goes on, in spite of the losses--both big and small--that we feel. If we become terribly consumed by past hurts or traumas and worry about further pain or become perfectionistic to control outcomes, we lose out on everything that the rest of the world is enjoying. God blesses us every day with lovely things to see, do, hear, taste, smell, and touch. If we want to become fully alive and enjoy the world, we must overcome the roadblocks of fear that masquerade as avoidance behaviors, worry, and perfectionism.
Cognitive restructuring can help us eliminate fears.
We can use a form of self-talk known as cognitive restructuring to overcome our fears. With this method, we replace faulty thinking with something healthier.
For example, I developed an unusually strong fear of riding in cars following a major accident when I was nine years old. I had not been physically injured, but my parents' conversation following the event caused me to believe that our odds of surviving a car ride were slim.
My fear of riding in cars grew as I worried more about the danger. The more I worried, the bigger my fear became. Over a period of months, I became so terrified of getting into a car that I avoided it at all costs. I rode my bike everywhere that the family went. If we took a long trip, my parents had to medicate me first.
It took me nearly forty years before I realized that I had to replace this faulty wiring in my head with more rational thinking. A counselor taught me to tell myself, “Most car rides end successfully. I have taken all the safety measures I can (seat belt fastened, air bag turned on, mirrors adjusted, car maintained). I will trust God to get me safely to my destination in the car.”
Those of you who know me well may be wondering what happened last summer when I took all the safety measures I could and still got hit and injured by a drunk driver. I experienced all the same fears that I had as a child following the accident with my parents. The difference, though, was that I used cognitive restructuring to talk myself back into driving. It took less than a month to tell myself, "Most car rides end successfully. I have taken all the safety measures I can. I will trust God to get me safely to my destination."
We can use cognitive restructuring with any fear that we may have. As survivors of trauma or abuse, we can use it to overcome our fear of the people who hurt us or the situations where the trauma occurred.
Our self-talk to eliminate worry simply needs to state simple facts based on truth, just as I did in the example above. And it needs to be repeated a lot before our brains begins to believe it. Every time we find ourselves becoming worried, we can stop, repeat our new self-talk, and then step out in faith.
Cognitive restructuring works to eliminate perfectionism, too. A replacement thought for perfectionistic beliefs might sound like this: “I will do my best, but if I make a mistake, I will be okay. I can keep a good sense of humor about my mistakes and perhaps learn to laugh at myself, instead of expecting so much.”
Memorizing Scripture helps us put our fears into perspective.
When we are struggling to overcome avoidance behaviors, worry, and perfectionism, we can turn to Scripture for many references that will reassure us. Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Isn’t it ridiculous to be afraid of something if the God of the universe is personally walking in front of us? No one is bigger or stronger than God, so what are we worrying about? As far as I'm concerned, a lack of trust in God may be the number one source of all fear. The best remedy for a shortage of trust is to read the Bible. God’s Word can help us to grow in our faith and to learn to trust Him more.
Is it time to ask for help?
If fears are becoming so overwhelming for you that you can't function in a normal way, please find a psychologist or psychiatrist to help you. I lived for nearly forty years with my fear of riding in cars. What a waste of some wonderful experiences involving spectacular trips through the Swiss Alps, our Pacific Coast, and many breath-taking vistas!
In a later lesson, we will work on the skills necessary to confront the people that we need to forgive the most. For now, we just need to become aware of our fears so that they will not prevent us from finding spiritual and emotional freedom along the way.
Today's Challenge
Choose your smallest fear and write out a statement of truth about it. For example, if you're afraid of riding in elevators, you might write: "Most elevator rides end successfully. I can step in, allow the doors to close, ride up, and get off without incident on my designated floor." Repeat this affirmation and visualize yourself fearlessly performing the action. Ask God to help you. In time, you will find the courage to step out in faith and overcome this minor fear. Later, we'll work on the bigger ones.
Are your fears warranted or are they just excuses?
Some fears are warranted, and we can use them to keep ourselves safe from harm. Other fears become roadblocks to forgiveness, because they give us excuses to avoid taking action.
Before we learn how to eradicate our fears, I want to address perfectionism and worry. They are both cover-up behaviors for fears that can hinder our development as a person.
Perfectionism and worry begin with irrational fears.
When we start telling ourselves that something should happen, we are often setting ourselves up for failure. Shoulds are red flags for perfectionism, which is really a fancy word for the fear of failing. Perfectionistic thinking looks like this: "If I do this perfectly, I can prevent others (abusers, criminals, etc) or situations (similar to our traumatic event) from hurting me."
When we become fearful about certain situations, we also become expert worriers. Worried thinking goes something like this, “If I worry long enough about ____________, I can prevent it from happening.”
I have learned that no amount of perfectionism or worrying on my part will ever control the events that take place in this world. Only God can control what goes on. Worrying is a complete waste of energy. Jesus asked, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matt 6:27 NIV)
Life goes on, in spite of the losses--both big and small--that we feel. If we become terribly consumed by past hurts or traumas and worry about further pain or become perfectionistic to control outcomes, we lose out on everything that the rest of the world is enjoying. God blesses us every day with lovely things to see, do, hear, taste, smell, and touch. If we want to become fully alive and enjoy the world, we must overcome the roadblocks of fear that masquerade as avoidance behaviors, worry, and perfectionism.
Cognitive restructuring can help us eliminate fears.
We can use a form of self-talk known as cognitive restructuring to overcome our fears. With this method, we replace faulty thinking with something healthier.
For example, I developed an unusually strong fear of riding in cars following a major accident when I was nine years old. I had not been physically injured, but my parents' conversation following the event caused me to believe that our odds of surviving a car ride were slim.
My fear of riding in cars grew as I worried more about the danger. The more I worried, the bigger my fear became. Over a period of months, I became so terrified of getting into a car that I avoided it at all costs. I rode my bike everywhere that the family went. If we took a long trip, my parents had to medicate me first.
It took me nearly forty years before I realized that I had to replace this faulty wiring in my head with more rational thinking. A counselor taught me to tell myself, “Most car rides end successfully. I have taken all the safety measures I can (seat belt fastened, air bag turned on, mirrors adjusted, car maintained). I will trust God to get me safely to my destination in the car.”
Those of you who know me well may be wondering what happened last summer when I took all the safety measures I could and still got hit and injured by a drunk driver. I experienced all the same fears that I had as a child following the accident with my parents. The difference, though, was that I used cognitive restructuring to talk myself back into driving. It took less than a month to tell myself, "Most car rides end successfully. I have taken all the safety measures I can. I will trust God to get me safely to my destination."
We can use cognitive restructuring with any fear that we may have. As survivors of trauma or abuse, we can use it to overcome our fear of the people who hurt us or the situations where the trauma occurred.
Our self-talk to eliminate worry simply needs to state simple facts based on truth, just as I did in the example above. And it needs to be repeated a lot before our brains begins to believe it. Every time we find ourselves becoming worried, we can stop, repeat our new self-talk, and then step out in faith.
Cognitive restructuring works to eliminate perfectionism, too. A replacement thought for perfectionistic beliefs might sound like this: “I will do my best, but if I make a mistake, I will be okay. I can keep a good sense of humor about my mistakes and perhaps learn to laugh at myself, instead of expecting so much.”
Memorizing Scripture helps us put our fears into perspective.
When we are struggling to overcome avoidance behaviors, worry, and perfectionism, we can turn to Scripture for many references that will reassure us. Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Isn’t it ridiculous to be afraid of something if the God of the universe is personally walking in front of us? No one is bigger or stronger than God, so what are we worrying about? As far as I'm concerned, a lack of trust in God may be the number one source of all fear. The best remedy for a shortage of trust is to read the Bible. God’s Word can help us to grow in our faith and to learn to trust Him more.
Is it time to ask for help?
If fears are becoming so overwhelming for you that you can't function in a normal way, please find a psychologist or psychiatrist to help you. I lived for nearly forty years with my fear of riding in cars. What a waste of some wonderful experiences involving spectacular trips through the Swiss Alps, our Pacific Coast, and many breath-taking vistas!
In a later lesson, we will work on the skills necessary to confront the people that we need to forgive the most. For now, we just need to become aware of our fears so that they will not prevent us from finding spiritual and emotional freedom along the way.
Today's Challenge
Choose your smallest fear and write out a statement of truth about it. For example, if you're afraid of riding in elevators, you might write: "Most elevator rides end successfully. I can step in, allow the doors to close, ride up, and get off without incident on my designated floor." Repeat this affirmation and visualize yourself fearlessly performing the action. Ask God to help you. In time, you will find the courage to step out in faith and overcome this minor fear. Later, we'll work on the bigger ones.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Face What Isn't Working
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #30
Successful people look at circumstances that are not working, and they take appropriate actions to change things. On the other hand, people living in denial ignore the 'yellow alerts' that Jack talked about in a previous chapter. If we are living in denial, we look away from obvious problems by:
-ignoring a hostile and toxic work environment;
-drinking caffeine to overcome our lack of physical energy;
-using drugs or alcohol to soothe ourselves;
-avoiding the mirror because of our excess weight;
-putting off doctors' appointments to address our poor health;
-excusing our obesity, because everyone else is bigger than we are;
-turning a blind eye to a spouse who abuses, neglects, or cheats on us; or
-avoiding confrontation with people who hurt us.
Remember the yellow alerts.
Yellow alerts are little signals that we get both externally and internally that something is not right. We often ignore these warnings, because confronting them might make us uncomfortable. We continue to put up with intolerable circumstances, because we don't want to step outside of our comfort zone.
Successful people are in touch with reality. They are willing to look at the truth about situations, and then they deal with it. They never attempt to hide it or deny it.
Know when to hold them, know when to fold them.
Before we can fix our problems, we must be able to recognize them. Then, we have to decide that we're going to take action. So many people are in such deep denial, that they actually say they're happy with a situation when they not. In other words, they're living a lie.
During the 20 years that I remained with my first husband, I lived a lie. Everyone thought we lived a charmed life, because we were wealthy, well-educated, and lived in a series of beautiful homes. The truth is, I was miserable, but I would never let on. For a long time, it was easier to tell myself that I could live with the agony of a troubled marriage. Attempting to leave only made the abuse worse in the short run.
A psychiatrist finally broke through my denial. On my first visit to his office, he asked why I stayed with an abuser. I told him it's what God expected of me. He looked me sqaurely in the eye and asked, "You think you can make a leopard change its spots? Stop a speeding train?" His questions rattled me, and I didn't like his approach. But he got me thinking, and I eventually came to understand: I could never change my ex-husband, but I could change my response to the abuse. It took less than a year to clearly see the hopelessness of my broken marriage and to file for divorce.
Denial is based on fear.
When we live in denial, it's because we're afraid to face the truth. The Bible tells us more than 300 times not to be afraid. When I was trying to work up the courage to leave my first husband, I turned to Scripture daily for boldness. Psalm 118:6 reads, The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? When our lives are a mess, we must trust that God will walk with us to get us back on the path he has in mind for us.
Jack points out the good news in breaking free from uncomfortable situations. The more we face what isn't working, the easier it gets. And when we become better at recognizing yellow alerts, the more quickly we take action.
Today's Challenge
Make a list of what isn't working in your life. Be sure to include the seven major areas: finances, career, recreation, health, relationships, personal growth, and community service. Ask others to tell you what they see that is not working for you. Ask them to make suggestions about how to improve each situation. Choose one suggested action and do it. Then keep taking another action each day until the situation is resolved.
Successful people look at circumstances that are not working, and they take appropriate actions to change things. On the other hand, people living in denial ignore the 'yellow alerts' that Jack talked about in a previous chapter. If we are living in denial, we look away from obvious problems by:
-ignoring a hostile and toxic work environment;
-drinking caffeine to overcome our lack of physical energy;
-using drugs or alcohol to soothe ourselves;
-avoiding the mirror because of our excess weight;
-putting off doctors' appointments to address our poor health;
-excusing our obesity, because everyone else is bigger than we are;
-turning a blind eye to a spouse who abuses, neglects, or cheats on us; or
-avoiding confrontation with people who hurt us.
Remember the yellow alerts.
Yellow alerts are little signals that we get both externally and internally that something is not right. We often ignore these warnings, because confronting them might make us uncomfortable. We continue to put up with intolerable circumstances, because we don't want to step outside of our comfort zone.
Successful people are in touch with reality. They are willing to look at the truth about situations, and then they deal with it. They never attempt to hide it or deny it.
Know when to hold them, know when to fold them.
Before we can fix our problems, we must be able to recognize them. Then, we have to decide that we're going to take action. So many people are in such deep denial, that they actually say they're happy with a situation when they not. In other words, they're living a lie.
During the 20 years that I remained with my first husband, I lived a lie. Everyone thought we lived a charmed life, because we were wealthy, well-educated, and lived in a series of beautiful homes. The truth is, I was miserable, but I would never let on. For a long time, it was easier to tell myself that I could live with the agony of a troubled marriage. Attempting to leave only made the abuse worse in the short run.
A psychiatrist finally broke through my denial. On my first visit to his office, he asked why I stayed with an abuser. I told him it's what God expected of me. He looked me sqaurely in the eye and asked, "You think you can make a leopard change its spots? Stop a speeding train?" His questions rattled me, and I didn't like his approach. But he got me thinking, and I eventually came to understand: I could never change my ex-husband, but I could change my response to the abuse. It took less than a year to clearly see the hopelessness of my broken marriage and to file for divorce.
Denial is based on fear.
When we live in denial, it's because we're afraid to face the truth. The Bible tells us more than 300 times not to be afraid. When I was trying to work up the courage to leave my first husband, I turned to Scripture daily for boldness. Psalm 118:6 reads, The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? When our lives are a mess, we must trust that God will walk with us to get us back on the path he has in mind for us.
Jack points out the good news in breaking free from uncomfortable situations. The more we face what isn't working, the easier it gets. And when we become better at recognizing yellow alerts, the more quickly we take action.
Today's Challenge
Make a list of what isn't working in your life. Be sure to include the seven major areas: finances, career, recreation, health, relationships, personal growth, and community service. Ask others to tell you what they see that is not working for you. Ask them to make suggestions about how to improve each situation. Choose one suggested action and do it. Then keep taking another action each day until the situation is resolved.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #15
Many people never achieve their dreams, because they allow fear to get it in the way. Jack provides some helpful methods for overcoming our anxieties that are holding us back.
(1) Understand why we are all fearful.
God built into us an automatic response system that helps us to react to fear. If we are threatened, adrenalin rushes through our system to give us the strength to either fight or flee. This response system can become highly over-reactive in people who have experienced abuse or trauma.
We can regain control over this imbalance if we simply understand that our reaction to fear is natural. Everyone experiences it. We can learn to control it so that nothing stops us from achieving our goals.
(2)Be willing to feel the fear.
If we aren't willing to ever feel some fear, we'll never achieve our dreams. Everyone gets butterflies in their stomachs before speaking before a large audience. But we can learn how to use that fear to our advantage to push onward.
Psalm 118:6-7 reads, The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? If we realize that most of our fears are unfounded and that God protects us along the way, we can develop greater courage to face scary ventures.
(3) Fear is Fantasized Experiences Appearing Real.
Almost all of our fears are self-created. It stands to reason, therefore, that if we create the fantasies of fear in our minds, we can get rid of them.
Jack recommends the following exercise for getting rid of fears:
-Create a list of things we're afraid to do;
-Restate each fear in the following format:
I want to __________________, and I scare myself by imgaining that ____________________________________.
I recognize that I am fearful about jumping back into the workforce after being on disability for many years. In the past, I have been politely asked to give up positions because my health interfered with my performance. Here is what my fear statement would look like:
I want to become independent of disability by writing and publishing books, and I scare myself by imagining that we'll be in trouble financially if I earn enough to end my disability payments and then get sick again.
(4) Get rid of fear.
We can make our fears disappear by asking ourselves what is scary. Then, we can replace that image with its opposite. We can create a new statement that looks like this:
I want to become independent of disability by writing and publishing books, and I imagine that we'll be financially free when I earn so much money that it won't matter if I don't have disability, even if I do get sick again.
(5) Replace the physical sensations that accompany fear.
Jack provides an excellent way to learn how to sense what happens to us physically when we think about our fears. First, we can focus on the feelings that go with fear: tense muscles, headache, uneasy stomach, etc.
Next, we can think about the feelings we'd rather have: joy, calm, confidence, etc.
We can shift back and forth between two of these feelings for 15 seconds each. In other words, think of that uneasiness in your stomach for 15 seconds, and then shift over to the calm that you feel when things go well for you for 15 seconds.
Keep making this shift between fear and calm for 1 to 2 minutes. By the time you're finished with this exercise, you will know that you can control the fear.
(6) Remember back to times when you triumphed in the face of fear.
Think of a time when you were scared, but you mustered up the courage and just did whatever it was that made you fearful. When we face a fear and act anyway, we develop confidence in ourselves. The next time a similar situation occurs, we can remember our courage so that fear doesn't stop us.
This past Sunday, I knew that I needed to go forward at the end of the church service to tell everyone that God had answered their prayers regarding my health. Speaking in front of large crowds has always terrified me, and I didn't want to do it. But I knew that God needed to be honored for his mercy, so I made myself walk up there.
When the pastor handed me the microphone, and I looked out at that sea of faces, I took a deep breath and tried to sound intelligent. My knees were shaking so hard, I thought my legs would give out. But when everyone burst into applause and smiled broadly at me, I realized that I wouldn't have missed that moment for anything. If I can triumph in the face of fear, so can you.
(7) Scale down the risk.
Jack suggests starting with smaller challenges and working our way up to the more difficult ones. By following this excellent advice, we can develop our courage and our confidence.
Talking to small groups of people that I know used to terrify me as much as speaking before a large audience. Now, the small group stuff is a breeze. Someday, the large audiences will be, too.
(8) Figure out if your fear is really a phobia.
If we've got a fear that's preventing us from functioning normally, we've got to deal with it. It's not necessary to be terrified of walking up a set of stairs, flying on an airplane, getting into a car, and so on.
Jack recommends Dr. Roger Callahan's Five-Minute Phobia cure. You can find it at www.ftfrx.com.
Today's Challenge
Today, take a leap and transform your life. Make a list of 10 things that you're afraid to do. Write them out in the format suggested above, and then re-write them with the opposite outcome.
Many people never achieve their dreams, because they allow fear to get it in the way. Jack provides some helpful methods for overcoming our anxieties that are holding us back.
(1) Understand why we are all fearful.
God built into us an automatic response system that helps us to react to fear. If we are threatened, adrenalin rushes through our system to give us the strength to either fight or flee. This response system can become highly over-reactive in people who have experienced abuse or trauma.
We can regain control over this imbalance if we simply understand that our reaction to fear is natural. Everyone experiences it. We can learn to control it so that nothing stops us from achieving our goals.
(2)Be willing to feel the fear.
If we aren't willing to ever feel some fear, we'll never achieve our dreams. Everyone gets butterflies in their stomachs before speaking before a large audience. But we can learn how to use that fear to our advantage to push onward.
Psalm 118:6-7 reads, The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? If we realize that most of our fears are unfounded and that God protects us along the way, we can develop greater courage to face scary ventures.
(3) Fear is Fantasized Experiences Appearing Real.
Almost all of our fears are self-created. It stands to reason, therefore, that if we create the fantasies of fear in our minds, we can get rid of them.
Jack recommends the following exercise for getting rid of fears:
-Create a list of things we're afraid to do;
-Restate each fear in the following format:
I want to __________________, and I scare myself by imgaining that ____________________________________.
I recognize that I am fearful about jumping back into the workforce after being on disability for many years. In the past, I have been politely asked to give up positions because my health interfered with my performance. Here is what my fear statement would look like:
I want to become independent of disability by writing and publishing books, and I scare myself by imagining that we'll be in trouble financially if I earn enough to end my disability payments and then get sick again.
(4) Get rid of fear.
We can make our fears disappear by asking ourselves what is scary. Then, we can replace that image with its opposite. We can create a new statement that looks like this:
I want to become independent of disability by writing and publishing books, and I imagine that we'll be financially free when I earn so much money that it won't matter if I don't have disability, even if I do get sick again.
(5) Replace the physical sensations that accompany fear.
Jack provides an excellent way to learn how to sense what happens to us physically when we think about our fears. First, we can focus on the feelings that go with fear: tense muscles, headache, uneasy stomach, etc.
Next, we can think about the feelings we'd rather have: joy, calm, confidence, etc.
We can shift back and forth between two of these feelings for 15 seconds each. In other words, think of that uneasiness in your stomach for 15 seconds, and then shift over to the calm that you feel when things go well for you for 15 seconds.
Keep making this shift between fear and calm for 1 to 2 minutes. By the time you're finished with this exercise, you will know that you can control the fear.
(6) Remember back to times when you triumphed in the face of fear.
Think of a time when you were scared, but you mustered up the courage and just did whatever it was that made you fearful. When we face a fear and act anyway, we develop confidence in ourselves. The next time a similar situation occurs, we can remember our courage so that fear doesn't stop us.
This past Sunday, I knew that I needed to go forward at the end of the church service to tell everyone that God had answered their prayers regarding my health. Speaking in front of large crowds has always terrified me, and I didn't want to do it. But I knew that God needed to be honored for his mercy, so I made myself walk up there.
When the pastor handed me the microphone, and I looked out at that sea of faces, I took a deep breath and tried to sound intelligent. My knees were shaking so hard, I thought my legs would give out. But when everyone burst into applause and smiled broadly at me, I realized that I wouldn't have missed that moment for anything. If I can triumph in the face of fear, so can you.
(7) Scale down the risk.
Jack suggests starting with smaller challenges and working our way up to the more difficult ones. By following this excellent advice, we can develop our courage and our confidence.
Talking to small groups of people that I know used to terrify me as much as speaking before a large audience. Now, the small group stuff is a breeze. Someday, the large audiences will be, too.
(8) Figure out if your fear is really a phobia.
If we've got a fear that's preventing us from functioning normally, we've got to deal with it. It's not necessary to be terrified of walking up a set of stairs, flying on an airplane, getting into a car, and so on.
Jack recommends Dr. Roger Callahan's Five-Minute Phobia cure. You can find it at www.ftfrx.com.
Today's Challenge
Today, take a leap and transform your life. Make a list of 10 things that you're afraid to do. Write them out in the format suggested above, and then re-write them with the opposite outcome.
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