Release Your Enemy to God

For the past two months, we have journeyed together through my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Today is the final post on this topic. Next week, we will begin a new series based on the fruit of the Spirit, titled Thriving in God's Garden.

Forgiveness is a long journey.
For a number of years, I have been working through this process of forgiving the people who have hurt me the most. I would like to thank my friends and readers who have offered their thoughts about this topic. You have all been extremely helpful. The following paragraphs contain my conclusions about how a survivor of abuse or trauma can remove the roadblocks to forgiveness and begin to thrive.

We are deeply wounded by abuse or trauma.
First, we must acknowledge that childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, and trauma all leave us with scars. When our perpetrators are finished with us, we may feel:

angry,
fearful,
mistrusting,
incompetent,
guilty,
vengeful,
prideful,
hateful, or
depressed.

Before we can forgive, we must face the truth about our past. If it was hurtful, we need to admit that to ourselves. Then, we need to ask God to comfort us.

Misunderstandings about forgiveness stand as roadblocks for us.
Second, we must realize that many misunderstandings about forgiveness stand in our way to achieving inner peace. These roadblocks to forgiveness include the following:

Roadblock #1: We must learn to get along with evil people.
Often, victims of childhood sexual abuse are told by their abusers that sexual activity between children and adults is good. Harming a child for self-gratification is never good. Actions such as these are always evil, but evil people may try to convince us that they are good.

When we fail to recognize the differences between good and evil, we get stranded on the side of the forgiveness road. The Bible tells us that good and evil cannot coexist. Therefore, we must separate ourselves from the people who continue to abuse us so that we can clearly understand the differences between good and evil.

By studying the Bible, talking with mature Christians, and praying for God to make us more like him, we can clear up this misunderstanding that we must learn to live with evil people. We can finally see that whatever opposes God's law or his character is evil. And whatever imitates him is good.

By learning to see God from a more balanced perspective, we can move forward on the road to forgiving by letting go of the people who are evil. In doing this, we learn without a doubt that our God is balanced, offering blessings to those who obey him and punishment for those who oppose him.

Roadblock #2: I am superior to my enemy.
As victims of serious crimes, we often see ourselves as superior to our perpetrators. This attitude always stands in our way of inner peace. As long as we think the entire problem lies with our enemy, we will remain stalled in our quest to forgive.

We must learn to see ourselves as God does, just as faulty on the inside as our enemies. If we are ever going to forgive them, we have to learn what the entire forgiveness process entails. The steps to forgiving mean that we:

-recognize that God's character defines all that is good,
-recognize that whatever opposes God's character is evil,
-admit that we have faults, just as our enemy does,
-humbly ask God to forgive our sins,
-accept God's grace and let go of all guilt,
-turn our life completely around so that we can imitate God better,
-ask others whom we have hurt for their forgiveness, and
-offer restitution to anyone we have hurt.

Roadblock #3: I have to restore the relationship with my enemy.
The biggest roadblock to forgiveness looms before us when we confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. To reconcile means that we put our differences aside and resume a relationship with someone who has hurt us.

Many people assume that if we forgive someone, we have to invite them back into our lives. This is not true. It is perfectly okay for us to remove ourselves permanently from the influence of someone who has hurt us or continues to hurt us. Even if the person who hurt us is a member of our own family, we do not have to invite them back into our lives.

Roadblock #4: I have to teach my enemy how to apologize.
So many victims believe that it is their duty to teach their enemies how to admit their sin, receive God's grace, and change their lives. As victims, we are the last people who should be doing this. We will only be seen as preachy hypocrites in our enemy's eyes. It is far better to pray for them from a distance, asking God to send others to change them. We can never force our enemies into changing so that we can forgive them.

Roadblock #5: I have to tell him, "I forgive you."
Many victims assume that they have to walk up to the criminal who has hurt them and say the words, "I forgive you," even if that person has never accepted responsibilty for his actions, apologized, changed his life, or offered restitution. This assumption hurts both victim and perpetrator.

When a victim tells her perpetrator, "I forgive you," without any forgiveness effort on his part, she sets herself up for further abuse. Many abusers see this pardon as a green light to resume the behaviors that must not have been all that bad. Otherwise, in their minds, the forgiveness would not have been forthcoming.

This type of pseudo-forgiveness hurts the perpetrator, too. It robs him of the opportunity to learn how to humble himself before God and the people he has hurt. It steals away the time he needs to figure out how to accept and give forgiveness.

The best way to handle an unrepentant enemy who has never truly accepted responsiblity for his actions or sincerely apologized for them is to say these words to God alone: "I release my enemy into your hands. I am willing to forgive him when he is ready. Please help him."

The words we may choose to say to our enemies from a distance, either by phone or letter, are these: "You have hurt me. I am willing to forgive you after you have learned what it takes to be forgiven. Until then, we cannot be in a relationship." Enough said. Hang up or sign the letter.

We can only change ourselves.
Third, when we release our enemies, we let go of our need to control the outcome. Instead of spending the rest of our lives focused on how our perpetrator needs to change, we can focus on changing ourselves. In the meantime, we get out of the way so that God can work on our enemy's heart.

We change ourselves by learning as much as we can about God's character, and then we imitate him to the best of our ability. We learn, as I have taught in this series, what it takes to humble ourselves before God and others to offer sincere apologies when we hurt people. We follow up our apologies with offers of restitution, and we try our best to learn a lesson so that we don't repeat the same mistakes.

By focusing on our own need for forgiveness, we let go of our preoccupation with our enemy's need for forgiveness. This frees us to go back and clean up the messes that were caused by the original abuse, such as our anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, vengefulness, pride, hatred, and depression.

We should show others how to forgive.
Fourth, we should share these newfound lessons about forgiveness with others. Now that you understand the truth about the forgiveness journey and how you can remove the roadblocks, I hope you'll begin to thrive! When you feel confident, I hope you'll teach the process to others by modeling appropriate forgiveness throughout your life.

I am at peace.
Somewhere along the way, God helped me to let go of the bitterness and anger that I felt toward the people who have deeply hurt me. When I began to pray that he would help me let go of them, my grip on the list of their faults began to loosen.

Today, I am at peace, because I realize that it is not my job to point out my enemies' faults to them. I am the last person they need to hear from regarding how badly they have failed at the forgiveness process. Some therapists advocate confronting abusers to tell them exactly how much they have hurt us. I disagree. God knows what they've done. We can tell him about our hurts and leave our enemies in his capable hands.

I continue to pray that my enemies will learn about the forgiveness process, because it brings such peace. I have released the people who have hurt me into God's hands, and I look forward to the outcomes he is able to bring about in their lives. Perhaps they will come to me someday to show me that they are sincerely sorry. If that happens, we will all rejoice together.

In the meantime, this search for a way to forgive my enemies has led me to the realization that I needed to be humbled. I am not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Holding onto the pain of my past was hurting me far more than it was helping my enemies to see the error of their ways.

Share your insights about forgiveness with me.
Thank you for taking this road trip with me. I value your feedback, so please post your comments here or send them to me at cheryldenton@rocketmail.com.

Join me next week as we begin my new series, Thriving In God's Garden.

Repair Trust

We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Yesterday, we learned that when trust is broken by childhood sexual abuse or early trauma, we may suffer from an inability to grow both psychologically and socially. Today, we learn how to repair trust so that it will not get in the way of forgiving others.

Has mistrust become a lifestyle for you?
Many of us who have survived abuse or trauma prefer not to trust anyone or anything, because it has become a lifestyle that is simply too hard to change. We don't deal with this issue well, because it requires a lot of courage to trust again. Instead, we engage in alternative habits to cover up our mistrust, including:

hyperactivity,
living a life filled with distractions,
drinking,
using illegal drugs,
overworking,
controlling others,
isolating ourselves,
distancing ourselves from others,
using anger to keep people at bay,
engaging in pornographic activities,
experimenting with illicit sexual activities,
overeating, or
gambling.

We can break these habits and learn to trust by following the three steps below.

First, trust God.
I believe that no amount of psychotherapy alone will ever help a person to fully trust again once they have been deeply hurt. Read that again. I did not say that psychotherapy is useless. I said that psychotherapy by itself is not the answer.

We must look to God to heal us as we work through this issue of mistrust. Unless we can learn to trust God, we will never truly trust our fellow humans.

There are countless Bible verses that address our need to trust in God. You can go to www.biblegateway.com and type in the word trust to find encouragement. Here are just a few reasons why you can trust God:

He takes care of us when our parents neglect or abuse us.
The helpless put their trust in you. You defend the orphans.
(Psalm 10:14)

God protects us from harm.
I trust in the Lord for protection. (Psalm 11:1)

Trusting God makes us feel like singing.
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. (Psalm 28:7)

God loves us, even while wicked people are hurting us.
Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord. (Psalm 32:10)

God never lies or deceives us as people sometimes do.
For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything he does. (Psalm 33:4)

God provides us with food and everything else we need that is good for us.
Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:10)

Psychologists tell us that it's a lot easier for us to exercise our free will than it is to experience our feelings. So even if you don't feel as if you can ever trust God, by willing yourself to trust his promises above, you can expect to see results.

Second, create distance from the people who continually hurt you.
If we are enmeshed in relationships with people who continually abuse us, there is no way that we can learn to trust. The trauma of abuse keeps re-programming our brains to mistrust, to fear, and to feel angry. Therefore, it is necessary to go to a safe place before we can trust again.

Even after we remove ourselves from an abusive situation, we may need a considerable amount of time before we can trust. I have been free from my first husband's abuse for thirteen years, and I am still working on trusting others.

Third, walk with a trustworthy friend.
After my divorce, I didn't trust anyone but myself. I made up my mind that I could handle whatever life threw at me. I decided that I didn't need God, a husband, or any other man.

For nearly a year, I didn't attend church. During that time, I made some of the worst decisions of my life. Without God, I eventually blundered into a really unhealthy relationship that proved to be the catalyst that set me back on track.

I was dating a guy, and we were seriously considering marriage. After spending a day together, we were saying good-bye in my driveway. He said that there were only two women in his life that he had ever truly loved. I waited, expecting him to name his mother and me. Instead, he named his first two wives.

In that instant, I knew that I was in deep trouble, because I had turned my back on God. I told the man not to bother coming to my house ever again, and I went inside. Beside my bed, I fell to my knees and admitted to Jesus that my life was a mess. I asked him to forgive me and to lead me.

When I finally trusted Christ, I felt like a little kid who had finally run into the arms of the one grown-up in the world who was safe. I felt that I could sob with relief on the Lord’s shoulder, because I did not have to try so hard anymore to shield myself from others or to take care of myself when others failed.

That was a turning point for me. Trusting God opened the doors to marvelous changes. He led me to a church, where I was embraced as an adult Bible study leader and handbell choir member. Through that faith family, I learned that if I wanted to have a man in my life, I needed to let God choose him. Within a year, I met Joe.

I didn't think I could ever trust anyone, especially not a man. But Joe Denton was different: he was like Jesus with skin on. Over time, I realized that no matter what I did, he would never stop loving me. I could make mistakes, and he wouldn't raise his voice, hit me, or leave me. Joe helped me to fully trust another human being for the first time in my life...at the age of forty.

Begin a new journey today by willing yourself to trust God first, setting yourself apart from abusive or toxic people, and finding a trustworthy friend to walk alongside you. Learning to trust is a key step on the journey to forgiving others.

Today's Challenge
Open your journal to the list of people whom you don't trust. If they are abusive or toxic, remove yourself from daily contact with them. Find some Bible verses online that encourage you to trust God. Write them in your journal. Then start praying for someone trustworthy to come alongside you.

How Important is Trust?

We have already discussed the first two roadblocks to forgiveness: anger and fear. Today, we move on to tackle a particularly stubborn roadblock: mistrust. I hope that by the time you finish reading today's post, you will have a solid understanding about how mistrust is holding you back in many areas of your life, including the ability to forgive.

Understanding the psychology behind trust is important to our recovery.
Erik Erikson was a German psychologist (1902-1994) who became famous for his theories about the stages of psychosocial development. He was very interested in how we form our identities, and he listed eight stages of development from birth to death. Each stage is marked by a conflict that must be resolved in order for a person to achieve complete emotional growth.

Below is a brief summary of Erikson's work; including ages, conflicts to be resolved at each age, and a virtue to be gained in the process:

Ages.......Conflict to be Resolved........Virtue to be Gained

0-1...............Trust v Mistrust.......................Hope
1-3...............Autonomy v Doubt..................Will
3-6...............Initiative v Inadequacy..........Purpose
6-12.............Industry v Inferiority..............Competence
12-18...........Identity v Confusion................Fidelity
18-40..........Intimacy v Isolation................Love
40-65..........Generativity v Stagnation.......Caring
65-death.....Integrity v Despair..................Wisdom

When we experience abuse or trauma during any one of the stages of psychosocial development, we can become stuck. For children who are victimized or neglected between the ages of birth and one year, a severe lack of trust in others undermines all future developmental stages. Trauma during later stages may alter other areas of psychosocial development.

There are social and emotional consequences for mistrust.
For many survivors of abuse and trauma, mistrust becomes a way of life. We rely only on ourselves, because others have wounded us so deeply. We develop the mistaken belief that trusting only ourselves will keep us safe. In reality, this belief system merely serves to isolate us from others so that we never reach our full potential.

Before you decide that you are never going to trust others, I want to make it very clear how a lack of trust can deeply hurt us. Based on Erikson's studies, if we decide that we will never take a chance at trusting someone, we may anticipate:

1) expecting negative outcomes from most of our experiences;
2) living in an emotional prison where we take hasty actions without feeling or thinking;
3) never achieving satisfaction in serving others through the use of our God-given talents;
4) failing at most tasks that we attempt;
5) lying to our spouse, employer, children, and God;
6) never knowing what it means to love other people or God;
7) going throughout life unable to feel compassion for others in need; and
8) dying without wisdom.

I don’t know how you feel when reading this list that results from mistrust, but it sounds like living hell to me. It seems like a sure-fire way to remain depressed, anxious, fearful, and lonely for the rest of our lives.

There are spiritual consequences for mistrust.
When the Israelites were dying of thirst in the desert, God commanded Moses to speak to a rock to make it produce water for them. Instead, Moses struck the rock with his rod to make the water pour forth. He did not trust God to cause water to come out of the rock by simply speaking the words to it. (See Numbers 20:1-13) The consequences were severe.

The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.”(Num 20:12)

Blessings await those who know how to trust.
If, on the other hand, we can learn how to trust, we may find opportunities to develop the following abilities:

1) to persevere in the belief that positive outcomes are possible for us;
2) to make well-thought-out decisions after considering our own feelings;
3) to discover our purpose in life, based on our God-given talents;
4) to perform tasks competently;
5) to maintain a faithful relationship with a spouse, an employer, or God;
6) to feel love for a spouse, children, acquaintances, or God;
7) to care for children, the sick, elderly, handicapped, or poor; and
8) to gain wisdom through our life experiences.

There is freedom in learning to trust.
If we can learn to trust God first for all of our needs, we can set ourselves completely free to trust anyone...including ourselves. Tomorrow, we will discover how to trust again--or perhaps for the first time--so that we can fully experience all that the world has to offer. Remember, learning to trust helps us to remove one more roadblock on our journey toward forgiving.

Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down the names of people whom you don't trust. Beside each name, write the incident that caused you to mistrust them. Note your age at the time. Then, look back at Erikson's chart above and see if you can pinpoint which stage of development was disturbed by mistrust.