God is Full of Grace

We are discussing God's character this week in an attempt to better understand why we must become like him in order to forgive others. Yesterday, we learned about mercy, which is God's goodness expressed toward people in misery or distress. Today, we will look at grace, which is God's expression of goodness toward those who deserve only punishment.

What is grace?
Webster's Dictionary defines grace as: 1) unmerited divine assistance given man for his regeneration or sanctification; 2) a virtue coming from God; and 3) a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace.

This means that God grants unearned favors to people so that they can avoid punishment. God can give us daily grace for the sins we commit, and he can give us eternal grace in place of the punishment that we deserve.

God chooses the recipients of his grace.
God freely gives his unmerited favor to those whom he chooses. He said in Exodus 33:19 (NIV): "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion."

We cannot work to earn grace.
The apostle Paul emphasized that grace is the opposite of human effort. God chooses some people to be recipients of his grace, while others miss out on it: At the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace. (Romans 11:5-6 NIV) In other words, we cannot earn grace through any human effort; God gets to decide who receives his free gift of grace.

Some churches teach incorrectly that we are justified by grace plus some merit of our own. Examples of this merit include confessions, hardships, penalties, or compensation that believers must pay in order to be pardoned by a priest. The Bible tells us clearly that we cannot win God's grace through any efforts such as these.

The beginning of God's grace is faith in Christ.
The Bible clearly teaches that faith in Christ is a requirement for all people who want God's grace. Paul's letter to the Roman church states, This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:22-23 NIV)

Paul's message is clear: everyone needs God's grace, because everyone sins. And the only way to get grace is to have faith in Jesus Christ.

What is faith?
Faith means that we quit relying on ourselves and trust in our heavenly Father to provide for us. It means that we quit demanding guarantees in life and start taking action, even when we aren't sure of the outcome.

For survivors of abuse who are perfectionists, faith becomes a huge challenge. Our earthly parents were not the type of people anyone would trust. If our human fathers molested us, why would we ever put our trust in a God who is called Father?

I understand this fear, because I have struggled with it for most of my life. But we cannot allow our experiences with our earthly fathers to destroy the beautiful relationship that God has in store for us. To do so allows our earthly fathers to maintain power over us.

Sadly, some women who were sexually abused make the decision that they will never trust any man, including God. Some victims choose other women as sexual partners after being victimized by men. I understand the hurt that leads to this type of behavior, but avoiding all men is not the answer, nor is homosexuality. The Bible clearly states in I Corinthians 6:9-10 (NIV):

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

Trusting in God to grant us grace must come before we can forgive.
Clearly, the inability to trust in God stands as a roadblock to forgiving others. Unless we first understand and experience God's grace for ourselves, we cannot fathom how he could possibly give that gift to people who molest children or commit crimes against us.

The continuing of God's grace is through obedience to God's commands.
For most of my life, the concept of grace has stood as a roadblock to forgiveness for me. It wasn't until I met Joe that I began to understand why.

I was raised in a church which taught that grace was free to anyone if they merely believed in Christ. I knew that my father was a child molester, and my mother was an alcoholic abuser. And yet, they claimed weekly to have earned God's unmerited favor through their confession of sins at church. This just did not make sense to me.

When I married Joe, we attended a church that taught the full meaning of grace. It begins with faith, but it continues with obedience to God's commands. A light dawned for me! My parents had only figured out the first step as potential recipients of God's grace. They had never caught on to the fact that their continued disobedience to God's laws could cause them to miss out on his grace.

If we truly have faith in Christ--trust in God and not in ourselves--it produces obedience to God's commands. The Bible clearly tells us, Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:17 NIV)

My siblings and I finally understand why our parents do not enjoy God's grace: Mom and Dad profess belief in Christ, but they are not living in obedience to God's laws. As James pointed out above, this type of faith is dead.

How do we learn to trust again so that we can receive God's grace?
We may ask how it is possible for us to ever trust someone again after being victimized by an abuser. The answer lies in the fact that God graciously gives us the Holy Spirit to empower us. Paul wrote, But by the grace of God I am what I am.(2 Cor 3:6 NIV)

For me, learning to trust again began with leaving my abusive first husband and distancing myself from my parents. It's impossible to trust anyone when every day begins with a fight for survival.

The ability to trust grew when I made the decision to dig deeper into God's Word. I began attending a church that offered Bible studies, and I spent time reading the Bible each day at home. The children and I prayed together more.

Over time, I began to trust others at church--believers in Christ who proved to be loving and supportive. As I made friends with safe people, I eventually met a couple who knew Joe. I had vowed that I would never trust another man, but Joe was different. I had never met a man with such a strong sense of commitment to protecting others from harm. For the first time in my life, I felt safe within a relationship.

When we meet someone like Joe, we get a glimpse of God's character. As we spend time with Godly people, we begin to understand God's grace. When we make mistakes and apologize, Christian friends are quick to forgive. And their love doesn't depend on our pleasing them, as it did with the abusers from our past. We learn through our relationships with other mature believers that God can be trusted and that his grace is freely offered to anyone who professes belief in Christ and obeys God's laws with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Today's Challenge
If you cannot trust in God, begin praying today that he will help you to believe in Jesus and to surrender control of your life to him. He will empower you through the Holy Spirit to have faith. Other believers can help you in your quest to experience all of God's attributes, including grace. Find a church that teaches only the Bible, and God's goodness will lead you onward.

Repair Trust

We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Yesterday, we learned that when trust is broken by childhood sexual abuse or early trauma, we may suffer from an inability to grow both psychologically and socially. Today, we learn how to repair trust so that it will not get in the way of forgiving others.

Has mistrust become a lifestyle for you?
Many of us who have survived abuse or trauma prefer not to trust anyone or anything, because it has become a lifestyle that is simply too hard to change. We don't deal with this issue well, because it requires a lot of courage to trust again. Instead, we engage in alternative habits to cover up our mistrust, including:

hyperactivity,
living a life filled with distractions,
drinking,
using illegal drugs,
overworking,
controlling others,
isolating ourselves,
distancing ourselves from others,
using anger to keep people at bay,
engaging in pornographic activities,
experimenting with illicit sexual activities,
overeating, or
gambling.

We can break these habits and learn to trust by following the three steps below.

First, trust God.
I believe that no amount of psychotherapy alone will ever help a person to fully trust again once they have been deeply hurt. Read that again. I did not say that psychotherapy is useless. I said that psychotherapy by itself is not the answer.

We must look to God to heal us as we work through this issue of mistrust. Unless we can learn to trust God, we will never truly trust our fellow humans.

There are countless Bible verses that address our need to trust in God. You can go to www.biblegateway.com and type in the word trust to find encouragement. Here are just a few reasons why you can trust God:

He takes care of us when our parents neglect or abuse us.
The helpless put their trust in you. You defend the orphans.
(Psalm 10:14)

God protects us from harm.
I trust in the Lord for protection. (Psalm 11:1)

Trusting God makes us feel like singing.
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. (Psalm 28:7)

God loves us, even while wicked people are hurting us.
Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord. (Psalm 32:10)

God never lies or deceives us as people sometimes do.
For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything he does. (Psalm 33:4)

God provides us with food and everything else we need that is good for us.
Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:10)

Psychologists tell us that it's a lot easier for us to exercise our free will than it is to experience our feelings. So even if you don't feel as if you can ever trust God, by willing yourself to trust his promises above, you can expect to see results.

Second, create distance from the people who continually hurt you.
If we are enmeshed in relationships with people who continually abuse us, there is no way that we can learn to trust. The trauma of abuse keeps re-programming our brains to mistrust, to fear, and to feel angry. Therefore, it is necessary to go to a safe place before we can trust again.

Even after we remove ourselves from an abusive situation, we may need a considerable amount of time before we can trust. I have been free from my first husband's abuse for thirteen years, and I am still working on trusting others.

Third, walk with a trustworthy friend.
After my divorce, I didn't trust anyone but myself. I made up my mind that I could handle whatever life threw at me. I decided that I didn't need God, a husband, or any other man.

For nearly a year, I didn't attend church. During that time, I made some of the worst decisions of my life. Without God, I eventually blundered into a really unhealthy relationship that proved to be the catalyst that set me back on track.

I was dating a guy, and we were seriously considering marriage. After spending a day together, we were saying good-bye in my driveway. He said that there were only two women in his life that he had ever truly loved. I waited, expecting him to name his mother and me. Instead, he named his first two wives.

In that instant, I knew that I was in deep trouble, because I had turned my back on God. I told the man not to bother coming to my house ever again, and I went inside. Beside my bed, I fell to my knees and admitted to Jesus that my life was a mess. I asked him to forgive me and to lead me.

When I finally trusted Christ, I felt like a little kid who had finally run into the arms of the one grown-up in the world who was safe. I felt that I could sob with relief on the Lord’s shoulder, because I did not have to try so hard anymore to shield myself from others or to take care of myself when others failed.

That was a turning point for me. Trusting God opened the doors to marvelous changes. He led me to a church, where I was embraced as an adult Bible study leader and handbell choir member. Through that faith family, I learned that if I wanted to have a man in my life, I needed to let God choose him. Within a year, I met Joe.

I didn't think I could ever trust anyone, especially not a man. But Joe Denton was different: he was like Jesus with skin on. Over time, I realized that no matter what I did, he would never stop loving me. I could make mistakes, and he wouldn't raise his voice, hit me, or leave me. Joe helped me to fully trust another human being for the first time in my life...at the age of forty.

Begin a new journey today by willing yourself to trust God first, setting yourself apart from abusive or toxic people, and finding a trustworthy friend to walk alongside you. Learning to trust is a key step on the journey to forgiving others.

Today's Challenge
Open your journal to the list of people whom you don't trust. If they are abusive or toxic, remove yourself from daily contact with them. Find some Bible verses online that encourage you to trust God. Write them in your journal. Then start praying for someone trustworthy to come alongside you.

How Important is Trust?

We have already discussed the first two roadblocks to forgiveness: anger and fear. Today, we move on to tackle a particularly stubborn roadblock: mistrust. I hope that by the time you finish reading today's post, you will have a solid understanding about how mistrust is holding you back in many areas of your life, including the ability to forgive.

Understanding the psychology behind trust is important to our recovery.
Erik Erikson was a German psychologist (1902-1994) who became famous for his theories about the stages of psychosocial development. He was very interested in how we form our identities, and he listed eight stages of development from birth to death. Each stage is marked by a conflict that must be resolved in order for a person to achieve complete emotional growth.

Below is a brief summary of Erikson's work; including ages, conflicts to be resolved at each age, and a virtue to be gained in the process:

Ages.......Conflict to be Resolved........Virtue to be Gained

0-1...............Trust v Mistrust.......................Hope
1-3...............Autonomy v Doubt..................Will
3-6...............Initiative v Inadequacy..........Purpose
6-12.............Industry v Inferiority..............Competence
12-18...........Identity v Confusion................Fidelity
18-40..........Intimacy v Isolation................Love
40-65..........Generativity v Stagnation.......Caring
65-death.....Integrity v Despair..................Wisdom

When we experience abuse or trauma during any one of the stages of psychosocial development, we can become stuck. For children who are victimized or neglected between the ages of birth and one year, a severe lack of trust in others undermines all future developmental stages. Trauma during later stages may alter other areas of psychosocial development.

There are social and emotional consequences for mistrust.
For many survivors of abuse and trauma, mistrust becomes a way of life. We rely only on ourselves, because others have wounded us so deeply. We develop the mistaken belief that trusting only ourselves will keep us safe. In reality, this belief system merely serves to isolate us from others so that we never reach our full potential.

Before you decide that you are never going to trust others, I want to make it very clear how a lack of trust can deeply hurt us. Based on Erikson's studies, if we decide that we will never take a chance at trusting someone, we may anticipate:

1) expecting negative outcomes from most of our experiences;
2) living in an emotional prison where we take hasty actions without feeling or thinking;
3) never achieving satisfaction in serving others through the use of our God-given talents;
4) failing at most tasks that we attempt;
5) lying to our spouse, employer, children, and God;
6) never knowing what it means to love other people or God;
7) going throughout life unable to feel compassion for others in need; and
8) dying without wisdom.

I don’t know how you feel when reading this list that results from mistrust, but it sounds like living hell to me. It seems like a sure-fire way to remain depressed, anxious, fearful, and lonely for the rest of our lives.

There are spiritual consequences for mistrust.
When the Israelites were dying of thirst in the desert, God commanded Moses to speak to a rock to make it produce water for them. Instead, Moses struck the rock with his rod to make the water pour forth. He did not trust God to cause water to come out of the rock by simply speaking the words to it. (See Numbers 20:1-13) The consequences were severe.

The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.”(Num 20:12)

Blessings await those who know how to trust.
If, on the other hand, we can learn how to trust, we may find opportunities to develop the following abilities:

1) to persevere in the belief that positive outcomes are possible for us;
2) to make well-thought-out decisions after considering our own feelings;
3) to discover our purpose in life, based on our God-given talents;
4) to perform tasks competently;
5) to maintain a faithful relationship with a spouse, an employer, or God;
6) to feel love for a spouse, children, acquaintances, or God;
7) to care for children, the sick, elderly, handicapped, or poor; and
8) to gain wisdom through our life experiences.

There is freedom in learning to trust.
If we can learn to trust God first for all of our needs, we can set ourselves completely free to trust anyone...including ourselves. Tomorrow, we will discover how to trust again--or perhaps for the first time--so that we can fully experience all that the world has to offer. Remember, learning to trust helps us to remove one more roadblock on our journey toward forgiving.

Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down the names of people whom you don't trust. Beside each name, write the incident that caused you to mistrust them. Note your age at the time. Then, look back at Erikson's chart above and see if you can pinpoint which stage of development was disturbed by mistrust.

Speak with Impeccability

Jack Canfield's Success Principle #51

Successful people learn to master their words. They say things that will build self-esteem, self-confidence, and dreams. Through positive words, successful people help others to reach their goals by affirming, encouraging, appreciating, loving, and accepting them.

Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Does this describe the way you talk?

Our words create changes in the energy that we give and receive.
Jack points out that if we express love and acceptance to others, they will experience love for us. If, on the other hand, we express judgment or contempt for others, we will get the same in return. Expressions of gratitude result in appreciation returned to us.

Everything that we say produces an effect in the world. Did you know that every sound ever uttered travels through space and continues on for light years across the universe? This fact, when I remember it, causes me to zip my lips. How many useless words have I uttered? How many times have I wasted my breath in saying something pointless or unkind?

It's important to consider whether our words are going to advance our goals of becoming the best version of ourselves. Does our speech uplift the people listening? Do our words inspire, motivate, or create forward momentum? We must also ask whether our words will create safety and trust, or whether they will instill fear in others.

Stop lying and gossiping.
Lying is the product of low self-esteem; it is the belief that we and our abilities are somehow not enough to get us what we want. It is also based on the false belief that we can't handle the consequences of people knowing the truth about us. As we learned yesterday, it is imperative that we say what is true at all times.

When we gossip about someone, it shows the rest of the world that we are the kind of person who regularly talks about others behind their backs. It makes people wonder if we will turn that verbal poison on them. It erodes trust.

Caesar Milan is an author and star of the TV show, The Dog Whisperer. He understands the minds of dogs better than most people do. Recently, he made the point that if a dog doesn't trust a human, he will have no respect for the man. As a result, the dog may bite his owner, tear up his home, and soil his carpets. Without respect, there can be no relationship between man and dog.

Much of what Caesar Milan has to say about dogs, I believe, can be applied to human relationships, as well. As an abuse survivor, I can say that it used to be very difficult for me to trust others. After experiencing so much hurt, it was easier to rely only on myself. The problem with this over-reliance on self was that it often made it difficult for me to respect others. I tended to be very critical of people, which didn't do much for my relationships with them.

This lack of trust creates a multitude of problems for abuse survivors, but we can learn to overcome them. We can begin by finding someone reliable whom we can trust. Through safe encounters with trustworthy people, we can learn what it means to respect someone, to admire them, and to eventually love them.

When I met Joe, there was something about his demeanor that gave me my first glimpse into trustworthiness. He had served in the Air Force with military intelligence. He knew things that were so confidential, to speak of them could bring about devastation for our nation.

In all the years that we have been married, Joe has never shared any of that top-secret information with me. I realized by his example that anyone can learn to keep quiet about confidential matters. And when a person keeps confidences, we begin to trust him. Joe was the first man I ever trusted. Out of that trust has grown tremendous respect, which has evolved into a beautiful love relationship between the two of us.

But everyone is gossiping!
Gossip is all around us. I can be as guilty as the next person if I'm not careful about what I say. We hear it at work, in our neighborhoods, at home, and even in church. We can check our own words, but what about those around us who won't quit gossiping? We can follow these practical tips to stop others from gossiping and to prevent ourselves from falling back into it:

1) Change the subject. Remember that gossip lowers us back to a place of mistrust, where most gossipers remain stuck.
2) Say something positive about the gossiper to re-direct his perspective.
3) Walk away from the conversation.
4) Keep your mouth shut.
5) Clearly state that you no longer want to participate in gossiping.

Today's Challenge
Pay close attention to the words that come out of your mouth today. How do you feel after speaking? Do your words make you feel happy, joyful, calm, or at peace? Or have they left you feeling pretty miserable? Check both your verbal and written words for impeccability and change any that are not uplifting to others and energizing to yourself.

Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com

Embrace Change

Jack Canfield's Success Principle #31

Grow or die.
Change is inevitable. People who are successful know this, and they embrace change. Jack provides two examples of big businesses and their responses to change.

In the early 1900s, Americans were no longer growing up and dying in their hometowns. Many people were moving far from home, and they needed to send flowers to loved ones in other places. A group of florists got together to combine their services with the telegraph system. They founded Florists' Telegraph Delivery, which we know today as FTD. Because those florists embraced change, they thrived.

At the same time, America's railroad system found itself challenged by the auto and airplane industries. However, it saw itself primarily as a transporter of goods, not people. The railroad companies didn't respond to the change as the florists did, and our train system nearly died out. It has never recovered.

When change happens, we can either go along with it or be run over by it. I can remember once asking my 90-year-old grandmother how she had adapted to so much change in her lifetime. We were on a jet, and I remembered stories about the first time she ever rode on a bus. She was nearly 30 years old then, and it was the first time she had ever left her hometown. She shrugged and said, "You just learn to get used to it, I guess." Grandma was the resilient sort, who looked forward to new experiences, even if they were a little frightening.

Become resilent, not resistant.
Many of us who have struggled with PTSD find change extremely difficult. We often develop a condition known as adjustment disorder. This means that we simply cannot adjust to new situations without a lot of interventions.

When we are not safe, change gives us just one more reason to feel that life is slipping out of control. But once we have found safety, it's important to let go of the need to control everything. Otherwise, we simply become rigid people who can't tolerate even the smallest bumps in the road.

If we learn to become resilient, we can bend, like a mighty oak swaying in high winds. When we are resistant, change will break us, just as a high wind might shatter a window.

Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." In other words, to have a relationship with Christ, we must be able to trust him completely, just as a little child would.

In the same way, we must trust God to help us through all of the changes that life throws at us. I think resiliency is synonymous with trust in this instance. Resistant people don't trust that something better lies ahead.

Realize that there are two types of change.
Change comes in one of two forms: cyclical change and structural change. We have no control over either one. Cyclical change occurs several times each year. We see it in the weather, holiday shopping trends, and so on. Most of us adapt to this pretty easily.

Structural change, however, is more difficult to adjust to. It's the type of change that really alters how we do things. Inventions such as the television, telephone, and computer have radically changed the way we live. We must accept these types of structural changes, or they'll do us in.

Learn to adapt to change.
We can all learn to embrace change with one simple exercise. We can look back and list ways that we've adapted to change in the past. We can recognize times when we were at first resistant. When we surrendered to it, though, our lives improved.

I recently went through tremendous change that I thought would crush me. When my daughter left for college, I wasn't sure that I would be able to continue breathing. The first night, I cried for hours. I don't think I've ever seen Joe eyeing me with such concern.

Each day, I just kept getting up and going through the motions. It was difficult, because I had been someone's mommy for nearly thirty years. Without any of my offspring in the house, I felt obsolete.

I knew, though, that I couldn't cry forever. And I couldn't get stuck in that dead zone of wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I decided to get more involved at church, and slowly, my focus began to shift from my children to others.

Today, I can honestly say that being an empty-nester is the best time of life. We have enough money, no one uses up all of the hot water in the morning, food doesn't disappear from the fridge at the speed of light, and we don't lie awake at night waiting for one of the kids to come home. In fact, this phase of my life has become one of the most satisfying. I've successfully launched my kids into the world, and now I get to do the things I've always wanted to.

Today's Challenge
Begin today to look at each new change with excitement and anticipation. To get moving in the right direction, ask yourself these questions from The Success Principles, page 228:

What's changing in my life that I'm currently resisting?
Why am I resisting that change?
What am I afraid of with respect to this change?
What's the cost for keeping things the way they are?
What benefits might there be for me if I cooperate with this change?
What steps must I take to make this change?
When will I take the next step?

Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com