We are drawing close to the end of our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Along the way, we have learned about how abuse and trauma changes us, how God plays an important role in the process, and how imperative it is for us to learn about our own need for forgiveness.
When we recognize the difference between righteousness and sin, we are better able to look within and see that we have faults, just as the person we need to forgive does. Different faults, but faults, nonetheless.
If we can admit that we have problems, ask God to forgive us, and accept his grace, we are poised to consider how we might change. And change we must, if we ever want to forgive.
Let go and let God.
For many of us who are survivors, we cling to unforgiveness, because it's the only way we believe that we can control the situation and force our perpetrators to change. We wrongly believe that if we withhold forgiveness, the other person will apologize and set things right. This is not how forgiveness works. God is the only one who can measure out just the right doses of justice and grace. We must let go so that God can work in the situation.
Change yourself, not your enemy.
We must initiate deep and lasting changes within ourselves. When we do, if our enemy is capable of change, he will respond. Waiting for him to make the first move leaves us holding onto bitterness that serves only to hurt us.
If the person who has hurt us is what I would call toxic, he may never change. In cases like this, why would we want to remain involved in the process of reforming him? To me, this seems about as smart as swimming with crocodiles. Get out of the water and let God deal with truly toxic people.
What kind of change do we need?
When it seems unclear how we are supposed to go about changing, I think that the best place to look is at God. We've already learned about his character. By imitating him, we find the change within ourselves that creates peace.
I go back constantly to Galatians 5:22 (NIV): But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. When we get to the point of living where those adjectives describe us, we're finally on the right path toward forgiving.
Old habits die hard.
This degree of change within ourselves is not easy. Like all humans, we are creatures of habit. And habits die hard.
For instance, my doctor recently put me on a rotation diet so that I can overcome numerous food allergies. This is not an easy way of life, because the diet demands that I eat only certain foods on particular days.
To follow this diet, I had to go through my pantry, cupboards, fridge, and freezer. I gave away or threw out bags of food and arranged what was left in groupings that help me follow the meal plans.
This diet made me think about how profound our change of heart must be to reach a point of forgiving. It's not a quick fix, and it takes a lot of determination and learning to get to a point of success. More importantly, it has to become a way of life in order to work.
Through my diet, I am hoping to overcome my body's reactions to foods. Through my prayer time and Bible study, I hope to become so much like Jesus Christ that I get to a point of being able to forgive the people who have hurt me the most.
Let go of pride (the need to control), and the rest is easy.
Jesus said in Matthew 18:3-4 (NIV), "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."
Before I began working on this series, I thought I understood how to get from beginning to end in the journey of forgiveness. God has showed me a better route than the one I had mapped out. The solution to the problems of bitterness, anger, revenge, and hatred lies in one change: humility.
As noted in the above passage, unless we become as humble as little children, we'll never be able to truly forgive. And if we can't forgive, we may wind up outside of God's kingdom forever. That thought keeps me focused on finding a way to forgive, no matter how difficult the journey may get.
Today's Challenge
What do you need to change about yourself in order to forgive? Are you able to let go now so that God can deal with your enemy? Tell God today that you are ready to release the person who hurt you. By giving your enemy to God, you will finally show by your actions that you trust God enough to take care of the outcome.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Embrace Change
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #31
Grow or die.
Change is inevitable. People who are successful know this, and they embrace change. Jack provides two examples of big businesses and their responses to change.
In the early 1900s, Americans were no longer growing up and dying in their hometowns. Many people were moving far from home, and they needed to send flowers to loved ones in other places. A group of florists got together to combine their services with the telegraph system. They founded Florists' Telegraph Delivery, which we know today as FTD. Because those florists embraced change, they thrived.
At the same time, America's railroad system found itself challenged by the auto and airplane industries. However, it saw itself primarily as a transporter of goods, not people. The railroad companies didn't respond to the change as the florists did, and our train system nearly died out. It has never recovered.
When change happens, we can either go along with it or be run over by it. I can remember once asking my 90-year-old grandmother how she had adapted to so much change in her lifetime. We were on a jet, and I remembered stories about the first time she ever rode on a bus. She was nearly 30 years old then, and it was the first time she had ever left her hometown. She shrugged and said, "You just learn to get used to it, I guess." Grandma was the resilient sort, who looked forward to new experiences, even if they were a little frightening.
Become resilent, not resistant.
Many of us who have struggled with PTSD find change extremely difficult. We often develop a condition known as adjustment disorder. This means that we simply cannot adjust to new situations without a lot of interventions.
When we are not safe, change gives us just one more reason to feel that life is slipping out of control. But once we have found safety, it's important to let go of the need to control everything. Otherwise, we simply become rigid people who can't tolerate even the smallest bumps in the road.
If we learn to become resilient, we can bend, like a mighty oak swaying in high winds. When we are resistant, change will break us, just as a high wind might shatter a window.
Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." In other words, to have a relationship with Christ, we must be able to trust him completely, just as a little child would.
In the same way, we must trust God to help us through all of the changes that life throws at us. I think resiliency is synonymous with trust in this instance. Resistant people don't trust that something better lies ahead.
Realize that there are two types of change.
Change comes in one of two forms: cyclical change and structural change. We have no control over either one. Cyclical change occurs several times each year. We see it in the weather, holiday shopping trends, and so on. Most of us adapt to this pretty easily.
Structural change, however, is more difficult to adjust to. It's the type of change that really alters how we do things. Inventions such as the television, telephone, and computer have radically changed the way we live. We must accept these types of structural changes, or they'll do us in.
Learn to adapt to change.
We can all learn to embrace change with one simple exercise. We can look back and list ways that we've adapted to change in the past. We can recognize times when we were at first resistant. When we surrendered to it, though, our lives improved.
I recently went through tremendous change that I thought would crush me. When my daughter left for college, I wasn't sure that I would be able to continue breathing. The first night, I cried for hours. I don't think I've ever seen Joe eyeing me with such concern.
Each day, I just kept getting up and going through the motions. It was difficult, because I had been someone's mommy for nearly thirty years. Without any of my offspring in the house, I felt obsolete.
I knew, though, that I couldn't cry forever. And I couldn't get stuck in that dead zone of wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I decided to get more involved at church, and slowly, my focus began to shift from my children to others.
Today, I can honestly say that being an empty-nester is the best time of life. We have enough money, no one uses up all of the hot water in the morning, food doesn't disappear from the fridge at the speed of light, and we don't lie awake at night waiting for one of the kids to come home. In fact, this phase of my life has become one of the most satisfying. I've successfully launched my kids into the world, and now I get to do the things I've always wanted to.
Today's Challenge
Begin today to look at each new change with excitement and anticipation. To get moving in the right direction, ask yourself these questions from The Success Principles, page 228:
What's changing in my life that I'm currently resisting?
Why am I resisting that change?
What am I afraid of with respect to this change?
What's the cost for keeping things the way they are?
What benefits might there be for me if I cooperate with this change?
What steps must I take to make this change?
When will I take the next step?
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Grow or die.
Change is inevitable. People who are successful know this, and they embrace change. Jack provides two examples of big businesses and their responses to change.
In the early 1900s, Americans were no longer growing up and dying in their hometowns. Many people were moving far from home, and they needed to send flowers to loved ones in other places. A group of florists got together to combine their services with the telegraph system. They founded Florists' Telegraph Delivery, which we know today as FTD. Because those florists embraced change, they thrived.
At the same time, America's railroad system found itself challenged by the auto and airplane industries. However, it saw itself primarily as a transporter of goods, not people. The railroad companies didn't respond to the change as the florists did, and our train system nearly died out. It has never recovered.
When change happens, we can either go along with it or be run over by it. I can remember once asking my 90-year-old grandmother how she had adapted to so much change in her lifetime. We were on a jet, and I remembered stories about the first time she ever rode on a bus. She was nearly 30 years old then, and it was the first time she had ever left her hometown. She shrugged and said, "You just learn to get used to it, I guess." Grandma was the resilient sort, who looked forward to new experiences, even if they were a little frightening.
Become resilent, not resistant.
Many of us who have struggled with PTSD find change extremely difficult. We often develop a condition known as adjustment disorder. This means that we simply cannot adjust to new situations without a lot of interventions.
When we are not safe, change gives us just one more reason to feel that life is slipping out of control. But once we have found safety, it's important to let go of the need to control everything. Otherwise, we simply become rigid people who can't tolerate even the smallest bumps in the road.
If we learn to become resilient, we can bend, like a mighty oak swaying in high winds. When we are resistant, change will break us, just as a high wind might shatter a window.
Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." In other words, to have a relationship with Christ, we must be able to trust him completely, just as a little child would.
In the same way, we must trust God to help us through all of the changes that life throws at us. I think resiliency is synonymous with trust in this instance. Resistant people don't trust that something better lies ahead.
Realize that there are two types of change.
Change comes in one of two forms: cyclical change and structural change. We have no control over either one. Cyclical change occurs several times each year. We see it in the weather, holiday shopping trends, and so on. Most of us adapt to this pretty easily.
Structural change, however, is more difficult to adjust to. It's the type of change that really alters how we do things. Inventions such as the television, telephone, and computer have radically changed the way we live. We must accept these types of structural changes, or they'll do us in.
Learn to adapt to change.
We can all learn to embrace change with one simple exercise. We can look back and list ways that we've adapted to change in the past. We can recognize times when we were at first resistant. When we surrendered to it, though, our lives improved.
I recently went through tremendous change that I thought would crush me. When my daughter left for college, I wasn't sure that I would be able to continue breathing. The first night, I cried for hours. I don't think I've ever seen Joe eyeing me with such concern.
Each day, I just kept getting up and going through the motions. It was difficult, because I had been someone's mommy for nearly thirty years. Without any of my offspring in the house, I felt obsolete.
I knew, though, that I couldn't cry forever. And I couldn't get stuck in that dead zone of wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I decided to get more involved at church, and slowly, my focus began to shift from my children to others.
Today, I can honestly say that being an empty-nester is the best time of life. We have enough money, no one uses up all of the hot water in the morning, food doesn't disappear from the fridge at the speed of light, and we don't lie awake at night waiting for one of the kids to come home. In fact, this phase of my life has become one of the most satisfying. I've successfully launched my kids into the world, and now I get to do the things I've always wanted to.
Today's Challenge
Begin today to look at each new change with excitement and anticipation. To get moving in the right direction, ask yourself these questions from The Success Principles, page 228:
What's changing in my life that I'm currently resisting?
Why am I resisting that change?
What am I afraid of with respect to this change?
What's the cost for keeping things the way they are?
What benefits might there be for me if I cooperate with this change?
What steps must I take to make this change?
When will I take the next step?
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Preparing for Change
Most people agree that change can be difficult. For survivors of incest, abuse, or trauma, change can feel like climbing an icy mountain, wearing smooth-soled shoes. How can we break free from this slippery slope?
Preparing for change can be compared to a hike up a slippery mountainside. I see it as a three-step challenge.
First, when gearing up for change, think about how you might make your way up the icy inclines of a tall mountain. Hopefully, your highest priority would be to find a knowledgable guide. As you consider changing habits, look for someone with plenty of first-hand experience who has proven that he or she has successfully led others to their destination. A qualified psychologist, minister, chaplain, or family counselor who is well-versed in treating survivors of abuse and trauma would be an excellent pick. If you're a victim of incest, be doubly sure to find a guide with plenty of experience and understanding.
Once a reliable guide has been located, a climber's second step would probably center around acquiring protective equipment to ward off the dangers of frost-bite and fatigue. During the change process, trauma and abuse survivors must protect their bodies from stress. Sleeping regularly, eating nutritious foods, and exercising can prepare us for what lies ahead. Knowing when we've had enough and need to temporarily back away from the change is also a critical part of self-care.
Before a climber tackles the highest mountains, he or she first builds up strength on less imposing slopes. Don't try to tackle your biggest challenge first. Start with a small change, and work your way upward. Exercise your emotional muscles with the help of your guide before you tackle tough situations. For instance, if you're trying to stand up for yourself against someone who tends to push you around, start by role-playing in your therapist's office before confronting the bully face-to-face.
What mountains of change have you been trying to climb by yourself? Have you found a guide to help you? Are you practicing good habits of self-care to prepare yourself for the journey? Can you tackle smaller changes first? Think about your most challenging fears that are preventing you from reaching your pinnacle of success. Next time, I'll share some simple techniques to help you reach your goal.
"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you cay say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
(Matthew 17:20-21)
Preparing for change can be compared to a hike up a slippery mountainside. I see it as a three-step challenge.
First, when gearing up for change, think about how you might make your way up the icy inclines of a tall mountain. Hopefully, your highest priority would be to find a knowledgable guide. As you consider changing habits, look for someone with plenty of first-hand experience who has proven that he or she has successfully led others to their destination. A qualified psychologist, minister, chaplain, or family counselor who is well-versed in treating survivors of abuse and trauma would be an excellent pick. If you're a victim of incest, be doubly sure to find a guide with plenty of experience and understanding.
Once a reliable guide has been located, a climber's second step would probably center around acquiring protective equipment to ward off the dangers of frost-bite and fatigue. During the change process, trauma and abuse survivors must protect their bodies from stress. Sleeping regularly, eating nutritious foods, and exercising can prepare us for what lies ahead. Knowing when we've had enough and need to temporarily back away from the change is also a critical part of self-care.
Before a climber tackles the highest mountains, he or she first builds up strength on less imposing slopes. Don't try to tackle your biggest challenge first. Start with a small change, and work your way upward. Exercise your emotional muscles with the help of your guide before you tackle tough situations. For instance, if you're trying to stand up for yourself against someone who tends to push you around, start by role-playing in your therapist's office before confronting the bully face-to-face.
What mountains of change have you been trying to climb by yourself? Have you found a guide to help you? Are you practicing good habits of self-care to prepare yourself for the journey? Can you tackle smaller changes first? Think about your most challenging fears that are preventing you from reaching your pinnacle of success. Next time, I'll share some simple techniques to help you reach your goal.
"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you cay say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
(Matthew 17:20-21)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Change Can Be Difficult
Most people hate change. It means they have to push themselves outside of comfortable routines to learn or do something less comfortable.
Some changes can be made without too much fuss, such as breaking in a new pair of shoes. We miss the old, comfortable footwear that allowed us to shlep along without tripping. However, we're willing to make the change because we look so darned good in the new shoes.
Other changes, unfortunately, are not so easy. Interviewing for a new job, moving to a different house, giving up cigarettes, or trying to lose weight can leave us feeling tense and drained.
At times, the mere thought of change leaves us feeling so paralyzed, that we wind up doing nothing. Even though we know that the change would be helpful, we just can't force ourselves to do it.
For those of us who are survivors of incest, abuse, or some other traumatic event, change can be downright terrifying. We cling to familiar routines, because they help us to feel that we are in control.
There are times when sticking with a routine can stabilize a life that is spiraling out of control. During my first marriage to a man who could turn any ordinary day into a chaotic mess, I made sure that my children and I ate dinner at the same time every night. This simple habit helped all of us to feel that at least one thing in our lives was predictable.
On the flip side, there are routines that we may be clutching to that are not exactly serving their purpose any longer. For example, I used to lock the bathroom door whenever I bent over the sink to wash my face at night. I always felt terrified that someone was going to sneak up on me and hurt me. I know that this habit grew out of a need to feel safe. As a victim of both incest and marital abuse, I always felt a need to watch my back.
Today, I do not need to lock the bathroom door, because my second husband, Joe, is a gentle man who would never dream of hurting me. However, I'm still clinging to an old habit that is pretty ridiculous. Last night, I called Joe as he was driving home to tell him that I was about to get into the shower. I needed to tell him not to startle me in case he came home while I had my head under the water. Before I stepped into the shower, I locked the door.
Are there habits that you're holding on to, because they served a purpose in an unsafe relationship that no longer exists? Share them here, and next time, I'll write about how to re-program the thoughts that keep us returning to outdated behaviors.
Some changes can be made without too much fuss, such as breaking in a new pair of shoes. We miss the old, comfortable footwear that allowed us to shlep along without tripping. However, we're willing to make the change because we look so darned good in the new shoes.
Other changes, unfortunately, are not so easy. Interviewing for a new job, moving to a different house, giving up cigarettes, or trying to lose weight can leave us feeling tense and drained.
At times, the mere thought of change leaves us feeling so paralyzed, that we wind up doing nothing. Even though we know that the change would be helpful, we just can't force ourselves to do it.
For those of us who are survivors of incest, abuse, or some other traumatic event, change can be downright terrifying. We cling to familiar routines, because they help us to feel that we are in control.
There are times when sticking with a routine can stabilize a life that is spiraling out of control. During my first marriage to a man who could turn any ordinary day into a chaotic mess, I made sure that my children and I ate dinner at the same time every night. This simple habit helped all of us to feel that at least one thing in our lives was predictable.
On the flip side, there are routines that we may be clutching to that are not exactly serving their purpose any longer. For example, I used to lock the bathroom door whenever I bent over the sink to wash my face at night. I always felt terrified that someone was going to sneak up on me and hurt me. I know that this habit grew out of a need to feel safe. As a victim of both incest and marital abuse, I always felt a need to watch my back.
Today, I do not need to lock the bathroom door, because my second husband, Joe, is a gentle man who would never dream of hurting me. However, I'm still clinging to an old habit that is pretty ridiculous. Last night, I called Joe as he was driving home to tell him that I was about to get into the shower. I needed to tell him not to startle me in case he came home while I had my head under the water. Before I stepped into the shower, I locked the door.
Are there habits that you're holding on to, because they served a purpose in an unsafe relationship that no longer exists? Share them here, and next time, I'll write about how to re-program the thoughts that keep us returning to outdated behaviors.
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