Change Can Be Difficult

Most people hate change. It means they have to push themselves outside of comfortable routines to learn or do something less comfortable.

Some changes can be made without too much fuss, such as breaking in a new pair of shoes. We miss the old, comfortable footwear that allowed us to shlep along without tripping. However, we're willing to make the change because we look so darned good in the new shoes.

Other changes, unfortunately, are not so easy. Interviewing for a new job, moving to a different house, giving up cigarettes, or trying to lose weight can leave us feeling tense and drained.

At times, the mere thought of change leaves us feeling so paralyzed, that we wind up doing nothing. Even though we know that the change would be helpful, we just can't force ourselves to do it.

For those of us who are survivors of incest, abuse, or some other traumatic event, change can be downright terrifying. We cling to familiar routines, because they help us to feel that we are in control.

There are times when sticking with a routine can stabilize a life that is spiraling out of control. During my first marriage to a man who could turn any ordinary day into a chaotic mess, I made sure that my children and I ate dinner at the same time every night. This simple habit helped all of us to feel that at least one thing in our lives was predictable.

On the flip side, there are routines that we may be clutching to that are not exactly serving their purpose any longer. For example, I used to lock the bathroom door whenever I bent over the sink to wash my face at night. I always felt terrified that someone was going to sneak up on me and hurt me. I know that this habit grew out of a need to feel safe. As a victim of both incest and marital abuse, I always felt a need to watch my back.

Today, I do not need to lock the bathroom door, because my second husband, Joe, is a gentle man who would never dream of hurting me. However, I'm still clinging to an old habit that is pretty ridiculous. Last night, I called Joe as he was driving home to tell him that I was about to get into the shower. I needed to tell him not to startle me in case he came home while I had my head under the water. Before I stepped into the shower, I locked the door.

Are there habits that you're holding on to, because they served a purpose in an unsafe relationship that no longer exists? Share them here, and next time, I'll write about how to re-program the thoughts that keep us returning to outdated behaviors.