Yesterday, we learned that unforgiveness can lead to depression. When we harbor negative thoughts toward our perpetrators or ourselves, we create a 'leak' in our brain's serotonin supply--the feel-good chemical that helps us to feel happy. Today, we learn about what forgiveness is and what it is not.
Forgiveness is...
Many victims of abuse withhold forgiveness, because they fear that letting go of their anger will cause the abuse to return. If we want to get better, we must realize that trying to forgive allows us:
-to let go of our old hurts,
-to make the decision to move forward,
-to release the negative emotions directed at our perpetrator, and
-to take back our personal power.
Forgiveness is not...
When victims realize that fogiveness does not require the following, they begin to loosen their grip on their bitterness. Forgiveness is not:
-condoning what happened,
-inviting our perpetrator back into our life,
-being friendly with our perpetrator,
-forgetting what happened, or
-ignoring the hurt and hoping it goes away.
We can do the impossible with God's help.
I understand that telling a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to just let go of the hurt may seem simplistic. Making the decision to move forward may feel impossible or overwhelming. Reclaiming any level of personal power may seem laughable.
Remember Ephesians 4:13 (NIV) when you feel that you will be stuck with depression for the rest of your life: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. We may not have the power to change how we feel about our perpetrator. But God can use his power to work incredible changes within us.
Begin with prayer.
At this point, we must begin with prayer. Your prayer might go something like this:
God, help me to let go of my need to control this situation with my abuser. I feel angry and guilty all at the same time. I don't know how to forgive him, but I'm asking you to help me take the first step. I want to move forward with my life and reclaim the personal power that he took from me. I trust you to help me through this. Amen.
Looking ahead.
Beginning Monday, we will work through ten steps for arriving at complete forgiveness. For now, all you have to do is be willing to try this process of forgiving.
Today's Challenge
Review the nine roadblocks to forgiveness that we have identified over the past few weeks: anger, fear, lack of trust, low self-esteem, guilt, revenge, pride, hatred, and depression. If you're stuck behind one of them, ask a counselor or trusted friend to help you move forward.
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Cheryl- the article says: Forgiveness is not...
ReplyDeleteWhen victims realize that fogiveness does not require the following, they begin to loosen their grip on their bitterness. Forgiveness is not:
-condoning what happened,
-inviting our perpetrator back into our life,
-being friendly with our perpetrator,
-forgetting what happened, or
-ignoring the hurt and hoping it goes away.
What am I to do when this person is a family member and I am forced to interact with them? I have been really hurt by my fiancée's family and I know at some point I will have to interact with them as they are my fiancée's family. How do I do this? I have no interest in reconciliation with them or being friendly with them. I have been prayerfully seeking guidance in this area but I am very conflicted. I don't know what to do or how to handle this.
Families can be allowed to hurt us if we are not careful about our boundaries. God's Word tells us that when two people marry, they become one. A man is commanded to leave his father and mother to become his wife's greatest advocate. If your intended's family is hurting you, it is imperative that you sort this out before marriage. I would recommend you work with a pastor or Christian counselor, using Dennis Rainey's book, Preparing for Marriage.
DeleteThere are three ways to handle this problem. First, if your fiance (I am going to assume you are a woman) is allowing his family to hurt you, he is not protecting you. Until the two of you agree that he must stand up to his family to stop the mistreatment, you must not move forward with your wedding plans. If he continues to side with his family after counseling, it would be best for you to break off the engagement.
If he has already told his family to treat you nicely and they refuse, you could choose to ask him to visit them without you. This choice gives him freedom to maintain family relationships while protecting you. It shows him that you have a distinct boundary of emotional and spiritual safety no one may cross.
I believe the third and most loving decision of all would be for your fiance to tell his family that the two of you will not be continuing the relationship until they learn to respect his choice of mate and you. When they realize they will lose him if they don't change, perhaps they will seek the help they need. Odds are, they won't. You and your fiance will have to wait and see what happens. It may be difficult for him to let go of his family, but he may begin to see the dysfunction that must be addressed.
The bottom line is, no one is FORCING you to interact with anyone. You make that choice every time you ALLOW yourself to be put into this position. Feeling very conflicted is often the Holy Spirit telling you that you are in an unhealthy relationship with a person who comes from a dysfunctional family that may never change.
Please do not move forward in your decision to marry until you have worked out this problem. Once married, you will spend the rest of your life dealing with the baggage your fiance will undoubtedly bring into your relationship.
No matter what happens, please do not allow yourself to be pulled into dysfunctional relationships by your future husband, or anyone else. Stand strong on your own two feet and make it clear that you do not tolerate the mistreatment you have already experienced.
I pray God will open your eyes and show you how to deal with this. Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts. Please let me know how this works out.