As abuse and trauma survivors, we frequently find ourselves living in two different worlds. While we go about our daily lives, our minds unexpectedly take us back to the moment of trauma. I used to feel as if I were losing my mind, but now I know that this double life is often the norm for people with PTSD.
I experience this dual existence every day. It usually occurs when I'm doing something mindless, such as laundry or dishes. The triggers that send me back to thoughts of the past come in many forms...a song on the radio, the peach I'm peeling, a phone call from a family member, an old photograph, or anything else that reminds me of past trauma.
Even a pleasant memory can trigger feelings of depression and helplessness. Joe and I were listening to big band on the radio this morning. The words reminded me of a phrase my former mother-in-law used to say. She was very kind to me, and I loved her very much. But thoughts of her inevitably led me to memories of my ex-husband. In an instant, I was reliving the overwhelming sense of helplessness that occurs in abusive relationships.
I experienced significant, ongoing abuse for the first 40 years of my life. For me, triggers are everywhere. I can't avoid them, but I can manage them. When I come back to my present life from those intrusive memories, I have to remind myself that I am safe now. It's important for me to keep my mind engaged in the present with activities that require concentration.
Spending too much time alone with nothing to do is not good for me. Solitude and boredom are fertile ground where triggers grow out of proportion. Staying involved in projects and focusing on the blessings God has given me are helpful methods for rooting myself in my present reality.
Are you living a double life? If memories are intruding and causing problems with daily activities and relationships, consider talking with a qualified therapist who can help you manage the pain of your past.
Showing posts with label flashbacks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label flashbacks. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Are You Suffering From PTSD?
We continue this week with my series, Confident in God's Hands. The purpose of this journey is to help readers identify why they lack self-esteem, and then to equip them to grow more confident. Last week, we took a look at anxiety and considered how extreme fears may be robbing us of the joy we would like to experience. Today, I would like to address the signs and symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
What causes PTSD?
Any trauma can cause a person to develop PTSD, but not everyone ends up with this disorder. Childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, auto accidents, natural disasters, and war can all trigger PTSD. The illness can be accompanied by depression, substance abuse, or anxiety disorders.
When do symptoms of PTSD begin?
The symptoms of PTSD usually begin within three months of the trauma. However, some people don't exhibit them until years later. Sometimes PTSD is misdiagnosed as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), generalized anxiety disorder, or depression.
I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until I was in my late thirties, nearly three decades after the first traumatic event occurred. At first, I was misdiagnosed with ADHD and depression. It wasn't until several years later that a psychologist well-versed in diagnosing PTSD figured it out.
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
In order to be diagnosed with PTSD, a group of some of the following symptoms must be present for at least one month. They include:
-exaggerated startle response
-loss of interest in usual activities
-trouble feeling affectionate
-irritability
-aggression
-violent outbursts
-flashbacks (reliving the trauma during the day)
-nightmares (dreaming about the trauma whenever sleeping)
-feeling emotionally numb, particularly with people who were once close
-avoiding situations which are similar to the trauma
-struggling with the anniversary of the trauma
My experiences with PTSD
If you interrupt me while I'm engrossed in something, you can clearly see what an exaggerated startle response looks like. Joe knows better than to sneak up behind me and tickle me. If he does inadvertently startle me, my heart pounds, my hands shake, and I feel as if I'm about to faint or throw up. For several hours afterward, I feel completely wiped out.
I have frequent flashbacks during the day, particularly if I'm doing something mindless, such as driving or washing dishes. Something inconsequential, such as the scent of the dish liquid, can trigger a flashback. My mind replays the traumatic event, and eventually I come back to present day with a sense that I've lost a chunk of time.
At night, my mind works overtime to warn me of dangers which are no longer present. I dream about the people who traumatized me in situations where I felt little or no control. Generally, I wake up feeling very helpless and depressed, and I have to remind myself that the dreams are not real.
What is the outlook for people with PTSD?
The course of PTSD varies. Some people recover within six months, while others have symptoms that last much longer. In some people, the condition becomes chronic.
Receiving a diagnosis of PTSD isn't all bad. For me, it was a relief to understand that there was an underlying cause to the exaggerated startle response, depression, chronic flashbacks, and nightmares. Knowing what the problem was gave me the opportunity to work at getting better. Medication combined with extensive psychotherapy helped considerably.
I am much better today than I was ten years ago. And I anticipate that I will continue to improve with time. I believe the outlook is quite promising, provided we get appropriate treatment.
Today's Challenge
Are you suffering from exaggerated startle responses, loss of interest in your usual activities, trouble feeling affectionate, irritability, aggression, violent outbursts, flashbacks, or nightmares? Do you feel emotionally numb? Are you avoiding situations that remind you of a traumatic incident? Is the anniversary of the trauma still bothering you? If you answered yes to a number of these questions, you may want to consider seeking the help of a professional counselor. There is hope for recovery from PTSD, but it is important to get some support for it.
All things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27 NIV)
What causes PTSD?
Any trauma can cause a person to develop PTSD, but not everyone ends up with this disorder. Childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, auto accidents, natural disasters, and war can all trigger PTSD. The illness can be accompanied by depression, substance abuse, or anxiety disorders.
When do symptoms of PTSD begin?
The symptoms of PTSD usually begin within three months of the trauma. However, some people don't exhibit them until years later. Sometimes PTSD is misdiagnosed as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), generalized anxiety disorder, or depression.
I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until I was in my late thirties, nearly three decades after the first traumatic event occurred. At first, I was misdiagnosed with ADHD and depression. It wasn't until several years later that a psychologist well-versed in diagnosing PTSD figured it out.
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
In order to be diagnosed with PTSD, a group of some of the following symptoms must be present for at least one month. They include:
-exaggerated startle response
-loss of interest in usual activities
-trouble feeling affectionate
-irritability
-aggression
-violent outbursts
-flashbacks (reliving the trauma during the day)
-nightmares (dreaming about the trauma whenever sleeping)
-feeling emotionally numb, particularly with people who were once close
-avoiding situations which are similar to the trauma
-struggling with the anniversary of the trauma
My experiences with PTSD
If you interrupt me while I'm engrossed in something, you can clearly see what an exaggerated startle response looks like. Joe knows better than to sneak up behind me and tickle me. If he does inadvertently startle me, my heart pounds, my hands shake, and I feel as if I'm about to faint or throw up. For several hours afterward, I feel completely wiped out.
I have frequent flashbacks during the day, particularly if I'm doing something mindless, such as driving or washing dishes. Something inconsequential, such as the scent of the dish liquid, can trigger a flashback. My mind replays the traumatic event, and eventually I come back to present day with a sense that I've lost a chunk of time.
At night, my mind works overtime to warn me of dangers which are no longer present. I dream about the people who traumatized me in situations where I felt little or no control. Generally, I wake up feeling very helpless and depressed, and I have to remind myself that the dreams are not real.
What is the outlook for people with PTSD?
The course of PTSD varies. Some people recover within six months, while others have symptoms that last much longer. In some people, the condition becomes chronic.
Receiving a diagnosis of PTSD isn't all bad. For me, it was a relief to understand that there was an underlying cause to the exaggerated startle response, depression, chronic flashbacks, and nightmares. Knowing what the problem was gave me the opportunity to work at getting better. Medication combined with extensive psychotherapy helped considerably.
I am much better today than I was ten years ago. And I anticipate that I will continue to improve with time. I believe the outlook is quite promising, provided we get appropriate treatment.
Today's Challenge
Are you suffering from exaggerated startle responses, loss of interest in your usual activities, trouble feeling affectionate, irritability, aggression, violent outbursts, flashbacks, or nightmares? Do you feel emotionally numb? Are you avoiding situations that remind you of a traumatic incident? Is the anniversary of the trauma still bothering you? If you answered yes to a number of these questions, you may want to consider seeking the help of a professional counselor. There is hope for recovery from PTSD, but it is important to get some support for it.
All things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27 NIV)
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Georgia on My Mind
Yesterday, Joe carted home an old record player from a garage sale. My sweet husband knows how much I have missed playing my old albums since our turntable quit spinning after a recent move. With eager anticipation, I selected Willie Nelson's Stardust album.
As Willie thrummed his guitar and sang "Just an old sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind," I lay back on my bed and closed my eyes. I remembered the night my uncle gave me Willie's album. It was my 19th birthday, and I had gone home from college for the weekend. My uncle's gift touched me, because he had never given me a birthday gift before. This was the kind of present that came as a complete surprise.
Music has always been my native language. It can move me in a way that words cannot. Unfortunately, music can also serve as a trigger for me. A trigger can be anything that takes us away from the present and back to our moment of trauma. When a trigger causes us to lose our perception of what is currently going on around us and makes us feel as if we are re-living a moment in the past, we are experiencing a flashback.
Triggers can be smells that remind us of the place where we were abused, or of our perpetrator's scent. The smell of freshly-cut hay takes one survivor back to a moment when she was raped in a barn. Another woman whose perpetrator smoked cigars remembers her childhood molestation whenever her neighbor walks past her house today with a cigar in hand.
For some survivors, visual images bring back the moment. The sight of men's hands used to send me into a panic that I couldn't understand.
For others, the trigger involves touch, such as a caress or a kiss. This can become problematic in current relationships, where loving touches from our partners evoke confusing fears. Even the sense of taste can catapult us backward in time.
Triggers can come from sounds in the environment during our moment of trauma. Last night, when Willie's voice gave way to his distinctive, twangy harmonica, I suddenly found myself back in my parents' house during that summer when I was 19. I was instantly experiencing the moment when my father approached me for the last time. He came to my bed one summer morning, where I lay sleeping under a sheet without a stitch on, because it was miserably hot outside. I awoke to find my father leaning over me. Alarms began going off in my head as I realized I had abandoned my pajamas in the night. Dad told me it was time to get up, and I told him I would when he left the room. With a devilish smile, he urged me to push back the covers while he watched. I clung tightly to the sheets and insisted that he leave.
After Dad walked out, I got up and dressed for breakfast. In the kitchen, I found my father sitting at the table with my mother, acting as if nothing unusual had occurred just moments before. An unbearably heavy sense of depression settled on me like a damp, moldy blanket. I was not safe in my own home. My father was a sexual predator, and my mother was oblivious to the fact that I was his prey. After choking down my breakfast, I went back to my room and locked the door. The stereo was my source of comfort, where Willie sang many tunes, including Georgia on My Mind.
The click of the record player shutting off drew me back to the present, where I found myself lying on my bed. I sat up, and that odious depression clung to me. Remembering the cognitive restructuring skills I had recently learned, I told myself that the depression belonged to the past, not the present. If I kept that in mind, I could listen to Willie and appreciate his talents in playing both the harmonica and the guitar. Just because my father chose to do something evil does not make Willie Nelson a partner in that crime. Instead of dwelling on the sadness that my father brought into my world, I can remember the tender moment when my uncle expressed love in an appropriate way with the gift of music to a teen who needed some reassurance.
I always find comfort in God's Word, and he frequently leads me to passages that speak to my pain. Psalm 77:4-6 reads, "You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night..." God is telling me that during those moments when Willie's old, sweet songs spoke to my troubled heart, my Savior was there with me, aching for me. He is with me today as I fight to free myself from the ugly memories of my past.
What are your triggers? If you are struggling with images, sounds, tastes, smells, or sensations that keep dragging you into the past, ask God to help you replace those old memories with beautiful new ones. As members of a church family where we are dearly loved, this task is much easier to do than if we remain isolated. I pray that, with God's love and his Word, you will find a way to replace those painful thoughts with comforting ones.
As Willie thrummed his guitar and sang "Just an old sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind," I lay back on my bed and closed my eyes. I remembered the night my uncle gave me Willie's album. It was my 19th birthday, and I had gone home from college for the weekend. My uncle's gift touched me, because he had never given me a birthday gift before. This was the kind of present that came as a complete surprise.
Music has always been my native language. It can move me in a way that words cannot. Unfortunately, music can also serve as a trigger for me. A trigger can be anything that takes us away from the present and back to our moment of trauma. When a trigger causes us to lose our perception of what is currently going on around us and makes us feel as if we are re-living a moment in the past, we are experiencing a flashback.
Triggers can be smells that remind us of the place where we were abused, or of our perpetrator's scent. The smell of freshly-cut hay takes one survivor back to a moment when she was raped in a barn. Another woman whose perpetrator smoked cigars remembers her childhood molestation whenever her neighbor walks past her house today with a cigar in hand.
For some survivors, visual images bring back the moment. The sight of men's hands used to send me into a panic that I couldn't understand.
For others, the trigger involves touch, such as a caress or a kiss. This can become problematic in current relationships, where loving touches from our partners evoke confusing fears. Even the sense of taste can catapult us backward in time.
Triggers can come from sounds in the environment during our moment of trauma. Last night, when Willie's voice gave way to his distinctive, twangy harmonica, I suddenly found myself back in my parents' house during that summer when I was 19. I was instantly experiencing the moment when my father approached me for the last time. He came to my bed one summer morning, where I lay sleeping under a sheet without a stitch on, because it was miserably hot outside. I awoke to find my father leaning over me. Alarms began going off in my head as I realized I had abandoned my pajamas in the night. Dad told me it was time to get up, and I told him I would when he left the room. With a devilish smile, he urged me to push back the covers while he watched. I clung tightly to the sheets and insisted that he leave.
After Dad walked out, I got up and dressed for breakfast. In the kitchen, I found my father sitting at the table with my mother, acting as if nothing unusual had occurred just moments before. An unbearably heavy sense of depression settled on me like a damp, moldy blanket. I was not safe in my own home. My father was a sexual predator, and my mother was oblivious to the fact that I was his prey. After choking down my breakfast, I went back to my room and locked the door. The stereo was my source of comfort, where Willie sang many tunes, including Georgia on My Mind.
The click of the record player shutting off drew me back to the present, where I found myself lying on my bed. I sat up, and that odious depression clung to me. Remembering the cognitive restructuring skills I had recently learned, I told myself that the depression belonged to the past, not the present. If I kept that in mind, I could listen to Willie and appreciate his talents in playing both the harmonica and the guitar. Just because my father chose to do something evil does not make Willie Nelson a partner in that crime. Instead of dwelling on the sadness that my father brought into my world, I can remember the tender moment when my uncle expressed love in an appropriate way with the gift of music to a teen who needed some reassurance.
I always find comfort in God's Word, and he frequently leads me to passages that speak to my pain. Psalm 77:4-6 reads, "You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night..." God is telling me that during those moments when Willie's old, sweet songs spoke to my troubled heart, my Savior was there with me, aching for me. He is with me today as I fight to free myself from the ugly memories of my past.
What are your triggers? If you are struggling with images, sounds, tastes, smells, or sensations that keep dragging you into the past, ask God to help you replace those old memories with beautiful new ones. As members of a church family where we are dearly loved, this task is much easier to do than if we remain isolated. I pray that, with God's love and his Word, you will find a way to replace those painful thoughts with comforting ones.
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