Beware of Confidence Robbers in Sheep's Clothing

We have been learning about how to gain greater confidence during my series, Confident in God's Hands. I would like to help you identify confidence robbers, figure out how to minimize their impact on your life, and learn to restore what they've stolen.

Abusers are everywhere, even in church.
There are abusers in every corner of our world. Sadly, quite a few of them can actually be found in churches. They may be in positions of leadership or authority, serving as elders, deacons, or high-profile volunteers.

It can be hard for us to identify these church-going bullies, because they don't allow everyone to see their ugly side. But it's easy for them to target us. We're often still very vulnerable, compliant people-pleasers after having been abused for so many years. These bullies find us, because we tend to be incredibly polite, soft-spoken members of our faith community.

If we have wronged someone without realizing it, they have a right to voice their concerns. We should strive to make amends quickly so that we don't create divisions between believers. But when a verbally abusive person bashes us into the ground over every single failing that they perceive about us, they cross the line. They are no longer offering us helpful feedback about one issue. They aren't looking for ways to get along with us. They're usually trying to control our minds, our hearts, and our lives.

A very difficult woman from our former church once invited herself to our house under the guise of praying for me and our unborn baby. Within two minutes of arriving, she began telling me all about why my husband was unfit as the minister, how I was a failure as a church leader, and how she would run the church if she could.

We all understand that people like this are a little screwy, but they still seem to push our buttons. When they leave, we find ourselves in a blubbering heap on the sofa, uncertain of everything about ourselves all over again.

Abusers disguised as sheep can destroy our confidence.
An emotional abuser can dump so much criticism on us within seconds that we may feel devastated. Their timing is usually very carefully planned, heaping insults and negativity on us when we least expect it, and in a place where they know we will most likely not stand up for ourselves.

My standard response to a person who emotionally abuses me at church is to just stand there and take it. Even when verbal abusers say completely unkind things to me, I often find myself assuring them that I will take whatever they have to say, weigh it, and learn whatever I can from their input.

Afterward, I find myself wishing I had stood up to them, told them that they were out of line, and reminded them that everybody dislikes being bullied. Instead, I usually scurry away from them, desperately trying not to burst into tears. Emotional abusers can shame me so badly that I wish the floor would open up and swallow me. I can become so upset by their verbal bashing that I can't handle my responsiblities at work or at home.

If we think about the situation long enough, we may realize that a confidence robber has been criticizing us like this at every opportunity for years. They may snicker about our spouse's faults or our children's shortcomings behind their backs. They remind us at every turn that we don't know what we're doing. Many of their unkind remarks are either muttered under their breath or veiled in sarcasm.

Learn to identify confidence robbers.
Confidence robbers in sheep's clothing are difficult to recognize, but if we become more aware of their tactics and how they make us feel, we can figure out how to identify them a little sooner.

We need to think about how we feel when we encounter someone who is constantly negative, critical, or sarcastic. If we are feeling confident, and a conversation with someone like this makes our chin quiver, our eyes mist over, and our heart pound, they're probably emotional abusers. If we feel shamed by the things they're telling us about ourselves, we must realize that they're attacking our character, not just a single fault.

It's important to become particularly wary around people who smile a lot at us and seem unusually friendly. If they're the type of person whom no one else in our community group can get along with, we must question why they're singling us out in the crowd. We don't have to become paranoid that every smiling person is an abuser, but we do need to tune into what our spirits may be telling us about certain people.

Limit your exposure to confidence robbers.
If we've been abused as children, we've probably learned that limiting the amount of time we spend with our parents is best. If we've withstood domestic violence within a marriage, we've hopefully learned that we can function better away from that destructive relationship.

Unfortunately, many of us fail to recognize that we must also limit the amount of time we spend with emotional abusers in our community of faith. We can be polite with these confidence robbers, but we certainly should not be inviting them into our homes or visiting theirs. If we find ourselves in a volunteer situation alongside them, we have to find creative ways to insulate ourselves from their assaults.

Our confidence may already have hit rock-bottom after coming out of abusive situations. We don't need people like this to make us feel any more depressed or worthless than our abusers already have.

Restore confidence quickly.
If we do encounter a confidence robber, it's imperative for us to restore our self-esteem as quickly as possible. We must immediately remove ourselves from the situation the minute we realize what they're doing. We can excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom, make a phone call, or meet with someone else.

If they've made us angry, we can take a long walk, go for a run, beat up our bed with our pillow, or dig in the garden until the rage dissipates.

After we've calmed down, we must take inventory of all the things that we do well. If we haven't created a victory journal, as Jack Canfield suggests, it's time to start one. This is an account in a notebook of everything we have done well throughout our lives.

Ephesians 6:11 (NIV) reminds us, Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. When we take time to read the Bible daily and understand that obeying God's Word can equip us to deal with abusers, we become more courageous when confronted by confidence robbers.

Abusive people will eventually find it difficult to knock us down with their criticism and thinly veiled insults laced with sarcasm. If we review the Bible and our victory journals regularly, a confidence robber won't be able to put much of a dent in our armor.

How not to react to confidence robbers.
Whatever we do, we must not allow confidence robbers to steal away all of our self-esteem. Burrowing back into our beds, keeping the blinds closed, and giving up on life is not the answer. Changing our habits to do what they think is best for us is really the wrong tactic to take.

Trying to set people like this straight is a waste of time, too. Confronting them will usually bring on more insults.

The Bible reminds us of the importance of getting along with fellow believers. Unfortunately, a lot of ministers advise victims to confront abusive people. Church leaders frequently believe the myth that all Christian believers are required to apologize, forgive, and reconcile with their abusers. I heartily disagree with this generic practice of forgiveness when dealing with abusive people of any stripe.

Confidence robbers may state that they're believers. They may even hold powerful positions within the church. But, like the Pharisees of Jesus' day, their mouths are open graves. Romans 3:13 (NIV) reads, “Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.”

So, when we run into confidence robbers, it's best to just get away quickly, restore our confidence as soon as possible, and avoid close encounters with them in the future. As far as forgiveness is concerned, we can ask God to help us release abusive people into his care and to let go of any anger we may harbor toward them.

Today's Challenge
Who is a confidence robber in your community of faith? Learn to recognize emotional abusers in sheep's clothing, and then limit the amount of time you spend with them. Build up your confidence after an encounter with them with a life review of accomplishments, read about God's love for you, or find an encouraging friend who can remind you that you are wonderful and special.

Keep Your Agreements

Jack Canfield's Success Principle #54

When I was growing up, men shook hands after making an agreement. Their word was their bond. Over time, contracts replaced hand shaking, because no one seemed to be able to keep their word.

You can imagine my surprise when we moved to the country last year and discovered that people still keep agreements based only on handshakes. I have made handshake deals with contractors to repair my house, with farmers to buy their beef cattle, and with a man buying a piece of property from us.

I believe that individuals living in small communities tend to keep their promises more readily than those living in large cities. It's easy to disappear into a crowd and never keep a commitment if someone can't find us. Living in a small town makes it awfully difficult to hide from someone we've made a promise to. Our reputations are more readily tarnished in a small community where everyone knows everybody else.

Why don't people keep their agreements?
People frequently make agreements, knowing that they'll break them before agreeing to them. I once overheard a bride saying to her father on the way down the aisle, "If it doesn't work out, I'll divorce him." Within six months, the couple had gone their separate ways.

Why do people break their commitments? They don't want to feel uncomfortable questioning the terms of an agreement. They don't want to be the focus of negative attention. They prefer to avoid confrontation of any kind. Survivors of abuse often break commitments, because they fear retribution for not going along with whatever others tell them to do.

Calculate the costs of breaking agreements.
When we don't keep our agreements, we pay both external and internal costs. Externally, we lose trust, respect, and credibility with others. This includes our family, our friends, our co-workers, and our customers. After a few incidents of breaking our promises, people stop trusting us. We lose authority with them. In time, our relationships deterioriate.

Internally, the costs of breaking promises are even higher. Each time we make an agreement with someone, our brain hears it and registers it as a commitment. When we don't follow through, we begin to distrust ourselves. We lose self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect. We lose faith in our ability to produce a result.

Follow Jack's tips for making and keeping agreements.
I believe the following suggestions may prove helpful to us in limiting the number of commitments we make and keeping the ones we agree to.

1) Make only agreements that you intend to keep.
We must be very careful about entering into agreements without taking time to think and pray about them. If we check in with our gut feelings, God will give us a sense about whether or not an agreement is right for us.

I meet many women who are in marriages with the wrong men, because they didn't stop to take the time and think about the obvious red flags in these men's actions. They marry abusers, knowing that the men are exhibiting symptoms of violent behavior. Women who were abused as children suffer from such low self-esteem that they place themselves in abusive marriages to unwittingly perpetuate further abuse.

Keeping a commitment with an abuser can make a woman's life miserable and is inadvisable. And breaking a vow to a violent man can be difficult, not to mention life-threatening.

As survivors of abuse, we must move slowly whenever we are asked to agree to something. Our fear of rejection frequently causes us to say yes to things that are not in our best interest. When our hearts tell us to say no, we need to be true to ourselves and decline such commitments.

2) Write down all the agreements you make.
In a calendar, journal, notebook, or computer program, we can record all of our agreements. By doing so, we remind ourselves to stick with them. In addition, we prevent ourselves from over-committing our time and setting ourselves up for failure.

3) Communicate any broken agreement at the first opportunity.
If a snowstorm prevents us from getting the car out of the drive, or our child is sick, or our computer crashes; we must notify others as soon as possible that we can't keep our commitments. By doing this, we demonstrate our respect for others' time. We can then reschedule and limit any potential damage.

4) Learn to say no more often.
We need to take plenty of time to think over our commitments before we make them. Jack writes the word no in yellow highlighter on all of his calendar pages to remind himself of what he may be giving up by saying yes to something new. I love this practice, because we often forget what the costs will be if we can't keep our promises.

Up the ante.
Jack claims that if we really want to make sure that we keep a commitment, we can set up a consequence that is far greater than the payoff. Martin Rutte, a Jew, promised to write a $1,000 check to the Ku Klux Klan if he failed to learn to dive by a certain date. Having to write that check to an organization he despised would have been far more painful than overcoming his fear of diving. In spite of the challenges, Martin learned to dive.

Follow Biblical principles to keep commitments.
I prefer to follow God's principles for keeping our promises. Jesus spoke to a crowd about keeping oaths in Matthew 5:33-37 (NIV), and I prefer it to Jack's advice for upping the ante: Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

Today's Challenge
Write out a list of all the commitments you have made. Put a checkmark in front of the ones you are keeping with ease. Highlight the ones that you need to re-negotiate. Take care of those today. Then write no with a highlighter on every day of your calendar to remind yourself to think twice about saying yes to new commitments you may not be able to keep.

Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com