Beware of Confidence Robbers in Sheep's Clothing

We have been learning about how to gain greater confidence during my series, Confident in God's Hands. I would like to help you identify confidence robbers, figure out how to minimize their impact on your life, and learn to restore what they've stolen.

Abusers are everywhere, even in church.
There are abusers in every corner of our world. Sadly, quite a few of them can actually be found in churches. They may be in positions of leadership or authority, serving as elders, deacons, or high-profile volunteers.

It can be hard for us to identify these church-going bullies, because they don't allow everyone to see their ugly side. But it's easy for them to target us. We're often still very vulnerable, compliant people-pleasers after having been abused for so many years. These bullies find us, because we tend to be incredibly polite, soft-spoken members of our faith community.

If we have wronged someone without realizing it, they have a right to voice their concerns. We should strive to make amends quickly so that we don't create divisions between believers. But when a verbally abusive person bashes us into the ground over every single failing that they perceive about us, they cross the line. They are no longer offering us helpful feedback about one issue. They aren't looking for ways to get along with us. They're usually trying to control our minds, our hearts, and our lives.

A very difficult woman from our former church once invited herself to our house under the guise of praying for me and our unborn baby. Within two minutes of arriving, she began telling me all about why my husband was unfit as the minister, how I was a failure as a church leader, and how she would run the church if she could.

We all understand that people like this are a little screwy, but they still seem to push our buttons. When they leave, we find ourselves in a blubbering heap on the sofa, uncertain of everything about ourselves all over again.

Abusers disguised as sheep can destroy our confidence.
An emotional abuser can dump so much criticism on us within seconds that we may feel devastated. Their timing is usually very carefully planned, heaping insults and negativity on us when we least expect it, and in a place where they know we will most likely not stand up for ourselves.

My standard response to a person who emotionally abuses me at church is to just stand there and take it. Even when verbal abusers say completely unkind things to me, I often find myself assuring them that I will take whatever they have to say, weigh it, and learn whatever I can from their input.

Afterward, I find myself wishing I had stood up to them, told them that they were out of line, and reminded them that everybody dislikes being bullied. Instead, I usually scurry away from them, desperately trying not to burst into tears. Emotional abusers can shame me so badly that I wish the floor would open up and swallow me. I can become so upset by their verbal bashing that I can't handle my responsiblities at work or at home.

If we think about the situation long enough, we may realize that a confidence robber has been criticizing us like this at every opportunity for years. They may snicker about our spouse's faults or our children's shortcomings behind their backs. They remind us at every turn that we don't know what we're doing. Many of their unkind remarks are either muttered under their breath or veiled in sarcasm.

Learn to identify confidence robbers.
Confidence robbers in sheep's clothing are difficult to recognize, but if we become more aware of their tactics and how they make us feel, we can figure out how to identify them a little sooner.

We need to think about how we feel when we encounter someone who is constantly negative, critical, or sarcastic. If we are feeling confident, and a conversation with someone like this makes our chin quiver, our eyes mist over, and our heart pound, they're probably emotional abusers. If we feel shamed by the things they're telling us about ourselves, we must realize that they're attacking our character, not just a single fault.

It's important to become particularly wary around people who smile a lot at us and seem unusually friendly. If they're the type of person whom no one else in our community group can get along with, we must question why they're singling us out in the crowd. We don't have to become paranoid that every smiling person is an abuser, but we do need to tune into what our spirits may be telling us about certain people.

Limit your exposure to confidence robbers.
If we've been abused as children, we've probably learned that limiting the amount of time we spend with our parents is best. If we've withstood domestic violence within a marriage, we've hopefully learned that we can function better away from that destructive relationship.

Unfortunately, many of us fail to recognize that we must also limit the amount of time we spend with emotional abusers in our community of faith. We can be polite with these confidence robbers, but we certainly should not be inviting them into our homes or visiting theirs. If we find ourselves in a volunteer situation alongside them, we have to find creative ways to insulate ourselves from their assaults.

Our confidence may already have hit rock-bottom after coming out of abusive situations. We don't need people like this to make us feel any more depressed or worthless than our abusers already have.

Restore confidence quickly.
If we do encounter a confidence robber, it's imperative for us to restore our self-esteem as quickly as possible. We must immediately remove ourselves from the situation the minute we realize what they're doing. We can excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom, make a phone call, or meet with someone else.

If they've made us angry, we can take a long walk, go for a run, beat up our bed with our pillow, or dig in the garden until the rage dissipates.

After we've calmed down, we must take inventory of all the things that we do well. If we haven't created a victory journal, as Jack Canfield suggests, it's time to start one. This is an account in a notebook of everything we have done well throughout our lives.

Ephesians 6:11 (NIV) reminds us, Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. When we take time to read the Bible daily and understand that obeying God's Word can equip us to deal with abusers, we become more courageous when confronted by confidence robbers.

Abusive people will eventually find it difficult to knock us down with their criticism and thinly veiled insults laced with sarcasm. If we review the Bible and our victory journals regularly, a confidence robber won't be able to put much of a dent in our armor.

How not to react to confidence robbers.
Whatever we do, we must not allow confidence robbers to steal away all of our self-esteem. Burrowing back into our beds, keeping the blinds closed, and giving up on life is not the answer. Changing our habits to do what they think is best for us is really the wrong tactic to take.

Trying to set people like this straight is a waste of time, too. Confronting them will usually bring on more insults.

The Bible reminds us of the importance of getting along with fellow believers. Unfortunately, a lot of ministers advise victims to confront abusive people. Church leaders frequently believe the myth that all Christian believers are required to apologize, forgive, and reconcile with their abusers. I heartily disagree with this generic practice of forgiveness when dealing with abusive people of any stripe.

Confidence robbers may state that they're believers. They may even hold powerful positions within the church. But, like the Pharisees of Jesus' day, their mouths are open graves. Romans 3:13 (NIV) reads, “Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.”

So, when we run into confidence robbers, it's best to just get away quickly, restore our confidence as soon as possible, and avoid close encounters with them in the future. As far as forgiveness is concerned, we can ask God to help us release abusive people into his care and to let go of any anger we may harbor toward them.

Today's Challenge
Who is a confidence robber in your community of faith? Learn to recognize emotional abusers in sheep's clothing, and then limit the amount of time you spend with them. Build up your confidence after an encounter with them with a life review of accomplishments, read about God's love for you, or find an encouraging friend who can remind you that you are wonderful and special.

How Can I Manage Anger?

Yesterday, I gave you four points about anger:

1) unmanaged anger destroys relationships and our health;
2) everyone gets angry at times, just as God and Jesus did;
3) anger stems from unmet expectations or unfulfilled needs; and
4) trauma or abuse can cause our brains to become re-wired so that we respond to new challenges with inappropriate anger or fear.

Repressed anger leads to other problems.
When I was small, I was never allowed to express emotions. If I shouted and laughed, I was told to pipe down. If I got angry, I was punished for expressing myself. If I was sad, I was told to turn off the tears. If this sounds familiar, you may be stuffing your anger, just as I learned to do. This is just as unhealthy as displaced anger and can cause us to have physical ailments and broken relationships.

Some people try to cover up their anger. Do yourself a huge favor: don’t bury your anger under things such as comfort food, alcohol, prescription drugs, illegal drugs, pornography, excessive TV viewing, over-work, silence, or any other avoidance activity that only leaves you feeling worse.

Anger can be justified or displaced.
Justified anger, sometimes known as righteous anger, occurs when something happens to upset God's order. When we hear on the news that a child has been kidnapped, murdered, and left in a creek bed; righteous anger kicks in. It's a feeling that tells us someone has broken God's command to love one another.

Displaced anger, on the other hand, shows up unexpectedly to events that may not even warrant it. A man who goes to the hospital for a simple operation that turns into a heart attack gets angry at the doctors and nurses. When a snowstorm prevents hospital staff and his wife from driving to the hospital to care for him, he's angry at them.

Anger often masquerades as a cover-up feeling for fear. Perhaps this man is fearful of his own mortality, the loss of his wife's love, or the prospect of living as an invalid.

This anger he feels today may also be stemming from old hurts that he has not processed. If he was abused or neglected as a child, his basic needs for safety, nurturing, protection, and love were probably not fulfilled. His hospital experience may be churning up that repressed anger from decades ago, and now it is aimed at all the wrong people. Hence, we have the term displaced anger.

Follow The Three Rs to manage anger.
We must make a conscious decision to respond differently to things that anger us, otherwise we will just become known as perpetually angry people. Understanding that lashing out in anger is hurtful to us, we can follow three simple steps to make sure that we don't sin in our anger. I call this process The Three Rs: Remove, Review, and Reason.

Remove
Every single time we feel ourselves getting angry; we can remove ourselves from the situation before we do something we will regret later. We can take a walk, breathe deeply, or try some gentle stretching. Remember Proverbs 30:33 (NIV): As the beating of cream yields butter and striking the nose causes bleeding, so stirring up anger causes quarrels.

We must not turn our time-out into another avoidance tactic, though. When we are calm, we must continue onto the next step.

Review
We can memorize a Scripture passage, such as Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) and review it until our anger simmers down: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Repeating the passage to ourselves until we feel more peaceful helps to dampen the fires of anger.

Reason
When we have calmed down, we can take out our journal and write down the real reasons why we are angry. We can look at the situation and consider what happened.

Was someone behaving badly because they were afraid, lonely, needy, out of control, or being pushed around by someone else? Is our anger telling us that something about our relationship with this person needs to change? Or are we dwelling on that old, displaced anger that continues to fester within our souls?

Get professional help.
If anger is the roadblock that is preventing us from forgiving someone, we can seek the help of a professional counselor, psychologist, or specialist to help us re-program the faulty wiring in our brains. With their guidance, we can learn how to avoid anger and fear as knee-jerk reactions to conflict.

Today's Challenge
Take out your notebook and review the list of events that have made you angry. Consider the ones that you circled because of unmet needs. Underline the ones that may have a deeper, underlying cause...the ones that are really displaced anger. Perhaps this exercise will jog your memory about an older hurt that you had overlooked. Add it to your list.