Christmas is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. But when we live with toxic people, it can be one of the most miserable. We encounter ex-spouses, extended family members, in-laws, parents, and adult children who can turn our hearts inside-out with poisonous words.
Jesus' brother, James, wrote: All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. (James 3:7-10)
It has become almost a joke in our family that it wouldn't be Christmas if someone didn't say something so hateful, it left a roomful of people in tears. This year has been no exception to that tradition. Today, we feel as one would expect to following a funeral or a tragic accident. One awful incident has followed another for several days, and we feel like people suffering from shock.
I'd like to offer some suggestions for coping with toxic people during the holidays.
1) Avoid family gatherings where the family abuser will hurt you.
Counselors and psychologists have frequently told me to avoid family gatherings during the holidays. The emotional setbacks that I experience from encounters with abusers cost me too much. The verbal abuse gets internalized, and physical symptoms arise shortly afterward.
2) Create new traditions that don't involve abusers.
If we keep doing the same thing every year for the holidays, we will continue to get the same results. Stepping into a family gathering where someone sees us as an easy target is just foolish. We can choose, instead, to spend the holiday with needy children, homeless people, prisoners, the elderly, or people in hospitals. At least they will be grateful for our presence.
In spite of the objections that we may receive from family, there is nothing wrong with choosing to spend Christmas alone in the peace and quiet of our own home. Today, I am writing this Christmas blog as my gift to you, dear reader. I pray that it will help you to cope with the sorrows that the holidays will inevitably bring. Even if no one gives you a tongue-lashing this year, I know that you may still be experiencing the pain of Christmases past.
3) Celebrate the joy of Christ's birth throughout the year.
In 2011, I'm going to celebrate one-twelfth of Christmas each month on the 25th. I'll send a letter to old friends, call family members who are safe, invite someone special to share a meal with me, or take someone on an excursion to a museum, theater, or musical event.
4) Practice excellent self care.
The best Christmas gift we can give is to take excellent care of ourselves. This means that we seek professional counseling when it is warranted, eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, get the sleep we need, take time for pleasurable activities, and connect with God daily. We can also seek the help of practitioners of massage therapy, accupuncture, healing touch, or other alternative therapies that help us to remain strong.
When we are strong, abusers don't target us as frequently. And if they do, we are better prepared to create boundaries to protect ourselves. After we have encountered someone hurtful, we can bounce back more quickly if we are already practicing good self care.
Today's Challenge
If someone has once again given you the gift of abuse this year, take time to work through the emotional pain. Remember the four steps we learned earlier for confronting the people who hurt us, if it is safe. Otherwise, practice confrontation by letter or role playing, as follows:
1) Express the anger you feel when you experience abuse;
2) Express the hurt that goes along with the anger;
3) Tell the person specifically what you need from them; and
4) Set them and yourself free with acknowledgement, forgiveness, or love.
God bless you today and every Christmas with the love and joy of knowing Christ.
Showing posts with label toxic people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label toxic people. Show all posts
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Drop Out of the 'Ain't It Awful' Club
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #25
This principle takes us into Part Two of The Success Principles, which is titled, Transform Yourself for Sucess. Part One focused on understanding the fundamentals of success. This section delves into specific ways that we can change ourselves in the process of achieving our goals.
You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.
This is a profound statement. We make sure that our kids spend time with other 'good kids,' but as adults, we may not be quite so careful about who we spend our time with. I realized this a while back and became more selective about who I hang out with.
We can find more successful people in a variety of places, such as:
-Professional associations;
-Professional conferences;
-Chamber of Commerce;
-Country club;
-Leadership positions;
-Kiwanis;
-Optimists International;
-Rotary Club;
-Volunteer positions in our religious organizations; and
-Networking groups.
We can atatend lectures, courses, seminars, clinics, and retreats that are taught by people who are already doing what we want to become. So, think about being the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Look for people who have a positive attitude and a solution-oriented approach to life.
Drop out of the 'Ain't it Awful' Club
When I was studying educational methods, my college advisor told me to avoid the teachers' lounge at all costs. It was, in her estimation, a hotbed of gossip.
In my first job, I found myself eating lunch with the other teachers in the lounge during the early weeks on the job. My advisor had been right: the only thing coming out of my colleagues' mouths were negative statements about the administration, their pay, their benefits, and the kids.
I never wanted to form a negative opinion about one of my students based on someone else's critical spirit, so I began spending my lunch breaks in my classroom. Soon, another teacher joined me, and we formed a wonderful friendship that was based on positive thinking and an attitude of helpfulness toward one another.
Be selective.
Make a list of all the people that you spend time with on a regular basis: family members, coworkers, neighbors, friends, acquaintances at church, and business associates.
Now, go back and put a minus sign (-) next to the people who are negative and toxic. Put a plus sign (+) next to people who are positive and nurturing.
Look over your list and see where there are patterns of negativity. Make a choice to stop spending time with those people who are sucking the life out of you.
For those of us who have been in abusive relationships, this process can be really difficult. Often, the most toxic people live with us. Even if it is impossible to completely avoid these energy vampires, we must severely decrease the amount of time we spend with them.
I have come to the realization that my mother can rob me within minutes of every ounce of energy I have spent a year building. Therefore, I do not answer the phone when she calls, read her emails, or even talk with others about her. In fact, I limit the amount of time I spend with my siblings, who expend a lot of their energy bringing up my mother's unhealthy lifestyle.
This was not an easy decision to make. The Bible tells us, "Honor your father and mother." (Matt 15:4) Avoiding my mother felt un-Biblical. But a Christian counselor helped me to see my relationship with my mother from another perspective.
God's Word also tells us, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (2 Cor 6:14) We must guard our hearts and our minds from people who do not have in mind the things of God.
Surround yourself with successful people.
If we are going to become successful, we must begin to spend time with other successful people. We can ask them to share their secrets for success with us. Then, we can experiment with their suggestions. We can read what they read, and consider new ideas. If the new ideas work for us, we can incorporate them into our success strategies. If they don't work, we can move on and keep asking others.
Today's Challenge
Think about people you know who are always blaming someone else for their problems. Consider the people who do nothing but complain about the economy, their health, their spouses, and life in general. Stop giving away your precious time and energy to them! Make a list of five successful people you would like to know better, and call one of them today.
This principle takes us into Part Two of The Success Principles, which is titled, Transform Yourself for Sucess. Part One focused on understanding the fundamentals of success. This section delves into specific ways that we can change ourselves in the process of achieving our goals.
You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.
This is a profound statement. We make sure that our kids spend time with other 'good kids,' but as adults, we may not be quite so careful about who we spend our time with. I realized this a while back and became more selective about who I hang out with.
We can find more successful people in a variety of places, such as:
-Professional associations;
-Professional conferences;
-Chamber of Commerce;
-Country club;
-Leadership positions;
-Kiwanis;
-Optimists International;
-Rotary Club;
-Volunteer positions in our religious organizations; and
-Networking groups.
We can atatend lectures, courses, seminars, clinics, and retreats that are taught by people who are already doing what we want to become. So, think about being the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Look for people who have a positive attitude and a solution-oriented approach to life.
Drop out of the 'Ain't it Awful' Club
When I was studying educational methods, my college advisor told me to avoid the teachers' lounge at all costs. It was, in her estimation, a hotbed of gossip.
In my first job, I found myself eating lunch with the other teachers in the lounge during the early weeks on the job. My advisor had been right: the only thing coming out of my colleagues' mouths were negative statements about the administration, their pay, their benefits, and the kids.
I never wanted to form a negative opinion about one of my students based on someone else's critical spirit, so I began spending my lunch breaks in my classroom. Soon, another teacher joined me, and we formed a wonderful friendship that was based on positive thinking and an attitude of helpfulness toward one another.
Be selective.
Make a list of all the people that you spend time with on a regular basis: family members, coworkers, neighbors, friends, acquaintances at church, and business associates.
Now, go back and put a minus sign (-) next to the people who are negative and toxic. Put a plus sign (+) next to people who are positive and nurturing.
Look over your list and see where there are patterns of negativity. Make a choice to stop spending time with those people who are sucking the life out of you.
For those of us who have been in abusive relationships, this process can be really difficult. Often, the most toxic people live with us. Even if it is impossible to completely avoid these energy vampires, we must severely decrease the amount of time we spend with them.
I have come to the realization that my mother can rob me within minutes of every ounce of energy I have spent a year building. Therefore, I do not answer the phone when she calls, read her emails, or even talk with others about her. In fact, I limit the amount of time I spend with my siblings, who expend a lot of their energy bringing up my mother's unhealthy lifestyle.
This was not an easy decision to make. The Bible tells us, "Honor your father and mother." (Matt 15:4) Avoiding my mother felt un-Biblical. But a Christian counselor helped me to see my relationship with my mother from another perspective.
God's Word also tells us, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (2 Cor 6:14) We must guard our hearts and our minds from people who do not have in mind the things of God.
Surround yourself with successful people.
If we are going to become successful, we must begin to spend time with other successful people. We can ask them to share their secrets for success with us. Then, we can experiment with their suggestions. We can read what they read, and consider new ideas. If the new ideas work for us, we can incorporate them into our success strategies. If they don't work, we can move on and keep asking others.
Today's Challenge
Think about people you know who are always blaming someone else for their problems. Consider the people who do nothing but complain about the economy, their health, their spouses, and life in general. Stop giving away your precious time and energy to them! Make a list of five successful people you would like to know better, and call one of them today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
