Coping with Toxic People During the Holidays

Christmas is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. But when we live with toxic people, it can be one of the most miserable. We encounter ex-spouses, extended family members, in-laws, parents, and adult children who can turn our hearts inside-out with poisonous words.

Jesus' brother, James, wrote: All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. (James 3:7-10)

It has become almost a joke in our family that it wouldn't be Christmas if someone didn't say something so hateful, it left a roomful of people in tears. This year has been no exception to that tradition. Today, we feel as one would expect to following a funeral or a tragic accident. One awful incident has followed another for several days, and we feel like people suffering from shock.

I'd like to offer some suggestions for coping with toxic people during the holidays.

1) Avoid family gatherings where the family abuser will hurt you.
Counselors and psychologists have frequently told me to avoid family gatherings during the holidays. The emotional setbacks that I experience from encounters with abusers cost me too much. The verbal abuse gets internalized, and physical symptoms arise shortly afterward.

2) Create new traditions that don't involve abusers.
If we keep doing the same thing every year for the holidays, we will continue to get the same results. Stepping into a family gathering where someone sees us as an easy target is just foolish. We can choose, instead, to spend the holiday with needy children, homeless people, prisoners, the elderly, or people in hospitals. At least they will be grateful for our presence.

In spite of the objections that we may receive from family, there is nothing wrong with choosing to spend Christmas alone in the peace and quiet of our own home. Today, I am writing this Christmas blog as my gift to you, dear reader. I pray that it will help you to cope with the sorrows that the holidays will inevitably bring. Even if no one gives you a tongue-lashing this year, I know that you may still be experiencing the pain of Christmases past.

3) Celebrate the joy of Christ's birth throughout the year.
In 2011, I'm going to celebrate one-twelfth of Christmas each month on the 25th. I'll send a letter to old friends, call family members who are safe, invite someone special to share a meal with me, or take someone on an excursion to a museum, theater, or musical event.

4) Practice excellent self care.
The best Christmas gift we can give is to take excellent care of ourselves. This means that we seek professional counseling when it is warranted, eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, get the sleep we need, take time for pleasurable activities, and connect with God daily. We can also seek the help of practitioners of massage therapy, accupuncture, healing touch, or other alternative therapies that help us to remain strong.

When we are strong, abusers don't target us as frequently. And if they do, we are better prepared to create boundaries to protect ourselves. After we have encountered someone hurtful, we can bounce back more quickly if we are already practicing good self care.

Today's Challenge
If someone has once again given you the gift of abuse this year, take time to work through the emotional pain. Remember the four steps we learned earlier for confronting the people who hurt us, if it is safe. Otherwise, practice confrontation by letter or role playing, as follows:

1) Express the anger you feel when you experience abuse;
2) Express the hurt that goes along with the anger;
3) Tell the person specifically what you need from them; and
4) Set them and yourself free with acknowledgement, forgiveness, or love.

God bless you today and every Christmas with the love and joy of knowing Christ.