Just Say No!

Jack Canfield's Success Principle #42

Successful people know how and when to say no to things without feeling guilty. Can you? Jack makes some suggestions to help us learn to say no.

Eliminate tasks, requests, and time stealers that don't have a high payoff.
Quit agreeing to things that make you unhappy or unproductive by creating a 'stop-doing list.' This list contains policies that you stick by, no matter what, such as never loaning your car to anyone, not scheduling social events on family night, and not giving money to people who call on the phone.

For victims of abuse, I think the list should include policies, such as: never let him talk disrespectfully to you; never feel guilty for spending money that you earned; never believe that every argument is your fault; never put up with his childish outbursts; never listen to his lame excuses for hurting you; and never lie to family and friends to cover up his behavior.

Consider giving up your cell phone and email.
I agree with Jack that cell phones cause a lot of interruptions, and email includes just as much junk mail as our mailboxes used to. But to give up both cell phone and email in this day and age is ridiculous. A person simply needs to discipline themselves to turn off the computer or their phone when it's time to work. Calls can be screened, and junk emails can be deleted without being read.

Figure out why it's so hard to say no.
Jack points out that we find it difficult to say no, because we've been programmed to be agreeable. When we were children, saying no bought us a spanking. At work, we could be disciplined for saying no to projects.

As a survivor of abuse, I can tell you that saying no to an abuser is a surefire way to get mistreated even more. The pain we experience from refusing to go along with the abusive person prevents us from saying what we truly want.

I meet women frequently who are terrified to speak up, due to past or current abuse. I call them 'go-along girls.' They rarely have an opinion, and if you ask them for a preference, they will undoubtedly shrug and say they don't care one way or the other. Even though it may be perfectly safe for them to make a choice in some settings, they will always defer to others. Fear has robbed them of their ability to think for themselves. The abuse has turned them into automatons who react to all requests with compliance. When a person's freedom to choose is shut down, so is their spirit.

One of my favorite quotes, which I keep on my fridge, was written by Dr. Seuss: Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Every time I read these words, I feel empowered. We have as much right as the next person to say what we think. And if we need to tell someone no, we should feel brave enough to say so.

Most abusers are bullies who crumple up like collapsible blow-up Christmas yard decorations if we merely stand up to them. When we are certain that we are safe from further abuse, saying no to our abusers and other boundary-busters is a great way to regain control of our lives.

Use Jack's excuse.
The next time someone asks you to do something that you don't want to do, use Jack's excuse: "It's not against you; it's for me." For instance, if someone asks you to volunteer on a committee, and it's not on your list of goals; you can simply say, "I'm saying no to you, not because I'm against what you are trying to do. I've been overcommitting myself, and I'm trying to carve out some more time for other things. I'm saying no for me." Most people will understand immediately and will respect you for your strength.

Today's Challenge
Make a list of things you plan to stop doing. Post the list on your refrigerator or above your computer. Include any request that makes you feel pressured, uncomfortable, or angry. The next time someone makes a request that is on your stop-doing list, remember to tell them that it's not against them...it's for you.

Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com