Self-Imposed Solitary Confinement Kills Confidence

We continue today with my series, Confident in God's Hands. As survivors of abuse and trauma, we frequently create a form of self-imposed solitary confinement. Social anxiety can make us so fearful or uncomfortable that we barricade ourselves in our homes for days, weeks, months, or even years at a time. This is a sure-fire way to slowly drive ourselves crazy.

Research shows that we need other people.
Researchers found in 2009 that one's social environment can modify the biology of breast cancer and lead to significant differences in outcome. Female mice stressed because they were separated from their mothers developed more and larger mammary gland tumours than more contented animals. (The University of Chicago study appears in the Journal for Cancer Prevention Research.)

Researcher S. Grassian studied the effects of solitary confinement on prison inmates. He described psychiatric symptoms that appeared in 14 inmates exposed to periods of increased social isolation and sensory restriction in solitary confinement. The author asserts that these symptoms form a major, clinically distinguishable psychiatric syndrome. (Am J Psychiatry 1983; 140:1450-1454)

Psychologist Craig Haney of the University of California, Santa Cruz, is an expert on long-term solitary confinement. He explained why solitary confinement is typically used in prisons.

He said, "It’s a very painful experience. People experience isolation panic. They have a difficult time psychologically coping with the experience of being completely alone."

"In addition," he said, "solitary confinement imposes conditions of social and perceptual stimulus deprivation. Often it’s the deprivation of activity, the deprivation of cognitive stimulation, that some people find to be painful and frightening."

"Some of them lose their grasp of their identity. Who we are, and how we function in the world around us, is very much nested in our relation to other people. Over a long period of time, solitary confinement undermines one’s sense of self. It undermines your ability to register and regulate emotion. The appropriateness of what you’re thinking and feeling is difficult to index, because we’re so dependent on contact with others for that feedback. And for some people, it becomes a struggle to maintain sanity."

Go out into the world every day and talk to at least one person.
The social isolation that often results from abuse or trauma can be disabling. We must fight this downward spiral into depression and ever-greater anxiety by going out into the world every single day to find someone to talk to.

Talking on the phone, texting, and emailing don't count as much as real, one-on-one interactions with others. We need to be around other people, because it helps us to measure how we are doing. Social interaction helps us to monitor and adjust our behavior. It gives us confidence, because other people validate who we are and why we're here.

We're a lot like dogs in a pack.
My poodle, Zibby, is frequently as isolated as I am. She doesn't get very many opportunities to go out into the world, particularly when MS slows me down. When she was a puppy, our trainer told us that it was imperative for Zibby to meet at least 5 new people every week if we wanted her to become socially mature.

For the past several months, I've been so busy, Zibby has had to stay at home more often than she or I would like her to. After a number of days of isolation, I took Zibby to a friend's house. My poor dog went completely bonkers. She raced around the living room like an Indy driver, banking off of the sofa and barking her head off. My friend's dog just sat on the sofa, staring at my insane little dog.

Without other dogs to help her self-monitor her behavior, Zibby is having a difficult time learning how to adjust her emotions. We're not much different. Like dogs who learn best in a pack, we thrive when we can mirror others' behaviors. We learn how to adjust ourselves by checking in with other people.

God designed us to live in community with others.
After God made Adam, he said, "It's not good for the Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion." (Gen 2:18 MSG) Even though Adam had the companionship of every animal God had created, he was still lonely.

Like Adam, it is not good for us to be alone. My dog may provide me with some companionship, but she is certainly no subsitute for the company of other people.

If we find ourselves isolated from others as a result of our home's location, our work environment, or our own self-imposed prison of loneliness, we must make changes as soon as possible. If, for some reason, we can't get out of our house, we need to make sure that someone visits us regularly.

As we can see by the research above, social isolation leads to a documented form of mental illness. Unless we take steps to interact with other human beings daily, we are at high risk of losing our sanity. And there's no better way to destroy our confidence than to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world.

Today's Challenge
Have you been isolating yourself because it is so painful for you to go out into the world? The longer this goes on, the harder it becomes to change. Open the door today and step out into the world. Find someone, anyone, to say hello to. Do the same thing tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. If you want to thrive and restore your confidence, you need other people to help you self-monitor and adjust.

Shake Off Old Labels

We continue with my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, we take a look at labels and how they shape our actions.

What labels have been stuck on you?
For many of us, abuse has been an undercurrent throughout our lives. It may have begun at home, where unkind words, harsh punishment, or sexual molestation left us feeling frightened and powerless. When we went out into the world with our insecurities, the bullies around us picked up on our weaknesses and stuck labels on us.

We all know about labels. Kids are pros at looking at a person, sizing her up in a heartbeat, and giving her a label. Over the years, labels stuck to me, almost as perceptible as sticky notes clinging annoyingly to my skin. I was called skinny, monkey, four-eyes, buck-tooth beaver, pizza face, goody two-shoes, prude, and many other unkind names. Eventually, I felt as if I were wearing a sign on my back that read, "Abuse me. I'm an easy target."

With all of those names attached to my soul, it was difficult to develop much courage. Many of us go through our entire lives, acting as if those old labels accurately describe us.

God has labeled us as beautiful, peaceful, joyful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, and good. It's time to start believing in his labels and forget about the inaccurate, ridiculous, unkind ones of our childhood. We must consciously identify what our old labels are, rip them off, and replace them with better ones.

Label yourself like Jesus.
The apostle Paul tried to encourage the people of Corinth to look at themselves and the labels they were wearing. He urged them to throw them out and label themselves Christ-like.

Each of us is now a part of his resurrection body, refreshed and sustained at one fountain—his Spirit—where we all come to drink. The old labels we once used to identify ourselves—labels like Jew or Greek, slave or free—are no longer useful. We need something larger, more comprehensive. (I Corinthians 12:12 MSG)

We must take a long, hard look at the labels we've been operating under all of our lives. It's imperative that we give up acting as if we are those things that have been pasted to our personalities. We aren't victims, losers, clumsy oxen, bad children, or anything else ugly that has been attached to us.

We are free in Christ to label ourselves something beautiful and strong. What words would you use to describe the real you?

Today's Challenge
Identify inaccurate labels which have been clinging to you for years. Shake them off and put on a new label as a member of the body of Christ which has been refreshed in his Spirit.

Listen to Your Heart

We're learning how kick aside insecurities during my series, Confident in God's Hands. I believe that to be truly confident, we must follow God's leading for our lives. When we listen to our hearts, we find more successful outcomes than if we follow paths that the world believes we should.

Your money or your life!
All my life, I have wanted to be a writer. At times, it doesn't pay well. Truthfully, it often pays nothing, other than the satisfaction of knowing that I've crafted something beautiful.

Whenever I allow money woes to take precedence over the dream God has planted in my heart, I hit a wall. My efforts end in frustration, and they frequently cost me more time, money, and aggravation than they're worth.

On the other hand, when I'm in agreement with God's plans for my life, things just seem to fall into place. For instance, I've been asking God to help me figure out how to market, manage, and pay for the distribution of my upcoming novel. Out of the blue, a very old friend offered to handle the distribution of the book at no cost to me!

Usually, our worries about making a living by following our heart's desire are based on our lack of trust in God. When we let anxieties hold us back from our dreams, our confidence takes a hit. Why? Because confidence can only grow with successes. Every time we set aside our dreams, we're setting ourselves up to feel like losers, because we never arrive where we know we should be.

If God has given us a job to do, surely he'll provide what we need along the way! We must trust him to make our dreams come true, and in the process, our confidence will grow.

Go back to Start
When playing board games, we frequently land on a space that directs us to go back to the place where we started. We usually see this as a setback, but when it comes to following our dreams and gaining confidence along the way, returning to our beginnings can put us on the fast-track to success.

King Solomon had a dream of ruling God's people. When God asked Solomon what blessing he might give him, Solomon asked for wisdom and knowledge to lead God's people.

God said to Solomon, "Since this is your heart's desire and you have not asked for wealth, riches or honor, nor for the death of your enemies, and since you have not asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern my people over whom I have made you king, therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given you. And I will also give you wealth, riches and honor, such as no king who was before you ever had and none after you will have." (2 Chronicles 1:11-12 NIV)

We can see from the passage above that God showers his people with blessings when they follow their heart's desire. Blessings beyond our wildest dreams usually follow when we take our focus off of money and put it back on God's plan for us. Solomon became the wealthiest, most highly respected man of all time, because his dream honored God.

If we return to the beginning of our dreams, can we say that God put them in our hearts? Or have we been wishing for something outside of his will for us? We must choose wisely, as Solomon did, when asking God to bless our efforts. If we don't seem to be making any headway, perhaps it's time to go back and start over. Maybe we need to examine our heart's desire and make sure that God planted it there in the first place.

Today's Challenge
What has always been your heart's desire? If you haven't achieved it, take time today to pray about it. Ask God to show you whether or not that dream was his or something the world told you to do. If you feel certain that your dream and God's plans are in alignment, follow that path to success and greater confidence. If you determine that you're on the wrong path, ask God to send you back to start over on a dream that will honor him.

Hone Your Skills

We've been looking at intellectual growth this week during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I'd like to address the importance of perfecting the skills we have learned.

Don't waste your time on education.
We often get excited about learning something new, so we sign up for a class. For the first days or weeks, we are highly motivated, and we try our best to understand all that is new. This is because learning a new skill gives us a rush, as would a new relationship, a new adventure, or a new addiction.

Then, the newness wears off, and our interest begins to fade. We discover that it's hard to learn, and many of us give up shortly after our high-energy beginnings. We quickly come to regret the time and money we've expended on our dream. When we quickly give up, we've wasted our our time on education.

Dedicate yourself to success.
Learning requires discpline, perseverance, and the ability to keep our eyes focused on the end goal. If we want to learn to play the piano, for example, we must start by imagining ourselves successfully playing. Then, we have to sign up for lessons and practice, practice, practice.

I began taking piano lessons when I was four years old. It was my mother's idea, so my motivation to practice was not very strong. For a number of years, I took lessons, but I rarely touched the keys when my teacher wasn't around. Others told me that my goal should be to memorize a piece to play in a recital. I really preferred playing outside to practicing. Their dream was not mine.

And then something changed. I discovered a type of music known as boogie-woogie, and my level of interest shot upward. There was something about the syncopated rhythms and bouncy melodies that motivated me to get it right. I began practicing without worrying about how much time I spent at he keyboard. Suddenly, I had a dream. I wanted to play this music for others, so that they could feel the joy that I did through the tunes.

After a number of years, I discovered that I was spending all of my free time at the piano. At one point, I was playing four hours a day. I began signing up for competitions and easily won a number of prizes and medals. When we devote that much time to any one pursuit, it stands to reason that we'll improve.

Find a mentor to achieve a break-through.
Eventually, we'll hit a plateau in our learning. We'll reach a point where further growth can only come with new input. For me, it meant finding a professor at a local university who taught me how to play jazz improvization.

The early years of studying boring piano theory, practicing scales, and pulling out my hair over the classics finally paid off. I had the basic knowledge to understand how to write and play my own music. Suddenly, I achieved a break-through. I found myself jamming with a group of jazz musicians, shifting with ease from one chord progression to the next.

I was no longer anxious about the curve of my fingers on the keys, the phrasing, or hitting a wrong note in a well-recognized tune. Jazz improv was freeing, and I felt as if my soul, the music, and the other musicians were all one being. Nothing boosts our confidence like achieving more than we have dreamed was possible.

God wants us to dream and take action.
When God puts a dream in our hearts, he wants us to focus on it and see it through his eyes. Philippians 4:8 (NIV) reminds us, Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

When we imagine outcomes that are excellent, we've taken the first step in achieving our dreams. But our dreams must be accompanied by actions if we want to achieve success and build confidence.

While I could imagine myself playing in a recital, I was never going to see it become a reality unless I applied myself to learning how to play the piano. It took teachers, lessons, grueling hours of practice, listening to music, reaching out to other musicians, and the ability to think outside the box to truly excel.

James 1:12 (NIV) tells about the importance of sticking with something to the very end: Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James was talking about persevering in holding fast to our faith so that we can find our way to heaven, even when others try to tell us that we're wrong, crazy, or stupid.

But James' words can also be applied to any dream that God puts in our hearts. We must believe in our dreams, believe in the God who placed them in our souls, and believe in our ability to succeed. Adding sustained action to our dreams will inevitably help us to achieve what we want. And increased confidence inevitably follows on the heels of success.

Today's Challenge
Do you have a dream that you've never fulfilled? Did you give up when your interest waned or when the road became too difficult for you? Perhaps you gave up, because you realized the dream was not a part of God's plan for you. It's okay to let go when you've understood that you went the wrong way. Look back over your life and try to see where you have succeeded because you persevered. Can you apply that same persistence to learn something difficult and fulfill your God-driven dreams?

Feed Your Mind to Increase Confidence

My series, Confident in God's Hands, is designed to help readers increase their self-esteem. So many of us who have experienced abuse or trauma suffer from a complete lack of confidence. Today, I'd like to address the importance of feeding our minds.

Is your mind fully functional?
Have you ever been awakened by the phone ringing in the middle of the night? You slowly come to a state of semi-consciousness and punch the button on your alarm. The ringing continues. You realize that it's the phone, not the alarm, and you fumble around in the dark to pick it up. You manage in a gravelly voice, "He..ll...o," followed by a deep sigh.

If we find ourselves slogging through our days with this feeling of still being half-asleep, it's time to wake up our minds. Here are some tips for feeding our brains to boost self-esteem:

Get plenty of rest.
No one can think straight without sleep. Many people believe they can get by with 6 hours, but researchers have found that most of us need 7 to 9 hours every night. Going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time each day improves our mental alertness.

Eat nutritious foods.
Limit sugar and starches, which make us feel foggy. A diet high in protein and heavy on vegetables provides us with a clearer head and less fatigue throughout the day. A high-protein, low-carb breakfast gives us the mental boost and the confidence we need to start our day off right.

Get adequate exercise.
If we've been couch potatoes for years, we should start out with 10 minutes of stretching, yoga, or gentle walking. Even this minimal amount of movement increases blood flow to the brain. We can work up to 30-60 minutes of exercise daily to keep our minds sharp and our confidence levels high.

Turn off the TV.
As a teacher, I could tell which of my students spent an inordinate amount of time in front of their TV sets. They were slow to respond to questions, couldn't think creatively, and suffered from low self-esteem.

Television viewing is a passive form of mental work, meaning that we simply take in information without having to put in much thought. It dulls our minds so that we lose confidence in our abilities when we turn off the set and try to interact with others.

Pick up a good book.
Unlike TV viewing, reading forces us to use our minds in many creative ways. As we scan the words on the page, our minds form pictures in our heads of how the characters look, what the setting is like, and what all of the thousands of details must be. Reading is a great confidence booster, because it increases our vocabulary, teaches us about new places, and provides opportunities to learn about other people.

Skip the tabloid newspapers and magazines.
Reading the gossipy junk in tabloid newspapers and magazines is, in my opinion, a complete waste of mental power. They are written at a sixth-grade reading level and report all kinds of depressing news. If I look at them, I feel awful afterward. I realize that I've wasted a reading opportunity, and thinking about all those divorces, drug overdoses, and relationship issues drains my confidence. Who could possibly feel refreshed or more confident after reading about so much gloom and doom?

If you want to know what's going on in the world, pick up The New York Times or The Wall Street Journal. If you don't have access to them, subscribe online. The National Geographic magazine is full of interesting articles and photographs that will expand your horizons and increase your confidence. Learning about unusual animals and people from other cultures gives us something to talk about when we meet others. And being able to interact with some degree of intelligence boosts our confidence.

Read the Bible.
The Bible is God's living, breathing Word, which brings us refreshment, enlightenment, encouragement, love, and hope each time we pick it up. If we are facing hardships, the Holy Spirit leads us to messages about God's ability to provide for us. When we've reached a success point, the Word gives us plenty of opportunities to praise God for it. If we read the Bible daily, we discover that our confidence increases. There is no problem that is too big for God to handle. We can go out into the world with our heads held high, knowing that the Almighty Creator of the Universe is walking ahead of us.

Romans 12:2a (NIV) tells us about the importance of focusing on God, and not on the tragedies that we find on the TV set or in junk newspapers. It reads, Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Our minds can be renewed each time we open the Bible. And with the renewal of our minds, confidence grows.

Today's Challenge
Choose two things from the tips above to feed your mind. For the next week, write down how those two changes are improving your confidence.

Learn a New Skill to Build Your Confidence

We are working at becoming more courageous during my series, Confident in God's Hands. Today, I'd like to address the importance of learning new skills.

Turn your losses into opportunities.
Losing our health, our jobs, our marriages, our families, or our money as a result of abuse or trauma can really take a toll on our confidence. Without these basics, many of us lose our ability to tackle challenges.

When we can no longer function due to illness, relationship issues, or job loss, we may suffer from depression and anxiety. Without a way to experience regular success, most of us struggle with low self-esteem, because we're not using the skills that we had once honed.

Learning a new skill that stretches our current level of functioning can give our confidence a terrific shot in the arm. Taking that first step and committing to learning something new can be frightening, to say the least. But if we're willing to take a risk, the pay-offs are worth it.

Adult Ed 101
Multiple sclerosis has sidelined me from holding down a regular job for nearly a decade. At times, I suffer from depression, because I am not using my mind or my body in ways that were once challenging to me.

Someone suggested becoming a real estate agent, because the hours are flexible. But I know from experience that I would never be able to manage the required hours in the office. So, Joe and I decided to learn about real estate investing as a way to keep my mind sharp to and to improve our current investment returns.

We signed up for on-line classes and began a journey that has felt like a roller coaster ride at times. Trying to learn so much new information has been exhausting. Evaluating real estate deals has been terrifying. Worrying about whether we've made mistakes or overlooked important details in our calculations has been nerve-wracking.

In spite of the difficulties, though, something wonderful has begun happening. With each step, we are discovering that real estate investing isn't so scary after all. And with each success, our confidence grows.

Each time we re-apply our new skills to another situation, our self-esteem flourishes. Before long, I'm sure we will look back and wonder why we were ever depressed or worried.

God walks into classrooms ahead of us.
When we decide to learn a new skill, God goes ahead of us. His Word says, "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you." (Deut 31:6 MSG)

All through the process of learning something new and applying it to life, God is there. What do we have to fear?

Today's Challenge
Are you becoming antiquated because of losses related to abuse or trauma? If you're feeling clueless, sign up for a community ed class about computers or financial planning. If you're scared to leave home, sign up for an art class, an exercise club, or an outdoor adventure. Meeting new people may be scary, but developing improved relationship skills along the way will boost your confidence. Push yourself to the next level. Learn a new language or skill that will land you a better job. Whatever it takes, do something to update your skill set today. Ask God to go ahead of you and wait for something wonderful to happen.

Beware of Confidence Robbers in Sheep's Clothing

We have been learning about how to gain greater confidence during my series, Confident in God's Hands. I would like to help you identify confidence robbers, figure out how to minimize their impact on your life, and learn to restore what they've stolen.

Abusers are everywhere, even in church.
There are abusers in every corner of our world. Sadly, quite a few of them can actually be found in churches. They may be in positions of leadership or authority, serving as elders, deacons, or high-profile volunteers.

It can be hard for us to identify these church-going bullies, because they don't allow everyone to see their ugly side. But it's easy for them to target us. We're often still very vulnerable, compliant people-pleasers after having been abused for so many years. These bullies find us, because we tend to be incredibly polite, soft-spoken members of our faith community.

If we have wronged someone without realizing it, they have a right to voice their concerns. We should strive to make amends quickly so that we don't create divisions between believers. But when a verbally abusive person bashes us into the ground over every single failing that they perceive about us, they cross the line. They are no longer offering us helpful feedback about one issue. They aren't looking for ways to get along with us. They're usually trying to control our minds, our hearts, and our lives.

A very difficult woman from our former church once invited herself to our house under the guise of praying for me and our unborn baby. Within two minutes of arriving, she began telling me all about why my husband was unfit as the minister, how I was a failure as a church leader, and how she would run the church if she could.

We all understand that people like this are a little screwy, but they still seem to push our buttons. When they leave, we find ourselves in a blubbering heap on the sofa, uncertain of everything about ourselves all over again.

Abusers disguised as sheep can destroy our confidence.
An emotional abuser can dump so much criticism on us within seconds that we may feel devastated. Their timing is usually very carefully planned, heaping insults and negativity on us when we least expect it, and in a place where they know we will most likely not stand up for ourselves.

My standard response to a person who emotionally abuses me at church is to just stand there and take it. Even when verbal abusers say completely unkind things to me, I often find myself assuring them that I will take whatever they have to say, weigh it, and learn whatever I can from their input.

Afterward, I find myself wishing I had stood up to them, told them that they were out of line, and reminded them that everybody dislikes being bullied. Instead, I usually scurry away from them, desperately trying not to burst into tears. Emotional abusers can shame me so badly that I wish the floor would open up and swallow me. I can become so upset by their verbal bashing that I can't handle my responsiblities at work or at home.

If we think about the situation long enough, we may realize that a confidence robber has been criticizing us like this at every opportunity for years. They may snicker about our spouse's faults or our children's shortcomings behind their backs. They remind us at every turn that we don't know what we're doing. Many of their unkind remarks are either muttered under their breath or veiled in sarcasm.

Learn to identify confidence robbers.
Confidence robbers in sheep's clothing are difficult to recognize, but if we become more aware of their tactics and how they make us feel, we can figure out how to identify them a little sooner.

We need to think about how we feel when we encounter someone who is constantly negative, critical, or sarcastic. If we are feeling confident, and a conversation with someone like this makes our chin quiver, our eyes mist over, and our heart pound, they're probably emotional abusers. If we feel shamed by the things they're telling us about ourselves, we must realize that they're attacking our character, not just a single fault.

It's important to become particularly wary around people who smile a lot at us and seem unusually friendly. If they're the type of person whom no one else in our community group can get along with, we must question why they're singling us out in the crowd. We don't have to become paranoid that every smiling person is an abuser, but we do need to tune into what our spirits may be telling us about certain people.

Limit your exposure to confidence robbers.
If we've been abused as children, we've probably learned that limiting the amount of time we spend with our parents is best. If we've withstood domestic violence within a marriage, we've hopefully learned that we can function better away from that destructive relationship.

Unfortunately, many of us fail to recognize that we must also limit the amount of time we spend with emotional abusers in our community of faith. We can be polite with these confidence robbers, but we certainly should not be inviting them into our homes or visiting theirs. If we find ourselves in a volunteer situation alongside them, we have to find creative ways to insulate ourselves from their assaults.

Our confidence may already have hit rock-bottom after coming out of abusive situations. We don't need people like this to make us feel any more depressed or worthless than our abusers already have.

Restore confidence quickly.
If we do encounter a confidence robber, it's imperative for us to restore our self-esteem as quickly as possible. We must immediately remove ourselves from the situation the minute we realize what they're doing. We can excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom, make a phone call, or meet with someone else.

If they've made us angry, we can take a long walk, go for a run, beat up our bed with our pillow, or dig in the garden until the rage dissipates.

After we've calmed down, we must take inventory of all the things that we do well. If we haven't created a victory journal, as Jack Canfield suggests, it's time to start one. This is an account in a notebook of everything we have done well throughout our lives.

Ephesians 6:11 (NIV) reminds us, Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. When we take time to read the Bible daily and understand that obeying God's Word can equip us to deal with abusers, we become more courageous when confronted by confidence robbers.

Abusive people will eventually find it difficult to knock us down with their criticism and thinly veiled insults laced with sarcasm. If we review the Bible and our victory journals regularly, a confidence robber won't be able to put much of a dent in our armor.

How not to react to confidence robbers.
Whatever we do, we must not allow confidence robbers to steal away all of our self-esteem. Burrowing back into our beds, keeping the blinds closed, and giving up on life is not the answer. Changing our habits to do what they think is best for us is really the wrong tactic to take.

Trying to set people like this straight is a waste of time, too. Confronting them will usually bring on more insults.

The Bible reminds us of the importance of getting along with fellow believers. Unfortunately, a lot of ministers advise victims to confront abusive people. Church leaders frequently believe the myth that all Christian believers are required to apologize, forgive, and reconcile with their abusers. I heartily disagree with this generic practice of forgiveness when dealing with abusive people of any stripe.

Confidence robbers may state that they're believers. They may even hold powerful positions within the church. But, like the Pharisees of Jesus' day, their mouths are open graves. Romans 3:13 (NIV) reads, “Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.”

So, when we run into confidence robbers, it's best to just get away quickly, restore our confidence as soon as possible, and avoid close encounters with them in the future. As far as forgiveness is concerned, we can ask God to help us release abusive people into his care and to let go of any anger we may harbor toward them.

Today's Challenge
Who is a confidence robber in your community of faith? Learn to recognize emotional abusers in sheep's clothing, and then limit the amount of time you spend with them. Build up your confidence after an encounter with them with a life review of accomplishments, read about God's love for you, or find an encouraging friend who can remind you that you are wonderful and special.