Jack Canfield's Success Principle #31
Grow or die.
Change is inevitable. People who are successful know this, and they embrace change. Jack provides two examples of big businesses and their responses to change.
In the early 1900s, Americans were no longer growing up and dying in their hometowns. Many people were moving far from home, and they needed to send flowers to loved ones in other places. A group of florists got together to combine their services with the telegraph system. They founded Florists' Telegraph Delivery, which we know today as FTD. Because those florists embraced change, they thrived.
At the same time, America's railroad system found itself challenged by the auto and airplane industries. However, it saw itself primarily as a transporter of goods, not people. The railroad companies didn't respond to the change as the florists did, and our train system nearly died out. It has never recovered.
When change happens, we can either go along with it or be run over by it. I can remember once asking my 90-year-old grandmother how she had adapted to so much change in her lifetime. We were on a jet, and I remembered stories about the first time she ever rode on a bus. She was nearly 30 years old then, and it was the first time she had ever left her hometown. She shrugged and said, "You just learn to get used to it, I guess." Grandma was the resilient sort, who looked forward to new experiences, even if they were a little frightening.
Become resilent, not resistant.
Many of us who have struggled with PTSD find change extremely difficult. We often develop a condition known as adjustment disorder. This means that we simply cannot adjust to new situations without a lot of interventions.
When we are not safe, change gives us just one more reason to feel that life is slipping out of control. But once we have found safety, it's important to let go of the need to control everything. Otherwise, we simply become rigid people who can't tolerate even the smallest bumps in the road.
If we learn to become resilient, we can bend, like a mighty oak swaying in high winds. When we are resistant, change will break us, just as a high wind might shatter a window.
Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." In other words, to have a relationship with Christ, we must be able to trust him completely, just as a little child would.
In the same way, we must trust God to help us through all of the changes that life throws at us. I think resiliency is synonymous with trust in this instance. Resistant people don't trust that something better lies ahead.
Realize that there are two types of change.
Change comes in one of two forms: cyclical change and structural change. We have no control over either one. Cyclical change occurs several times each year. We see it in the weather, holiday shopping trends, and so on. Most of us adapt to this pretty easily.
Structural change, however, is more difficult to adjust to. It's the type of change that really alters how we do things. Inventions such as the television, telephone, and computer have radically changed the way we live. We must accept these types of structural changes, or they'll do us in.
Learn to adapt to change.
We can all learn to embrace change with one simple exercise. We can look back and list ways that we've adapted to change in the past. We can recognize times when we were at first resistant. When we surrendered to it, though, our lives improved.
I recently went through tremendous change that I thought would crush me. When my daughter left for college, I wasn't sure that I would be able to continue breathing. The first night, I cried for hours. I don't think I've ever seen Joe eyeing me with such concern.
Each day, I just kept getting up and going through the motions. It was difficult, because I had been someone's mommy for nearly thirty years. Without any of my offspring in the house, I felt obsolete.
I knew, though, that I couldn't cry forever. And I couldn't get stuck in that dead zone of wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I decided to get more involved at church, and slowly, my focus began to shift from my children to others.
Today, I can honestly say that being an empty-nester is the best time of life. We have enough money, no one uses up all of the hot water in the morning, food doesn't disappear from the fridge at the speed of light, and we don't lie awake at night waiting for one of the kids to come home. In fact, this phase of my life has become one of the most satisfying. I've successfully launched my kids into the world, and now I get to do the things I've always wanted to.
Today's Challenge
Begin today to look at each new change with excitement and anticipation. To get moving in the right direction, ask yourself these questions from The Success Principles, page 228:
What's changing in my life that I'm currently resisting?
Why am I resisting that change?
What am I afraid of with respect to this change?
What's the cost for keeping things the way they are?
What benefits might there be for me if I cooperate with this change?
What steps must I take to make this change?
When will I take the next step?
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Face What Isn't Working
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #30
Successful people look at circumstances that are not working, and they take appropriate actions to change things. On the other hand, people living in denial ignore the 'yellow alerts' that Jack talked about in a previous chapter. If we are living in denial, we look away from obvious problems by:
-ignoring a hostile and toxic work environment;
-drinking caffeine to overcome our lack of physical energy;
-using drugs or alcohol to soothe ourselves;
-avoiding the mirror because of our excess weight;
-putting off doctors' appointments to address our poor health;
-excusing our obesity, because everyone else is bigger than we are;
-turning a blind eye to a spouse who abuses, neglects, or cheats on us; or
-avoiding confrontation with people who hurt us.
Remember the yellow alerts.
Yellow alerts are little signals that we get both externally and internally that something is not right. We often ignore these warnings, because confronting them might make us uncomfortable. We continue to put up with intolerable circumstances, because we don't want to step outside of our comfort zone.
Successful people are in touch with reality. They are willing to look at the truth about situations, and then they deal with it. They never attempt to hide it or deny it.
Know when to hold them, know when to fold them.
Before we can fix our problems, we must be able to recognize them. Then, we have to decide that we're going to take action. So many people are in such deep denial, that they actually say they're happy with a situation when they not. In other words, they're living a lie.
During the 20 years that I remained with my first husband, I lived a lie. Everyone thought we lived a charmed life, because we were wealthy, well-educated, and lived in a series of beautiful homes. The truth is, I was miserable, but I would never let on. For a long time, it was easier to tell myself that I could live with the agony of a troubled marriage. Attempting to leave only made the abuse worse in the short run.
A psychiatrist finally broke through my denial. On my first visit to his office, he asked why I stayed with an abuser. I told him it's what God expected of me. He looked me sqaurely in the eye and asked, "You think you can make a leopard change its spots? Stop a speeding train?" His questions rattled me, and I didn't like his approach. But he got me thinking, and I eventually came to understand: I could never change my ex-husband, but I could change my response to the abuse. It took less than a year to clearly see the hopelessness of my broken marriage and to file for divorce.
Denial is based on fear.
When we live in denial, it's because we're afraid to face the truth. The Bible tells us more than 300 times not to be afraid. When I was trying to work up the courage to leave my first husband, I turned to Scripture daily for boldness. Psalm 118:6 reads, The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? When our lives are a mess, we must trust that God will walk with us to get us back on the path he has in mind for us.
Jack points out the good news in breaking free from uncomfortable situations. The more we face what isn't working, the easier it gets. And when we become better at recognizing yellow alerts, the more quickly we take action.
Today's Challenge
Make a list of what isn't working in your life. Be sure to include the seven major areas: finances, career, recreation, health, relationships, personal growth, and community service. Ask others to tell you what they see that is not working for you. Ask them to make suggestions about how to improve each situation. Choose one suggested action and do it. Then keep taking another action each day until the situation is resolved.
Successful people look at circumstances that are not working, and they take appropriate actions to change things. On the other hand, people living in denial ignore the 'yellow alerts' that Jack talked about in a previous chapter. If we are living in denial, we look away from obvious problems by:
-ignoring a hostile and toxic work environment;
-drinking caffeine to overcome our lack of physical energy;
-using drugs or alcohol to soothe ourselves;
-avoiding the mirror because of our excess weight;
-putting off doctors' appointments to address our poor health;
-excusing our obesity, because everyone else is bigger than we are;
-turning a blind eye to a spouse who abuses, neglects, or cheats on us; or
-avoiding confrontation with people who hurt us.
Remember the yellow alerts.
Yellow alerts are little signals that we get both externally and internally that something is not right. We often ignore these warnings, because confronting them might make us uncomfortable. We continue to put up with intolerable circumstances, because we don't want to step outside of our comfort zone.
Successful people are in touch with reality. They are willing to look at the truth about situations, and then they deal with it. They never attempt to hide it or deny it.
Know when to hold them, know when to fold them.
Before we can fix our problems, we must be able to recognize them. Then, we have to decide that we're going to take action. So many people are in such deep denial, that they actually say they're happy with a situation when they not. In other words, they're living a lie.
During the 20 years that I remained with my first husband, I lived a lie. Everyone thought we lived a charmed life, because we were wealthy, well-educated, and lived in a series of beautiful homes. The truth is, I was miserable, but I would never let on. For a long time, it was easier to tell myself that I could live with the agony of a troubled marriage. Attempting to leave only made the abuse worse in the short run.
A psychiatrist finally broke through my denial. On my first visit to his office, he asked why I stayed with an abuser. I told him it's what God expected of me. He looked me sqaurely in the eye and asked, "You think you can make a leopard change its spots? Stop a speeding train?" His questions rattled me, and I didn't like his approach. But he got me thinking, and I eventually came to understand: I could never change my ex-husband, but I could change my response to the abuse. It took less than a year to clearly see the hopelessness of my broken marriage and to file for divorce.
Denial is based on fear.
When we live in denial, it's because we're afraid to face the truth. The Bible tells us more than 300 times not to be afraid. When I was trying to work up the courage to leave my first husband, I turned to Scripture daily for boldness. Psalm 118:6 reads, The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? When our lives are a mess, we must trust that God will walk with us to get us back on the path he has in mind for us.
Jack points out the good news in breaking free from uncomfortable situations. The more we face what isn't working, the easier it gets. And when we become better at recognizing yellow alerts, the more quickly we take action.
Today's Challenge
Make a list of what isn't working in your life. Be sure to include the seven major areas: finances, career, recreation, health, relationships, personal growth, and community service. Ask others to tell you what they see that is not working for you. Ask them to make suggestions about how to improve each situation. Choose one suggested action and do it. Then keep taking another action each day until the situation is resolved.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Complete the Past to Embrace the Future
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #29
If we hold onto unforgiveness, it's as if we're dragging an anchor behind us. It slows us down and prevents us from enjoying today and receiving God's blessings. If we can release unforgiveness, we will discover that we can move faster and more easily through life.
Learn the six steps of the Total Truth Process.
Jack asserts that we belong in a natural state of love and joy. The Total Truth Process helps us to release the negative emotions that are attached to unforgiveness. Through this process, we can express our true feelings so that we can return to our natural state: caring, sharing closeness with others, and living cooperatively.
The goal of the Total Truth Process lies in expressing anger and hurt, and then moving toward forgiveness and love. We can practice letting go of our pain by sitting in a chair and visualizing the person who hurt us in a chair across from us. If it is appropriate, we can actually go to the person who hurt us to confront them in person. We should spend an equal amount of time on each of the following six stages:
1) anger and resentment
2) hurt
3) fear
4) remorse, regret, accountability
5) wants
6) love, compassion, forgiveness, and appreciation
As I am writing this, I don't even know where to begin. So many people have hurt me, I feel as if I could spend the second half of my life just trying to forgive them. Jack directs us to take as long as we need to complete this forgiveness process for each person before moving on.
So, here is what one of my Total Truth Processes would look like. I'm going to choose to work on the day I had five abcessed teeth pulled. I was eight years old, and my mother left me alone in the house while she had a pool party out back.
1) I felt angry when you left me alone inside the house while you were outside getting drunk with your friends.
2) It hurt me to think that your own fun was more important to you than comforting me at a time when I was in terrible pain.
3) I was afraid there in the dark by myself, with no one to hold my hand and reassure me.
4) I'm sorry that I didn't get out of bed to let you know what I needed.
5) All I ever wanted was for you to put my needs ahead of your own.
6) I understand that you did not receive the type of love and nurturing that you needed as a little girl; so you were not capable of giving me what I deserved, either. I forgive you.
We can follow this format above that I have indicated in italics for all of our past hurts. By including each of these six steps, we can finally release all of our emotions and bring closure to every incident.
Opt for a Total Truth Letter in some instances.
If the person we need to forgive is dead, unavailable, or unwilling to cooperate so that we can tell them these things in person, we can write what Jack calls a Total Truth Letter. We can write the six steps, and then destroy the letter.
I want to add something here that Jack did not include. In the process of leaving my ex-husband, I discovered that abusive people can become so controlling when confronted, our safety may be compromised. I once belonged to a group of women trying to leave their partners. One was murdered, and most of the others were slipping from one safe house to the next in an effort to avoid further abuse. Please DO NOT confront an abuser. Instead, use the unmailed Total Truth Letter to complete your forgiveness process with them.
Forgive so that you can move on.
Being angry, negative, and unforgiving about a past hurt robs us of valuable time and energy for present undertakings. If we hold onto resentment, we can be assured that we will attract more of the same.
Forgive to bring yourself into the present.
By forgiving people, we are NOT admitting that we condone their actions. It also does NOT mean that we have to ever trust them again. We merely release ourselves from the pain and resentment so that we can finally live fully in present day, not in the past.
What if it's really hard to let go?
When people used to tell me that I needed to forgive, I would tell them that they had no idea how horrific my life had been. Jack points out that he was kidnapped and assaulted, abused by his alcoholic father, had money embezzled by close friends, and so on. He has learned to forgive everyone from his past and is enjoying the benefits. He tells that the moment we forgive completely, God's blessings come rushing in within hours or days.
A dear friend told me years ago that forgiveness is for me, not for the person who hurt me. Harboring resentment for years on end destroys me, not the other person.
Jack has written something called the Forgiveness Affirmation, which you can find on pages 219-220 of The Success Principles. He suggests reading this three times daily until we have completed forgiving everyone from our past. I broke through so much old pain by reading this, I am sharing it here with you:
I release myself from all the demands and judgments that have kept me limited. I allow myself to go free--to live in joy and love and peace. I allow myself to create fulfilling relationships, to have success in my life, to experience pleasure, to know that I am worthy and deserve to have what I want. I now go free. In that process, I release all others from any demands and expectations I have placed on them. I choose to be free. I allow others to be free. I forgive myself, and I forgive them. And so it is.
Mark 11:25 in the Bible records what Jesus had to say about this topic: "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Holding onto unforgiveness prevents us from having a complete relationship with God.
Knowing that I may not receive the blessing of God's forgiveness if I don't forgive others keeps me focused on figuring out how to let go of my past pain. With prayer, I know that I can complete this process. I am really thankful for people like Jack Canfield, who understand how difficult this can be.
Today's Challenge
Make a list of all the people you need to forgive. Write it like this:
(Person's name) hurt me by (whatever action caused you pain and anger).
Choose one of these hurtful events, and work through the six steps of the Total Truth Process. Remember to spend an equal amount of time on each step. This can be done alone by merely speaking to an empty chair, or you can practice it first and then actually confront the person, if it is safe to do so. If you would prefer, you can use the Total Truth Letter, which does not have to get mailed. Transcend the pain of your past and triumph!
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
If we hold onto unforgiveness, it's as if we're dragging an anchor behind us. It slows us down and prevents us from enjoying today and receiving God's blessings. If we can release unforgiveness, we will discover that we can move faster and more easily through life.
Learn the six steps of the Total Truth Process.
Jack asserts that we belong in a natural state of love and joy. The Total Truth Process helps us to release the negative emotions that are attached to unforgiveness. Through this process, we can express our true feelings so that we can return to our natural state: caring, sharing closeness with others, and living cooperatively.
The goal of the Total Truth Process lies in expressing anger and hurt, and then moving toward forgiveness and love. We can practice letting go of our pain by sitting in a chair and visualizing the person who hurt us in a chair across from us. If it is appropriate, we can actually go to the person who hurt us to confront them in person. We should spend an equal amount of time on each of the following six stages:
1) anger and resentment
2) hurt
3) fear
4) remorse, regret, accountability
5) wants
6) love, compassion, forgiveness, and appreciation
As I am writing this, I don't even know where to begin. So many people have hurt me, I feel as if I could spend the second half of my life just trying to forgive them. Jack directs us to take as long as we need to complete this forgiveness process for each person before moving on.
So, here is what one of my Total Truth Processes would look like. I'm going to choose to work on the day I had five abcessed teeth pulled. I was eight years old, and my mother left me alone in the house while she had a pool party out back.
1) I felt angry when you left me alone inside the house while you were outside getting drunk with your friends.
2) It hurt me to think that your own fun was more important to you than comforting me at a time when I was in terrible pain.
3) I was afraid there in the dark by myself, with no one to hold my hand and reassure me.
4) I'm sorry that I didn't get out of bed to let you know what I needed.
5) All I ever wanted was for you to put my needs ahead of your own.
6) I understand that you did not receive the type of love and nurturing that you needed as a little girl; so you were not capable of giving me what I deserved, either. I forgive you.
We can follow this format above that I have indicated in italics for all of our past hurts. By including each of these six steps, we can finally release all of our emotions and bring closure to every incident.
Opt for a Total Truth Letter in some instances.
If the person we need to forgive is dead, unavailable, or unwilling to cooperate so that we can tell them these things in person, we can write what Jack calls a Total Truth Letter. We can write the six steps, and then destroy the letter.
I want to add something here that Jack did not include. In the process of leaving my ex-husband, I discovered that abusive people can become so controlling when confronted, our safety may be compromised. I once belonged to a group of women trying to leave their partners. One was murdered, and most of the others were slipping from one safe house to the next in an effort to avoid further abuse. Please DO NOT confront an abuser. Instead, use the unmailed Total Truth Letter to complete your forgiveness process with them.
Forgive so that you can move on.
Being angry, negative, and unforgiving about a past hurt robs us of valuable time and energy for present undertakings. If we hold onto resentment, we can be assured that we will attract more of the same.
Forgive to bring yourself into the present.
By forgiving people, we are NOT admitting that we condone their actions. It also does NOT mean that we have to ever trust them again. We merely release ourselves from the pain and resentment so that we can finally live fully in present day, not in the past.
What if it's really hard to let go?
When people used to tell me that I needed to forgive, I would tell them that they had no idea how horrific my life had been. Jack points out that he was kidnapped and assaulted, abused by his alcoholic father, had money embezzled by close friends, and so on. He has learned to forgive everyone from his past and is enjoying the benefits. He tells that the moment we forgive completely, God's blessings come rushing in within hours or days.
A dear friend told me years ago that forgiveness is for me, not for the person who hurt me. Harboring resentment for years on end destroys me, not the other person.
Jack has written something called the Forgiveness Affirmation, which you can find on pages 219-220 of The Success Principles. He suggests reading this three times daily until we have completed forgiving everyone from our past. I broke through so much old pain by reading this, I am sharing it here with you:
I release myself from all the demands and judgments that have kept me limited. I allow myself to go free--to live in joy and love and peace. I allow myself to create fulfilling relationships, to have success in my life, to experience pleasure, to know that I am worthy and deserve to have what I want. I now go free. In that process, I release all others from any demands and expectations I have placed on them. I choose to be free. I allow others to be free. I forgive myself, and I forgive them. And so it is.
Mark 11:25 in the Bible records what Jesus had to say about this topic: "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Holding onto unforgiveness prevents us from having a complete relationship with God.
Knowing that I may not receive the blessing of God's forgiveness if I don't forgive others keeps me focused on figuring out how to let go of my past pain. With prayer, I know that I can complete this process. I am really thankful for people like Jack Canfield, who understand how difficult this can be.
Today's Challenge
Make a list of all the people you need to forgive. Write it like this:
(Person's name) hurt me by (whatever action caused you pain and anger).
Choose one of these hurtful events, and work through the six steps of the Total Truth Process. Remember to spend an equal amount of time on each step. This can be done alone by merely speaking to an empty chair, or you can practice it first and then actually confront the person, if it is safe to do so. If you would prefer, you can use the Total Truth Letter, which does not have to get mailed. Transcend the pain of your past and triumph!
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Clean Up Your Messes and Incompletes, Part II
I am not moving on today with new material from The Success Principles, because I'm trying to clean up my messes and deal with my incompletes. Like most Americans, I have been Christmas shopping, wrapping gifts, putting up outdoor lights, and decorating the tree. My house has been a wreck for days, but I'm getting closer to completing my Christmas preparations.
To take a break from the holiday madness, I went to a Healing Touch workshop this morning. Healing Touch teaches the use of intentional prayer/meditation to bring the power of the Holy Spirit up from the earth and into our hands. We can become conduits for God's healing by gently laying hands on people who are open to receiving it.
Today, we focused on learning how to release pain. Class members took turns receiving and giving Healing Touch. When it was my turn to receive, my arms and legs twitched constantly. The instructor assured us that this was normal when a person is releasing emotional pain.
I realized during class that Jack Canfield's directive to clean up our messes and incompletes was probably behind the emotional release that I experienced. I have had so much work to do in the area of forgiveness, and I have been letting go of a lot of old psychological pain over the past few months. Thanks to the help of a Healing Touch practitioner, I am finally beginning to understand how to forgive completely.
Tomorrow's Success Principle is, in my opinion, critical to every person's long-term success. For survivors of abuse and trauma, it is particularly important to pay close attention to Jack's lesson on forgiveness. We will be learning about how to complete the past so that we can embrace the future. Perhaps you can set aside a little extra quiet time for yourself tomorrow. I know you'll be glad that you did.
To take a break from the holiday madness, I went to a Healing Touch workshop this morning. Healing Touch teaches the use of intentional prayer/meditation to bring the power of the Holy Spirit up from the earth and into our hands. We can become conduits for God's healing by gently laying hands on people who are open to receiving it.
Today, we focused on learning how to release pain. Class members took turns receiving and giving Healing Touch. When it was my turn to receive, my arms and legs twitched constantly. The instructor assured us that this was normal when a person is releasing emotional pain.
I realized during class that Jack Canfield's directive to clean up our messes and incompletes was probably behind the emotional release that I experienced. I have had so much work to do in the area of forgiveness, and I have been letting go of a lot of old psychological pain over the past few months. Thanks to the help of a Healing Touch practitioner, I am finally beginning to understand how to forgive completely.
Tomorrow's Success Principle is, in my opinion, critical to every person's long-term success. For survivors of abuse and trauma, it is particularly important to pay close attention to Jack's lesson on forgiveness. We will be learning about how to complete the past so that we can embrace the future. Perhaps you can set aside a little extra quiet time for yourself tomorrow. I know you'll be glad that you did.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Clean Up Your Messes and Incompletes
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #28
Today, Jack addresses the problems that are created by incomplete projects in our lives. All projects include six steps:
1) decide to undertake the project,
2) plan the details,
3) start the work,
4) continue making progress,
5) finish the project, and
6) complete any loose ends.
Most of us fail to complete projects, which might include things such as thanking an employee for a job well-done, sewing a pom-pom on a hat we have knitted, hauling junk to Goodwill after cleaning out the garage, or forgiving the people who have hurt us to bring closure to our relationship. Failing to complete keeps us bound to our past, so that we're not free to fully embrace the present.
I must be the Queen of Incompletes. My garage is stacked from floor to ceiling with totes full of incomplete projects. If I actually sewed all of the fabric, knit all of the yarn, and put all of the photos in albums; I could park my car in the garage.
The Bible calls us to finish our work, just as Jack does. Colossians 4:17 reads, "See to it that you complete the work you have received in the Lord."
How do we manage all of the messes we have made? Jack offers some really helpful suggestions for getting rid of our incompletes.
Stop wasting your valuable 'attention units.'
We only have so many attention units: spaces in our minds where we must place things to be remembered. When we say yes to too many projects, we have fewer attention units to complete current tasks. As a result, work piles up. Over time, they become totes full of incompletes, like the ones in my garage.
Incompletes usually represent areas in our lives where we're not clear. Or they may indicate emotional or psychological blocks. Incompletes make us uncomfortable, so we avoid them. I realized that I have been avoiding sewing new patches onto an antique quilt, because I'm afraid that the owner will be dissatisfied with my stitching.
I have not brought closure to my relationship with my parents, because I'm unclear whether I have the right to tell them I don't want to see them anymore until they get healthy. Survivors of abuse struggle with the guilt of wishing to move on and feeling tied to their chaotic families.
Get into completion consciousness.
This section really hit home for me: 50 half-completed projects are equal to 20 completed ones. For as along as I can remember, I've had trouble finishing projects.
When I was in second grade, my mother was in the hospital. I wrote her a letter that reads, "Today, I finished all of my yesterday's work at school!"
Abuse and trauma can cause inattention, which lead to incompletes in our lives. The depression of PTSD often gets misdiagnosed as attention deficit disorder. If we are aware of this, we can address the underlying psychological issues that lead to incompletes in the first place.
Practice the 4 Ds of completion.
Jack reviews this common practice that many office managers share with their employees to keep work moving efficiently:
*Do it immediately.
*Delegate it to someone else and ask them to report that it's finished.
*Delay it and get back to it later. (This one gets me into trouble.)
*Dump it into the trash, the Goodwill bin, the garage sale.
By following these four Ds of completion, we can clear out a lot of clutter from our lives.
Make space for something new.
We can't have new things in our lives until we make space for them. This means that we have to clean up our hearts, our minds, and our homes. Jack suggests simple tasks, such as getting rid of clothes we haven't worn in over six months, cleaning out the attic full of useless items, and dumping everything from our 'junk drawer.'
If we're still grieving over a broken relationship, and we want a new one; we must clear the old hurts from our hearts before we can embrace the love of someone new.
Figure out what's irritating you.
As we go through our day, there are little things that annoy us and steal our peace. Jack recommends fixing, replacing, mending, or getting rid of irritants. We can walk through our home, our yard, our office, and even our community to observe what bothers us.
I am irritated by the cracked chimney flue that doesn't allow us to use our fireplace, the broken tiles in Joe's bathroom, and the brush overgrowing a tree in the front yard. These things annoy me the most, because I don't have the funds or the strength to deal with them. I can, however, set aside the money and make plans for someone else to take care of them later. Just listing them and knowing that I have a plan can help reduce the irritation that they cause.
Hire a professional organizer.
If you're seriously buried under mountains of incompletes, Jack suggests hiring a professional organizer. If you can't afford one, ask a friend to help. While I have heaps of incompletes in my own home, I am quite good at organizing other people's messes.
Today's Challenge
Make a list of 25 incompletes in your life that are holding you back from embracing the present. Include household messes, psychological junk, and over-commitments that you need to clear. Set aside a few hours this weekend to deal with three of them.
Today, Jack addresses the problems that are created by incomplete projects in our lives. All projects include six steps:
1) decide to undertake the project,
2) plan the details,
3) start the work,
4) continue making progress,
5) finish the project, and
6) complete any loose ends.
Most of us fail to complete projects, which might include things such as thanking an employee for a job well-done, sewing a pom-pom on a hat we have knitted, hauling junk to Goodwill after cleaning out the garage, or forgiving the people who have hurt us to bring closure to our relationship. Failing to complete keeps us bound to our past, so that we're not free to fully embrace the present.
I must be the Queen of Incompletes. My garage is stacked from floor to ceiling with totes full of incomplete projects. If I actually sewed all of the fabric, knit all of the yarn, and put all of the photos in albums; I could park my car in the garage.
The Bible calls us to finish our work, just as Jack does. Colossians 4:17 reads, "See to it that you complete the work you have received in the Lord."
How do we manage all of the messes we have made? Jack offers some really helpful suggestions for getting rid of our incompletes.
Stop wasting your valuable 'attention units.'
We only have so many attention units: spaces in our minds where we must place things to be remembered. When we say yes to too many projects, we have fewer attention units to complete current tasks. As a result, work piles up. Over time, they become totes full of incompletes, like the ones in my garage.
Incompletes usually represent areas in our lives where we're not clear. Or they may indicate emotional or psychological blocks. Incompletes make us uncomfortable, so we avoid them. I realized that I have been avoiding sewing new patches onto an antique quilt, because I'm afraid that the owner will be dissatisfied with my stitching.
I have not brought closure to my relationship with my parents, because I'm unclear whether I have the right to tell them I don't want to see them anymore until they get healthy. Survivors of abuse struggle with the guilt of wishing to move on and feeling tied to their chaotic families.
Get into completion consciousness.
This section really hit home for me: 50 half-completed projects are equal to 20 completed ones. For as along as I can remember, I've had trouble finishing projects.
When I was in second grade, my mother was in the hospital. I wrote her a letter that reads, "Today, I finished all of my yesterday's work at school!"
Abuse and trauma can cause inattention, which lead to incompletes in our lives. The depression of PTSD often gets misdiagnosed as attention deficit disorder. If we are aware of this, we can address the underlying psychological issues that lead to incompletes in the first place.
Practice the 4 Ds of completion.
Jack reviews this common practice that many office managers share with their employees to keep work moving efficiently:
*Do it immediately.
*Delegate it to someone else and ask them to report that it's finished.
*Delay it and get back to it later. (This one gets me into trouble.)
*Dump it into the trash, the Goodwill bin, the garage sale.
By following these four Ds of completion, we can clear out a lot of clutter from our lives.
Make space for something new.
We can't have new things in our lives until we make space for them. This means that we have to clean up our hearts, our minds, and our homes. Jack suggests simple tasks, such as getting rid of clothes we haven't worn in over six months, cleaning out the attic full of useless items, and dumping everything from our 'junk drawer.'
If we're still grieving over a broken relationship, and we want a new one; we must clear the old hurts from our hearts before we can embrace the love of someone new.
Figure out what's irritating you.
As we go through our day, there are little things that annoy us and steal our peace. Jack recommends fixing, replacing, mending, or getting rid of irritants. We can walk through our home, our yard, our office, and even our community to observe what bothers us.
I am irritated by the cracked chimney flue that doesn't allow us to use our fireplace, the broken tiles in Joe's bathroom, and the brush overgrowing a tree in the front yard. These things annoy me the most, because I don't have the funds or the strength to deal with them. I can, however, set aside the money and make plans for someone else to take care of them later. Just listing them and knowing that I have a plan can help reduce the irritation that they cause.
Hire a professional organizer.
If you're seriously buried under mountains of incompletes, Jack suggests hiring a professional organizer. If you can't afford one, ask a friend to help. While I have heaps of incompletes in my own home, I am quite good at organizing other people's messes.
Today's Challenge
Make a list of 25 incompletes in your life that are holding you back from embracing the present. Include household messes, psychological junk, and over-commitments that you need to clear. Set aside a few hours this weekend to deal with three of them.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Keep Your Eye on the Prize
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #27
Successful people remain focused on their past successes, not their failures. Their written goals keep their eyes trained on their next action steps, not on distractions.
Remember the most important 45 minutes of the day.
Jack asserts that the most productive time of day is the 45 minutes prior to falling asleep. Whatever we focus on during that time, our brains will work all night to help us internalize.
He points out that if we watch violent TV or the late night news just before nodding off, this is what our subconscious mind will re-play all night long. I agree with this assertion, because if I watch action-adventure movies with Joe right before bed, I have disturbing dreams all night. If we have been abused, just thinking about our abuser will lead us to dream about him.
Jack recommends spending those final 45 minutes quietly planning the following day's activities. We should review our goals book, read something inspiring, and meditate on something positive. When I do this, I do sleep better, and the following day goes more smoothly.
Practice the evening review.
Jack teaches us to sit with our eyes closed, breathe deeply, and ask God, "Show me where I could have been more ______________ today. The blank could include words, such as loving, effective, assertive, peaceful, and so on. We choose the word and then wait for the answer to this statement. In the quiet, God will speak to us and show us what to do better next time.
King David was considered a man after God's own heart. He wrote in Psalm 139:23-24, Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.Thousands of years ago, David was practicing this important exercise of daily review.
Keep a Daily Success Journal.
I went to www.thesuccessprinciples.com to download this form. Jack recommends utilizing it for 30 days. It is a chart with four headings:
-Success;
-Reason;
-Further Progress; and
-Next Action
He directs readers to fill out this form daily in order to monitor daily successes. He advocates this to help us develop greater self-esteem, which most of us lack.
If I were filling this out based on my activities yesterday, it would look like this:
-Success: I created a logo for my etsy shop, Hope Quilts of Ohio.
-Reason: The proceeds will help exploited girls in Pakistan learn to sew.
-Further Progress: Create business cards.
-Next Action: Go to office supply to order cards.
If we do this activity every day, it creates momentum in our lives. It's hard to ignore the next action when we've spelled out why this is important to us.
I really feel compassion for young Pakistani girls who have become bonded servants, toiling in the scorching sun all day to make bricks. The men who oversee their work sexually abuse them. With my help, a missionary can buy the brick girls their freedom, keep them safe, and teach them how to sew to make a living. Their lives will be forever transformed by the money I send.
Create your ideal day the night before.
I have been practicing this habit for the past few weeks, and I can attest that it works quite well. Before going to sleep, Jack teaches us to visualize our upcoming day. I have been thinking about everything flowing smoothly: the car runs like a top, traffic is light, parking spaces are easy to find, the grocery clerk is efficient, everyone I meet is pleasant.
While we sleep, our subconscious mind goes to work to create our ideal day, just as we have imagined it. Consider what chaos we create for ourselves when we lie in bed, imagining the worst for the following day. Remember, we attract what we think about.
Today's Challenge
Go to www.thesuccessprinciples.com and download the Daily Success Journal. Write down one success, the reason you believe this is important to you, further progress that needs to occur, and your next action.
Complete the evening review tonight, asking God to show you how you can do better next time. And remember to visualize a terrific tomorrow before you fall asleep!
Successful people remain focused on their past successes, not their failures. Their written goals keep their eyes trained on their next action steps, not on distractions.
Remember the most important 45 minutes of the day.
Jack asserts that the most productive time of day is the 45 minutes prior to falling asleep. Whatever we focus on during that time, our brains will work all night to help us internalize.
He points out that if we watch violent TV or the late night news just before nodding off, this is what our subconscious mind will re-play all night long. I agree with this assertion, because if I watch action-adventure movies with Joe right before bed, I have disturbing dreams all night. If we have been abused, just thinking about our abuser will lead us to dream about him.
Jack recommends spending those final 45 minutes quietly planning the following day's activities. We should review our goals book, read something inspiring, and meditate on something positive. When I do this, I do sleep better, and the following day goes more smoothly.
Practice the evening review.
Jack teaches us to sit with our eyes closed, breathe deeply, and ask God, "Show me where I could have been more ______________ today. The blank could include words, such as loving, effective, assertive, peaceful, and so on. We choose the word and then wait for the answer to this statement. In the quiet, God will speak to us and show us what to do better next time.
King David was considered a man after God's own heart. He wrote in Psalm 139:23-24, Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.Thousands of years ago, David was practicing this important exercise of daily review.
Keep a Daily Success Journal.
I went to www.thesuccessprinciples.com to download this form. Jack recommends utilizing it for 30 days. It is a chart with four headings:
-Success;
-Reason;
-Further Progress; and
-Next Action
He directs readers to fill out this form daily in order to monitor daily successes. He advocates this to help us develop greater self-esteem, which most of us lack.
If I were filling this out based on my activities yesterday, it would look like this:
-Success: I created a logo for my etsy shop, Hope Quilts of Ohio.
-Reason: The proceeds will help exploited girls in Pakistan learn to sew.
-Further Progress: Create business cards.
-Next Action: Go to office supply to order cards.
If we do this activity every day, it creates momentum in our lives. It's hard to ignore the next action when we've spelled out why this is important to us.
I really feel compassion for young Pakistani girls who have become bonded servants, toiling in the scorching sun all day to make bricks. The men who oversee their work sexually abuse them. With my help, a missionary can buy the brick girls their freedom, keep them safe, and teach them how to sew to make a living. Their lives will be forever transformed by the money I send.
Create your ideal day the night before.
I have been practicing this habit for the past few weeks, and I can attest that it works quite well. Before going to sleep, Jack teaches us to visualize our upcoming day. I have been thinking about everything flowing smoothly: the car runs like a top, traffic is light, parking spaces are easy to find, the grocery clerk is efficient, everyone I meet is pleasant.
While we sleep, our subconscious mind goes to work to create our ideal day, just as we have imagined it. Consider what chaos we create for ourselves when we lie in bed, imagining the worst for the following day. Remember, we attract what we think about.
Today's Challenge
Go to www.thesuccessprinciples.com and download the Daily Success Journal. Write down one success, the reason you believe this is important to you, further progress that needs to occur, and your next action.
Complete the evening review tonight, asking God to show you how you can do better next time. And remember to visualize a terrific tomorrow before you fall asleep!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Acknowledge Your Positive Past
Jack Canfield's Success Principle #26
Most of us were raised by parents and teachers who paid far more attention to our failings than to our successes. Our brains are wired to remember things that are closely associated to strong emotions. The shame or fear that adults instilled in us brought about powerful feelings of failure. We remember those well.
If we want to re-progrgam our minds to forget these negative feelings, we must consciously focus on and celebrate our successes. Jack Canfield offers some helpful exercises for improving self-esteem in today's lesson.
Use the poker chip theory of self-esteem and success.
Unless we begin to celebrate our successes, our self-esteem will remain low. Think about the game of poker, where the players must place bets. If you have only 5 chips, and I have 200, I'll probably have greater confidence and take more risks than you will. I can make forty 5-chip bets before I'm out. You can only make one.
This poker-chip theory applies to our self-esteem. If we have very little self-esteem, we won't take risks. We'll bow out of opportunities just to save face. But if we have 200 poker chips worth of self-esteem, we'll stick out your necks and risk feeling a little uncomfortable.
Begin by listing 9 major successes.
To help raise our self-esteem, we can begin to make an inventory of our major successes. Divide your life into three equal time periods. Then, list three successes you've had for each time period. My list looks like this:
Birth to 17
1. Sewed my first dress at the age of nine
2. Won the leading lady's role in our community theater
3. Got accepted to the University of Michigan
Age 18 to 34
1. Published my first book
2. Gave birth to three healthy babies
3. Earned a bachelor's and a master's degree
Age 35 to 50
1. Wrote a biography in 42 days
2. Set myself free from my abusive spouse
3. Landed a job as a magazine editor
Create a Victory Log.
A powerful way to increase our self-esteem is to create a Victory Log. We can recall and write down our successes each day. Later, we can re-read them to boost our self-confidence. Jack suggests expanding this list to 101 accomplishments. This can be difficult, but as our self-esteem improves, our memories of positive experiences will, too.
Display your success symbols.
Another way to build our self-esteem is to surround ourselves with symbols of our success. Last week, I hung a collection of framed objects over my desk. These include my diplomas, the cover of my first two books, and the cover of the magazine I edited. It also includes a painting I recently completed and a photo of a dock overlooking a lake.
This technique works on our subconscious mind to program us into believing that we are winners. It also conveys that message to others who see what we have accomplished.
Practice the mirror exercise daily.
The mirror exercise is designed to provide us with acknowledgement for our daily successes. Just before going to bed, stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself out loud how proud you are for any achievements you can claim, any personal disciplines you kept, and any temptations that you did not give in to.
Jack explains that this exercise can actually make people so uncomfortable that they break out in hives, sweat profusely, or feel nauseated. It makes most people feel silly, embarrassed, or uncomfortable at first. We are taught that we should never toot our own horn, become a stuffed shirt, or get a swelled head.
This exercise is designed to counteract the old parental wounds, unrealistic expectations, and self-judgements that we've been carrying around for years. Jack recommends doing the mirror exercise each night for 90 days. After that, we can decide whether or not we want to continue it.
Reward your inner child.
Each of us is made up of three distinct ego states: parent, adult, and child. The adult ego gathers data and makes logical decisions. It helps us remember appointments, figure out taxes, and balance the checkbook.
Our parent ego tells us to do the things according to its critical standards. These things include tasks such as brushing our teeth, meeting deadlines, and finishing projects. The parent ego also has a nurturing side that lets us know we're protected, well cared for, and loved. It ackowledges us when we do a good job.
Our child ego whines, begs for attention, craves hugs, and acts out when it doesn't get its way. Most of us ignore our inner child's needs, because we are still trying to measure up to our perfectionistic parents' standards.
We can regularly reward our child ego for its accomplishments: for sitting quietly at a desk until a job is done, finishing a task on time, avoiding temptations, and so on. Rewards for our inner child might include reading a novel, going to the movies, playing with a friend, listening to music, or dancing.
For those of us who grew up with abusive parents, our parent ego often reminds us that we are failures. My friend told me this week that she gets nervous whenever someone watches her performing a task that she feels should be done to exacting standards. She realizes that this unfounded fear comes from her father's emotional abuse, but she still struggles to measure up to his perfectisionistic demands.
If we have suffered abuse, we can remember that our heavenly Father loves us very much. Even if our earthly parents failed to make us feel loved and appreciated, God can satisfy our longings. Psalm 13:5 reads, But I trust in your unfailing love. We can turn to God's Word regularly to remind our child egos that we are special and very much appreciated.
Today's Challenge
1. Write your nine major successes. Expand it to include 101 successes.
2. Start making entries in your Victory Log.
3. Practice the mirror exercise.
4. Reward your inner child today for a job well-done.
Most of us were raised by parents and teachers who paid far more attention to our failings than to our successes. Our brains are wired to remember things that are closely associated to strong emotions. The shame or fear that adults instilled in us brought about powerful feelings of failure. We remember those well.
If we want to re-progrgam our minds to forget these negative feelings, we must consciously focus on and celebrate our successes. Jack Canfield offers some helpful exercises for improving self-esteem in today's lesson.
Use the poker chip theory of self-esteem and success.
Unless we begin to celebrate our successes, our self-esteem will remain low. Think about the game of poker, where the players must place bets. If you have only 5 chips, and I have 200, I'll probably have greater confidence and take more risks than you will. I can make forty 5-chip bets before I'm out. You can only make one.
This poker-chip theory applies to our self-esteem. If we have very little self-esteem, we won't take risks. We'll bow out of opportunities just to save face. But if we have 200 poker chips worth of self-esteem, we'll stick out your necks and risk feeling a little uncomfortable.
Begin by listing 9 major successes.
To help raise our self-esteem, we can begin to make an inventory of our major successes. Divide your life into three equal time periods. Then, list three successes you've had for each time period. My list looks like this:
Birth to 17
1. Sewed my first dress at the age of nine
2. Won the leading lady's role in our community theater
3. Got accepted to the University of Michigan
Age 18 to 34
1. Published my first book
2. Gave birth to three healthy babies
3. Earned a bachelor's and a master's degree
Age 35 to 50
1. Wrote a biography in 42 days
2. Set myself free from my abusive spouse
3. Landed a job as a magazine editor
Create a Victory Log.
A powerful way to increase our self-esteem is to create a Victory Log. We can recall and write down our successes each day. Later, we can re-read them to boost our self-confidence. Jack suggests expanding this list to 101 accomplishments. This can be difficult, but as our self-esteem improves, our memories of positive experiences will, too.
Display your success symbols.
Another way to build our self-esteem is to surround ourselves with symbols of our success. Last week, I hung a collection of framed objects over my desk. These include my diplomas, the cover of my first two books, and the cover of the magazine I edited. It also includes a painting I recently completed and a photo of a dock overlooking a lake.
This technique works on our subconscious mind to program us into believing that we are winners. It also conveys that message to others who see what we have accomplished.
Practice the mirror exercise daily.
The mirror exercise is designed to provide us with acknowledgement for our daily successes. Just before going to bed, stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself out loud how proud you are for any achievements you can claim, any personal disciplines you kept, and any temptations that you did not give in to.
Jack explains that this exercise can actually make people so uncomfortable that they break out in hives, sweat profusely, or feel nauseated. It makes most people feel silly, embarrassed, or uncomfortable at first. We are taught that we should never toot our own horn, become a stuffed shirt, or get a swelled head.
This exercise is designed to counteract the old parental wounds, unrealistic expectations, and self-judgements that we've been carrying around for years. Jack recommends doing the mirror exercise each night for 90 days. After that, we can decide whether or not we want to continue it.
Reward your inner child.
Each of us is made up of three distinct ego states: parent, adult, and child. The adult ego gathers data and makes logical decisions. It helps us remember appointments, figure out taxes, and balance the checkbook.
Our parent ego tells us to do the things according to its critical standards. These things include tasks such as brushing our teeth, meeting deadlines, and finishing projects. The parent ego also has a nurturing side that lets us know we're protected, well cared for, and loved. It ackowledges us when we do a good job.
Our child ego whines, begs for attention, craves hugs, and acts out when it doesn't get its way. Most of us ignore our inner child's needs, because we are still trying to measure up to our perfectionistic parents' standards.
We can regularly reward our child ego for its accomplishments: for sitting quietly at a desk until a job is done, finishing a task on time, avoiding temptations, and so on. Rewards for our inner child might include reading a novel, going to the movies, playing with a friend, listening to music, or dancing.
For those of us who grew up with abusive parents, our parent ego often reminds us that we are failures. My friend told me this week that she gets nervous whenever someone watches her performing a task that she feels should be done to exacting standards. She realizes that this unfounded fear comes from her father's emotional abuse, but she still struggles to measure up to his perfectisionistic demands.
If we have suffered abuse, we can remember that our heavenly Father loves us very much. Even if our earthly parents failed to make us feel loved and appreciated, God can satisfy our longings. Psalm 13:5 reads, But I trust in your unfailing love. We can turn to God's Word regularly to remind our child egos that we are special and very much appreciated.
Today's Challenge
1. Write your nine major successes. Expand it to include 101 successes.
2. Start making entries in your Victory Log.
3. Practice the mirror exercise.
4. Reward your inner child today for a job well-done.
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