Your Top Ten Fears

This week, we begin a new series about gaining confidence. I have titled it Confident in God's Hands. Today, I would like to consider what we fear the most, because we cannot develop greater confidence as long as fear reigns supreme in our lives.

Mankind's Top 10 Fears
I looked online at lists of fears that other writers and scientists have compiled. To my surprise, some of my fears didn't make the top 10 list. And some things that terrorize the average person don't bother me in the least.

For example, I'm afraid of running through poison ivy, probably because I'm so allergic to it that it causes breathing difficulties. Poision ivy wasn't even on any of the lists I reviewed.

On the other hand, I could care less about finding a spider in my bathtub or bed. Creepy crawlers that would make most men scream like little girls don't scare me at all. And yet, fear of spiders is on most of the top 10 lists.

What scares you the most?
What are you afraid of? Death? Public speaking? Or maybe snakes and sharks? I would really like to know what your top 10 fears are. Please use the comment section below to send me your top 10 phobias. If you receive my blog via email, just send me a reply. At the end of the week, I'll reveal my readers' most common fears. Don't worry, I won't identify you!

Today's Challenge
Sit quietly today for a few minutes and write down in your journal what your top 10 fears are. No matter how silly they may seem, write them down. Over the course of the next four weeks, we'll work on eliminating or reducing the impact of as many of your fears as we can.

Control Your Emotions

It's hard to believe that we have arrived at the last day of my nine-week series on the fruit of the Spirit, Thriving in God's Garden. We conclude with a look at learning better self-control over our emotions.

Are your emotions controlling you?
Proverbs 14:30 (MSG) tells us, A sound mind makes for a robust body, but runaway emotions corrode the bones. In other words, if we allow our emotions to control us, they will affect every aspect of our lives, including our health.

Are your emotions controlling you? Does depression prevent you from enjoying activities with your mate and family? Is anxiety robbing you of the joys most people experience? Read on to discover how to turn off these negative emotions and tap into the joy God desires for all of us.

Abuse and trauma make us pessimistic.
Negative emotions, such as fear, anxiety, anger, depression, and hopelessness can take over our minds if we are not careful. As survivors of childhood abuse or trauma, we have learned these negative feelings as a result of our pain.

Abuse or trauma causes our brains to instantly respond negatively to everything we encounter, because we have been programmed to expect the worst. By anticipating the worst, we were empowered during the abuse or trauma to survive. This survival instinct is not necessary in everyday life where abuse and trauma are no longer present, but many of us never figure out how to lose our negativity and become like normal people again.

Trauma changes our perceptions.
Joe often teases me, because he says I can look at any situation and see the worst possible outcome. This is very true, and it has served me well as a mystery/suspense author. My twisted view of people allows me to create sociopaths in my novels who find inventive ways to torment and kill others.

But the down side of such a pessimistic outlook is that it can create anxiety and depression if I'm not careful. I must constantly reframe every reaction I have and put a positive spin on it.

Let me give you an example. If someone announces that they're adopting a child, my immediate thought process goes something like this: They're fools. The adoption agency has lied to them about the kid's mental and physical state. They're going to wind up with more trouble than the kid will be worth.

This jaded view of adoption evolved within my mind after Joe and I adopted eight-year-old twins from Ethiopia. They had disrupted a previous adoption, and we were told by the adoption agency that they were very normal little girls who had simply been placed in the wrong home.

It became apparent within just a few weeks that these two broken little souls were beyond repair. We spent all of our free time for nearly two years in hospitals and psychologists' offices, trying to figure out how to cope. My life became a waking nightmare, as each of the twins tried to commit suicide in order to escape the love of our family. In the end, we had to place them in a group home for children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD).

Our issues with the twins represent a very tiny percentage of adoption outcomes. But the experience was so traumatic that it left me with a warped perception of what adoption generally means to people.

We must control our emotions.
I must constantly reframe my emotions from the negative to the positive. My knee-jerk reaction to news of an adoption is always negative. But, I have learned through cognitive restructuring to tell myself that not all adoptions end badly.

I remind myself to look for the positives in the situation, such as the joy of parenting when it has been impossible, and the comfort of having parents forever. By taking control of what I am thinking and replacing negative reactions with a more positive outlook, I can find joy in situations that used to cause nothing but despair.

Look to God for hope.
The best cure for negative emotions that I have found is the Bible. God makes promises in every chapter to love us, provide for us, and guide us. But it's hard to believe such encouraging news if we don't read it for ourselves on a regular basis.

My favorite chapter is Psalm 91. Whenever my emotions are out of control, and anxiety or depression are fogging my mind, I look to these words of comfort. God promises to protect me from disease and my enemies. He assures me that his angels will always guard me. No matter how much trouble I encounter, God will always be there to bless me with long life and the promise of eternity in heaven with him.

Who could possibly remain under the control of willy-nilly emotions after reading something so comforting? There is power in God's Word...power to overcome the negative emotions that threaten to steal our joy...power to uplift our spirits and leave us feeling confident that life is good.

Coming next
Thank you for joining me for the past nine weeks. We will begin a new series on Tuesday about overcoming our fears and growing more confident. It is titled, Confident in God's Hands.

Today's Challenge
Are you a pessimist or an optimist? If your emotions are wreaking havoc on your life, take control of your thoughts today. Stop yourself when negative thoughts creep in. Ask yourself where they originated, and then replace them with more logical thinking. Read God's Word daily to remind yourself of the blessings that await you.

Take Control of Your Time

We are learning this week about how to develop greater self-control as part of my series, Thriving in God's Garden. It is based on the fruit of the Spirit, which can be found in Galatians 5:22. Today, I would like to address the issue of time management.

Time can be a heavy burden.
I don't think I've ever met any active adult who tells me that they have too much time on their hands. Children may claim to be bored, and the elderly may feel the hours dragging in the loneliness of nursing homes, but the rest of us never seem to be able to keep up with all of the demands made upon us in the limited hours we have to work each day.

King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 3:1 (NIV), There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Since this Biblical truth applies to all of us, it stands to reason that we should all be figuring out how to best manage our time to carry out the activities that God has planned for us.

Time can become a heavy burden if we don't make daily plans to use it wisely. We can either fritter it away or fill it with too many activities. Both extremes will leave us feeling dissatisfied at the end of the day.

Take control of time, or it will control you.
I have found that the best way to manage my time is to chart out my day the night before. I make a list of all the things I need to do at home, the errands I need to run, and the phone calls I must make. Before I go to sleep, I put my list in order and note a time frame for completing each task.

While I'm sleeping, my mind is working on tomorrow's tasks. When I do this, I find myself waking up with an answer to a question, or I dream about characters and plot twists for my novels.

Live by your list.
Writing a list the night before makes the entire day flow more smoothly. I live by my list, checking off each task and bearing in mind how much time I have remaining before I must move on to the next one.

I rarely leave home without my list. If I forget to take it with me, I inevitaby wander aimlessly through stores, unaware of the time or of the list of tasks that need to be accomplished.

Perhaps all of this list-making sounds a bit controlling. Maybe some of you prefer to live more vicariously in the moment. That's great, provided you actually get anything accomplished.

I suffered a closed-head injury a number of years ago that left me with deficits in the area of the brain that governs management of numerous tasks. Without my lists, I'm lost. Many people who suffer from ADHD or PTSD have similar issues with time management.

But I don't see this need for lists as a stumbling block in my life. In fact, I'm glad that God allowed me to brain myself. At the end of the day, I can look at my lists and feel really terrific about all that I've accomplished. Without my lists, I can't remember what I've done.

If I keep my lists in a journal, I have a long record of how I filled my days. I enjoy going back through my journals to see that I actually did something worthwhile with my time.

Expect interruptions and delays.
If you've ever flown on a jet, you know that there are often delays which can leave you stranded in airports or hotels in strange cities far from home. Like airline delays, our daily schedules can be delayed by numerous interruptions, such as phone calls, requests for help from friends, the dog running off, or a kid scraping a knee.

If we plan extra margins of time around all of our scheduled activities, we will arrive at the end of the day feeling less stressed. In other words, if we think it will take an hour to do the grocery shopping, we should plan to take an hour and a half, just in case the clerk is slow, traffic is backed up, or we spend too long selecting a birthday card or trying on clothes.

Prioritize your tasks.
For those of us who are over-achievers, the habit of making lists can get us into trouble. I may go into the kitchen to write a grocery list, and I wind up making a separate list of all the things in the room that need attention...the knife drawer needs cleaning out, the curtains need washing, the light bulb is burned out, and so on. That leads me to the next room, and the next, until I've got a fistful of lists, each several pages long. How do I get all of this done in one day?

The answer is that I don't! I must decide whether it is more important to wash the curtains or to buy groceries. If I don't have time today to do both, I can set aside my kitchen-maintenance list until another day when I have fewer demands on my time.

Learn to say NO!
Many people feel harassed by the clock, because they don't know how to say no. Every time someone makes a request of their time, they say yes. At first, they feel good about themselves, because they are helping someone else. But after a while, they begin to resent people asking for help. They develop burn-out in their careers, their volunteer work, and their marriages, simply because they say yes to everything.

If you're stretched too thin because you've agreed to help everyone who has ever asked you, start backing out of some of your commitments. Remind yourself that you're giving another person the opportunity to be helpful in your place, and you're making a better life for yourself.

Live on your own time one day every week.
I believe it is imperative for all of us to carve out a little time each week to just be. When Joe and I first got married, we used to go to a park after church and lie down on a blanket. We listened to the children laughing on the playground, watched the clouds floating by overhead, or closed our eyes and snoozed. This habit really helped us to recharge our batteries for the week ahead.

God commands us to rest on the Lord's day, and I believe there is great wisdom in following this law. Rest isn't just about sleeping. It's about forgetting the time, the lists, and all of the responsibilities that belong to the rest of the week.

Today's Challenge
How are you doing with time management? Are you making lists, planning your time, working your list, providing extra margins of time for interruptions, prioritizing tasks, resistng the urge to over-commit, and resting one day each week? Try following these suggestions next week and send me a comment to let me know if this helps you to be more self-controlled.

Control Your Sexuality

We are learning about self-control this week in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, we will be considering what it means to be self-controlled when it comes to our sexuality.

When is it okay to have sex?
The Bible gives us some very clear directions about our sexuality. The apostle Paul had a lot to say about it in I Corinthians 7 (MSG). Paul wrote, First, is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.

This passages shows us plainly that God designed us to have healthy sex drives. However, they are to be used only within the context of marriage. When we choose to become sexually involved with someone of the same sex or a person who is not our spouse, we create sexual disorder.

When should we say no to sex?
When we understand that marriage is the only place for sex, it's pretty easy to figure out when to say no. If our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, neighbors, or anyone else approaches us for sex, the answer should always be no.

In rare instances, we are permitted to tell our spouses that we are not interested in sex. The apostle Paul wrote, The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.

Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

What if we don't wish to marry?
So many young women who have been sexually abused struggle with the pressures that society puts on them to find a husband. They are still so confused about their sexuality, and they often rush into relationships that merely replicate the abuse of their past. It is far better to remain single than to marry for the wrong reasons.

On the other hand, God has instilled in each of us a powerful desire for sex. If we have no marriage partner, we may get ourselves into trouble when our desires override our common sense.

The apostle Paul never married, and he told the people of the early church, Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.

I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

God defines who you are.
Paul concluded this chapter with some comforting thoughts. He wrote, And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.

So, whether you are married or single right now is God's desire for you. Remember that following him defines who you are much more powerfully than your marital status. Love him, and you'll find that you are better able to love the spouse that you have or to find that special someone you've been waiting for all your life.

Today's Challenge
Are you using your sexuality appropriately within the confines of marriage? If not, resolve today to get back in line with God's way of looking at the sexual side of you. If you're still single, keep your eyes and heart on God's leading in your life. Eventually, the right person will come alongside you.

Control Your Appetite

We are learning about self-control this week in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. This is a study of the fruit of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22. Today, I would like to talk about appetite control.

You are what you eat.
This catchy slogan came out years ago, and I think it's very appropriate. When we eat nutrient-dense foods that are organic and fresh, we feel energized. In contrast, when we eat dead foods that are full of chemicals, we feel sluggish and can't think straight.

It is relatively easy for me to exercise self-control in my diet, because the consequences of eating improperly are immediate and painful. I am so allergic to some foods that I experience bizarre symptoms within minutes of ingesting them, such as temporary hearing loss, muscle weakness, or even paralysis.

Most people do not have such a great built-in self-control system. It is difficult for them to watch what they eat, because food provides them with pleasure, comfort, or relief from boredom or stress. I understand the challenge of over-eating, because I did not have these health issues when I was younger.

Dieting is not a lifestyle.
Most overweight people believe that diets work. They do not. The word diet makes us envision a time of self-denial, after which, we will go back to our normal eating routines.

The trouble with this mindset is that it simply creates a yo-yo effect. We diet, we lose weight, we go back to our old habits of eating, we gain the weight back (and then some), and the cycle begins again. What we need is a lifestyle change, not a diet.

Instead of thinking of temporary dieting breaks from our usual eating habits, we must consider a change in lifestyle. This means learning as much as we can about how food affects our health, and then making up our minds to eat only what produces better health.

Our country is experiencing an epidemic of health issues, such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and cancer. Joe sees people dying every day from these illnesses, and they aren't always elderly. In fact, it is shocking to see how many people in their 30s and 40s are dying from easily preventable diseases. If we understand that our diet is hurting us, we will be better motivated to make lasting changes.

Start with prayer.
I could not figure out for decades why food made me feel so awful. I began praying that God would provide answers. He immediately led me to this Bible verse: When you sit down to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. (Prov 23:1-2 NIV)

Immediately, I became aware of the fact that God views overeating as something so wrong, it would be better for me to slit my throat than to stuff my face. This verse also showed me the importance of noting what I eat.

Find an accountability partner.
If we want to develop any self-control, we must find ourselves an accountability partner. When trying to change our eating habits, or any other habit, this is a critical step to achieving success. An accountability partner can keep us on track and provide a sounding board when we are struggling.

I found it helpful when I was overweight to attend Weight Watchers meetings. They taught me the importance of combining exercise with a sensible diet, and I reached my weight-loss goal with the leaders' help.

Get a thorough check-up with a qualified physician.
Many people starve themselves, exercise, and keep a record of everything they eat; and they still don't lose weight. When I turned 50, this described me. No matter how little I ate or how much I exercised, I just kept gaining weight. Getting a check-up with a physician who specializes in metabolic disorders is vital if this describes you.

When I took the time to consult with a metabolic specialist, I finally figured out what was wrong. My thyroid function was low, but my primary care phyisican had not been able to detect the problem with the standard blood tests. The metabolic specialist knew how to look for a number of underlying issues that most doctors miss. Within weeks of taking a natural thyroid replacement, I began losing weight.

You see, our bodies run like clockwork if our naturally-occurring chemicals are in balance. However, if the adrenal glands, thyroid, pituitary glands, or sex hormones are out of whack, we can gain weight. No amount of self-control will be effective if our chemistry is off.

Hire a dietician who understands metabolism.
We have all spent good money on diet pills, health club memberships, and exercise equipment. But I think the best money spent is to hire a dietician who works under the direction of a metabolic specialist.

I visited with a dietician twice, and it was the best money I have ever spent. I figured out that even the healthy foods I was eating created cravings for more. The dietician taught me how to eat properly to reduce food cravings.

I can't emphasize enough how important this step is. If our bodies are receiving the proper foods at the right times of day, we will not have to worry about self-control! The cravings disappear.

One of the finest metabolic specialists in the United States works right here in Cincinnati, Ohio. Dr. James LaValle created the LaValle Metabolic Institute to help people far and wide with their weight problems. You can contact the Institute at www.lmihealth.com.

Get moving!
One of the most important components of appetite control is exercise. If we are moving, our bodies are circulating important natural chemicals more efficiently. Our mood gets elevated, and we have more energy.

Exercise doesn't have to be drudgery. When I was attending Weight Watchers, I had very little time to devote to an exercise routine at a gym. I was raising three young children at the time, so I decided to combine childcare with exercise.

I bought a trailer for my bike, put my daughter in it, and pedaled for miles every day with my sons. Biking worked like a charm to take off the weight, and I had fun with my kids.

Today's Challenge
Are you a yo-yo dieter? If you're struggling to control what you eat, ask God for answers, find an accountability partner, get a thorough check-up with a metabolic specialist, consult with a dietician, and get moving. These tools will all help you to develop greater self-control over your appetite.

Self-Control Protects Us From Evil

This week marks the last of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study has been based on the fruit of the Spirit, which is found in Galatians 5:22: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. We conclude with five lessons about self-control.

Don't leave yourself open to evil.
Proverbs 25:28 (MSG) reads, A person without self-control is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out. What does this mean?

In recent weeks, an F-5 tornado raced across the southern and midwestern United States, leaving a path of destruction in its mile-wide wake. Joe and I drove through some of the areas that were hit, and we were shocked by the devastation. At one exit along the interstate, enormous commercial buildings were missing roofs, windows, and walls.

Consider how vulnerable a building is without its roof, doors, or windows. Looters can steal merchandise from inside, rain can cause further damage, and wild animals can take up residence there. It is completely unprotected.

Like a building with its doors and windows missing, we can open ourselves up to all kinds of evil if we lack self-control. This week, we will be looking into what happens when we fail to control our appetites, our sex drives, our daily routines, and our emotions.

God is our best ally when learning self-control.
My greatest challenge in the area of self-control is my tongue. I tend to talk far more than I listen. Maybe that's why I feel compelled to write so many words every day!

No matter what challenges us, God can help. We can pray that he will show us areas of our lives that are out of control. Being blind to our faults can be problematic, particularly if we are always focused on others' flaws.

We can also pray that God will teach us to develop greater self-control. Doing this makes us more mindful of the things that we need to change, and it gives God opportunities to put us in situations where we will need to exercise self-control.

Today's Challenge
Consider what it means to you to be self-controlled. Ask God to show you where you need to improve, and then in your journal, write down instances when you failed to exercise self-control. Pray for opportunities to exhibit greater self-control the next time a similar situation arises.

Prayer for Victims of Abuse

I would like to conclude this week's thoughts about gentleness with a prayer from Psalm 109 (CEV). Many of you reading this may still be dealing with abusive people or bullies, and I would like to encourage you to turn to God for strength. Harsh words from our enemies can leave lasting wounds, but God's gentleness toward us can bring us renewed strength.

Psalm 109:1-5; 21-31 reads,

I praise you, God! Don't keep silent.
Destructive and deceitful lies are told about me,
and hateful things are said for no reason.
I had pity and prayed for my enemies,
but their words to me were harsh and cruel.
For being friendly and kind,
they paid me back with meanness and hatred.

Be true to your name, LORD God!
Show your great kindness and rescue me.
I am poor and helpless, and I have lost all hope.
I am fading away like an evening shadow;
I am tossed aside like a crawling insect.
I have gone without eating until my knees are weak,
and my body is bony.
When my enemies see me, they say cruel things
and shake their heads.
Please help me, LORD God!
Come and save me because of your love.
Let others know that you alone have saved me.
I don't care if they curse me, as long as you bless me.
You will make my enemies fail when they attack,
and you will make me glad to be your servant.
You will cover them with shame, just as their bodies
are covered with clothes.
I will sing your praises and thank you, LORD,
when your people meet.
You help everyone in need,
and you defend them when they are on trial.

I can remember reading through the Psalms over and over when I was mired in an abusive relationship. God's Word brought me comfort then, because he gave me hope that things would be different.

God answered my prayers and brought me out of that miserable life as a victim of abuse. Today when I read this, I focus more on the praises than on the pleas for help. God has been so good to me, and I pray that his goodness and gentleness will bring you peace, too.

Next week, we will conclude this series, Thriving in God's Garden, with lessons about how to achieve greater self-control. I hope you'll join me as we search for ways to develop the fruit of the Spirit.