So many abused women beat themselves up for not being able to love spouses who do things daily to hurt them. God did not create us so that we could be treated like prickly weeds that our men can trample underfoot. The Lord designed us to be like beautiful roses, capable of giving immeasurable love to our men.
The love between a husband and wife can be compared to plant photosynthesis, which involves three phases: 1) Light Absorption, 2) Carbon Fixation, and 3) Water Splitting.
In the Light Absorption Phase, plants take in sunlight to make energy. As humans, we can absorb God's love to create spiritual energy within ourselves.
During the Carbon Fixation Phase, plants use the energy from the sun's light to form compounds, such as starch, to sustain life. Plant starch helps the plant to grow, but it also sustains any animal that eats it. We can internalize God's love to grow stronger as individuals who are well-equipped to provide life-giving energy to our spouses.
In the Water Splitting Phase, plants split water particles. They use the carbon dioxide that people and animals give off and combine it with the oxygen in water to make more plant starch and oxygen. Animals and humans use the plants' oxygen to support their bodies; then they breathe out the carbon dioxide that plants will need. As you can see, plants and animals co-exist in a relationship that is mutually beneficial.
If women can be compared to plants in this Water Splitting Phase, we receive our marital 'carbon dioxide' through the attentions that our husbands give us. The hours that our spouses spend with us is as necessary to us as water is to plants. We need plenty of his time and undivided attention to take in the life-giving energy of our husband's affections, his romantic advances, and his appreciation for the countless tasks we complete for him every day. We need to know that he will always be there for us to provide more than just material things. We need him to be emotionally involved in our lives to such an extent that neither of us would want to survive without the other.
Often, neglectful or over-working husbands believe that buying their wives shinier baubles or bigger houses or bouquets of flowers will make them happy. This is as silly as thinking that pouring fertilizer on a plant and cutting off its water supply will make it flourish. A neglected wife weighed down with diamonds and expensive clothes will wilt as quickly as an over-fertilized plant will.
If men can be compared to the animals in the symbiotic relationship between the sexes, women must give them the life-sustaining 'oxygen' that they need: our respect. We must praise them for a job well-done and brag about their accomplishments to our friends. We need to refrain from unnecessary criticism and get out of the way when our husbands decide to tackle a project that will boost their confidence. Above all, our man needs to feel like a hero who is capable of protecting us through all kinds of adventures and adversity.
A man who is living as God has called him to do will easily earn our respect through his actions. Wives who adore their husbands are often married to men who work hard at earning respect on their jobs, in their communities, and at home. A husband who is absent, rude, selfish, controlling, or abusive may never gain his wife's respect.
Women in relationships with controlling or neglectful men often mistakenly assume that if they keep the house cleaner, lose more weight, manage the children's activities better, or achieve perfection in every way possible; their spouses will suddenly express romantic love and appreciation. This is as ridiculous as pouring gallons of water onto a plant and expecting it to bear delicious fruit. These over-zealous wives will most likely kill themselves and their dried-up relationships by giving away too much energy.
We may not be able to salvage a nearly dead marriage, just as we may not be able to restore a plant with crackly yellow leaves. Many of us have tried to 'fix' our husbands so that the relationship will work. Sometimes, we must face the facts: if he has neglected us for years in spite of our crying out, it is going to take far more than our nagging or perfectionism to make him change. There may even come a time when we must admit that, like a dead plant, there is no resurrecting a lifeless marriage.
If we are involved with a mate who seriously neglects our needs while demanding everything from us, we can follow three steps to restore our spiritual and emotional strength.
First, we can turn to the only source of true love for renewal. If we have allowed a spouse to drain us of all energy reserves, we must look to God to re-fuel us. Jesus said, "...I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)
We can spend time in the Word and thank God for his loving direction in our lives. We can go to church and worship with fellow believers. We can pray to God with our friends and by ourselves.
Second, we can take a step back and assess what's going on in our relationship with our spouse. Are we doing most of the giving? Is this relationship infusing us with energy or sucking the life out of us? If it's a complete drain, we can take measures to limit the amount of time we spend with our spouse for a while. We can choose to scale back on how much we're giving to the relationship.
Third, we can learn to take better care of ourselves so that our energies are restored. After we have entered into a stronger relationship with God and limited the time we spend with an energy-draining spouse, we can shift our focus in new directions. We can find ways to strengthen our self-esteem by learning new skills, making good women friends through church, and surrounding ourselves with people who are capable of encouraging us. We can find ways to love others through church-sponsored volunteer work.
When we make these changes, we are often surprised by one of two outcomes. Either our neglectful spouse realizes that we are slipping away and works harder at loving us; or, he simply seeks a new source of energy for himself. Sadly, women who stay in neglectful and abusive marriages for years are often shocked to discover how quickly they are replaced.
I stayed for nearly 20 years with my first husband, knocking myself out to make an impossible relationship work. Since he was not in a love relationship with God, he could not transfer life-giving energy into our marriage. It took about 10 years of psychotherapy and Christian counseling to understand that I was fighting a losing battle.
After my divorce, I got involved with a man who started out giving me a lot, but ended up pouring all of his energies into the pursuit of drugs, alcohol, and his first two wives. When I discovered what he was doing, it took me about 10 seconds to ditch him.
My experiences with my failed first marriage and the disastrous relationship with my interim man taught me to turn to God for guidance and love. I spent several years without a mate, serving in my church as a handbell choir member and adult Bible study leader. When I was ready, God sent me a loving husband in Joe, who is drenched in God's love daily and capable of showering me with love, too.
Like plants, we are dependent on the light of God's love for our survival. Marriage can provide us with the perfect place for both personal and relational growth, just as plants and animals live in harmony to support one another. How can we implement these changes to improve our marriages and ourselves?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Hard to Forgive
When someone we love shatters our trust with abuse, it is very hard to forgive. If the abuse occurred repeatedly during childhood, years of psychological and physical damage lie buried beneath multiple layers of self-protective armor. Our spirits cry out to God for justice, and at the same time, our emotions demand acceptance and love from the very person who has hurt us. How do we begin to forgive?
For years, I have been struggling to forgive my parents for abusing me. As I sat praying over photos of my father and mother recently, God suddenly revealed a surprising truth: I was the one who needed to ask for forgiveness.
What?
Yes, God was gently pointing out that I was the one in need of forgiveness. Harboring thoughts of anger and hostility toward the two people who gave me life is a sin. In an instant, the pride that has propped me up for fifty years suddenly came crashing down. God showed me that I was no better than my father, my mother, or anyone else who sins. We are all sinners in one way or another.
I realized that my need to hold onto my spiritual and emotional pain had prevented me from moving forward in the process of forgiving. I had clung to the injustice of childhood sexual abuse and waved it like a bright orange banner to ward off others who might hurt me. I had white-knuckled my flagpole of outrage so that others would join me in the fight against the indignity of childhood abuse.
Righteous anger that arises out of an injustice compels us to cry out for God's vengeance. But once he has the matter in hand, we need to pass our battle flag over to God and allow him to discipline people who need correcting. In that moment of truth, God was asking me to let go.
Even as I write this, the irrational three-year-old inside of me is kicking and screaming, "Don't let the grown-ups ever look good. They're bad. You have to tell what they did."
Today, I can set that child within me at ease. The truth has set us both free.
It is finally dawning on me that I am not alone in this battle anymore. Because I was relentless in crying out, other victims from within the family found the courage to speak out, too. My life-long war to reveal the humiliation of childhood sexual abuse is over. I have fought bravely, and I have helped many others along the way.
At last, the grown-up side of me can admit that I have been bitterly angry most of my life. I have hated my parents for living like cardboard cut-outs, pretending to cherish their children. Other family members have enraged me by refusing to see and accept the obvious. I have been angry at so many people who blinded themselves to the truth; it is hard to comprehend how I ever managed to function.
Colossians 3:13 reads, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." This verse tells us that we must forgive others, because Christ first forgave us.
After reading this passage, God's message became clear to me. I needed to first lay aside my puffed-up image of myself and humbly ask for forgiveness. After I did that, then I could see how it was possible to forgive my parents.
If I see myself as better than my parents, then I can never see them as God does. He looks at a man and a woman whom he created in His image. In spite of their sins, he still loves them. He still wants them to join him in Heaven someday. Every day, he is wooing them to himself, hoping that they will repent and ask for forgiveness. And in the same way, he is wooing me.
God is using our legal system to mete out an appropriate punishment for my father. My mother will feel the sting of shame when everyone discovers that her husband has gone to jail. Their way of life will finally be exposed for what it truly has been. It saddens me to think about how unbearable this will be for them as the lifestyle they have always enjoyed slips from their fingers.
The county prosecutor called me to ask what I thought would be an appropriate sentence for my father. As I considered the various choices, I wondered how I might feel if I were in Dad's shoes. Would I be willing to stand in as a substitute for my father, just as Jesus did for me? The thought of spending more than a minute in jail terrified me. In that instant, I realized that I had never loved my father as Christ does.
Colossions 3:14 reads, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." We cannot forgive someone until we look at them through the eyes of God's perfect love. Forgiveness is impossible unless we see ourselves as equally deserving of the punishment that we believe is in order for someone who has hurt us.
And when we have repented, we must be able to see ourselves as equally deserving of God's love...the same love that is waiting for our abusers when they turn away from their evil actions to a new life in Christ.
I am still asking God daily to help me forgive and love my parents as he does. It remains difficult, but is getting easier. I know that God's love is big enough to help me carry out this seemingly impossible task.
Are you finding it difficult to forgive someone who has abused you? When you are safe, find someone who will listen to you and believe that you have been hurt. Then ask God to forgive you for the anger you have harbored toward your abuser. When you put your own forgiveness into proper perspective, God will reveal that his love is big enough to help you forgive.
For years, I have been struggling to forgive my parents for abusing me. As I sat praying over photos of my father and mother recently, God suddenly revealed a surprising truth: I was the one who needed to ask for forgiveness.
What?
Yes, God was gently pointing out that I was the one in need of forgiveness. Harboring thoughts of anger and hostility toward the two people who gave me life is a sin. In an instant, the pride that has propped me up for fifty years suddenly came crashing down. God showed me that I was no better than my father, my mother, or anyone else who sins. We are all sinners in one way or another.
I realized that my need to hold onto my spiritual and emotional pain had prevented me from moving forward in the process of forgiving. I had clung to the injustice of childhood sexual abuse and waved it like a bright orange banner to ward off others who might hurt me. I had white-knuckled my flagpole of outrage so that others would join me in the fight against the indignity of childhood abuse.
Righteous anger that arises out of an injustice compels us to cry out for God's vengeance. But once he has the matter in hand, we need to pass our battle flag over to God and allow him to discipline people who need correcting. In that moment of truth, God was asking me to let go.
Even as I write this, the irrational three-year-old inside of me is kicking and screaming, "Don't let the grown-ups ever look good. They're bad. You have to tell what they did."
Today, I can set that child within me at ease. The truth has set us both free.
It is finally dawning on me that I am not alone in this battle anymore. Because I was relentless in crying out, other victims from within the family found the courage to speak out, too. My life-long war to reveal the humiliation of childhood sexual abuse is over. I have fought bravely, and I have helped many others along the way.
At last, the grown-up side of me can admit that I have been bitterly angry most of my life. I have hated my parents for living like cardboard cut-outs, pretending to cherish their children. Other family members have enraged me by refusing to see and accept the obvious. I have been angry at so many people who blinded themselves to the truth; it is hard to comprehend how I ever managed to function.
Colossians 3:13 reads, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." This verse tells us that we must forgive others, because Christ first forgave us.
After reading this passage, God's message became clear to me. I needed to first lay aside my puffed-up image of myself and humbly ask for forgiveness. After I did that, then I could see how it was possible to forgive my parents.
If I see myself as better than my parents, then I can never see them as God does. He looks at a man and a woman whom he created in His image. In spite of their sins, he still loves them. He still wants them to join him in Heaven someday. Every day, he is wooing them to himself, hoping that they will repent and ask for forgiveness. And in the same way, he is wooing me.
God is using our legal system to mete out an appropriate punishment for my father. My mother will feel the sting of shame when everyone discovers that her husband has gone to jail. Their way of life will finally be exposed for what it truly has been. It saddens me to think about how unbearable this will be for them as the lifestyle they have always enjoyed slips from their fingers.
The county prosecutor called me to ask what I thought would be an appropriate sentence for my father. As I considered the various choices, I wondered how I might feel if I were in Dad's shoes. Would I be willing to stand in as a substitute for my father, just as Jesus did for me? The thought of spending more than a minute in jail terrified me. In that instant, I realized that I had never loved my father as Christ does.
Colossions 3:14 reads, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." We cannot forgive someone until we look at them through the eyes of God's perfect love. Forgiveness is impossible unless we see ourselves as equally deserving of the punishment that we believe is in order for someone who has hurt us.
And when we have repented, we must be able to see ourselves as equally deserving of God's love...the same love that is waiting for our abusers when they turn away from their evil actions to a new life in Christ.
I am still asking God daily to help me forgive and love my parents as he does. It remains difficult, but is getting easier. I know that God's love is big enough to help me carry out this seemingly impossible task.
Are you finding it difficult to forgive someone who has abused you? When you are safe, find someone who will listen to you and believe that you have been hurt. Then ask God to forgive you for the anger you have harbored toward your abuser. When you put your own forgiveness into proper perspective, God will reveal that his love is big enough to help you forgive.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Are You a Winner or a Whiner?
The last time I checked the calendar, daffodils were blooming, and I was preparing for our daughter's June wedding. Suddenly, it's October, and the leaves are turning crimson. What happened???
Have you ever been through seasons like this? There are times in my life that I absolutely cannot remember. When we find ourselves in challenging relationships, memories can be particularly difficult to retrieve, because extreme stress can blind us to the normal course of events that surround us.
Recently, I've discovered that there are three steps all of us can take to maintain good memories when we wind up in stressful situations.
First, we must come to understand how we got into this trouble to begin with. If we did something stupid or used poor judgment, now is the time to admit it and ask God to help us work things out. If it looks as if something random has blindsided us, we need to ask God to help us understand what we are to do as we wait it out.
For example, I knew when I was walking down the aisle to marry my first husband that I was making a terrible mistake. He had been exhibiting signs of abusive tendencies for a long time, and I ignored them. The ensuing years of trouble were partly my own fault, because I didn't listen to the Holy Spirit's urging me to run from a man who would later hurt me.
On the other hand, sitting at a traffic light after leaving church this summer and getting rear-ended by a drunk was not my fault. My injuries were just one of those unfortunate things in life that happens as a result of someone else's sin.
Second, we need to ask ourselves whether or not it is in our best interest to continue in a troubling lifestyle. Getting out from under an oppressive employer can be difficult, and leaving an abusive marriage may seem downright impossible. Likewise, sitting through a class that is run by a dictator may feel interminable, but we must decide whether staying or leaving will be best for us in the long run. This is a difficult process that can take a long time to figure out.
Jumping from the frying pan into the fire isn't a smart move, either. I tried running away from home when I was five, but I didn't get very far before I realized that I needed to use a bathroom. No one would allow me to use their facilities along my escape trail, and I was forced to return home. We must weigh all of our options before leaving a difficult situation. God may want us to grow through it. A qualified counselor or an accountability partner can help us to clarify our choices.
Third, if we can't extricate ourselves from a bad situation, we must focus on what is good in it. I was constantly stressed as a child by alcoholism and abuse. Eventually, I discovered a place of safety in our church's nursery. Loving care givers provided me with a haven where I could play without being hurt. I developed a love for kaleidoscopes and Jesus as a result of going there. I couldn't run away from my unhappy family, but I found ways to see the goodness of God while I was under my parents' authority.
I Thessalonians 5:16-18 reads, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." This verse has often reminded me to look for the good in all situations. It has also kept me mindful of the need for constant prayer.
Winners look for the positives. If we see ourselves as overcomers who are empowered by God to manage our lives to the best of our abilities, we can often steer ourselves out of bad situations.
Whiners dwell on the negatives. They typically see themselves as victims and spend an inordinate amount of energy trying to discredit the people who take advantage of them. They frequently remain stuck in bad relationships because they use up all of their energy complaining and pointing fingers.
I haven't always been a winner. In fact, I've probably spent a good deal of my life whining. It isn't always easy to be joyful, particularly when our lives feel overwhelming. But if we are faithful to the disciplines of prayer and gratitude, we can feel better, no matter what circumstances may occur. Even if we remain trapped for a while in an unsavory setting, at least we have the joy of knowing that God is there with us.
And when we do break free from the pain and suffering, our joy bubbles over! By developing an attitude of thankfulness and good cheer during the bad times, we find it much easier to remain joyful when our lives improve.
Lately, God has given me a respite from months of pain. Guess what? The sky seems bluer, the autumn leaves flutter in the breeze more beautifully, and the sun sparkles on the lake like it never has before. I can see clearly that God has stayed close through the long, dark nights of pain. And now that it is behind me, he is shining brightly in every corner of my world. Today is etched deeply into my memory, because I have taken time to savor the good things in life, instead of dwelling on the bad.
How about you? Are you a winner or a whiner? Choose today to assess your troubles, make a decision to stay or to remove yourself from a bad situation when the time is right, and then thank God for walking through the fire with you.
Have you ever been through seasons like this? There are times in my life that I absolutely cannot remember. When we find ourselves in challenging relationships, memories can be particularly difficult to retrieve, because extreme stress can blind us to the normal course of events that surround us.
Recently, I've discovered that there are three steps all of us can take to maintain good memories when we wind up in stressful situations.
First, we must come to understand how we got into this trouble to begin with. If we did something stupid or used poor judgment, now is the time to admit it and ask God to help us work things out. If it looks as if something random has blindsided us, we need to ask God to help us understand what we are to do as we wait it out.
For example, I knew when I was walking down the aisle to marry my first husband that I was making a terrible mistake. He had been exhibiting signs of abusive tendencies for a long time, and I ignored them. The ensuing years of trouble were partly my own fault, because I didn't listen to the Holy Spirit's urging me to run from a man who would later hurt me.
On the other hand, sitting at a traffic light after leaving church this summer and getting rear-ended by a drunk was not my fault. My injuries were just one of those unfortunate things in life that happens as a result of someone else's sin.
Second, we need to ask ourselves whether or not it is in our best interest to continue in a troubling lifestyle. Getting out from under an oppressive employer can be difficult, and leaving an abusive marriage may seem downright impossible. Likewise, sitting through a class that is run by a dictator may feel interminable, but we must decide whether staying or leaving will be best for us in the long run. This is a difficult process that can take a long time to figure out.
Jumping from the frying pan into the fire isn't a smart move, either. I tried running away from home when I was five, but I didn't get very far before I realized that I needed to use a bathroom. No one would allow me to use their facilities along my escape trail, and I was forced to return home. We must weigh all of our options before leaving a difficult situation. God may want us to grow through it. A qualified counselor or an accountability partner can help us to clarify our choices.
Third, if we can't extricate ourselves from a bad situation, we must focus on what is good in it. I was constantly stressed as a child by alcoholism and abuse. Eventually, I discovered a place of safety in our church's nursery. Loving care givers provided me with a haven where I could play without being hurt. I developed a love for kaleidoscopes and Jesus as a result of going there. I couldn't run away from my unhappy family, but I found ways to see the goodness of God while I was under my parents' authority.
I Thessalonians 5:16-18 reads, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." This verse has often reminded me to look for the good in all situations. It has also kept me mindful of the need for constant prayer.
Winners look for the positives. If we see ourselves as overcomers who are empowered by God to manage our lives to the best of our abilities, we can often steer ourselves out of bad situations.
Whiners dwell on the negatives. They typically see themselves as victims and spend an inordinate amount of energy trying to discredit the people who take advantage of them. They frequently remain stuck in bad relationships because they use up all of their energy complaining and pointing fingers.
I haven't always been a winner. In fact, I've probably spent a good deal of my life whining. It isn't always easy to be joyful, particularly when our lives feel overwhelming. But if we are faithful to the disciplines of prayer and gratitude, we can feel better, no matter what circumstances may occur. Even if we remain trapped for a while in an unsavory setting, at least we have the joy of knowing that God is there with us.
And when we do break free from the pain and suffering, our joy bubbles over! By developing an attitude of thankfulness and good cheer during the bad times, we find it much easier to remain joyful when our lives improve.
Lately, God has given me a respite from months of pain. Guess what? The sky seems bluer, the autumn leaves flutter in the breeze more beautifully, and the sun sparkles on the lake like it never has before. I can see clearly that God has stayed close through the long, dark nights of pain. And now that it is behind me, he is shining brightly in every corner of my world. Today is etched deeply into my memory, because I have taken time to savor the good things in life, instead of dwelling on the bad.
How about you? Are you a winner or a whiner? Choose today to assess your troubles, make a decision to stay or to remove yourself from a bad situation when the time is right, and then thank God for walking through the fire with you.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Go With the Flow
In the past two weeks, our dryer quit, our bathroom sink backed up, our kitchen drain failed, and our dishwasher died. Thankfully, the person who sold us our house purchased a homeowner's warranty to cover the major expenses related to these repairs.
We have been considering whether or not we should renew this warranty. I asked the repairman who was working on our three-year-old dishwasher if it was common for such a young dishwasher to give up the ghost. He laughed and said, "Everything breaks. Even brand new stuff goes. That's what keeps me in business."
At that moment, I realized that there's no warranty big enough to protect us from the challenges that life throws at us. Appliances may break, employers may fire us, spouses may leave us, and loved ones may die unexpectedly.
King Solomon was considered to be the wisest man who ever lived. In Ecclesiastes 1:15 he wrote, "What is twisted cannot be straightened; what is lacking cannot be counted." Solomon figured out that no matter how hard we try, our efforts to stop the natural course of events is meaningless.
So, if we can't alter God's plan for the future of our appliances, employment, or loved ones, how do we cope with the unexpected challenges of life?
We can do our best to prepare for emergencies, but we must realize that preparing does not mean that we can stop them from coming. God has plans that he does not reveal to us. All we can do when troubles arise is to trust that God will walk through the difficulties with us.
I'm nowhere close to achieving the kind of wisdom Solomon had, but I have learned one important lesson about unexpected events: go with the flow.
I once tried to swim the English channel, believing I could succeed as a result of my training as a swimmer. I was stroking confidently forward through the deceptively still water, but the unseen current beneath the surface was sweeping me backward. I looked over at the shore to discover that our cottage was swiftly becoming a small white dot in the distance. Thank God my friends had more sense than I did. They came alongside me in their boat and hauled me aboard. I was completely wrung out.
As a survivor of abuse and trauma, my need to control is strong. Fear of being hurt again makes most survivors of trauma hyper-vigilant over everything. Whenever I try to do something that I think is good, but it goes against God's plan; he reminds me of that English Channel experience. I have learned that it's hopeless to exert a lot of effort when my actions are in conflict with God's plans. He's a lot more powerful than I am, and swimming against his current only leaves me feeling wrung out.
Are you going with God's flow? Or has your own need for a warranty against losses blinded you to God's will? Not sure? If everything you're doing feels about as difficult as swimming the English Channel, it might be wise to drift for a while until you can once again sense God's flow for your future.
We have been considering whether or not we should renew this warranty. I asked the repairman who was working on our three-year-old dishwasher if it was common for such a young dishwasher to give up the ghost. He laughed and said, "Everything breaks. Even brand new stuff goes. That's what keeps me in business."
At that moment, I realized that there's no warranty big enough to protect us from the challenges that life throws at us. Appliances may break, employers may fire us, spouses may leave us, and loved ones may die unexpectedly.
King Solomon was considered to be the wisest man who ever lived. In Ecclesiastes 1:15 he wrote, "What is twisted cannot be straightened; what is lacking cannot be counted." Solomon figured out that no matter how hard we try, our efforts to stop the natural course of events is meaningless.
So, if we can't alter God's plan for the future of our appliances, employment, or loved ones, how do we cope with the unexpected challenges of life?
We can do our best to prepare for emergencies, but we must realize that preparing does not mean that we can stop them from coming. God has plans that he does not reveal to us. All we can do when troubles arise is to trust that God will walk through the difficulties with us.
I'm nowhere close to achieving the kind of wisdom Solomon had, but I have learned one important lesson about unexpected events: go with the flow.
I once tried to swim the English channel, believing I could succeed as a result of my training as a swimmer. I was stroking confidently forward through the deceptively still water, but the unseen current beneath the surface was sweeping me backward. I looked over at the shore to discover that our cottage was swiftly becoming a small white dot in the distance. Thank God my friends had more sense than I did. They came alongside me in their boat and hauled me aboard. I was completely wrung out.
As a survivor of abuse and trauma, my need to control is strong. Fear of being hurt again makes most survivors of trauma hyper-vigilant over everything. Whenever I try to do something that I think is good, but it goes against God's plan; he reminds me of that English Channel experience. I have learned that it's hopeless to exert a lot of effort when my actions are in conflict with God's plans. He's a lot more powerful than I am, and swimming against his current only leaves me feeling wrung out.
Are you going with God's flow? Or has your own need for a warranty against losses blinded you to God's will? Not sure? If everything you're doing feels about as difficult as swimming the English Channel, it might be wise to drift for a while until you can once again sense God's flow for your future.
Monday, September 13, 2010
The To-Do List
It has been nearly six weeks since my auto accident, and I am slowly regaining my strength. Trying to function with wobbly legs and with my right arm in a cast has made me mindful of the importance of enjoying life to the fullest when our health allows it.
Ecclesiastes 11:9-10 (MSG) tells us:
You who are young, make the most of your youth.
Relish your youthful vigor.
Follow the impulses of your heart.
If something looks good to you, pursue it.
But also know that not just anything goes;
You have to answer to God for every last bit of it.
Live footloose and fancy free –
You won't be young forever.
Youth lasts about as long as smoke.
Over the weekend, Joe and I took the canoe out onto the lake. Unable to paddle, I had plenty of time to think. The summer is nearly over, and I have only been in the canoe three times this year.
I suddenly realized as the canoe skimmed over the mirror-smooth water that I have wasted a lot of wonderful opportunities to play. I looked down at my fingers encased in my cast and regretted the countless times I had walked past my banjo and promised to play it after all of the more important tasks on my to-do list were finished. What if this happened to be the last day God blessed me with life here on earth? I realized that I felt tremendous regret for all of the times I had opted to work, work, work. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that it's important to take time out for recreation, too.
I don't think God expects us to go through life like slaves, never pausing to smell the beautiful roses that bloom outside the front door or to play a lively tune on a musical instrument. He would want us to take the time to paddle a lake, to enjoy the companionship of a friend, or to play with a small child. How many precious moments have we all missed, because we've been to busy with something else that seemed important at the time?
Tomorrow, I'm going to put something fun at the top of my list of things to do. And I'm going to sandwich in some other entertaining events along the way. Life is too short to miss out on the joy that we find in fully experiencing all that God's beautiful world has to offer.
What's on your to-do list for tomorrow?
Ecclesiastes 11:9-10 (MSG) tells us:
You who are young, make the most of your youth.
Relish your youthful vigor.
Follow the impulses of your heart.
If something looks good to you, pursue it.
But also know that not just anything goes;
You have to answer to God for every last bit of it.
Live footloose and fancy free –
You won't be young forever.
Youth lasts about as long as smoke.
Over the weekend, Joe and I took the canoe out onto the lake. Unable to paddle, I had plenty of time to think. The summer is nearly over, and I have only been in the canoe three times this year.
I suddenly realized as the canoe skimmed over the mirror-smooth water that I have wasted a lot of wonderful opportunities to play. I looked down at my fingers encased in my cast and regretted the countless times I had walked past my banjo and promised to play it after all of the more important tasks on my to-do list were finished. What if this happened to be the last day God blessed me with life here on earth? I realized that I felt tremendous regret for all of the times I had opted to work, work, work. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that it's important to take time out for recreation, too.
I don't think God expects us to go through life like slaves, never pausing to smell the beautiful roses that bloom outside the front door or to play a lively tune on a musical instrument. He would want us to take the time to paddle a lake, to enjoy the companionship of a friend, or to play with a small child. How many precious moments have we all missed, because we've been to busy with something else that seemed important at the time?
Tomorrow, I'm going to put something fun at the top of my list of things to do. And I'm going to sandwich in some other entertaining events along the way. Life is too short to miss out on the joy that we find in fully experiencing all that God's beautiful world has to offer.
What's on your to-do list for tomorrow?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Five Secret Weapons
Someone asked me today how I manage my life with all the problems I have experienced. The answer is simple. I have five secret weapons in my arsenal as I fight my way through this world.
Before I tell you what those weapons are, let me say that life is full of challenges for all people. Some handle their troubles with grace; others choose to find comfort in alcohol, drugs, food, sex, and addictive, mind-numbing activities such as television or busy-busy-busy-ness. While these options may provide temporary pain relief from the struggles we all face, they usually only mask the outermost symptoms. What we all need to do is deal with the underlying issues, instead of focusing only on the pain.
When we ignore problems and attempt to self-medicate with things such as alcohol or food, we only create a second set of problems. Now, instead of a fear that someone will discover that we were once sexually abused or you-fill-in-the-blank, we've got that problem in addition to several new ones. And when those problems become worse, depression sets in. This lands us in a place of hopeless desperation.
First, I am able to keep putting one foot ahead of the other, because Jesus is holding me up. Without faith in God and hope that I have a brighter future with him, I could never survive this life.
Years ago, when my life became unmanageable, I began with prayer, asking God to make me aware that I actually had a problem. I asked him to send people into my life who could help me through the maze of troubles that confused me at every turn.
Second, God answered that prayer by arming me with helpful friends. There have been many loving people along the way...a neighbor who 'adopted' me and loved me as her own, a school bus driver who took time to talk to me daily, a teacher who saw my potential, other women who have walked through the fires with me, small group members from church who have prayed with me, a boss who believed in me when no one else did, and a faithful spouse who has stood beside me through it all.
I have found some great advice about the importance of friends in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. It reads:
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together,
they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Third, when I asked God to help me, he showed me that I had to do some hard work to get better. For me, healing has come most quickly when I have rolled up my sleeves and gotten busy with God. Most of us need to work on becoming stronger spiritually, emotionally, socially, physically, and financially.
Stepping up my prayer time and expanding the amount of time I spent in God's Word made a huge difference in the way I dealt with problems. I believe that the greatest wisdom of all time can still be found in the Bible.
Many modern authors have helped me to apply God's wisdom in meaningful ways. For example, I found an excellent resource for making positive changes in Jack Canfield's book, The Success Principles.
I left behind people who were dragging me down and found a new set of friends through church. Many of those relationships developed when I worked as a volunteer alongside others with common interests.
Shedding excess weight through fun activities, such as bike riding and roller blading, made me feel better and improved my outlook. When MS robbed me of my balance and endurance, I exchanged my roller blades for a yoga mat. Failing health led me to search out alternative health practitioners.
When my job began to take a toll on my health, I gave it up to do something more fulfilling. I left behind abusive employers who made unrealistic demands of me.
Fourth, I sought out people along the way to hold me accountable as I worked on new goals. I joined Weight Watchers and an Al-Anon group for adult children of alcoholics. In these settings, positive, encouraging friends helped me to better understand myself.
Fifth, I searched for mental health professionals to steer me back onto the right path. So many people avoid psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors, because they fear the stigmas that they believe go along with seeking their care. This is about as silly as avoiding a podiatrist when we've got an ingrown toenail.
The right mental health care provider can help us change thought patterns and behaviors that are counter-productive. How did I find the right ones? I asked others for recommendations. I read books about how to choose the appropriate person for me. I interviewed prospective providers and asked them how frequently they had dealt with the problem I was experiencing. If the counselor I chose seemed like the wrong one, I found another.
Counseling is not a one-shot deal, and it may involve a host of providers that we see for many years. After we have reached a point of stability, checking in regularly with a mental health provider keeps us in shape over the long haul. We believe in the importance of getting our teeth cleaned twice a year...why not treat our minds with similar respect?
For many of us, pride and shame keep us quiet. For me, threats from my abusers kept me in silence. Our culture, too, has long dictated that we keep our troubles to ourselves. When we allow others to stifle our voices, we only empower them to hurt us more.
My five secret weapons for survival can be yours, too. If you're struggling, turn to God first and look inward. Then, reach out to others. My guess is that you'll be surprised to find a number of helpful friends, accountability partners, and mental health workers reaching back. Many people have already been through what you're experiencing, and they will find joy in being able to help you work through your troubles.
Remember that with God, we can do the impossible. With support along the way, we can achieve our impossible dreams with greater success. And when it's time to celebrate our personal achievements, we can praise God together with the loving people who have journeyed with us.
Before I tell you what those weapons are, let me say that life is full of challenges for all people. Some handle their troubles with grace; others choose to find comfort in alcohol, drugs, food, sex, and addictive, mind-numbing activities such as television or busy-busy-busy-ness. While these options may provide temporary pain relief from the struggles we all face, they usually only mask the outermost symptoms. What we all need to do is deal with the underlying issues, instead of focusing only on the pain.
When we ignore problems and attempt to self-medicate with things such as alcohol or food, we only create a second set of problems. Now, instead of a fear that someone will discover that we were once sexually abused or you-fill-in-the-blank, we've got that problem in addition to several new ones. And when those problems become worse, depression sets in. This lands us in a place of hopeless desperation.
First, I am able to keep putting one foot ahead of the other, because Jesus is holding me up. Without faith in God and hope that I have a brighter future with him, I could never survive this life.
Years ago, when my life became unmanageable, I began with prayer, asking God to make me aware that I actually had a problem. I asked him to send people into my life who could help me through the maze of troubles that confused me at every turn.
Second, God answered that prayer by arming me with helpful friends. There have been many loving people along the way...a neighbor who 'adopted' me and loved me as her own, a school bus driver who took time to talk to me daily, a teacher who saw my potential, other women who have walked through the fires with me, small group members from church who have prayed with me, a boss who believed in me when no one else did, and a faithful spouse who has stood beside me through it all.
I have found some great advice about the importance of friends in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. It reads:
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together,
they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Third, when I asked God to help me, he showed me that I had to do some hard work to get better. For me, healing has come most quickly when I have rolled up my sleeves and gotten busy with God. Most of us need to work on becoming stronger spiritually, emotionally, socially, physically, and financially.
Stepping up my prayer time and expanding the amount of time I spent in God's Word made a huge difference in the way I dealt with problems. I believe that the greatest wisdom of all time can still be found in the Bible.
Many modern authors have helped me to apply God's wisdom in meaningful ways. For example, I found an excellent resource for making positive changes in Jack Canfield's book, The Success Principles.
I left behind people who were dragging me down and found a new set of friends through church. Many of those relationships developed when I worked as a volunteer alongside others with common interests.
Shedding excess weight through fun activities, such as bike riding and roller blading, made me feel better and improved my outlook. When MS robbed me of my balance and endurance, I exchanged my roller blades for a yoga mat. Failing health led me to search out alternative health practitioners.
When my job began to take a toll on my health, I gave it up to do something more fulfilling. I left behind abusive employers who made unrealistic demands of me.
Fourth, I sought out people along the way to hold me accountable as I worked on new goals. I joined Weight Watchers and an Al-Anon group for adult children of alcoholics. In these settings, positive, encouraging friends helped me to better understand myself.
Fifth, I searched for mental health professionals to steer me back onto the right path. So many people avoid psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors, because they fear the stigmas that they believe go along with seeking their care. This is about as silly as avoiding a podiatrist when we've got an ingrown toenail.
The right mental health care provider can help us change thought patterns and behaviors that are counter-productive. How did I find the right ones? I asked others for recommendations. I read books about how to choose the appropriate person for me. I interviewed prospective providers and asked them how frequently they had dealt with the problem I was experiencing. If the counselor I chose seemed like the wrong one, I found another.
Counseling is not a one-shot deal, and it may involve a host of providers that we see for many years. After we have reached a point of stability, checking in regularly with a mental health provider keeps us in shape over the long haul. We believe in the importance of getting our teeth cleaned twice a year...why not treat our minds with similar respect?
For many of us, pride and shame keep us quiet. For me, threats from my abusers kept me in silence. Our culture, too, has long dictated that we keep our troubles to ourselves. When we allow others to stifle our voices, we only empower them to hurt us more.
My five secret weapons for survival can be yours, too. If you're struggling, turn to God first and look inward. Then, reach out to others. My guess is that you'll be surprised to find a number of helpful friends, accountability partners, and mental health workers reaching back. Many people have already been through what you're experiencing, and they will find joy in being able to help you work through your troubles.
Remember that with God, we can do the impossible. With support along the way, we can achieve our impossible dreams with greater success. And when it's time to celebrate our personal achievements, we can praise God together with the loving people who have journeyed with us.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Love One Another
My apologies to you, dear readers, for taking so long to write. I was injured by a drunk driver on July 29, and I'm slowly recovering.
Since I have been homebound for the past couple of months, I have been listening frequently to the Gospel of John. Jesus's command to love one another comes across more clearly with each passing day.
I have felt God's love through many people lately. Friends have come to clean, prepare meals, garden, and visit. Their sacrifice of time speaks volumes about God's love.
If we love one another, we make these sacrifices to give up what we want to do in order to take care of someone else's needs. We pray, listen patiently, encourage, provide a meal, take time for a special activity with a friend, clean a house, write a note, and so on. And when we perform these acts without grumbling or worrying about ourselves, then we know that we are expressing God's true love; and joy inevitably follows.
Sometimes, we encounter people who have lost their ability to love. They send short emails or text messages that read, "I love you." They say the words whenever they leave the house or end a phone conversation. But there seems to be little or no joy as they go through their day. They rush others, they complain, they speak impatiently, they let their anger show. Mostly, they let everyone they meet know how miserable their lives have become. They complain about everything, because they've forgotten how to tap into God's love and express it to others. This kind of attitude is like a cancer that will kill all love if it is left untreated.
I now realize what the secret to joy is: it means that I praise God minute by minute for every good and bad thing that happens to me. I keep on serving those around me with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, no matter how hard life becomes. I keep loving people, even when they are ungrateful or rude. Because even when things become unbearable, I can always be thankful that I'm not in this alone. Jesus is always beside me, holding my hand.
I am thankful that God has given me this recovery time to see this truth about His love. I have asked Him and others to forgive me for the times when I have served grudgingly or with resentment.
God continues to send special people into my life so that I can focus more on giving away my love than on trying to find some. I think Jesus wants us to remember that love is a gift to be freely given, not a commodity to be earned or bought.
Search for someone today who practices this kind of heartfelt love, and you will rediscover what it means to be joy-filled. After all, joy and grouchiness can't co-exist. People who love God and embrace all circumstances as opportunities have learned that love is the antidote to depression, burn-out, and hopelessness.
So, love somebody today and rediscover the joy and peace that Christ promises.
Since I have been homebound for the past couple of months, I have been listening frequently to the Gospel of John. Jesus's command to love one another comes across more clearly with each passing day.
I have felt God's love through many people lately. Friends have come to clean, prepare meals, garden, and visit. Their sacrifice of time speaks volumes about God's love.
If we love one another, we make these sacrifices to give up what we want to do in order to take care of someone else's needs. We pray, listen patiently, encourage, provide a meal, take time for a special activity with a friend, clean a house, write a note, and so on. And when we perform these acts without grumbling or worrying about ourselves, then we know that we are expressing God's true love; and joy inevitably follows.
Sometimes, we encounter people who have lost their ability to love. They send short emails or text messages that read, "I love you." They say the words whenever they leave the house or end a phone conversation. But there seems to be little or no joy as they go through their day. They rush others, they complain, they speak impatiently, they let their anger show. Mostly, they let everyone they meet know how miserable their lives have become. They complain about everything, because they've forgotten how to tap into God's love and express it to others. This kind of attitude is like a cancer that will kill all love if it is left untreated.
I now realize what the secret to joy is: it means that I praise God minute by minute for every good and bad thing that happens to me. I keep on serving those around me with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, no matter how hard life becomes. I keep loving people, even when they are ungrateful or rude. Because even when things become unbearable, I can always be thankful that I'm not in this alone. Jesus is always beside me, holding my hand.
I am thankful that God has given me this recovery time to see this truth about His love. I have asked Him and others to forgive me for the times when I have served grudgingly or with resentment.
God continues to send special people into my life so that I can focus more on giving away my love than on trying to find some. I think Jesus wants us to remember that love is a gift to be freely given, not a commodity to be earned or bought.
Search for someone today who practices this kind of heartfelt love, and you will rediscover what it means to be joy-filled. After all, joy and grouchiness can't co-exist. People who love God and embrace all circumstances as opportunities have learned that love is the antidote to depression, burn-out, and hopelessness.
So, love somebody today and rediscover the joy and peace that Christ promises.
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