We are learning about self-control this week in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, we will be considering what it means to be self-controlled when it comes to our sexuality.
When is it okay to have sex?
The Bible gives us some very clear directions about our sexuality. The apostle Paul had a lot to say about it in I Corinthians 7 (MSG). Paul wrote, First, is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.
This passages shows us plainly that God designed us to have healthy sex drives. However, they are to be used only within the context of marriage. When we choose to become sexually involved with someone of the same sex or a person who is not our spouse, we create sexual disorder.
When should we say no to sex?
When we understand that marriage is the only place for sex, it's pretty easy to figure out when to say no. If our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, neighbors, or anyone else approaches us for sex, the answer should always be no.
In rare instances, we are permitted to tell our spouses that we are not interested in sex. The apostle Paul wrote, The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.
What if we don't wish to marry?
So many young women who have been sexually abused struggle with the pressures that society puts on them to find a husband. They are still so confused about their sexuality, and they often rush into relationships that merely replicate the abuse of their past. It is far better to remain single than to marry for the wrong reasons.
On the other hand, God has instilled in each of us a powerful desire for sex. If we have no marriage partner, we may get ourselves into trouble when our desires override our common sense.
The apostle Paul never married, and he told the people of the early church, Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.
I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.
God defines who you are.
Paul concluded this chapter with some comforting thoughts. He wrote, And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
So, whether you are married or single right now is God's desire for you. Remember that following him defines who you are much more powerfully than your marital status. Love him, and you'll find that you are better able to love the spouse that you have or to find that special someone you've been waiting for all your life.
Today's Challenge
Are you using your sexuality appropriately within the confines of marriage? If not, resolve today to get back in line with God's way of looking at the sexual side of you. If you're still single, keep your eyes and heart on God's leading in your life. Eventually, the right person will come alongside you.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Control Your Appetite
We are learning about self-control this week in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. This is a study of the fruit of the Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22. Today, I would like to talk about appetite control.
You are what you eat.
This catchy slogan came out years ago, and I think it's very appropriate. When we eat nutrient-dense foods that are organic and fresh, we feel energized. In contrast, when we eat dead foods that are full of chemicals, we feel sluggish and can't think straight.
It is relatively easy for me to exercise self-control in my diet, because the consequences of eating improperly are immediate and painful. I am so allergic to some foods that I experience bizarre symptoms within minutes of ingesting them, such as temporary hearing loss, muscle weakness, or even paralysis.
Most people do not have such a great built-in self-control system. It is difficult for them to watch what they eat, because food provides them with pleasure, comfort, or relief from boredom or stress. I understand the challenge of over-eating, because I did not have these health issues when I was younger.
Dieting is not a lifestyle.
Most overweight people believe that diets work. They do not. The word diet makes us envision a time of self-denial, after which, we will go back to our normal eating routines.
The trouble with this mindset is that it simply creates a yo-yo effect. We diet, we lose weight, we go back to our old habits of eating, we gain the weight back (and then some), and the cycle begins again. What we need is a lifestyle change, not a diet.
Instead of thinking of temporary dieting breaks from our usual eating habits, we must consider a change in lifestyle. This means learning as much as we can about how food affects our health, and then making up our minds to eat only what produces better health.
Our country is experiencing an epidemic of health issues, such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and cancer. Joe sees people dying every day from these illnesses, and they aren't always elderly. In fact, it is shocking to see how many people in their 30s and 40s are dying from easily preventable diseases. If we understand that our diet is hurting us, we will be better motivated to make lasting changes.
Start with prayer.
I could not figure out for decades why food made me feel so awful. I began praying that God would provide answers. He immediately led me to this Bible verse: When you sit down to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. (Prov 23:1-2 NIV)
Immediately, I became aware of the fact that God views overeating as something so wrong, it would be better for me to slit my throat than to stuff my face. This verse also showed me the importance of noting what I eat.
Find an accountability partner.
If we want to develop any self-control, we must find ourselves an accountability partner. When trying to change our eating habits, or any other habit, this is a critical step to achieving success. An accountability partner can keep us on track and provide a sounding board when we are struggling.
I found it helpful when I was overweight to attend Weight Watchers meetings. They taught me the importance of combining exercise with a sensible diet, and I reached my weight-loss goal with the leaders' help.
Get a thorough check-up with a qualified physician.
Many people starve themselves, exercise, and keep a record of everything they eat; and they still don't lose weight. When I turned 50, this described me. No matter how little I ate or how much I exercised, I just kept gaining weight. Getting a check-up with a physician who specializes in metabolic disorders is vital if this describes you.
When I took the time to consult with a metabolic specialist, I finally figured out what was wrong. My thyroid function was low, but my primary care phyisican had not been able to detect the problem with the standard blood tests. The metabolic specialist knew how to look for a number of underlying issues that most doctors miss. Within weeks of taking a natural thyroid replacement, I began losing weight.
You see, our bodies run like clockwork if our naturally-occurring chemicals are in balance. However, if the adrenal glands, thyroid, pituitary glands, or sex hormones are out of whack, we can gain weight. No amount of self-control will be effective if our chemistry is off.
Hire a dietician who understands metabolism.
We have all spent good money on diet pills, health club memberships, and exercise equipment. But I think the best money spent is to hire a dietician who works under the direction of a metabolic specialist.
I visited with a dietician twice, and it was the best money I have ever spent. I figured out that even the healthy foods I was eating created cravings for more. The dietician taught me how to eat properly to reduce food cravings.
I can't emphasize enough how important this step is. If our bodies are receiving the proper foods at the right times of day, we will not have to worry about self-control! The cravings disappear.
One of the finest metabolic specialists in the United States works right here in Cincinnati, Ohio. Dr. James LaValle created the LaValle Metabolic Institute to help people far and wide with their weight problems. You can contact the Institute at www.lmihealth.com.
Get moving!
One of the most important components of appetite control is exercise. If we are moving, our bodies are circulating important natural chemicals more efficiently. Our mood gets elevated, and we have more energy.
Exercise doesn't have to be drudgery. When I was attending Weight Watchers, I had very little time to devote to an exercise routine at a gym. I was raising three young children at the time, so I decided to combine childcare with exercise.
I bought a trailer for my bike, put my daughter in it, and pedaled for miles every day with my sons. Biking worked like a charm to take off the weight, and I had fun with my kids.
Today's Challenge
Are you a yo-yo dieter? If you're struggling to control what you eat, ask God for answers, find an accountability partner, get a thorough check-up with a metabolic specialist, consult with a dietician, and get moving. These tools will all help you to develop greater self-control over your appetite.
You are what you eat.
This catchy slogan came out years ago, and I think it's very appropriate. When we eat nutrient-dense foods that are organic and fresh, we feel energized. In contrast, when we eat dead foods that are full of chemicals, we feel sluggish and can't think straight.
It is relatively easy for me to exercise self-control in my diet, because the consequences of eating improperly are immediate and painful. I am so allergic to some foods that I experience bizarre symptoms within minutes of ingesting them, such as temporary hearing loss, muscle weakness, or even paralysis.
Most people do not have such a great built-in self-control system. It is difficult for them to watch what they eat, because food provides them with pleasure, comfort, or relief from boredom or stress. I understand the challenge of over-eating, because I did not have these health issues when I was younger.
Dieting is not a lifestyle.
Most overweight people believe that diets work. They do not. The word diet makes us envision a time of self-denial, after which, we will go back to our normal eating routines.
The trouble with this mindset is that it simply creates a yo-yo effect. We diet, we lose weight, we go back to our old habits of eating, we gain the weight back (and then some), and the cycle begins again. What we need is a lifestyle change, not a diet.
Instead of thinking of temporary dieting breaks from our usual eating habits, we must consider a change in lifestyle. This means learning as much as we can about how food affects our health, and then making up our minds to eat only what produces better health.
Our country is experiencing an epidemic of health issues, such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and cancer. Joe sees people dying every day from these illnesses, and they aren't always elderly. In fact, it is shocking to see how many people in their 30s and 40s are dying from easily preventable diseases. If we understand that our diet is hurting us, we will be better motivated to make lasting changes.
Start with prayer.
I could not figure out for decades why food made me feel so awful. I began praying that God would provide answers. He immediately led me to this Bible verse: When you sit down to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. (Prov 23:1-2 NIV)
Immediately, I became aware of the fact that God views overeating as something so wrong, it would be better for me to slit my throat than to stuff my face. This verse also showed me the importance of noting what I eat.
Find an accountability partner.
If we want to develop any self-control, we must find ourselves an accountability partner. When trying to change our eating habits, or any other habit, this is a critical step to achieving success. An accountability partner can keep us on track and provide a sounding board when we are struggling.
I found it helpful when I was overweight to attend Weight Watchers meetings. They taught me the importance of combining exercise with a sensible diet, and I reached my weight-loss goal with the leaders' help.
Get a thorough check-up with a qualified physician.
Many people starve themselves, exercise, and keep a record of everything they eat; and they still don't lose weight. When I turned 50, this described me. No matter how little I ate or how much I exercised, I just kept gaining weight. Getting a check-up with a physician who specializes in metabolic disorders is vital if this describes you.
When I took the time to consult with a metabolic specialist, I finally figured out what was wrong. My thyroid function was low, but my primary care phyisican had not been able to detect the problem with the standard blood tests. The metabolic specialist knew how to look for a number of underlying issues that most doctors miss. Within weeks of taking a natural thyroid replacement, I began losing weight.
You see, our bodies run like clockwork if our naturally-occurring chemicals are in balance. However, if the adrenal glands, thyroid, pituitary glands, or sex hormones are out of whack, we can gain weight. No amount of self-control will be effective if our chemistry is off.
Hire a dietician who understands metabolism.
We have all spent good money on diet pills, health club memberships, and exercise equipment. But I think the best money spent is to hire a dietician who works under the direction of a metabolic specialist.
I visited with a dietician twice, and it was the best money I have ever spent. I figured out that even the healthy foods I was eating created cravings for more. The dietician taught me how to eat properly to reduce food cravings.
I can't emphasize enough how important this step is. If our bodies are receiving the proper foods at the right times of day, we will not have to worry about self-control! The cravings disappear.
One of the finest metabolic specialists in the United States works right here in Cincinnati, Ohio. Dr. James LaValle created the LaValle Metabolic Institute to help people far and wide with their weight problems. You can contact the Institute at www.lmihealth.com.
Get moving!
One of the most important components of appetite control is exercise. If we are moving, our bodies are circulating important natural chemicals more efficiently. Our mood gets elevated, and we have more energy.
Exercise doesn't have to be drudgery. When I was attending Weight Watchers, I had very little time to devote to an exercise routine at a gym. I was raising three young children at the time, so I decided to combine childcare with exercise.
I bought a trailer for my bike, put my daughter in it, and pedaled for miles every day with my sons. Biking worked like a charm to take off the weight, and I had fun with my kids.
Today's Challenge
Are you a yo-yo dieter? If you're struggling to control what you eat, ask God for answers, find an accountability partner, get a thorough check-up with a metabolic specialist, consult with a dietician, and get moving. These tools will all help you to develop greater self-control over your appetite.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Self-Control Protects Us From Evil
This week marks the last of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. This study has been based on the fruit of the Spirit, which is found in Galatians 5:22: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. We conclude with five lessons about self-control.
Don't leave yourself open to evil.
Proverbs 25:28 (MSG) reads, A person without self-control is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out. What does this mean?
In recent weeks, an F-5 tornado raced across the southern and midwestern United States, leaving a path of destruction in its mile-wide wake. Joe and I drove through some of the areas that were hit, and we were shocked by the devastation. At one exit along the interstate, enormous commercial buildings were missing roofs, windows, and walls.
Consider how vulnerable a building is without its roof, doors, or windows. Looters can steal merchandise from inside, rain can cause further damage, and wild animals can take up residence there. It is completely unprotected.
Like a building with its doors and windows missing, we can open ourselves up to all kinds of evil if we lack self-control. This week, we will be looking into what happens when we fail to control our appetites, our sex drives, our daily routines, and our emotions.
God is our best ally when learning self-control.
My greatest challenge in the area of self-control is my tongue. I tend to talk far more than I listen. Maybe that's why I feel compelled to write so many words every day!
No matter what challenges us, God can help. We can pray that he will show us areas of our lives that are out of control. Being blind to our faults can be problematic, particularly if we are always focused on others' flaws.
We can also pray that God will teach us to develop greater self-control. Doing this makes us more mindful of the things that we need to change, and it gives God opportunities to put us in situations where we will need to exercise self-control.
Today's Challenge
Consider what it means to you to be self-controlled. Ask God to show you where you need to improve, and then in your journal, write down instances when you failed to exercise self-control. Pray for opportunities to exhibit greater self-control the next time a similar situation arises.
Don't leave yourself open to evil.
Proverbs 25:28 (MSG) reads, A person without self-control is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out. What does this mean?
In recent weeks, an F-5 tornado raced across the southern and midwestern United States, leaving a path of destruction in its mile-wide wake. Joe and I drove through some of the areas that were hit, and we were shocked by the devastation. At one exit along the interstate, enormous commercial buildings were missing roofs, windows, and walls.
Consider how vulnerable a building is without its roof, doors, or windows. Looters can steal merchandise from inside, rain can cause further damage, and wild animals can take up residence there. It is completely unprotected.
Like a building with its doors and windows missing, we can open ourselves up to all kinds of evil if we lack self-control. This week, we will be looking into what happens when we fail to control our appetites, our sex drives, our daily routines, and our emotions.
God is our best ally when learning self-control.
My greatest challenge in the area of self-control is my tongue. I tend to talk far more than I listen. Maybe that's why I feel compelled to write so many words every day!
No matter what challenges us, God can help. We can pray that he will show us areas of our lives that are out of control. Being blind to our faults can be problematic, particularly if we are always focused on others' flaws.
We can also pray that God will teach us to develop greater self-control. Doing this makes us more mindful of the things that we need to change, and it gives God opportunities to put us in situations where we will need to exercise self-control.
Today's Challenge
Consider what it means to you to be self-controlled. Ask God to show you where you need to improve, and then in your journal, write down instances when you failed to exercise self-control. Pray for opportunities to exhibit greater self-control the next time a similar situation arises.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Prayer for Victims of Abuse
I would like to conclude this week's thoughts about gentleness with a prayer from Psalm 109 (CEV). Many of you reading this may still be dealing with abusive people or bullies, and I would like to encourage you to turn to God for strength. Harsh words from our enemies can leave lasting wounds, but God's gentleness toward us can bring us renewed strength.
Psalm 109:1-5; 21-31 reads,
I praise you, God! Don't keep silent.
Destructive and deceitful lies are told about me,
and hateful things are said for no reason.
I had pity and prayed for my enemies,
but their words to me were harsh and cruel.
For being friendly and kind,
they paid me back with meanness and hatred.
Be true to your name, LORD God!
Show your great kindness and rescue me.
I am poor and helpless, and I have lost all hope.
I am fading away like an evening shadow;
I am tossed aside like a crawling insect.
I have gone without eating until my knees are weak,
and my body is bony.
When my enemies see me, they say cruel things
and shake their heads.
Please help me, LORD God!
Come and save me because of your love.
Let others know that you alone have saved me.
I don't care if they curse me, as long as you bless me.
You will make my enemies fail when they attack,
and you will make me glad to be your servant.
You will cover them with shame, just as their bodies
are covered with clothes.
I will sing your praises and thank you, LORD,
when your people meet.
You help everyone in need,
and you defend them when they are on trial.
I can remember reading through the Psalms over and over when I was mired in an abusive relationship. God's Word brought me comfort then, because he gave me hope that things would be different.
God answered my prayers and brought me out of that miserable life as a victim of abuse. Today when I read this, I focus more on the praises than on the pleas for help. God has been so good to me, and I pray that his goodness and gentleness will bring you peace, too.
Next week, we will conclude this series, Thriving in God's Garden, with lessons about how to achieve greater self-control. I hope you'll join me as we search for ways to develop the fruit of the Spirit.
Psalm 109:1-5; 21-31 reads,
I praise you, God! Don't keep silent.
Destructive and deceitful lies are told about me,
and hateful things are said for no reason.
I had pity and prayed for my enemies,
but their words to me were harsh and cruel.
For being friendly and kind,
they paid me back with meanness and hatred.
Be true to your name, LORD God!
Show your great kindness and rescue me.
I am poor and helpless, and I have lost all hope.
I am fading away like an evening shadow;
I am tossed aside like a crawling insect.
I have gone without eating until my knees are weak,
and my body is bony.
When my enemies see me, they say cruel things
and shake their heads.
Please help me, LORD God!
Come and save me because of your love.
Let others know that you alone have saved me.
I don't care if they curse me, as long as you bless me.
You will make my enemies fail when they attack,
and you will make me glad to be your servant.
You will cover them with shame, just as their bodies
are covered with clothes.
I will sing your praises and thank you, LORD,
when your people meet.
You help everyone in need,
and you defend them when they are on trial.
I can remember reading through the Psalms over and over when I was mired in an abusive relationship. God's Word brought me comfort then, because he gave me hope that things would be different.
God answered my prayers and brought me out of that miserable life as a victim of abuse. Today when I read this, I focus more on the praises than on the pleas for help. God has been so good to me, and I pray that his goodness and gentleness will bring you peace, too.
Next week, we will conclude this series, Thriving in God's Garden, with lessons about how to achieve greater self-control. I hope you'll join me as we search for ways to develop the fruit of the Spirit.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Violence Never Pays
We are learning this week about how to become more gentle with others as part of my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, I would like us to think about what people lose if they are prone to fits of anger and violent behavior.
Violence gets you nowhere.
Proverbs 11:16 (MSG) makes an excellent point about the advantages of gentleness and the futility of violence. It reads, A woman of gentle grace gets respect, but men of rough violence grab for loot.
This verse shows us that if a woman is kindhearted, she will earn the respect of those around her. In contrast, a man who is violent will never receive respect, even if he is wealthy.
I have known a number of very wealthy men who were also violent. They liked to believe that they had their wives' respect and that all other men wished to be like them. The sad truth is that their wives complained bitterly about them behind their backs, and other men thought they were losers.
As survivors of abuse, we must learn how to discern between men who are violent and those who are gentlemen. Often, wealthy men can create illusions that trap unsuspecting women into believing that they are charming. I learned the hard way that wealth can be a great deceiver. Just because a guy has lots of cash to flash around doesn't mean he's a great catch.
Become a woman of gentle grace.
So what, exactly, is gentle grace? In my mind, a woman with this quality is quiet. She doesn't talk loudly or tell crude jokes. She avoids gossip and only speaks about people positively, both to their faces and behind their backs.
If a gentle woman encounters a violent man, she doesn't cower and allow him to mistreat her. On the other hand, she doesn't get into shouting matches with him, either. She is the type who would calmly tell him that he is not permitted to mistreat her, and then she would walk away. If he continued to hurt her, she would remove herself completely out of harm's way. Out on her own, she would not bad-mouth the violent man. She would simply move on with her life of peace.
I would like to become more gentle, but I've got a long way to go. It's so easy to remember the hurts I've suffered and to speak negatively about those who have hurt me. I pray that God will give me more opportunities to speak positively, in spite of all that I've endured.
Today's Challenge
Are you a woman of gentle grace? If not, how can you become gentler and quieter? Ask God to help you change your reactions to violent people so that you maintain your peace, in spite of their behavior.
Violence gets you nowhere.
Proverbs 11:16 (MSG) makes an excellent point about the advantages of gentleness and the futility of violence. It reads, A woman of gentle grace gets respect, but men of rough violence grab for loot.
This verse shows us that if a woman is kindhearted, she will earn the respect of those around her. In contrast, a man who is violent will never receive respect, even if he is wealthy.
I have known a number of very wealthy men who were also violent. They liked to believe that they had their wives' respect and that all other men wished to be like them. The sad truth is that their wives complained bitterly about them behind their backs, and other men thought they were losers.
As survivors of abuse, we must learn how to discern between men who are violent and those who are gentlemen. Often, wealthy men can create illusions that trap unsuspecting women into believing that they are charming. I learned the hard way that wealth can be a great deceiver. Just because a guy has lots of cash to flash around doesn't mean he's a great catch.
Become a woman of gentle grace.
So what, exactly, is gentle grace? In my mind, a woman with this quality is quiet. She doesn't talk loudly or tell crude jokes. She avoids gossip and only speaks about people positively, both to their faces and behind their backs.
If a gentle woman encounters a violent man, she doesn't cower and allow him to mistreat her. On the other hand, she doesn't get into shouting matches with him, either. She is the type who would calmly tell him that he is not permitted to mistreat her, and then she would walk away. If he continued to hurt her, she would remove herself completely out of harm's way. Out on her own, she would not bad-mouth the violent man. She would simply move on with her life of peace.
I would like to become more gentle, but I've got a long way to go. It's so easy to remember the hurts I've suffered and to speak negatively about those who have hurt me. I pray that God will give me more opportunities to speak positively, in spite of all that I've endured.
Today's Challenge
Are you a woman of gentle grace? If not, how can you become gentler and quieter? Ask God to help you change your reactions to violent people so that you maintain your peace, in spite of their behavior.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Bullies Never Win
Our discussion this week is centered on the concept of gentleness and is a continuation of my nine-week series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, I'd like to concentrate on bullying, since it has become so prevalent in recent years.
We've all met at least one bully.
When I was about four years old, there were two bullies in my neighborhood. One was a teenage boy who approached me one afternoon while I was sitting on my front steps. In his hand, he was carrying the old washing machine hose that my dad had thrown in the trash the night before.
Without provocation, the boy walked up to me and began beating me with that rubber hose. I tried to protect myself by curling up in a ball, but he simply kept hitting me over and over. At the time, I remember wondering why anyone would do something so cruel. Eventually, he stopped, tossed the hose back into the trash can, and walked away.
The second bully I grew up with was a girl who was two years older than I was. Relentlessly, she picked on me during our one-mile walk to and from school. She waited in the bushes until I passed by, and then jumped out to tackle me to the ground. Other days, she tripped me, pinched me, slapped me, or stole my lunch from me.
One afternoon, the bully tried to wrench my lunch box from my hand. That was her first mistake, because that box belonged to my brother. He'd warned me that morning not to lose it or mess it up. For years, I had allowed this girl to pick on me, but I was determined not to let her spoil my brother's favorite lunch box.
With all the strength I could muster, I windmilled her over the head with that metal lunchbox. To my surprise, her knees buckled, and I walked the rest of the way home in peace.
The following day, the bully's sister told me that the family had spent the evening in the emergency room. Apparently, my brother's lunch box had given the bully a concussion. I felt badly for her, but at the same time, my actions brought me some relief: she never picked on me again.
I'm not advocating violence here, but I do wish to make the point that if we allow bullies to pick on us, they will not stop. It is imperative that we find a way to dissuade bullies, either by traveling through life in groups or by involving someone more powerful than the bully to put an end to his actions. This may include supportive friends, neighbors, or even the police.
Scratch a bully, find a victim.
We can all relate to the feelings of helplessness that bullying creates. But do we ever take the time to understand a bully?
A counselor once told me, "Sratch a bully, find a victim." What she meant by that phrase was that if you scratch through the mean surface, most bullies were once themselves victims of bullying or abuse. They don't know how to appropriately express their anger, so they take it out on weaker people.
Understanding the bully does not mean that we condone his actions. But perhaps knowing why he behaves as he does will help us to pray for him to change.
God is never a bully.
We are learning how to be gentle, and one way of doing that is to study God's character. He never bullies anyone.
The story of Job's suffering from significant losses and illness gives us a glimpse into God's character, as well as Job's. In spite of all the challenges that God allowed Job to endure, Job never blamed God for his afflictions.
Job said, "It's true that God is all-powerful, but he doesn't bully innocent people. For the wicked, though, it's a different story— he doesn't give them the time of day, but champions the rights of their victims. He never takes his eyes off the righteous; he honors them lavishly, promotes them endlessly. When things go badly, when affliction and suffering descend, God tells them where they've gone wrong, shows them how their pride has caused their trouble. He forces them to heed his warning, tells them they must repent of their bad life. If they obey and serve him, they'll have a good, long life on easy street. But if they disobey, they'll be cut down in their prime and never know the first thing about life. Angry people without God pile grievance upon grievance, always blaming others for their troubles. Living it up in sexual excesses, virility wasted, they die young. But those who learn from their suffering, God delivers from their suffering.
(Job 36:5 MSG)
Gentle people have learned from their mistakes.
The passage above shows us that we may, at times, come to the conclusion that our troubles were a result of someone else's evil actions or of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. In such instances, we can rely on God to help us understand, as Job did.
At other times, we may suffer as a result of our own sin or pride. During these instances, we must admit that we've gotten ourselves into a jam through our own errors. Then, we must humble ourselves, admit our mistakes, and learn from them. In the process, gentleness grows.
The bully does not take advantage of this learning curve. He remains angry with God, and he takes it out on everyone around him. He continues doing things his own way, without regard for whom he is hurting. His life rarely improves, because he refuses to look inward.
As survivors of abuse, we must make sure that we are continually looking inward. With a spirit of humility and reliance on God's grace, we can admit our faults so that we can grow ever more gentle. And when we encounter bullies, we can pray for them. Developing such wonderful understanding leads us even closer to the gentle spirit we desire.
Today's Challenge
Were you bullied as a child? Write down how you felt at the time and how you responded. What would you do differently today?
We've all met at least one bully.
When I was about four years old, there were two bullies in my neighborhood. One was a teenage boy who approached me one afternoon while I was sitting on my front steps. In his hand, he was carrying the old washing machine hose that my dad had thrown in the trash the night before.
Without provocation, the boy walked up to me and began beating me with that rubber hose. I tried to protect myself by curling up in a ball, but he simply kept hitting me over and over. At the time, I remember wondering why anyone would do something so cruel. Eventually, he stopped, tossed the hose back into the trash can, and walked away.
The second bully I grew up with was a girl who was two years older than I was. Relentlessly, she picked on me during our one-mile walk to and from school. She waited in the bushes until I passed by, and then jumped out to tackle me to the ground. Other days, she tripped me, pinched me, slapped me, or stole my lunch from me.
One afternoon, the bully tried to wrench my lunch box from my hand. That was her first mistake, because that box belonged to my brother. He'd warned me that morning not to lose it or mess it up. For years, I had allowed this girl to pick on me, but I was determined not to let her spoil my brother's favorite lunch box.
With all the strength I could muster, I windmilled her over the head with that metal lunchbox. To my surprise, her knees buckled, and I walked the rest of the way home in peace.
The following day, the bully's sister told me that the family had spent the evening in the emergency room. Apparently, my brother's lunch box had given the bully a concussion. I felt badly for her, but at the same time, my actions brought me some relief: she never picked on me again.
I'm not advocating violence here, but I do wish to make the point that if we allow bullies to pick on us, they will not stop. It is imperative that we find a way to dissuade bullies, either by traveling through life in groups or by involving someone more powerful than the bully to put an end to his actions. This may include supportive friends, neighbors, or even the police.
Scratch a bully, find a victim.
We can all relate to the feelings of helplessness that bullying creates. But do we ever take the time to understand a bully?
A counselor once told me, "Sratch a bully, find a victim." What she meant by that phrase was that if you scratch through the mean surface, most bullies were once themselves victims of bullying or abuse. They don't know how to appropriately express their anger, so they take it out on weaker people.
Understanding the bully does not mean that we condone his actions. But perhaps knowing why he behaves as he does will help us to pray for him to change.
God is never a bully.
We are learning how to be gentle, and one way of doing that is to study God's character. He never bullies anyone.
The story of Job's suffering from significant losses and illness gives us a glimpse into God's character, as well as Job's. In spite of all the challenges that God allowed Job to endure, Job never blamed God for his afflictions.
Job said, "It's true that God is all-powerful, but he doesn't bully innocent people. For the wicked, though, it's a different story— he doesn't give them the time of day, but champions the rights of their victims. He never takes his eyes off the righteous; he honors them lavishly, promotes them endlessly. When things go badly, when affliction and suffering descend, God tells them where they've gone wrong, shows them how their pride has caused their trouble. He forces them to heed his warning, tells them they must repent of their bad life. If they obey and serve him, they'll have a good, long life on easy street. But if they disobey, they'll be cut down in their prime and never know the first thing about life. Angry people without God pile grievance upon grievance, always blaming others for their troubles. Living it up in sexual excesses, virility wasted, they die young. But those who learn from their suffering, God delivers from their suffering.
(Job 36:5 MSG)
Gentle people have learned from their mistakes.
The passage above shows us that we may, at times, come to the conclusion that our troubles were a result of someone else's evil actions or of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. In such instances, we can rely on God to help us understand, as Job did.
At other times, we may suffer as a result of our own sin or pride. During these instances, we must admit that we've gotten ourselves into a jam through our own errors. Then, we must humble ourselves, admit our mistakes, and learn from them. In the process, gentleness grows.
The bully does not take advantage of this learning curve. He remains angry with God, and he takes it out on everyone around him. He continues doing things his own way, without regard for whom he is hurting. His life rarely improves, because he refuses to look inward.
As survivors of abuse, we must make sure that we are continually looking inward. With a spirit of humility and reliance on God's grace, we can admit our faults so that we can grow ever more gentle. And when we encounter bullies, we can pray for them. Developing such wonderful understanding leads us even closer to the gentle spirit we desire.
Today's Challenge
Were you bullied as a child? Write down how you felt at the time and how you responded. What would you do differently today?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Beauty of a Gentle Spirit
This week, we are learning about gentleness in my series, Thriving in God's Garden. Today, we look at the importance of inner beauty and the deceitfulness of outer beauty.
True beauty starts on the inside.
The apostle, Peter, wrote about women's beauty in a letter to the early Christian church. Some denominations believe that these are specific rules against certain outward appearances, but I think Peter had a bigger message in mind.
He wrote, Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (I Peter 3:3-4 NIV)
This passage does not mean that we should quit braiding our hair, put on frumpy clothes, or sell all of our bling. Peter simply used these examples to make the point that we can't rely on our outer beauty if we are ugly on the inside.
Develop a gentle spirit.
As survivors of abuse, we frequently feel that we are ugly. Our shame causes us to feel inferior to others, whom we may admire for their outer beauty.
We may try to compensate for the way we feel about ourselves by going overboard with extreme hairstyles, excessive makeup, or tons of jewelry. We cannot rely on these outer adornments to express our beauty. No amount of make-up, jewelry, or clothing will make us beautiful if we are filled with bitterness, revenge, or hatred.
God created us in his own image, and he loves us in spite of our flaws. When we learn to accept God's love, our inner beauty begins to grow. A quiet spirit brings us inner peace, which radiates gentle beauty from the inside.
Please don't misunderstand here what is being said about outer appearances. Peter did not mean to imply that we should neglect our personal grooming. Clean skin, healthy teeth, a stylish haircut, and modest clothing and accessories all go a long way toward helping us feel as if we have our act together.
Don't be a rotten melon.
Have you ever gone to the grocery to purchase a beautiful green watermelon, taken it home for a family picnic, and discovered that it had turned to mush on the inside? Like a rotten melon, the bigger point of Peter's message is that outer beauty is worthless without inner goodness. God desires for us to work much harder on our inner beauty than on outward appearances.
Today's Challenge
Take time today for a check-up of both your inner and outer beauty. How much time are you spending on the development of inner beauty, which comes from a gentle and quiet spirit? Are you taking care of your appearance with good grooming? Or are you trying to compensate for low self-worth by over-dressing? Make a commitment today to develop a gentle and quiet spirit through Bible study and fellowship with other mature Christians so that you can glow from the inside out.
True beauty starts on the inside.
The apostle, Peter, wrote about women's beauty in a letter to the early Christian church. Some denominations believe that these are specific rules against certain outward appearances, but I think Peter had a bigger message in mind.
He wrote, Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (I Peter 3:3-4 NIV)
This passage does not mean that we should quit braiding our hair, put on frumpy clothes, or sell all of our bling. Peter simply used these examples to make the point that we can't rely on our outer beauty if we are ugly on the inside.
Develop a gentle spirit.
As survivors of abuse, we frequently feel that we are ugly. Our shame causes us to feel inferior to others, whom we may admire for their outer beauty.
We may try to compensate for the way we feel about ourselves by going overboard with extreme hairstyles, excessive makeup, or tons of jewelry. We cannot rely on these outer adornments to express our beauty. No amount of make-up, jewelry, or clothing will make us beautiful if we are filled with bitterness, revenge, or hatred.
God created us in his own image, and he loves us in spite of our flaws. When we learn to accept God's love, our inner beauty begins to grow. A quiet spirit brings us inner peace, which radiates gentle beauty from the inside.
Please don't misunderstand here what is being said about outer appearances. Peter did not mean to imply that we should neglect our personal grooming. Clean skin, healthy teeth, a stylish haircut, and modest clothing and accessories all go a long way toward helping us feel as if we have our act together.
Don't be a rotten melon.
Have you ever gone to the grocery to purchase a beautiful green watermelon, taken it home for a family picnic, and discovered that it had turned to mush on the inside? Like a rotten melon, the bigger point of Peter's message is that outer beauty is worthless without inner goodness. God desires for us to work much harder on our inner beauty than on outward appearances.
Today's Challenge
Take time today for a check-up of both your inner and outer beauty. How much time are you spending on the development of inner beauty, which comes from a gentle and quiet spirit? Are you taking care of your appearance with good grooming? Or are you trying to compensate for low self-worth by over-dressing? Make a commitment today to develop a gentle and quiet spirit through Bible study and fellowship with other mature Christians so that you can glow from the inside out.
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