Pray for Me Today

I would like to ask you to pray for my family and for me today. My father will be sentenced for the crime of molesting one of his granddaughters. Ask God to reveal his love and grace through us as we attend the hearing where our criminal justice system will determine my father's future. As we grieve this loss within our family, ask God to provide us with comfort and peace.

Tomorrow, we will continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. Thank you for your prayers.

Letting Go of Pride

We continue today with our discussion about pride, the seventh obstacle in our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.

Last time, we learned that pride prevents us from forgiving others, because we see ourselves as superior to those who have hurt us. When we fail to see our own sin in doing this, we hinder our spiritual growth. God can't help us to grow up if we can't admit that we are sinning, too.

So, how do we overcome this issue of pride? I see pride removal as a 7-step process, as follows.

1) Be honest with yourself.
I found the following list on a posting by Evangelical Village. Read the list and keep track of how many questions you answer with a yes.

-Are your feelings hurt easily?
-Does it irritate you when people don’t agree with you?
-Does it really bother you when someone corrects your mistakes?
-Is it hard for you to admit mistakes?
-Do you think you are usually right and others are usually wrong?
-Do you find it hard to compromise? Is it your way or no way?
-Are you often stressed?
-Do you find yourself giving more criticisms than compliments?
-Are you quick to judge other people on first appearance?
-Are you usually more concerned with your needs and wants than for others?
-If someone has hurt you in the past, do you hold onto bitterness?
-Do you seek praise for things such as beauty, talents, and abilities?
-Do you feel offended when not given credit for something you have done?
-Do you often compete or compare yourself with someone else?
-Are you always trying to do better or have more than someone else?
-Do you neglect seeking the help of God through Scripture and prayer?
-Are you avoiding the help of other Christians?
-Do you see yourself as having eliminated most of the sin in your life?

If you have more than 5 yes answers, you've probably got pride issues. Read on to discover how to eliminate this problem.

2) Admit your sin of pride to God.
When a person commits a crime, he goes to court, where a prosecuting attorney attempts to reveal his offenses to a judge. A defense attorney tries to convince the judge that the defendant is innocent. If the person is found guilty, he stands before the judge to hear his sentence. What a terrifying moment that must be!

At the end of our lives, Jesus will sit as the ultimate judge of everything we have done. There will be no prosecutor or defense attorney, because Christ sees all truth about us without anyone's assistance. Our sins and our good deeds will speak for themselves.

What amazes me is that when Jesus announces we are guilty, he will step down from his judge's seat to offer himself as a substitution for our punishment--provided we have repented, expressed our belief in Christ, and done our best to turn away from our sinful nature. What a relief it will be to know that we have escaped a horrific punishment!

The thought of facing God's judgment always causes me to think twice about pride. Wouldn't it be awful for my father to be invited into heaven after repenting, while I found myself destined for hell as a result of my unforgiving heart?

Here is a sobering thought: our perpetrators may very well wind up in Heaven, where they will love us perfectly, just as Jesus does. The true test of whether or not we have stopped feeling supeiror to our enemies is whether or not we feel resentment when thinking about experiencing eternal life with them. If we can't see ourselves sharing the joys of Heaven with our enemies, it's time to admit that pride is holding us back from forgiving.

3) Ask God to remove all feelings of pride.
If God can see through us, he knows about our prideful thoughts. He sees the way we treat our enemies with disdain. He understands our hurts and why we keep ourselves separate from others emotionally. Trying to hide these attitudes from him is a waste of energy.

God has used my father's upcoming court hearing to teach me that I needed to learn humility. In the past few weeks, I have come to understand that I am in need of a heart change as much as my father is. I used to think that child molestation was a far more heinous crime than anything I have ever done. But my crimes of hatred, bitterness, resentment, and pride are just as bad.

4) Tell an accountability partner about your prideful nature.
We need to find someone to help us put our pride into perspective. A well-experienced minister, Christian counselor, or a mature believer can listen to us talk about our air of superiority.

I discovered that confessing my sin of pride to God and to a minister brought me tremendous releif. It drained me of all my hard-driving ambition that has caused me terrible stress. Without pride, I no longer have to work so hard to control the outcomes of numerous situations.

Interestingly, when I let go of pride and the need to control outcomes, God came rushing in to surprise me with unexpected blessings. People began to come to me, looking for guidance in their spiritual lives. I got a generous government check in the mail that I wasn't expecting. My perspective shifted so completely, I began to see many people with greater compassion. My ability to extend grace grew by leaps and bounds.

5) Ask others to pray for you as you overcome pride.
Someimes, our own prayers just don't feel very effective, particlarly when we're struggling with something as thorny as pride. I've asked others to pray for me, and I know that they are. I feel tremendous peace at a time when I would ordinarily experience high levels of stress.

6) Pray for your enemy.
A good friend told me years ago that I should pray for my perpetrator. This felt so unnatural, but I have since learned that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Eph. 4:13) My friend suggested that I pray for my enemy to have what I do: peace, love, joy, and a relationship with God.

Jesus used great wisdom when he taught, "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." (Matt 5:44 NIV) The Lord knew when he made this statement that it's difficult to feel superior to someone while praying for them.

7) Avoid making negative comments about your enemy.
If we are going to overcome pride, we must constantly work on it. We can't go back to making negative comments about our enemy or criticize what he is doing with his life. If we find ourselves in the company of people who suck us into such behavior, we must find a way to change the tone of the conversation or to remove ourselves from it.

We need to think about the positive qualities in our perpetrator. If we can't muster up any, then we can think about Christ's beautiful nature. Philippians 4:8 (NIV) reminds us: Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Today's Challenge
In your journal, write down how pride has kept you from forgiving someone who has hurt you. Share the contents of your writing with God. Ask him to reveal his mercy for your enemy through this experience. If you don't yet have an accountability partner, find someone you can trust. Tell her about your struggle with pride and ask her to pray for you. Together, pray for your enemy.

Unforgiveness is a Pride Issue

We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness, with a lesson about pride. This is the seventh out of nine roadblocks that we will cover.

Excessive pride is a tell-tale sign of an unforgiving spirit.
When we encounter people who are very prideful, we can quickly seee that they suffer from unforgiveness. If we criticize them, they lash out at us and deny any wrong-doing. They may even turn the tables on us and criticize us.

In my opinion, people with excessive pride have often been deeply wounded in the past by someone they trusted. They have never learned humility, because they are terrified of getting hurt again. By seeing themselves as superior to everyone else, they come to the mistaken conclusion that they are invincible. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Proverbs 16:18 (NIV) reminds us, Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. We can see by this Scripture reference that pride does not make us invincible. In fact, the opposite is true: it makes us vulnerable to destruction.

Pride becomes a wall around a person that does not allow others to get close. It's a very high wall that can even keep God at a distance. The wall must come down before forgiveness can take place.

Prideful people see others as inferior.
When we consider the person who has hurt us, we may often think that we are better than he is. After all, we say in our own defense, he's the one who sinned and needs to be punished. I was just the victim. This kind of thinking gets us into a lot of trouble.

Matthew 7:1-2 reads, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." In other words, when we judge our perpetrators, we put ourselves into a position to receive equal punishment.

Pride harms our health.
We learned in earlier lessons that anger and vengeful thinking can cause increases in our blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol levels, and cholesterol readings. Believing that we are superior to our perpetrators can also damage our health.

Pride harms our relationship with God.
If we are living with a prideful attitude toward someone who has hurt us, we are limiting our spiritual connection to God. There is no room for spiritual growth in a heart that is swelled with pride.

The bottom line about pride is this: it sends the message that we are rejecting God. How can we say that we have a close relationship to God when we refuse to forgive others? How can we love him if we see ourselves as superior to everyone else, including our Maker? As long as pride remains, our spiritual future looks pretty dim.

Luke 5:8(NIV) provides us with an excellent example of humility in the apostle Peter. As it became apparent to him that Jesus was the Son of God, he was terrified. The passage reads, When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” When we discover humility like this, we will find ways to forgive others who hurt us.

We are accountable for our own actions.
I met a man yesterday who believes that revenge is a good thing, because it makes him feel satisfied to know that his perpetrator is suffering. This is clearly sinful behavior, because God calls us to love one another, not to torment our neighbor through harmful thoughts and actions.

While we may feel justified in wanting to harm people who hurt us, we learned yesterday that justice is God's job, not ours. We are responsible for judging ourselves, not our perpetrators. They are going to be held accountable under our man-made laws and under God's laws for the wrongs they have committed. At the same time, we will be held accountable to God for our failure to see ourselves as sinners who are no better than our perpetrators.

We all deserve the death penalty.
Romans 3:23 (NIV) reads, For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. We are all sinners in this world. Not one person has ever been perfect, except for Jesus. If we believe that we are perfect, or even superior to others, we are sinners equal with our perpetrators.

Romans 6:23 (NIV) reminds us, For the wages of sin is death. In other words, we all deserve to die for our sinful actions. But because God loves us so much, he sent Jesus as a one-time sacrifice for everyone's sins (Romans 5:8).

We must judge ourselves first, before God gets the opportunity. Surrendering before him in a spirit of humility and fearful respect is imperative if we want to lose our prideful attitudes and learn to forgive.

Next Tuesday, my father will receive his sentence for just one of several crimes involving children whom he molested. I have thought about how he will feel when the judge tells my father how long he must stay in jail. What if I were standing before that judge? I would be terrified and want someone to take my place, if that were possible.

While my father may not be able to escape the punishment of our judicial system, he can avoid eternal punishment by surrendering himself in humility before Christ. I can do the same by coming to the understanding that I am no better than my father.

Some day, we will both stand before Jesus to be judged. It has taken me a long time to admit this, but I'm no better than my father. My sins are just different. Harboring anger, fears, lack of trust, revenge, pride, and hatred for my father could lead to a death sentence for me. Living with those feelings, in my opinion, is equivalent to hell on earth.

On Monday, we will learn how to remove the pride that hinders our spiritual growth. We will finish out next week with discussions about how hatred and depression stand as roadblocks to forgiveness.

Today's Challenge
Take out your journal. Write God at the top of a clean page. Write the names of everyone who has hurt you below that. Write your name last. Recognize that you are no better than all of the people named above. Our omnipotent God sees everyone clearly through the eyes of love, and he discovers the truth about us by looking into each person's heart.

Letting Go of Vengeful Thinking

Yesterday, we learned that childhood sexual abuse creates anger within us. When that anger remains unexpressed, it can often evolve into fantasies of revenge. At times, it bubbles over as passive-aggressive behavior. Today, we learn how to let go of our vengeful thoughts so that we can move forward in our journey toward forgiveness. Revenge is the sixth roadblock in my series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.

Vengeful thoughts keep us in a state of ill health and inner turmoil.
Vengeful thinking stems from repressed anger. If you think back to last week's lesson on anger, you'll recall that it's not healthy to hang onto anger. It causes increases in our blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol levels, and cholesterol readings.

In addition to the physical harm we cause ourselves by remaining bitter, we also create one of the biggest roadblocks to forgiveness. When we think about revenge, we stay hyper-focused on our angry thoughts. Not only does this block us from forgiving, but it also prevents us from living with the type of internal peace that we must have to feel emotionally healthy.

Letting go of bitterness opens the door to healing.
If we think of forgiveness as something that we can only give away, we are missing half of the concept. We forgive, because it is a gift we can give ourselves. When we let go of our bitterness and thoughts of revenge, we free ourselves to begin a new life of inner calm.

Without thoughts of revenge, we can grow spiritually, find emotional renewal, express the truth, and regain our self-respect. This sounds wonderful, but perhaps you're wondering how to find this elusive place in your mind. The process may take a long time, but I found that the following three steps were helpful to me.

1) Acknowledge that you're angry.
Joe and I took a vacation a few years ago to a remote cabin in northern Michigan. The place was devoid of televisions, computers, phones, radios, and people. We thought it was going to be great, but there was one problem: I packed anger in my bags without even realizing it. And it was coming out in passive-aggression toward my innocent husband. I realized that when we remove all of the busy-ness of our lives, we find the junk that we've been carrying around all of our lives.

2) Get it out and get on with your life.
During this getaway, I was biting poor Joe's head off. He looked so miserable, I decided that I'd better figure out what was bothering me. I wandered out of the cabin on a drizzly day and sat by the sodden fire pit. I asked God to reveal to me why I felt so enraged.

It didn't take long for the answer to come: my mother had neglected my needs all of my life, and whenever we took family vacations, I felt even greater isolation. Our little getaway was triggering memories of my mother's drinking and oblivion to my needs to play and explore our vacation spots.

A therapist had once told me to find objects that I could label with my unmet needs and anger. I decided to pick up small twigs that had fallen from the pine trees. After I had gathered a hefty pile of twigs, I found a hatchet. As instructed earlier in counseling, I named each twig and then gave it a whack. "This is for never reading me a bedtime story." Whack. "This is for calling me worse than yesterday's trash." Whack. And so it continued, until I had named every reason for being angry with my mother. It took quite a while, but when I was done, I felt drained.

3) Let go and let God.
I sat there, staring at my pile of twigs. I hated the way my anger made me feel, and I didn't want to haul it around during my entire vacation. It was time to let it go.

A light mist continued falling, and the odds of lighting a fire were slim to none. But I knew that I had to fully destroy this anger before it destroyed me. With a large box of matches, I worked and worked to set that bunch of anger on fire. When it caught at last, I sat back and watched the blue smoke curling heavenward. "Take it God," I said. "I don't want to live with it anymore."

As I watched the smoke rising, I felt incredible release. I felt God's presence in a way that I never had before. Suddenly, I understood the pain he felt over my abuse, as well as the sorrow he felt over my refusal to give it to him. I felt comforted and completely at peace.

Romans 8:6 (NIV) tells us, The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Holding onto revenge will lead us to an early death, and perhaps even spiritual death. Letting go and giving our anger to God allows his Spirit to fill us with life-giving peace.

Letting go is just the beginning of forgiving.
Please note that this process did not yet involve my forgiving my mother. I am still working on that, and I'm sure it is going to take time. I merely let go of the anger, the vengeful thoughts, and the bitterness that had been consuming me most of my life.

When we let go of vengeful thinking and the anger that causes it, we find a new inner peace. Nothing changes for the person who has hurt us, because this process is something we do for ourselves. Down the road, there may be time for healing in our perpetrator's heart when he is ready for it. For now, we simply love ourselves enough to give our anger and vengeful thoughts to God.

Today's Challenge
Find some destructible objects that you can name with the vengeful thoughts and anger you feel toward someone who has hurt you. These might be twigs, balloons, clay pigeons, old china plates, and so on. You can name your revenge verbally or write your angry thoughts on your destructible objects. Find a way to destroy them that brings you physical release, such as stomping hard on balloons or hurling plates into a garbage can. Just make sure that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else in the process. When you are finished destroying all of your anger, tell God that it's his mess now. Spend a few minutes savoring the peace that follows. Write in your journal how you feel. This post is an excerpt from the book, The Road to Forgiveness: Removing the Roadblocks. To purchase your e-book version, please visit the author's Smashwords page.

Concealed Anger Leads to Revenge

We continue today with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness. So far, we've identified ways to overcome anger, fear, trust, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt. This lesson focuses on why revenge prevents us from forgiving.

Is it normal to think about revenge?
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma, we often find ourselves thinking about revenge. We consider ourselves to be normal, decent people. So why do we lie awake at night, hatching up plots to get even with the person who hurt us do deeply?

Robert Bulwer-Lytton wrote, "Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge." This quote perfectly summarizes the source of our thoughts about revenge: unexpressed anger.

I wrote the biography of Charlie Osburn, a Christian evangelist, whose two children were molested by his next-door neighbor. For a long time, Charlie told me that he paced the floors at night, trying to figure out how to kill the man who had stolen his children's innocence.

As an abused spouse in my first marriage, I could never express my anger. As a result, I daydreamed about my husband crashing into a tree, driving over a cliff, or drowning. I once dreamed that I had murdered him, and my greatest concern was how I was going to keep the cops from finding the body that I had buried under the hardwood floor of our front entry.

When someone wounds us as deeply as sexual predators do, we all think of revenge. The longer the abuse continues, the more bizarre our daydreams and nightmares become. We know this is unhealthy and immoral, but we can't seem to stop the thoughts.

Vengeful thoughts may spill over as passive-aggressive acts.
If we are dreaming at night about seeking revenge, we may find ourselves acting out in unexpected ways during the day. Many sexual abuse survivors become passive-aggressive. In other words, people who seem to be meek (passive) lash out in surprising, but subtle ways. Often, their target is not their abuser.

One of my sons provided a classic example of passive aggression as he was growing up. He was angry with his father for criticizing him so harshly, but he did not feel safe in expressing himself. As a result, this usually sweet-mannered boy scribbled on brand-new carpeting with a permanent marker and chiseled the sides of his furniture with the sharp edges of toys.

When unexpressed anger carries over into adulthood, suvivors become passive-aggressive people who surprise us with their actions. Sadly, we are reading about more and more incidents of teens shooting others at their schools, of employees 'going postal,' and of drivers exhibiting road rage.

What does God want us to do with our vengeful thoughts?
The Bible tells us, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. (Romans 12:17-19 NIV)

We learned in a previous lesson that it is much better to allow our justice system to carry out any punishment that our perpetrators deserve. When we step back and allow room for God's wrath, we may discover that his punishment provides us with far more satisfaction than our own clumsy attempts at justice.

Tomorrow, we'll learn some simple techniques for working beyond our vengeful thoughts. For now, just recognize that these thoughts exist in the minds of most survivors, and understand that both revenge and passive-aggressive behavior begin with unexpressed anger.

Today's Challenge
Take out your journal and write down the names of people that you consider your enemies. Beside each name, write out why you are angry. Then, write down any vengeful action that you have thought about taking. Circle any action that you have actually carried out.

Overcoming Guilt is Prerequisite to Forgiveness

We learned yesterday that the guilt experienced by sexual abuse survivors stems from the shame we feel about our victimization. Today, we figure out how to give the guilt back to our perpetrators, overcome our embarrassment, and move forward in forgiving the person who hurt us.

There's a difference between guilt and shame.
Guilt is defined as the fact of being responsible for an offense or wrongdoing. Shame, on the other hand, is defined as a painful emotion that is caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.

If we assign full responsibility to our perpetrators for the guilt, then we can see that the shame we feel stems from our embarrassment, our feelings of unworthiness, and the disgrace caused by the sexual abuse.

Telling people about our sexual abuse makes everyone uncomfortable.
I can tell you from personal experience that talking about sexual abuse does cause tremendous discomfort...for ourselves and for others. However, I believe that shedding light on our shame is a lot like the treatment that doctors use on babies with jaundice (yellowing of the skin). If left in the dark, our shame leaves us with permanent emotional damage, just as a jaundiced baby is at risk of permanent brain damage without sunlight.

When Joe and I told our friends about what had happened to me and others within our family, many of our acquaintances responded with uncomfortable silence. But others, who had experienced similar problems, came alongside us to share their stories of survival.

Yes, some people will see us as broken, weird, or overly open about our pain. I can't tell you how to predict which way people will respond. But I can say that talking about childhood sexual abuse gets easier with each telling.

And the more we tell our story, the more we empower ourselves to move on with our lives. Remember, every time we hide our shame, we give away our power to our perpetrator. He is the one who should be carrying this burden of guilt. So, give it back to him, and the shame will resolve over time.

We fear that reporting family members who abused us will cause rifts.
Many sexual abuse victims do not report their perpetrators to the police, because they do not want to create inner-family turmoil. If you think about it, the family is already in turmoil if an adult is using children for his own sexual gratification. So why not report it?

Reporting creates many positive outcomes. First, it sheds light on the truth about the situation: our perpetrators are guilty of committing crimes, and we need to allow our criminal justice system to deal with the people who wronged us.

It is our job to learn how to feel like a whole person again, and we can't do that if we're carrying a big burden of guilt on our backs. We must give it back to the person who should be hauling it around.

Proverbs 18:5 (NIV) reminds us, It is not good to be partial to the wicked or to deprive the innocent of justice. By remaining silent, we are essentially providing a not-guilty verdict to our perpetrator. We take away the court system's ability to punish him, and we risk depriving other innocent victims of the justice that they deserve.

When I began telling my family members what had happened between my father and me, you can believe that there was plenty of turmoil. My siblings rushed to my parents' aid, offering swift opportunities for repentance and forgiveness. This, of course, blew up in their faces, as I predicted it would.

In time, my siblings came to understand my father's true nature and my mother's desperate attempts to conceal the truth. Today, my siblings stand behind me and every other family victim, determined to see justice carried out.

In the future, my relatives hope that my father will express his regrets for his actions, repent (completely turn around his life), provide restitution to his victims, and do whatever it takes to restore broken relationships. Time will tell whether or not my father is interested in making such monumental changes.

Child molesters are rarely the type of contrite people who buckle under pressure. Few of them ever admit to sexually abusing anyone. If they do, it generally doesn't happen until several victims step forward. When my father began to see that more than one victim was telling the truth, he confessed.

By speaking out, we empower the courts to bring about justice, and we empower other victims to find their voices. A woman told me recently that someone in her family reported their father's sexual abuse. By the time the criminal justice system was finished with their investigation of the case, 70 other victims had come forward.

We are frequently not alone as sole victims when it comes to childhood sexual abuse. We can empower ourselves and others by reporting the crime and letting go of the guilt that doesn't belong to us.

In summary, give back the guilt to your perpetrator. Then find someone trustworthy to talk to about your childhood sexual abuse. Doing so will ease your shame and remove the guilt--the fourth roadblock to your journey toward forgiveness. Tomorrow, we will continue with our series, Removing the Roadblocks to Forgiveness.

Today's Challenge
Look up the definitions of the words guilt and shame in a dictionary. Try to sort out the difference between the two in relationship to the abuse you have experienced. Can you now see that you were not guilty?

In your journal, write down how you feel about the abuse you experienced. If you were too embarrassed to speak up, put that onto paper. If you were afraid that telling the truth would cause divisions in your family, write it down. Then, write down everything positive that could happen if you told the truth to someone that you trust. Write down the names of three people that you can tell. If you feel completely alone in this, write down my name and send me your anonymous comments.

Why Do I Feel So Guilty?

As survivors of incest or any other type of sexual abuse, we often feel guilty. There are generally four reasons for this:

1) We experienced pleasure during the abuse.
Most people who molest children do not terrorize their victims. On the contrary, they typically groom them for weeks or months to prepare them to be sexualized. They may give gifts or simply lavish them with affection. Children who are starved for attention often fall prey to the advances of pedophiles, because neglected little ones are so desperate for love.

After the abuse has occurred, most survivors feel extreme guilt, particularly if they felt a mixture of pain and pleasure. If they happened to experience pleasure during the act, the guilt becomes far worse than for children who may not have experienced orgasm.

One writer compared a child's sexual response to bleeding in response to injury. There is nothing anyone can do to stop either one from happening; yet many victims feel that they should have been able to prevent their bodies from experiencing the pleasure associated with sexual stimulation.

Whether our childhood sexual abuse was painful, pleasurable or both; we were not responsbile for it. Our perpetrators were completely to blame for their perverse acts. They are the ones who should be feeling guilty; not us.

2) We didn't tell anyone.
When children are molested by family members--particularly their fathers--they often do not tell anyone about what has happened. They don't want to hurt their family member's feelings or risk creating a family feud.

Unfortunately, when children keep childhood sexual abuse to themselves, their initial guilt eventually turns into shame. Their embarrassment over the event(s) keeps them in silence, often for the rest of their lives.

3) We feel responsible in some way.
We often carry around guilt, because we believe that we caused the sexual abuse. Perhaps we believe that we looked too enticing or allowed ourselves to be alone with someone who hurt us. We may also think that we allowed another victim after us to get hurt by our abuser as a result of our inability to speak up.

Many victims dissociate themselves from the event. In other words, they go someplace else mentally while their bodies and souls are experiencing devastation. In cases where this has occurred frequently, the survivor may have few, if any, memories of the abuse. If we couldn't remember the abuse (which is what happened in my case), then we couldn't prevent others from getting hurt by the same person. Not until we finally remember, can we speak out.

I really like the following quote by Patti Feuereisen, the author of Invisible Girls:

"If you are the victim of incest, please understand that your father didn't start molesting you because of anything you said or did. He did it because he is a sick person with a totally warped idea of right and wrong. He tried to pull you into his demented reality. He undoubtedly planned how to get into a sexual situation with you. It was not your fault. You had no choice. This goes for other types of sexual abuse, too."

4) We are angry.
Many of us ask why God didn't prevent the abuse. We feel rage when we think about our perpetrator. Our anger toward both him and God may make us feel guilty, because we know that it is wrong to remain so enraged.

Deuteronomy 16:9 (NIV) tells us, For the eys of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him...

God was there at the time of the abuse, and he sees the truth: our perpetrators are the only ones who are guilty of wrong-doing. At the same time, God's heart breaks for the shame that we feel.

Today's Challenge
If you believe that you are guilty in some way for causing your sexual abuse, please find a professional counselor who can help you talk about your feelings. No survivor deserves to live with this kind of guilt.